Earlier in the week, I noted that Chuck called the Wizards the “dumbest team in the history of Western civilization.” He might have to take that back because Josh Howard might have single handedly put the Mavs over the top with his comments about weed. Not because he actually smokes (An NBA player smokes weed when not playing? No way. You have to be joking. I thought they spent their offseasons visiting the Land of Gumdrops and Chocolate Kisses. In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic.), but when he did this. You’re down 2-0 in the first round and this is the day you decide to make this admission? You’re pretty much asking for the other teams fans to go nuts on you. Alright, I’ll get off my soap box and get to the two good things that came out of this.
First is that he did this on the Michael Irvin Show on Dallas radio. If you asked me which radio show an NBA player would admit to smoking weed on, Michael Irvin’s would be my first, second, third and possibly fourth picks. I’m glad ESPN was able to find a way to keep Michael Irvin employed because you never know when you’ll need someone caught with coke and strippers to ask drug related questions.
Second was that it allowed Jalen Rose to show off his sheer brilliance. Here’s what his thoughts were on the situation. “To quote the philosopher David Chappelle, this is an example of when keeping it real goes wrong.” There is nothing I can say that will come close to that, so I’ll end this.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
I Got a Story to Tell
Alright, its not really that great of a story. It’s not like Biggie robbing a New York Knick guard after banging his chick. But if someone I know has an encounter with Lebron, I’m going to talk about it. I’m still pissed that my brother just casually mentioned last spring that he played against Lebron in AAU ball back in the day. Anyway, my friend LA gets press passes to the Wizards. I would have beaten LA and left her in a ditch at some point to get that press pass, except the press pass has a picture on it and I’m pretty sure I can’t pass for a female (especially for a game after work when I have the 5 o’clock shadow working). So I have to get my NBA information second hand. Anyway, here’s her account of last night’s post game press conference:
“He was in a post game press conference, and I was front row. We were all walking out and there were so many people. Someone shoved me into him outside the media lounge and my big bag smashed into him. I turn and realize oh fuck. I go “Oh shit, ohmygod I'm so sorry". HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME and smiles and goes, "It's ok hun" and winks. He then went back to asking his stylist or whatever it was with him if his sunglasses were ok with that jacket to wear at night.”
Two things stand out to me. 1, Bron Bron apparently loves the white girls (and I find out on the day Kobe’s traveling back to Colorado. Let’s hope Lebron doesn’t get any ideas from the Black Mamba. (Anyone else think he called it that when he whipped it out on Colorado girl? Alright, I’ll stop saying everything that comes into my head.)). And 2, I won’t be able to look at him for the next two weeks without having Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night” in my head.
If you haven’t been paying attention to this series, Washington hates Lebron. DeShawn Stevenson invited Soulja Boy to the game because of James’s earlier comments (see the episode earlier this week). Needless to say, this has not endeared me to supporting the Wizards. Anyway, LA had a chance to go party with Soulja Boy, but declined. She did, however, get this account of the night for me:
“The skinny fuck was too busy drinking and super soaking hoes”.
So yeah, anytime I get a chance to make Lebron-white girl and Soulja Boy jokes, I will. Got a problem with that?
“He was in a post game press conference, and I was front row. We were all walking out and there were so many people. Someone shoved me into him outside the media lounge and my big bag smashed into him. I turn and realize oh fuck. I go “Oh shit, ohmygod I'm so sorry". HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ME and smiles and goes, "It's ok hun" and winks. He then went back to asking his stylist or whatever it was with him if his sunglasses were ok with that jacket to wear at night.”
Two things stand out to me. 1, Bron Bron apparently loves the white girls (and I find out on the day Kobe’s traveling back to Colorado. Let’s hope Lebron doesn’t get any ideas from the Black Mamba. (Anyone else think he called it that when he whipped it out on Colorado girl? Alright, I’ll stop saying everything that comes into my head.)). And 2, I won’t be able to look at him for the next two weeks without having Corey Hart’s “Sunglasses at Night” in my head.
If you haven’t been paying attention to this series, Washington hates Lebron. DeShawn Stevenson invited Soulja Boy to the game because of James’s earlier comments (see the episode earlier this week). Needless to say, this has not endeared me to supporting the Wizards. Anyway, LA had a chance to go party with Soulja Boy, but declined. She did, however, get this account of the night for me:
“The skinny fuck was too busy drinking and super soaking hoes”.
So yeah, anytime I get a chance to make Lebron-white girl and Soulja Boy jokes, I will. Got a problem with that?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
2007 NFL Draft
Wait a second, the NFL Draft is in 3 days? I need to get into the right mood. Though that mood mostly consists of preparing myself mentally for the Jets to pass on Run DMC. Hearing that Kellen Clemens cried when the Pope came to America last week didn’t help that mood. I’m pretty sure someone named Matt Ryan from Boston College would do the same, so its not like that’s a favorable option. Anyway, to help get me in the mood, I’m going all out. Here, in its 6,000 word entirety is my running diary of last year’s draft. I did this for no other reason than to mail to my brother who couldn’t watch it because he was about to go to Iraq. Hence, all the Eli Manning jokes. Also note, that when this was written, Reggie Bush and Vince Young’s careers both looked a lot better than they do now (I’m not giving up on Vince just yet though. Not by a long shot.)and the Jets were 10-6 instead of 5-11. Some things I come across as being very right about (I say Clemens did steroids 7 months before the Mitchell Report did, I predict that Moss and Peterson will have monster year), others not so much (I called the 49ers ‘smart’). There are also a lot of references to Brady Quinn’s girlfriend. If you didn’t watch the draft last year, you probably wouldn’t understand. And I don’t care. Some of those jokes are funny (emphasis on some). Anyway, enjoy a lot of non-sense that didn’t require much work from me recently.
Another year, another NFL draft that I’m hung over for. Much like the Masters, it’s becoming a tradition unlike any other. I’m watching Sports Center now getting ready for this years draft. Remind me not to be alive on September 8th. Virginia Tech plays LSU. Normally, this would be interesting to me. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can deal with the whole “who’s tragedies were worse and who recovered the best” contest that will come out of it. We’re 3 minutes into this diary and I’m already negative. You’d probably want to carve out a bunch of time for this. We’re looking at a bunch of pages on 8 font.
Man, do I love the draft. They had an article in Sports Illustrated this week and some one was making the case that the draft is the biggest event in sports. It sounded ridiculous at first, but what other event do people prep months for? It might not be the cultural event that the Super Bowl or other championships are, but it’s more of an event for true fans. Random people don’t watch the draft, but NFL fans live for it. Add to the fact that every team has a stake in it (except for the Redskins. They have the 6th pick and that’s it for them on Saturday. I think they have three guys who played 10% of their downs this year total in exchange. As a football fan, I’m not enjoying the Daniel Snyder era) and it gets more interesting. Besides Colts and Bears fans, who really cared who won? I mean, the gamblers obviously, but that’s how they make it interesting to the rest of us. The draft, I’m sitting here seeing maybe 20 downs of Miami football all year, and I’m hoping their tight end is there at 26 to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.
They just showed the four consecutive home runs the Red Sox hit last week…in Spanish. Picture your typical soccer announcer announcing baseball and you get how insane that guy was. Just a great moment. The Yankees are pathetic now and I’m kind of enjoying it, but its not the same. I guess this is how the CIA felt after the Soviet Union fell. I need a new, capable enemy. The one thing that’s really bothering is Rivera. He’s not the same, his cutter just isn’t cutting. As much as I hate the Yankees, I have the utmost respect for the real Yankees (Jeter, Rivera, Bernie Williams. Posada’s still a prick though) and I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop with Yankee fans where they get on Rivera and start booing him. If they ever do a countdown of Yankee Fans Douchebaggery, the moment they booed Rivera IN APRIL should be number one. Here’s the best pitcher of the past 20 years (I don’t recognize Clemens. He’s on steroids or something and I will not debate this. We question how Bonds gets better at 35, but credit Clemens resurgence to running 4 miles a day? Yeah, OK. If he was breaking pitching’s hallowed records, please believe that someone from a Texas newspaper would be investigating. Plus, he hasn’t come through in the post season. And him throwing a bat at Piazza and not getting ejecting might be the biggest injustice in my life. I’m still pissed about this six and half years later. And yes, I just inserted the Stephen A. Smith ‘please believe’ phrase. See what he does to me? He turns me into Stephen A. Smith) and should be above any criticism. But if the Yankees pick up Clemens, my sympathies for the Yankees ends. I hope they lose 100 games then.
Also on Sportscenter, they just had the former Titans GM talking about the time he pulled one over on the Giants when they got Shockey. Yet, Coughlin couldn’t pull one over on him. If that doesn’t make you hate your life, I don’t know what will. Also, apparently Keyshawn Johnson will be on set of today’s draft. Why? Why? I know they got rid of Michael Irvin, but why? You get the same irrational wide receiver opinions without the comedic joy of realizing “wait, this guy was found in a motel room with hookers and crack.” You can’t put a price on that ESPN. And Keyshawn just advocated for a guy who was kicked out of USC for selling ecstasy. It takes a lot to get kicked out of USC (free housing, steroids, etc) and this guy managed to do it. And yes, I’m still extremely bitter about Bush’s push. If Keyshawn’s going to push USC guys today, this running diary might end earlier than expected. And Sportscenter just had a tease asking how Brady Quinn is like Derek Jeter . It’s 10:38, I’ve had one margarita and its nap time for me before I see that piece. Be back in an hour.
11:59 AM, and we’re back. ESPN’s about to go through its ridiculous pregame. Uh oh. They have Rocky music in the background. If I could be more excited, I don’t know if its possible. Good call ESPN. It’s like Rocky meets Wall Street.
12:01 PM: We’re hear at the “Annual Selection Meeting of the National Football League.” That’s another reason I love the draft. For the way it takes itself so seriously. That and Mel Kiper Jr. Does anyone in America have a better job? He watches football all year, but only works the month of April. I think ESPN sent out a memo comparing him to Santa in that he only works one day a year.
12:04 PM: And NY is booing Keyshawn. I miss NY sometimes. They also booed Mike Vick (well deserved by the way for his utterly ridiculous behavior recently) during the Virginia Tech tribute.
