I’d like to think this weekend represented the best chance I’ve ever had of dying. Why? Because I was headed to upstate NY for Doh Boy’s wedding with the Stan Man. Stan is the one person who actually gets me nervous about hanging out and drinking with because he’s the only one who pushes me to whole other levels of drunkenness. We like to recreate the Bird-Wilkins shootout in ’88 every time we go out. And this had a higher potential for debauchery because A) it was an open bar and B) we didn’t have to go to work the next day (we’ll usually do an after work happy hour that ends around 11-12 at night. Work the next day is rough). Let’s get this shit show on the road.
The SS started off poorly. I had taken Friday and Monday off. I ended up working 5 hours on Friday. This put us behind schedule already. Further putting us behind schedule was going four miles in an hour and a half on an interstate in Pennsylvania. They apparently decided that it was a good time to paint the road and reduced it down to one lane. We were so far behind schedule in fact, that we had to make a pit stop in Scranton, PA to get some liquor because we would be cutting it close in finding an open liquor store by the time we got to NY. Because neither of has ever been to Scranton and probably never will, Stan Man decided to ask for directions. So yes, he did ask a 17 year old working at Wendy’s where the nearest liquor store was. She was only too happy to oblige and we had a liter of Gentleman Jack for ourselves should we get further delayed. That might have been the classiest thing I’ve ever witnessed. I saw him ask the girl and had to ask him, “Did you just ask a teenager girl where to find a liquor store?” I’m surprised Chris Hansen didn’t show up out of the Wendy’s bathroom.
We finally arrived in upstate New York around 11 and with no idea where we were going. Thank God Stan had had one of those GPS navigators because if not, we would have ended up in a cow farm. We showed up at this bar where everyone went after the reception dinner. It was here that something happened that only happens when you hang out with me. Since I haven’t seen Doh Boy in like 3 months, it made sense that I completely ignored him upon walking in to focus on CNN and ESPN on the tv’s because someone at the bar had said the magic words: “Did you see what it said about Pacman Jones? They found him dead.” I was immediately transfixed on this and realized that I didn’t want the moment I wanted to hear Pacman Jones was dead was in a rural bar (I was surprised that I had a subconscious desire of where to hear this). Eventually, I determined that someone had misinterpreted Pacman Jones’s statement “Pacman is dead” in his press conference saying he wanted to go by Adam (which he will not be called in this blog). Oh, and when I did talk to Doh Boy, he informed me he was quitting his job and moving to Angola. Yes, the Angola in Africa. The one that Charles Barkley elbowed in the chest during the 92 Olympics. You can’t get more random than that. Compared to that, following Pacman seems normal.
By the time I had gathered myself after figuring Pacman out, everyone was heading out. Luckily we still had the Gentlemen Jack and a 12 pack of Yuengling that we had picked up upon entering New York (Me and Stan Man are like the Boy Scouts of drinking, always prepared). We went to the house we were staying in with three other people. It was pretty random: a weird chick, a gay guy, and the coup d’resistance, a guy from either Kurdistan or Kazakhstan, some former part of the Soviet Union that is now a –stan. We immediately hit it off with the Crazy Russian, which he was referred to the rest of the weekend, because of our copious amounts of alcohol. Before going to bed (read: passing out) we finished what we had brought.
Saturday was the wedding day, but also the day of a soccer match between the Netherlands and Russia. Since nothing in my life can go according to plan, Stan Man had money on Netherlands winning Euro 2008 and of course the Crazy Russian was the usual crazy European soccer fan. We ended up showing up late to the wedding (with a six pack minimum in each of us), leaving immediately afterwards to go back to the house to watch overtime, and showing up late to the reception (but still with more alcohol in us than any of the other guests). For the record, Russia won 3-1 and the Crazy Russian kept making fun of Stan Man in his broken English, which highly entertained me.
As for the wedding, I think I hit either a high or low note in my life when I was seated at the table with Middle Schoolers. Within 20 minutes of talking to me, they had their first taste of alcohol in their lives. That seems about right. (In all honestly, I had nothing to do with it directly. The caterers had filled their glasses, the best man gave a toast, and they just wanted to fit in. And one goes to the other, “Well that was my first taste of alcohol.” It just seems appropriate though that they did it with no inhibitions after talking to me. Or after talking to me, they had no desire to continue drinking. One or the other. I’m like Fox News here, I tell a story, you decide how bad of an alcoholic I am).
There was also very little potential here. The only girl in her 20s was with the gay guy, who was protecting her like a hawk for some reason. Probably because the only guys in their 20s were me and Stan Man. It got to the point where the second best option I had was Doh Boy’s (who is 38) older sister. I wisely passed on that. We went back to the house and me and the Crazy Russian talked about American policy for 2 hours. I’d like the record to show that I out drank the guy who wouldn’t shut up about how at Russian weddings everyone gets a liter of vodka (said exactly how you would expect a Russian to say “a liter of vodka”) a day. He quit and went to bed before me, so I win. I love how I’m becoming a competitive alcoholic. This should bode well for me in the future.
Upon waking up Sunday morning, Stan Man decided that yes, he did want to go to Niagara Falls (2 hours out of our way) because, “I will never be back in Upstate New York ever again and if I do, I’ll be in a body bag, so this is my one chance to visit it.” Whatever, he was driving and I’ve agreed to things with less logic than that, so we were off. We saw the water for 5 minutes, then went got lunch and headed home. Being that I was involved in this traveling, it would not end well. We ended up on the Pennsylvania Turnpike getting a flat tire. Stan Man was so paranoid that we would end up dying or getting arrested this weekend that his first reaction when this happened was that the police had sent a helicopter to come get us. And of course, this happened in the middle of nowhere PA, 20 miles from the nearest exit and with a storm rolling in. Luckily, we got the flat changed without dying. We ended up getting home around 2 am Sunday night. 8 am, my phone starts ringing for work, when I have clearly told people I’m off. So for the record, I took 2 days off and ended up working 8 hours between them.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Top 7 Boss Edition - Pt 2
Since I can’t think of anything else to talk about being that I have no life outside of work lately, we’ll go back to a Top 7 – Boss Edition. Now that I have two months or so under my belt, let’s revisit more reasons I should not be allowed to be in charge of people.
