http://www.flickr.com/photos/15980883@N08/2218223673/in/set-72157603791127761/
New England Patriot's Laurence Maroney, nicknamed Kool-Aid, was the inspiration for Reebok's new Kool-Aid collection.
I'm completely speechless. I think I need to buy these shoes out of principle.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Barney Endorsements
Like I said, we’re churning out episodes here at the Barney Show in response to demand (of one person). With the primary season in full bloom (I’m really sorry. I could not think of anything better than “bloom”. I have the vocabulary of a 4th grader sometimes), and candidates dropping out and endorsing other candidates, I’m here to endorse my own choices.
First we have the official comedian of the Barney Show: Daniel Tosh
I saw this guy live a year or so ago and laughed my ass off (he made a joke about Corey Liddle’s piloting skills like 3 days after he crashed then asked, “Too soon?” That alone made his whole set a classic). At least from what I can remember. I was drunk off my ass that night. I saw him on Comedy Central the other night and my thoughts were confirmed. The reason he’s the official comedian of the Barney Show is that his stand up is just like my writing: completely non-sensical. He makes a joke that one person gets, and is perfectly fine with it. He trails off on side stories. It’s just like I’m writing his stuff, except that his stuff is good.
The official college football player of The Barney Show was Darren McFadden obviously. I didn’t even need to give this out. I hadn’t had a man crush on a college basketball player yet, but last night I found the official player. We may not be to man crush levels yet, but he’s got my endorsement. The lucky player: Eric Maynor. Who you ask? He plays for Virginia Commonwealth. Who you ask again? They beat Duke in the NCAAs last year (for that alone he would have gotten some consideration). He had the best non Durant-Oden performance I saw all year when he went on a 9-0 run by himself against George Mason to get his team to the tournament. And then I was watching the rematch against GMU Tuesday night and even though they lost, he had me. One drive and kick sealed the deal (I might be the only basketball commentator who bases his favorites on a drive and fucking kick). It really was a thing of beauty (Another example of misplaced priorities. I consider a dribble and pass pretty. I need help), you have to believe me. Not enough to boost a team in the Barney Standings? There was a picture of him on the internet this week drunk, wearing sunglasses at night and giving the cameraman the middle finger. That’s enough for me. If I can watch you beat Duke while singing “Sunglasses at Night”, that’s all I ask for really.
So Daniel Tosh and Eric Maynor, you have the least prestigious award you can get: A Barney Show Endorsements. Actually, I’d start saving my money now if I were you because that’s like the kiss of death. All bandwagon’s I jump on careen horribly into oncoming traffic.
First we have the official comedian of the Barney Show: Daniel Tosh
I saw this guy live a year or so ago and laughed my ass off (he made a joke about Corey Liddle’s piloting skills like 3 days after he crashed then asked, “Too soon?” That alone made his whole set a classic). At least from what I can remember. I was drunk off my ass that night. I saw him on Comedy Central the other night and my thoughts were confirmed. The reason he’s the official comedian of the Barney Show is that his stand up is just like my writing: completely non-sensical. He makes a joke that one person gets, and is perfectly fine with it. He trails off on side stories. It’s just like I’m writing his stuff, except that his stuff is good.
The official college football player of The Barney Show was Darren McFadden obviously. I didn’t even need to give this out. I hadn’t had a man crush on a college basketball player yet, but last night I found the official player. We may not be to man crush levels yet, but he’s got my endorsement. The lucky player: Eric Maynor. Who you ask? He plays for Virginia Commonwealth. Who you ask again? They beat Duke in the NCAAs last year (for that alone he would have gotten some consideration). He had the best non Durant-Oden performance I saw all year when he went on a 9-0 run by himself against George Mason to get his team to the tournament. And then I was watching the rematch against GMU Tuesday night and even though they lost, he had me. One drive and kick sealed the deal (I might be the only basketball commentator who bases his favorites on a drive and fucking kick). It really was a thing of beauty (Another example of misplaced priorities. I consider a dribble and pass pretty. I need help), you have to believe me. Not enough to boost a team in the Barney Standings? There was a picture of him on the internet this week drunk, wearing sunglasses at night and giving the cameraman the middle finger. That’s enough for me. If I can watch you beat Duke while singing “Sunglasses at Night”, that’s all I ask for really.
So Daniel Tosh and Eric Maynor, you have the least prestigious award you can get: A Barney Show Endorsements. Actually, I’d start saving my money now if I were you because that’s like the kiss of death. All bandwagon’s I jump on careen horribly into oncoming traffic.
