Hi, I’m Bob Ley. This week on Outside the Lines we look at the rising rate of concussions in basketball. Once confined to contact sports such as boxing, football and hockey, we are now seeing a rise in concussions in basketball. Just last week Gerald Wallace of the Charlotte Bobcats sustained a grade 3 concussion after taking an accidental elbow against the Sacramento Kings. This represents Wallace’s 4th concussion in his career. Could this be because of his playing style, which Wikipedia describes as “energetic and dangerous?” Is the NBA facing a health crisis for its players? Did wikipedia steal my description of the eastern European hooker I had last night and apply it to a Bobcat small forward? We’ll discuss this and more on today’s edition of Outside the Lines.
(Cut to OTL introduction)
Doctors say athletes who sustain three or more concussions during their careers are 20% more likely to experience depression and more than 50% more likely to experience issues with cognitive functions than the general population later in life. Today’s guests will discuss these issues and more. Our panel today is Wayne Chrebet, a former wide receiver for the New York Jets, TJ Ford, point guard for the Toronto Raptors, and a West End resident known simply as Barney.
Ley: Let’s start with you Wayne. You were forced to retire from the Jets because of concussions. What are some of the effects that are still with you?
Wayne: Well Mr. TV camera, I have an irresistible urge to consume packets of McDonald’s ketchup.
L: Has that been diagnosed by doctors?
W: Yes. Apparently I’m living a double life as the Hamburgular.
L: (confused) Really?
W: Yes. I’m the Hamburgular, Curtis Martin is Grimace, Herm Edwards is Mayor McCheese and Vinny Testeverde is Ronald McDonald. We all meet at the McDonald’s on Hempstead Turnpike every Thursday to reminisce about the old days: When McDonald’s used cartoon characters to sell cheeseburgers instead of “I’m lovin’ it”. (Holds up a photo of the Hamburgular, Grimace, Mayor McCheese and Ronald McDonald with their heads clearly photo shopped. I like that Wayne had the good sense to photo shop in a picture of Herm confused. Maybe he’s looking at a clock or possibly the internet.)
L: Ok, thanks Wayne. Best of luck getting McDonalds to change their national advertising campaign.
W: Rubble, rubble, rubble.
Ley: On to our next guest, TJ Ford. Now TJ, you’ve never sustained a concussion, but you’ve set a record for most neck injuries in NBA history. What do you attribute that to?TJ: Thanks Bob. Great to be here. I’d attribute my record to the fact that I was the 5th pick in the draft despite the fact that the average person would confuse me with Lil’ Bow Wow.
L: You got that right. I was almost looking around for Omarion in the background. Is there anything you regret about your injuries?TJ: Not really. Except that Al Horford had to injure me. If it had to have been a Florida Gator injure me, I would have preferred it have been Joakim Noah, because it would have given America one more reason to hate him.
L: Thanks for your time, TJ. We need to go to commercial. We’ll be right back with more on concussions and basketball.
Ley: We’re back here on Outside the Lines discussing the rise of concussions in basketball. We’re now joined by the only basketball player who had his career ended by concussions. Mr. Barney, how are you this morning?
Barney: I’m fine Bob. Thanks for having me.
L: Is that a glass of scotch in your hand?B: Why yes it is Bob.
L: It’s 10 in the morning.
B: Actually Bob, I’m in Spain right now, so it’s actually 3 PM.
L: So you’re telling me the Outside the Lines crew went through the effort to put up a background of the Washington DC skyline when you’re actually in Spain?
B: Alright, you burned me. Let’s talk about concussions.
L: Good idea. I’m already worried where this will go. Can you tell us how you sustained your concussions? It doesn’t seem like concussions are a part of basketball.
B: Sure Bob. My first one, I deflected a pass in transition. As I went to chase it down, I ran face first into the shoulder of a big man who was heading to the blocks. The second one was during a rebounding drill. A teammate who thought that he was tough got thrown by another teammate who resembled Greg Ostertag. As I turned my head to locate the ball after a great box out, tough guys head went directly into my nose. My nose was broken on that play.
L: Ouch.
B: That wasn’t the last one Bob. My third occurred either taking a charge or an elbow. I sustained both within about 30 seconds of playing time. It’s really a toss up in my mind. My last one was in a gym with 3 feet from the baseline and a wall. I fouled a ginger kid hard and my momentum took me into the wall where I sustained a concussion from the whiplash.
L: And when did these occur?
B: The first one was in 2000. The second, third and fourth occurred between November 2003 and February 2004.
L: Wow. Three in three months. That can’t be good.
B: No Bob it wasn’t. After the last one, I had post concussion syndrome for three months.
L: What was that like?B: I was sensitive to light. Headaches, nausea, dizziness. Oh, and poor decisions. It was during this time period that I hooked up with a red headed virgin who had a lisp.
L: That’s alright. Charlie Steiner used to do that all the time.
B: Good to know. I also had some issues with my balance. I couldn’t stand on one leg for awhile.
L: So why did you retire?B: Well, my neurologist pretty much made me. It was either that or wear a helmet. I don’t even think that’s legal.
L: No, we had Roger Cossack take a look into that and it’s not. So I’m assuming you had to leave games.
B: Fuck no Bob. I finished the game after my first one. I was out of practice for the second one, but only because my nose was broken and I wouldn’t stop bleeding unless I had tampons in my nostrils. The third one I actually played another 10 minutes, had 2 threes and was about to check back in for the final 7 minutes until I made the poor decision of talking to an assistant coach. Since I sounded high as hell, he didn’t let me go back in. On my final one, I played the remaining 2 minutes of the game and then collapsed in the bathroom afterwards. So my point here is that Tomlinson is a pussy because he couldn’t even play with a sprained knee in the AFC Championship game.
L: You said you worked with a neurologist. Did they give any reasons as to why you sustained all these concussions? Were you more susceptible than others?B: Well, for every concussion you get, its easier to sustain another one. My neurologist said that I was predisposed to concussions because of my small head. He actually took out a tape measure and was amazed. I then mentioned to him that my brother once gave me a cantaloupe with two googly eyes glued on with a sign that said “I’m Barney” as a gag gift. The neurologist then took my case a lot more seriously.
L: Are there any lingering effects?B: Speech is a big issue for me. For a few months after the last one, I was talking like I was punch drunk.
L: Just punch drunk?
B: Well, I was just plain drunk a lot of the time as well. But when I was sober, I was slurring things left and right. Even today, I cross up words when I have to think on the fly. If I’m talking about something I know, like spreadsheet, I’m fine. If I have to do anything that requires analysis or when I’m unsure of something, I turn into the skinny kid from Superbad.
L: Any regrets?
B: Lots Bob. Mostly that my career ending injury occurred in the Bronx and not in Philadelphia. It would have been nice to have my last athletic moment being booed.
L: Any advice for Gerald Wallace?B: Fall back on your education.
L: He spent one year at Alabama.
B: Jeez, Forrest Gump has a better education than him. Well, I hope Gerald had some sound financial advice and diversified his bonds.
L: Well Barney, that’s about all the time we have. Thanks for coming on. Hopefully you can get your brain and liver back before you end up dead on a street corner somewhere. Stay tuned for SportCenter. Josh Elliot investigates the emerging drug smuggling scandal engulfing the Duke basketball program and Bobby Knight makes his debut. I have next Tuesday as the day he fights Dickie V to the death in the ESPN office pool. Have a good Sunday everybody.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Brrrrrrr.....
The Birdman might be back. And the Hornets might be moving to the top of the Barney standings in the West:
"Chris Andersen also could return if he is reinstated by the NBA, after a two-year ban was imposed for violating the league's anti-drug policy."
http://www.nola.com/sports/t-p/index.ssf?/base/sports-36/1204007601286340.xml&coll=1
That's what happened to that boy.
6PM Update:
Looks like the Birdman might have some competition. Russia's got the Bird Boy. I think this is all part of David Stern's Basketball without Borders program:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article857046.ece
$20 he's a part of the Cash Money entourage within the next 10 years.
"Chris Andersen also could return if he is reinstated by the NBA, after a two-year ban was imposed for violating the league's anti-drug policy."
http://www.nola.com/sports/t-p/index.ssf?/base/sports-36/1204007601286340.xml&coll=1
That's what happened to that boy.
6PM Update:
Looks like the Birdman might have some competition. Russia's got the Bird Boy. I think this is all part of David Stern's Basketball without Borders program:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article857046.ece
$20 he's a part of the Cash Money entourage within the next 10 years.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Random Jets RB Thoughts
Alright, I’m officially torn on who I want at running back for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets this season. Thomas Jones made a strong case for keeping the position with a tremendous appearance on MTV cribs Saturday morning. His house in Miami has a pond out front that is blood red and has lights underneath it to look badass at night. He also nicknamed all of his cars after super heroes. He had the Green Lantern (a neon Porches I think), Silver Surfer was his Bentley. Pretty good performance.
And then Run DMC goes and puts up a 4.27 (or 4.33 depending who you ask) in the 40. Oh, and he might have up to 3 kids before he even enters the NFL:
“That’s where news got out that Arkansas running back Darren McFadden is not only battling a paternity suit, but that he told a team during an interview Saturday night that he has two children on the way. In addition to meeting with the Falcons, he met with the Raiders, who pick fourth in the draft, and several other teams.”(http://www.ajc.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/ajc/falcons/entries/2008/02/24/combine_report.html)
Hopefully that brings up more character issues and more teams pass on him. C’mon slippage.
And then Run DMC goes and puts up a 4.27 (or 4.33 depending who you ask) in the 40. Oh, and he might have up to 3 kids before he even enters the NFL:
“That’s where news got out that Arkansas running back Darren McFadden is not only battling a paternity suit, but that he told a team during an interview Saturday night that he has two children on the way. In addition to meeting with the Falcons, he met with the Raiders, who pick fourth in the draft, and several other teams.”(http://www.ajc.com/blogs/content/shared-blogs/ajc/falcons/entries/2008/02/24/combine_report.html)
Hopefully that brings up more character issues and more teams pass on him. C’mon slippage.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Weekend Musings
Let me start this weekend’s musings by saying that I watched the Price is Right on Friday night and Drew Carey couldn’t hold Bob Barker’s jock. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt because he had one of the greatest lines ever (“So you hate your job? They have a support group for that. It’s called everybody and they meet every week at the bar.”), but he needs to step his game up. That Plinko game isn’t going to play itself.
