Texas Toast

We’re back with America’s favorite semi-regular episode feature a protagonist who goes to Texas. On this episode, I spend Easter in Texas. While you think this is bad, this is a mark contrast to last year’s Easter. I was drunk from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning. I did my own Passion and drank for two days straight and rose from near death on the third. Saturday was fun because I was being belligerent (imagine that) and asking my brothers why they haven’t had an intervention yet (this was while drinking a bottle of shitty tequila at 11:30 am). Saturday night the party continued. Sunday morning I felt like hell and was only able to eat mashed potatoes at Easter dinner. And everyone was laughing at me. Where was I? Oh yeah, trip to Texas. I forgot.

“Stay classy, San Diego.” – Anchorman
Apparently, US Airways did not get this message. When I requested some Scotch on board, they replied, “We only have beer and wine.” So I asked for a beer, and they gave me a can. They didn’t even have bottles. It was so bad, I didn’t even ask for one on the flight home.
On the plus side, they did get me to my destinations early both times. So if that’s what I have to deal with in order to get somewhere on time, I’ll take it. Hey, at least a gun didn’t go off while I was on board: http://www.wcnc.com/news/topstories/stories/wcnc-032308-sjf-gunonplane.1c4cabd1.html

“I got that ignorant shit you need.” – Hov
So one of the friends of my BM’s family died a couple weeks ago, most likely o’ding on something (they’re still waiting for the autopsy results). His friends decided to honor him by getting coozies made (camouflage colored of course) with “Beer, Babes & Ammunition” inscribed. Maybe it’s just me, but I think if someone died a drug related death, it might be considered inappropriate to put something he consumed the night of his death on his tribute. But that’s just me. Even if it isn’t inappropriate, it is ignorant as fuck. For the record, if anyone decides to honor my memory by getting coozies made, I will come back in the afterlife and make my purpose in the afterlife haunting them. Pouring out Henn Rock will be an appropriate tribute.

“That’s drama with a capital D.” - LA
So I got in at 12:30 Thursday night. By 9:30 Friday morning, I was having a conversation with my Ms. Jackson about the state of her family. Apparently, my baby mama’s parents are getting a divorce because the father had an affair with the mom’s coworkers and has an illegitimate daughter that he’s never recognized that is three years old. Please read that again. Just when I think things can’t get more fucked up, they get more fucked up exponentially. My daughter has an aunt that’s a year older than her. That’s some Jerry Springer shit. I wouldn’t be prepared for that if I had a few drinks in me, never mind when I’m still trying to figure out what time zone I’m in. So I’m going to have to instill family values in a child whose primary family is the antithesis of that. Hopefully, I’ll still have a blog by that point. I’m trying to put the “fun” in dysfunctional. (They don’t call me the Wizard of Word Play for nothing. Wait, no one calls me that. Though I did manage to include the words “exponentially” and “antithesis” into a paragraph about illegitimate children. Remember when people told you reading improves your vocabulary. They were right. I should have been reading on the bus to school instead of listening to rap music. But then you wouldn’t have rap quotes to precede those big words, so it would probably be less entertaining. So scratch that reading on the bus thing.)

“We’ve been mushed.” – Bronx Tale
I’m not sure if you noticed, but I had the anti-Midas touch going this week in my picks. I’m like Mush from Bronx Tale. Kent State only had the lowest scoring half in the history of the NCAA tournament after I picked them, and Drake got beat on a 28 footer from a guy who was nearly out of bounds. Those picks ran the gamut of ways to lose. While watching the Kent State game, I remarked that I should have just lit my $20 on fire. It would have been more entertaining than watching a team score six points in the first 17 minutes.

Friday night I took my daughter to an Easter party with all her friends. First off, they scheduled the egg hunt at 6 pm (central time), which only coincided with the start of the evening games. This would be completely and utterly unacceptable in Barney family functions. That hour gap where they showed the news would have been jam packed with activities. This did not make me happy to be there. Though I did realize that sports have completely distorted my view of the real world. Consider these examples:
Some kids are playing ball and one gets their leg rolled on. My first thought, is, “That might be an ACL tear, at least a knee sprain.” The kid bounced right up. 7 year olds do not tear knee ligaments.
We’re playing Monkey in the Middle and the monkey decides to face guard the other guy. What flashed through my mind? “Throw it up where only he can get it and if he gets outworked or outjumped, that’s his fault.” I really need to get out more.
Finally, there was a kid there named Drake. Seeing the results from earlier in the day, I could not look at him without wanting to drop kick him. He conveniently got passes that were under thrown.