7. My slang. Sometimes I forget I’m not in a Young Jeezy video and yes, I did use the phrase “Half a Mil” to describe revenue we were waiting on to a corporate exec. On the plus side, I did not use the phrase, “stacks” or “paper”. That might have confused a whole bunch of people. Our contract is also scheduled to be re-competed in September. I’ve casually referred to this as “The Re-Up.” Apparently we don’t have a lot of Clipse fans in our office.
6. I’ve brought my luck along for the ride with me. Since I’ve taken over, every system we have has crashed at least once. Some for the first time ever. One went down for 2 days and I had to completely redesigned its configuration so it would work. I’ve also had my two best resources resign. One time in my life I would not like to walk into a situation and have it not blow up immediately.
5. I’m considering brining someone on to the project who’s a Penn State grad who dresses in what is best described as an unprofessional manner. The one time I met her was at a conference where she looked like she’s going out to a club and looking to attract as much attention as possible. Anyway, I’m justifying this in my mind by telling myself, “Even if she’s not any good at her job, I can always think, ‘Fuck the state pen, Fuck hoes at Penn State’”, and that will put a smile on my face. Any chance I have to incorporate Biggie lyrics into personnel decisions, I will do that. If I ever get a chance to interview someone named Jermaine who is dark skinned, he will be hired on the spot.
4. Our system now has new password requirements. One of them is that a special character is needed. Of course, I selected “$”. It also has to have a certain amount of characters. So one is straightCA$H and the other is CA$Hmoney. Randy Moss and Birdman would be proud. When I have to change it again, I will incorporate Johnny Ca$h in at some point. This screams professionalism.
3. I’ve called one of my employees, “Not just retarded, but circus retarded.” I don’t even know what that means, but that’s the effect of working for Frank from the Rec for 6 years. Sensitivity training might be in my future. If you’ve read some of the allegations in the NASCAR harassment suit, none of those phased me at all from working with Frank. I think they stole some of his lines.
2. I make management decisions by asking, “What would Jordan do?” For example, we’ve recently found out that new college hires are making outlandishly high salaries compared to what we came in at. I wondered how MJ would handle it, and I got my answer: Take it out on the entire nation of Croatia. Allow me to explain. Jordan and Pippen were upset with Bulls management that they were so high on Toni Kukoc and the salary they were given. So when Jordan played Croatia, led by Toni, in the Olympics in 1992, he saved all his energy for Croatia. To the point that he told Chuck Daly that he didn’t care if he sat the bench for entire games, as long as he got a lot of PT against Croatia. So if in the course of the next few months I start asking new hires, “Oh, you’re having problems with this? Well, I’m not helping you. You’re paid enough, so that must mean you’re smart enough to figure it out by yourself,” you’ll know why.
1. This is what my boss told me when I told him I was going out to the bar to watch the Finals. “You gonna get ripped tonight? I’ve seen you when you get loaded. That’s the only time you talk. I’m gonna have you give a presentation to our service area and make sure you have a few in you before you go on.” I have to be the only manager who’s alcoholism is not severe enough. Apparently having a procedure for vomiting at work isn’t enough. Oh well, guess its time to start going out for lunch beers.
7. My slang. Sometimes I forget I’m not in a Young Jeezy video and yes, I did use the phrase “Half a Mil” to describe revenue we were waiting on to a corporate exec. On the plus side, I did not use the phrase, “stacks” or “paper”. That might have confused a whole bunch of people. Our contract is also scheduled to be re-competed in September. I’ve casually referred to this as “The Re-Up.” Apparently we don’t have a lot of Clipse fans in our office.
6. I’ve brought my luck along for the ride with me. Since I’ve taken over, every system we have has crashed at least once. Some for the first time ever. One went down for 2 days and I had to completely redesigned its configuration so it would work. I’ve also had my two best resources resign. One time in my life I would not like to walk into a situation and have it not blow up immediately.
5. I’m considering brining someone on to the project who’s a Penn State grad who dresses in what is best described as an unprofessional manner. The one time I met her was at a conference where she looked like she’s going out to a club and looking to attract as much attention as possible. Anyway, I’m justifying this in my mind by telling myself, “Even if she’s not any good at her job, I can always think, ‘Fuck the state pen, Fuck hoes at Penn State’”, and that will put a smile on my face. Any chance I have to incorporate Biggie lyrics into personnel decisions, I will do that. If I ever get a chance to interview someone named Jermaine who is dark skinned, he will be hired on the spot.
4. Our system now has new password requirements. One of them is that a special character is needed. Of course, I selected “$”. It also has to have a certain amount of characters. So one is straightCA$H and the other is CA$Hmoney. Randy Moss and Birdman would be proud. When I have to change it again, I will incorporate Johnny Ca$h in at some point. This screams professionalism.
3. I’ve called one of my employees, “Not just retarded, but circus retarded.” I don’t even know what that means, but that’s the effect of working for Frank from the Rec for 6 years. Sensitivity training might be in my future. If you’ve read some of the allegations in the NASCAR harassment suit, none of those phased me at all from working with Frank. I think they stole some of his lines.
2. I make management decisions by asking, “What would Jordan do?” For example, we’ve recently found out that new college hires are making outlandishly high salaries compared to what we came in at. I wondered how MJ would handle it, and I got my answer: Take it out on the entire nation of Croatia. Allow me to explain. Jordan and Pippen were upset with Bulls management that they were so high on Toni Kukoc and the salary they were given. So when Jordan played Croatia, led by Toni, in the Olympics in 1992, he saved all his energy for Croatia. To the point that he told Chuck Daly that he didn’t care if he sat the bench for entire games, as long as he got a lot of PT against Croatia. So if in the course of the next few months I start asking new hires, “Oh, you’re having problems with this? Well, I’m not helping you. You’re paid enough, so that must mean you’re smart enough to figure it out by yourself,” you’ll know why.