12:07: And we’ve had our first Coors Light commercial. Then a Madden 08 commercial where Reggie Bush thanks Houston for not taking him. It’s a year later and that’s still the dumbest thing of all time. Bush and Vince Young going after Mario Williams is the Bowie over Jordan for the 21st century, if Bowie went over both Jordan and Olajuwon.
12:09: Oakland’s on the clock, and Chris Berman can say “Da Raidas” as only he can as much as he can in the next 15 minutes. Over/Under is 3.5.
12:11: I love the phrase “multiple trade situations” with the first pick. And the “unprecedented” level of silence in the green room because no one knows what Al Davis will do. Ja Marcus Russell can apparently throw the ball 85 yards. How that’s a relevant skill, I’ll never know. Throwing it 64 yards on a knee was pretty impressive though. They just showed the video of it, and its pretty cool.
12:16: Thank you Steve Young for saying “I would not put a premium on arm strength.” His three skills are leadership, aptitude and accuracy. On ESPN a scout the other day they had leadership as the # 5 on the skills he looks in a QB. I think the thing we learned with Vince Young is that all that throwing shit goes out the window. If Tom Brady was killed in a airplane going back and forth between his baby mommas, Vince Young might be the QB I pick if my team had to win one game for my life. We’ll be back in a bit on this after the first pick.
12:20: Ja Marcus Russell goes # 1. And Notre Dame’s defense gets another QB millions of dollars. I’m not extremely high on him. The one game I really saw him at Auburn, his team scored 7 points. And he had some awful throws and decisions on the final drive. Plus, he was on BET the other day and looked just like Young Jeezy. I like my QB to not look like a rap star. Maybe that’s just me.
12:22: And we’ve had our first Eli mention. “The jury is out on Eli as the first pick.” I’m just trying to antagonize you today, you know that, right?
12:22: Ok, back to Vince. Let’s not get it confused. The only reason he went # 3 last year was because Tennessee’s owner basically put the gauntlet down that he was their pick. See that’s what we need more of: less scouts, more people who just watch a football game and know who’s good. And no one I’ve ever seen is as good in college at leading as VY.
12:24: EA sports is just killing Houston right now. My boy VY just said “I didn’t go # 1, and I definitely didn’t want to lose my first game back home in Houston” and showed his 40 yard run in OT to win it back in November. I’m hoping this trend of killing Houston continues all afternoon.
12:27: Al Davis throws a kink into the draft because he’s old. Matt Milen does the same because he’s a moron. Apparently they’re taking Calvin Johnson, the fourth WR in five years. But he still might get traded to Tampa. The Lions want 2 2nd round picks. That’s pretty high.
12:30: Calvin Johnson goes # 2. I saw this guy against Notre Dame and he was unbelievable. I mean 6’5” with a 4.35 IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES. He wasn’t going to run at the combine and got pissed off and decided to run and he ran 4.35. And Mel Kiper hit on the biggest thing, he PLAYED WITH REGGIE BALL. Reggie Ball might have been the worst QB at a major college and they still made it to the ACC championship. He looked like a man against boys in the first half, and then they stopped going to him in the second half. ND put two people on him, when that still was a mismatch, but Reggie didn’t throw it to him. And now Steve Young just said that he didn’t throw blame on Reggie Ball when everyone knew it was his fault. I’m high as hell on this guy.
12:35: They just showed Brady with his arm around some girl. Please don’t tell me that was his girlfriend. I love you Brady, but you can do better. As Black Rob would say in 1998, her nose was “like whoa.” Also Brady, don’t slick your hair back like a douche bag. Enough people hate ND. Please don’t turn it into Duke basketball.
12:36: And our first Under Armor commercial. Not as good as last years, Nike seemed to get the majority of the first draftees and already has an ad campaign out. No Vernon Davis and his other wordly body this year.
12:40: See this is why you get your draft info from me: the hotness of Quinn’s girlfriend and Under Armor commercials.
12:42: And Cleveland selects Joe Thomas from Wisconsin. The first “curveball” of the draft as Berman said. I don’t like this guy. He’s on a fishing boat today. I can understand you don’t want to deal with all the BS of the draft. But don’t let the NFL network put a camera on your boat. Don’t pull the “I’m so real” shit with a camera on. The only one who does that is Jennifer Lopez, and the only reason I listened to that song was because Jadakiss and Styles were on that track.
12:44: Cleveland, you’re QB is Charlie Frye and your RB is Jamal Lewis. You’re officially on the clock for next years draft next year.
12:45: Tampa’s on the clock. How is it that Chris Simms is a starter in the NFL and Major Applewhite is the offensive coordinator at Alabama. Chris Simms sucked in college and Major would bring Texas back. And yes, I’m still mad about this 5 years later. I don’t know why. I’m a bitter, bitter man.
12:47: Mort just said Brady looked like a “magazine model” and then was speechless. That was fun. Brady’s now being interviewed by Suzy Kolber, and he looks like he’s at a wedding. Brady, your stock is going down in my book. We’ll get to that some more when he’s picked.
12:50: Keyshawn just called his backup QB “nothing, basically”. I’m sure Chris Weinke doesn’t appreciate that, but then again, Chris Weinke should just put a tube in his exhaust pipe and shut the windows.
12:54: Tampa picks Gaines Adams. I like him because he has something shaved into the side of his head. The legend of Anthony Mason lives on. Though I would be leery of selecting someone who apparently doesn’t care about run defense.
12:56: I love Madden. They’re not even selling the game, but the mystique of their game. They’re like Nike back in the day where they could have Jordan for 29 seconds and throw up the swoosh sign for a second and their stock would go up 2%. They even say “product not available” or something like that. I’ve had some more tequila so I’m not 100% right now.
1:03: Arizona takes Levi Brown, O Tackle from Penn State. Brady and Adrian Peterson are still available.
1:04: Washington is on the clock and I’m fully expecting anything from these morons. This is their only pick today because they traded the rest away. If they don’t take Abomi Okoye from Louisville or Laron Landry from LSU, they’re bigger morons.
1:08: They just said the Brady Quinn is showing a lot of poise. I agree because he had to deal with the worst loss in history. Worse than the Red Sox in game 6 in 86. During the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, not only did he get smacked around by Ohio State, but he had to deal with the fact that the linebacker doing that smacking would also be smacking his sister’s ass fairly soon. There’s also the possibility that he ran into an Ohio State groupie on the way to the airport and got a little dome action. Plus, Brent Musberger was commenting on his sister all afternoon. If a guy can deal with that, he can deal with anything.
1:17: The Redskins take Laron Landry. They just showed a highlight clip of him and he just annihilated a bunch of people. With him and Sean Taylor they have the best secondary for making Jacked Up.
1:18: Minnesota’s on the clock. C’mon flashback of them missing their pick.
1:21: Brooks Bollinger started 9 games last year for Minnesota. I’ve been on the Bollinger bus, and that’s never good.
1:24: If there’s more proof that the NFL is America’s game, the fact that they just had a fantasy football commercial for nfl.com’s “early bird specials”, that’s it. If you’re doing a fantasy draft before mini camps, you might have problems. And that’s from a guy who’s doing a running diary of their draft and made the draft the focus of his entire week.
1:25: Yes, the flashback of them missing their pick. I cannot wait for the flashback of bad Jets draft picks, if only because this is the first year I’ve ever been completely comfortable with the management making the pick. I have complete confidence in Mangenius and the Jew GM. In past years, seeing Herm Edwards made me want to do what Chris Weinke should do.
1:27: Minnesota selects Peterson. Tremendous pick. I love Peterson as well. This reminds me of the time Moss fell to them and he had a ridiculous rookie year. Peterson ran a 4.39 and is a beast. I love this pick. Keyshawn just summed it up: “I’m scared of this guy.” Add to the fact that their coach has a porn mustache, I might be scared of this team in the NFC North. I’ve enjoyed the Peterson experience the past 3 years. Just an absolute monster. I don’t think it’s possible for me to like this pick even more. Add to that his dad gets to see him now, and I’m genuinely happy for this guy. And Berman just quoted someone saying he’s a “violent runner.” Yes, lets all do a tequila shot for him. And by all, I mean just me.
1:34: They just did a side view of Quinn’s girlfriends face and it was like whoa squared. Plus she’s wearing a tie for some reason. Lindy Slinger, they just put her name on tv with the title of “Brady Quinn’s Girlfriend”. Now I know why Brady’s falling.
1:37: Tony Kornheiser just commented on Quinn looking stressed and that his collar came out of his vest. Brady just put his collar back in. That was the highlight of the draft so far.
1:38: Atlanta takes Jamaal Anderson from Arkansas. This is absolute sacrilege on Atlanta’s part. Does anyone else remember the Dirty Bird besides me? I mean, he ran 400+ times in their Super Bowl run in 1998. I just checked him out on Wikipedia and he now is trying his hand at broadcasting, sky diving and wine tasting. I don’t think you could pick 3 more different things. It also says “He is well-known for his Dirty Bird touchdown celebration, in which he flaps his arms like wings and gyrates in the crowd's direction.” Bobby Petrino, you suck.
1:42: Missed in this is that Okoye from Louisville is dropping.
1:42: I’m back enjoying Under Armor commercials because I have enough of a buzz that Steve Spurrier saying “Click, Clack” is hilarious.
1:43: They just showed my boy VY’s EA commercial again. The only way I could be more pleased is if they did a remix to the commercial with the Giants guy not tackling him because he was afraid of the roughing the QB call.
1:46: Steve Young is a very good QB analyst. He just hit on the fact that Brady isn’t accurate enough which I wholeheartedly agree with. That’s my biggest question about him. I’ve seen him for 4 years and he’s missed a lot of throws during that time. Mort just chimes in that Weis says the WR’s were running the routes wrong, so maybe I’m wrong. But my doubts on Charlie are a lot bigger this year than they were last year.
1:51: WOW!!!!! WOW!!!! Miami select Ted Ginn. WOW!!!! What an absolutely horrible pick. I was waiting for another hour to rip this guy, but lets do it now. Why not Brady? Apparently you love Dante Culpepper. Ted Ginn sucks. He can’t catch. He’s fast, but why? He’s awful as a receiver.
1:53: I feel bad for Brady now.
1:59: They’re doing a flashback of falling QB’s. Not good. I was set for the Miami pick. I was going to say how going with Ronnie Brown, Marty Booker and Chris Chambers was perfect. I was going to say how he could upgrade from Lindy on South Beach. Now I can’t. God awful pick with Ted Ginn.
