We’re back with a normal Monday Morning Hangover column. Let’s start off with the epic performance by my boy, Darren McFadden. Not only did he run for three TDs, he threw for a fourth. For most of the second half, he was the offense, taking half his snaps at QB. He even threw a 40 yard bomb because he felt like it.
Despite this, I still don’t think he deserves the Heismann. As soon as I thought, “Who else runs for TDs and throws for them?”, I immediately had an answer: Tebow. He has 20+ of each. So even I would have to give the nod to Timmy. That does not mean that I would take him before McFadden in the draft.
If Friday’s action wasn’t enough (both LSU and Arkansas were down to their final play before the 3rd OT began), Saturday kept it going. The Kentucky-Tennessee game was ridiculous. I would have more to say about the Kansas-Missouri and Auburn-Alabama but the second halves of both are kind of a haze induced by Jack, Henny, and 200 pound Spanish strippers blocking my view of the tv (Don’t ask…just another random Barney drinking story). Apparently, this will leave Missouri and West Virginia in the title game if both win this week.
I’m all for anything that gets WVa more publicity. Maybe ESPN can do a feature on couch burning. Interviews with Deion and Noel Devine discussing them living together (If Jillian Barbarie could do the interview that would be tremendous, considering she played Deion’s wife who had a HS player in a Nike commercial. In fact, this might be the greatest thing ever). I’m really hoping that either Pacman Jones or Chris Henry do the introductions for the Mountaineers. At the very least, I expect them and Kevin Pittsnoggle as the WVa sideline celebrities.
Sunday officially kicked off Christmas season in my mind. I don’t go by calendars or any other crap like that. I know its time to start looking for Christmas presents when the Giants have playoff hopes and start losing games to teams they should beat, losing mostly because of mental mistakes. Making Eli Manning jokes is what keeps me from punching people at the mall.
Tankapalooza 2007 Update:
I was a little too excited for the Arkansas-LSU game because it gave me a chance to scout both McFadden and Glen Dorsey. Dorsey’s been hurt, so I didn’t get a chance to see everything he has, but he did show heart in playing through the pain.
The Jets did their part. 34-3 losses are more like it. Unfortunately, the Rams fumbled a snap on 4th and goal from the 1 that could have given them the win. If that had happened, the Jets are locked in at # 2.
I’m also realizing that its very likely Miami will take McFadden. Ronnie Brown’s torn ACL didn’t help the Jets cause. Let’s hope that Killa Cam Cameron decides that Ricky Williams is a suitable backup.
Finally, prayers go out to Sean Taylor. His hits are one of the few reasons to watch the Redskins if Clinton Portis isn’t dressing up. This really doesn’t come as a surprise though. If you had asked me to guess which NFL player got shot, he would have been one of the first 5 I named. First Antoine Walker, then Eddy Curry, now Sean Taylor. If there’s not an Outside the Lines special on athletes getting robbed in the next two weeks, I’ll be surprised.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
The Barney Interview
We’re starting a new feature here on The Barney Show: The Barney Interview. Here’s the format: 10 questions, answered by someone of my choice and myself answering the same question. Some will be ridiculous, on others, I’ll be Baxter and cut right to the core. This episode, we interview Brock:
How do you know Barney?
Brock: How don’t I know Barney is more the question? I don’t know how I know him. I was drinking heavily at the time and he was there. Albeit at the time he was not talking and just working out really hard in the locker room. And we were all wondering why his head was so small. The real answer is that we were quasi teammates in college. I say quasi, cuz I spent freshman year on the bench Kenyon Martin street clothes style. And Sophomore year never got started as I departed from the team after the first practice. I’ll leave it to the historians debate whether I quit or was kicked off, but I was no longer a party of Herbie’s Hellions.
Barney: Complete lies I tell you. I met Brock through an international pen pal program and he was assigned to me. We connected over shared interest of croquet and Russian line dancing. I was able to secure a visa for him via the State Department and rescued him and his family from a despotic regime. He repaid me by becoming a fan of “this crazy game American football,” in particular, of the Pittsburgh Steelers because it reminded him of the barren steel mills of his home country right before the 2004 playoffs.
What is your favorite football team and why shouldn’t I make fun of them?
Brock: Pittsburgh Steelers. The 2004 Divisional playoffs. Chad Pennington was your Q for all those years. Vinnie Testaverde was under center before that. Rich Kotite was your head coach. I could keep going but I’ll stop there before Barney’s liver raises a white flag….
Barney: I was going to mention that I like Hines Ward. And give Roethlisberger credit for his alleged college exploits. He allegedly set the goal for himself to nail every girl in a sorority. When someone asked him, “Even the fat ones?” he allegedly replied, “That’s part of the challenge.” In the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But since you made a Rich Kotite reference, I’ll be forced to show a picture of the Steelers mascot, Steely McBeam. I won’t even make a joke. They write themselves.
How do you know Barney?
Brock: How don’t I know Barney is more the question? I don’t know how I know him. I was drinking heavily at the time and he was there. Albeit at the time he was not talking and just working out really hard in the locker room. And we were all wondering why his head was so small. The real answer is that we were quasi teammates in college. I say quasi, cuz I spent freshman year on the bench Kenyon Martin street clothes style. And Sophomore year never got started as I departed from the team after the first practice. I’ll leave it to the historians debate whether I quit or was kicked off, but I was no longer a party of Herbie’s Hellions.
Barney: Complete lies I tell you. I met Brock through an international pen pal program and he was assigned to me. We connected over shared interest of croquet and Russian line dancing. I was able to secure a visa for him via the State Department and rescued him and his family from a despotic regime. He repaid me by becoming a fan of “this crazy game American football,” in particular, of the Pittsburgh Steelers because it reminded him of the barren steel mills of his home country right before the 2004 playoffs.
What is your favorite football team and why shouldn’t I make fun of them?
Brock: Pittsburgh Steelers. The 2004 Divisional playoffs. Chad Pennington was your Q for all those years. Vinnie Testaverde was under center before that. Rich Kotite was your head coach. I could keep going but I’ll stop there before Barney’s liver raises a white flag….
Barney: I was going to mention that I like Hines Ward. And give Roethlisberger credit for his alleged college exploits. He allegedly set the goal for himself to nail every girl in a sorority. When someone asked him, “Even the fat ones?” he allegedly replied, “That’s part of the challenge.” In the immortal words of King Bunt, “I can respect that.” But since you made a Rich Kotite reference, I’ll be forced to show a picture of the Steelers mascot, Steely McBeam. I won’t even make a joke. They write themselves.
QED Motherfucker.
Complete this sentence: Never have I ever…
Brock: …spent an academic year hooking up with a redheaded sworn virgin until marriage with a lisp and a bad leather motorcycle jacket who was also a Broncos fan.
Barney: …come up with a response to that sentence that would give me some dignity, so I’ll take my loss like a man and cut my losses.
Who would emerge victorious in a three way steel cage death match: Chad Pennington’s shoulder, Ben Roethlisberger’s appendix or Barney’s brain?
Brock: I would say Benny’s appendix because it has actually been removed and if it made it to the ring, it would mean that it came back from the dead—Undertaker style….I just think Chad’s shoulder wouldn’t be able to throw a strong enough punch and Barne’s liver would just be too stiff to make any head room. It’d be like Andre the Giant minus any talent—kinda like that guy the Great Khali who’s in the WWF now.
Barney: I’d go with Chad Pennington’s shoulder. Here’s my plan. Instead of getting surgery done by Dr. James Andrews who knows what he’s doing, let’s go to a doctor in Chicago. It will be just like that movie “Rookie of the Year.” His shoulder will be tight and he’ll be throwing strikes from the bleachers. At this point, what do we have to lose with Chad’s arm?
If you were a member of Dip Set, which member would you be?
Brock: I would never be in the DipSet cuz I’d never have a pink Range. I’d be the guy who shot Cam.
Barney: Juelz Santana by default. Cam is like the Antoine Walker of rap. He could be so much more, but just wants to do things his own way. When Antoine was asked why he shoots so many 3’s, he said, “Because they don’t have any 4 point shots.” I can definitely see someone asking Killa Cam why he rides on 26s, and him saying, “Because they don’t have 27s.” I couldn’t be Jim Jones just because I couldn’t tell out “Flossin’” that much. Also, I’d be working on the form on my jump shots for the Ballin video. They wouldn’t be able to get to the video chicks.
Tell me a secret you’ve never told anyone else.
Brock: I still masturbate to Raquel Welch. I don’t give a fuck how old she is, that bitch is still hot.