1. This is what my boss told me when I told him I was going out to the bar to watch the Finals. “You gonna get ripped tonight? I’ve seen you when you get loaded. That’s the only time you talk. I’m gonna have you give a presentation to our service area and make sure you have a few in you before you go on.” I have to be the only manager who’s alcoholism is not severe enough. Apparently having a procedure for vomiting at work isn’t enough. Oh well, guess its time to start going out for lunch beers.
Final Thoughts
Get it? Final thoughts on…the Finals? That’s why they call me the Wizard of Word Play. I figure if I keep telling people someone other people gave it to me, they’ll eventually believe it, kind of like how Sasha Vujacic somehow became, “The Machine.” It wasn’t for his ability to contain his emotion, I’ll tell you that.
Am I glad I never got around to writing an episode that said Kobe could be in the same sentence as Jordan if the Lake Show won? In the words of the old Bud Light commercial, “Yes I am.” I promise, that will never get brought up again.
I’m glad KG got his ring. He’s busted his ass for too many years; he deserves it.
Pao Gasol, you’re doing wonders for the soft European stereotype.
Best nickname for KG’s game 5 no show goes to Peter Vescey (who else) who dubbed him The Counterfeit Ticket. Worst nickname was the fact that the phrase The Big Clickit even entered my brain. Jokes based on seat belt public service ads are horrible. Just horrible (channeling my inner Bill Walton).
I’m not trying to diss The Truth, but is it wrong that I thought Paul Pierce could be a believable fill in for Ashy Larry with enough baby powder? Brock kept bringing up his facial hair, I’m going to go with his doughy body. It’s no knock on his game though. He’s a Hall of Famer in my book.
Speaking of The Truth, did his injury in Game 1 remind anyone of a certain center who liked to use his name in the 3rd person in order to motivate himself? The only difference is that Pierce was back in 10 minutes, that center would be out 10 weeks. And would call everyone’s heart out while sitting on the bench. But the complete over reaction did bring back memories. And once again, I have to note that I’m not knocking Paul Pierce. He’s one of the few players who I can honestly say, “I’m not sure I could have played through what he played through.” Getting stabbed 11 times? But then again, I would have never gotten stabbed because robbers don’t stick up IT consultants for their money.
You know what this Celtics championship means? More teams will look for quick fixes. NBA GM’s will now say, “Hmm..the Celtics made a few trades and went from 23 wins to a championship. We might be 2 moves away.” And you know what that means? More stupid trades that I can make fun of. Thank you Danny Ainge for making my job easier. At the very least, I can look forward to getting random text messages for trade rumors.
One week to the Draft and I’m horribly prepared. One thing I do know is the more I hear about Michael Beasley, the less I would want to take him if I’m Chicago.
This is the type of in depth analysis you expect from The Barney Show.
Am I glad I never got around to writing an episode that said Kobe could be in the same sentence as Jordan if the Lake Show won? In the words of the old Bud Light commercial, “Yes I am.” I promise, that will never get brought up again.
I’m glad KG got his ring. He’s busted his ass for too many years; he deserves it.
Pao Gasol, you’re doing wonders for the soft European stereotype.
Best nickname for KG’s game 5 no show goes to Peter Vescey (who else) who dubbed him The Counterfeit Ticket. Worst nickname was the fact that the phrase The Big Clickit even entered my brain. Jokes based on seat belt public service ads are horrible. Just horrible (channeling my inner Bill Walton).
I’m not trying to diss The Truth, but is it wrong that I thought Paul Pierce could be a believable fill in for Ashy Larry with enough baby powder? Brock kept bringing up his facial hair, I’m going to go with his doughy body. It’s no knock on his game though. He’s a Hall of Famer in my book.
Speaking of The Truth, did his injury in Game 1 remind anyone of a certain center who liked to use his name in the 3rd person in order to motivate himself? The only difference is that Pierce was back in 10 minutes, that center would be out 10 weeks. And would call everyone’s heart out while sitting on the bench. But the complete over reaction did bring back memories. And once again, I have to note that I’m not knocking Paul Pierce. He’s one of the few players who I can honestly say, “I’m not sure I could have played through what he played through.” Getting stabbed 11 times? But then again, I would have never gotten stabbed because robbers don’t stick up IT consultants for their money.
You know what this Celtics championship means? More teams will look for quick fixes. NBA GM’s will now say, “Hmm..the Celtics made a few trades and went from 23 wins to a championship. We might be 2 moves away.” And you know what that means? More stupid trades that I can make fun of. Thank you Danny Ainge for making my job easier. At the very least, I can look forward to getting random text messages for trade rumors.
One week to the Draft and I’m horribly prepared. One thing I do know is the more I hear about Michael Beasley, the less I would want to take him if I’m Chicago.
This is the type of in depth analysis you expect from The Barney Show.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Texas Toast
The Barney Show is proud to present a special Father’s Day edition of Texas Toast. This episode will continue with the quotes format, but this time these quotes will be exclusively from Lil’ Wayne’s The Carter III. His album came out this week and if you had told me in 2000 that he would have the most anticipated album in 2008 and be at least discussed in the hottest rappers in the game, I would have called shenanigans. Similarly, if you had told me in 2000 that I’d be spending Father’s Day 2008 with my 2 year old, I’d probably have a similar reaction. This Texas Toast version will be shorter than normal, because this was a short trip. I left my house at 4:30 Saturday morning and will return home at 11 on Sunday. About half that time will be spent traveling. Half of the rest of the time, sleeping. So this won’t have the normal amounts of culture shock. Let’s get started. All quotes come from The Carter III unless otherwise noted.