2:01: This is why the draft is rivieting. Just watching someone losing $15 M in 3 hours. The next 5 selections all have their QB situation locked up if you consider J.P. Losman a lock. He could really fall.
2:04: Houston select Amobi Okoye. I thought you got your D lineman last year. You know instead of Reggie Bush and Vince Young. They could pick the next Bruce Smith and it’d still be inexcusable.
2:14: Brady’s falling so far, Roger Goddell asked him into a private room so the media won’t see him. This is getting worse.
2:16: Mort had to tell Keyshawn who his offensive coordinator is. Mort is the comedic relief today. Another reason I love the draft.
2:18: Patrick Willis from Ole Miss goes o San Fran. I could have told you that at the beginning of the day. The 49ers are a smart organization. I like what they’re doing. They just showed him with the absolute best tackle I’ve ever seen.
2:23: The only good part about this is that Lindy is downgrading in her mind from a Benz to Infiniti.
2:25: They are ripping him right now. The fact that his name is Brady is hurting him now. I mean, that’s just ridiculous.
2:26: Bruce Smith announces the Bills pick because he’s from VT. Somewhere, Jim is smiling. Marshawn Lynch from Cal. They need a running back so that’s why they got him. A bit of a reach. The Bills are good at reaching. They just showed him driving the medical cart around for some reason on the highlight reel. Mel Kiper was speechless. That’s gotta be a first.
2:29: Uh-oh, character issues came up for Marshawn. I think sexual assault is in his history. His draft photo is even shady. It’s sad that I know the arrest history of these guys.
2:30: I’m enjoying how they are saying J.P. Losman is the answer at QB at Buffalo. If that’s the answer, I guess the question has to be “who sucks?”
2:31: National Bingo Night starts May 18th on ABC. I’m strangely excited for this show. I don’t know why. Not quite Adrian Peterson to Minnesota excited, but I might tune in.
2:39: St Louis takes Adam Carriker from Nebraska. Eh, no comment on that one.
2:44: A trade. Jet fans just erupted. I just woke up. Let’s see what Goddell has to say. J-E-T-S just traded up. Not for Brady. They got Kelly Clemens last year and Chad is still good even though he can’t throw more than 20 yards. Carolina traded the pick and a 6th for the Jets 1, 2 and 5.
2:47: Steve Young is great. He just brought up that New England and the J-E-T-S might have both been on the phone with Carolina and that upped the price. He’s the best right now, like Jaws is during the regular season.
2:51: They just showed a Jets fan without teeth. That replaced Quinn fixing his collar.
2:53: The Jets picked the CB from Pittsburgh. I’m glad they didn’t take Leon Hall who got torched by Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett this year, who was ranked higher by Mel Kiper.
2:54: They just showed a chick in the stands in a Quinn jersey who was hotter than Lindy. Go for it Brady.
2:54: I’m happy with the pick. Its good to have Mangini and the Jew running things now. Its relaxing on draft day as opposed to what it was. In retrospect, them not trading up for Reggie Bush last year was tremendously smart. Though I’m sure Eric isn’t concerned with how many times a Jets jersey shows up in a rap video.
2:56: They didn’t show the Jets retrospective. I’m disappointed.
2:59: Pittsburgh took a LB which was expected. Lawrence Timmons from FSU. They just showed him hitting the QB with a pressure, he then tackled the WR who caught the screen pass. That was impressive.
3:03: Mort just mentioned that Green Bay might take Quinn because they’re not big on Aaron Rodgers. If he ends up with AJ Hawk as a teammate, that’ll be rough.
3:06: Mort just got into it with Keyshawn and Young regarding if Green Bay should pick a WR. I’m surprised it took 3 hours for tensions to start running high.
3:08: Brady handled an interview with Suzy Kolber real well. Lindy wasn’t there. Gold digger. Steve Young just complemented it, and then said a GM told him Brady had the best interview in his 12 years. Steve is the best. And Mort is saying he’s behind Manning (not Eli) and Rivers in terms of intangibles.
3:13: Green Bay takes a DT from Tennessee. The fans don’t like it. I have no feelings on this pick. Mort goes back again with Keyshawn and Young if they should have gotten an offensive player.
3:22: I love Jaws, but Rex Grossman isn’t the answer at QB for anyone.
3:23: Uh oh, trade. Denver’s on the clock with 3 minutes until their pick. They just traded a 3 and next years 6 to move up 4 picks. Ummm….not big on that from Denver.
3:27: Jarvis Moss from Florida. DE to Denver.
3:34: Cincinnati’s on the board. Obligatory mention of the arrests. Leon Hall from Michigan got picked. Could have gone 10th, but goes 18. His overall body of work is outstanding despite getting torched by Ginn and Jarrett according to Kiper. Yeah, ok. I’m still happy with the Pittsburgh guy.
3:38: We’re off the tequila and just on Bud. I gotta make it until Brady gets picked. The Titans and G-Men are up next.
3:40: ESPN’s done a good job with the music. The Stones’ “You can’t always get what you want” is pretty fucking fitting for the draft.
3:41: The first Pacman Jones reference. If I ever win the lottery and they ask me what I’m doing with the money, I’ve already decided that I’m saying “Making it rain, Pacman Jones style.”
3:43: Roger Goddell has done a hell of a job in his first year, I gotta say that. My only gripe is that he says “(Insert team name here) fans, what you’ve all been waiting for” before announcing the pick. That’s just gay.
3:47: Great quotes on espn.com from Dolphins fans.:
The Dolphins passed on a franchise quarterback for a kick/punt returner! The Dolphins should not be allowed to handle their own draft.
It's gonna be great having Ginn return it to the 35-yard line to start every drive before whatever retread we line up behind center goes three-and-out
They also compared their draft to Houston’s last year. As a fan of a fellow AFC East team, I’m ecstatic. That was my biggest worry with Brady going to Miami, is that I’d have to root against him twice a year. I already have to root for Tom Brady, who’s now my soul mate in illegitimate kids, so I can’t have a quarter of the season where I’m conflicted. Plus its hard to root against Belichik because of his fashion sense. I mean, he just doesn’t care and I can respect that.
3:49: Tennessee took a safety from Texas. VY can’t be happy. He needed a WR.
3:50: Steve Young is completely anti-defense at any point in the first round. You need to send a message to your QB apparently.
3:54: Berman just described the Giants season as “tumultuous.” That’s the biggest understatement of the year. Anytime your fans outright hate you, it can’t be a good season. Its pretty hard to have a fan base that hates your QB, RB and WR and still make the playoffs, but somehow the Giants pulled it off. To me, the biggest douche bag in this whole thing is Tiki. Its bad enough to say your done after this year in week 6, but to tell them you want to go out with your full abilities so you can host The Freakin’ Today Show. That just shows that you’re not completely bought in to the team thing and you’re putting yourself before the team. Tiki can rot in hell for all I care and I’m not even a Giants fan. That’s just me as an athlete.
3:57: The Giants pick Aaron Ross, CB from Texas. Giants fans seem happy. Keyshawn endorses it as well. For a CB, he has some big hits.
4:00: Aaron Ross’s girlfriend is a world class sprinter. I’ve seen her on espn.com and she’s hotter than Lindy. Maybe I’m just more turned on by track girls. Steve Young makes another comment about how this doesn’t help Eli. So is Mort. Wasn’t he a #1 pick? Sorry, sensitive territory there.
4:03: Jacksonville picks Reggie Nelson, S from Florida. The crew seems to love it. There’s talk of Brady falling into the second round if Dallas or KC doesn’t take him in the next two picks.
4:07: What’s more astonishing. That Ed Werder sends Tony Romo text messages or Tony Romo’s astonishment that they’d pick Quinn?
4:10: It just hits me that there’s a very good chance that this pick will be involved in my life a lot more fairly shortly considering Dallas in on the clock. More so that Laron Landry will be next year.
4:13: If there are any Houston Texan fans left, I’m sure they’ve killed themselves after this draft. EA has done everything except highlight that they’re best defensive rookie came in the second round.
4:16: Uh oh a trade. Nothing puts a hop in my step like that. Cleveland’s on the clock. BRADY QUINN!!!
4:17: NY loves him. Brady’s handling this very well. I tell you what, I wasn’t completely sold on him before, but I’m glad for Brady. Lot less pressure. He goes where he wants to go. I’m about to send an e-mail to some guy I work with who’s a Browns fan and congratulate him.
4:19: Brady’s in pretty much the same situation as he could have been in Miami, maybe better. Kellen Winslow, Braylan Edwards, Jamal Lewis, and a new tackle.
4:20: The Browns traded their second round and next years # 1. Pretty high. I retract my comment about them being # 1 next year though, but they have a brutal schedule. Six games against Cincy, Baltimore and Pittsburgh.
4:30: Dammit, Cleveland doesn’t have hot chicks and those that are there, LeBron probably has the rest on lock. Looks like Lindy stays.
4:32: KC takes Dwayne Bowe. I was waiting until he was picked regardless to stop watching. Why you ask? Because I was listening to Kiper talk about him and asked where I’ve heard that name before. From Heat of course, possibly my favorite movie of all time. Wayne Groh is the guy who had De Niro come back to kill before making his escape which allowed Pacino to catch him. Good times!
4:36: And New England’s on the clock who are legitimately scary. They took a team that was up 21-3 in the de facto championship game and got the best free agent, the best free agent WR (their one weak area) and now have two first round picks. The favorite to win the championship next year, and if not, they should be. Indy lost their two starting CBs and Manning can shit fucking gold once in awhile. You still have to deal with his chocking.
4:46: New England get Brandon Meriweather from Miami. He stomped somebody in the Miami-FIU game, and has a handgun incident. “The Bengals couldn’t have taken him, the Patriots can.” Mort sums it all up. He returned fire at someone who shot at a roommate. “Yes, that was poor judgment, but it was legal.” And you wonder why I love the draft.
4:51: Sean Salisbury makes one of the few good points in his career saying that Belichik has a fear factor and no one leave New England with a character problem. I would never want to be in a room by myself with Belichik, let’s just say that.
4:55: The Panthers take Jon Beason, LB Miami. Keyshawn says he likes it off-camera that was captured on the mike.
4:57: Philly’s on the clock and their fans are already making a commotion and Rocky’s blaring from the speakers. Philly fans are completely nuts if you didn’t know.