My big idea this weekend involves the tax rebate check that people should be getting in June or something to help stimulate the economy. Because this is basically free money, The Barney Show is proposing The Pacman Jones Tax Rebate Extravaganza. Basically, it involves converting your entire tax rebate to singles and going to a strip club. I’ve even justified this economically. The best way to stimulate the economy (Don’t get me started on the fact that their giving out money when the government is already running a deficit. I didn’t make this decision, so I need to make the best of it) in my opinion (Please feel free to disregard everyone else’s, including those so called “economists”) is to buy high end goods. $600 is not enough for one person to splurge, so my theory is to combine this money from a group and give it to a single individual, namely one who takes their clothes off for you. Strippers don’t seem like the type to put this money into an IRA, so I think this will go right back into the economy. Either that or towards drugs, and you know dope boys will buy high end merchandise. You’ve heard of Trickle Down economics, this is Titty Down economics, courtesy of Professor Barney. So not only will you be helping the economy, this is also the best chance to pretend your Pacman Jones or Darius Miles (who was seen this week making it rain in Portland. Dennis Dixon, the Oregon QB was in his entourage. I need a rehab schedule like that) without feeling guilty because you really didn’t do anything for this money. I’ll be pushing this more as the tax rebate comes closer, but I’m just putting the seeds in your mind.
Pretty tame weekend by my standards (If you count “tame” as having 5 Jameson’s, 3 Jack’s, 2 Henn Rocks and 2 Guinness in a night. I do.). I spent a good hour today going to different bookstores to see if any of them carry New York Magazine, since my girl Lindsay gets naked in it. Unfortunately, they do not carry that down here in the dirty. It wasn’t all negative though. I picked up Hoop magazine, that was doing a story on the Warriors. Not only does it focus on Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson and Matt Barnes, it has a poster of all three of them. And it could possibly be the greatest poster of all time. It has the three of them and says, “Warriors, come out and play” in the same font as in the movie (which I coincidentally bought this weekend for $6 at Circuit City.) So I have a new poster to go on my wall. And if you’re wondering if it’s a little juvenile that a 25 year old can be this excited about an NBA poster, fuck you. Luckily for me, I think any female that comes back to my place will be so turned off by the whiskey bottles strewn across the room, they’ll be out the door before they even notice the poster.
MVP of this weekend goes to J-Man. With the Duke lacrosse team back in the news, I was able to drop this nugget on people. “My brother went to high school with one of the players who was accused. My brother shoved him down a flight of stairs because he was such a giant douche. My brother could cure cancer and I’m not sure I’d be more proud of him.” People looked at me with either amazement or like they usually do, like I’m a complete moron. But there was some amazement, so I’m on the right track. The bar I was at on Saturday had The James Joyce Room. I texted J-Man to let him know I was there and that it didn’t seem right without him (J-Man reads Joyce for shits and giggles). He texted me back with an awesome Joyce fact that I was able to work into conversation. So J-Man gets a shout out for giving me stuff to talk to people about that doesn’t involve football, basketball or alcohol. Thanks buddy.
A final note before I wrap this up (about 400 words too late) is that I missed some things in my last Texas Toast. I wrote that thing about the basketball game with the sole purpose of saying I played like a bizzaro Reggie Miller (no shooting whatsoever, but rebounding, passing and setting picks) and then I forgot to include it. I also forgot to include the fact that my daughter was crying like crazy in the car until I put on American Dreaming by Hov and she calmed right down. That made me happy. Until next week, keep your heads up and your standards down.
My big idea this weekend involves the tax rebate check that people should be getting in June or something to help stimulate the economy. Because this is basically free money, The Barney Show is proposing The Pacman Jones Tax Rebate Extravaganza. Basically, it involves converting your entire tax rebate to singles and going to a strip club. I’ve even justified this economically. The best way to stimulate the economy (Don’t get me started on the fact that their giving out money when the government is already running a deficit. I didn’t make this decision, so I need to make the best of it) in my opinion (Please feel free to disregard everyone else’s, including those so called “economists”) is to buy high end goods. $600 is not enough for one person to splurge, so my theory is to combine this money from a group and give it to a single individual, namely one who takes their clothes off for you. Strippers don’t seem like the type to put this money into an IRA, so I think this will go right back into the economy. Either that or towards drugs, and you know dope boys will buy high end merchandise. You’ve heard of Trickle Down economics, this is Titty Down economics, courtesy of Professor Barney. So not only will you be helping the economy, this is also the best chance to pretend your Pacman Jones or Darius Miles (who was seen this week making it rain in Portland. Dennis Dixon, the Oregon QB was in his entourage. I need a rehab schedule like that) without feeling guilty because you really didn’t do anything for this money. I’ll be pushing this more as the tax rebate comes closer, but I’m just putting the seeds in your mind.
Pretty tame weekend by my standards (If you count “tame” as having 5 Jameson’s, 3 Jack’s, 2 Henn Rocks and 2 Guinness in a night. I do.). I spent a good hour today going to different bookstores to see if any of them carry New York Magazine, since my girl Lindsay gets naked in it. Unfortunately, they do not carry that down here in the dirty. It wasn’t all negative though. I picked up Hoop magazine, that was doing a story on the Warriors. Not only does it focus on Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson and Matt Barnes, it has a poster of all three of them. And it could possibly be the greatest poster of all time. It has the three of them and says, “Warriors, come out and play” in the same font as in the movie (which I coincidentally bought this weekend for $6 at Circuit City.) So I have a new poster to go on my wall. And if you’re wondering if it’s a little juvenile that a 25 year old can be this excited about an NBA poster, fuck you. Luckily for me, I think any female that comes back to my place will be so turned off by the whiskey bottles strewn across the room, they’ll be out the door before they even notice the poster.
MVP of this weekend goes to J-Man. With the Duke lacrosse team back in the news, I was able to drop this nugget on people. “My brother went to high school with one of the players who was accused. My brother shoved him down a flight of stairs because he was such a giant douche. My brother could cure cancer and I’m not sure I’d be more proud of him.” People looked at me with either amazement or like they usually do, like I’m a complete moron. But there was some amazement, so I’m on the right track. The bar I was at on Saturday had The James Joyce Room. I texted J-Man to let him know I was there and that it didn’t seem right without him (J-Man reads Joyce for shits and giggles). He texted me back with an awesome Joyce fact that I was able to work into conversation. So J-Man gets a shout out for giving me stuff to talk to people about that doesn’t involve football, basketball or alcohol. Thanks buddy.
A final note before I wrap this up (about 400 words too late) is that I missed some things in my last Texas Toast. I wrote that thing about the basketball game with the sole purpose of saying I played like a bizzaro Reggie Miller (no shooting whatsoever, but rebounding, passing and setting picks) and then I forgot to include it. I also forgot to include the fact that my daughter was crying like crazy in the car until I put on American Dreaming by Hov and she calmed right down. That made me happy. Until next week, keep your heads up and your standards down.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Shuffle the Shuffler
We’re back again with America’s new favorite game, Shuffle the Shuffler. If you don’t know by now, I take my old iPod that hasn’t been updated since 2005, put it on random and see where it takes me. Either hilarity or pointlessness ensues. You be the judge (it’s more democratic than the Democratic primaries. Thanks super delegates. And yes, I did just work a political joke in this. I’ll try and make the rest of this episode less highbrow. Excuse for trying to class this show up a bit).
Jay-Z, “1-900 Hustler” – Who ever came up with the concept for this song should get a medal or a trophy. Something. Because it’s brilliant. For those of you unfamiliar with this song, the premise is the Roc Boys work on a hotline for dope boys looking for advice. I think this was the first time I heard Freeway. I had the same reaction everyone else had: “That was kind of hot, but can I deal with that voice for an entire album?”
Jay and Bleek have some hot verses, but Beanie Sigel steals the show. I died when he put the guy on hold with elevator music. More fun was when I called someone in high school (I forget who) and this was the exchange:
Me: “It’s Barney”
X: “Who?”
Me: “Barney”
X: "What do you think this is? The get indicted hotline?”
Holla at Purdue.
Big Boi, “Ghetto Musick” – This was the official pregame song of 2005. In fact, it’s still good. After 2-3 drinks and the buzz is starting to hit, put this song on. I guarantee you will lose your mind. I can still see Floyd Banks banging the shit out of our table. If I was on anything stronger than alcohol, I might do really bad things.
Plus it doubles as the most manic depressive song ever. Let’s randomly put some Patti Labelle in there.
If I heard this while on a treadmill, I have to increase the speed by at least half a mile per hour.
2Pac, “Toss it Up” – This starts off as a raunchy sex song. This goes on for 3 minutes and 15 seconds. There’s even 2 minutes of some R&B. Then Pac decides enough of this, I need to obliterate Dr. Dre. He then proceeds to compare his sexuality to Alize. And that’s why I love this song.
Explosions in the Sky, “Your Hand in Mine” – Sports Guy name checked them a week or so ago, but yes, I had them on my iPod 4 years ago. Because it’s off the Friday Night Lights soundtrack, which is really good for listening when you have a long car ride.
Speaking of Friday Night Lights, you want to know how good it is? All time, it’s one of my top 5 favorite books, top 10 favorite movies, top 25 albums I listen to and the TV show is the only non-HBO drama I’ve ever watched. I’d say that’s pretty good. Besides my daughter, I think Texas football will be the only thing keeping me from becoming homicidal when I move to Dallas.
50 Cent, “Candy Shop” – Just an awful, awful song. I wish I could have Bill Walton here so he could say, “It’s hoorrribblle.” When I go to hell, the Barney Show will have to listen to this and “Amusement Park” and write 5000 words breaking down which one has worse sexual innuendo and why. I should have deleted this song off the iPod a long time ago.
Kanye West, “Spaceship” – This is the official song for me when I’m leaving the office at 7:30 at night. It keeps me from quitting my office job and working at the mall. If I don’t use Mark 8:36 in my resignation letter, Kanye’s words (slightly modified) will be the next choice:
“So I quit, y’all welcome,
Y’all don’t know my struggle, y’all can’t match my hustle
You can’t catch my hustle, you can fathom my love dude
Lock yourself in a room doing 5 proposals a day for three summers,
That’s a different world like Cree Summers,
I deserve to do these numbers.”