Mid Season Review - The East
If there’s one thing I hate to be called, it’s lazy. So when I got an e-mail this week asking where new episodes were at, I took it to heart. I’m sorry, I left my laptop at the office on Friday because I was going to happy hour. It was probably a good call since I had 6 Harps, 4 Jack on the rocks and a couple jack on the rocks in 5 hours (saving receipts has been very entertaining to say the least. The time stamp on my bill makes it a lot easier to piece together the night). So you were deprived of some ridiculousness. And then I got called out for my sexuality after that last post. I was hesitant about writing it, but decided the title alone made it worth it. Anyway, as opposed to the Sports Guy I take people questioning my work ethic to heart, so I’m giving you my mid season NBA report early. I was going to hold off until after the Super Bowl, but you’re getting the East playoff teams in the Barney Standings right now. In the words of Maximus, “Are you not entertained?”
1. Knicks – I know in a previous entry, I handed them the title. I might have gotten a little ahead of myself on that, but this might be a team for the ages. It’s like the 96 Bulls going 38-3 through the first half or something like that. They still have to win in the playoffs, but as long as nothing goes horribly wrong (i.e. they fire Isiah), they’ll pull it out. I don’t even have enough space to describe how entertaining they’ve been. The only disappointment has been a lack of Zach Randolph’s strip club antics on Page 6.
2. Wizards – Just like on the actual court, when Arenas went down, they looked screwed. And just like on the actual court, others have stepped it up. Deshawn Stevenson has stepped his game and entertainment up: his beard growing contest with Drew Gooden, getting his name and number tatted on his back, general zaniness. We learned that Caron Butler’s nickname is Tough Juice. As a guy who’s named after a purple dinosaur, I would kill for a name like that. Even the rookies are stepping up. Nick Young rocks really bad furs.
3. Magic – A surprise on and off the court, they’re led by Dwight Howard in both categories. Yes, the good Christian knocked up a cheerleader (allegedly). Can’t wait for him to slapped with a paternity suit like he slapped a sticker on the backboard last year. Plus, he’s back in the dunk contest, so I’m prepared for him to be screwed again. Just looking at Turkalu makes me laugh.
4. Pacers – For Jamal Tinsley alone. Getting shot at while out at a club with the equipment manager: Classic. They really miss Stephen Jackson though.
5. Bulls – Two reasons: You can laugh at John Paxson. “Oh really? You really want to hold onto Luol Deng instead of getting Kobe?” “How’s signing Ben Wallace and letting Tyson Chandler working out?” Second, first ballot douchebag hall of famer Joakim Noah was unanimously voted by his teammates to be suspended. I was entertained by that.
6. Heat – Is anyone surprised Pat Riley is talking about leaving after this year? This is a disappointing team on and off the court. I thought there would be at least 3 Ricky Davis arrests on South Beach. I have brief Page 6 stuff on newly single Shaq’s exploits. My boy Smush got arrested for harassing a valet parker. Who is he, Chris Henry? At least White Chocolate compared the employment situation in the NBA to hookers.
7. Cavs – Drew Gooden’s beard contests. Plus Lebron’s supporting cast is an easy punch line.
8. Pistons – For Sheed being Sheed. Besides the fact that I had a dream that involved him, he also wore the old school Ace bandage for a knee brace instead of new sleeve kind. Gangsta.
Mid Season MVP: Tough to pick one player from the Knicks, but I’ll have to go with Marbury, just because he introduced the phrase “Marbury’s Truck” into my lexicon. It can be both a noun and verb. If this word was a draft prospect, Jay Bilas would be touting its versatility. If he called it “long”, I don’t think I’d stop laughing for a week.
Rookie of the Year: Joakim Noah. How dem Gator boys doing? Just see my comments on him in my Draft review in June. How do you like that Chicago winter asshat?
Executive of the Year: Do I even need to mention it?
Most Improved: Deshawn Stevenson. When he got to Washington, I thought all he was bringing was a statutory rape allegation from his Utah days. His youtube shootout with Arenas last year showed the potential. This year, he’s made the most of it.
All Star Starters:G: Marbury
G: Jamal Tinsley
C: Andrew Bogut (he ranted about NBA players jewelry in the off season, only pissing off the 98% of the entire league)
F: Deshawn Stevenson
F: Sheed
So what have we learned from the East? There’s a strong correlation between on court performance and Barney performance. See, this isn’t a total waste of time. Stay tuned for next week’s review of the superior West (just like in real life).