Barney: I try to avoid bars in Georgetown. Not because they charge $8 a drink. Not because it has the highest concentration of guys in lavender polos in the world. Nope, it’s because I can’t walk into a bar there without wanting to say, “Who wants to sex Mutumbo?” Then I spend the rest of the night wondering why I didn’t say it and my night is ruined.
What was your favorite team in NBA Jam?
Brock: First response is the NYK— Ewing and Starks. But then when I think back and there’s the LJ and Zo combination and Shawn Kemp was a monster. I still have to roll with the Knicks though. Disclaimer: This is the Pre-Zeke Knicks. This is pre-LJ from the corner Knicks. This is pre-Spree Knicks. This is when the Knicks had tradition and I would love to have been in the Garden for it. Well the next best thing was playing NBA Jam.
Barney: I’d have to agree with Brock that Kemp was a beast. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could actually do NBA Jam dunks in real life. Plus, he was with the Glove. My other team was Golden State with T and C from Run TMC. There were a lot of threes going up during those games.
What’s in your version of heaven and hell?
Brock: I discovered my Hell this past Sunday. I have DirecTV Sunday NFL ticket. With my subscription I get the channel that shows 8 games at once. In one corner screen was Peyton Manning playing KC. On the screen next to it was Manning’s Priceless Peptalks commercial. On the screen next to that was his commercial with Marvin Harrison in the Dolphin tank. That is hell for THIS GUY. Hell pt. 2: driving down I-80 through Northern Pennsylvania cow pastures when you have to poop. If you think hearing water when you have to go number one, it’s 100x worse to have to make boom booms and smell nothing but cow dung for like 3 hours. Hell pt. 3: The Kevin Federline CD. In summation, my ideal hell is taking a car ride with Peyton Manning down I-80 with the K-Fed CD and a mean need to dookie. I mean what would you do then? [I bet Dante never factored any of this…] Heaven for me would be Stephon Marbury, Ron Artest, Hillary Clinton, OJ Simpson, post-jail sentence Mike Vick—with Marcus hanging out Johnny Drama style, Gary Busey, Sharon Stone and Michelle Rodriguez in the Mad Real World.
Barney: Heaven for me would be a normal life, but with bourbon in water fountains and no hangovers. Hell would be people doing the Soulja Boy dance in front of me while a tape of Dick Vitale narrating Sportscentury: JJ Reddick is playing in the background.
What should be written on yours and Barney’s epitaphs?
Brock: Mine—Only SAS needlessly yelled more than our beloved Brock.
Barney’s—Son, Brother, Friend, Illegitimate Father
Barney: Brock’s: If you want to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs.
Mine: 1982-2009. Guinness Book of World Records: World’s Hardest Liver
Give me your favorite Barney story (since I probably don’t remember it).
Brock: My favorite Barney story? I don’t know if I have a favorite since most of them end up with him assing out drunk leaving some “Awkward Looking Freshman Girl” wholly unsatisfied. I might have to go with Freshman year, night after a huge party and the entire team is hurting in the morning. We all saw Barnes leave with a chick the night before. On this particular morning, he’s the last one into the locker room and we all give him the ‘Heeeey buddy! How you feelin’?’ Barnes just sneaks a coy smile and beelines right to his locker. We were all just about to assume that he spent the entire night smashing the ALFG, when suddenly someone pipes up, ‘soooo—how’d it go?’ And the entire team focuses on Barnes to make sure his response is heard clearly. He looks up, sees all our faces and mutters, ‘I passed out.’ We all burst out in laughter and the tradition of the unsatisfied ALFG was born. Freshman girls—get ‘em while they’re skinny…
Barney: Yup, I don’t remember anything about this, except that morning. I don’t even know what year this was. Thanks for the memories.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets
The Jets may be 2-whatever. They may be unable to properly tank. But dammit, we can get some titties shown:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/20/sports/football/20fans.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin
Enjoy that. It will probably be the only time I ever link to the New York Times.
"Fuck the Times, I read The Post."
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/20/sports/football/20fans.html?_r=1&ref=sports&oref=slogin
Enjoy that. It will probably be the only time I ever link to the New York Times.
"Fuck the Times, I read The Post."
Monday, November 19, 2007
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 11
Even though he won’t win the Heisman this year, Dennis Dixon earned the “Bad Ass Mofo” award from The Barney Show this year. Him playing with a torn knee ligament and not telling anyone was my favorite moment of the college season that didn’t involve McFadden or announcers doing the Yayo dance. When I start the “Great Moment in Barney Injury History” segment, you’ll know why. He’ll be presented with this prestigious award later on. The ceremony will consist of a bottle of Jack and Henn Rock on every table and he will be presented with a replica of Jules’s wallet from “Pulp Fiction.” Woodson can do his Heisman dance all he wants; he’s got nothing on that wallet.
Tankapalooza 2007 Update:
Tankapalooza 2007 is crashing before it can even get off the ground. Though I’m not about to call it a waste just yet, beating the 3rd seed in the AFC is not what I had in mind when I started this campaign. To be fair, my ideal ending would have included Clemens taking them down the field, but having Pittsburgh winning in overtime. I guess if I’m asking to lose a certain way, I’m really asking for too much.
Though it did feel good to beat the Steelers. Only 99 more wins over them and it will make up for the loss inflicted by them in the 2005 playoffs (Fuck you Herm. I haven’t forgotten).
My favorite moment of the NFL games was Maurice Jones-Drew jacking up Shawn Merriman.
Other than that, I got nothing else to add for this week. I’ll be honest, I only watched about 12 minutes of football this week. I spent part of Saturday and all Sunday afternoon working. I turned on the Ohio St-Michigan before I realized it was Ohio St-Michigan and turned it off within 3 minutes. I know both teams suck. Why waste an hour or two proving it to me. In place of a half way decent week in review, I present this to you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POkyWhh3Ihw&eurl
Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Until next week, stay getting jacked up San Diego.
Tankapalooza 2007 Update:
Tankapalooza 2007 is crashing before it can even get off the ground. Though I’m not about to call it a waste just yet, beating the 3rd seed in the AFC is not what I had in mind when I started this campaign. To be fair, my ideal ending would have included Clemens taking them down the field, but having Pittsburgh winning in overtime. I guess if I’m asking to lose a certain way, I’m really asking for too much.
Though it did feel good to beat the Steelers. Only 99 more wins over them and it will make up for the loss inflicted by them in the 2005 playoffs (Fuck you Herm. I haven’t forgotten).
My favorite moment of the NFL games was Maurice Jones-Drew jacking up Shawn Merriman.
Other than that, I got nothing else to add for this week. I’ll be honest, I only watched about 12 minutes of football this week. I spent part of Saturday and all Sunday afternoon working. I turned on the Ohio St-Michigan before I realized it was Ohio St-Michigan and turned it off within 3 minutes. I know both teams suck. Why waste an hour or two proving it to me. In place of a half way decent week in review, I present this to you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POkyWhh3Ihw&eurl
Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Until next week, stay getting jacked up San Diego.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
American Gangster the Album
It has been a week and a half plus since Jay’s “American Gangster” album came out. I’m sure you were looking for a rushed review from Barney (I’ve been told that “Barney?...The world needs his unbiased opinion.” While you’re mulling that over, allow me to bask in some sense of accomplishment before I stupefy you over these next one thousand words), but I’m glad I didn’t. First off, I couldn’t find the right way to present this. Secondly, I’m really glad I watched some stuff on his American Gangster concert on VH1 (the first time the words “gangster” and “VH1” have been combined). Seeing Hov talk about it in his own words gave me a better idea of how I wanted to write this (Being that it’s not every day that a good hip hop album comes out. If one does, I need to write about this carefully.). So on that note, I decided that a little 20 Questions would be the best way to approach Jay-Z’s “American Gangster”.
How would you describe this album?
As Hov said in all the press releases, this is a concept album, inspired by the movie “American Gangster” (See my earlier review. My skills with the English language are too poor to describe how I really feel.). And it’s just that. Jay writes from the mind frame of a big time hustler. Not the on the block guy, the millionaire with the mansion, the yachts…inspired by Frank Lucas.
So does this album achieve that “concept”?
In three words: “Hell fucking yes.” Jay basically takes us into the mind of a gangster, capo status and above. I didn’t realize this until I saw him talking about it, but it is in three parts: the rise, the enjoyment and the fall. You basically get the entire playbook on a guy moving weight.
Is “Pain in the Ass” on this album?
If you’re a Jay-Z fan, you know Pain in the Ass. He’s the guy who does his intros up until Roc La Familia. And he magically appeared on Kingdom Come. Unfortunately, he’s not on this album. Unless they hired him to do that gawd awful Russell Crowe impersonation on the intro. Matter of fact, let’s not rule that out.