Pink Floyd, “Money” – Yes, I do have all of Dark Side of the Moon on here. And a couple other Pink Floyd songs. You’re probably surprised, but let me explain. Back in high school I had a midnight curfew. It’s hard to get smashed, get home by midnight and still be able to have a conversation with your parents (who stayed up until I got home). So if I really wanted to go out and get wrecked, I made sure I slept over French Ben’s house so we could come home whenever we wanted. Now French Ben was into a lot more hardcore shit then I ever was (pretty much every drug outside of coke and heroin to my knowledge). So he would come home tripping out of his mind and would play Pink Floyd while falling asleep. And since I was on the floor, I got to listen to it as well. And it’s pretty good.
Two side stories to go to this. One, I got French Ben to eventually split the music between Pink Floyd and Biggie (now that’s a combo). He liked tripping to “Notorious Thugs”. Two, another benefit of sleeping over French Ben’s house was that I got to wake up and see his hot mom and sister. One day they walked in to wake French Ben in boxers. In the words of Ice Cube, “I gotta say, it was a good day.”
Jay-Z/R Kelly, “Take You Home with Me” – Wow, I forgot Jay even made this album. I’m sure he doesn’t want to remember this either. It’s hard to have a worse idea than releasing an album by someone as their being accused of filming sex with a minor, but in my opinion, having this album produced by Trackmasters was a worse idea. I guess Kanye, Just Blaze, Timbaland, Dre and some random guy from Queensbridge were unavailable. Plus, Kell’s just jacked a Jay verse and tried to play it off as his own.
Jadakiss, “Why” – I was going to go through each of Jada’s questions and answer them for him, like “You can’t come through in the pecan Jag because Jaguar does not make cars with the color pecan, whatever the hell that is.” Instead, I’ll just I’ll ask a question of my own. How do you think Kobe felt the first time he heard this song? “Why did Kobe have to hit that raw? Why he kiss that whore?” There’s really no way to simulate someone calling you out for your adulterous choices in a national single, is there?
If I ever did a song like this now, my questions would go something along the lines of, “Why can’t the orange line ever be on time? Why can’t the bartender serve me a Corona with a lime?” Hmmm…maybe that will be an episode.
Biggie, “#!*@ You Tonight” – You know what memory pops into my head when I hear this song? Traveling to AAU games. And I mean that in the most no homo way possible. Here’s why: We were driving to a game in the Bronx with Life After Death playing. The guy’s dad who was driving was about to cut it off soon because of the profanity. And then this song came on. And he hears the chorus. Here was the exchange:
Dad: “Did he just say what I thought he said?”
Kid: “No, he said ‘Loving You’.” (Looks to the back seat for support)(Chorus kicks in again)
Entire Backseat (singing): “You must be used to me spending, and all that sweet wining and dining, well I’m loving you tonight.”
And Life After Death stayed on. I think there’s a lesson in that, but I’m not sure what.
Jay-Z, “1-900 Hustler” – Who ever came up with the concept for this song should get a medal or a trophy. Something. Because it’s brilliant. For those of you unfamiliar with this song, the premise is the Roc Boys work on a hotline for dope boys looking for advice. I think this was the first time I heard Freeway. I had the same reaction everyone else had: “That was kind of hot, but can I deal with that voice for an entire album?”
Jay and Bleek have some hot verses, but Beanie Sigel steals the show. I died when he put the guy on hold with elevator music. More fun was when I called someone in high school (I forget who) and this was the exchange:
Me: “It’s Barney”
X: “Who?”
Me: “Barney”
X: "What do you think this is? The get indicted hotline?”
Holla at Purdue.
Big Boi, “Ghetto Musick” – This was the official pregame song of 2005. In fact, it’s still good. After 2-3 drinks and the buzz is starting to hit, put this song on. I guarantee you will lose your mind. I can still see Floyd Banks banging the shit out of our table. If I was on anything stronger than alcohol, I might do really bad things.
Plus it doubles as the most manic depressive song ever. Let’s randomly put some Patti Labelle in there.
If I heard this while on a treadmill, I have to increase the speed by at least half a mile per hour.
2Pac, “Toss it Up” – This starts off as a raunchy sex song. This goes on for 3 minutes and 15 seconds. There’s even 2 minutes of some R&B. Then Pac decides enough of this, I need to obliterate Dr. Dre. He then proceeds to compare his sexuality to Alize. And that’s why I love this song.
Explosions in the Sky, “Your Hand in Mine” – Sports Guy name checked them a week or so ago, but yes, I had them on my iPod 4 years ago. Because it’s off the Friday Night Lights soundtrack, which is really good for listening when you have a long car ride.
Speaking of Friday Night Lights, you want to know how good it is? All time, it’s one of my top 5 favorite books, top 10 favorite movies, top 25 albums I listen to and the TV show is the only non-HBO drama I’ve ever watched. I’d say that’s pretty good. Besides my daughter, I think Texas football will be the only thing keeping me from becoming homicidal when I move to Dallas.
50 Cent, “Candy Shop” – Just an awful, awful song. I wish I could have Bill Walton here so he could say, “It’s hoorrribblle.” When I go to hell, the Barney Show will have to listen to this and “Amusement Park” and write 5000 words breaking down which one has worse sexual innuendo and why. I should have deleted this song off the iPod a long time ago.
Kanye West, “Spaceship” – This is the official song for me when I’m leaving the office at 7:30 at night. It keeps me from quitting my office job and working at the mall. If I don’t use Mark 8:36 in my resignation letter, Kanye’s words (slightly modified) will be the next choice:
“So I quit, y’all welcome,
Y’all don’t know my struggle, y’all can’t match my hustle
You can’t catch my hustle, you can fathom my love dude
Lock yourself in a room doing 5 proposals a day for three summers,
That’s a different world like Cree Summers,
I deserve to do these numbers.”
Pink Floyd, “Money” – Yes, I do have all of Dark Side of the Moon on here. And a couple other Pink Floyd songs. You’re probably surprised, but let me explain. Back in high school I had a midnight curfew. It’s hard to get smashed, get home by midnight and still be able to have a conversation with your parents (who stayed up until I got home). So if I really wanted to go out and get wrecked, I made sure I slept over French Ben’s house so we could come home whenever we wanted. Now French Ben was into a lot more hardcore shit then I ever was (pretty much every drug outside of coke and heroin to my knowledge). So he would come home tripping out of his mind and would play Pink Floyd while falling asleep. And since I was on the floor, I got to listen to it as well. And it’s pretty good.
Two side stories to go to this. One, I got French Ben to eventually split the music between Pink Floyd and Biggie (now that’s a combo). He liked tripping to “Notorious Thugs”. Two, another benefit of sleeping over French Ben’s house was that I got to wake up and see his hot mom and sister. One day they walked in to wake French Ben in boxers. In the words of Ice Cube, “I gotta say, it was a good day.”
Jay-Z/R Kelly, “Take You Home with Me” – Wow, I forgot Jay even made this album. I’m sure he doesn’t want to remember this either. It’s hard to have a worse idea than releasing an album by someone as their being accused of filming sex with a minor, but in my opinion, having this album produced by Trackmasters was a worse idea. I guess Kanye, Just Blaze, Timbaland, Dre and some random guy from Queensbridge were unavailable. Plus, Kell’s just jacked a Jay verse and tried to play it off as his own.
Jadakiss, “Why” – I was going to go through each of Jada’s questions and answer them for him, like “You can’t come through in the pecan Jag because Jaguar does not make cars with the color pecan, whatever the hell that is.” Instead, I’ll just I’ll ask a question of my own. How do you think Kobe felt the first time he heard this song? “Why did Kobe have to hit that raw? Why he kiss that whore?” There’s really no way to simulate someone calling you out for your adulterous choices in a national single, is there?
If I ever did a song like this now, my questions would go something along the lines of, “Why can’t the orange line ever be on time? Why can’t the bartender serve me a Corona with a lime?” Hmmm…maybe that will be an episode.
Biggie, “#!*@ You Tonight” – You know what memory pops into my head when I hear this song? Traveling to AAU games. And I mean that in the most no homo way possible. Here’s why: We were driving to a game in the Bronx with Life After Death playing. The guy’s dad who was driving was about to cut it off soon because of the profanity. And then this song came on. And he hears the chorus. Here was the exchange:
Dad: “Did he just say what I thought he said?”
Kid: “No, he said ‘Loving You’.” (Looks to the back seat for support)(Chorus kicks in again)
Entire Backseat (singing): “You must be used to me spending, and all that sweet wining and dining, well I’m loving you tonight.”
And Life After Death stayed on. I think there’s a lesson in that, but I’m not sure what.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Ask A Knick
My friend LA has a press pass to tonights Wizards-Knicks game. After she turned down my offer of giving her my liver (I have no idea why she declined it) for this priviledge, I did the next best thing and submitted a list of questions to ask tonight. Brock even got involved and sent me a list of questions he wanted asked, most of which were too overtly sexual and were not included. So here's the list:
To Isiah Thomas:
“What league were you referring to when you said you felt this team could win a championship in 5 years?”
“Who throws better parties: Marbury in his truck, Zach Randolph in Portland or Jerome James’s Fried Chicken parties?”
“You’ve been quiet with regard to trade rumors. Are you getting any calls from any teams, specifically Sacramento and Ron Artest?”
“Are you looking for any interns?”
“Have you ever substituted Zach Randolph for Randolph Morris? If so, have you said “Zach, get in for Morris" to avoid confusion. And if you’ve done this, do you get flashbacks to Saved by the Bell because that’s what I get when I looked at your roster?”
“Has anyone ever bought out the contracts of their entire starting line up? If not, will you be the first?”
“Can you offer me a mid-level exception this summer?”
To Zach Randolph:
“Your pool table in Portland had the Star of David on it. I saw it on MTV Cribs. Did you bring that with you to New York?”
“Can any strip clubs in Portland compare with Scores?”
To Jared Jefferies:
“How does it feel to return to Washington? Any comments on the fact that after you left, they signed a player to replace you at half the price that’s twice as good as you?”
“As a Indiana alum, on a scale to 1-10, how embarrassed are you to be linked with Isiah? 43? That would be my guess.”
To David Lee:
“Why don’t you play more? Do you ever want to run up to your coach and go, ‘I’m the only one on this team that rebounds.’?”
To Jerome James:
“You’ve scored 4 points total all season and are getting paid $5.8 million. Have you been indicted in any states for theft?”