4:58: Keyshawn’s not awful. In fact, he’s making good points if you can keep him of the USC subject. I was wrong.
4:59: Philly traded down to Dallas. Not sure how these two got on the phone together. There’s a lot of WR still on the board so maybe that’s why Dallas traded up. Let’s see what they gave up.
5:02: Philly gets a 2, 3 and a 5. Good play for them.
5:06: Dallas gets Anthony Spencer from Purdue. Kiper loves this guy. And Kiper fulfils this by raving about him. It’s bad when I can predict commenter comments.
5:17: Jaws breaks down the way to play quarterback in the NFL: anticipation. Good stuff in the Jaws view of him making throws before receivers get our of their route. Jaws is the best analyst by far.
5:19: Saints get Robert Meachem from Tennesse WR.
5:23: Mark May rips the Ted Ginn pick. Apparently Dolphin fans booed the pick at a draft party in Miami. I’m not the only one who thought that was retarded.
5:31: Pats trade their pick to Niners. Did I hear a niner in there? Are you talking from a walkie talkie?
5:34: The Niners get Joe Staley from their walkie talkie. Any time you have an offensive tackle from the MAC you have to make that trade.
5:35: The big trend from this draft is to pick guys who “love football.” As opposed to their previous policy of picking guys who love to commit felonies and play football on Sundays.
5:45: Baltimore takes an OL from Auburn. I’m just flipping back between the draft and Yankees-Red Sox at this point. Wakefield just got Matsui to pop out with the bases loaded. Yanks are up 2-0, but are in post season form. Anytime Bobby Abreu is bunting to get on base, I think you’re a desperate team.
5:50: Keyshawn is advocating for Dwayne Jarrett to go to San Diego. Keyshawn said this was the ideal place since Norv Turner picked Michael Westbrook in Washington….uummmm not the best comparison Keyshawn.
5:53: They just showed Greg Olsen from Miami smiling with his ridiculously hot girlfriend. Miami’s the place to be. Unfortunatley, Drew Rosenhaus is his agent, so I’m sure he’s been hitting on her all afternoon. That man is the devil. Doesn’t Olsen know that’s probably why he went this late.
5:57: Chargers take Craig Davis WR from LSU. Umm….Russell was throwing to two 1st round picks and he had an impressive game against Notre Dame’s defense. I’m even more suspicious.
5:59: Kiper just rattled off every wide receiver’s 40 time to the hundredths of a second that could get drafted there to shut Keyshawn up. He’s the absolute best.
6:10: Greg Olsen goes to Chicago. His father’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Let’s just say that wouldn’t be dad’s outfit if we got drafted.
6:12: Ok, Indy’s on the clock. It’s nap time again for me soon. This has been a long 6 hours. We need more drafts where the Vikings don’t pick and teams take 30 seconds in making a decision.
6:19: Apparently this is the longest 1st round in NFL history. Indy takes Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio St. Good pick, and on that note, I’m done. See you next year.
6:24, We’re not done yet. Belichick is on with a peach/pink tie. This is a tremendous development. He’s justifying selecting the stomper/shooter/safety. I wish I could properly describe the outfit Bill is wearing but my vocabulary isn’t that good. Just a tremendous 5 minutes of television.
POST DRAFT INFO YOU NEED TO KNOW
A few things that you probably should know that occurred after the draft that may affect what I said above. All of that was in real time. Here’s a few things I didn’t know:
1. Miami took John Beck, QB from BYU in the second round. This guy was moving up a lot of draft boards and I guess that was the quarterback they were targeting all along. I think a lot of teams didn’t see much difference between him and Quinn so they didn’t want to pay 1st round money for Quinn. Still doesn’t excuse taking Ted Ginn 10 picks too early.
2. Even better, on Monday, Ginn said he might not be ready for training camp in August because of a foot injury. Miami fans just shot themselves.
3. Detroit did the same thing. They got Stanton from Michigan St. in round 2.
4. New England got the best player in the draft in round 4, when they traded their pick for Randy Moss. I think I love this more than the Adrian Peterson pick. Moss is reworking his contract as well. A few people are saying that New England doesn’t need him and the risk of him becoming a locker room cancer is too much. First off, Brady, Belichick and Bruschi aren’t taking crap from anyone. All prior teams needed to coddle Randy because they needed him to win. New England doesn’t. They can cut him at any time if necessary. Second, Randy reportedly ran a 4.29-4.30 in the past week. That would make him the fastest one in this years draft. I see nothing but upside for New England for this trade. Peter King notes that New England might have had the greatest off-season ever before this. Getting Moss makes it ridiculous.
5. In what might overtake Mr. T getting T Cell cancer as definition of irony, Keyshawn was released by Carolina three days after they selected Dwayne Jarrett, who Keyshawn advocated every team to pick. That’ll be the second team that released Keyshawn. Wayne Chrebett has never been released.
6. I have to take back some of what I said about Lindy. After some research (if you don’t think I’m going to spend time looking this stuff up, you really don’t know me. How did the world function before Google? ) Apparently, Lindy is a soccer player from University of Miami (OH) and from Dublin, OH. So I’d assume that she’s been with him since high school. I take back the gold digger line Lindy. If you can stick with him through the Ty Willingham times, she can’t be that bad. Secondly, her picture on the website makes her look a lot better from the front. ESPN, why did you give me the side view. I feel bad about this.
Another year, another NFL draft that I’m hung over for. Much like the Masters, it’s becoming a tradition unlike any other. I’m watching Sports Center now getting ready for this years draft. Remind me not to be alive on September 8th. Virginia Tech plays LSU. Normally, this would be interesting to me. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can deal with the whole “who’s tragedies were worse and who recovered the best” contest that will come out of it. We’re 3 minutes into this diary and I’m already negative. You’d probably want to carve out a bunch of time for this. We’re looking at a bunch of pages on 8 font.
Man, do I love the draft. They had an article in Sports Illustrated this week and some one was making the case that the draft is the biggest event in sports. It sounded ridiculous at first, but what other event do people prep months for? It might not be the cultural event that the Super Bowl or other championships are, but it’s more of an event for true fans. Random people don’t watch the draft, but NFL fans live for it. Add to the fact that every team has a stake in it (except for the Redskins. They have the 6th pick and that’s it for them on Saturday. I think they have three guys who played 10% of their downs this year total in exchange. As a football fan, I’m not enjoying the Daniel Snyder era) and it gets more interesting. Besides Colts and Bears fans, who really cared who won? I mean, the gamblers obviously, but that’s how they make it interesting to the rest of us. The draft, I’m sitting here seeing maybe 20 downs of Miami football all year, and I’m hoping their tight end is there at 26 to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets.
They just showed the four consecutive home runs the Red Sox hit last week…in Spanish. Picture your typical soccer announcer announcing baseball and you get how insane that guy was. Just a great moment. The Yankees are pathetic now and I’m kind of enjoying it, but its not the same. I guess this is how the CIA felt after the Soviet Union fell. I need a new, capable enemy. The one thing that’s really bothering is Rivera. He’s not the same, his cutter just isn’t cutting. As much as I hate the Yankees, I have the utmost respect for the real Yankees (Jeter, Rivera, Bernie Williams. Posada’s still a prick though) and I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop with Yankee fans where they get on Rivera and start booing him. If they ever do a countdown of Yankee Fans Douchebaggery, the moment they booed Rivera IN APRIL should be number one. Here’s the best pitcher of the past 20 years (I don’t recognize Clemens. He’s on steroids or something and I will not debate this. We question how Bonds gets better at 35, but credit Clemens resurgence to running 4 miles a day? Yeah, OK. If he was breaking pitching’s hallowed records, please believe that someone from a Texas newspaper would be investigating. Plus, he hasn’t come through in the post season. And him throwing a bat at Piazza and not getting ejecting might be the biggest injustice in my life. I’m still pissed about this six and half years later. And yes, I just inserted the Stephen A. Smith ‘please believe’ phrase. See what he does to me? He turns me into Stephen A. Smith) and should be above any criticism. But if the Yankees pick up Clemens, my sympathies for the Yankees ends. I hope they lose 100 games then.
Also on Sportscenter, they just had the former Titans GM talking about the time he pulled one over on the Giants when they got Shockey. Yet, Coughlin couldn’t pull one over on him. If that doesn’t make you hate your life, I don’t know what will. Also, apparently Keyshawn Johnson will be on set of today’s draft. Why? Why? I know they got rid of Michael Irvin, but why? You get the same irrational wide receiver opinions without the comedic joy of realizing “wait, this guy was found in a motel room with hookers and crack.” You can’t put a price on that ESPN. And Keyshawn just advocated for a guy who was kicked out of USC for selling ecstasy. It takes a lot to get kicked out of USC (free housing, steroids, etc) and this guy managed to do it. And yes, I’m still extremely bitter about Bush’s push. If Keyshawn’s going to push USC guys today, this running diary might end earlier than expected. And Sportscenter just had a tease asking how Brady Quinn is like Derek Jeter . It’s 10:38, I’ve had one margarita and its nap time for me before I see that piece. Be back in an hour.
11:59 AM, and we’re back. ESPN’s about to go through its ridiculous pregame. Uh oh. They have Rocky music in the background. If I could be more excited, I don’t know if its possible. Good call ESPN. It’s like Rocky meets Wall Street.
12:01 PM: We’re hear at the “Annual Selection Meeting of the National Football League.” That’s another reason I love the draft. For the way it takes itself so seriously. That and Mel Kiper Jr. Does anyone in America have a better job? He watches football all year, but only works the month of April. I think ESPN sent out a memo comparing him to Santa in that he only works one day a year.
12:04 PM: And NY is booing Keyshawn. I miss NY sometimes. They also booed Mike Vick (well deserved by the way for his utterly ridiculous behavior recently) during the Virginia Tech tribute.
12:07: And we’ve had our first Coors Light commercial. Then a Madden 08 commercial where Reggie Bush thanks Houston for not taking him. It’s a year later and that’s still the dumbest thing of all time. Bush and Vince Young going after Mario Williams is the Bowie over Jordan for the 21st century, if Bowie went over both Jordan and Olajuwon.
12:09: Oakland’s on the clock, and Chris Berman can say “Da Raidas” as only he can as much as he can in the next 15 minutes. Over/Under is 3.5.