How does this album relate to the movie?
To be honest, I couldn’t separate the two. I feel that this album is a perfect companion to the movie. It’s like the soundtrack that could have been. It captures the feelings and emotions of the movie and makes me appreciate the movie that much more (very hard to do. After listening to this album, I will definitely see them movie again. That’s how much these two go together.). As long as they don’t take “Ain’t No Love” out of the trailer. That song is a fucking classic.
What’s the vibe for this album?
Definitely the 70s, fits right in line with the movie. As a guy who loves soul samples on tracks (thank you Kanye), this is my shit. So if I’m biased, you know why.
Which song doesn’t fit this vibe?
“Ignorant Shit.” Despite the fact that it samples the Isley Brothers, it doesn’t fit in with the whole concept of the album. Don’t get me wrong, I love this song. It’s one of my favorite Jay tracks of all time. I just have a bit of a problem with putting a song that came out 3 years ago on an album, adding Beans and a new verse, and it disrupting the whole album. Still a great fucking song.
Who guest appears on this album?
Just Lil’ Wayne and Beanie Siegel, so you know you’re in good hands. And Beans only gets like 8 bars on Ignorant Shit. Beyonce and Kanye are in the background on a few songs.
Who should be the angriest about this album?
Memphis Bleek. Since Roc La Familia, he’s appeared on as many Hov tracks as Lenny Kravitz and some guy from Coldplay. Coldplay even got mic checked by Kanye, so I think he’s technically ahead. Memph even had to release a single by Hov on his own album. Good thing he’s in Shawn Carter’s will.
The bad thing is I like Memph man. I think he’s gotten a raw deal in that everyone compares him to Jay. I wouldn’t have minded a “Coming of Age Pt. III” on this. In fact, he could have been the TI character from the movie.
What song am I glad came out in 2007 as opposed to 2004?
Definitely “Roc Boys.” This would have cost me $500-$1000 if it came out 3 years earlier. I was already spending too much money on free booze for people to visit my room senior year of college. If “Roc Boys” came out in 2004, me and Floyd Banks would have called ourselves “Dope Boys of the Year” and provided a lot more drinks on the house. (Note: For those of you unfamiliar, Me and Floyd Banks lived in a room called “Rock Bottom” which got turned into “The Roc” in about 3.4 seconds (as long as it took me to put the Roc La Familia album cover on the door with the diamond in the air)). There would have been a lot more freshman girls getting drunk under the poster that said, “Freshman girls, get ‘em while they’re still skinny.” (Oh irony, I missed you. Freshman girls getting drunk under a poster that tells them they’ll be discarded as soon as they become sophomores. On a related note, I really miss college.)
Wait a second. Aren’t you paying close to $700 a month in child support and health care for one of those freshman girls that you impregnated?
Touché Mr. Questionnaire. I am. I guess $500-$1000 in alcohol seems rather pedestrian in hindsight.
This is your eventual lawyer talking. Do you want to amend that statement?
Yes I do. All joking aside, I’d pay $7000 a month if I had to. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Are you ever going to get back to talking about this album or is it just going to morph into another depressing monologue like most Barney episodes become?
Alright Mr. Questionnaire, I’ve had about enough of your shit. Let’s get back to reviewing the album.
What’s the worst song on the album?
“I Know” easily. It took me a week to figure out that this was a metaphor for heroin. Plus it sounds like something that got taken out of Blueprint 2.
What’s your favorite track on the album?
I’d have to go with “Success”. This one speaks to me because I too am semi-successful (no I’m not), but wish I weren’t. “Truth be told, I had more fun when I was piss poor,” not a truer sentence has been uttered. I’m not quite at the point where I have cars that I don’t bring out (I drive a Chevy fuckin’ Lumina for fuck’s sake), but I do feel the whole “I’m where I thought I wanted to be, but now that I’m here, I don’t want to be here” vibe. Believe me, I think this every day at work when I’m given an assignment because people know I’m competent and know it will get done.
What is it about Eminem that screws up classic Hov albums?
With The Blueprint, one could argue that Em got Jay on his own track (Nas did. I’ll argue that it was a track that Em was going to do with someone else (Royce Da 5’9” I believe) that he gave to Jigga. Plus that track was suited for Em’s forte, playing the outcast. Jay…not so much his forte.
On this album, Jay takes Em’s line from “I’m Back” about success. I have no answer for this one.
Is there a # 1 single on this album?
Absolutely not. There is no song on this album that has a catchy chorus or a dance that can be done on command. Since it has none of these, the general public will not embrace a single. America is dumb sometimes and I often wonder why the terrorists haven’t won yet. A catchy hook to “Allah is Great” would have 90% of America dancing in the fucking street.
Ok Barney, enough with you Neo-Con rant. I’ll let that slide and give you a question that’s right up your alley. What basketball team does this album remind you of?
I’d have to go with the 2003-2005 Pistons in that the sum is greater than its parts. Individually you have a half crazy power forward with a propensity to shoot threes, a undersized center with no offensive game whatsoever, a shooting guard who weighs about a buck fity, a point guard on his third or fourth team, and a small forward who even skinnier than your shooting guard. None of these guys are going to the Hall (Unless I start a Barney Hall of Fame, in which case Sheed is a first ballot case), yet they won a championship. Why? Because the sum is greater than the parts.
Jay had the right idea when banning iTunes from selling singles. Any song on its own is good but not great. Put them together and it makes a lot more sense, and sounds a whole hell of a lot better.
How has this album enhanced “American Gangster” the movie?
Remember that scene where TI tells Denzel that he doesn’t want to try out for the Yankees, he wants to sell dope. If it wasn’t for Jay, we wouldn’t have known that Denzel goes to his room and cries after hearing that. It got taken out of the move. It makes sense now, because that scene in the movie seemed to be lacking a conclusion. “Wait, Frank just lets his nephew turn down a contract with the Yankees? Why?”
How would you rate this album overall?
Great to border line classic. It’ll take another year or so to figure out if it’s a classic. If I’m still bumping it at that time it is.
The toughest thing about this album is like I said in the previous question. Songs on their own are good to great. Together it’s a different story. For the entire album (except for Ignorant Shit) you feel like you’re talking to a drug dealer. The highs, the lows and everything in between. There’s really nothing that I can compare it to. The closest I can do is “Ready to Die” in that for the entire album you’re mesmerized by this one person’s point of view, and both are interrupted by the same Isley Brother’s sample of “In the Sheets.” I’m not saying that its Ready to Die good, but its one of the few albums that gets you absolutely in tune with one person (in this case semi-fictional), and you reach an understanding on their point of view.
Where does this rank of Jay’s album list?
Let’s be honest. Hov isn’t competing against other rappers at this point. This album won’t be compared to anyone else, only his own. The question always becomes is this better than “Reasonable Doubt”, “The Blueprint”, and Vol. 2 (over rated in my opinion, but that’s another Barney Show episode). At this point, I’d rate it 3rd behind Reasonable Doubt and Blueprint, with The Black Album right on its heals. The only reason Blueprint gets the nod is that it has 2 songs that are absolute classics to this day (U Don’t Know, and Ain’t No Love). I don’t think there are 2 songs that six years from now I’ll be saying, “Yeah, ‘Success’ is that shit. Even today.”
The Black Album might even pass it. Like I said earlier, I’ll need at least a year to determine how great this album is. This whole ‘sum of its parts’ thing may be different at that time.
Alright, if this was a class in Describing Things in the English Language I think I would have passed with like a 68. I need to stop writing about great things and focus on drinking stories, which I’m good at. And on that note, go buy “American Gangster” if you haven’t already.
How would you describe this album?
As Hov said in all the press releases, this is a concept album, inspired by the movie “American Gangster” (See my earlier review. My skills with the English language are too poor to describe how I really feel.). And it’s just that. Jay writes from the mind frame of a big time hustler. Not the on the block guy, the millionaire with the mansion, the yachts…inspired by Frank Lucas.
So does this album achieve that “concept”?
In three words: “Hell fucking yes.” Jay basically takes us into the mind of a gangster, capo status and above. I didn’t realize this until I saw him talking about it, but it is in three parts: the rise, the enjoyment and the fall. You basically get the entire playbook on a guy moving weight.
Is “Pain in the Ass” on this album?
If you’re a Jay-Z fan, you know Pain in the Ass. He’s the guy who does his intros up until Roc La Familia. And he magically appeared on Kingdom Come. Unfortunately, he’s not on this album. Unless they hired him to do that gawd awful Russell Crowe impersonation on the intro. Matter of fact, let’s not rule that out.