1. Knicks – I know in a previous entry, I handed them the title. I might have gotten a little ahead of myself on that, but this might be a team for the ages. It’s like the 96 Bulls going 38-3 through the first half or something like that. They still have to win in the playoffs, but as long as nothing goes horribly wrong (i.e. they fire Isiah), they’ll pull it out. I don’t even have enough space to describe how entertaining they’ve been. The only disappointment has been a lack of Zach Randolph’s strip club antics on Page 6.
2. Wizards – Just like on the actual court, when Arenas went down, they looked screwed. And just like on the actual court, others have stepped it up. Deshawn Stevenson has stepped his game and entertainment up: his beard growing contest with Drew Gooden, getting his name and number tatted on his back, general zaniness. We learned that Caron Butler’s nickname is Tough Juice. As a guy who’s named after a purple dinosaur, I would kill for a name like that. Even the rookies are stepping up. Nick Young rocks really bad furs.
3. Magic – A surprise on and off the court, they’re led by Dwight Howard in both categories. Yes, the good Christian knocked up a cheerleader (allegedly). Can’t wait for him to slapped with a paternity suit like he slapped a sticker on the backboard last year. Plus, he’s back in the dunk contest, so I’m prepared for him to be screwed again. Just looking at Turkalu makes me laugh.
4. Pacers – For Jamal Tinsley alone. Getting shot at while out at a club with the equipment manager: Classic. They really miss Stephen Jackson though.
5. Bulls – Two reasons: You can laugh at John Paxson. “Oh really? You really want to hold onto Luol Deng instead of getting Kobe?” “How’s signing Ben Wallace and letting Tyson Chandler working out?” Second, first ballot douchebag hall of famer Joakim Noah was unanimously voted by his teammates to be suspended. I was entertained by that.
6. Heat – Is anyone surprised Pat Riley is talking about leaving after this year? This is a disappointing team on and off the court. I thought there would be at least 3 Ricky Davis arrests on South Beach. I have brief Page 6 stuff on newly single Shaq’s exploits. My boy Smush got arrested for harassing a valet parker. Who is he, Chris Henry? At least White Chocolate compared the employment situation in the NBA to hookers.
7. Cavs – Drew Gooden’s beard contests. Plus Lebron’s supporting cast is an easy punch line.
8. Pistons – For Sheed being Sheed. Besides the fact that I had a dream that involved him, he also wore the old school Ace bandage for a knee brace instead of new sleeve kind. Gangsta.
Mid Season MVP: Tough to pick one player from the Knicks, but I’ll have to go with Marbury, just because he introduced the phrase “Marbury’s Truck” into my lexicon. It can be both a noun and verb. If this word was a draft prospect, Jay Bilas would be touting its versatility. If he called it “long”, I don’t think I’d stop laughing for a week.
Rookie of the Year: Joakim Noah. How dem Gator boys doing? Just see my comments on him in my Draft review in June. How do you like that Chicago winter asshat?
Executive of the Year: Do I even need to mention it?
Most Improved: Deshawn Stevenson. When he got to Washington, I thought all he was bringing was a statutory rape allegation from his Utah days. His youtube shootout with Arenas last year showed the potential. This year, he’s made the most of it.
All Star Starters:G: Marbury
G: Jamal Tinsley
C: Andrew Bogut (he ranted about NBA players jewelry in the off season, only pissing off the 98% of the entire league)
F: Deshawn Stevenson
F: Sheed
So what have we learned from the East? There’s a strong correlation between on court performance and Barney performance. See, this isn’t a total waste of time. Stay tuned for next week’s review of the superior West (just like in real life).
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Women: Can't Live With Them and They Can't Pee Standing Up
Because I’m constantly looking for ways to entertain you (How about that episode title? One of the greatest lines in movie history if you ask me), the reader, I submit to you another example of karma kicking my ass for being an asshole for all those years: due to staff changes, my office now entirely consists of women. It’s the Barn Man and 5 chicks, ranging in age from 23 to 55. In the past month I think I’ve learned more about women than in my previous 23 years combined. I’ve come to one conclusion: they are bat shit insane. (If you thought I’m going on some Mel Gibson, “What Women Want” tangent, you are sorely mistaken and probably do not have the same expectations for this blog as I do.) What else have I learned (besides to never call myself Barn Man)?