“Dear Mr. Carter, I am him, How you been? I’ve been around the world and I’m back again.”
Just substitute Barney for Mr. Carter and I feel the same way. I haven’t been doing much work here on the Barney Show, but I’m back to my natural element: writing ill prepared mockeries of East Texas.
“True that swallow, And I be the shhhh, Now you got loose bowels, I don't owe you like two vowels.”
It wouldn’t’ be a Texas Toast episode without some sort of bad luck happening on the trip. This time, as I got on my flight in Charlotte to go to Dallas, we were delayed because of weather and the flight would have to make route changes to avoid this. While they were doing that, a passenger took a dump and got it all over the bathroom. We had to wait an extra 20-30 minutes while cleaning crews were called. Oh, and I was sitting right next to the bathroom.
“I’m ok, but my watch is sick, my rocks is sick, my drop is sick.”
It also would be a trip to Texas without either me or my daughter getting sick. This time it was her. She had a Staph infection on her arm and leg. She was on antibiotics. Apparently, staph is a natural bacteria that is on all our bodies, but this particular type had a bad effect and it caused an infection. This is not to be confused with a Steph infection, which is the nasty feeling you get after hooking up with a maxed out NBA player in the back of a truck in order to get a promotion.
Knick jokes aside, this meant she couldn’t go swimming, which is the one thing I was most looking forward to doing with her.
“We are not the same, I am a Martian.”
My daughter is starting to talk well enough that you can actually engage in conversations with her. This is good. Occasionally though, she’ll say something and you’ll be thinking, “What the fuck?” and just nod your head at her. When Wayne made an entire song around this quote, I had the same reaction. But I was able to blame this on the thought that Weezy was probably as high as a spaceship when he wrote this.
“'Cause you can get through anything if Magic made it, And that was called recycling Re: reciting something, 'Cause you just like it so you say it just like it, Some say it's biting but I say it's enlightening, Besides Dr. Kanye West is one of the brightest.”
Just in case anyone got any bright ideas that I’m talented or something, I just wanted to use a Wayne quote to let people know that I am clearly jacking this format from Sports Guy.
“Lil’ Wayne on these hoes, aka Mr. Make it Rain on them Hoes.”
Can I get off topic for a bit and say how excited I am for the Dallas Cowboys season to begin. First, their quarterback has been on the cover of Us Weekly more than Sports Illustrated. Their star wide receiver made a guest appearance on Flava Flav’s sitcom. They have the only coach coming off having the second best record in the league in his first season that doesn’t have job security. And then they signed Pacman. I nearly forgot that Tank Johnson was in the mix. It’s almost like Jerry Jones is saying, “Hmm…who else can I sign to make this team more Barneyrific?” Also, I’d like to note that if not hearing this Wayne song with T Pain as a single in a month, I’m going to be pissed.
Does anyone else do a song about making it rain as well as T Pain? It’s like he was born to sing about strippers (and wear top hats while doing it). He’s also sang about being in love with a bartender. He’s living the dream. Getting lap dances and drinks for free. I’d say he’s my idol but white people can’t pull off top hats without coming off looking like the Monopoly man.
“It’s Weezy Baby, please say the Baby.”
I think my favorite part about the album is the cover. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a baby (I’m assuming Wayne’s baby picture), with Wayne’s face tats. My daughter was playing around in the rental and saw the album. Which led to this exchange:
D: “Baby?
”B: “Very good. That is a baby.”
D: “What’s on face daddy?”
B: “Ummm….”
They don’t teach you how to handle face tats in Parenting 101, I’ll tell you that.
“Now if ye ain't help me make it, don't tell me how to spend it. And yes I know the rules, never marry Robin Givens.”
So this really was not the most fiscally responsible trip I’ve ever taken. I spent $575 on just the plane ticket. I justified this by saying, “I just got my government incentive check. I didn’t do anything for this money, so I might as well spend it on something good. And the airline industry could use the business. I’ll use this incentive to help the economy.” I’m disappointed in myself for being so patriotic. Because when I first heard about these government issued checks, I was a proponent of spending them Pacman Jones style and spending them on extravagant strippers. Well, I guess I still haven’t paid the credit card bill for this trip, so there’s still time. (Note, this wasn’t from The Carter III, it was from Wayne’s guest on Bun B’s new album. In case, you know, you actually gave a shit.)
“Go further, go farther, go harder, that’s why were here right? If not, why bother.”
The best line of the album comes from Hov himself. This quote goes to my baby mama who couldn’t even remember to bring my Father’s Day card. I’m trying to go hard here and make an attempt to be a good dad by paying an arm and a leg for a 21 hour visit and you can’t make a decent attempt.
“L-L-L-L-L-Like a lollipop.”
This is in no way the same as how Weezy intended it. My daughter just really wanted a popsicle so we had to make a trip to Wal Mart. I know you were so wondering how I’d fit that song in. And for the record, she did not lick the wrapper.
“Man you better keep paying me, 'cause you don't want my problems, I be wildin like Capital One “What is in your wallet?”
My favorite Wayne line of the album goes to my favorite moment of the trip: when I almost cold cocked my daughter. Let me explain. My daughter when sleeping has no regard for anyone else. She will take over half the bed despite weighing 28 pounds. And she will kick and punch you. I was having a dream in which I was engaged in a shoot out with terrorists in Chinatown (no, I have no idea why I was dreaming this either). My daughter chose this time to give me a flying flip kick to my side. In my heightened sense of alertness, I pulled back to punch the offending terrorist. But before I let it fly, I woke up briefly enough to realize my daughter was next to me. So tragedy was averted.
“Please don't shoot me down, Cuz I'm flyin, I'm flyin, I'm higherrrrr.”