How does this album relate to the movie?
To be honest, I couldn’t separate the two. I feel that this album is a perfect companion to the movie. It’s like the soundtrack that could have been. It captures the feelings and emotions of the movie and makes me appreciate the movie that much more (very hard to do. After listening to this album, I will definitely see them movie again. That’s how much these two go together.). As long as they don’t take “Ain’t No Love” out of the trailer. That song is a fucking classic.
What’s the vibe for this album?
Definitely the 70s, fits right in line with the movie. As a guy who loves soul samples on tracks (thank you Kanye), this is my shit. So if I’m biased, you know why.
Which song doesn’t fit this vibe?
“Ignorant Shit.” Despite the fact that it samples the Isley Brothers, it doesn’t fit in with the whole concept of the album. Don’t get me wrong, I love this song. It’s one of my favorite Jay tracks of all time. I just have a bit of a problem with putting a song that came out 3 years ago on an album, adding Beans and a new verse, and it disrupting the whole album. Still a great fucking song.
Who guest appears on this album?
Just Lil’ Wayne and Beanie Siegel, so you know you’re in good hands. And Beans only gets like 8 bars on Ignorant Shit. Beyonce and Kanye are in the background on a few songs.
Who should be the angriest about this album?
Memphis Bleek. Since Roc La Familia, he’s appeared on as many Hov tracks as Lenny Kravitz and some guy from Coldplay. Coldplay even got mic checked by Kanye, so I think he’s technically ahead. Memph even had to release a single by Hov on his own album. Good thing he’s in Shawn Carter’s will.
The bad thing is I like Memph man. I think he’s gotten a raw deal in that everyone compares him to Jay. I wouldn’t have minded a “Coming of Age Pt. III” on this. In fact, he could have been the TI character from the movie.
What song am I glad came out in 2007 as opposed to 2004?
Definitely “Roc Boys.” This would have cost me $500-$1000 if it came out 3 years earlier. I was already spending too much money on free booze for people to visit my room senior year of college. If “Roc Boys” came out in 2004, me and Floyd Banks would have called ourselves “Dope Boys of the Year” and provided a lot more drinks on the house. (Note: For those of you unfamiliar, Me and Floyd Banks lived in a room called “Rock Bottom” which got turned into “The Roc” in about 3.4 seconds (as long as it took me to put the Roc La Familia album cover on the door with the diamond in the air)). There would have been a lot more freshman girls getting drunk under the poster that said, “Freshman girls, get ‘em while they’re still skinny.” (Oh irony, I missed you. Freshman girls getting drunk under a poster that tells them they’ll be discarded as soon as they become sophomores. On a related note, I really miss college.)
Wait a second. Aren’t you paying close to $700 a month in child support and health care for one of those freshman girls that you impregnated?
Touché Mr. Questionnaire. I am. I guess $500-$1000 in alcohol seems rather pedestrian in hindsight.
This is your eventual lawyer talking. Do you want to amend that statement?
Yes I do. All joking aside, I’d pay $7000 a month if I had to. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Are you ever going to get back to talking about this album or is it just going to morph into another depressing monologue like most Barney episodes become?
Alright Mr. Questionnaire, I’ve had about enough of your shit. Let’s get back to reviewing the album.
What’s the worst song on the album?
“I Know” easily. It took me a week to figure out that this was a metaphor for heroin. Plus it sounds like something that got taken out of Blueprint 2.
What’s your favorite track on the album?
I’d have to go with “Success”. This one speaks to me because I too am semi-successful (no I’m not), but wish I weren’t. “Truth be told, I had more fun when I was piss poor,” not a truer sentence has been uttered. I’m not quite at the point where I have cars that I don’t bring out (I drive a Chevy fuckin’ Lumina for fuck’s sake), but I do feel the whole “I’m where I thought I wanted to be, but now that I’m here, I don’t want to be here” vibe. Believe me, I think this every day at work when I’m given an assignment because people know I’m competent and know it will get done.
What is it about Eminem that screws up classic Hov albums?
With The Blueprint, one could argue that Em got Jay on his own track (Nas did. I’ll argue that it was a track that Em was going to do with someone else (Royce Da 5’9” I believe) that he gave to Jigga. Plus that track was suited for Em’s forte, playing the outcast. Jay…not so much his forte.
On this album, Jay takes Em’s line from “I’m Back” about success. I have no answer for this one.
Is there a # 1 single on this album?
Absolutely not. There is no song on this album that has a catchy chorus or a dance that can be done on command. Since it has none of these, the general public will not embrace a single. America is dumb sometimes and I often wonder why the terrorists haven’t won yet. A catchy hook to “Allah is Great” would have 90% of America dancing in the fucking street.
Ok Barney, enough with you Neo-Con rant. I’ll let that slide and give you a question that’s right up your alley. What basketball team does this album remind you of?
I’d have to go with the 2003-2005 Pistons in that the sum is greater than its parts. Individually you have a half crazy power forward with a propensity to shoot threes, a undersized center with no offensive game whatsoever, a shooting guard who weighs about a buck fity, a point guard on his third or fourth team, and a small forward who even skinnier than your shooting guard. None of these guys are going to the Hall (Unless I start a Barney Hall of Fame, in which case Sheed is a first ballot case), yet they won a championship. Why? Because the sum is greater than the parts.
Jay had the right idea when banning iTunes from selling singles. Any song on its own is good but not great. Put them together and it makes a lot more sense, and sounds a whole hell of a lot better.
How has this album enhanced “American Gangster” the movie?
Remember that scene where TI tells Denzel that he doesn’t want to try out for the Yankees, he wants to sell dope. If it wasn’t for Jay, we wouldn’t have known that Denzel goes to his room and cries after hearing that. It got taken out of the move. It makes sense now, because that scene in the movie seemed to be lacking a conclusion. “Wait, Frank just lets his nephew turn down a contract with the Yankees? Why?”
How would you rate this album overall?
Great to border line classic. It’ll take another year or so to figure out if it’s a classic. If I’m still bumping it at that time it is.
The toughest thing about this album is like I said in the previous question. Songs on their own are good to great. Together it’s a different story. For the entire album (except for Ignorant Shit) you feel like you’re talking to a drug dealer. The highs, the lows and everything in between. There’s really nothing that I can compare it to. The closest I can do is “Ready to Die” in that for the entire album you’re mesmerized by this one person’s point of view, and both are interrupted by the same Isley Brother’s sample of “In the Sheets.” I’m not saying that its Ready to Die good, but its one of the few albums that gets you absolutely in tune with one person (in this case semi-fictional), and you reach an understanding on their point of view.
Where does this rank of Jay’s album list?
Let’s be honest. Hov isn’t competing against other rappers at this point. This album won’t be compared to anyone else, only his own. The question always becomes is this better than “Reasonable Doubt”, “The Blueprint”, and Vol. 2 (over rated in my opinion, but that’s another Barney Show episode). At this point, I’d rate it 3rd behind Reasonable Doubt and Blueprint, with The Black Album right on its heals. The only reason Blueprint gets the nod is that it has 2 songs that are absolute classics to this day (U Don’t Know, and Ain’t No Love). I don’t think there are 2 songs that six years from now I’ll be saying, “Yeah, ‘Success’ is that shit. Even today.”
The Black Album might even pass it. Like I said earlier, I’ll need at least a year to determine how great this album is. This whole ‘sum of its parts’ thing may be different at that time.
Alright, if this was a class in Describing Things in the English Language I think I would have passed with like a 68. I need to stop writing about great things and focus on drinking stories, which I’m good at. And on that note, go buy “American Gangster” if you haven’t already.
Friday, November 16, 2007
The Fuckin' PoPo
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/15/confiscated.whiskey.ap/
I'm normally a man all for law and order in this country. But this is taking it too far. The whiskey didn't hurt anyone. At least donate it to the local homeless shelter. Don't waste it. Don't they know there's a thirsty person writing this blog at 8:26 AM. Bastards.
If there's an auction, maybe I should attend. It seems like my life is heading in the direction where uttering the phrase, "Yeah, can't make it, I'm attending a whiskey auction," won't surprise anyone.
I'm normally a man all for law and order in this country. But this is taking it too far. The whiskey didn't hurt anyone. At least donate it to the local homeless shelter. Don't waste it. Don't they know there's a thirsty person writing this blog at 8:26 AM. Bastards.