“Do you and all decedents of you thank God every night that Isiah Thomas is so dumb?”
To Nate Robinson:
“Do you do cocaine? Because it wouldn’t surprise me.”
"Any plans to play on West 4th St in May? Because you know the Knicks won’t be playing then.”
So check the papers tomorrow to see if any of these questions got asked. I'm not getting my hopes up.
To Isiah Thomas:
“What league were you referring to when you said you felt this team could win a championship in 5 years?”
“Who throws better parties: Marbury in his truck, Zach Randolph in Portland or Jerome James’s Fried Chicken parties?”
“You’ve been quiet with regard to trade rumors. Are you getting any calls from any teams, specifically Sacramento and Ron Artest?”
“Are you looking for any interns?”
“Have you ever substituted Zach Randolph for Randolph Morris? If so, have you said “Zach, get in for Morris" to avoid confusion. And if you’ve done this, do you get flashbacks to Saved by the Bell because that’s what I get when I looked at your roster?”
“Has anyone ever bought out the contracts of their entire starting line up? If not, will you be the first?”
“Can you offer me a mid-level exception this summer?”
To Zach Randolph:
“Your pool table in Portland had the Star of David on it. I saw it on MTV Cribs. Did you bring that with you to New York?”
“Can any strip clubs in Portland compare with Scores?”
To Jared Jefferies:
“How does it feel to return to Washington? Any comments on the fact that after you left, they signed a player to replace you at half the price that’s twice as good as you?”
“As a Indiana alum, on a scale to 1-10, how embarrassed are you to be linked with Isiah? 43? That would be my guess.”
To David Lee:
“Why don’t you play more? Do you ever want to run up to your coach and go, ‘I’m the only one on this team that rebounds.’?”
To Jerome James:
“You’ve scored 4 points total all season and are getting paid $5.8 million. Have you been indicted in any states for theft?”
“Do you and all decedents of you thank God every night that Isiah Thomas is so dumb?”
To Nate Robinson:
“Do you do cocaine? Because it wouldn’t surprise me.”
"Any plans to play on West 4th St in May? Because you know the Knicks won’t be playing then.”
So check the papers tomorrow to see if any of these questions got asked. I'm not getting my hopes up.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Weekend Musings
Since there’s no more football for me to pontificate about, we’ll go back to Weekend Musings here on The Barney Show. In this weekend’s episode, Barney gets extremely drunk on a Friday night (I know this seems like a plot twist, but hang with me). Anyway, I went to a bar on Friday after work that was having an 80s/early 90s cover band. This seemed like an acceptable way to pass the time considering I spent Friday listening to Eddie Murphy’s “Party All the Time” five times at work (In fact, I just put it on again because it’s such a great song. There’s the synth kicking in. And now we’re hearing how much of a slore Eddie’s girl was. Good times). 80s/90s cover bands = fun, no homo (I had to include a Dip Set reference to keep my street cred). Say what you want, but being drunk as hell and singing “Living on a Prayer” is fun as hell, provided no photos are taken and girls are present. Anyway, this was just the opening act of the night.
Normally, I don’t like to kiss and tell about my romantic life in this blog (mostly because I’m really not getting much so there isn’t much to write about, but that’s just semantics). But if I hook up with someone I never thought I would, I think that gets part of an episode. That’s right, I hooked up with a girl who attended Duke. Loyal Barney Show readers know the antipathy I have towards the Blue Devils. Don’t worry, I didn’t sell out. I made ample JJ Reddick jokes (“He’s really doing well down in Orlando, huh?”). I even went on a 2 minute rant about their performance in the last 4 minutes of the 2004 Final Four which cost me $500 (I’m pretty sure she was topless when this happened. I was fine with her putting her shirt back on and telling me to get the fuck out. But I wasn’t going through the night without her knowing my true feelings. What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously? I have to be in contention for world’s biggest jackass.). So now I have to figure out if this is going to be a deal breaker (my guess is this will end badly. Like me calling Greg Paulus a fuck and challenging her to a fight.)
It’s not all bad though. I did find out some stuff about my favorite person, JJ. He was apparently a pot head his freshman year. He got his act together until after his senior year when he went back to smoking (and driving drunk). So there was that. Plus, I got confirmation that Lee Melchionni is an ass. His pick up line was apparently, “When are we going to have sex?” Classy. Keep focusing on turning out leaders Coach K. I’m looking forward to laughing at you during your AmEx commercials during the tournament.
This got me thinking (watch out, this could get dangerous). Remember in Casino, where Sam Rothstein knew everything about a game, crooked zebras, who knocked up his girlfriend, etc? Has this type of information made it onto the internet yet? Because it would be really good to know this stuff for recreational gambling purposes. My first reaction to finding about the weed was, “This would have been good information at the time I was ‘investing’ in certain college teams.” Imagine getting information that Player X was out late Friday night and he has a noon tip against a conference opponent. Or Player Y is having issues with his girlfriend. This could be a goldmine. I would start the website myself, but I would need to find college students willing to snitch. And you know what Carmelo Anthony says about snitching. So if anyone doesn’t take advice from NBA players from Baltimore with 20 tats, take that idea and run with it.
Alright, enough with that. Let’s talk about the other big story of the weekend, Dwight “Superman” Howard’s performance Saturday night. You know how good it was? Because of him, I can now listen to Soulja Boy and not want to smash my head against the wall. I now picture Dwight dancing in a club smashing into people. Kenny kept saying that the Superman and double tap dunks were in the top 5 all time. I care to disagree with Mr. Smith. Did you see his first one? His head was behind the backboard when he dunked it. I think I was more impressed that he avoided smashing his head into the backboard (that’s probably because it the one way I never had to worry about getting a concussion). I was also impressed by him getting the cheerleader involved considering he knocked one of them up, and thus providing ample jokes for me. Like shooting fish in a barrel.
Gerald Green took over Howard’s spot last year by getting screwed by the judges. His birthday dunk would have made the crowd go bananas if he hadn’t followed Howard. And it took me until this morning to realize how impressive his dunk with no shoes on was. Mostly because I slid on my bathroom floor.
As for the rest of the night, I enjoyed Magic saying, “Let’s agree to disagree” to Chuck when they were both agreeing that Green’s dunk should have gotten a higher score. Also, Rahsard McCants’ neck tat was entertaining. I couldn’t tell if YBG stands for “Young, Black, Ghetto” or “Young, Black, Gangta”. Either way, it’s tremendous. Is it a prison tat? Maybe he got it at UNC (ok, I’m done with obscure ACC references). And finally, I decided that if I ever got rich, after I made it rain Pacman Jones style and hiring Jimmy King to manage my investments, I’m then setting up a fund to ensure that Dikembe Mutumbo can attend all All-Star Saturday Nights for the remainder of his life. Sports Guy has mentioned it, but Dikembe’s presence alone makes the Dunk Contest at least 3 times more fun. They should have a camera on him at all times. You hear that Melchionni, that man knows how to proposition young coeds for sex. You should learn from the master. And on that note, I’m going to go start looking for a shrink because these last thousand words pretty much ensure I’m at least partly insane.
Normally, I don’t like to kiss and tell about my romantic life in this blog (mostly because I’m really not getting much so there isn’t much to write about, but that’s just semantics). But if I hook up with someone I never thought I would, I think that gets part of an episode. That’s right, I hooked up with a girl who attended Duke. Loyal Barney Show readers know the antipathy I have towards the Blue Devils. Don’t worry, I didn’t sell out. I made ample JJ Reddick jokes (“He’s really doing well down in Orlando, huh?”). I even went on a 2 minute rant about their performance in the last 4 minutes of the 2004 Final Four which cost me $500 (I’m pretty sure she was topless when this happened. I was fine with her putting her shirt back on and telling me to get the fuck out. But I wasn’t going through the night without her knowing my true feelings. What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously? I have to be in contention for world’s biggest jackass.). So now I have to figure out if this is going to be a deal breaker (my guess is this will end badly. Like me calling Greg Paulus a fuck and challenging her to a fight.)
It’s not all bad though. I did find out some stuff about my favorite person, JJ. He was apparently a pot head his freshman year. He got his act together until after his senior year when he went back to smoking (and driving drunk). So there was that. Plus, I got confirmation that Lee Melchionni is an ass. His pick up line was apparently, “When are we going to have sex?” Classy. Keep focusing on turning out leaders Coach K. I’m looking forward to laughing at you during your AmEx commercials during the tournament.
This got me thinking (watch out, this could get dangerous). Remember in Casino, where Sam Rothstein knew everything about a game, crooked zebras, who knocked up his girlfriend, etc? Has this type of information made it onto the internet yet? Because it would be really good to know this stuff for recreational gambling purposes. My first reaction to finding about the weed was, “This would have been good information at the time I was ‘investing’ in certain college teams.” Imagine getting information that Player X was out late Friday night and he has a noon tip against a conference opponent. Or Player Y is having issues with his girlfriend. This could be a goldmine. I would start the website myself, but I would need to find college students willing to snitch. And you know what Carmelo Anthony says about snitching. So if anyone doesn’t take advice from NBA players from Baltimore with 20 tats, take that idea and run with it.
Alright, enough with that. Let’s talk about the other big story of the weekend, Dwight “Superman” Howard’s performance Saturday night. You know how good it was? Because of him, I can now listen to Soulja Boy and not want to smash my head against the wall. I now picture Dwight dancing in a club smashing into people. Kenny kept saying that the Superman and double tap dunks were in the top 5 all time. I care to disagree with Mr. Smith. Did you see his first one? His head was behind the backboard when he dunked it. I think I was more impressed that he avoided smashing his head into the backboard (that’s probably because it the one way I never had to worry about getting a concussion). I was also impressed by him getting the cheerleader involved considering he knocked one of them up, and thus providing ample jokes for me. Like shooting fish in a barrel.
Gerald Green took over Howard’s spot last year by getting screwed by the judges. His birthday dunk would have made the crowd go bananas if he hadn’t followed Howard. And it took me until this morning to realize how impressive his dunk with no shoes on was. Mostly because I slid on my bathroom floor.