12:11: I love the phrase “multiple trade situations” with the first pick. And the “unprecedented” level of silence in the green room because no one knows what Al Davis will do. Ja Marcus Russell can apparently throw the ball 85 yards. How that’s a relevant skill, I’ll never know. Throwing it 64 yards on a knee was pretty impressive though. They just showed the video of it, and its pretty cool.
12:16: Thank you Steve Young for saying “I would not put a premium on arm strength.” His three skills are leadership, aptitude and accuracy. On ESPN a scout the other day they had leadership as the # 5 on the skills he looks in a QB. I think the thing we learned with Vince Young is that all that throwing shit goes out the window. If Tom Brady was killed in a airplane going back and forth between his baby mommas, Vince Young might be the QB I pick if my team had to win one game for my life. We’ll be back in a bit on this after the first pick.
12:20: Ja Marcus Russell goes # 1. And Notre Dame’s defense gets another QB millions of dollars. I’m not extremely high on him. The one game I really saw him at Auburn, his team scored 7 points. And he had some awful throws and decisions on the final drive. Plus, he was on BET the other day and looked just like Young Jeezy. I like my QB to not look like a rap star. Maybe that’s just me.
12:22: And we’ve had our first Eli mention. “The jury is out on Eli as the first pick.” I’m just trying to antagonize you today, you know that, right?
12:22: Ok, back to Vince. Let’s not get it confused. The only reason he went # 3 last year was because Tennessee’s owner basically put the gauntlet down that he was their pick. See that’s what we need more of: less scouts, more people who just watch a football game and know who’s good. And no one I’ve ever seen is as good in college at leading as VY.
12:24: EA sports is just killing Houston right now. My boy VY just said “I didn’t go # 1, and I definitely didn’t want to lose my first game back home in Houston” and showed his 40 yard run in OT to win it back in November. I’m hoping this trend of killing Houston continues all afternoon.
12:27: Al Davis throws a kink into the draft because he’s old. Matt Milen does the same because he’s a moron. Apparently they’re taking Calvin Johnson, the fourth WR in five years. But he still might get traded to Tampa. The Lions want 2 2nd round picks. That’s pretty high.
12:30: Calvin Johnson goes # 2. I saw this guy against Notre Dame and he was unbelievable. I mean 6’5” with a 4.35 IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES. He wasn’t going to run at the combine and got pissed off and decided to run and he ran 4.35. And Mel Kiper hit on the biggest thing, he PLAYED WITH REGGIE BALL. Reggie Ball might have been the worst QB at a major college and they still made it to the ACC championship. He looked like a man against boys in the first half, and then they stopped going to him in the second half. ND put two people on him, when that still was a mismatch, but Reggie didn’t throw it to him. And now Steve Young just said that he didn’t throw blame on Reggie Ball when everyone knew it was his fault. I’m high as hell on this guy.
12:35: They just showed Brady with his arm around some girl. Please don’t tell me that was his girlfriend. I love you Brady, but you can do better. As Black Rob would say in 1998, her nose was “like whoa.” Also Brady, don’t slick your hair back like a douche bag. Enough people hate ND. Please don’t turn it into Duke basketball.
12:36: And our first Under Armor commercial. Not as good as last years, Nike seemed to get the majority of the first draftees and already has an ad campaign out. No Vernon Davis and his other wordly body this year.
12:40: See this is why you get your draft info from me: the hotness of Quinn’s girlfriend and Under Armor commercials.
12:42: And Cleveland selects Joe Thomas from Wisconsin. The first “curveball” of the draft as Berman said. I don’t like this guy. He’s on a fishing boat today. I can understand you don’t want to deal with all the BS of the draft. But don’t let the NFL network put a camera on your boat. Don’t pull the “I’m so real” shit with a camera on. The only one who does that is Jennifer Lopez, and the only reason I listened to that song was because Jadakiss and Styles were on that track.
12:44: Cleveland, you’re QB is Charlie Frye and your RB is Jamal Lewis. You’re officially on the clock for next years draft next year.
12:45: Tampa’s on the clock. How is it that Chris Simms is a starter in the NFL and Major Applewhite is the offensive coordinator at Alabama. Chris Simms sucked in college and Major would bring Texas back. And yes, I’m still mad about this 5 years later. I don’t know why. I’m a bitter, bitter man.
12:47: Mort just said Brady looked like a “magazine model” and then was speechless. That was fun. Brady’s now being interviewed by Suzy Kolber, and he looks like he’s at a wedding. Brady, your stock is going down in my book. We’ll get to that some more when he’s picked.
12:50: Keyshawn just called his backup QB “nothing, basically”. I’m sure Chris Weinke doesn’t appreciate that, but then again, Chris Weinke should just put a tube in his exhaust pipe and shut the windows.
12:54: Tampa picks Gaines Adams. I like him because he has something shaved into the side of his head. The legend of Anthony Mason lives on. Though I would be leery of selecting someone who apparently doesn’t care about run defense.
12:56: I love Madden. They’re not even selling the game, but the mystique of their game. They’re like Nike back in the day where they could have Jordan for 29 seconds and throw up the swoosh sign for a second and their stock would go up 2%. They even say “product not available” or something like that. I’ve had some more tequila so I’m not 100% right now.
1:03: Arizona takes Levi Brown, O Tackle from Penn State. Brady and Adrian Peterson are still available.
1:04: Washington is on the clock and I’m fully expecting anything from these morons. This is their only pick today because they traded the rest away. If they don’t take Abomi Okoye from Louisville or Laron Landry from LSU, they’re bigger morons.
1:08: They just said the Brady Quinn is showing a lot of poise. I agree because he had to deal with the worst loss in history. Worse than the Red Sox in game 6 in 86. During the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, not only did he get smacked around by Ohio State, but he had to deal with the fact that the linebacker doing that smacking would also be smacking his sister’s ass fairly soon. There’s also the possibility that he ran into an Ohio State groupie on the way to the airport and got a little dome action. Plus, Brent Musberger was commenting on his sister all afternoon. If a guy can deal with that, he can deal with anything.
1:17: The Redskins take Laron Landry. They just showed a highlight clip of him and he just annihilated a bunch of people. With him and Sean Taylor they have the best secondary for making Jacked Up.
1:18: Minnesota’s on the clock. C’mon flashback of them missing their pick.
1:21: Brooks Bollinger started 9 games last year for Minnesota. I’ve been on the Bollinger bus, and that’s never good.
1:24: If there’s more proof that the NFL is America’s game, the fact that they just had a fantasy football commercial for nfl.com’s “early bird specials”, that’s it. If you’re doing a fantasy draft before mini camps, you might have problems. And that’s from a guy who’s doing a running diary of their draft and made the draft the focus of his entire week.
1:25: Yes, the flashback of them missing their pick. I cannot wait for the flashback of bad Jets draft picks, if only because this is the first year I’ve ever been completely comfortable with the management making the pick. I have complete confidence in Mangenius and the Jew GM. In past years, seeing Herm Edwards made me want to do what Chris Weinke should do.
1:27: Minnesota selects Peterson. Tremendous pick. I love Peterson as well. This reminds me of the time Moss fell to them and he had a ridiculous rookie year. Peterson ran a 4.39 and is a beast. I love this pick. Keyshawn just summed it up: “I’m scared of this guy.” Add to the fact that their coach has a porn mustache, I might be scared of this team in the NFC North. I’ve enjoyed the Peterson experience the past 3 years. Just an absolute monster. I don’t think it’s possible for me to like this pick even more. Add to that his dad gets to see him now, and I’m genuinely happy for this guy. And Berman just quoted someone saying he’s a “violent runner.” Yes, lets all do a tequila shot for him. And by all, I mean just me.
1:34: They just did a side view of Quinn’s girlfriends face and it was like whoa squared. Plus she’s wearing a tie for some reason. Lindy Slinger, they just put her name on tv with the title of “Brady Quinn’s Girlfriend”. Now I know why Brady’s falling.
1:37: Tony Kornheiser just commented on Quinn looking stressed and that his collar came out of his vest. Brady just put his collar back in. That was the highlight of the draft so far.
1:38: Atlanta takes Jamaal Anderson from Arkansas. This is absolute sacrilege on Atlanta’s part. Does anyone else remember the Dirty Bird besides me? I mean, he ran 400+ times in their Super Bowl run in 1998. I just checked him out on Wikipedia and he now is trying his hand at broadcasting, sky diving and wine tasting. I don’t think you could pick 3 more different things. It also says “He is well-known for his Dirty Bird touchdown celebration, in which he flaps his arms like wings and gyrates in the crowd's direction.” Bobby Petrino, you suck.
1:42: Missed in this is that Okoye from Louisville is dropping.
1:42: I’m back enjoying Under Armor commercials because I have enough of a buzz that Steve Spurrier saying “Click, Clack” is hilarious.
1:43: They just showed my boy VY’s EA commercial again. The only way I could be more pleased is if they did a remix to the commercial with the Giants guy not tackling him because he was afraid of the roughing the QB call.
1:46: Steve Young is a very good QB analyst. He just hit on the fact that Brady isn’t accurate enough which I wholeheartedly agree with. That’s my biggest question about him. I’ve seen him for 4 years and he’s missed a lot of throws during that time. Mort just chimes in that Weis says the WR’s were running the routes wrong, so maybe I’m wrong. But my doubts on Charlie are a lot bigger this year than they were last year.
1:51: WOW!!!!! WOW!!!! Miami select Ted Ginn. WOW!!!! What an absolutely horrible pick. I was waiting for another hour to rip this guy, but lets do it now. Why not Brady? Apparently you love Dante Culpepper. Ted Ginn sucks. He can’t catch. He’s fast, but why? He’s awful as a receiver.
1:53: I feel bad for Brady now.
1:59: They’re doing a flashback of falling QB’s. Not good. I was set for the Miami pick. I was going to say how going with Ronnie Brown, Marty Booker and Chris Chambers was perfect. I was going to say how he could upgrade from Lindy on South Beach. Now I can’t. God awful pick with Ted Ginn.
2:01: This is why the draft is rivieting. Just watching someone losing $15 M in 3 hours. The next 5 selections all have their QB situation locked up if you consider J.P. Losman a lock. He could really fall.
2:04: Houston select Amobi Okoye. I thought you got your D lineman last year. You know instead of Reggie Bush and Vince Young. They could pick the next Bruce Smith and it’d still be inexcusable.