If there's an auction, maybe I should attend. It seems like my life is heading in the direction where uttering the phrase, "Yeah, can't make it, I'm attending a whiskey auction," won't surprise anyone.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Quick Ron Ron Update
A belated Happy Birthday goes out to Ron Artest. He turned 28 on Tuesday. He's also returning to the line up after serving his 7 game suspension.
I'm even more excited about this season for my boy after finding out he's been working with The Rifleman (Chuck Person for those of you who didn't spend insane amounts of time following the NBA in the mid-90's). If there's one thing Ron Ron needs, its someone who's always ready to pull the trigger. QB Motherfuckers.
http://www.sacbee.com/100/story/489979.html
Despite this, Stephon Marbury and the Knicks effectively wrapped up this years championship. I'm going to wait to see how this all plays out to write about it, but they're the NBA's version of the Patriots. It's not a question of if they'll win it, but by how much and if this one will be one for the history books.
I'm even more excited about this season for my boy after finding out he's been working with The Rifleman (Chuck Person for those of you who didn't spend insane amounts of time following the NBA in the mid-90's). If there's one thing Ron Ron needs, its someone who's always ready to pull the trigger. QB Motherfuckers.
http://www.sacbee.com/100/story/489979.html
Despite this, Stephon Marbury and the Knicks effectively wrapped up this years championship. I'm going to wait to see how this all plays out to write about it, but they're the NBA's version of the Patriots. It's not a question of if they'll win it, but by how much and if this one will be one for the history books.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
American Gangster
So it’s taken me a week to get around to reviewing “American Gangster” the movie. In my defense, I had planned on possibly seeing it a second time to get a better feel for how good it was (see the sacrifices I make for you, the reader), but instead took a two and a half hour nap. So we’re going on my memory of a week ago (hooray concussions!).
After seeing it once, I think “American Gangster” can be considered one of the classics of the genre. It had a lot of elements of “Heat” in that you’re actually rooting for the hero and the anti-hero at the same time. Frank Lucas had that Michael Corleone vibe to him: cool and calm most of the time, that could turn into a violent streak in a second if you fucked with him.
“American Gangster” went more into the business side of the drug game than any movie before it. I loved the scene where Lucas is talking to Nicky Barnes about his “brand name”. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m reading BusinessWeek all the time and the Wall Street Journal but this stuff really appealed to me. The cutting the market price with a superior product. Integrating your supply chain. It could have been any business, except this one was heroin.
And plus we also had the most underrated scene you can have in a drug movie: the one where they show them cutting up the product. You know why I love these scenes? Because you’re guaranteed to see titties. I think this should be mandatory in every drug movie. Because who doesn’t like to see people working half naked?
The one thing I could have done without? The needle scenes. For some reason a doctor can do anything to me (Need to burn my skin so you can do stitches? Sure. Going to re-locate my finger with no anesthetic? That’s fine. Electroscan my head? Think I give a fuck?), but if I have to witness any blood, needles, etc. on other people, I freak out. That’s why being a doctor was out of the question for me. So if my mom ever tells me that if I became a doctor, my brothers would have followed (a la Mrs. Lucas) I can tell her why I didn’t and why I decided heroin sales was a better career move.
The best thing I can say about this movie is that at two and a half hours, it almost seemed too short. I didn’t like how they just wrapped everything up at the end, like, “oh, he put away half the NYPD SIU.” I thought they could have gone more in depth on that.
They’re this lady that I work with who has gotten all into the actual Frank Lucas stuff as I have. She’s all into how he grew up: the KKK killing his cousin for looking at a white woman, him being on a chain gang, him escaping jail. I’ve been more into him afterwards. How the detective who chased him down because his defense attorney. How the two of them are friends to this day. So with that I’m presenting the best idea The Barney Show will probably ever have:
A sequel. Not just any sequel, a Godfather II style sequel. Two stories in one movie. One is him in North Carolina, the shit he saw down there that hardened him. Him in Harlem driving Bumpy Johnson around. The other part, him and the detective bringing down half of NYPD. His appeals. Them kicking it at Frank’s house in 2003. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that. If any studio is reading this (odds: 1,000,000 to 1. “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”) feel free to take this idea. I don’t want any money off of this idea, just make this movie and I’ll be happy enough.
I’ll try and watch “American Gangster” again and put it in its proper perspective. But for now, just know that it’s a definite Barney Classic.
After seeing it once, I think “American Gangster” can be considered one of the classics of the genre. It had a lot of elements of “Heat” in that you’re actually rooting for the hero and the anti-hero at the same time. Frank Lucas had that Michael Corleone vibe to him: cool and calm most of the time, that could turn into a violent streak in a second if you fucked with him.
“American Gangster” went more into the business side of the drug game than any movie before it. I loved the scene where Lucas is talking to Nicky Barnes about his “brand name”. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m reading BusinessWeek all the time and the Wall Street Journal but this stuff really appealed to me. The cutting the market price with a superior product. Integrating your supply chain. It could have been any business, except this one was heroin.
And plus we also had the most underrated scene you can have in a drug movie: the one where they show them cutting up the product. You know why I love these scenes? Because you’re guaranteed to see titties. I think this should be mandatory in every drug movie. Because who doesn’t like to see people working half naked?
The one thing I could have done without? The needle scenes. For some reason a doctor can do anything to me (Need to burn my skin so you can do stitches? Sure. Going to re-locate my finger with no anesthetic? That’s fine. Electroscan my head? Think I give a fuck?), but if I have to witness any blood, needles, etc. on other people, I freak out. That’s why being a doctor was out of the question for me. So if my mom ever tells me that if I became a doctor, my brothers would have followed (a la Mrs. Lucas) I can tell her why I didn’t and why I decided heroin sales was a better career move.
The best thing I can say about this movie is that at two and a half hours, it almost seemed too short. I didn’t like how they just wrapped everything up at the end, like, “oh, he put away half the NYPD SIU.” I thought they could have gone more in depth on that.
They’re this lady that I work with who has gotten all into the actual Frank Lucas stuff as I have. She’s all into how he grew up: the KKK killing his cousin for looking at a white woman, him being on a chain gang, him escaping jail. I’ve been more into him afterwards. How the detective who chased him down because his defense attorney. How the two of them are friends to this day. So with that I’m presenting the best idea The Barney Show will probably ever have:
A sequel. Not just any sequel, a Godfather II style sequel. Two stories in one movie. One is him in North Carolina, the shit he saw down there that hardened him. Him in Harlem driving Bumpy Johnson around. The other part, him and the detective bringing down half of NYPD. His appeals. Them kicking it at Frank’s house in 2003. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that. If any studio is reading this (odds: 1,000,000 to 1. “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”) feel free to take this idea. I don’t want any money off of this idea, just make this movie and I’ll be happy enough.
I’ll try and watch “American Gangster” again and put it in its proper perspective. But for now, just know that it’s a definite Barney Classic.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Tankapalooza 2007
With the Jets on a bye week, I’d like to welcome everybody to the kickoff party of Tankapalooza 2007. This shouldn’t be confused with Tankapalooza 2005. No, this is a whole new campaign to convince my J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets that winning doesn’t matter anymore: getting a high draft pick matters. I’m hoping every game going forward is a close one. Clemens takes them for the go ahead score at the two minute warning every week. And for the next 7 weeks, the other team marches down the field to win in the closing seconds. That’s the best of both worlds: Clemens gets confidence, shows he’s the QB of the future, and we get a nice juicy top pick come April.
Now some of you may be discouraged by Tankapalooza 2005’s results. Sure the Jets forgot what they were playing for and won two out of their last 4 games. And this ended up with not Reggie Bush or Vince Young (who just wins football games) but an Offensive Tackle (Oh, irony, you are cruel sometimes. It was the coach who’s name I won’t speak’s motto that you “Play to win the games.” But it was this mantra that ended up with two December wins and the man who personifies this saying getting picked one slot ahead of the Jets).
But this year, with your support, we can get it through Mangini’s head to make some interesting calls. Flea flicker on the 5 yard line, sure, go for it. My only concern is the New England game. That has the potential to set so many records (highest point spread, largest margin of victory, most injuries) that I’m afraid to watch it. Other than that let’s look at the remaining games to tank:
Pittsburgh – Easy loss. Though I’d like to not lose this game because Mangini decides that a 40 yard field goal is close enough
@ Dallas – Another easy loss.
@ Miami – This becomes the game of the year. Jets, you’re currently sitting on the # 2 pick with St Louis’ win. A loss here, and you might move up to # 1. The biggest game remaining on the schedule. Hopefully Dallas can injure enough players so that we won’t have to throw this game outright.