They’re highly emotional. I feel like Omar Gooding in “Baby Boy”, saying that they’re too emotional (and if you’re thinking I reference Omar Gooding because he was also in Nickelodeon’s “Wild N Crazy Kids” you are correct. Not a moment goes by in that movie when I don’t want to ask, “What happened to Donny?”). But they are. I’ve had at least 3 women have flipped out and started crying in front of me. That’s an average of once every 5 weeks I have to deal with awkward shit. In fact, I just had to deal with someone losing her shit for 30 minutes in the office, then calling me to talk for 15 minutes after she left. What is that shit? Why me? I’m the most unemotional person I can think of. In fact, I told her after she finished her first episode, “This isn’t like spreadsheets. They have real answers. I don’t know what to tell you.” I’m pretty sure if the person you’re trying to get emotional with is referencing Excel, they’re not the person you should be spilling your guts to. I mean, I comfort myself by drinking bourbon, and suppressing the emotion. I suggest you do the same. Or find someone better to talk to.
I’ve also learned that apparently, I’m a dreamboat for women 35 and older. Here are a few of the things I’ve been told lately. Not that I believe them. “You’re going to make someone a great husband one day.” (Yes, I’m sure someone is looking forward to seeing me leave the house at 5 am and not return until 8 pm. Then upon returning home I will drink as much Jack as possible before passing out. I’m sure this is every woman’s dream, right? Because if it is, I’ve been squandering more potential than JR Rider.)
“You spoil me. You treat me too well.” (No, I do your job for you because you’re lazy and incompetent. You’d eventually pass this work on to me, but I saw this coming and headed it off before you could dump it on me at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon).
The kicker is what my manager told me: “If I was 15 years younger, we should be dating…well that and if I wasn’t married.” Wait, wait, wait, hold up right there. Age and marriage are the kickers in our potential relationship? Not the fact that you weigh 100 pounds more than me and I’m not even in shape? I’m glad you just assumed that I would let that slide (I know I went to a tech school, so my standards have been distorted somewhat. But not that much. Thank God for Biz Tech sometimes).
Anyway, because I haven’t had a good drinking story in awhile for you guys, I will continue to tell you this story. To make matters worse, my coworkers think that my manager (we’ll call her the Manatee) is secretly in love with me. They have good evidence of this (I think she said that she “loved” me once in a business sense, but I ignore half of the things she says so I might have missed what was actually said. I usually start picturing monkeys dancing after 45 seconds of her talking non-stop). Plus she comes over to my desk and stands in weird, potentially suggestive positions. I’m in complete denial. And there will be no relationship. Not because she’s obese, or married, or older. It’s because she’s completely inept at her job and that would piss me off more than anything.
So that got me thinking (I have to conserve this skill. My brain only continues to function for a few minutes a day. It’s like it only works via solar power. God that was an awful metaphor. Sorry, couldn’t think of anything else.). What does this relationship remind me of? I could only come to one conclusion: She’s Isiah and I’m Anucha Brown-Sanders (alright, maybe I could have thought a little bit more about this, but if I can compare someone to the worst GM in the history of sports, I’m going to do it 9 times out of 10.). Let’s go through the similarities:Creating a Hostile Workplace: Isiah calls people a “bitch” and does not “give a fuck about white people.” Manatee tells embarrassing stories about her family and has the social graces of a leper. Manatee has also called a female coworker a “bitch”. But this was allowed under Isiah’s rules because it wasn’t a white male using this term to describe a black female. Thanks Isiah.
Sexual Harassment: Isiah compares relationships to “Love and Basketball.” She says that we should be dating, asks me about my views on adultery, and calls me her “work husband.” I’d actually rather have the “Love and Basketball” metaphor because then I could say, “If that’s the case, then this isn’t going to work. I can’t take that movie seriously because the chick in that movie pulls up from 3 on a breakaway.” (I’ve actually used a variation of this before. It got me out of the movie, but getting some was out of the question that night. This girl also had to deal with me stopping in the middle of sex to watch replay after replay of McGrady throwing it off the backboard to himself in the middle of the 2002 all star game. I wonder why this relationship didn’t work out?)
Complete Incompetence in Their Jobs: Isiah’s actions have been well documented in my blog. The Manatee does absolutely nothing all day except yell at her delinquent kids and shop on eBay, yet she takes all the credit. Like I mentioned before, this is the part that would keep this from working. I couldn’t deal with her asking me how to run a report from a system she freakin’ designed.
