I’m trying to figure out what makes me feel older: Chris Webber retiring or that XXL has the 10 year anniversary of “It’s Dark and Hell is Hot.” Probably Webber because the Fab Five were the defining team of my childhood. But it’s close.
Of course the day after I get back from Texas, Pacman Jones goes on the Michael Irvin show. Let me say Pacman going to Dallas might be the best thing ever. On the 10 mile interstate through Dallas on my way to the airport, there were no less than 3 billboards advertising for strip clubs. I’ve read stories about people making road trips to Dallas for these clubs. I can’t wait for him to start asking for Jessica Simpson to take her shirt off. If that happens, I’m shutting down the Barney Show because that will never be topped.
FYI…if any of my readers are in the Atlanta area on Sunday night, Pacman is hosting a Grey Goose party. Sadly, Maurice Clarett will not be there.
Somehow, I picked Duke last week and forgot they were playing Belmont. To think after everything that was drilled into me as a child, I still bet against Belmont. (Wait, you didn’t spend countless childhood hours at a race track? Ok, that’s why you don’t get it.)
http://blogs.clevescene.com/cnotes/2008/03/the_lebron_james_leaveometer_w.php
Let the countdown to Brooklyn begin.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Texas Toast
We’re back with America’s favorite semi-regular episode feature a protagonist who goes to Texas. On this episode, I spend Easter in Texas. While you think this is bad, this is a mark contrast to last year’s Easter. I was drunk from Friday afternoon until Sunday morning. I did my own Passion and drank for two days straight and rose from near death on the third. Saturday was fun because I was being belligerent (imagine that) and asking my brothers why they haven’t had an intervention yet (this was while drinking a bottle of shitty tequila at 11:30 am). Saturday night the party continued. Sunday morning I felt like hell and was only able to eat mashed potatoes at Easter dinner. And everyone was laughing at me. Where was I? Oh yeah, trip to Texas. I forgot.
“Stay classy, San Diego.” – Anchorman
Apparently, US Airways did not get this message. When I requested some Scotch on board, they replied, “We only have beer and wine.” So I asked for a beer, and they gave me a can. They didn’t even have bottles. It was so bad, I didn’t even ask for one on the flight home.
On the plus side, they did get me to my destinations early both times. So if that’s what I have to deal with in order to get somewhere on time, I’ll take it. Hey, at least a gun didn’t go off while I was on board: http://www.wcnc.com/news/topstories/stories/wcnc-032308-sjf-gunonplane.1c4cabd1.html
“I got that ignorant shit you need.” – Hov
So one of the friends of my BM’s family died a couple weeks ago, most likely o’ding on something (they’re still waiting for the autopsy results). His friends decided to honor him by getting coozies made (camouflage colored of course) with “Beer, Babes & Ammunition” inscribed. Maybe it’s just me, but I think if someone died a drug related death, it might be considered inappropriate to put something he consumed the night of his death on his tribute. But that’s just me. Even if it isn’t inappropriate, it is ignorant as fuck. For the record, if anyone decides to honor my memory by getting coozies made, I will come back in the afterlife and make my purpose in the afterlife haunting them. Pouring out Henn Rock will be an appropriate tribute.
“That’s drama with a capital D.” - LA
So I got in at 12:30 Thursday night. By 9:30 Friday morning, I was having a conversation with my Ms. Jackson about the state of her family. Apparently, my baby mama’s parents are getting a divorce because the father had an affair with the mom’s coworkers and has an illegitimate daughter that he’s never recognized that is three years old. Please read that again. Just when I think things can’t get more fucked up, they get more fucked up exponentially. My daughter has an aunt that’s a year older than her. That’s some Jerry Springer shit. I wouldn’t be prepared for that if I had a few drinks in me, never mind when I’m still trying to figure out what time zone I’m in. So I’m going to have to instill family values in a child whose primary family is the antithesis of that. Hopefully, I’ll still have a blog by that point. I’m trying to put the “fun” in dysfunctional. (They don’t call me the Wizard of Word Play for nothing. Wait, no one calls me that. Though I did manage to include the words “exponentially” and “antithesis” into a paragraph about illegitimate children. Remember when people told you reading improves your vocabulary. They were right. I should have been reading on the bus to school instead of listening to rap music. But then you wouldn’t have rap quotes to precede those big words, so it would probably be less entertaining. So scratch that reading on the bus thing.)
“We’ve been mushed.” – Bronx Tale
I’m not sure if you noticed, but I had the anti-Midas touch going this week in my picks. I’m like Mush from Bronx Tale. Kent State only had the lowest scoring half in the history of the NCAA tournament after I picked them, and Drake got beat on a 28 footer from a guy who was nearly out of bounds. Those picks ran the gamut of ways to lose. While watching the Kent State game, I remarked that I should have just lit my $20 on fire. It would have been more entertaining than watching a team score six points in the first 17 minutes.
Friday night I took my daughter to an Easter party with all her friends. First off, they scheduled the egg hunt at 6 pm (central time), which only coincided with the start of the evening games. This would be completely and utterly unacceptable in Barney family functions. That hour gap where they showed the news would have been jam packed with activities. This did not make me happy to be there. Though I did realize that sports have completely distorted my view of the real world. Consider these examples:
Some kids are playing ball and one gets their leg rolled on. My first thought, is, “That might be an ACL tear, at least a knee sprain.” The kid bounced right up. 7 year olds do not tear knee ligaments.
We’re playing Monkey in the Middle and the monkey decides to face guard the other guy. What flashed through my mind? “Throw it up where only he can get it and if he gets outworked or outjumped, that’s his fault.” I really need to get out more.
Finally, there was a kid there named Drake. Seeing the results from earlier in the day, I could not look at him without wanting to drop kick him. He conveniently got passes that were under thrown.
“My better is better than your better.” – Nike
A few thoughts on this ad campaign. First, there was a 50% chance I was going to buy at least some of the Nike Sparq training program because some of the stuff they have there is fun (reason # 875 why I’m not normal: I think plyometrics are fun). This increased to roughly 80% after I was winded after chasing a bunch of 8 year olds at this Easter thing. Secondly, I noticed that my daughter was a bit slow in the Easter Egg hunt from what I saw. So don’t be surprised if you hear in a few years, “Well, Daddy’s going to the park to go work out. You can go to the swings, or you can stay will me and do some drills.”
Finally, I think this slogan can be applied to everyday life, especially mine. “My drunker is drunker than your drunker.” This is definitely true. I fall off chairs and don’t think I’m really that fucked up. “My hard work works harder than your hard work.” Again, this is definitely true. The people I work with think doing something for 8 hours is hard work. I could do 8 hours standing on my head. “My illegitimate children are illegitimater than your illegitimate children.” As noted above, she now has an illegitimate aunt. Your move guys who trust birth control.
“It’s not called gym-nice-tics.” – Stick It
Think your Saturday night sucked? I’m pretty sure I got you beat. I was forced to watch a movie called Stick It which is about gymnastics. So not only was I missing the tournament, I was watching a movie about gymnastics. I repeat, gymnastics. That was an actual quote from the movie. The only redeeming quality about this movie was that these girls were hot (I don’t know where they found these girls, but the lead girl was banging.). Unfortunately, my daughter was sitting on my lap for some of the movie, so I spent it thinking unsexy thoughts so I wouldn’t get wood.
In case you were wondering, my daughter has started taking a gymnastics class. Because I was hoping she would get into a sport which involves 5 am practices, all weekend competitions and allows you to develop skills which Seinfeld feels are worth having bad dates for in order to experience. It would also allow me to look at teenagers in spandex, which would mean I would spend half my weekends trying to not break any laws. I’m not going to discourage her from doing what she wants, but knowing my luck, she will become a world class gymnast. And I’ll have to sit there and like it.
