Weekend Musings

Since there’s no more football for me to pontificate about, we’ll go back to Weekend Musings here on The Barney Show. In this weekend’s episode, Barney gets extremely drunk on a Friday night (I know this seems like a plot twist, but hang with me). Anyway, I went to a bar on Friday after work that was having an 80s/early 90s cover band. This seemed like an acceptable way to pass the time considering I spent Friday listening to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time” five times at work (In fact, I just put it on again because it’s such a great song. There’s the synth kicking in. And now we’re hearing how much of a slore Eddie’s girl was. Good times). 80s/90s cover bands = fun, no homo (I had to include a Dip Set reference to keep my street cred). Say what you want, but being drunk as hell and singing “Living on a Prayer” is fun as hell, provided no photos are taken and girls are present. Anyway, this was just the opening act of the night.
Normally, I don’t like to kiss and tell about my romantic life in this blog (mostly because I’m really not getting much so there isn’t much to write about, but that’s just semantics). But if I hook up with someone I never thought I would, I think that gets part of an episode. That’s right, I hooked up with a girl who attended Duke. Loyal Barney Show readers know the antipathy I have towards the Blue Devils. Don’t worry, I didn’t sell out. I made ample JJ Reddick jokes (“He’s really doing well down in Orlando, huh?”). I even went on a 2 minute rant about their performance in the last 4 minutes of the 2004 Final Four which cost me $500 (I’m pretty sure she was topless when this happened. I was fine with her putting her shirt back on and telling me to get the fuck out. But I wasn’t going through the night without her knowing my true feelings. What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously? I have to be in contention for world’s biggest jackass.). So now I have to figure out if this is going to be a deal breaker (my guess is this will end badly. Like me calling Greg Paulus a fuck and challenging her to a fight.)
It’s not all bad though. I did find out some stuff about my favorite person, JJ. He was apparently a pot head his freshman year. He got his act together until after his senior year when he went back to smoking (and driving drunk). So there was that. Plus, I got confirmation that Lee Melchionni is an ass. His pick up line was apparently, “When are we going to have sex?” Classy. Keep focusing on turning out leaders Coach K. I’m looking forward to laughing at you during your AmEx commercials during the tournament.
This got me thinking (watch out, this could get dangerous). Remember in Casino, where Sam Rothstein knew everything about a game, crooked zebras, who knocked up his girlfriend, etc? Has this type of information made it onto the internet yet? Because it would be really good to know this stuff for recreational gambling purposes. My first reaction to finding about the weed was, “This would have been good information at the time I was ‘investing’ in certain college teams.” Imagine getting information that Player X was out late Friday night and he has a noon tip against a conference opponent. Or Player Y is having issues with his girlfriend. This could be a goldmine. I would start the website myself, but I would need to find college students willing to snitch. And you know what Carmelo Anthony says about snitching. So if anyone doesn’t take advice from NBA players from Baltimore with 20 tats, take that idea and run with it.

Alright, enough with that. Let’s talk about the other big story of the weekend, Dwight “Superman” Howard’s performance Saturday night. You know how good it was? Because of him, I can now listen to Soulja Boy and not want to smash my head against the wall. I now picture Dwight dancing in a club smashing into people. Kenny kept saying that the Superman and double tap dunks were in the top 5 all time. I care to disagree with Mr. Smith. Did you see his first one? His head was behind the backboard when he dunked it. I think I was more impressed that he avoided smashing his head into the backboard (that’s probably because it the one way I never had to worry about getting a concussion). I was also impressed by him getting the cheerleader involved considering he knocked one of them up, and thus providing ample jokes for me. Like shooting fish in a barrel.
Gerald Green took over Howard’s spot last year by getting screwed by the judges. His birthday dunk would have made the crowd go bananas if he hadn’t followed Howard. And it took me until this morning to realize how impressive his dunk with no shoes on was. Mostly because I slid on my bathroom floor.

As for the rest of the night, I enjoyed Magic saying, “Let’s agree to disagree” to Chuck when they were both agreeing that Green’s dunk should have gotten a higher score. Also, Rahsard McCants’ neck tat was entertaining. I couldn’t tell if YBG stands for “Young, Black, Ghetto” or “Young, Black, Gangta”. Either way, it’s tremendous. Is it a prison tat? Maybe he got it at UNC (ok, I’m done with obscure ACC references). And finally, I decided that if I ever got rich, after I made it rain Pacman Jones style and hiring Jimmy King to manage my investments, I’m then setting up a fund to ensure that Dikembe Mutumbo can attend all All-Star Saturday Nights for the remainder of his life. Sports Guy has mentioned it, but Dikembe’s presence alone makes the Dunk Contest at least 3 times more fun. They should have a camera on him at all times. You hear that Melchionni, that man knows how to proposition young coeds for sex. You should learn from the master. And on that note, I’m going to go start looking for a shrink because these last thousand words pretty much ensure I’m at least partly insane.