West End 'til I Die...

...that's just how I get down. Just to wrap up a loose end here on the Barney Show, we’re just going to say that Duke Girl has been removed as a recurring character here (and this isn’t bitter because I gave a shit about her. It’s bitter for other reasons entirely, as you’ll find out. I’m using her to take out a lot of frustration.). Anytime you have me singing Biz Markie’s classic, “Just a Friend,” I can see this isn’t going anywhere. I would hold out to smash, but its tournament time. I can’t risk jinxing my picks. Money over bitches, stick to the script, ya’ heard. Anyway, based on this and other findings this week we’re going to draw some lessons learned. Most notably, an exclusive university education doesn’t mean shit.

First example, is Duke, of course. I wasn’t going to single out DG as generality of an entire school, but meeting some of her friends, let’s go there. To me, that education doesn’t mean shit. I have more intelligence in my left nut than half of her friends. The rest of them, I might have to use my full brain. Keep in mind that it’s a multiple time concussed, alcohol abused brain. I’d think an education from such a prestigious institution as Duke would allow you to speak audible sentences. I was wrong. Yes, that degree in foreign policy does wonders in the real world. Ever done a spreadsheet with lookup functions? No? Than what the fuck good are you if you can tell me the themes of Henry David Thoreau’s poems? That doesn’t make money.

Second example of an education not meaning shit is Eliot Spitzer, former governor of New York. Really, homey? Prostitution? Across state lines? How dumb do are you that as a former prosecutor, you didn’t know to never take a crime across state lines? That’s when the Feds get involved and how they bring the wrath of God on your ass. I learned that in 11th grade American History from a public school. The Constitution gives the federal government the power to regulate interstate commerce. Do I think it’s been overused? Yes, but that’s another story. Do not cross state lines with any forms of illicit activity. It’s that simple. But did they teach you that at Princeton or Harvard? I doubt it. You probably got a hell of an education in philosophy though. (So you’re telling me, my three credits for Thermodynamics was tougher than your three credits for World Literature? You’re kidding me. And my 20 credits a semester was tougher than your 15? But because you have a degree from an institution that gives a shit about its ranking in US & World News, so that makes you better than me. Okay. If you say so.)

The second thing we learned from this is, “How do you get an Ivy League education?” Is it talent? No, of course not. It’s money stupid. How do I know this? Because half her Duke friends work for non-profit organizations. And how do they afford to live in a major metropolitan area on the bullshit salary they pay you at a non-profit? Mommy and Daddy, that’s who. Also, Spitzer was the governor of the third largest state in the country, yet his apartment in Manhattan was paid for by his dad. Thirdly, they work for a non-profit in the ghetto and are afraid to stay late because of things that might happen to them. Let’s just say I’m pretty sure they haven’t dropped 26 points in a high school gym, then gotten on the bus and seen people lined up on multiple cop cars, all being arrested for gun possession.

The final thing we learned is that my parents should be proud. The sons of a bartender and a waitress can go into any Ivy League bar and talk to anyone. In fact, we’ll just unleash J-Man and he’ll do a Will Hunting on some long haired prick. If we want to make it real interesting, I can discuss management policies in the real world. And I know my American history up and down. You want to discuss sports? Ok Dukies. You won the NCAAs in 2001 because the refs refused to call a third foul in the first half on Jay Williams when he literally went over the top of either Jason Terry or Arenas, you won in 1992 because Rick Pitino failed to guard the inbound passer, and you won in 1991 because UNLV was too tired from banging Vegas strippers in hot tubs. Oh, I forgot, you Ivies are worldly educated. Then I’ll give you my brother who has a learning disability, Crazy Matt. He’ll pick you apart piece by piece on foreign stuff. Piece by fucking piece. As long as it’s about wars (he can go back about 1500 years). And he has a sleep disorder. What’s your excuse for not knowing this stuff? Do they teach you that stuff in Ivies or do you think all wars are America’s fault? Because if you want to go that route, Chubb fucking Rock will take you out back and show you why you have your freedom (not that he's dumber that Ivy League pricks. He just has a thing called honor that none of you could understand). Either way, we’re walking out of your bar in better shape than you are. How do you like them apples?

And you know what? I can’t wait to manage these fucks. Because I won’t do a story with BusinessWeek, Forbes, Fortune, any of those unless, everyone I’m down with is posing for the story in suits, fedoras and a black and white picture No Way Out style. And the opening line of the story is:

“The sun don’t shine forever
‘Cause as long as it’s here then we might as well shine together
Better now then never
Business before pleasure
P Diddy and the Fam who you know do it better?”

They can also take a picture of me at my desk with this motto engraved behind me: “I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.” Maybe this was a vent session. Maybe this was a rant. But it was the truth, so fuck you if you disagree.

(Am I tired of getting college grads from prestigious institutions work for me who know shit and are lazy? Yes. Was this written after a shitty day of work? Yes. Did I have two double Jack on the rocks at happy hour before writing this episode on the train? Yes. Do I think this is causing me to write about feelings I don’t have? No. This might be the favorite episode I’ve ever written. Me and my brothers, West End motherfuckers, born and raised. And K-Dog, this isn’t a knock on your education. You’re from Pine Box and you hustled the people I’m talking about here.)