So when I do quit, maybe I could get a sexual harassment case going. I do have that going for me (ummm….maybe I should reevaluate my life if a sexual harassment case is a positive).
What else have I learned about women?
They really like to cook. I’ve heard more debates regarding the best way to cook stuff than I care to know. I’ve heard simple recipes that you can do in 15 minutes. And I continue to enjoy my skillet sensations every night. If you really wanted to impress me, you’d give me a recipe for another liquor I could mix with Henn Rock that would taste as good as an Incredible Hulk
They know how to hate. I thought I could hate. I mean, I’ve said everything about JJ Reddick in the book, but I’ve never wished death on him. These women, they’ve not only wished death on coworkers, but painful deaths at that. I actually want to keep people around that I don’t like for comedy purposes.
They have no taste in movies. I had two of them tell me, being completely honest, that “Troy” was a better movie than “Gladiator.” Umm…I didn’t even need to see Troy to know it sucked. They also failed to see the brilliance in Gladiator. They were apparently not swayed by my argument that it won the Best Picture award that year. They just wanted to see guys with their shirts off. And they say that men are superficial.
Anyway, I think I’m bitching too much. This whole emotional thing might be rubbing off on me. I’ll just go back to my normal method of venting by drinking lots of Jack and passing out instead of blogging anonymously on the internet. Sorry for wasting 5 minutes of your life. I’m realizing now this episode sucks, but I’ll post it because I don’t have any other ideas for the foreseeable future.
They’re highly emotional. I feel like Omar Gooding in “Baby Boy”, saying that they’re too emotional (and if you’re thinking I reference Omar Gooding because he was also in Nickelodeon’s “Wild N Crazy Kids” you are correct. Not a moment goes by in that movie when I don’t want to ask, “What happened to Donny?”). But they are. I’ve had at least 3 women have flipped out and started crying in front of me. That’s an average of once every 5 weeks I have to deal with awkward shit. In fact, I just had to deal with someone losing her shit for 30 minutes in the office, then calling me to talk for 15 minutes after she left. What is that shit? Why me? I’m the most unemotional person I can think of. In fact, I told her after she finished her first episode, “This isn’t like spreadsheets. They have real answers. I don’t know what to tell you.” I’m pretty sure if the person you’re trying to get emotional with is referencing Excel, they’re not the person you should be spilling your guts to. I mean, I comfort myself by drinking bourbon, and suppressing the emotion. I suggest you do the same. Or find someone better to talk to.
I’ve also learned that apparently, I’m a dreamboat for women 35 and older. Here are a few of the things I’ve been told lately. Not that I believe them. “You’re going to make someone a great husband one day.” (Yes, I’m sure someone is looking forward to seeing me leave the house at 5 am and not return until 8 pm. Then upon returning home I will drink as much Jack as possible before passing out. I’m sure this is every woman’s dream, right? Because if it is, I’ve been squandering more potential than JR Rider.)
“You spoil me. You treat me too well.” (No, I do your job for you because you’re lazy and incompetent. You’d eventually pass this work on to me, but I saw this coming and headed it off before you could dump it on me at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon).
The kicker is what my manager told me: “If I was 15 years younger, we should be dating…well that and if I wasn’t married.” Wait, wait, wait, hold up right there. Age and marriage are the kickers in our potential relationship? Not the fact that you weigh 100 pounds more than me and I’m not even in shape? I’m glad you just assumed that I would let that slide (I know I went to a tech school, so my standards have been distorted somewhat. But not that much. Thank God for Biz Tech sometimes).
Anyway, because I haven’t had a good drinking story in awhile for you guys, I will continue to tell you this story. To make matters worse, my coworkers think that my manager (we’ll call her the Manatee) is secretly in love with me. They have good evidence of this (I think she said that she “loved” me once in a business sense, but I ignore half of the things she says so I might have missed what was actually said. I usually start picturing monkeys dancing after 45 seconds of her talking non-stop). Plus she comes over to my desk and stands in weird, potentially suggestive positions. I’m in complete denial. And there will be no relationship. Not because she’s obese, or married, or older. It’s because she’s completely inept at her job and that would piss me off more than anything.