“Straight cash, homey.” – Randy Moss
In what is becoming a regular feature here, I now bring you amazing jerseys I saw on my trip. Last time, I saw an OJ Simpson USC jersey. While in the airport going to Dallas, I saw a Chicago Bears Rashaan Salaam jersey. I think he was out of the league in 1998. (Actually it was 2004, but this was after he was in the XFL.) He did win a Heisman though. I also saw a Tracy McGrady Orlando Magic jersey (though when I saw Magic and the number 1, I was really hoping it was a Penny Hardaway jersey. I could respect that.), and a Cowboys Drew Bledsoe jersey. I thought it was a law in Texas that you had to love Romo even though he’s choked in his only two playoff games, but what do I know.
“Oh, my neck, my back, my neck and my back. Oh, I want $150,000, but we can settle out of court right now for twenty bucks.” - Friday
Yes, I know I used this quote in the last Texas Toast. However, it wouldn’t be a Texas Toast episode without an injury. This time, it was a back injury resulting from carrying my daughter too much. I guess its better than my back strain a month ago which was the result of vomiting too violently at work because I was so hungover.
“I saw OJ Simpson and I thought, man, he’s got a really big head.” – Charlie Murphy
So I’m in DFW airport looking for Burger King to get something to eat, and who should I run into? That’s right, former NBA star, Mark Jackson. My first thought was, “Why is Mark Jackson here?” Then I realized the Mavs and Spurs just played and it was probably nationally televised. It took me awhile to determine if it really was him, and I determined that yes, it was Mark Jackson when I was like 2 feet from him (damn, I should have had my glasses on). So by the time I realized it was him, I had no time to think of anything to say to him (In hindsight, it would have been, “Why has no team in the NBA, specifically the Knicks, hired you to coach yet?”). So I walk past him and these were my thoughts word for word in my head: “Wow, that was Mark Jackson…that was a gay ass tie he had on.” It was a straight purple tie if you didn’t see the broadcast. I can’t even pull off a celebrity encounter properly.
Finally, I’ve realized I can’t take vacation anymore. Not only does nothing get done in the office without me, but I was completely in the dark that there were rumors about a Lindsay Lohan sex tape this weekend. I might have crashed my hard drive if I had heard about that earlier. And on that note, we conclude this episode of Texas Toast.
“Stay classy, San Diego.” – Anchorman
Apparently, US Airways did not get this message. When I requested some Scotch on board, they replied, “We only have beer and wine.” So I asked for a beer, and they gave me a can. They didn’t even have bottles. It was so bad, I didn’t even ask for one on the flight home.
On the plus side, they did get me to my destinations early both times. So if that’s what I have to deal with in order to get somewhere on time, I’ll take it. Hey, at least a gun didn’t go off while I was on board: http://www.wcnc.com/news/topstories/stories/wcnc-032308-sjf-gunonplane.1c4cabd1.html
“I got that ignorant shit you need.” – Hov
So one of the friends of my BM’s family died a couple weeks ago, most likely o’ding on something (they’re still waiting for the autopsy results). His friends decided to honor him by getting coozies made (camouflage colored of course) with “Beer, Babes & Ammunition” inscribed. Maybe it’s just me, but I think if someone died a drug related death, it might be considered inappropriate to put something he consumed the night of his death on his tribute. But that’s just me. Even if it isn’t inappropriate, it is ignorant as fuck. For the record, if anyone decides to honor my memory by getting coozies made, I will come back in the afterlife and make my purpose in the afterlife haunting them. Pouring out Henn Rock will be an appropriate tribute.
“That’s drama with a capital D.” - LA
So I got in at 12:30 Thursday night. By 9:30 Friday morning, I was having a conversation with my Ms. Jackson about the state of her family. Apparently, my baby mama’s parents are getting a divorce because the father had an affair with the mom’s coworkers and has an illegitimate daughter that he’s never recognized that is three years old. Please read that again. Just when I think things can’t get more fucked up, they get more fucked up exponentially. My daughter has an aunt that’s a year older than her. That’s some Jerry Springer shit. I wouldn’t be prepared for that if I had a few drinks in me, never mind when I’m still trying to figure out what time zone I’m in. So I’m going to have to instill family values in a child whose primary family is the antithesis of that. Hopefully, I’ll still have a blog by that point. I’m trying to put the “fun” in dysfunctional. (They don’t call me the Wizard of Word Play for nothing. Wait, no one calls me that. Though I did manage to include the words “exponentially” and “antithesis” into a paragraph about illegitimate children. Remember when people told you reading improves your vocabulary. They were right. I should have been reading on the bus to school instead of listening to rap music. But then you wouldn’t have rap quotes to precede those big words, so it would probably be less entertaining. So scratch that reading on the bus thing.)
“We’ve been mushed.” – Bronx Tale
I’m not sure if you noticed, but I had the anti-Midas touch going this week in my picks. I’m like Mush from Bronx Tale. Kent State only had the lowest scoring half in the history of the NCAA tournament after I picked them, and Drake got beat on a 28 footer from a guy who was nearly out of bounds. Those picks ran the gamut of ways to lose. While watching the Kent State game, I remarked that I should have just lit my $20 on fire. It would have been more entertaining than watching a team score six points in the first 17 minutes.
Friday night I took my daughter to an Easter party with all her friends. First off, they scheduled the egg hunt at 6 pm (central time), which only coincided with the start of the evening games. This would be completely and utterly unacceptable in Barney family functions. That hour gap where they showed the news would have been jam packed with activities. This did not make me happy to be there. Though I did realize that sports have completely distorted my view of the real world. Consider these examples:
Some kids are playing ball and one gets their leg rolled on. My first thought, is, “That might be an ACL tear, at least a knee sprain.” The kid bounced right up. 7 year olds do not tear knee ligaments.
We’re playing Monkey in the Middle and the monkey decides to face guard the other guy. What flashed through my mind? “Throw it up where only he can get it and if he gets outworked or outjumped, that’s his fault.” I really need to get out more.
Finally, there was a kid there named Drake. Seeing the results from earlier in the day, I could not look at him without wanting to drop kick him. He conveniently got passes that were under thrown.
“My better is better than your better.” – Nike
A few thoughts on this ad campaign. First, there was a 50% chance I was going to buy at least some of the Nike Sparq training program because some of the stuff they have there is fun (reason # 875 why I’m not normal: I think plyometrics are fun). This increased to roughly 80% after I was winded after chasing a bunch of 8 year olds at this Easter thing. Secondly, I noticed that my daughter was a bit slow in the Easter Egg hunt from what I saw. So don’t be surprised if you hear in a few years, “Well, Daddy’s going to the park to go work out. You can go to the swings, or you can stay will me and do some drills.”
Finally, I think this slogan can be applied to everyday life, especially mine. “My drunker is drunker than your drunker.” This is definitely true. I fall off chairs and don’t think I’m really that fucked up. “My hard work works harder than your hard work.” Again, this is definitely true. The people I work with think doing something for 8 hours is hard work. I could do 8 hours standing on my head. “My illegitimate children are illegitimater than your illegitimate children.” As noted above, she now has an illegitimate aunt. Your move guys who trust birth control.
“It’s not called gym-nice-tics.” – Stick It
Think your Saturday night sucked? I’m pretty sure I got you beat. I was forced to watch a movie called Stick It which is about gymnastics. So not only was I missing the tournament, I was watching a movie about gymnastics. I repeat, gymnastics. That was an actual quote from the movie. The only redeeming quality about this movie was that these girls were hot (I don’t know where they found these girls, but the lead girl was banging.). Unfortunately, my daughter was sitting on my lap for some of the movie, so I spent it thinking unsexy thoughts so I wouldn’t get wood.