2:14: Brady’s falling so far, Roger Goddell asked him into a private room so the media won’t see him. This is getting worse.
2:16: Mort had to tell Keyshawn who his offensive coordinator is. Mort is the comedic relief today. Another reason I love the draft.
2:18: Patrick Willis from Ole Miss goes o San Fran. I could have told you that at the beginning of the day. The 49ers are a smart organization. I like what they’re doing. They just showed him with the absolute best tackle I’ve ever seen.
2:23: The only good part about this is that Lindy is downgrading in her mind from a Benz to Infiniti.
2:25: They are ripping him right now. The fact that his name is Brady is hurting him now. I mean, that’s just ridiculous.
2:26: Bruce Smith announces the Bills pick because he’s from VT. Somewhere, Jim is smiling. Marshawn Lynch from Cal. They need a running back so that’s why they got him. A bit of a reach. The Bills are good at reaching. They just showed him driving the medical cart around for some reason on the highlight reel. Mel Kiper was speechless. That’s gotta be a first.
2:29: Uh-oh, character issues came up for Marshawn. I think sexual assault is in his history. His draft photo is even shady. It’s sad that I know the arrest history of these guys.
2:30: I’m enjoying how they are saying J.P. Losman is the answer at QB at Buffalo. If that’s the answer, I guess the question has to be “who sucks?”
2:31: National Bingo Night starts May 18th on ABC. I’m strangely excited for this show. I don’t know why. Not quite Adrian Peterson to Minnesota excited, but I might tune in.
2:39: St Louis takes Adam Carriker from Nebraska. Eh, no comment on that one.
2:44: A trade. Jet fans just erupted. I just woke up. Let’s see what Goddell has to say. J-E-T-S just traded up. Not for Brady. They got Kelly Clemens last year and Chad is still good even though he can’t throw more than 20 yards. Carolina traded the pick and a 6th for the Jets 1, 2 and 5.
2:47: Steve Young is great. He just brought up that New England and the J-E-T-S might have both been on the phone with Carolina and that upped the price. He’s the best right now, like Jaws is during the regular season.
2:51: They just showed a Jets fan without teeth. That replaced Quinn fixing his collar.
2:53: The Jets picked the CB from Pittsburgh. I’m glad they didn’t take Leon Hall who got torched by Ted Ginn and Dwayne Jarrett this year, who was ranked higher by Mel Kiper.
2:54: They just showed a chick in the stands in a Quinn jersey who was hotter than Lindy. Go for it Brady.
2:54: I’m happy with the pick. Its good to have Mangini and the Jew running things now. Its relaxing on draft day as opposed to what it was. In retrospect, them not trading up for Reggie Bush last year was tremendously smart. Though I’m sure Eric isn’t concerned with how many times a Jets jersey shows up in a rap video.
2:56: They didn’t show the Jets retrospective. I’m disappointed.
2:59: Pittsburgh took a LB which was expected. Lawrence Timmons from FSU. They just showed him hitting the QB with a pressure, he then tackled the WR who caught the screen pass. That was impressive.
3:03: Mort just mentioned that Green Bay might take Quinn because they’re not big on Aaron Rodgers. If he ends up with AJ Hawk as a teammate, that’ll be rough.
3:06: Mort just got into it with Keyshawn and Young regarding if Green Bay should pick a WR. I’m surprised it took 3 hours for tensions to start running high.
3:08: Brady handled an interview with Suzy Kolber real well. Lindy wasn’t there. Gold digger. Steve Young just complemented it, and then said a GM told him Brady had the best interview in his 12 years. Steve is the best. And Mort is saying he’s behind Manning (not Eli) and Rivers in terms of intangibles.
3:13: Green Bay takes a DT from Tennessee. The fans don’t like it. I have no feelings on this pick. Mort goes back again with Keyshawn and Young if they should have gotten an offensive player.
3:22: I love Jaws, but Rex Grossman isn’t the answer at QB for anyone.
3:23: Uh oh, trade. Denver’s on the clock with 3 minutes until their pick. They just traded a 3 and next years 6 to move up 4 picks. Ummm….not big on that from Denver.
3:27: Jarvis Moss from Florida. DE to Denver.
3:34: Cincinnati’s on the board. Obligatory mention of the arrests. Leon Hall from Michigan got picked. Could have gone 10th, but goes 18. His overall body of work is outstanding despite getting torched by Ginn and Jarrett according to Kiper. Yeah, ok. I’m still happy with the Pittsburgh guy.
3:38: We’re off the tequila and just on Bud. I gotta make it until Brady gets picked. The Titans and G-Men are up next.
3:40: ESPN’s done a good job with the music. The Stones’ “You can’t always get what you want” is pretty fucking fitting for the draft.
3:41: The first Pacman Jones reference. If I ever win the lottery and they ask me what I’m doing with the money, I’ve already decided that I’m saying “Making it rain, Pacman Jones style.”
3:43: Roger Goddell has done a hell of a job in his first year, I gotta say that. My only gripe is that he says “(Insert team name here) fans, what you’ve all been waiting for” before announcing the pick. That’s just gay.
3:47: Great quotes on espn.com from Dolphins fans.:
The Dolphins passed on a franchise quarterback for a kick/punt returner! The Dolphins should not be allowed to handle their own draft.
It's gonna be great having Ginn return it to the 35-yard line to start every drive before whatever retread we line up behind center goes three-and-out
They also compared their draft to Houston’s last year. As a fan of a fellow AFC East team, I’m ecstatic. That was my biggest worry with Brady going to Miami, is that I’d have to root against him twice a year. I already have to root for Tom Brady, who’s now my soul mate in illegitimate kids, so I can’t have a quarter of the season where I’m conflicted. Plus its hard to root against Belichik because of his fashion sense. I mean, he just doesn’t care and I can respect that.
3:49: Tennessee took a safety from Texas. VY can’t be happy. He needed a WR.
3:50: Steve Young is completely anti-defense at any point in the first round. You need to send a message to your QB apparently.
3:54: Berman just described the Giants season as “tumultuous.” That’s the biggest understatement of the year. Anytime your fans outright hate you, it can’t be a good season. Its pretty hard to have a fan base that hates your QB, RB and WR and still make the playoffs, but somehow the Giants pulled it off. To me, the biggest douche bag in this whole thing is Tiki. Its bad enough to say your done after this year in week 6, but to tell them you want to go out with your full abilities so you can host The Freakin’ Today Show. That just shows that you’re not completely bought in to the team thing and you’re putting yourself before the team. Tiki can rot in hell for all I care and I’m not even a Giants fan. That’s just me as an athlete.
3:57: The Giants pick Aaron Ross, CB from Texas. Giants fans seem happy. Keyshawn endorses it as well. For a CB, he has some big hits.
4:00: Aaron Ross’s girlfriend is a world class sprinter. I’ve seen her on espn.com and she’s hotter than Lindy. Maybe I’m just more turned on by track girls. Steve Young makes another comment about how this doesn’t help Eli. So is Mort. Wasn’t he a #1 pick? Sorry, sensitive territory there.
4:03: Jacksonville picks Reggie Nelson, S from Florida. The crew seems to love it. There’s talk of Brady falling into the second round if Dallas or KC doesn’t take him in the next two picks.
4:07: What’s more astonishing. That Ed Werder sends Tony Romo text messages or Tony Romo’s astonishment that they’d pick Quinn?
4:10: It just hits me that there’s a very good chance that this pick will be involved in my life a lot more fairly shortly considering Dallas in on the clock. More so that Laron Landry will be next year.
4:13: If there are any Houston Texan fans left, I’m sure they’ve killed themselves after this draft. EA has done everything except highlight that they’re best defensive rookie came in the second round.
4:16: Uh oh a trade. Nothing puts a hop in my step like that. Cleveland’s on the clock. BRADY QUINN!!!
4:17: NY loves him. Brady’s handling this very well. I tell you what, I wasn’t completely sold on him before, but I’m glad for Brady. Lot less pressure. He goes where he wants to go. I’m about to send an e-mail to some guy I work with who’s a Browns fan and congratulate him.
4:19: Brady’s in pretty much the same situation as he could have been in Miami, maybe better. Kellen Winslow, Braylan Edwards, Jamal Lewis, and a new tackle.
4:20: The Browns traded their second round and next years # 1. Pretty high. I retract my comment about them being # 1 next year though, but they have a brutal schedule. Six games against Cincy, Baltimore and Pittsburgh.
4:30: Dammit, Cleveland doesn’t have hot chicks and those that are there, LeBron probably has the rest on lock. Looks like Lindy stays.
4:32: KC takes Dwayne Bowe. I was waiting until he was picked regardless to stop watching. Why you ask? Because I was listening to Kiper talk about him and asked where I’ve heard that name before. From Heat of course, possibly my favorite movie of all time. Wayne Groh is the guy who had De Niro come back to kill before making his escape which allowed Pacino to catch him. Good times!
4:36: And New England’s on the clock who are legitimately scary. They took a team that was up 21-3 in the de facto championship game and got the best free agent, the best free agent WR (their one weak area) and now have two first round picks. The favorite to win the championship next year, and if not, they should be. Indy lost their two starting CBs and Manning can shit fucking gold once in awhile. You still have to deal with his chocking.
4:46: New England get Brandon Meriweather from Miami. He stomped somebody in the Miami-FIU game, and has a handgun incident. “The Bengals couldn’t have taken him, the Patriots can.” Mort sums it all up. He returned fire at someone who shot at a roommate. “Yes, that was poor judgment, but it was legal.” And you wonder why I love the draft.
4:51: Sean Salisbury makes one of the few good points in his career saying that Belichik has a fear factor and no one leave New England with a character problem. I would never want to be in a room by myself with Belichik, let’s just say that.
4:55: The Panthers take Jon Beason, LB Miami. Keyshawn says he likes it off-camera that was captured on the mike.
4:57: Philly’s on the clock and their fans are already making a commotion and Rocky’s blaring from the speakers. Philly fans are completely nuts if you didn’t know.
4:58: Keyshawn’s not awful. In fact, he’s making good points if you can keep him of the USC subject. I was wrong.
4:59: Philly traded down to Dallas. Not sure how these two got on the phone together. There’s a lot of WR still on the board so maybe that’s why Dallas traded up. Let’s see what they gave up.