Cleveland – They’ve shown some moxie lately. Just to be sure, maybe Clemens get “sick” this week, so we can have Chad throwing in the Meadowlands, in December with a 4:15 start. Cleveland will probably play 10 men in the box if this happens.
@ New England – See above. Possibly the highest point spread ever. Not even factoring in the revenge issue.
@ Tennessee – The Titans should still be in the playoff hunt. Hopefully someone will remind them that the Jets wore terrible throwback jerseys and called themselves the Titans as well, earlier in the season. This should provide enough motivation to Tennessee.
Kansas City – I KC is still in the playoff hunt, I would be willing to accept a win if it keeps the man we won’t mention out of the playoffs. Depends where we’re sitting in the draft.
So there you have it. 7 games, with only 3 winable games. We can do this.
So there’s the plan for Tankapalooza 2007. The reward? Darren fucking McFadden. Yes, the best player in America right now. Did you see his 320 something performance against South Carolina? How about against Alabama where he put his team on his back? Did I mention he can throw the ball farther than the quarterback who started the season for the Jets? I might lose my mind if this happens. (I will also be willing to accept Glen Dorsey. Lord knows our run defense needs help. And Dorsey is a beast.)
And if you think I’m playing around with how serious I am about this, consider this Saturday. I had an invitation to go meet up with a friend at a bar called “McFadden’s”. I will not go to this bar for fear that by going there, I will jinx things (see my discussion about Peterson during week 10). That is serious my friends. Me turning down a bar invitation requires a lot. I will turn down bars for the next two months if it means having Darren McFadden and his Fred Flintstone Halloween outfit wearing the green and white for the next 15 years. The plan has been set Mangini. Don’t fuck it up. Tankapalooza 2007. Catch it.
Now some of you may be discouraged by Tankapalooza 2005’s results. Sure the Jets forgot what they were playing for and won two out of their last 4 games. And this ended up with not Reggie Bush or Vince Young (who just wins football games) but an Offensive Tackle (Oh, irony, you are cruel sometimes. It was the coach who’s name I won’t speak’s motto that you “Play to win the games.” But it was this mantra that ended up with two December wins and the man who personifies this saying getting picked one slot ahead of the Jets).
But this year, with your support, we can get it through Mangini’s head to make some interesting calls. Flea flicker on the 5 yard line, sure, go for it. My only concern is the New England game. That has the potential to set so many records (highest point spread, largest margin of victory, most injuries) that I’m afraid to watch it. Other than that let’s look at the remaining games to tank:
Pittsburgh – Easy loss. Though I’d like to not lose this game because Mangini decides that a 40 yard field goal is close enough
@ Dallas – Another easy loss.
@ Miami – This becomes the game of the year. Jets, you’re currently sitting on the # 2 pick with St Louis’ win. A loss here, and you might move up to # 1. The biggest game remaining on the schedule. Hopefully Dallas can injure enough players so that we won’t have to throw this game outright.
Cleveland – They’ve shown some moxie lately. Just to be sure, maybe Clemens get “sick” this week, so we can have Chad throwing in the Meadowlands, in December with a 4:15 start. Cleveland will probably play 10 men in the box if this happens.
@ New England – See above. Possibly the highest point spread ever. Not even factoring in the revenge issue.
@ Tennessee – The Titans should still be in the playoff hunt. Hopefully someone will remind them that the Jets wore terrible throwback jerseys and called themselves the Titans as well, earlier in the season. This should provide enough motivation to Tennessee.
Kansas City – I KC is still in the playoff hunt, I would be willing to accept a win if it keeps the man we won’t mention out of the playoffs. Depends where we’re sitting in the draft.
So there you have it. 7 games, with only 3 winable games. We can do this.
So there’s the plan for Tankapalooza 2007. The reward? Darren fucking McFadden. Yes, the best player in America right now. Did you see his 320 something performance against South Carolina? How about against Alabama where he put his team on his back? Did I mention he can throw the ball farther than the quarterback who started the season for the Jets? I might lose my mind if this happens. (I will also be willing to accept Glen Dorsey. Lord knows our run defense needs help. And Dorsey is a beast.)
And if you think I’m playing around with how serious I am about this, consider this Saturday. I had an invitation to go meet up with a friend at a bar called “McFadden’s”. I will not go to this bar for fear that by going there, I will jinx things (see my discussion about Peterson during week 10). That is serious my friends. Me turning down a bar invitation requires a lot. I will turn down bars for the next two months if it means having Darren McFadden and his Fred Flintstone Halloween outfit wearing the green and white for the next 15 years. The plan has been set Mangini. Don’t fuck it up. Tankapalooza 2007. Catch it.
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 10
I did just wake up from a nap, so there’s a 3% chance this didn’t happen, but I’m pretty sure I just saw that its now a tradition to play House of Pain in between the 3rd and 4th quarters. Ok, it’s true, they just made a mention of it on the broadcast. Between that and them making an arrest of students having sex in the stadium bathroom, Camp Randall might be a place I’d like to visit. Currently, it’s the only thing keeping me from writing an episode entitled “Why the Big Ten Should Be Taken Out Back and Shot Old Yeller Style.” And by shot, I mean moved to D2. I wasn’t prepared for the entire ESPN crew doing Jumping Around as well. And definitely not prepared for the announcer to do the Tony Yayo dance (this actually happened). I’m not gifted enough with the English language to properly describe that moment. (Unfortunately, ESPN did not show Erin Andrews jumping around. Bastards.)
While I have your attention (I’m sure it’ll start wandering soon. There’s only so long I can keep this up without the aid of Irish rap groups), this might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen:http://www.jamphat.com/rap/
Yes, that is entitled “Rap represented in mathematical charts and graphs.” In the words of Lisa Simpson, “I like graphs.” My favorites were the “Halfway Crooks” pie chart and the “Can I Get A…” flowchart.
Thank you Wisconsin and Illinois for defeating Michigan and Ohio St to prevent me from a week of hype on a game of two average teams and having to root for a team that lost to a I-AA team to go to the BCS to prevent Ohio St from going to the National Championship. I really like Illinois, only because they have a quarterback named Juice. It takes a lot for a football player to go with that name after OJ. Also, after every first down he got, I said in the Sam Jackson beer voice, “Juice…that was a good one.” Note that I was watching this game by myself. Graphs and Chapelle Show jokes. That’s all I really need to be happy.
If it were any other week, UGA the dog trying to bite someone on national tv would be my most unlikely moment of the week, but the I Can’t Feel My Face by a 50 year old white man dancing to “Jump Around” will not be topped unless Chad Johnson forces himself on a cheerleader to celebrate a touchdown this week in front of 75,000 people. By the way, Georgia just wrapped it up, and Knowshon Moreno is doing his thing again.
Motherfucker. I watched NASCAR for 20 minutes waiting for them to go over to the Miami-Virginia game. Apparently, The U invited all its former players back to run out the tunnel with them. This was must see TV on the chance that Michael Irvin was there. Or if any of them came out in combat fatigues (that would have beaten the Yayo dance). Unfortunately, there was a caution or a crash or something, so the race ran late and didn’t show it.
FUUUUUUCKKKK. ESPN got that duechebag Tiki Barber to announce Virginia’s starting line up. I’ll stick around just to see who Miami gets to announce their starters. C’mon Shockey. Dammit, its Russell Maryland.
Speaking of Shockey, that leads to a drunk Barney story. One time we were at a bar in Hoboken and someone made a comment about Jeremy. Me, having a few drinks in me and still experiencing post concussion syndrome was about to go off about how he was over rated he was. I didn’t know he was sitting right next to us. Anyway, I didn’t say anything. In hindsight, I think that was a good idea.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/11072007/gossip/pagesix/shockey_hassler_gets_a_beating_887673.htm
The best part is that he left the donnybrook by boat. Who say’s Jeremy Shockey isn’t classy?
As for this weeks NFL action, I was once again reminded that as soon as I think I have an idea of what’s going on in this league, I have no fuckin’ idea what to expect. I think I picked three games right this week. My famous betting rule, “Never bet on a team where the head coach’s son went to court for smuggling drugs in his rectum” went to shit.
I also appreciated that I had a discussion with Brock before the 1 o’clock games about Adrian Peterson being injury prone. And what happens? Of course he gets hurt. If its serious, bye bye any chance of making a late season fantasy run.
I missed the Giants melt down because of handling baby mama issues. I really think she calls during games because she knows I’m not doing anything. At least she had the common courtesy to call me directly after the Pats/Indy game last week. A call during the game would have been ignored. I think that would have held up in court. Rooting against Tony Romo in a courtroom 90 miles from Texas Stadium would not have. (And all you have to worry about is the spread. I have to consider the ramifications of every phone call I get and how they’ll hold up in a custody suit. No wonder I can’t pick a game right anymore.)