In case you were wondering, my daughter has started taking a gymnastics class. Because I was hoping she would get into a sport which involves 5 am practices, all weekend competitions and allows you to develop skills which Seinfeld feels are worth having bad dates for in order to experience. It would also allow me to look at teenagers in spandex, which would mean I would spend half my weekends trying to not break any laws. I’m not going to discourage her from doing what she wants, but knowing my luck, she will become a world class gymnast. And I’ll have to sit there and like it.
“Straight cash, homey.” – Randy Moss
In what is becoming a regular feature here, I now bring you amazing jerseys I saw on my trip. Last time, I saw an OJ Simpson USC jersey. While in the airport going to Dallas, I saw a Chicago Bears Rashaan Salaam jersey. I think he was out of the league in 1998. (Actually it was 2004, but this was after he was in the XFL.) He did win a Heisman though. I also saw a Tracy McGrady Orlando Magic jersey (though when I saw Magic and the number 1, I was really hoping it was a Penny Hardaway jersey. I could respect that.), and a Cowboys Drew Bledsoe jersey. I thought it was a law in Texas that you had to love Romo even though he’s choked in his only two playoff games, but what do I know.
“Oh, my neck, my back, my neck and my back. Oh, I want $150,000, but we can settle out of court right now for twenty bucks.” - Friday
Yes, I know I used this quote in the last Texas Toast. However, it wouldn’t be a Texas Toast episode without an injury. This time, it was a back injury resulting from carrying my daughter too much. I guess its better than my back strain a month ago which was the result of vomiting too violently at work because I was so hungover.
“I saw OJ Simpson and I thought, man, he’s got a really big head.” – Charlie Murphy
So I’m in DFW airport looking for Burger King to get something to eat, and who should I run into? That’s right, former NBA star, Mark Jackson. My first thought was, “Why is Mark Jackson here?” Then I realized the Mavs and Spurs just played and it was probably nationally televised. It took me awhile to determine if it really was him, and I determined that yes, it was Mark Jackson when I was like 2 feet from him (damn, I should have had my glasses on). So by the time I realized it was him, I had no time to think of anything to say to him (In hindsight, it would have been, “Why has no team in the NBA, specifically the Knicks, hired you to coach yet?”). So I walk past him and these were my thoughts word for word in my head: “Wow, that was Mark Jackson…that was a gay ass tie he had on.” It was a straight purple tie if you didn’t see the broadcast. I can’t even pull off a celebrity encounter properly.
Finally, I’ve realized I can’t take vacation anymore. Not only does nothing get done in the office without me, but I was completely in the dark that there were rumors about a Lindsay Lohan sex tape this weekend. I might have crashed my hard drive if I had heard about that earlier. And on that note, we conclude this episode of Texas Toast.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
And we're off...
Alright, it’s about that time again. It’s the greatest day of the year and how am I celebrating it? By sitting in an office all day and then hopping on a plane to Texas, that’s how. D’oh. I’ll be in the air during the USC-Kansas State matchup. Fuck me with a garden hose.
I’m hoping yesterday got all of my bad luck out of the way and good luck will be channeled to me this year. First, I overslept, so I got into work and hour late. Then, while wearing a white shirt, I somehow managed to get a massive stain on my right sleeve. I had to work until 7:30. Oh, and on the train ride home, I somehow managed to get rained on (I have no idea how this happened).
If you’re hoping for NCAA picks from me, you’re not in luck. I haven’t entered any brackets this year because the 8732 blocks all sites that have picks. I briefly considered entering John McCain’s NCAA pool, but this didn’t outweigh 6 months of e-mails I would get. Plus you can’t win any real money.
So instead, I’ve got three entries in NCAA Survivor. One pick a day. They win, you advance. And you can’t use them again. I think I might have gone a little overboard because I have the most entries out of anyone. For the opening day, I’ve got Stanford, Duke and Kent State. If I survive, I’m playing Drake, Butler and Miami tomorrow. I think the key is to not shoot your wad early and pick any of the teams you think will actually win. I know you are all anxiously awaiting my results. Just a note, this might be the most degenerate Mick gambling operation ever. Out of 27 entrants, there a 5 people with Mc, and 4 Patrick’s. Makes me proud of my heritage. Enjoy the games. Back on Monday with Texas Toast.
I’m hoping yesterday got all of my bad luck out of the way and good luck will be channeled to me this year. First, I overslept, so I got into work and hour late. Then, while wearing a white shirt, I somehow managed to get a massive stain on my right sleeve. I had to work until 7:30. Oh, and on the train ride home, I somehow managed to get rained on (I have no idea how this happened).
If you’re hoping for NCAA picks from me, you’re not in luck. I haven’t entered any brackets this year because the 8732 blocks all sites that have picks. I briefly considered entering John McCain’s NCAA pool, but this didn’t outweigh 6 months of e-mails I would get. Plus you can’t win any real money.
So instead, I’ve got three entries in NCAA Survivor. One pick a day. They win, you advance. And you can’t use them again. I think I might have gone a little overboard because I have the most entries out of anyone. For the opening day, I’ve got Stanford, Duke and Kent State. If I survive, I’m playing Drake, Butler and Miami tomorrow. I think the key is to not shoot your wad early and pick any of the teams you think will actually win. I know you are all anxiously awaiting my results. Just a note, this might be the most degenerate Mick gambling operation ever. Out of 27 entrants, there a 5 people with Mc, and 4 Patrick’s. Makes me proud of my heritage. Enjoy the games. Back on Monday with Texas Toast.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Happy St Patrick's Day
Happy St. Patty’s day to all. Just in case you were wondering, I will be attending Doh Boy’s St Patrick’s Day Shindig, but I do not plan on staying long. I need to leave somewhat sober because I need to do research for my picks. Yes, I am passing up a night of alcohol fueled debauchery in order to make good, solid NCAA picks. Because I can get shitfaced pretty much any other night of the year. But tonight and tomorrow are the only time I can do research into gambling on the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m entering a new thing this year: NCAA Suicide Pool. That’s right. I pick one team on Thursday. If they win, I pick one team on Friday. Except it can’t be the same team. Is there strategy involved? Hell yes there is. Do I pick UNC early and hope to survive? What if I get to the final four and all my teams have been used. This seems like a recipe for a 14 way tie, but I’m all for it.
And we’re changing the background for today. This week is the high holiday season in Barney’s World (its just coincidence that it aligns with the actual Holy Week). What can I say? I was raised Catholic. We like to change colors.
And we’re changing the background for today. This week is the high holiday season in Barney’s World (its just coincidence that it aligns with the actual Holy Week). What can I say? I was raised Catholic. We like to change colors.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Weekend Musings
Here’s a piece of advice for all you out there in internet land (if you’ve come to this site by accident after googling “advice”, please do not listen. This should be the last place you come for advice. And yet, I digress): if someone asks you to do recommendations to grad school, politely say no, then pull the fire alarm and run. I spent three hours this weekend writing about this girl’s strengths, weaknesses, etc. By the time I got to the fourth application I was seriously contemplating writing, “One of Girl A’s greatest talents is her ability to perform fellatio. She shows tremendous enthusiasm for performing the act, and has no gag reflex.” You know, just to see if people actually read these things. (Not that I’d know or anything. But I’m not going to lie and say I haven’t looked for diversions from doing work and played the “Which of the 5 women I’m currently working with would give the best head” game, if only to keep myself from kidney punching myself because I somehow get paid less than all of them yet do more work.) I kind of feel sorry for her because the rest of her life could be determined by what I write in a recommendation. Because if you can’t tell by now, you will know by the end of this episode that the less I write, the better for all of mankind (Though I do enjoy how I was able to write about a blow job in professional speak.).
