Shuffle the Shuffler

We’re back again with America’s new favorite game, Shuffle the Shuffler. If you don’t know by now, I take my old iPod that hasn’t been updated since 2005, put it on random and see where it takes me. Either hilarity or pointlessness ensues. You be the judge (it’s more democratic than the Democratic primaries. Thanks super delegates. And yes, I did just work a political joke in this. I’ll try and make the rest of this episode less highbrow. Excuse for trying to class this show up a bit).

Jay-Z, “1-900 Hustler” – Who ever came up with the concept for this song should get a medal or a trophy. Something. Because it’s brilliant. For those of you unfamiliar with this song, the premise is the Roc Boys work on a hotline for dope boys looking for advice. I think this was the first time I heard Freeway. I had the same reaction everyone else had: “That was kind of hot, but can I deal with that voice for an entire album?”
Jay and Bleek have some hot verses, but Beanie Sigel steals the show. I died when he put the guy on hold with elevator music. More fun was when I called someone in high school (I forget who) and this was the exchange:

Me: “It’s Barney”
X: “Who?”
Me: “Barney”
X: "What do you think this is? The get indicted hotline?”
Holla at Purdue.

Big Boi, “Ghetto Musick” – This was the official pregame song of 2005. In fact, it’s still good. After 2-3 drinks and the buzz is starting to hit, put this song on. I guarantee you will lose your mind. I can still see Floyd Banks banging the shit out of our table. If I was on anything stronger than alcohol, I might do really bad things.
Plus it doubles as the most manic depressive song ever. Let’s randomly put some Patti Labelle in there.
If I heard this while on a treadmill, I have to increase the speed by at least half a mile per hour.

2Pac, “Toss it Up” – This starts off as a raunchy sex song. This goes on for 3 minutes and 15 seconds. There’s even 2 minutes of some R&B. Then Pac decides enough of this, I need to obliterate Dr. Dre. He then proceeds to compare his sexuality to Alize. And that’s why I love this song.

Explosions in the Sky, “Your Hand in Mine” – Sports Guy name checked them a week or so ago, but yes, I had them on my iPod 4 years ago. Because it’s off the Friday Night Lights soundtrack, which is really good for listening when you have a long car ride.
Speaking of Friday Night Lights, you want to know how good it is? All time, it’s one of my top 5 favorite books, top 10 favorite movies, top 25 albums I listen to and the TV show is the only non-HBO drama I’ve ever watched. I’d say that’s pretty good. Besides my daughter, I think Texas football will be the only thing keeping me from becoming homicidal when I move to Dallas.

50 Cent, “Candy Shop” – Just an awful, awful song. I wish I could have Bill Walton here so he could say, “It’s hoorrribblle.” When I go to hell, the Barney Show will have to listen to this and “Amusement Park” and write 5000 words breaking down which one has worse sexual innuendo and why. I should have deleted this song off the iPod a long time ago.

Kanye West, “Spaceship” – This is the official song for me when I’m leaving the office at 7:30 at night. It keeps me from quitting my office job and working at the mall. If I don’t use Mark 8:36 in my resignation letter, Kanye’s words (slightly modified) will be the next choice:
“So I quit, y’all welcome,
Y’all don’t know my struggle, y’all can’t match my hustle
You can’t catch my hustle, you can fathom my love dude
Lock yourself in a room doing 5 proposals a day for three summers,
That’s a different world like Cree Summers,
I deserve to do these numbers.”

Pink Floyd, “Money” – Yes, I do have all of Dark Side of the Moon on here. And a couple other Pink Floyd songs. You’re probably surprised, but let me explain. Back in high school I had a midnight curfew. It’s hard to get smashed, get home by midnight and still be able to have a conversation with your parents (who stayed up until I got home). So if I really wanted to go out and get wrecked, I made sure I slept over French Ben’s house so we could come home whenever we wanted. Now French Ben was into a lot more hardcore shit then I ever was (pretty much every drug outside of coke and heroin to my knowledge). So he would come home tripping out of his mind and would play Pink Floyd while falling asleep. And since I was on the floor, I got to listen to it as well. And it’s pretty good.
Two side stories to go to this. One, I got French Ben to eventually split the music between Pink Floyd and Biggie (now that’s a combo). He liked tripping to “Notorious Thugs”. Two, another benefit of sleeping over French Ben’s house was that I got to wake up and see his hot mom and sister. One day they walked in to wake French Ben in boxers. In the words of Ice Cube, “I gotta say, it was a good day.”

Jay-Z/R Kelly, “Take You Home with Me” – Wow, I forgot Jay even made this album. I’m sure he doesn’t want to remember this either. It’s hard to have a worse idea than releasing an album by someone as their being accused of filming sex with a minor, but in my opinion, having this album produced by Trackmasters was a worse idea. I guess Kanye, Just Blaze, Timbaland, Dre and some random guy from Queensbridge were unavailable. Plus, Kell’s just jacked a Jay verse and tried to play it off as his own.

Jadakiss, “Why” – I was going to go through each of Jada’s questions and answer them for him, like “You can’t come through in the pecan Jag because Jaguar does not make cars with the color pecan, whatever the hell that is.” Instead, I’ll just I’ll ask a question of my own. How do you think Kobe felt the first time he heard this song? “Why did Kobe have to hit that raw? Why he kiss that whore?” There’s really no way to simulate someone calling you out for your adulterous choices in a national single, is there?
If I ever did a song like this now, my questions would go something along the lines of, “Why can’t the orange line ever be on time? Why can’t the bartender serve me a Corona with a lime?” Hmmm…maybe that will be an episode.

Biggie, “#!*@ You Tonight” – You know what memory pops into my head when I hear this song? Traveling to AAU games. And I mean that in the most no homo way possible. Here’s why: We were driving to a game in the Bronx with Life After Death playing. The guy’s dad who was driving was about to cut it off soon because of the profanity. And then this song came on. And he hears the chorus. Here was the exchange:

Dad: “Did he just say what I thought he said?”
Kid: “No, he said ‘Loving You’.” (Looks to the back seat for support)(Chorus kicks in again)
Entire Backseat (singing): “You must be used to me spending, and all that sweet wining and dining, well I’m loving you tonight.”

And Life After Death stayed on. I think there’s a lesson in that, but I’m not sure what.