Actually, on the flight home I wanted our plane to be shot down. I had to sit behind two 12 & 14 year old douches. One of them brought a skateboard on the plane. You know, just in case they had a half pipe in there. And they couldn’t stop rocking their chairs and touching each other. Most egregious was the fact that one of them wore a Red Sox hat. The stewardess asked if he was a Boston fan to make conversation and to keep them from playing grab ass and he didn’t understand what she was talking about. Can we go back to the time when being a Red Sox fan meant dealing with pain and suffering?
“See y'all are at ground, and my daughter is my sky, I swear I look in her face and I just want to break out and fly”
Wow, if in 2008 you tell me Weezy Baby, please say the Baby, would be summarizing my feelings I probably not just called shenanigans, but laughed at you. Oh well, that’s why I paid approximately $35/hr for a visit.
Sorry this was so short, but the trip itself was short.
“Dear Mr. Carter, I am him, How you been? I’ve been around the world and I’m back again.”
Just substitute Barney for Mr. Carter and I feel the same way. I haven’t been doing much work here on the Barney Show, but I’m back to my natural element: writing ill prepared mockeries of East Texas.
“True that swallow, And I be the shhhh, Now you got loose bowels, I don't owe you like two vowels.”
It wouldn’t’ be a Texas Toast episode without some sort of bad luck happening on the trip. This time, as I got on my flight in Charlotte to go to Dallas, we were delayed because of weather and the flight would have to make route changes to avoid this. While they were doing that, a passenger took a dump and got it all over the bathroom. We had to wait an extra 20-30 minutes while cleaning crews were called. Oh, and I was sitting right next to the bathroom.
“I’m ok, but my watch is sick, my rocks is sick, my drop is sick.”
It also would be a trip to Texas without either me or my daughter getting sick. This time it was her. She had a Staph infection on her arm and leg. She was on antibiotics. Apparently, staph is a natural bacteria that is on all our bodies, but this particular type had a bad effect and it caused an infection. This is not to be confused with a Steph infection, which is the nasty feeling you get after hooking up with a maxed out NBA player in the back of a truck in order to get a promotion.
Knick jokes aside, this meant she couldn’t go swimming, which is the one thing I was most looking forward to doing with her.
“We are not the same, I am a Martian.”
My daughter is starting to talk well enough that you can actually engage in conversations with her. This is good. Occasionally though, she’ll say something and you’ll be thinking, “What the fuck?” and just nod your head at her. When Wayne made an entire song around this quote, I had the same reaction. But I was able to blame this on the thought that Weezy was probably as high as a spaceship when he wrote this.
“'Cause you can get through anything if Magic made it, And that was called recycling Re: reciting something, 'Cause you just like it so you say it just like it, Some say it's biting but I say it's enlightening, Besides Dr. Kanye West is one of the brightest.”
Just in case anyone got any bright ideas that I’m talented or something, I just wanted to use a Wayne quote to let people know that I am clearly jacking this format from Sports Guy.
“Lil’ Wayne on these hoes, aka Mr. Make it Rain on them Hoes.”
Can I get off topic for a bit and say how excited I am for the Dallas Cowboys season to begin. First, their quarterback has been on the cover of Us Weekly more than Sports Illustrated. Their star wide receiver made a guest appearance on Flava Flav’s sitcom. They have the only coach coming off having the second best record in the league in his first season that doesn’t have job security. And then they signed Pacman. I nearly forgot that Tank Johnson was in the mix. It’s almost like Jerry Jones is saying, “Hmm…who else can I sign to make this team more Barneyrific?” Also, I’d like to note that if not hearing this Wayne song with T Pain as a single in a month, I’m going to be pissed.
Does anyone else do a song about making it rain as well as T Pain? It’s like he was born to sing about strippers (and wear top hats while doing it). He’s also sang about being in love with a bartender. He’s living the dream. Getting lap dances and drinks for free. I’d say he’s my idol but white people can’t pull off top hats without coming off looking like the Monopoly man.
“It’s Weezy Baby, please say the Baby.”
I think my favorite part about the album is the cover. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a baby (I’m assuming Wayne’s baby picture), with Wayne’s face tats. My daughter was playing around in the rental and saw the album. Which led to this exchange:
D: “Baby?
”B: “Very good. That is a baby.”
D: “What’s on face daddy?”
B: “Ummm….”
They don’t teach you how to handle face tats in Parenting 101, I’ll tell you that.
“Now if ye ain't help me make it, don't tell me how to spend it. And yes I know the rules, never marry Robin Givens.”
So this really was not the most fiscally responsible trip I’ve ever taken. I spent $575 on just the plane ticket. I justified this by saying, “I just got my government incentive check. I didn’t do anything for this money, so I might as well spend it on something good. And the airline industry could use the business. I’ll use this incentive to help the economy.” I’m disappointed in myself for being so patriotic. Because when I first heard about these government issued checks, I was a proponent of spending them Pacman Jones style and spending them on extravagant strippers. Well, I guess I still haven’t paid the credit card bill for this trip, so there’s still time. (Note, this wasn’t from The Carter III, it was from Wayne’s guest on Bun B’s new album. In case, you know, you actually gave a shit.)
“Go further, go farther, go harder, that’s why were here right? If not, why bother.”
The best line of the album comes from Hov himself. This quote goes to my baby mama who couldn’t even remember to bring my Father’s Day card. I’m trying to go hard here and make an attempt to be a good dad by paying an arm and a leg for a 21 hour visit and you can’t make a decent attempt.
“L-L-L-L-L-Like a lollipop.”
This is in no way the same as how Weezy intended it. My daughter just really wanted a popsicle so we had to make a trip to Wal Mart. I know you were so wondering how I’d fit that song in. And for the record, she did not lick the wrapper.
“Man you better keep paying me, 'cause you don't want my problems, I be wildin like Capital One “What is in your wallet?”