You know what sucks about living in ACC country? ESPN doesn’t broadcast their tournament for some reason. I’m stuck watching it on MY CW or something like that. Plus: No Dick Vitale. Minus: No Erin Andrews. Will this be it for Erin until football season? I hope not. (As a blogger, I’m contractually obligated to have a crush on Erin Andrews. I figured I’d get that out of the way early.)
Alright, this is ridiculous. The sideline reporter I’m watching is Jason Caple. Yes, the Jason Caple who sucked continuously for UNC. Why don’t you brick another three you prick? At least Jeff is now coaching at Oklahoma. I think 1 vs. 16 matchups are closer than Andrews vs. Caple in sideline reporting.
This gets the Barney Show stamp of approval: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z58d25so0LU
I’m pissed I didn’t think of this. 10 for the idea, 7 for the execution. I would have liked to see Pacman worked in some more.
Joining the list of products I’d endorse, because I believe in them (joining Jack Daniels, Jameson, Guinness, Nike and Under Armor): Gatorade’s invigorating water. A sports beverage with caffeine in it? Just what I was looking for.
Has anyone ever figured out why McDonald’s stops serving breakfast at 10:30? Does anyone really want a burger at 10:45? This makes no sense to me.
I finally got around to seeing Hustle & Flow this weekend. Great movie. Plus, Anthony Anderson gave me my philosophy in life. I’m thinking of posting this next to my desk and telling my co-workers to go fuck themselves:
“There are two types of people, those that talk the talk, and those that walk the walk. People that walk the walk, they sometimes talk the talk. But most of the time they don’t talk it ‘cause they walk it. Now people who talk the talk, when it comes time for them to walk, you wanna know what they do? They talk people like me into walking for them.”
A white collar worker finding his motto in a movie about a Southern pimp trying to get a rap deal? Yep, I’m as surprised as you. I’m actually thinking of e-mailing this to my dad Monday morning. He’ll appreciate it.
You wanna know who can’t schedule anything? This guy. I’m flying to Texas Thursday night. I did not realize that this was the first day of the Tournament when I booked it. So the night games on Thursday are a wash for me. And this afternoon, I just realized I booked myself for the NFL Draft. Fuck. Granted, it is to do an all day drinkathon, starting at 9 am, but still. I’m embarrassed for myself.
I’ll go into the Tournament some more later this week, but when they revealed the USC-Kansas State matchup, I was visibly excited. In the words of Nasty Nate, “How about this matchup?”
Fuck, I just realized Billy Packer will be heavily involved in the next three weeks of my life.
And the official player of the Barney Show, Eric Maynor from VCU, is out. My endorsement can do that to you. And on that note, I’ll end this weekend.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Starbucks Quote # 2
If you recall back in August, we did a thing that was supposed to be recurring in which I discussed the quotes on the back of Starbucks cups. Despite having a cup on my desk every day since then, I have not done it again. Until now (drum roll please). Here’s Starbucks Quote # 2.
“Anger is contagious.”
- Sandra Cisneros, Award winning author of Caramelo, The House on Mango Street and Loose Woman
One of the Loose Woman’s lovers had this response to Sandra. “You know what’s more contagious than anger? Herpes, you stupid bitch.”
And this concludes another Starbucks Quote.
“Anger is contagious.”
- Sandra Cisneros, Award winning author of Caramelo, The House on Mango Street and Loose Woman
One of the Loose Woman’s lovers had this response to Sandra. “You know what’s more contagious than anger? Herpes, you stupid bitch.”
And this concludes another Starbucks Quote.
Fun with nbadraft.net
Since the last thing I want to do is start having people expect actual emotion from this blog, we’re going to lighten the mood today with something I like to call Fun with nbadraft.net. nbadraft.net is my favorite website to check out with regards to the most fun night of the year that doesn’t involve alcohol. It has a mock draft for the next year 2 days after that years draft is done. In fact, right now, it has a 2009 mock draft up (Blake Griffin from Oklahoma is the projected # 1. It’s great if you can remember who they had the year before and see how they fell. Like how OJ Mayo’s is now.). My favorite part is the comparison, how they compare a potential player to a current or former player. So we’re going to run through the site and make comments. No rhyme or reason to anything here.
The best comparison I’ve found so far is for Taj Gibson from USC. He apparently compares favorably with Vin Baker. Is is because he like gin? Vodka? This isn’t mentioned in his weaknesses.
They have UConn center Hasheem Thabeet going to the Nets. Please make this happen. Just because it seems like their owner would name check him constantly.
Haha, the French guy they have in the top 10 is compared to Rudy Gay. That seem apropos. More fun with stereotypes? Sure, why not. The Italian guy looks like he’s an extra for Growing Up Gotti. Though his hair isn’t nearly as good as the man they’re comparing him to: Detlef Shrempf.
And they have this right: the Knicks taking a center. Sure why not? He’ll fit right in with Curry and Randolph.
Alright, Brook Lopez in the top 3. Did anyone read the article about him in Sports Illustrated? The guy’s idol is Walt Disney and his favorite entertainer is Michael Jackson. I don’t care if he was the second coming of Jordan, I would not pick him for those reasons alone.
Noticeably missing from Lester Hudson’s weaknesses is that he’s dumber than a sack of wrenches. I think he failed out of middle school.
Serge Ibaka is so under the radar from the Congo, they have a picture of him in a Yankees fitted. Apparently they don’t take team photos in Spain. And his comparison is Shawn Kemp. I’ve already decided that I’m not going to bed on draft night until this guy gets selected. You don’t find 6-10 black guys named Serge growing on trees.
Alright, that’s it for now. Once they start updating the mock drafts, this could become a recurring episode.
The best comparison I’ve found so far is for Taj Gibson from USC. He apparently compares favorably with Vin Baker. Is is because he like gin? Vodka? This isn’t mentioned in his weaknesses.
They have UConn center Hasheem Thabeet going to the Nets. Please make this happen. Just because it seems like their owner would name check him constantly.
Haha, the French guy they have in the top 10 is compared to Rudy Gay. That seem apropos. More fun with stereotypes? Sure, why not. The Italian guy looks like he’s an extra for Growing Up Gotti. Though his hair isn’t nearly as good as the man they’re comparing him to: Detlef Shrempf.
And they have this right: the Knicks taking a center. Sure why not? He’ll fit right in with Curry and Randolph.
Alright, Brook Lopez in the top 3. Did anyone read the article about him in Sports Illustrated? The guy’s idol is Walt Disney and his favorite entertainer is Michael Jackson. I don’t care if he was the second coming of Jordan, I would not pick him for those reasons alone.
Noticeably missing from Lester Hudson’s weaknesses is that he’s dumber than a sack of wrenches. I think he failed out of middle school.
Serge Ibaka is so under the radar from the Congo, they have a picture of him in a Yankees fitted. Apparently they don’t take team photos in Spain. And his comparison is Shawn Kemp. I’ve already decided that I’m not going to bed on draft night until this guy gets selected. You don’t find 6-10 black guys named Serge growing on trees.
Alright, that’s it for now. Once they start updating the mock drafts, this could become a recurring episode.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
West End 'til I Die...
...that's just how I get down. Just to wrap up a loose end here on the Barney Show, we’re just going to say that Duke Girl has been removed as a recurring character here (and this isn’t bitter because I gave a shit about her. It’s bitter for other reasons entirely, as you’ll find out. I’m using her to take out a lot of frustration.). Anytime you have me singing Biz Markie’s classic, “Just a Friend,” I can see this isn’t going anywhere. I would hold out to smash, but its tournament time. I can’t risk jinxing my picks. Money over bitches, stick to the script, ya’ heard. Anyway, based on this and other findings this week we’re going to draw some lessons learned. Most notably, an exclusive university education doesn’t mean shit.