That’s it for this week. Hopefully Purple Jesus can heal his own sprained knee.
(Yes, I know this is getting posted on Sunday night. This is what I can do when sober all weekend. It's crazy I know.)
While I have your attention (I’m sure it’ll start wandering soon. There’s only so long I can keep this up without the aid of Irish rap groups), this might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen:http://www.jamphat.com/rap/
Yes, that is entitled “Rap represented in mathematical charts and graphs.” In the words of Lisa Simpson, “I like graphs.” My favorites were the “Halfway Crooks” pie chart and the “Can I Get A…” flowchart.
Thank you Wisconsin and Illinois for defeating Michigan and Ohio St to prevent me from a week of hype on a game of two average teams and having to root for a team that lost to a I-AA team to go to the BCS to prevent Ohio St from going to the National Championship. I really like Illinois, only because they have a quarterback named Juice. It takes a lot for a football player to go with that name after OJ. Also, after every first down he got, I said in the Sam Jackson beer voice, “Juice…that was a good one.” Note that I was watching this game by myself. Graphs and Chapelle Show jokes. That’s all I really need to be happy.
If it were any other week, UGA the dog trying to bite someone on national tv would be my most unlikely moment of the week, but the I Can’t Feel My Face by a 50 year old white man dancing to “Jump Around” will not be topped unless Chad Johnson forces himself on a cheerleader to celebrate a touchdown this week in front of 75,000 people. By the way, Georgia just wrapped it up, and Knowshon Moreno is doing his thing again.
Motherfucker. I watched NASCAR for 20 minutes waiting for them to go over to the Miami-Virginia game. Apparently, The U invited all its former players back to run out the tunnel with them. This was must see TV on the chance that Michael Irvin was there. Or if any of them came out in combat fatigues (that would have beaten the Yayo dance). Unfortunately, there was a caution or a crash or something, so the race ran late and didn’t show it.
FUUUUUUCKKKK. ESPN got that duechebag Tiki Barber to announce Virginia’s starting line up. I’ll stick around just to see who Miami gets to announce their starters. C’mon Shockey. Dammit, its Russell Maryland.
Speaking of Shockey, that leads to a drunk Barney story. One time we were at a bar in Hoboken and someone made a comment about Jeremy. Me, having a few drinks in me and still experiencing post concussion syndrome was about to go off about how he was over rated he was. I didn’t know he was sitting right next to us. Anyway, I didn’t say anything. In hindsight, I think that was a good idea.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/11072007/gossip/pagesix/shockey_hassler_gets_a_beating_887673.htm
The best part is that he left the donnybrook by boat. Who say’s Jeremy Shockey isn’t classy?
As for this weeks NFL action, I was once again reminded that as soon as I think I have an idea of what’s going on in this league, I have no fuckin’ idea what to expect. I think I picked three games right this week. My famous betting rule, “Never bet on a team where the head coach’s son went to court for smuggling drugs in his rectum” went to shit.
I also appreciated that I had a discussion with Brock before the 1 o’clock games about Adrian Peterson being injury prone. And what happens? Of course he gets hurt. If its serious, bye bye any chance of making a late season fantasy run.
I missed the Giants melt down because of handling baby mama issues. I really think she calls during games because she knows I’m not doing anything. At least she had the common courtesy to call me directly after the Pats/Indy game last week. A call during the game would have been ignored. I think that would have held up in court. Rooting against Tony Romo in a courtroom 90 miles from Texas Stadium would not have. (And all you have to worry about is the spread. I have to consider the ramifications of every phone call I get and how they’ll hold up in a custody suit. No wonder I can’t pick a game right anymore.)
That’s it for this week. Hopefully Purple Jesus can heal his own sprained knee.
(Yes, I know this is getting posted on Sunday night. This is what I can do when sober all weekend. It's crazy I know.)
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
NBA Preview - Western Conference
As promised, we’re back with the Western Conference preview of hilarity (even though it’s a week late). We’ll start in the least funny division of all, the Southwest:
Southwest
1. Hornets – 3.5
This is based purely on the 1% chance of them resigning Chris Andersen.
2. Grizzlies – 3
At first I was going to put them dead last in the NBA and just say that they’ll be a lot funnier come Christmas time when someone receives a Rudy Gay jersey from me. But then I remembered they signed Darko over the summer, so that automatically gave them 2 points.
3. Rockets - 3
They let go of Van Gundy who was always good for a decent quote or two. We’re now down to jokes about Yao’s favorite food being snakes and about Skip stabbing people.
4. Spurs – 2.5
Popovich will make a few snide remarks. Other than that, we can just laugh at how pussy whipped Tony Parker is. Also, at his French rap video.
5. Mavs - 2
Hey, Avery Johnson has a funny voice, let’s all do it! If this was a fun index, Dallas would be higher, because according to Avery, despite losing in the first round, Dallas fans had the most fun they’ve ever had.
Northwest
1. Sonics - 5
Based strictly on the Robert Swift Experience (that’s what I’m referring to it from now on). I can’t wait for it. He could LeBron the Sonics into the Finals based on his potential. I’ll put the Sonics in the middle of the pack…for now.
2. T’Wolves - 5
They have Antoine Walker jacking up threes to his hearts delight and Mark Madsen coming off the bench. I’m intrigued.
3. Nuggets – 4.5
I’m sure the way Melo ruins his All Star selection will be hilarious (running from a fight at MSG, getting caught with weed in a “friends” back pack, Stop Snitchin DVD). I’m prepared for anything at this point. Plus the ongoing battle between AI and K-Mart for lead in most tats.
4. Portland - 3.5
Greg Oden and his dog Charles Barkley McLovin would have put them as the division favorites. Hopefully his rehab will be entertaining. Instead, we’ll just have to rely on Darius Miles and his ridiculous car. Other than that, the Jailblazers have fallen hard.
5. Jazz - 2
Ummm…I got nothing. What about you?
Pacific
1. Warriors - 9.5
The Warriors take the lead in the toughest division in the NBA. The Warriors a favored here for not resting on their laurels this off season (I think that’s the first time that’s phrase has been used in an NBA preview). Stephen Jackson got a tat of hands in prayer…holding a gun. He’s praying he’ll never have to use his gun again. In a related not, Mr. Jackson is now a captain of this team. Matt Barnes got a few more tattoos. And Baron Davis started a book club (I’m not making this up either). With Nellie drinking Bud Lights at press conferences, the favorites this season.
2. Kings - 9
Ron Artest will still be Ron Artest. You cannot underestimate that man. Plus they have Reggie Theus coaching this year who apparently thinks he’s coaching a high school team and won’t allow his players to talk on cell phones on team buses and flights. I can see this ending well. I won’t make a Reggie appearing on “Hang Time” joke, but many others will. Plus they added SPENCER HAWES, who has a “God Bless George Bush” bumper sticker. Just a random bunch of people assembled. Hopefully, hilarity will ensue.
3. Lakers - 7
A large part of this is because of the fact that Luke Walton’s dad is named Bill. When there were rumors of Luke dating Britney Spears, I entertained myself for 2 hours thinking of words of fatherly wisdom from Bill about Ms. Spears. (examples: “Luke, that vag is horrrrrible.” “As the wise John Wooden once said to me, ‘Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.’”) If I ever get stuck on a desert island, this is the game I’m going to play to keep me sane. Hopefully, Luke can find some other Hollywood starlet to be connected with so I can play this game again.
4. Suns - 4
If Amare gets hurt again, hopefully he can continue to wear his Brooklyn hipster outfits. Other than that, not too much going on here.
5. Clippers - 2.5
Between Shaun Livingston’s knee injury and Elton Brand’s Achilles, I just can’t make jokes. Chris Kaman jokes are still ok though.
1st Round of the Playoffs
Golden St. vs. Phoenix – Baron Davis wears a fedora with a bullet attached to it before Game 1 of this series. That’s all it takes. It’s over before they even take the court.
Sacramento vs. Denver – Sacramento is taken for all it can handle. K-Mart shows off his heart and “Bad Ass Yellow Boy” tat which inspires Denver. Ron Ron get suspended for a couple games for slapping Melo (he wasn’t worthy of a punch). In the end, Mike Bibby’s ridiculous leg tattoo is enough for the Kings to sneak by.
Seattle vs. T’Wolves – Robert Swift is a one man wrecking crew. He shuts down Walker on the perimeter and demands that speed metal bands get some time on the PA system. Kevin Durant laughs at Longhorn possessions where DJ Augustin has the ball for the entire 35 seconds.