“My better is better than your better.” – Nike
A few thoughts on this ad campaign. First, there was a 50% chance I was going to buy at least some of the Nike Sparq training program because some of the stuff they have there is fun (reason # 875 why I’m not normal: I think plyometrics are fun). This increased to roughly 80% after I was winded after chasing a bunch of 8 year olds at this Easter thing. Secondly, I noticed that my daughter was a bit slow in the Easter Egg hunt from what I saw. So don’t be surprised if you hear in a few years, “Well, Daddy’s going to the park to go work out. You can go to the swings, or you can stay will me and do some drills.”
Finally, I think this slogan can be applied to everyday life, especially mine. “My drunker is drunker than your drunker.” This is definitely true. I fall off chairs and don’t think I’m really that fucked up. “My hard work works harder than your hard work.” Again, this is definitely true. The people I work with think doing something for 8 hours is hard work. I could do 8 hours standing on my head. “My illegitimate children are illegitimater than your illegitimate children.” As noted above, she now has an illegitimate aunt. Your move guys who trust birth control.

“It’s not called gym-nice-tics.” – Stick It
Think your Saturday night sucked? I’m pretty sure I got you beat. I was forced to watch a movie called Stick It which is about gymnastics. So not only was I missing the tournament, I was watching a movie about gymnastics. I repeat, gymnastics. That was an actual quote from the movie. The only redeeming quality about this movie was that these girls were hot (I don’t know where they found these girls, but the lead girl was banging.). Unfortunately, my daughter was sitting on my lap for some of the movie, so I spent it thinking unsexy thoughts so I wouldn’t get wood.
In case you were wondering, my daughter has started taking a gymnastics class. Because I was hoping she would get into a sport which involves 5 am practices, all weekend competitions and allows you to develop skills which Seinfeld feels are worth having bad dates for in order to experience. It would also allow me to look at teenagers in spandex, which would mean I would spend half my weekends trying to not break any laws. I’m not going to discourage her from doing what she wants, but knowing my luck, she will become a world class gymnast. And I’ll have to sit there and like it.

“Straight cash, homey.” – Randy Moss
In what is becoming a regular feature here, I now bring you amazing jerseys I saw on my trip. Last time, I saw an OJ Simpson USC jersey. While in the airport going to Dallas, I saw a Chicago Bears Rashaan Salaam jersey. I think he was out of the league in 1998. (Actually it was 2004, but this was after he was in the XFL.) He did win a Heisman though. I also saw a Tracy McGrady Orlando Magic jersey (though when I saw Magic and the number 1, I was really hoping it was a Penny Hardaway jersey. I could respect that.), and a Cowboys Drew Bledsoe jersey. I thought it was a law in Texas that you had to love Romo even though he’s choked in his only two playoff games, but what do I know.

“Oh, my neck, my back, my neck and my back. Oh, I want $150,000, but we can settle out of court right now for twenty bucks.” - Friday
Yes, I know I used this quote in the last Texas Toast. However, it wouldn’t be a Texas Toast episode without an injury. This time, it was a back injury resulting from carrying my daughter too much. I guess its better than my back strain a month ago which was the result of vomiting too violently at work because I was so hungover.

“I saw OJ Simpson and I thought, man, he’s got a really big head.” – Charlie Murphy
So I’m in DFW airport looking for Burger King to get something to eat, and who should I run into? That’s right, former NBA star, Mark Jackson. My first thought was, “Why is Mark Jackson here?” Then I realized the Mavs and Spurs just played and it was probably nationally televised. It took me awhile to determine if it really was him, and I determined that yes, it was Mark Jackson when I was like 2 feet from him (damn, I should have had my glasses on). So by the time I realized it was him, I had no time to think of anything to say to him (In hindsight, it would have been, “Why has no team in the NBA, specifically the Knicks, hired you to coach yet?”). So I walk past him and these were my thoughts word for word in my head: “Wow, that was Mark Jackson…that was a gay ass tie he had on.” It was a straight purple tie if you didn’t see the broadcast. I can’t even pull off a celebrity encounter properly.

Finally, I’ve realized I can’t take vacation anymore. Not only does nothing get done in the office without me, but I was completely in the dark that there were rumors about a Lindsay Lohan sex tape this weekend. I might have crashed my hard drive if I had heard about that earlier. And on that note, we conclude this episode of Texas Toast.