First example, is Duke, of course. I wasn’t going to single out DG as generality of an entire school, but meeting some of her friends, let’s go there. To me, that education doesn’t mean shit. I have more intelligence in my left nut than half of her friends. The rest of them, I might have to use my full brain. Keep in mind that it’s a multiple time concussed, alcohol abused brain. I’d think an education from such a prestigious institution as Duke would allow you to speak audible sentences. I was wrong. Yes, that degree in foreign policy does wonders in the real world. Ever done a spreadsheet with lookup functions? No? Than what the fuck good are you if you can tell me the themes of Henry David Thoreau’s poems? That doesn’t make money.
Second example of an education not meaning shit is Eliot Spitzer, former governor of New York. Really, homey? Prostitution? Across state lines? How dumb do are you that as a former prosecutor, you didn’t know to never take a crime across state lines? That’s when the Feds get involved and how they bring the wrath of God on your ass. I learned that in 11th grade American History from a public school. The Constitution gives the federal government the power to regulate interstate commerce. Do I think it’s been overused? Yes, but that’s another story. Do not cross state lines with any forms of illicit activity. It’s that simple. But did they teach you that at Princeton or Harvard? I doubt it. You probably got a hell of an education in philosophy though. (So you’re telling me, my three credits for Thermodynamics was tougher than your three credits for World Literature? You’re kidding me. And my 20 credits a semester was tougher than your 15? But because you have a degree from an institution that gives a shit about its ranking in US & World News, so that makes you better than me. Okay. If you say so.)
The second thing we learned from this is, “How do you get an Ivy League education?” Is it talent? No, of course not. It’s money stupid. How do I know this? Because half her Duke friends work for non-profit organizations. And how do they afford to live in a major metropolitan area on the bullshit salary they pay you at a non-profit? Mommy and Daddy, that’s who. Also, Spitzer was the governor of the third largest state in the country, yet his apartment in Manhattan was paid for by his dad. Thirdly, they work for a non-profit in the ghetto and are afraid to stay late because of things that might happen to them. Let’s just say I’m pretty sure they haven’t dropped 26 points in a high school gym, then gotten on the bus and seen people lined up on multiple cop cars, all being arrested for gun possession.
The final thing we learned is that my parents should be proud. The sons of a bartender and a waitress can go into any Ivy League bar and talk to anyone. In fact, we’ll just unleash J-Man and he’ll do a Will Hunting on some long haired prick. If we want to make it real interesting, I can discuss management policies in the real world. And I know my American history up and down. You want to discuss sports? Ok Dukies. You won the NCAAs in 2001 because the refs refused to call a third foul in the first half on Jay Williams when he literally went over the top of either Jason Terry or Arenas, you won in 1992 because Rick Pitino failed to guard the inbound passer, and you won in 1991 because UNLV was too tired from banging Vegas strippers in hot tubs. Oh, I forgot, you Ivies are worldly educated. Then I’ll give you my brother who has a learning disability, Crazy Matt. He’ll pick you apart piece by piece on foreign stuff. Piece by fucking piece. As long as it’s about wars (he can go back about 1500 years). And he has a sleep disorder. What’s your excuse for not knowing this stuff? Do they teach you that stuff in Ivies or do you think all wars are America’s fault? Because if you want to go that route, Chubb fucking Rock will take you out back and show you why you have your freedom (not that he's dumber that Ivy League pricks. He just has a thing called honor that none of you could understand). Either way, we’re walking out of your bar in better shape than you are. How do you like them apples?
And you know what? I can’t wait to manage these fucks. Because I won’t do a story with BusinessWeek, Forbes, Fortune, any of those unless, everyone I’m down with is posing for the story in suits, fedoras and a black and white picture No Way Out style. And the opening line of the story is:
“The sun don’t shine forever
‘Cause as long as it’s here then we might as well shine together
Better now then never
Business before pleasure
P Diddy and the Fam who you know do it better?”
They can also take a picture of me at my desk with this motto engraved behind me: “I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.” Maybe this was a vent session. Maybe this was a rant. But it was the truth, so fuck you if you disagree.
(Am I tired of getting college grads from prestigious institutions work for me who know shit and are lazy? Yes. Was this written after a shitty day of work? Yes. Did I have two double Jack on the rocks at happy hour before writing this episode on the train? Yes. Do I think this is causing me to write about feelings I don’t have? No. This might be the favorite episode I’ve ever written. Me and my brothers, West End motherfuckers, born and raised. And K-Dog, this isn’t a knock on your education. You’re from Pine Box and you hustled the people I’m talking about here.)
First example, is Duke, of course. I wasn’t going to single out DG as generality of an entire school, but meeting some of her friends, let’s go there. To me, that education doesn’t mean shit. I have more intelligence in my left nut than half of her friends. The rest of them, I might have to use my full brain. Keep in mind that it’s a multiple time concussed, alcohol abused brain. I’d think an education from such a prestigious institution as Duke would allow you to speak audible sentences. I was wrong. Yes, that degree in foreign policy does wonders in the real world. Ever done a spreadsheet with lookup functions? No? Than what the fuck good are you if you can tell me the themes of Henry David Thoreau’s poems? That doesn’t make money.
Second example of an education not meaning shit is Eliot Spitzer, former governor of New York. Really, homey? Prostitution? Across state lines? How dumb do are you that as a former prosecutor, you didn’t know to never take a crime across state lines? That’s when the Feds get involved and how they bring the wrath of God on your ass. I learned that in 11th grade American History from a public school. The Constitution gives the federal government the power to regulate interstate commerce. Do I think it’s been overused? Yes, but that’s another story. Do not cross state lines with any forms of illicit activity. It’s that simple. But did they teach you that at Princeton or Harvard? I doubt it. You probably got a hell of an education in philosophy though. (So you’re telling me, my three credits for Thermodynamics was tougher than your three credits for World Literature? You’re kidding me. And my 20 credits a semester was tougher than your 15? But because you have a degree from an institution that gives a shit about its ranking in US & World News, so that makes you better than me. Okay. If you say so.)
The second thing we learned from this is, “How do you get an Ivy League education?” Is it talent? No, of course not. It’s money stupid. How do I know this? Because half her Duke friends work for non-profit organizations. And how do they afford to live in a major metropolitan area on the bullshit salary they pay you at a non-profit? Mommy and Daddy, that’s who. Also, Spitzer was the governor of the third largest state in the country, yet his apartment in Manhattan was paid for by his dad. Thirdly, they work for a non-profit in the ghetto and are afraid to stay late because of things that might happen to them. Let’s just say I’m pretty sure they haven’t dropped 26 points in a high school gym, then gotten on the bus and seen people lined up on multiple cop cars, all being arrested for gun possession.
The final thing we learned is that my parents should be proud. The sons of a bartender and a waitress can go into any Ivy League bar and talk to anyone. In fact, we’ll just unleash J-Man and he’ll do a Will Hunting on some long haired prick. If we want to make it real interesting, I can discuss management policies in the real world. And I know my American history up and down. You want to discuss sports? Ok Dukies. You won the NCAAs in 2001 because the refs refused to call a third foul in the first half on Jay Williams when he literally went over the top of either Jason Terry or Arenas, you won in 1992 because Rick Pitino failed to guard the inbound passer, and you won in 1991 because UNLV was too tired from banging Vegas strippers in hot tubs. Oh, I forgot, you Ivies are worldly educated. Then I’ll give you my brother who has a learning disability, Crazy Matt. He’ll pick you apart piece by piece on foreign stuff. Piece by fucking piece. As long as it’s about wars (he can go back about 1500 years). And he has a sleep disorder. What’s your excuse for not knowing this stuff? Do they teach you that stuff in Ivies or do you think all wars are America’s fault? Because if you want to go that route, Chubb fucking Rock will take you out back and show you why you have your freedom (not that he's dumber that Ivy League pricks. He just has a thing called honor that none of you could understand). Either way, we’re walking out of your bar in better shape than you are. How do you like them apples?