So that got me thinking (I have to conserve this skill. My brain only continues to function for a few minutes a day. It’s like it only works via solar power. God that was an awful metaphor. Sorry, couldn’t think of anything else.). What does this relationship remind me of? I could only come to one conclusion: She’s Isiah and I’m Anucha Brown-Sanders (alright, maybe I could have thought a little bit more about this, but if I can compare someone to the worst GM in the history of sports, I’m going to do it 9 times out of 10.). Let’s go through the similarities:Creating a Hostile Workplace: Isiah calls people a “bitch” and does not “give a fuck about white people.” Manatee tells embarrassing stories about her family and has the social graces of a leper. Manatee has also called a female coworker a “bitch”. But this was allowed under Isiah’s rules because it wasn’t a white male using this term to describe a black female. Thanks Isiah.
Sexual Harassment: Isiah compares relationships to “Love and Basketball.” She says that we should be dating, asks me about my views on adultery, and calls me her “work husband.” I’d actually rather have the “Love and Basketball” metaphor because then I could say, “If that’s the case, then this isn’t going to work. I can’t take that movie seriously because the chick in that movie pulls up from 3 on a breakaway.” (I’ve actually used a variation of this before. It got me out of the movie, but getting some was out of the question that night. This girl also had to deal with me stopping in the middle of sex to watch replay after replay of McGrady throwing it off the backboard to himself in the middle of the 2002 all star game. I wonder why this relationship didn’t work out?)
Complete Incompetence in Their Jobs: Isiah’s actions have been well documented in my blog. The Manatee does absolutely nothing all day except yell at her delinquent kids and shop on eBay, yet she takes all the credit. Like I mentioned before, this is the part that would keep this from working. I couldn’t deal with her asking me how to run a report from a system she freakin’ designed.
So when I do quit, maybe I could get a sexual harassment case going. I do have that going for me (ummm….maybe I should reevaluate my life if a sexual harassment case is a positive).
What else have I learned about women?
They really like to cook. I’ve heard more debates regarding the best way to cook stuff than I care to know. I’ve heard simple recipes that you can do in 15 minutes. And I continue to enjoy my skillet sensations every night. If you really wanted to impress me, you’d give me a recipe for another liquor I could mix with Henn Rock that would taste as good as an Incredible Hulk
They know how to hate. I thought I could hate. I mean, I’ve said everything about JJ Reddick in the book, but I’ve never wished death on him. These women, they’ve not only wished death on coworkers, but painful deaths at that. I actually want to keep people around that I don’t like for comedy purposes.
They have no taste in movies. I had two of them tell me, being completely honest, that “Troy” was a better movie than “Gladiator.” Umm…I didn’t even need to see Troy to know it sucked. They also failed to see the brilliance in Gladiator. They were apparently not swayed by my argument that it won the Best Picture award that year. They just wanted to see guys with their shirts off. And they say that men are superficial.
Anyway, I think I’m bitching too much. This whole emotional thing might be rubbing off on me. I’ll just go back to my normal method of venting by drinking lots of Jack and passing out instead of blogging anonymously on the internet. Sorry for wasting 5 minutes of your life. I’m realizing now this episode sucks, but I’ll post it because I don’t have any other ideas for the foreseeable future.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Easy MF'ing E
Since I made the mature decision to stop calling Eli Manning, “Elisha” since he got to the Super Bowl, I needed a new name to call him. Thanks to SportsCenter this weekend, my prayers were answered. His family apparently calls him “Easy”. So from now on, in this blog, Eli Manning will now be referred to as “Easy E”.
And in this link, he’s Easy MF’ing E:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01282008/news/columnists/hunky_elis_a_real_manning_379597.htm
And in this link, he’s Easy MF’ing E:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01282008/news/columnists/hunky_elis_a_real_manning_379597.htm
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Like Father, Like Son
You probably think I’m going with a Birdman story, but no, this is about Isiah Thomas’s son:http://www.nydailynews.com/news/ny_crime/2008/01/25/2008-01-25_isiah_thomas_19yearold_son_busted_in_ind-1.html
This story has it all: Profanity, vomiting and passing out in the back of a police cruiser, bar fights. I think my favorite part however, is that Isiah’s son goes by the name of DJ Zeke. I’m pretty sure he buys records for $100 each, gives them a few spins, and then doesn’t do anything else with them. Enjoy this article.
This story has it all: Profanity, vomiting and passing out in the back of a police cruiser, bar fights. I think my favorite part however, is that Isiah’s son goes by the name of DJ Zeke. I’m pretty sure he buys records for $100 each, gives them a few spins, and then doesn’t do anything else with them. Enjoy this article.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Dreams
Since Martin Luther King Day was Monday, let me talk about my dream I had last night. (Another well done introduction Barnes, I must say.)