As for the rest of the night, I enjoyed Magic saying, “Let’s agree to disagree” to Chuck when they were both agreeing that Green’s dunk should have gotten a higher score. Also, Rahsard McCants’ neck tat was entertaining. I couldn’t tell if YBG stands for “Young, Black, Ghetto” or “Young, Black, Gangta”. Either way, it’s tremendous. Is it a prison tat? Maybe he got it at UNC (ok, I’m done with obscure ACC references). And finally, I decided that if I ever got rich, after I made it rain Pacman Jones style and hiring Jimmy King to manage my investments, I’m then setting up a fund to ensure that Dikembe Mutumbo can attend all All-Star Saturday Nights for the remainder of his life. Sports Guy has mentioned it, but Dikembe’s presence alone makes the Dunk Contest at least 3 times more fun. They should have a camera on him at all times. You hear that Melchionni, that man knows how to proposition young coeds for sex. You should learn from the master. And on that note, I’m going to go start looking for a shrink because these last thousand words pretty much ensure I’m at least partly insane.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Valentine's Day
It’s been a surprisingly good Valentine’s Day here at the Barney Show. Yesterday, someone asked what they should get their girlfriend and I deadpanned, “Get them something a girl would like. Like a banjo.” (Is that a Freakazoid reference? Fuck and yes. That show was the shit.) He looked at me like I had four heads. Then I told someone I’d get them a card that said, “I Choo-Choo-Choose You” and it brought down the house. When you work with people that haven’t hundreds of hours watching the Simpsons, most of the time they look at you when you make references. Occasionally, they think you came up with that on your own. That was one of those occasions. They were even thought I made them a card when I just did a google image search on “Ralph Wiggum Valentine” and printed it out.
Anyway, it’s a really good day because look who dropped to # 6 in this mock draft:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/don_banks/02/14/mock.draft2.part1/index.html?eref=T1
Anyway, it’s a really good day because look who dropped to # 6 in this mock draft:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/writers/don_banks/02/14/mock.draft2.part1/index.html?eref=T1
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Texas Toast
It’s really time for another Texas Toast column? Does anyone still read these? I keep thinking I’ll run out of stupid things to say, but I don’t. Anyway, I’m back from Texas after spending three days there for my daughter’s birthday. As usual, we’re doing quotes.
“Straight cash, homey” – Randy Moss
This isn’t a quote about Randy Moss as much as it is about the website built around that quote about poor jersey choices. You know those Patriots 19-0, Super Bowl champs t-shirts they made before the game and are now off to Africa? Apparently, they don’t do that for politics. I flew out of DC this time and they have the souvenir stuff, a lot of which is centered around the upcoming election. They had a Rudy 08 t-shirt for $2.99. Why anyone would purchase that except as a joke is beyond me. Actually, scratch that, because I’m seriously considering buying one on my way home just for a cheap laugh. $2.99 is a bargain.
Speaking of Rudy, I’ve figured out the sports equivalent of his campaign. It’s as if he had a stud 3 year old horse and decided to not have him race until the Preakness. And then after a poor showing in the Preakness, sending him out to stud. It makes no sense whatsoever. (Hooray, I’ve finally worked a horse racing reference into a TT episode without making fun of Texas.)
“Smokey, you been eating corn?” - Friday
Here’s a piece of advice for all of you: If your child has an important day tomorrow and they’ll need to be dressed up, never allow them to eat Mexican food the night before. Because things could get messy. And no one likes that.
“Oh, my neck, my back, my neck and my back. Oh, I want $150,000, but we can settle out of court right now for twenty bucks.” - Friday
If you didn’t know by now, I am the most injury prone person alive (and yes, that was my second quote from the crackhead from Friday). To further reinforce this fact, I was injured during a game of piñata. Allow me to explain. Being fairly certain I was the only person in the room with a college degree, never mind one in engineering, I was put in charge of setting up the piñata. This would be a challenge since I only had a really long piece of a material that would best be described as hair scrunchy. So I rigged this thing up and it worked. Of course, they didn’t mention before I did this that it would have to be adjustable. So I’m suddenly thrust into the middle of the party with 15 kids bouncing off the walls ready to pound this piñata, so I can adjust the height. Of course, everyone is ready to go, and they’ve already given the baseball bat to a 3 year old who has no control over this Louisville Slugger (it was actually a LS), and is swinging it randomly. And of course, this bat connects directly on the top of my tibula, on the bone, right below my knee, while I’m not looking down, but up at the piñata. . Only the worst place to be hit. So I had a minor bruise on my leg from a game of piñata. I really hate my luck sometimes.
“Now you’re all in big, big trouble.” – Billy Madison
Following the party, we went to the park with the kids. A basketball game broke out, and I was touching a ball for the first time in a year. Despite my injury, I was playing. The teams split up between kids and adults evenly. It started off with me being mildly competitive, but this was ratcheted up once my baby mama’s boyfriend started playing. Now my ethics would not allow me to score in a game involving kids. But that did not stop me from turning into bizzaro Reggie Miller. I did everything but shoot. Rebounds, I’m all over the place. Hitting the open man, doing that (I was getting especially annoyed at the 11 year old who couldn’t complete my hockey assists. C’mon, can’t you keep the ball moving?). Setting back picks on unsuspecting defenders when they’re man was driving, I might have done some of that (but none to little kids). All in all, my team won, Fun Guy proved he sucked at sports, and I proved my point. Do not fuck with vindictive Barney.
“You beer money, I’m all year money.” – Jay-Z
And to further prove a point, we went out to dinner afterwards, and I whipped out the Gold Amex to make douche over there feel worse. Didn’t say anything, but at that point, I didn’t need to. “No, I don’t have any issues with the cost of health insurance. I can afford it for myself and my daughter. Sucks for you. Oh, you only have cash? How I just put it all on my card? Oh, this gold one, it’s nothing. I’m sure you’ll have one someday.” There aren’t many that are as spiteful as me. (Kudos to Hov for making the definite song about what’s balling and what’s not. (Though I’m not balling by any means. Maybe I’m balling in East Texas, but not anywhere else.) “What’s the difference between a 4.0 and a 4.6? Like 30 to 40 grand cocksucker, beat it.” Just classic. You could cut off one of my legs for the ability to truthfully say that to someone.)
“We have both county and western.” – The Blues Brothers
You know what I like about going out to this place for dinner? The only beers they have on tap are Bud Light, Miller Light, and Coors Light. I think the fourth choice was having a mainline directly from the urinal. So when I ordered an exotic beer like Budweiser, I could only get it in a bottle. I’m really looking forward to moving down here. It will add an extra degree of hostility to my episodes.
“If you do move down here, I see you getting a one bedroom apartment, and the sports package on cable. You’ll come home every night, watch tv and drink beers. Actually, it’ll probably be liquor. And you’ll sober up every other weekend or whenever you’re watching her. That’s what I see your life being if you move down here.” – My BM (exact words)
In addition to that dynamite advice on babies and Mexican food, I’ll give you this as well: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, do anything with a woman who’s studying to be or already is a psychologist. They will know things about your life you didn’t even know. Unless you’re a genius like my brother J-Man avoid them at all costs.
“They see me rollin’, they hating, patrolling, and tryna catch me ridin’ dirty.” – Chamillionaire
That quote right there made my spell check hate life. Anyway, on my way to the airport to go home, I stop off and get me a 200 of Jack, to ward off the inevitable depression that starts to sink in when I realize I’m about to not see my daughter for a month or two. I plan on drinking about half of it on the way to the airport, which is only like 2 drinks or so, so I’ll be fine. I take my first sip and am driving about 85 with the speed limit being 70. Don’t you know it, but the 5-0 pull me over. Paranoid that they’ll smell alcohol on my breath (Don’t worry, I put the open container in my backpack which I kept in the front seat just in case this happened. Hooray contingency plans for dumb decisions.), I quickly drink the remainder of my coffee. I handle everything well, and end up just getting a speeding ticket (fuckin’ PoPo). I even got a, “Thank you for your courtesy,” from Mr. Texas’s Finest. So combine that with my trespassing on the beach charge, and I think I have a bigger criminal record than half the rappers in the game. So I have that going for me at least.
Being that I’m a highly intelligent person, I take the bottle back out 5 miles down the road, to “calm my nerves.” (At least that’s how I justified it to my alcohol craving mind.) And what do I do then? Drop the cap behind the seat where I can’t find it. Do I make a sound decision and pull over at the next exit, find the cap and not drink again until I get to the airport? Of course not. I merely leave the open container in the paper bag its in, and put it in between my legs to keep it upright. Seriously, don’t do this at home. I’m a seasoned professional alcoholic.
“And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.” – Tommy Boy
In a final blast of my bad luck, the plane going home was delayed while they did some minor mechanical work before departure. This is pretty normal. What isn’t is the truck brought in to do this work breaking down right behind the airplane. So the airplane was good to go, but couldn’t move anywhere with a 5 ton truck sitting right behind its wing. I felt like standing up and apologizing to the entire plane for this being my fault.
“Say what you want about Mike. Mike black, but Mike rich.” – Michael Irvin
Michael Irvin now has a radio show on in Dallas. And it pretty much met every expectation I had in the 15 minutes I caught on Monday. They were talking about Roger Clemens’ wife taking HGH and Mike was against it. Not because of the health issues but because when he’s, “Feeling a woman’s stomach, I don’t want to feel no muscles.” He then proceeded to give us other details. The other host kept saying he’d be for it as long as it was under a doctor’s supervision. He said this numerous times. When they came back from commercial, Michael insisted he never said anything about a doctor. Cocaine’s a hell of a drug. So yeah, it was an entertaining show from the Playmaker.
And on that note, I’ll wrap this up. Don’t want anyone else thinking I’m a role model or something.
“Straight cash, homey” – Randy Moss
This isn’t a quote about Randy Moss as much as it is about the website built around that quote about poor jersey choices. You know those Patriots 19-0, Super Bowl champs t-shirts they made before the game and are now off to Africa? Apparently, they don’t do that for politics. I flew out of DC this time and they have the souvenir stuff, a lot of which is centered around the upcoming election. They had a Rudy 08 t-shirt for $2.99. Why anyone would purchase that except as a joke is beyond me. Actually, scratch that, because I’m seriously considering buying one on my way home just for a cheap laugh. $2.99 is a bargain.
Speaking of Rudy, I’ve figured out the sports equivalent of his campaign. It’s as if he had a stud 3 year old horse and decided to not have him race until the Preakness. And then after a poor showing in the Preakness, sending him out to stud. It makes no sense whatsoever. (Hooray, I’ve finally worked a horse racing reference into a TT episode without making fun of Texas.)