And you know what? I can’t wait to manage these fucks. Because I won’t do a story with BusinessWeek, Forbes, Fortune, any of those unless, everyone I’m down with is posing for the story in suits, fedoras and a black and white picture No Way Out style. And the opening line of the story is:
“The sun don’t shine forever
‘Cause as long as it’s here then we might as well shine together
Better now then never
Business before pleasure
P Diddy and the Fam who you know do it better?”
They can also take a picture of me at my desk with this motto engraved behind me: “I don’t want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.” Maybe this was a vent session. Maybe this was a rant. But it was the truth, so fuck you if you disagree.
(Am I tired of getting college grads from prestigious institutions work for me who know shit and are lazy? Yes. Was this written after a shitty day of work? Yes. Did I have two double Jack on the rocks at happy hour before writing this episode on the train? Yes. Do I think this is causing me to write about feelings I don’t have? No. This might be the favorite episode I’ve ever written. Me and my brothers, West End motherfuckers, born and raised. And K-Dog, this isn’t a knock on your education. You’re from Pine Box and you hustled the people I’m talking about here.)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Weekend Musings
Once again, technical issues prevented me from giving you the loyal reader what you wanted this weekend. Ok, maybe if you count technical issues as “I left my laptop in the office because I was going out drinking and didn’t want to lose it and didn’t get out of bed the rest of the weekend to go pick it up,” then that statement would be correct. Fortunately, it does mean that there was drunk Barney debauchery so it might be worth it.
Friday night started off with a happy hour for Duke Girl’s birthday. I was supposed to be off on Friday, but I had to go by the office at around 4 to finish something because my manager had to leave early because her mom passed a kidney stone (I’m not making that up. That was her reason.) So pissed off that I had to go in, I decided to start drinking while at work. So before we even got to the bar, I had a little buzz going. I also decided not to eat anything. Not the best idea I’ve ever had. Also, I had decided that I wasn’t going to put anything more than the bare minimum effort to get some because she was probably going to be too drunk, so this led to her trying to talk to me while they interviewed Run DMC about his “character” and him being on the cover of NCAA Football 2009. Let’s just say I wasn’t looking at her very much during this time.
Around 7 we decided to do shots. Me being the gentlemen, I offered a round of Henny. My experience so far is that white people are legitimately scared of Henny (I have to increase my cracker hating if I want to keep up with Brock’s blog.). I tried to be calm and use logic such as, “It’s 80 proof just like every other hard liquor.” When that didn’t work, I turned to Filthy O, who introduced me to the brown liquor that I love so much. He must have had experience such as this. How would he react? His response is the early candidate for best text of the year: “Hahaha it wasn’t meant 4 crack consumption kid only niggas n drunk irish folk like you man” I couldn’t have said it better myself (for the record, the 2007 winner for best text in case you were wondering (and judging by attendance, you haven’t)was J-Man’s “Just because I answered my door almost naked because I was too hung over to find my pants, and I received a box full of booze doesn’t mean I’m not classy.”) We finally decided on Jager shots which meant black out Barney wasn’t too far away. I played my cards right and yes, DG did get too drunk. So that meant me and LA ditched that party and went to another bar. This one was notable in that it had a bathroom attendant in a white suit. LA hit on him, not knowing what his job was (she apparently likes classy men) and I called him Lebron (unfortunately, jokes about 2004 NBA Draft attire do not get caught very often. This was not one that anyone else got).
Saturday was Stan Man’s birthday. When I got the e-mail a couple weeks ago, I think my liver recoiled upon hearing that there would be a bar crawl. I still hadn’t sobered up from Friday night, so this had disaster written all over it. We started at a pool hall. We left just in time because apparently this was a Duke bar. I walked out of the place giving the middle finger to nearly the entire place. It was just 9 at this point. At the next bar, I started having the fiscal responsibility of a rap star. I was put in charge of watching some girls drinks. Given this simple task, I was unable to complete it, as I turned my head, the bartender took the drinks and dumped them. Feeling bad, I bought them all another round (goodbye $25). The next bar was smart and wouldn’t even allow me in. I stumbled a bit walking up the stairs, and the bouncer did his best Amy Winehouse impression and said, “No, no, no” to my ass getting in that bar. I probably should have realized this was time to slow down, but they don’t call me Barney for nothing. I simply went to the bar next door and ordered a round of tequila shots and beers. Except only one person followed me. So I had 6 drinks, only one other person to drink with and to make matters worse, everyone else was going to another bar. So it was either ditch those beers and just do the shot quickly or get lost. I think I made the right decision ($45 wasted). I also made the wise choice to drop my $20 on the floor. The bar was really dark, it was dropped in between the chairs of two women. I made a half assed effort to find it, but not being able to see anything made this difficult. I didn’t think getting on my knees was the best idea considering I had just been denied entrance at my previous stop, so I just considered it lost. (So in total, I’ve wasted $90. And that’s just what I remember. I’m afraid to look at my bank statement/credit card bill).
We brought the crawl home with one final stop. This one let me in, but wouldn’t serve me anything but water. Yet they continued to serve Stan Man who we had to prop up so he could stand. Pretty soon after that I decided that this bar didn’t deserve my business and walked out. Nothing like being the drunk guy who thinks he’s too good for everyone. Anyway, I ended up sleeping in my own bed, which was some sort of accomplishment because I had been told I was probably passing out in public again.
I think that’s it my liver’s Batan death march this weekend. I’d like to thank my brother for pointing out the Sports Guy pretty much echoed my sentiments about the Pacers in his NBA blog. He took it a step further and reminded me that he gets paid a lot of money to do the same thing I did for free. Thanks douchebag.
Friday night started off with a happy hour for Duke Girl’s birthday. I was supposed to be off on Friday, but I had to go by the office at around 4 to finish something because my manager had to leave early because her mom passed a kidney stone (I’m not making that up. That was her reason.) So pissed off that I had to go in, I decided to start drinking while at work. So before we even got to the bar, I had a little buzz going. I also decided not to eat anything. Not the best idea I’ve ever had. Also, I had decided that I wasn’t going to put anything more than the bare minimum effort to get some because she was probably going to be too drunk, so this led to her trying to talk to me while they interviewed Run DMC about his “character” and him being on the cover of NCAA Football 2009. Let’s just say I wasn’t looking at her very much during this time.
Around 7 we decided to do shots. Me being the gentlemen, I offered a round of Henny. My experience so far is that white people are legitimately scared of Henny (I have to increase my cracker hating if I want to keep up with Brock’s blog.). I tried to be calm and use logic such as, “It’s 80 proof just like every other hard liquor.” When that didn’t work, I turned to Filthy O, who introduced me to the brown liquor that I love so much. He must have had experience such as this. How would he react? His response is the early candidate for best text of the year: “Hahaha it wasn’t meant 4 crack consumption kid only niggas n drunk irish folk like you man” I couldn’t have said it better myself (for the record, the 2007 winner for best text in case you were wondering (and judging by attendance, you haven’t)was J-Man’s “Just because I answered my door almost naked because I was too hung over to find my pants, and I received a box full of booze doesn’t mean I’m not classy.”) We finally decided on Jager shots which meant black out Barney wasn’t too far away. I played my cards right and yes, DG did get too drunk. So that meant me and LA ditched that party and went to another bar. This one was notable in that it had a bathroom attendant in a white suit. LA hit on him, not knowing what his job was (she apparently likes classy men) and I called him Lebron (unfortunately, jokes about 2004 NBA Draft attire do not get caught very often. This was not one that anyone else got).