My favorite Wayne line of the album goes to my favorite moment of the trip: when I almost cold cocked my daughter. Let me explain. My daughter when sleeping has no regard for anyone else. She will take over half the bed despite weighing 28 pounds. And she will kick and punch you. I was having a dream in which I was engaged in a shoot out with terrorists in Chinatown (no, I have no idea why I was dreaming this either). My daughter chose this time to give me a flying flip kick to my side. In my heightened sense of alertness, I pulled back to punch the offending terrorist. But before I let it fly, I woke up briefly enough to realize my daughter was next to me. So tragedy was averted.
“Please don't shoot me down, Cuz I'm flyin, I'm flyin, I'm higherrrrr.”
Actually, on the flight home I wanted our plane to be shot down. I had to sit behind two 12 & 14 year old douches. One of them brought a skateboard on the plane. You know, just in case they had a half pipe in there. And they couldn’t stop rocking their chairs and touching each other. Most egregious was the fact that one of them wore a Red Sox hat. The stewardess asked if he was a Boston fan to make conversation and to keep them from playing grab ass and he didn’t understand what she was talking about. Can we go back to the time when being a Red Sox fan meant dealing with pain and suffering?
“See y'all are at ground, and my daughter is my sky, I swear I look in her face and I just want to break out and fly”
Wow, if in 2008 you tell me Weezy Baby, please say the Baby, would be summarizing my feelings I probably not just called shenanigans, but laughed at you. Oh well, that’s why I paid approximately $35/hr for a visit.
Sorry this was so short, but the trip itself was short.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Non Finals NBA Update
Man, I really haven’t written anything in awhile. Guess that’s what happens when you spend all your time working. Not only do you not have time, you’re not doing anything exciting. Lucky for me though, LA continues to attend sporting events with her press pass, so I’ve been getting some good stuff to share with you. She’s now covering WNBA games, which I find hilarious. Even more hilarious was when she got hit on at her first game by a female reporter. Anyway, that was just the warm up in getting hit on. She covered another game this week. She sent me a text message saying Andray Blatche was at the game. A little background on Andray in case you don’t know your NBA backup big men very well. He sat out his first NBA season because of a gunshot wound. He was arrested last summer for soliciting a prostitute in Dupont freakin’ Circle (Not the gulliest of places. Whatever happened to use of the word “gully” anyway? Someone get Star and Bucwild on the phone). And he was arrested earlier this week for a DUI.
First, I was confused because why would an NBA player with loads of disposable income spend a Wednesday night at a WNBA game. You literally walk out of the Verizon Center and there is a bar greeting you. And besides, it’s not Jay Z in concert, it’s the WNBA. I’d rather be at work than watch that. But then I remembered there’s a practice facility in the arena, so maybe Andray was trying to avoid a second duey and was getting some jumpers up. It’s reasonable enough that I’ll let going to a WNBA game slide.
Now when I originally found out LA had a press pass, I was pissed that I finally knew someone with NBA access and they were female. I had a much better chance of getting into an arena after I steal a press pass and leave them in a ditch if it’s a guy. Now I’m reconsidering. Because now, I get to see how NBA players react around white girls. And that allows easy jokes (See the Lebron story last month. I’m not sure if I told this one, but apparently Kobe would not look at her. I’ll let you write the joke here but it led to me telling LA to not take it personal and that this was a policy I highly recommend Kobe continue.) This story takes you into the pick up lines of an NBA player.
I’ll set the scene. Andray is slouching on a couch in the press room, eating a bag of popcorn. He has his posse surrounding him which includes someone who looks like a transvestite. He sees LA and goes, “Baby girl, whatchu getting into later?” I can only imagine what went through her head at that moment. Here you have someone who you know has probably banged a prostitute hitting on you. Do you make a joke about it? Ask if money will be exchanged? Hold out for a Wizard who gets more playing time? (She wants to get with Deshawn Stevenson. I would probably laugh for a week if that happened. Would you call him “underrated”? How’s the tat with his number on his back going? Could you still see the mark from where Lebron whooped his ass? Did he do the “I can’t feel my face” move? Though I personally am hoping for Caron Butler just so I can ask, “So, how tough was his juice?” Though there is no way possible I could ask that with a straight face.)
LA went with the “Sorry, I have a story to write.” I booed her (literally) after hearing this, but took it back when she told me her editor was with her. As much fun as it would be to have someone I know get into an argument with an NBA player, I wouldn’t like not having my best NBA source lose their access (And yes, The Barney Show has sources, plural. That’s what being the only fraternity at a tech school that has had a NBA player get into a brawl at gets you. And that’s how I know that Kobe’s act with SAS was pure BS and he hates Jordan. He didn’t take 24 for nothing. This source loses his access because he gets suspended by the team.)
God bless the NBA’s new marketing campaign. Because it makes jokes so easy. 20 seconds to get as many “Where…happens” jokes in. Ready. Set. Go.
The NBA where…kicking game while eating popcorn happens….Baby girl happens….wondering if someone will pay you to have sex happens…transvestite posses happens…and time.
All new Texas Toast coming soon…
First, I was confused because why would an NBA player with loads of disposable income spend a Wednesday night at a WNBA game. You literally walk out of the Verizon Center and there is a bar greeting you. And besides, it’s not Jay Z in concert, it’s the WNBA. I’d rather be at work than watch that. But then I remembered there’s a practice facility in the arena, so maybe Andray was trying to avoid a second duey and was getting some jumpers up. It’s reasonable enough that I’ll let going to a WNBA game slide.
Now when I originally found out LA had a press pass, I was pissed that I finally knew someone with NBA access and they were female. I had a much better chance of getting into an arena after I steal a press pass and leave them in a ditch if it’s a guy. Now I’m reconsidering. Because now, I get to see how NBA players react around white girls. And that allows easy jokes (See the Lebron story last month. I’m not sure if I told this one, but apparently Kobe would not look at her. I’ll let you write the joke here but it led to me telling LA to not take it personal and that this was a policy I highly recommend Kobe continue.) This story takes you into the pick up lines of an NBA player.
