NBA Midseason Review - Western Conference

Last week we brought you the mid season Eastern Conference review. After a long delay, we’re back with the Western Conference counterpoint. Keep in mind this is being written while 35,000 feet above the nothingness that is the Midwest, which is not exactly conducive to inspiration for an NBA column. So if it sucks, you’ll know why.

1. Golden State – Just when I thought they had reached their peak by electing Stephen Jackson captain and then playing a lot better ball when he returned from his strip club shooting suspension (say that three times fast), they go and sign Chris Webber. Regardless of how this helps them on the court, it has led to a 8,413% increase (I’ve done the math) in the number of times they’ve shown Webber’s behind the back dunk on Barkley, which might be my favorite non Jordan or Kemp dunk of all time. For two reasons: First, it inspired the epic Nike barbershop commercial where they asked Chris what Chuck said to him afterwards. “I don’t believe in role models, but you’re mine.” What a great commercial. And second, immediately after Chris pulled this off, I tried to go behind the back in a CYO playoff game. The refs were so stunned, they disregarded the blatant travel and called the foul on the bewildered defender who just flailed at me in confusion (that might have been the single best sentence I’ve written on this blog. And you think I’m kidding.). This was the best And 1 move I had until I discovered the Ed Cota (my all time favorite college player by the way, who might get a tribute episode about him at some point) behind the back pass to yourself on a 2 on 1 break move. I’ve been able to pull that off several times successfully (Sorry, I forgot this was supposed to be an NBA column and not a basketball column about injured D3 point guards. I’ll continue as promised).Also, Baron Davis started reviewing movies. So that keeps them in contention with the Knicks, who will now be without Starbury for the rest of the season. Don’t count the Warriors out just yet.

2. Suns – This is based just off their recent acquisition of Shaq and the nickname he will give himself when he finds out Amare has Black Jesus tatted on his neck. Also, when Shawn Marion was asking to get traded in the off season, his wikipedia page briefly said that he loved white women and wanted out of Phoenix because he had exhausted his supply in Arizona. See this is the cutting edge scouting analysis you only get on The Barney Show. Steve Kerr has to be the funniest GM in the league if your going to laugh with one and not at one. Oh, and Stephen A. Smith cancelled doing a blog about Obama to do it on the Shaq trade. Though SAS has been on MSNBC during the primaries, so he might have some good political insight along with Cheese Doodles.

3. Kings – Ron Ron hasn’t been himself this year. He’s done some wacky things, but its all a prelude to this summer when he ops out of his contract and signs the mid level exception with this Knicks. Also, Brad Miller injured his finger while doing dishes. SPENCER HAWES has had no effect on this team as far as I can see. Oh, and Mike Bibby got awarded the worst tattoo in the league, which was an impressive feat. If Shaq doesn’t do Shaq things in Phoenix, they’ll move up to # 2 in the West.

4. Hornets – Remember last week when I said that the West was the superior conference in the Barney standings? I might have to take that back. There are a lot of teams that just take care of business night in and night out. But Chris “Birdman” Anderson’s suspension ended last week, so if he goes back to his old team, expect hilarity to ensue.

(We’ll now pause because I really think someone doesn’t want me to write this episode. Since I’ve started, I’ve had to close my laptop to look for a pen the kid in front of me lost and my Microsoft Word just crashed. If it hadn’t been restored, I would have just said fuck it, I’m not redoing those 600 words again.)

5. Memphis – For getting comically shafted by Mitch Kupcheck in the Gasol trade as well as their ability to purchase replica jerseys of every member of their team (I think Brian Cardinal is available), but not Rudy Gay. Because sometimes I have the humor of a 12 year old.

6. San Antonio – Upgraded their roster by trading for Damon “Weed in tinfoil through an airport” Stoudemire. I just picture him asking Duncan if he wants to get high and Timmy thinking about it and Popovich pops into his head with a disapproving look. I’m the only one that pictures that? Oh, ok, sorry. I apologize profusely. The Spurs will be an early playoff exit though because ABC/ESPN will repeatedly show Eva Longoria on the game and it will make me want to throw something at my TV.

7. Minnesota – Man, this was a stretch to find another West team that has entertained me, but I forgot the internet campaign to get Antoine Walker voted into the All Star game only because he’s Antoine Freakin’ Walker. He should be invited to every All Star game as an honorary guest, no matter if he’s only averaging 6 points a game.

8. Lakers – Here’s a team that’s Barney performance is just like it’s on court performance. No matter how bad the Lakers are (and they might be the best team in the League this year, but pretend their bad for this example), you’ll always have a game because of Kobe. No matter how unfunny the team is, how I haven’t really used the Bill Walton talking to Luke voice, you’ll always have jokes about Kobe’s trip to Colorado to fall back on. There were rumors of me going out to Colorado for business purposes and I was seeing how close Eagle county was to where I would be going. I’d treat that hotel like a national landmark.

Anyway, that’s my take on the West.