Saturday was Stan Man’s birthday. When I got the e-mail a couple weeks ago, I think my liver recoiled upon hearing that there would be a bar crawl. I still hadn’t sobered up from Friday night, so this had disaster written all over it. We started at a pool hall. We left just in time because apparently this was a Duke bar. I walked out of the place giving the middle finger to nearly the entire place. It was just 9 at this point. At the next bar, I started having the fiscal responsibility of a rap star. I was put in charge of watching some girls drinks. Given this simple task, I was unable to complete it, as I turned my head, the bartender took the drinks and dumped them. Feeling bad, I bought them all another round (goodbye $25). The next bar was smart and wouldn’t even allow me in. I stumbled a bit walking up the stairs, and the bouncer did his best Amy Winehouse impression and said, “No, no, no” to my ass getting in that bar. I probably should have realized this was time to slow down, but they don’t call me Barney for nothing. I simply went to the bar next door and ordered a round of tequila shots and beers. Except only one person followed me. So I had 6 drinks, only one other person to drink with and to make matters worse, everyone else was going to another bar. So it was either ditch those beers and just do the shot quickly or get lost. I think I made the right decision ($45 wasted). I also made the wise choice to drop my $20 on the floor. The bar was really dark, it was dropped in between the chairs of two women. I made a half assed effort to find it, but not being able to see anything made this difficult. I didn’t think getting on my knees was the best idea considering I had just been denied entrance at my previous stop, so I just considered it lost. (So in total, I’ve wasted $90. And that’s just what I remember. I’m afraid to look at my bank statement/credit card bill).
We brought the crawl home with one final stop. This one let me in, but wouldn’t serve me anything but water. Yet they continued to serve Stan Man who we had to prop up so he could stand. Pretty soon after that I decided that this bar didn’t deserve my business and walked out. Nothing like being the drunk guy who thinks he’s too good for everyone. Anyway, I ended up sleeping in my own bed, which was some sort of accomplishment because I had been told I was probably passing out in public again.
I think that’s it my liver’s Batan death march this weekend. I’d like to thank my brother for pointing out the Sports Guy pretty much echoed my sentiments about the Pacers in his NBA blog. He took it a step further and reminded me that he gets paid a lot of money to do the same thing I did for free. Thanks douchebag.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Top 7
We’re going to start something new here on The Barney Show. Actually, it’s more like returning to something that was on the original Barney Show from the back of the bus. Top 7. Every live episode had a Top 7. For a better explanation, check out my second episode ever back in June 2007 (Welcome to the Barney Show).
This Top 7 will focus on one of the best albums I’ve heard in awhile. Joe Budden’s Mood Muzik 3 is straight fire. In fact, it might be the best album I’ve heard since his Mood Muzik 2. Joe is my favorite rapper out right now lyrically. Maybe it’s because he talks about real shit. Maybe how he rips every song lyrically and has some of the best metaphors out there. Maybe it’s because he makes more sports references than any other rapper. He has to watch SportsCenter daily for some of these references. In fact, that’s this Top 7. The Top 7 Mood Muzik 3 Sports Lyrics:
7. “How y’all feel y’allselves, y’all should kill y’allselves, us Cowboys don’t need you, you Bill Parcells.”
I like the NFL coaching change reference.
6. “Eye of a tiger, nah, a sniper with great aim, I won’t be another great flame, that takes blame, in great pain, Ask Eddie Griffin, you gonna lose everytime you go against a freight train.”
Wow. How many rappers talk about the death of a average front court player? (OK, Malik Sealy got name checked on Stillmatic. That’s why they pay me the big bucks. For facts like that.) This would be higher up, if I hadn’t cringed the first time I heard this. It requires a “Too soon?” comment everytime.
5. “Cause you ain’t crazy stop it, even if you wild like Randy Moss, start feeling Patriotic, how I’m a lose with Tom Brady in the pocket, beg a dude to come back like the Yankees did to Rocket.”
This is what I would do. In a song about a girl trying to pursue Joe, he makes three references to sports. I wonder if he stops during sex while watching the All Star game?
4. “These felons ain’t predicates, sand castle delicate, metal spit, leave ‘em on the field like Everett.”
Another cringer, but timely. This is acceptable since Kevin Everett is walking now.
3. “I tell a bird like it is, you promised the broad, I one line ‘em, you Isiah Thomas the broad.”
Isiah sexual harassment lines will always get good reviews in The Barney Show.
2. “I guess what I’m tryna say, is niggas ‘ill die running like Ryan Shay.”
Wait, did he just make a reference to a marathoner? That has to be the first time a rapper has ever done that. That’s why it’s number 2.
1. “I’m not a drug lord, nobody hand me keys, gotta drop a few branches off my family tree, guess I raised my sons all wrong, I’m Andy Reid.”
This line is hilarious, I don’t care what you say. I laughed my ass off the first time I heard it. I still giggle when I hear it now.
So there you have it, the Top 7 Sports Lyrics on Mood Muzik 3. Now go cop that album, since he’s not going to have an actual release anytime soon. Jay, you fucked up by letting him leave Def Jam.
This Top 7 will focus on one of the best albums I’ve heard in awhile. Joe Budden’s Mood Muzik 3 is straight fire. In fact, it might be the best album I’ve heard since his Mood Muzik 2. Joe is my favorite rapper out right now lyrically. Maybe it’s because he talks about real shit. Maybe how he rips every song lyrically and has some of the best metaphors out there. Maybe it’s because he makes more sports references than any other rapper. He has to watch SportsCenter daily for some of these references. In fact, that’s this Top 7. The Top 7 Mood Muzik 3 Sports Lyrics:
7. “How y’all feel y’allselves, y’all should kill y’allselves, us Cowboys don’t need you, you Bill Parcells.”
I like the NFL coaching change reference.
6. “Eye of a tiger, nah, a sniper with great aim, I won’t be another great flame, that takes blame, in great pain, Ask Eddie Griffin, you gonna lose everytime you go against a freight train.”
Wow. How many rappers talk about the death of a average front court player? (OK, Malik Sealy got name checked on Stillmatic. That’s why they pay me the big bucks. For facts like that.) This would be higher up, if I hadn’t cringed the first time I heard this. It requires a “Too soon?” comment everytime.
5. “Cause you ain’t crazy stop it, even if you wild like Randy Moss, start feeling Patriotic, how I’m a lose with Tom Brady in the pocket, beg a dude to come back like the Yankees did to Rocket.”
This is what I would do. In a song about a girl trying to pursue Joe, he makes three references to sports. I wonder if he stops during sex while watching the All Star game?
4. “These felons ain’t predicates, sand castle delicate, metal spit, leave ‘em on the field like Everett.”
Another cringer, but timely. This is acceptable since Kevin Everett is walking now.
3. “I tell a bird like it is, you promised the broad, I one line ‘em, you Isiah Thomas the broad.”
Isiah sexual harassment lines will always get good reviews in The Barney Show.
2. “I guess what I’m tryna say, is niggas ‘ill die running like Ryan Shay.”
Wait, did he just make a reference to a marathoner? That has to be the first time a rapper has ever done that. That’s why it’s number 2.
1. “I’m not a drug lord, nobody hand me keys, gotta drop a few branches off my family tree, guess I raised my sons all wrong, I’m Andy Reid.”
This line is hilarious, I don’t care what you say. I laughed my ass off the first time I heard it. I still giggle when I hear it now.
So there you have it, the Top 7 Sports Lyrics on Mood Muzik 3. Now go cop that album, since he’s not going to have an actual release anytime soon. Jay, you fucked up by letting him leave Def Jam.
Shameless Plug
If any of you are interested in a blog that's less alcoholic, less grammatical and has more jokes about white people, please check out Brock's new blog:
http://mrmorningstar.blogspot.com/
That is all for this Shameless Plug.
http://mrmorningstar.blogspot.com/
That is all for this Shameless Plug.
The Pacers? Really, an Episode about the Pacers?