“Smokey, you been eating corn?” - Friday
Here’s a piece of advice for all of you: If your child has an important day tomorrow and they’ll need to be dressed up, never allow them to eat Mexican food the night before. Because things could get messy. And no one likes that.
“Oh, my neck, my back, my neck and my back. Oh, I want $150,000, but we can settle out of court right now for twenty bucks.” - Friday
If you didn’t know by now, I am the most injury prone person alive (and yes, that was my second quote from the crackhead from Friday). To further reinforce this fact, I was injured during a game of piñata. Allow me to explain. Being fairly certain I was the only person in the room with a college degree, never mind one in engineering, I was put in charge of setting up the piñata. This would be a challenge since I only had a really long piece of a material that would best be described as hair scrunchy. So I rigged this thing up and it worked. Of course, they didn’t mention before I did this that it would have to be adjustable. So I’m suddenly thrust into the middle of the party with 15 kids bouncing off the walls ready to pound this piñata, so I can adjust the height. Of course, everyone is ready to go, and they’ve already given the baseball bat to a 3 year old who has no control over this Louisville Slugger (it was actually a LS), and is swinging it randomly. And of course, this bat connects directly on the top of my tibula, on the bone, right below my knee, while I’m not looking down, but up at the piñata. . Only the worst place to be hit. So I had a minor bruise on my leg from a game of piñata. I really hate my luck sometimes.
“Now you’re all in big, big trouble.” – Billy Madison
Following the party, we went to the park with the kids. A basketball game broke out, and I was touching a ball for the first time in a year. Despite my injury, I was playing. The teams split up between kids and adults evenly. It started off with me being mildly competitive, but this was ratcheted up once my baby mama’s boyfriend started playing. Now my ethics would not allow me to score in a game involving kids. But that did not stop me from turning into bizzaro Reggie Miller. I did everything but shoot. Rebounds, I’m all over the place. Hitting the open man, doing that (I was getting especially annoyed at the 11 year old who couldn’t complete my hockey assists. C’mon, can’t you keep the ball moving?). Setting back picks on unsuspecting defenders when they’re man was driving, I might have done some of that (but none to little kids). All in all, my team won, Fun Guy proved he sucked at sports, and I proved my point. Do not fuck with vindictive Barney.
“You beer money, I’m all year money.” – Jay-Z
And to further prove a point, we went out to dinner afterwards, and I whipped out the Gold Amex to make douche over there feel worse. Didn’t say anything, but at that point, I didn’t need to. “No, I don’t have any issues with the cost of health insurance. I can afford it for myself and my daughter. Sucks for you. Oh, you only have cash? How I just put it all on my card? Oh, this gold one, it’s nothing. I’m sure you’ll have one someday.” There aren’t many that are as spiteful as me. (Kudos to Hov for making the definite song about what’s balling and what’s not. (Though I’m not balling by any means. Maybe I’m balling in East Texas, but not anywhere else.) “What’s the difference between a 4.0 and a 4.6? Like 30 to 40 grand cocksucker, beat it.” Just classic. You could cut off one of my legs for the ability to truthfully say that to someone.)
“We have both county and western.” – The Blues Brothers
You know what I like about going out to this place for dinner? The only beers they have on tap are Bud Light, Miller Light, and Coors Light. I think the fourth choice was having a mainline directly from the urinal. So when I ordered an exotic beer like Budweiser, I could only get it in a bottle. I’m really looking forward to moving down here. It will add an extra degree of hostility to my episodes.
“If you do move down here, I see you getting a one bedroom apartment, and the sports package on cable. You’ll come home every night, watch tv and drink beers. Actually, it’ll probably be liquor. And you’ll sober up every other weekend or whenever you’re watching her. That’s what I see your life being if you move down here.” – My BM (exact words)
In addition to that dynamite advice on babies and Mexican food, I’ll give you this as well: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, do anything with a woman who’s studying to be or already is a psychologist. They will know things about your life you didn’t even know. Unless you’re a genius like my brother J-Man avoid them at all costs.
“They see me rollin’, they hating, patrolling, and tryna catch me ridin’ dirty.” – Chamillionaire
That quote right there made my spell check hate life. Anyway, on my way to the airport to go home, I stop off and get me a 200 of Jack, to ward off the inevitable depression that starts to sink in when I realize I’m about to not see my daughter for a month or two. I plan on drinking about half of it on the way to the airport, which is only like 2 drinks or so, so I’ll be fine. I take my first sip and am driving about 85 with the speed limit being 70. Don’t you know it, but the 5-0 pull me over. Paranoid that they’ll smell alcohol on my breath (Don’t worry, I put the open container in my backpack which I kept in the front seat just in case this happened. Hooray contingency plans for dumb decisions.), I quickly drink the remainder of my coffee. I handle everything well, and end up just getting a speeding ticket (fuckin’ PoPo). I even got a, “Thank you for your courtesy,” from Mr. Texas’s Finest. So combine that with my trespassing on the beach charge, and I think I have a bigger criminal record than half the rappers in the game. So I have that going for me at least.
Being that I’m a highly intelligent person, I take the bottle back out 5 miles down the road, to “calm my nerves.” (At least that’s how I justified it to my alcohol craving mind.) And what do I do then? Drop the cap behind the seat where I can’t find it. Do I make a sound decision and pull over at the next exit, find the cap and not drink again until I get to the airport? Of course not. I merely leave the open container in the paper bag its in, and put it in between my legs to keep it upright. Seriously, don’t do this at home. I’m a seasoned professional alcoholic.
“And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.” – Tommy Boy
In a final blast of my bad luck, the plane going home was delayed while they did some minor mechanical work before departure. This is pretty normal. What isn’t is the truck brought in to do this work breaking down right behind the airplane. So the airplane was good to go, but couldn’t move anywhere with a 5 ton truck sitting right behind its wing. I felt like standing up and apologizing to the entire plane for this being my fault.
“Say what you want about Mike. Mike black, but Mike rich.” – Michael Irvin
Michael Irvin now has a radio show on in Dallas. And it pretty much met every expectation I had in the 15 minutes I caught on Monday. They were talking about Roger Clemens’ wife taking HGH and Mike was against it. Not because of the health issues but because when he’s, “Feeling a woman’s stomach, I don’t want to feel no muscles.” He then proceeded to give us other details. The other host kept saying he’d be for it as long as it was under a doctor’s supervision. He said this numerous times. When they came back from commercial, Michael insisted he never said anything about a doctor. Cocaine’s a hell of a drug. So yeah, it was an entertaining show from the Playmaker.
And on that note, I’ll wrap this up. Don’t want anyone else thinking I’m a role model or something.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Zach Randolph Attacks
Whoever had January 31st in the "When Z-Bo Gets in Trouble with the Law" in the pool, you win. Contact me to collect your winnings. Hoop Family, y'all.
http://www.portlandtribune.com/sports/story.php?story_id=120276571974463000
It's actually tamer than I thought it would be and didn't involve strippers. Oh well.
http://www.portlandtribune.com/sports/story.php?story_id=120276571974463000
It's actually tamer than I thought it would be and didn't involve strippers. Oh well.
Where's $856,000 When You Need It
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=716821
Can you imagine me with Spreewell's yacht? I think I'd want this more than Michael Vick's house.
Can you imagine me with Spreewell's yacht? I think I'd want this more than Michael Vick's house.
NBA Midseason Review - Western Conference
Last week we brought you the mid season Eastern Conference review. After a long delay, we’re back with the Western Conference counterpoint. Keep in mind this is being written while 35,000 feet above the nothingness that is the Midwest, which is not exactly conducive to inspiration for an NBA column. So if it sucks, you’ll know why.
1. Golden State – Just when I thought they had reached their peak by electing Stephen Jackson captain and then playing a lot better ball when he returned from his strip club shooting suspension (say that three times fast), they go and sign Chris Webber. Regardless of how this helps them on the court, it has led to a 8,413% increase (I’ve done the math) in the number of times they’ve shown Webber’s behind the back dunk on Barkley, which might be my favorite non Jordan or Kemp dunk of all time. For two reasons: First, it inspired the epic Nike barbershop commercial where they asked Chris what Chuck said to him afterwards. “I don’t believe in role models, but you’re mine.” What a great commercial. And second, immediately after Chris pulled this off, I tried to go behind the back in a CYO playoff game. The refs were so stunned, they disregarded the blatant travel and called the foul on the bewildered defender who just flailed at me in confusion (that might have been the single best sentence I’ve written on this blog. And you think I’m kidding.). This was the best And 1 move I had until I discovered the Ed Cota (my all time favorite college player by the way, who might get a tribute episode about him at some point) behind the back pass to yourself on a 2 on 1 break move. I’ve been able to pull that off several times successfully (Sorry, I forgot this was supposed to be an NBA column and not a basketball column about injured D3 point guards. I’ll continue as promised).Also, Baron Davis started reviewing movies. So that keeps them in contention with the Knicks, who will now be without Starbury for the rest of the season. Don’t count the Warriors out just yet.
2. Suns – This is based just off their recent acquisition of Shaq and the nickname he will give himself when he finds out Amare has Black Jesus tatted on his neck. Also, when Shawn Marion was asking to get traded in the off season, his wikipedia page briefly said that he loved white women and wanted out of Phoenix because he had exhausted his supply in Arizona. See this is the cutting edge scouting analysis you only get on The Barney Show. Steve Kerr has to be the funniest GM in the league if your going to laugh with one and not at one. Oh, and Stephen A. Smith cancelled doing a blog about Obama to do it on the Shaq trade. Though SAS has been on MSNBC during the primaries, so he might have some good political insight along with Cheese Doodles.
3. Kings – Ron Ron hasn’t been himself this year. He’s done some wacky things, but its all a prelude to this summer when he ops out of his contract and signs the mid level exception with this Knicks. Also, Brad Miller injured his finger while doing dishes. SPENCER HAWES has had no effect on this team as far as I can see. Oh, and Mike Bibby got awarded the worst tattoo in the league, which was an impressive feat. If Shaq doesn’t do Shaq things in Phoenix, they’ll move up to # 2 in the West.
4. Hornets – Remember last week when I said that the West was the superior conference in the Barney standings? I might have to take that back. There are a lot of teams that just take care of business night in and night out. But Chris “Birdman” Anderson’s suspension ended last week, so if he goes back to his old team, expect hilarity to ensue.