I’ll set the scene. Andray is slouching on a couch in the press room, eating a bag of popcorn. He has his posse surrounding him which includes someone who looks like a transvestite. He sees LA and goes, “Baby girl, whatchu getting into later?” I can only imagine what went through her head at that moment. Here you have someone who you know has probably banged a prostitute hitting on you. Do you make a joke about it? Ask if money will be exchanged? Hold out for a Wizard who gets more playing time? (She wants to get with Deshawn Stevenson. I would probably laugh for a week if that happened. Would you call him “underrated”? How’s the tat with his number on his back going? Could you still see the mark from where Lebron whooped his ass? Did he do the “I can’t feel my face” move? Though I personally am hoping for Caron Butler just so I can ask, “So, how tough was his juice?” Though there is no way possible I could ask that with a straight face.)
LA went with the “Sorry, I have a story to write.” I booed her (literally) after hearing this, but took it back when she told me her editor was with her. As much fun as it would be to have someone I know get into an argument with an NBA player, I wouldn’t like not having my best NBA source lose their access (And yes, The Barney Show has sources, plural. That’s what being the only fraternity at a tech school that has had a NBA player get into a brawl at gets you. And that’s how I know that Kobe’s act with SAS was pure BS and he hates Jordan. He didn’t take 24 for nothing. This source loses his access because he gets suspended by the team.)
God bless the NBA’s new marketing campaign. Because it makes jokes so easy. 20 seconds to get as many “Where…happens” jokes in. Ready. Set. Go.
The NBA where…kicking game while eating popcorn happens….Baby girl happens….wondering if someone will pay you to have sex happens…transvestite posses happens…and time.
All new Texas Toast coming soon…
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
Top 7 Drunk Songs
We’re about to embark on the most ambitious Top 7 list I’ve ever made. Ok, here’s the scenario: You’re at a bar/club. It’s 2 in the morning and you’re at the point where you’re drunk, but not completely bombed. In short, you’re on the alcohol high that is so hard to get just right. What song do you want to hear being played at this very minute? To limit this somewhat, I’m set the rules to this: Only one song by an artist or group and it has to have been released as a single. One, to limit it, two, because I want to youtube link to each video. You might disagree with me (in fact, I’m pretty sure you will), but fuck it, this is my blog and I’ll write whatever I want. Let’s start off with the Top 7 that didn’t make the list:
Honorable Mention (in no particular order)
2pac, “California Love”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWOsbGP5Ox4
Montell Jordan, “This is How We Do It”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwjAaDKFRU
Snoop Doggy Dog, “What’s My Name?” – Put this on and set the over/under on number of people I say, “You don’t love me, you just love my doggy style,” to at 3.5.
Petey Pablo, “Raise Up” – Even better if girls take their shirts off and spin it around their head like a helicopter. Ok, if the right girls do it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-26bRZEedZg
Trick Daddy, “Let’s Go” – Official song of the 2004 Yankees collapse. Not only do you get to hear Lil’ Jon interpret Ozzie Osbourne, I also get to reminisce about “Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows” jokes. I have to be the only person who gets choked up on Lil Jon and Trick Daddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZZbTu0yfEY
Big Pun, “Still Not a Player” – Getting to tell a girl, “You couldn’t measure my dick with six rulers” beats any negatives from getting a mental picture of Big Pun’s gut while sitting on the motorcycle in the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwEqTbaFVXU
And now we get to the actual Top 7. Some of the things that factored in to making this prestigious list were beat, misogynistic lyrics, and surprisingly, a good intro. Without further ado, let’s start.
7. Jay-Z, “I Just Wanna (Love You)”
It was tough to pick the one song from Hov I’d like to hear, but in the end I chose this one. The lyrics put this one over the top: “When the Remy’s in the system…” “Ma, but you gotta ride nice dick…” and “Bublin’ in Dublin”. All statements I want to be saying at 2 am. Probably Jay’s most fun lyrics, unless you can sing “Is That Your Chick?” to a guy whose girlfriend you’re banging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHOK0QLEQYM
6. Noreaga, “Superthug”
The simplest chorus ever made the list. Why? Because the beat is ridulous. I would love to hear Pharell going, “You found Manuel Noreaga? In the Philippines?” then wait for the beat to kick in and just go bananas. The only song on this list that would result in me being in a mosh pit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkdEimUipqw
5. Biggie, “Hypnotize”
Same issue we had with Jay. Ultimately, the chorus put it over the top of because I can just substitute “Biggie” with “Barney” and make some ridiculous statement. This would also be on the list of worst songs to hear at 4 am to hear because it might result in me driving a car backwards on an interstate looking for Hummer’s chasing me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S1fUyW6riE
4. Three 6 Mafia, “Poppin’ My Collar”
The first time I heard this song I was in love with it. And what would a best drunken songs list be without the Triple Six? This song will always be connected to a weekend at Bucknell when this was just starting to get popular. The only downside to this is if your at a bar with people who already have their collars popped. But then I doubt you’re having fun or that they play this song. And you deserve whatever fate you get. When’s season 2 of Hollyhood start?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wfYrf3ZlPY
3. Juvenile, “Back That Azz Up”
Do I need to say anything more? Ok, I will. Just hearing the intro drop gets you going. You hear that simple string beat going and you get hyped for the madness that’s about to ensue. Bonus points for the manic depressiveness of having Manny Fresh follow Juvenile. The most misogynistic lyrics on this list by far. And if you have the right girls at 2 am, this can be a great song to just sit back and watch to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL2txMU50CI
2. Dr Dre, “Last Episode”
Just an incredible beat. I’ll contend that you could just put Chronic 2001 on and have a good party, but this is my favorite (if only that had put the intro to track 12 on this beat). It probably would have been # 5 or 6 but Nate Dogg wraps everything up with, “Smoke weed everyday.” Also, watching the video makes me want to party at 8:45 on a Sunday morning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsY3dEpgLgk
1. DJ Kool, “Let Me Clear My Throat”
You might be considering this a huge upset, and to be honest, I would have to agree with you. This comes out of nowhere. But let me ask you this. Have you ever been out and this song comes on? In-fucking-credible. I was out one time and this came on, and it was the most fun 4 minutes I think I’ve had since I was like 8 and could be entertained by things while sober. If you’re like me, you start of with the intro and think, “Oh, that’s cool, it’s the Ma$e song where he’s in a shiny suit outside a casino. I’m glad I’m not watching the video because I might be blinded.” Then its, “Ohhhhh, noo, it’s “Let Me Clear My Throat”. I haven’t heard this in forever. This was my shit back in the day.” And then you just roll with it for however long the song is. I don’t even remember where I was when this came on, I just remembered the other day how much fun that moment was, and I did my most in-depth Top 7 yet because of it. So if that’s not # 1, I don’t know what else can top it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqfCluBH3qY
I know I’m probably forgetting something. But hey, that’s the quality of writing you get from someone with multiple concussions.