Yes, this will mostly about the Pacers. It's time to do an update to the Barney standings in the NBA. Specifically, two major improvements to two teams in the Central. We’ll start with the team that went out and made a major trade to improve the Barnyness (Is that even a word? I’m guessing no) of their team: the Cavs.
Most people focused on Ben Wallace in this trade (You do have the potential for siblings brawling in the stands. I’ll give you that). I focused on Delonte West. The boy is gully. He immediately scored points for the Cavs before he even stepped on the floor. Him in the suite with Wally Sczwrbrsziakawak… was priceless because he was wearing a pretty nice suit…with a neck tat sticking out. Since then I’ve found out that he has another tat that says “G Code”. I also seem to remember him saying that he takes all his dates to Popeye’s chicken. Get the boy a record deal ASAP. He has keeping it real down pat. And you know what that means…there will be a ‘When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong’ part in his career.
Alright, now onto the team that has improved internally, but I’m really not sure how much they’ve gone up in the Barney Standings. The Pacers were in the middle of the pack in the East based on Jamal Tinsley alone. Within the past two weeks, someone was accused of rape at Marquis Daniels house and someone was arrested for murder while driving Shawne Williams’ car. Both players have been exonerated of all charges, but still. Rape and murder? That’s taking it a little too far. And this is coming from someone who’s made numerous dog fighting jokes. I haven’t decided if this helps or hurts them. I guess it depends on if I can start picturing their locker room with entourages filled with thugs meeting up with Mike Dunleavy Jr. after the game and giving him a pound.
And how about the Pacers falling off so quickly? I think we’re 10 years away from the first book about how the Palace Brawl jinxed the franchise (you heard it here first folks). People forget, but the reason that brawl started in the first place was Ben Wallace was frustrated that the Pacers were thumping them at home. And the Pistons went to Game 7 of the finals that year. Indiana was clearly the best team in the East up until that point. Since then, Ron Ron was traded, Stephen Jackson has shot up a strip club and found redemption is Oakland, Jermaine O’Neal has fallen off the face of the earth, Jamal Tinsley has been shot at and these two recent incidents. Hell, Scott Pollard even got in the act when he told a TV camera, “Do drugs, kids.” They’ve basically become the new Trailblazers without the moronic parts. In fact, that gives me an idea. I’ll do some research, and we’re doing a tale of the tape of them versus the Jail Blazers. Thanks Brain. You’re still productive sometimes.
Most people focused on Ben Wallace in this trade (You do have the potential for siblings brawling in the stands. I’ll give you that). I focused on Delonte West. The boy is gully. He immediately scored points for the Cavs before he even stepped on the floor. Him in the suite with Wally Sczwrbrsziakawak… was priceless because he was wearing a pretty nice suit…with a neck tat sticking out. Since then I’ve found out that he has another tat that says “G Code”. I also seem to remember him saying that he takes all his dates to Popeye’s chicken. Get the boy a record deal ASAP. He has keeping it real down pat. And you know what that means…there will be a ‘When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong’ part in his career.
Alright, now onto the team that has improved internally, but I’m really not sure how much they’ve gone up in the Barney Standings. The Pacers were in the middle of the pack in the East based on Jamal Tinsley alone. Within the past two weeks, someone was accused of rape at Marquis Daniels house and someone was arrested for murder while driving Shawne Williams’ car. Both players have been exonerated of all charges, but still. Rape and murder? That’s taking it a little too far. And this is coming from someone who’s made numerous dog fighting jokes. I haven’t decided if this helps or hurts them. I guess it depends on if I can start picturing their locker room with entourages filled with thugs meeting up with Mike Dunleavy Jr. after the game and giving him a pound.
And how about the Pacers falling off so quickly? I think we’re 10 years away from the first book about how the Palace Brawl jinxed the franchise (you heard it here first folks). People forget, but the reason that brawl started in the first place was Ben Wallace was frustrated that the Pacers were thumping them at home. And the Pistons went to Game 7 of the finals that year. Indiana was clearly the best team in the East up until that point. Since then, Ron Ron was traded, Stephen Jackson has shot up a strip club and found redemption is Oakland, Jermaine O’Neal has fallen off the face of the earth, Jamal Tinsley has been shot at and these two recent incidents. Hell, Scott Pollard even got in the act when he told a TV camera, “Do drugs, kids.” They’ve basically become the new Trailblazers without the moronic parts. In fact, that gives me an idea. I’ll do some research, and we’re doing a tale of the tape of them versus the Jail Blazers. Thanks Brain. You’re still productive sometimes.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Semi Pro
It’s Barney coming right back at ya. It’s been awhile. I had a few things planned for this weekend and then my laptop’s power cord decided to get cut, Chad’s dad style. It was definitely bleeeeeding. I realized it wasn’t working when I was at 30% power, so I wasn’t cranking out an episode in that little amount of time (I know you think I write this with little to no review, but its hard work. I’m just not very good with the written word. Or the spoken word for that matter. Yet I digress). So instead of two episodes this weekend and a third today (I know you were titillated with anticipation), you unlucky SOB is just getting the third one. My review of Semi-Pro.
All three of my faithful readers might have noticed a reference to Will Ferrell every once in awhile (like every other episode). So when I saw a few months ago that he was making a movie about the ABA, I was excited. Even though it got mixed reviews, I was not deterred.
My review is basically this: it’s like every other Will Ferrell movie. Except there’s basketball involved. So I’m going to enjoy this no matter what. If I had to rank them amongst his movies, I’d say it was the worst (I didn’t see Blades of Glory though. Something about men figure skating make me uncomfortable), but it’s not bad by any stretch. It’s just that you’re comparing it to Old School, Anchorman and Ricky Bobby, three of the funniest movies ever made. So it’s basically a good way to lose yourself for an hour and a half (or in my case, an hour and a half more that you’re sober during the day).
Will did his thing. In my opinion, it was lacking anyone else to bring the funny. There was no Vince Vaughn, Steve Carrell or John C. Reilly to take some of the pressure of him. Some of the best moments of those movies were not him. Woody Harrelson was funnier in White Men Can’t Jump. Andre 3000 brought nothing. Anyway, it’s not a classic, but it’s definitely worth checking out if you’re a Ferrell fan. There are a few good quotes you’ll be able to work into your every day conversations that will make people look at you funny. Just with Semi-Pro quotes, it’ll be more than usual. (Sorry, that review was not thorough at all. This is one of those mail-in episodes. I’ll make it up to you, I promise all three readers).
All three of my faithful readers might have noticed a reference to Will Ferrell every once in awhile (like every other episode). So when I saw a few months ago that he was making a movie about the ABA, I was excited. Even though it got mixed reviews, I was not deterred.
My review is basically this: it’s like every other Will Ferrell movie. Except there’s basketball involved. So I’m going to enjoy this no matter what. If I had to rank them amongst his movies, I’d say it was the worst (I didn’t see Blades of Glory though. Something about men figure skating make me uncomfortable), but it’s not bad by any stretch. It’s just that you’re comparing it to Old School, Anchorman and Ricky Bobby, three of the funniest movies ever made. So it’s basically a good way to lose yourself for an hour and a half (or in my case, an hour and a half more that you’re sober during the day).
Will did his thing. In my opinion, it was lacking anyone else to bring the funny. There was no Vince Vaughn, Steve Carrell or John C. Reilly to take some of the pressure of him. Some of the best moments of those movies were not him. Woody Harrelson was funnier in White Men Can’t Jump. Andre 3000 brought nothing. Anyway, it’s not a classic, but it’s definitely worth checking out if you’re a Ferrell fan. There are a few good quotes you’ll be able to work into your every day conversations that will make people look at you funny. Just with Semi-Pro quotes, it’ll be more than usual. (Sorry, that review was not thorough at all. This is one of those mail-in episodes. I’ll make it up to you, I promise all three readers).
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