I’ve somehow achieved my boyhood dream of playing in the NBA. I’m on the Detroit Pistons playing alongside Rip Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace (I’m assuming I’ve replaced Chauncey Billups because he’s not on the court with us). It’s the final seconds of the game and I get a kickout and drive to the hoop. I get clobbered but there’s no foul. Fast forward to the next game. I’m back out there in crunchtime and once again I get the ball with the game on the line (the second game was slightly different. Game 1 was in an NBA arena. This one was played in my parent’s living room for some reason. There were hoops, markings, everything like an NBA floor, except it was in my parent’s living room.) I drive again, get fouled even harder than the night before and still no call. I turn and look at the ref and he’s just staring at my mom’s chair. I absolutely lose it. I’m throwing things in the locker room, cursing everyone out. I get up to the press conference and say, “I know this will probably get me fined, but I don’t understand a league where officiating integrity is one of its major problems can continue to have such incompetent people doing this job.” A reporter asks me a question, I reply, “Both teams played hard.” Another asks a different question, same response. After a few more responses exactly the same, the reporters move on to Sheed. During my “Both teams played hard” monologue, Sheed seemed entertained, bobbing his head as if in agreement, but not saying anything. Now it’s Sheed’s turn to talk…and I wake up.
Yes, this was an actual dream I had last night. I don’t think I could make this up, nor do I know how I remember this in such detail. (How bad is it that I have dreams like this? I might need psychological help. I can’t wait to spend my first hour telling Rasheed Wallace backstories so that the psychologist can understand this stories context. Best $100 I’ll ever spend. I can't believe I woke up right before he spoke.). Anyway, the moral of this story is that dreams don’t mean anything. Brock claimed to have a dream Friday night with the final score of the NFC Championship where the Packers prevailed. On Monday, he recanted his story and on Tuesday, he claimed his dream had a different meaning. Friday night he watched a movie staring Heath Ledger and then look what happened. I’m not sure how his dream about football foreshadowed a Hollywood actor’s death, but he claims he has powers. If these powers apply to everyone, the cast of Superbad should be on watch. Because that’s what I watched Tuesday night.
I’ve somehow achieved my boyhood dream of playing in the NBA. I’m on the Detroit Pistons playing alongside Rip Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace (I’m assuming I’ve replaced Chauncey Billups because he’s not on the court with us). It’s the final seconds of the game and I get a kickout and drive to the hoop. I get clobbered but there’s no foul. Fast forward to the next game. I’m back out there in crunchtime and once again I get the ball with the game on the line (the second game was slightly different. Game 1 was in an NBA arena. This one was played in my parent’s living room for some reason. There were hoops, markings, everything like an NBA floor, except it was in my parent’s living room.) I drive again, get fouled even harder than the night before and still no call. I turn and look at the ref and he’s just staring at my mom’s chair. I absolutely lose it. I’m throwing things in the locker room, cursing everyone out. I get up to the press conference and say, “I know this will probably get me fined, but I don’t understand a league where officiating integrity is one of its major problems can continue to have such incompetent people doing this job.” A reporter asks me a question, I reply, “Both teams played hard.” Another asks a different question, same response. After a few more responses exactly the same, the reporters move on to Sheed. During my “Both teams played hard” monologue, Sheed seemed entertained, bobbing his head as if in agreement, but not saying anything. Now it’s Sheed’s turn to talk…and I wake up.
Yes, this was an actual dream I had last night. I don’t think I could make this up, nor do I know how I remember this in such detail. (How bad is it that I have dreams like this? I might need psychological help. I can’t wait to spend my first hour telling Rasheed Wallace backstories so that the psychologist can understand this stories context. Best $100 I’ll ever spend. I can't believe I woke up right before he spoke.). Anyway, the moral of this story is that dreams don’t mean anything. Brock claimed to have a dream Friday night with the final score of the NFC Championship where the Packers prevailed. On Monday, he recanted his story and on Tuesday, he claimed his dream had a different meaning. Friday night he watched a movie staring Heath Ledger and then look what happened. I’m not sure how his dream about football foreshadowed a Hollywood actor’s death, but he claims he has powers. If these powers apply to everyone, the cast of Superbad should be on watch. Because that’s what I watched Tuesday night.
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