5:02: Philly gets a 2, 3 and a 5. Good play for them.
5:06: Dallas gets Anthony Spencer from Purdue. Kiper loves this guy. And Kiper fulfils this by raving about him. It’s bad when I can predict commenter comments.
5:17: Jaws breaks down the way to play quarterback in the NFL: anticipation. Good stuff in the Jaws view of him making throws before receivers get our of their route. Jaws is the best analyst by far.
5:19: Saints get Robert Meachem from Tennesse WR.
5:23: Mark May rips the Ted Ginn pick. Apparently Dolphin fans booed the pick at a draft party in Miami. I’m not the only one who thought that was retarded.
5:31: Pats trade their pick to Niners. Did I hear a niner in there? Are you talking from a walkie talkie?
5:34: The Niners get Joe Staley from their walkie talkie. Any time you have an offensive tackle from the MAC you have to make that trade.
5:35: The big trend from this draft is to pick guys who “love football.” As opposed to their previous policy of picking guys who love to commit felonies and play football on Sundays.
5:45: Baltimore takes an OL from Auburn. I’m just flipping back between the draft and Yankees-Red Sox at this point. Wakefield just got Matsui to pop out with the bases loaded. Yanks are up 2-0, but are in post season form. Anytime Bobby Abreu is bunting to get on base, I think you’re a desperate team.
5:50: Keyshawn is advocating for Dwayne Jarrett to go to San Diego. Keyshawn said this was the ideal place since Norv Turner picked Michael Westbrook in Washington….uummmm not the best comparison Keyshawn.
5:53: They just showed Greg Olsen from Miami smiling with his ridiculously hot girlfriend. Miami’s the place to be. Unfortunatley, Drew Rosenhaus is his agent, so I’m sure he’s been hitting on her all afternoon. That man is the devil. Doesn’t Olsen know that’s probably why he went this late.
5:57: Chargers take Craig Davis WR from LSU. Umm….Russell was throwing to two 1st round picks and he had an impressive game against Notre Dame’s defense. I’m even more suspicious.
5:59: Kiper just rattled off every wide receiver’s 40 time to the hundredths of a second that could get drafted there to shut Keyshawn up. He’s the absolute best.
6:10: Greg Olsen goes to Chicago. His father’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Let’s just say that wouldn’t be dad’s outfit if we got drafted.
6:12: Ok, Indy’s on the clock. It’s nap time again for me soon. This has been a long 6 hours. We need more drafts where the Vikings don’t pick and teams take 30 seconds in making a decision.
6:19: Apparently this is the longest 1st round in NFL history. Indy takes Anthony Gonzalez from Ohio St. Good pick, and on that note, I’m done. See you next year.
6:24, We’re not done yet. Belichick is on with a peach/pink tie. This is a tremendous development. He’s justifying selecting the stomper/shooter/safety. I wish I could properly describe the outfit Bill is wearing but my vocabulary isn’t that good. Just a tremendous 5 minutes of television.
POST DRAFT INFO YOU NEED TO KNOW
A few things that you probably should know that occurred after the draft that may affect what I said above. All of that was in real time. Here’s a few things I didn’t know:
1. Miami took John Beck, QB from BYU in the second round. This guy was moving up a lot of draft boards and I guess that was the quarterback they were targeting all along. I think a lot of teams didn’t see much difference between him and Quinn so they didn’t want to pay 1st round money for Quinn. Still doesn’t excuse taking Ted Ginn 10 picks too early.
2. Even better, on Monday, Ginn said he might not be ready for training camp in August because of a foot injury. Miami fans just shot themselves.
3. Detroit did the same thing. They got Stanton from Michigan St. in round 2.
4. New England got the best player in the draft in round 4, when they traded their pick for Randy Moss. I think I love this more than the Adrian Peterson pick. Moss is reworking his contract as well. A few people are saying that New England doesn’t need him and the risk of him becoming a locker room cancer is too much. First off, Brady, Belichick and Bruschi aren’t taking crap from anyone. All prior teams needed to coddle Randy because they needed him to win. New England doesn’t. They can cut him at any time if necessary. Second, Randy reportedly ran a 4.29-4.30 in the past week. That would make him the fastest one in this years draft. I see nothing but upside for New England for this trade. Peter King notes that New England might have had the greatest off-season ever before this. Getting Moss makes it ridiculous.
5. In what might overtake Mr. T getting T Cell cancer as definition of irony, Keyshawn was released by Carolina three days after they selected Dwayne Jarrett, who Keyshawn advocated every team to pick. That’ll be the second team that released Keyshawn. Wayne Chrebett has never been released.
6. I have to take back some of what I said about Lindy. After some research (if you don’t think I’m going to spend time looking this stuff up, you really don’t know me. How did the world function before Google? ) Apparently, Lindy is a soccer player from University of Miami (OH) and from Dublin, OH. So I’d assume that she’s been with him since high school. I take back the gold digger line Lindy. If you can stick with him through the Ty Willingham times, she can’t be that bad. Secondly, her picture on the website makes her look a lot better from the front. ESPN, why did you give me the side view. I feel bad about this.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Final NBA Barney Standings
It’s been a long and arduous season (for the players, not me. Well, probably arduous for my liver), but finally the playoffs are here. And I couldn’t be more excited. Time for the real season to begin. And that’s why I am now presenting the winners of the Barney Standings. Because the playoffs are no time to joke around (do you hear that Wizards?). Anyway, ‘cause I’m lazy, I’m just doing it college ranking style. I now present my final Top 10.
Also receiving votes:
Pacers – In the end, just too many depressing stories.
Bulls – Led the league in former college national champions suspended by their team.
10. 76ers – Only because one of their players was reported in the Post as hooking up with former porn star Mary Cary. And then finding up it was like the backup, backup center (Jason Smith). And that he described her as a “fantasy” or “goddess” or something like that. The NBA, where just being 7 feet tall gets you a quarter million dollars a year and porn stars happens.
9. Lakers – Did anyone else see Phil Jackson make a reference to Brokeback Mountain regarding someone’s aggressiveness and ESPN blowing this up into a story that he was offending people? If so, did you see Phil’s response in which he apologized to cowboys, horses and a slew of other random people? Hilarious. Kobe decided to jump over an Aston Martin which was pretty cool too. And they played the Nuggets in the first round, ensuring I get to continue making Kobe/Colorado jokes.
8. Hornets – Just because they brought back the Birdman. Hopefully he’ll fly again.
7. Cavs – Like the real team, strictly because of Lebron. His response to Deshawn Stevenson calling him “overrated” was classic: “That’s like Jay-Z getting mad at something Soulja Boy said.” Anytime you can put a guy in his place and dis Soulja Boy at the same time, you get the Barney Seal of Approval. They were also only funny to me when I realized that the players they traded for at the deadline were characters from “The Lebrons.” Ben Wallace was Wise (and just as old), Wally Serbiasadfjashbbzhdsa is Business (tell me you can see Wally checking himself in the mirror at least 20 times a day) and Delonte West is the Kid, mostly because he has a small head. Ok, maybe its only funny to me.
6. Suns – And not just because of Shaq. I love the Big Cactus nickname and that he joined the police force in Phoenix immediately after joining. But I also love that they played an elaborate joke on Barbosa when they convinced him he was traded to the Knicks. Leonardo was on the verge of tears. Shaq didn’t have many great quotes, but when he was chasing a ball going out of bounds and the entire Suns bench gets up and runs? That’s hilarious.
5. Nuggets – They’re here strictly off Melo’s DUI arrest. Carmelo Anthony Drunk will now be a step below Barney Drunk. Not able to stand up on one leg? Tell the officer, “I don’t have good balance.” Not able to walk a straight line and back? Just don’t walk back. And then have your fiancée not bail you out.
4. Knicks – Started off real strong with the Truck Party and all of that, but towards the end, just became too depressing. You get major points off in the Barney scoring system for disgracing the game of basketball, and these Knicks did that. It got to the point where what would normally be wacky hijinx (Nate Robinson and Zach Randolph throwing towels and water at each other during a time out for example) was not in good fun, but because these guys genuinely disliked each other. Anytime a team goes on the road and the other teams fans are chanting for someone to get fired, it may be entertaining, but in a way that doesn’t leave a smile on my face. Donnie Walsh could have made up for all of this by annihilating Isiah in his firing post conference, but chose to let the Pope in NYC steal the headlines. Peter Vescey killed the Knicks for this in Sunday’s Post by the way, an article I found highly entertaining.
3. Kings – Were a disappointment for most of the year, but Ron Ron came on strong in the end. We found out that he has a member of his entourage on staff to get him organic cookies late at night when he gets cravings and to handle “giant snake eggs” in his back yard (us normal folk call them mushrooms). And to top it off, he’s now in an ad for PETA. I usually don’t condone appearing in PETA adds (see the failed Free Mike Vick campaign), but for Ron Ron, I’ll let it slide (Artest can get away with pretty much anything in my book), if only because he was arrested for animal cruelty for not feeding his dogs or something like that. If SPENCER HAWES gave them anything this year, they could have been higher.
2. Warriors – A tough choice at # 2. Any other year, they might have been champs. First, they elected Stephen Jackson as their captain, who started the season suspended for a strip club shooting. Then Baron Davis started a book club and reviews movies online. Matt Barnes can go toe to toe with anyone in the league for bad tats. They even brought back Chris Webber for shits and giggles. Oh, and they were on my favorite poster since the early 90s. A solid # 2.
1. Wizards – Maybe it’s because I’m local and get to see their wackiness on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because DC Sports Blog on the Washington Post has the best coverage of any team’s day to day activities. But mostly, I think it’s because they’re the most ridiculous team in the NBA. They’re led by Arenas, who goes by Agent Zero and invites random people to his house to play paint ball. Their best player this year goes by the nickname “Tough Juice” and had a birthday party hosted by Kim Kardashian. And Deshawn Stevenson was the breakout player this year with his beard growing and challenging LeBron (stupidly I might add. Stupid, but entertaining). Plus when you have a reserve who got arrested for soliciting a prostitute at one of your main bar hopping places, which allows you to make continued jokes about finding hookers in Dupont Circle, well, that just puts you over the top. Chuck also called them the “dumbest team in the history of Western Civilization.” That didn’t hurt either. So congratulations to the Washington Wizards, 2007-2008 Barney League Champs. May you celebrate your win in style and hopefully multiple arrests.