Los Angeles vs. New Orleans – New Orleans is determined as a product of the Southwest division. The fact that the Lakers won’t trade Andrew freakin’ Bynum is hilarious enough.
2nd Round:
Golden St. vs. Seattle – Stephen Jackson laughs at Robert Swifts tattoos. Matt Barnes does too. This one is over before it begins.
Sacramento vs. Los Angeles – Unless Kobe’s wife runs into Karl Malone hunting for Mexicans the Lakers don’t have a chance. I’m guessing he’s holed up on a ranch somewhere, so Sacramento advances.
Conference Championship:
Golden St vs. Sacramento – The two powers of the Western Conference go at it in a classic. These two leave nothing on the floor. S-Jax starts doing the “shooter” thing that Shooter McGavin did in Happy Gilmore. Ron Artest drops a mixtape during the series. Reggie Theus does a “The More You Know” public service announcement denouncing Nellie’s Bud Lights during press conferences. Unless Ron Ron comes up with a heroic performance, I gotta go with the Book Club Warriors to the finals. I imagine this is the week the discuss Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”. There’s no way that book isn’t part of their book club reading list.
NBA Championship:
Golden St. vs. New York – An epic match up between two different teams. One is hilarious and entertaining in a good way, the other in a bad way (sexual harassment suits are fun, but someone did have sex with Steph’s cousin in a truck). I’m forecasting another Knicks sex scandal at some point (most likely Z-Bo), which will catapult the Knicks to the championship. If they can trade David Lee at some point, it’s a lock (can you tell I want more playing time for him).
FYI…No Monday Morning Hangover this week (I know you were eagerly anticipating it, too). I was going to put up my thoughts while watching the Indy-NE game, but at halftime I realized they sucked. I made one fairly obvious joke about Aaron Moorehead’s last name. Insert your own punchline. I’ll save you 5 minutes of reading. I did want to note that McFadden and Felix Jones dressed up as Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble for Halloween and then went out and ran for 500+ yards against South Carolina.
Southwest
1. Hornets – 3.5
This is based purely on the 1% chance of them resigning Chris Andersen.
2. Grizzlies – 3
At first I was going to put them dead last in the NBA and just say that they’ll be a lot funnier come Christmas time when someone receives a Rudy Gay jersey from me. But then I remembered they signed Darko over the summer, so that automatically gave them 2 points.
3. Rockets - 3
They let go of Van Gundy who was always good for a decent quote or two. We’re now down to jokes about Yao’s favorite food being snakes and about Skip stabbing people.
4. Spurs – 2.5
Popovich will make a few snide remarks. Other than that, we can just laugh at how pussy whipped Tony Parker is. Also, at his French rap video.
5. Mavs - 2
Hey, Avery Johnson has a funny voice, let’s all do it! If this was a fun index, Dallas would be higher, because according to Avery, despite losing in the first round, Dallas fans had the most fun they’ve ever had.
Northwest
1. Sonics - 5
Based strictly on the Robert Swift Experience (that’s what I’m referring to it from now on). I can’t wait for it. He could LeBron the Sonics into the Finals based on his potential. I’ll put the Sonics in the middle of the pack…for now.
2. T’Wolves - 5
They have Antoine Walker jacking up threes to his hearts delight and Mark Madsen coming off the bench. I’m intrigued.
3. Nuggets – 4.5
I’m sure the way Melo ruins his All Star selection will be hilarious (running from a fight at MSG, getting caught with weed in a “friends” back pack, Stop Snitchin DVD). I’m prepared for anything at this point. Plus the ongoing battle between AI and K-Mart for lead in most tats.
4. Portland - 3.5
Greg Oden and his dog Charles Barkley McLovin would have put them as the division favorites. Hopefully his rehab will be entertaining. Instead, we’ll just have to rely on Darius Miles and his ridiculous car. Other than that, the Jailblazers have fallen hard.
5. Jazz - 2Ummm…I got nothing. What about you?
Pacific
1. Warriors - 9.5
The Warriors take the lead in the toughest division in the NBA. The Warriors a favored here for not resting on their laurels this off season (I think that’s the first time that’s phrase has been used in an NBA preview). Stephen Jackson got a tat of hands in prayer…holding a gun. He’s praying he’ll never have to use his gun again. In a related not, Mr. Jackson is now a captain of this team. Matt Barnes got a few more tattoos. And Baron Davis started a book club (I’m not making this up either). With Nellie drinking Bud Lights at press conferences, the favorites this season.
2. Kings - 9
Ron Artest will still be Ron Artest. You cannot underestimate that man. Plus they have Reggie Theus coaching this year who apparently thinks he’s coaching a high school team and won’t allow his players to talk on cell phones on team buses and flights. I can see this ending well. I won’t make a Reggie appearing on “Hang Time” joke, but many others will. Plus they added SPENCER HAWES, who has a “God Bless George Bush” bumper sticker. Just a random bunch of people assembled. Hopefully, hilarity will ensue.
3. Lakers - 7
A large part of this is because of the fact that Luke Walton’s dad is named Bill. When there were rumors of Luke dating Britney Spears, I entertained myself for 2 hours thinking of words of fatherly wisdom from Bill about Ms. Spears. (examples: “Luke, that vag is horrrrrible.” “As the wise John Wooden once said to me, ‘Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.’”) If I ever get stuck on a desert island, this is the game I’m going to play to keep me sane. Hopefully, Luke can find some other Hollywood starlet to be connected with so I can play this game again.
4. Suns - 4
If Amare gets hurt again, hopefully he can continue to wear his Brooklyn hipster outfits. Other than that, not too much going on here.
5. Clippers - 2.5
Between Shaun Livingston’s knee injury and Elton Brand’s Achilles, I just can’t make jokes. Chris Kaman jokes are still ok though.
1st Round of the Playoffs
Golden St. vs. Phoenix – Baron Davis wears a fedora with a bullet attached to it before Game 1 of this series. That’s all it takes. It’s over before they even take the court.
Sacramento vs. Denver – Sacramento is taken for all it can handle. K-Mart shows off his heart and “Bad Ass Yellow Boy” tat which inspires Denver. Ron Ron get suspended for a couple games for slapping Melo (he wasn’t worthy of a punch). In the end, Mike Bibby’s ridiculous leg tattoo is enough for the Kings to sneak by.
Seattle vs. T’Wolves – Robert Swift is a one man wrecking crew. He shuts down Walker on the perimeter and demands that speed metal bands get some time on the PA system. Kevin Durant laughs at Longhorn possessions where DJ Augustin has the ball for the entire 35 seconds.
Los Angeles vs. New Orleans – New Orleans is determined as a product of the Southwest division. The fact that the Lakers won’t trade Andrew freakin’ Bynum is hilarious enough.
2nd Round:
Golden St. vs. Seattle – Stephen Jackson laughs at Robert Swifts tattoos. Matt Barnes does too. This one is over before it begins.
Sacramento vs. Los Angeles – Unless Kobe’s wife runs into Karl Malone hunting for Mexicans the Lakers don’t have a chance. I’m guessing he’s holed up on a ranch somewhere, so Sacramento advances.
Conference Championship:
Golden St vs. Sacramento – The two powers of the Western Conference go at it in a classic. These two leave nothing on the floor. S-Jax starts doing the “shooter” thing that Shooter McGavin did in Happy Gilmore. Ron Artest drops a mixtape during the series. Reggie Theus does a “The More You Know” public service announcement denouncing Nellie’s Bud Lights during press conferences. Unless Ron Ron comes up with a heroic performance, I gotta go with the Book Club Warriors to the finals. I imagine this is the week the discuss Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War”. There’s no way that book isn’t part of their book club reading list.
NBA Championship:
Golden St. vs. New York – An epic match up between two different teams. One is hilarious and entertaining in a good way, the other in a bad way (sexual harassment suits are fun, but someone did have sex with Steph’s cousin in a truck). I’m forecasting another Knicks sex scandal at some point (most likely Z-Bo), which will catapult the Knicks to the championship. If they can trade David Lee at some point, it’s a lock (can you tell I want more playing time for him).
FYI…No Monday Morning Hangover this week (I know you were eagerly anticipating it, too). I was going to put up my thoughts while watching the Indy-NE game, but at halftime I realized they sucked. I made one fairly obvious joke about Aaron Moorehead’s last name. Insert your own punchline. I’ll save you 5 minutes of reading. I did want to note that McFadden and Felix Jones dressed up as Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble for Halloween and then went out and ran for 500+ yards against South Carolina.
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