Honorable Mention (in no particular order)
2pac, “California Love”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWOsbGP5Ox4
Montell Jordan, “This is How We Do It”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhwjAaDKFRU
Snoop Doggy Dog, “What’s My Name?” – Put this on and set the over/under on number of people I say, “You don’t love me, you just love my doggy style,” to at 3.5.
Petey Pablo, “Raise Up” – Even better if girls take their shirts off and spin it around their head like a helicopter. Ok, if the right girls do it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-26bRZEedZg
Trick Daddy, “Let’s Go” – Official song of the 2004 Yankees collapse. Not only do you get to hear Lil’ Jon interpret Ozzie Osbourne, I also get to reminisce about “Jeter Sucks, A-Rod Swallows” jokes. I have to be the only person who gets choked up on Lil Jon and Trick Daddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZZbTu0yfEY
Big Pun, “Still Not a Player” – Getting to tell a girl, “You couldn’t measure my dick with six rulers” beats any negatives from getting a mental picture of Big Pun’s gut while sitting on the motorcycle in the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwEqTbaFVXU
And now we get to the actual Top 7. Some of the things that factored in to making this prestigious list were beat, misogynistic lyrics, and surprisingly, a good intro. Without further ado, let’s start.
7. Jay-Z, “I Just Wanna (Love You)”
It was tough to pick the one song from Hov I’d like to hear, but in the end I chose this one. The lyrics put this one over the top: “When the Remy’s in the system…” “Ma, but you gotta ride nice dick…” and “Bublin’ in Dublin”. All statements I want to be saying at 2 am. Probably Jay’s most fun lyrics, unless you can sing “Is That Your Chick?” to a guy whose girlfriend you’re banging.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHOK0QLEQYM
6. Noreaga, “Superthug”
The simplest chorus ever made the list. Why? Because the beat is ridulous. I would love to hear Pharell going, “You found Manuel Noreaga? In the Philippines?” then wait for the beat to kick in and just go bananas. The only song on this list that would result in me being in a mosh pit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkdEimUipqw
5. Biggie, “Hypnotize”
Same issue we had with Jay. Ultimately, the chorus put it over the top of because I can just substitute “Biggie” with “Barney” and make some ridiculous statement. This would also be on the list of worst songs to hear at 4 am to hear because it might result in me driving a car backwards on an interstate looking for Hummer’s chasing me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S1fUyW6riE
4. Three 6 Mafia, “Poppin’ My Collar”
The first time I heard this song I was in love with it. And what would a best drunken songs list be without the Triple Six? This song will always be connected to a weekend at Bucknell when this was just starting to get popular. The only downside to this is if your at a bar with people who already have their collars popped. But then I doubt you’re having fun or that they play this song. And you deserve whatever fate you get. When’s season 2 of Hollyhood start?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wfYrf3ZlPY
3. Juvenile, “Back That Azz Up”
Do I need to say anything more? Ok, I will. Just hearing the intro drop gets you going. You hear that simple string beat going and you get hyped for the madness that’s about to ensue. Bonus points for the manic depressiveness of having Manny Fresh follow Juvenile. The most misogynistic lyrics on this list by far. And if you have the right girls at 2 am, this can be a great song to just sit back and watch to.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL2txMU50CI
2. Dr Dre, “Last Episode”
Just an incredible beat. I’ll contend that you could just put Chronic 2001 on and have a good party, but this is my favorite (if only that had put the intro to track 12 on this beat). It probably would have been # 5 or 6 but Nate Dogg wraps everything up with, “Smoke weed everyday.” Also, watching the video makes me want to party at 8:45 on a Sunday morning.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsY3dEpgLgk
1. DJ Kool, “Let Me Clear My Throat”
You might be considering this a huge upset, and to be honest, I would have to agree with you. This comes out of nowhere. But let me ask you this. Have you ever been out and this song comes on? In-fucking-credible. I was out one time and this came on, and it was the most fun 4 minutes I think I’ve had since I was like 8 and could be entertained by things while sober. If you’re like me, you start of with the intro and think, “Oh, that’s cool, it’s the Ma$e song where he’s in a shiny suit outside a casino. I’m glad I’m not watching the video because I might be blinded.” Then its, “Ohhhhh, noo, it’s “Let Me Clear My Throat”. I haven’t heard this in forever. This was my shit back in the day.” And then you just roll with it for however long the song is. I don’t even remember where I was when this came on, I just remembered the other day how much fun that moment was, and I did my most in-depth Top 7 yet because of it. So if that’s not # 1, I don’t know what else can top it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqfCluBH3qY
I know I’m probably forgetting something. But hey, that’s the quality of writing you get from someone with multiple concussions.
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