(We’ll now pause because I really think someone doesn’t want me to write this episode. Since I’ve started, I’ve had to close my laptop to look for a pen the kid in front of me lost and my Microsoft Word just crashed. If it hadn’t been restored, I would have just said fuck it, I’m not redoing those 600 words again.)
5. Memphis – For getting comically shafted by Mitch Kupcheck in the Gasol trade as well as their ability to purchase replica jerseys of every member of their team (I think Brian Cardinal is available), but not Rudy Gay. Because sometimes I have the humor of a 12 year old.
6. San Antonio – Upgraded their roster by trading for Damon “Weed in tinfoil through an airport” Stoudemire. I just picture him asking Duncan if he wants to get high and Timmy thinking about it and Popovich pops into his head with a disapproving look. I’m the only one that pictures that? Oh, ok, sorry. I apologize profusely. The Spurs will be an early playoff exit though because ABC/ESPN will repeatedly show Eva Longoria on the game and it will make me want to throw something at my TV.
7. Minnesota – Man, this was a stretch to find another West team that has entertained me, but I forgot the internet campaign to get Antoine Walker voted into the All Star game only because he’s Antoine Freakin’ Walker. He should be invited to every All Star game as an honorary guest, no matter if he’s only averaging 6 points a game.
8. Lakers – Here’s a team that’s Barney performance is just like it’s on court performance. No matter how bad the Lakers are (and they might be the best team in the League this year, but pretend their bad for this example), you’ll always have a game because of Kobe. No matter how unfunny the team is, how I haven’t really used the Bill Walton talking to Luke voice, you’ll always have jokes about Kobe’s trip to Colorado to fall back on. There were rumors of me going out to Colorado for business purposes and I was seeing how close Eagle county was to where I would be going. I’d treat that hotel like a national landmark.
Anyway, that’s my take on the West.
1. Golden State – Just when I thought they had reached their peak by electing Stephen Jackson captain and then playing a lot better ball when he returned from his strip club shooting suspension (say that three times fast), they go and sign Chris Webber. Regardless of how this helps them on the court, it has led to a 8,413% increase (I’ve done the math) in the number of times they’ve shown Webber’s behind the back dunk on Barkley, which might be my favorite non Jordan or Kemp dunk of all time. For two reasons: First, it inspired the epic Nike barbershop commercial where they asked Chris what Chuck said to him afterwards. “I don’t believe in role models, but you’re mine.” What a great commercial. And second, immediately after Chris pulled this off, I tried to go behind the back in a CYO playoff game. The refs were so stunned, they disregarded the blatant travel and called the foul on the bewildered defender who just flailed at me in confusion (that might have been the single best sentence I’ve written on this blog. And you think I’m kidding.). This was the best And 1 move I had until I discovered the Ed Cota (my all time favorite college player by the way, who might get a tribute episode about him at some point) behind the back pass to yourself on a 2 on 1 break move. I’ve been able to pull that off several times successfully (Sorry, I forgot this was supposed to be an NBA column and not a basketball column about injured D3 point guards. I’ll continue as promised).Also, Baron Davis started reviewing movies. So that keeps them in contention with the Knicks, who will now be without Starbury for the rest of the season. Don’t count the Warriors out just yet.
2. Suns – This is based just off their recent acquisition of Shaq and the nickname he will give himself when he finds out Amare has Black Jesus tatted on his neck. Also, when Shawn Marion was asking to get traded in the off season, his wikipedia page briefly said that he loved white women and wanted out of Phoenix because he had exhausted his supply in Arizona. See this is the cutting edge scouting analysis you only get on The Barney Show. Steve Kerr has to be the funniest GM in the league if your going to laugh with one and not at one. Oh, and Stephen A. Smith cancelled doing a blog about Obama to do it on the Shaq trade. Though SAS has been on MSNBC during the primaries, so he might have some good political insight along with Cheese Doodles.
3. Kings – Ron Ron hasn’t been himself this year. He’s done some wacky things, but its all a prelude to this summer when he ops out of his contract and signs the mid level exception with this Knicks. Also, Brad Miller injured his finger while doing dishes. SPENCER HAWES has had no effect on this team as far as I can see. Oh, and Mike Bibby got awarded the worst tattoo in the league, which was an impressive feat. If Shaq doesn’t do Shaq things in Phoenix, they’ll move up to # 2 in the West.
4. Hornets – Remember last week when I said that the West was the superior conference in the Barney standings? I might have to take that back. There are a lot of teams that just take care of business night in and night out. But Chris “Birdman” Anderson’s suspension ended last week, so if he goes back to his old team, expect hilarity to ensue.
(We’ll now pause because I really think someone doesn’t want me to write this episode. Since I’ve started, I’ve had to close my laptop to look for a pen the kid in front of me lost and my Microsoft Word just crashed. If it hadn’t been restored, I would have just said fuck it, I’m not redoing those 600 words again.)
5. Memphis – For getting comically shafted by Mitch Kupcheck in the Gasol trade as well as their ability to purchase replica jerseys of every member of their team (I think Brian Cardinal is available), but not Rudy Gay. Because sometimes I have the humor of a 12 year old.
6. San Antonio – Upgraded their roster by trading for Damon “Weed in tinfoil through an airport” Stoudemire. I just picture him asking Duncan if he wants to get high and Timmy thinking about it and Popovich pops into his head with a disapproving look. I’m the only one that pictures that? Oh, ok, sorry. I apologize profusely. The Spurs will be an early playoff exit though because ABC/ESPN will repeatedly show Eva Longoria on the game and it will make me want to throw something at my TV.
7. Minnesota – Man, this was a stretch to find another West team that has entertained me, but I forgot the internet campaign to get Antoine Walker voted into the All Star game only because he’s Antoine Freakin’ Walker. He should be invited to every All Star game as an honorary guest, no matter if he’s only averaging 6 points a game.
8. Lakers – Here’s a team that’s Barney performance is just like it’s on court performance. No matter how bad the Lakers are (and they might be the best team in the League this year, but pretend their bad for this example), you’ll always have a game because of Kobe. No matter how unfunny the team is, how I haven’t really used the Bill Walton talking to Luke voice, you’ll always have jokes about Kobe’s trip to Colorado to fall back on. There were rumors of me going out to Colorado for business purposes and I was seeing how close Eagle county was to where I would be going. I’d treat that hotel like a national landmark.
Anyway, that’s my take on the West.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Random Stuff
Before I head out of town for a few days to good ol’ Texas, I wanted to leave the readers with a few random things so you don’t think I’m passed out on Note that I wrote a post on the primaries. This was suggested to me by a reader who wanted to know what Barney thought of the political process. If any of you have anything you’d want Barney’s opinion feel free to ask. (As if you actually care what I think about anything besides whiskey recommendations. But feel free to ask. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure you won’t overwhelm me).
After a few days to review it, I actually like the Shaq trade from the Suns perspective. I think they realized that they had gone as far as they could with their current nucleus and wouldn’t get to the Finals this year without a trade. And that was before Shawn Marion was a malcontent. If anyone has any doubt about this, please read “7 Seconds or Less”. Shaq will now be motivated, so I imagine he’ll be playing better. And even if this doesn’t work from a basketball perspective, I think it has great comedy potential. I can’t wait until Shaq takes Amare under his wing and realizes he has “Black Jesus” tatted on his neck. I’m also realizing that not only did Shaq win the genetic lottery by being 7’1”, he hit the lottery in terms of playing in the best places: LA, Miami and now Phoenix. I’m jealous.
In other NBA news, we have an early leader for this year Best Quote to a Coworker That Reveals I Follow Sports Way Too Much. This one comes when I was talking to LA, who gets press passes for some Wizards games. She still hasn’t asked a question I want, but she did get to interview Kobe last weekend.
LA: “So I asked Kobe a question and he answered it in the most boring way and didn’t even look at me.”Barney: “I’m pretty sure Kobe’s wife doesn’t let him even look at white women at this point.”
That didn’t go over so well.
In work related stuff, I was all set to make a big presentation in front of executives at the 8732 (Yes, I’m using a Young Jeezy reference to avoid letting you know where I actually work). I had my suit and tie game on lock, and was ready to step my career up to the next level. I was in the conference room all set to go, but was then told some of the topics were sensitive and that it would be inappropriate that I sit in on them. So they had me sit in a supply closet waiting for my turn to speak. Sitting in a supply closet, in the dark, was pretty humbling. And after I was done explaining their own system to them, I was asked to leave again. So fuck you, 8732. Not your crew Jeezy, the real 8732.
Finally, it’s always fun to see that I’m on one of the drugs Heath Ledger OD’d on. I might want to watch combining it with copious amounts of alcohol. But I probably won’t.
Be back next week with the midseason Western Conference review and a brand spanking new Texas Toast. I’m going to be at a birthday party with 30 kids under age 9. It’s going to be a fun time. And by fun, I mean, I might commit seppuku.
After a few days to review it, I actually like the Shaq trade from the Suns perspective. I think they realized that they had gone as far as they could with their current nucleus and wouldn’t get to the Finals this year without a trade. And that was before Shawn Marion was a malcontent. If anyone has any doubt about this, please read “7 Seconds or Less”. Shaq will now be motivated, so I imagine he’ll be playing better. And even if this doesn’t work from a basketball perspective, I think it has great comedy potential. I can’t wait until Shaq takes Amare under his wing and realizes he has “Black Jesus” tatted on his neck. I’m also realizing that not only did Shaq win the genetic lottery by being 7’1”, he hit the lottery in terms of playing in the best places: LA, Miami and now Phoenix. I’m jealous.
In other NBA news, we have an early leader for this year Best Quote to a Coworker That Reveals I Follow Sports Way Too Much. This one comes when I was talking to LA, who gets press passes for some Wizards games. She still hasn’t asked a question I want, but she did get to interview Kobe last weekend.
LA: “So I asked Kobe a question and he answered it in the most boring way and didn’t even look at me.”Barney: “I’m pretty sure Kobe’s wife doesn’t let him even look at white women at this point.”
That didn’t go over so well.
In work related stuff, I was all set to make a big presentation in front of executives at the 8732 (Yes, I’m using a Young Jeezy reference to avoid letting you know where I actually work). I had my suit and tie game on lock, and was ready to step my career up to the next level. I was in the conference room all set to go, but was then told some of the topics were sensitive and that it would be inappropriate that I sit in on them. So they had me sit in a supply closet waiting for my turn to speak. Sitting in a supply closet, in the dark, was pretty humbling. And after I was done explaining their own system to them, I was asked to leave again. So fuck you, 8732. Not your crew Jeezy, the real 8732.
Finally, it’s always fun to see that I’m on one of the drugs Heath Ledger OD’d on. I might want to watch combining it with copious amounts of alcohol. But I probably won’t.
Be back next week with the midseason Western Conference review and a brand spanking new Texas Toast. I’m going to be at a birthday party with 30 kids under age 9. It’s going to be a fun time. And by fun, I mean, I might commit seppuku.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
You Might Be Dead to Me
If this goes through, Hoboken is dead to me. It takes a lot for me to disown a town that has 50 bars in one square mile, but this is too much for me to take.
http://hoboken411.com/archives/10473
http://hoboken411.com/archives/10473
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Barney's Guide to the Primaries
Since football is over and I’m always looking for new ways to waste your time, I’m now going to delve into a new topic: politics. One of my readers was a little confused about these primaries going on and wanted me to break each candidate down in ways they could understand: namely, basketball, football and rap music references. I’ll do them one better and throw in a Rocky reference for good measure.
First off, what are the primaries? The primaries are a series of votes done by states to select delegates. These delegates then vote for a particular candidate at each party’s convention. Now here’s where it gets tricky. Each state has its own rules and can select delegates however it wants. Some have winner takes all delegates, others divide them proportionately, others do a caucus (I have no idea how that works). Basically the system designed to get our Presidential candidates was designed by the same people who designed college football. Now that you have that background (AP American Government, what?), we can proceed to the candidates. Let’s start with the Democrats:
Hillary Clinton = Apollo Creed
Both were heavily favored going into their “fights”. Hillary had name recognition and Apollo was well known enough to wear stars and striped shorts on the bicentennial. And then it started. Picture Mrs. Clinton’s campaign manager screaming at her, “He thinks it’s a fight.” And now, just like Apollo, she’s in for the fight of her life. Will this be Rocky and she wins by split decision, or will this be Rocky 2 where they both knock each other out, but she can’t get up?
I enjoyed doing this comparison because I imagined Mrs. Creed getting plowed by the pool boy while Apollo was training Rocky in Los Angeles. And I don’t think Hillary would yell, “Throw in the towel,” if Bill was getting pummeled by a Russian. You won’t find that hard hitting analysis on any other network people.
Barack Obama = Jason Williams
Both of them came out of relative obscurity and burst onto the national stage in a short amount of time (Obama at the DNC and J Will out of Florida at only the 2nd pick). Both of them amazed people with their skills that another race should have (White Chocolate’s playground passes and Obama’s ability to “Speak well.” (I keep going back to Chris Rock’s points about Colin Powell as a Presidential candidate). You can’t mention them without talking about their race. Both have admitted (through drug test or other ways) to doing illegal drugs.
Now we’ll see if Obama follows J Will’s steps and regresses. If this leads to the first Pres with knuckle tattoos them I’m all for it.
(Can I get bonus points for being the first person to compare Hillary to a black man and Oboma to a white guy?)
John Edwards = That guy at a party who tries to hard to be cool
Everyone knows that guy at the party: tries to hard to be cool, wears the latest outfits, and really at the end of the night, will settle for having to score with second class pussy. And that Edwards, he spends $800 on a haircut and he’s really gunning for the VP position. Nothing wrong with that.
Now onto the Republicans:
John McCain = Eli Manning
Back in October, these guys were dead. McCain was saying the Diamondbacks, down 2-0 had a better chance of beating the Rockies in the NLCS than he did of winning the nomination. Eli was having negative passer rating days. Now, they’re they motherfucking shit. And I have no idea why. This comparison also works because the national media likes them more than their own fans. Conservatives question McCain all the time and Giants fans will never trust Eli, even with a Super Bowl ring. It’s even a better comparison if you picture Elisha in a Vietnamese POW camp. And Archie calling the embassy trying to get him back.
Mike Huckabee = Big Ten Football
Both of these really have no chance on the national scene. They’re confined to a certain geographical area and that’s it (Big Ten to the Rust Belt, Huckabee to the Bible Belt). They have trouble grasping modern concepts (see the Big Ten’s inability to stop the spread offense and Huckabee campaigning to scrap the Constitution for the Bible). And both fuck shit up for everyone else. Romney is losing lots of conservatives to this guy who won’t win, just like USC or Georgia were denied a shot at a national title because Ohio St had to play in it because they played exactly 0 good teams all year.
Mitt Romney = Jay-Z’s “Kingdom Come” album
Both have come from the boardroom to the save their movements. Mitt is supposed to be the conservative’s choice in these primaries. Jay was supposed to save hip hop with this album. Neither went to well. Just like conservatives are a little suspicious of Romney’s conservative credentials when he was governor of Massachusetts, rap fans were suspicious of Hov’s new content. “Coldplay? Where’s DJ Premier?” “Free market? He instituted mandatory health care in Massachusetts?” The only difference here is if people secretly didn’t buy Jay’s album not because it wasn’t good, but because he was Mormon. And they didn’t want to tell anyone.
Rudy Giuliani = 2003 Shaquille O’Neal
“Off season conditioning? Training camp? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in the playoffs.” “Iowa? New Hampshire? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in Florida.” Both tried to play up their images (Most Dominant of All Time and America’s Mayor) instead of actually doing work. And both ended up losing in the end. Except Rudy’s concession speech didn’t include Kobe crying on national TV. Oh well.
I hope that when you go into a voting booth, my careful analysis proves helpful to you.
First off, what are the primaries? The primaries are a series of votes done by states to select delegates. These delegates then vote for a particular candidate at each party’s convention. Now here’s where it gets tricky. Each state has its own rules and can select delegates however it wants. Some have winner takes all delegates, others divide them proportionately, others do a caucus (I have no idea how that works). Basically the system designed to get our Presidential candidates was designed by the same people who designed college football. Now that you have that background (AP American Government, what?), we can proceed to the candidates. Let’s start with the Democrats:
Hillary Clinton = Apollo Creed
Both were heavily favored going into their “fights”. Hillary had name recognition and Apollo was well known enough to wear stars and striped shorts on the bicentennial. And then it started. Picture Mrs. Clinton’s campaign manager screaming at her, “He thinks it’s a fight.” And now, just like Apollo, she’s in for the fight of her life. Will this be Rocky and she wins by split decision, or will this be Rocky 2 where they both knock each other out, but she can’t get up?
I enjoyed doing this comparison because I imagined Mrs. Creed getting plowed by the pool boy while Apollo was training Rocky in Los Angeles. And I don’t think Hillary would yell, “Throw in the towel,” if Bill was getting pummeled by a Russian. You won’t find that hard hitting analysis on any other network people.
Barack Obama = Jason Williams
Both of them came out of relative obscurity and burst onto the national stage in a short amount of time (Obama at the DNC and J Will out of Florida at only the 2nd pick). Both of them amazed people with their skills that another race should have (White Chocolate’s playground passes and Obama’s ability to “Speak well.” (I keep going back to Chris Rock’s points about Colin Powell as a Presidential candidate). You can’t mention them without talking about their race. Both have admitted (through drug test or other ways) to doing illegal drugs.
Now we’ll see if Obama follows J Will’s steps and regresses. If this leads to the first Pres with knuckle tattoos them I’m all for it.
(Can I get bonus points for being the first person to compare Hillary to a black man and Oboma to a white guy?)
John Edwards = That guy at a party who tries to hard to be cool
Everyone knows that guy at the party: tries to hard to be cool, wears the latest outfits, and really at the end of the night, will settle for having to score with second class pussy. And that Edwards, he spends $800 on a haircut and he’s really gunning for the VP position. Nothing wrong with that.
Now onto the Republicans:
John McCain = Eli Manning
Back in October, these guys were dead. McCain was saying the Diamondbacks, down 2-0 had a better chance of beating the Rockies in the NLCS than he did of winning the nomination. Eli was having negative passer rating days. Now, they’re they motherfucking shit. And I have no idea why. This comparison also works because the national media likes them more than their own fans. Conservatives question McCain all the time and Giants fans will never trust Eli, even with a Super Bowl ring. It’s even a better comparison if you picture Elisha in a Vietnamese POW camp. And Archie calling the embassy trying to get him back.
Mike Huckabee = Big Ten Football
Both of these really have no chance on the national scene. They’re confined to a certain geographical area and that’s it (Big Ten to the Rust Belt, Huckabee to the Bible Belt). They have trouble grasping modern concepts (see the Big Ten’s inability to stop the spread offense and Huckabee campaigning to scrap the Constitution for the Bible). And both fuck shit up for everyone else. Romney is losing lots of conservatives to this guy who won’t win, just like USC or Georgia were denied a shot at a national title because Ohio St had to play in it because they played exactly 0 good teams all year.
Mitt Romney = Jay-Z’s “Kingdom Come” album
Both have come from the boardroom to the save their movements. Mitt is supposed to be the conservative’s choice in these primaries. Jay was supposed to save hip hop with this album. Neither went to well. Just like conservatives are a little suspicious of Romney’s conservative credentials when he was governor of Massachusetts, rap fans were suspicious of Hov’s new content. “Coldplay? Where’s DJ Premier?” “Free market? He instituted mandatory health care in Massachusetts?” The only difference here is if people secretly didn’t buy Jay’s album not because it wasn’t good, but because he was Mormon. And they didn’t want to tell anyone.
Rudy Giuliani = 2003 Shaquille O’Neal
“Off season conditioning? Training camp? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in the playoffs.” “Iowa? New Hampshire? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in Florida.” Both tried to play up their images (Most Dominant of All Time and America’s Mayor) instead of actually doing work. And both ended up losing in the end. Except Rudy’s concession speech didn’t include Kobe crying on national TV. Oh well.
I hope that when you go into a voting booth, my careful analysis proves helpful to you.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Monday Morning Hangover
That's me right now. I'm questioning everything I ever thought was true. I'll do an actual post in a few days once I figure out that the world isn't ending. Easy Motherfuckin' E. And I was so ready to do multiple Dre Day references for this episode. I can crash a bandwagon faster than anyone I know.
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