Also receiving votes:
Pacers – In the end, just too many depressing stories.
Bulls – Led the league in former college national champions suspended by their team.
10. 76ers – Only because one of their players was reported in the Post as hooking up with former porn star Mary Cary. And then finding up it was like the backup, backup center (Jason Smith). And that he described her as a “fantasy” or “goddess” or something like that. The NBA, where just being 7 feet tall gets you a quarter million dollars a year and porn stars happens.
9. Lakers – Did anyone else see Phil Jackson make a reference to Brokeback Mountain regarding someone’s aggressiveness and ESPN blowing this up into a story that he was offending people? If so, did you see Phil’s response in which he apologized to cowboys, horses and a slew of other random people? Hilarious. Kobe decided to jump over an Aston Martin which was pretty cool too. And they played the Nuggets in the first round, ensuring I get to continue making Kobe/Colorado jokes.
8. Hornets – Just because they brought back the Birdman. Hopefully he’ll fly again.
7. Cavs – Like the real team, strictly because of Lebron. His response to Deshawn Stevenson calling him “overrated” was classic: “That’s like Jay-Z getting mad at something Soulja Boy said.” Anytime you can put a guy in his place and dis Soulja Boy at the same time, you get the Barney Seal of Approval. They were also only funny to me when I realized that the players they traded for at the deadline were characters from “The Lebrons.” Ben Wallace was Wise (and just as old), Wally Serbiasadfjashbbzhdsa is Business (tell me you can see Wally checking himself in the mirror at least 20 times a day) and Delonte West is the Kid, mostly because he has a small head. Ok, maybe its only funny to me.
6. Suns – And not just because of Shaq. I love the Big Cactus nickname and that he joined the police force in Phoenix immediately after joining. But I also love that they played an elaborate joke on Barbosa when they convinced him he was traded to the Knicks. Leonardo was on the verge of tears. Shaq didn’t have many great quotes, but when he was chasing a ball going out of bounds and the entire Suns bench gets up and runs? That’s hilarious.
5. Nuggets – They’re here strictly off Melo’s DUI arrest. Carmelo Anthony Drunk will now be a step below Barney Drunk. Not able to stand up on one leg? Tell the officer, “I don’t have good balance.” Not able to walk a straight line and back? Just don’t walk back. And then have your fiancée not bail you out.
4. Knicks – Started off real strong with the Truck Party and all of that, but towards the end, just became too depressing. You get major points off in the Barney scoring system for disgracing the game of basketball, and these Knicks did that. It got to the point where what would normally be wacky hijinx (Nate Robinson and Zach Randolph throwing towels and water at each other during a time out for example) was not in good fun, but because these guys genuinely disliked each other. Anytime a team goes on the road and the other teams fans are chanting for someone to get fired, it may be entertaining, but in a way that doesn’t leave a smile on my face. Donnie Walsh could have made up for all of this by annihilating Isiah in his firing post conference, but chose to let the Pope in NYC steal the headlines. Peter Vescey killed the Knicks for this in Sunday’s Post by the way, an article I found highly entertaining.
3. Kings – Were a disappointment for most of the year, but Ron Ron came on strong in the end. We found out that he has a member of his entourage on staff to get him organic cookies late at night when he gets cravings and to handle “giant snake eggs” in his back yard (us normal folk call them mushrooms). And to top it off, he’s now in an ad for PETA. I usually don’t condone appearing in PETA adds (see the failed Free Mike Vick campaign), but for Ron Ron, I’ll let it slide (Artest can get away with pretty much anything in my book), if only because he was arrested for animal cruelty for not feeding his dogs or something like that. If SPENCER HAWES gave them anything this year, they could have been higher.
2. Warriors – A tough choice at # 2. Any other year, they might have been champs. First, they elected Stephen Jackson as their captain, who started the season suspended for a strip club shooting. Then Baron Davis started a book club and reviews movies online. Matt Barnes can go toe to toe with anyone in the league for bad tats. They even brought back Chris Webber for shits and giggles. Oh, and they were on my favorite poster since the early 90s. A solid # 2.
1. Wizards – Maybe it’s because I’m local and get to see their wackiness on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because DC Sports Blog on the Washington Post has the best coverage of any team’s day to day activities. But mostly, I think it’s because they’re the most ridiculous team in the NBA. They’re led by Arenas, who goes by Agent Zero and invites random people to his house to play paint ball. Their best player this year goes by the nickname “Tough Juice” and had a birthday party hosted by Kim Kardashian. And Deshawn Stevenson was the breakout player this year with his beard growing and challenging LeBron (stupidly I might add. Stupid, but entertaining). Plus when you have a reserve who got arrested for soliciting a prostitute at one of your main bar hopping places, which allows you to make continued jokes about finding hookers in Dupont Circle, well, that just puts you over the top. Chuck also called them the “dumbest team in the history of Western Civilization.” That didn’t hurt either. So congratulations to the Washington Wizards, 2007-2008 Barney League Champs. May you celebrate your win in style and hopefully multiple arrests.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Top 7 - Isiah
It was rumored that the AP had written Britney Spears’ obituary while she was going through her tough times, just so they had something ready to go in the (likely) chance things ended badly. In the same manner, I’m writing my Top 7 Moments of the Isiah era before it actually ends. Because I want to have something ready to go when it finally happens. Though I came into this era not liking Zeke (“Larry Bird would just be an average player if he were black,” walking off the court before Game 4 of the 1991 Eastern Conference Finals was over), but in the end, I gotta say he’s made my life more entertaining. Part of me hates him for making the Knicks a punch line, but I think if they hire Mark Jackson as coach, they’ll be alright. Anyway, there have been numerous Zeke jokes in this blog, so I think I need to pay tribute with my Top 7 moments.
7. In March 2007, James Dolan says the team has made “noticeable progress” while under Zeke. The team goes something like 2-13 after this announcement is made
6. Jalen Rose sums up the Isiah Era: “I put together our roster on NBA Live and we’re pretty good.”
5. During the 2006 NBA Draft, the Knicks select Ronaldo Balkman which nearly caused a riot in MSG. Though Balkman has turned into a serviceable player for a low first round pick, this was one of those moments you thought something great was going to happen and it actually did. I think I was anticipating the Knicks pick more than the 1st one. And Isiah goes and picks someone most people didn’t even have getting drafted.
4. . Portfolio.com reveals that Isiah lost $187 million over the years. $187 million. That’s essentially the GDP of the Marshall Islands (thank you Mr. Geography). (http://www.portfolio.com/executives/features/2008/04/04/The-Isiah-Thomas-Tax)
3. Larry Brown is paid $18.5 million to coach one season of basketball.
2. Isiah brings in Stephon Marbury. At the time, Starbury was hailed as the hometown boy who would be the savior. Instead, he went batshit crazy and now is more interested in selling $15 sneakers. I think teams still have draft picks from this deal. Just a microcosm of the Isiah era. Remember Knicks fans were excited to get him because he wasn’t Scott Layden.
1. It has to be the sexual harassment trial, doesn’t it? I mean the Marbury truck incident, the “I don’t give a fuck about these white people,” quote. It really was to cherry on top of the proverbial Isiah cake. I could probably do a separate Top 7 moments of this trial. Instead, I’ll be lazy and put this at # 1.
I’m not comfortable at all with this list. There are probably 20 moments that could be included. There has to be some crazy signing I left out. Oh well, that was the Isiah Era. (I was going to link to it, but Sports Guy beat me to it. The NY Mag article that absolutely destroys Isiah. Not only did it go in depth into every bad decision, it used creative adjectives to describe Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. I highly recommend it.)
Add on after it actually happened: I’m disappointed in the Post. “Bye-siah”. Weak. You’re better than that NY Post.
7. In March 2007, James Dolan says the team has made “noticeable progress” while under Zeke. The team goes something like 2-13 after this announcement is made
6. Jalen Rose sums up the Isiah Era: “I put together our roster on NBA Live and we’re pretty good.”
5. During the 2006 NBA Draft, the Knicks select Ronaldo Balkman which nearly caused a riot in MSG. Though Balkman has turned into a serviceable player for a low first round pick, this was one of those moments you thought something great was going to happen and it actually did. I think I was anticipating the Knicks pick more than the 1st one. And Isiah goes and picks someone most people didn’t even have getting drafted.
4. . Portfolio.com reveals that Isiah lost $187 million over the years. $187 million. That’s essentially the GDP of the Marshall Islands (thank you Mr. Geography). (http://www.portfolio.com/executives/features/2008/04/04/The-Isiah-Thomas-Tax)
3. Larry Brown is paid $18.5 million to coach one season of basketball.
2. Isiah brings in Stephon Marbury. At the time, Starbury was hailed as the hometown boy who would be the savior. Instead, he went batshit crazy and now is more interested in selling $15 sneakers. I think teams still have draft picks from this deal. Just a microcosm of the Isiah era. Remember Knicks fans were excited to get him because he wasn’t Scott Layden.
1. It has to be the sexual harassment trial, doesn’t it? I mean the Marbury truck incident, the “I don’t give a fuck about these white people,” quote. It really was to cherry on top of the proverbial Isiah cake. I could probably do a separate Top 7 moments of this trial. Instead, I’ll be lazy and put this at # 1.
I’m not comfortable at all with this list. There are probably 20 moments that could be included. There has to be some crazy signing I left out. Oh well, that was the Isiah Era. (I was going to link to it, but Sports Guy beat me to it. The NY Mag article that absolutely destroys Isiah. Not only did it go in depth into every bad decision, it used creative adjectives to describe Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph. I highly recommend it.)
Add on after it actually happened: I’m disappointed in the Post. “Bye-siah”. Weak. You’re better than that NY Post.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I've Found the Perfect Picture for My New Office
Does Charles Oakley follow MJ around everywhere? Oak's shirt is incredible. Could Mike have done better? Why is he wearing a purple shirt? Have they both been listening to Cam's "Purple Haze" album recently? Prince? Guess MJ wasn't out scouting the NCAA tournament. Actually, check that. This cannot be in my office because I would never get any work done.
Weekend Musings
This blogging thing isn’t as easy as it seems. You’d think it’d be easy to string together one thousand words incoherently, but it’s not. Well, actually doing it isn’t. It’s finding time to be incoherent. Between working 11-12 hour days and being a raging alcoholic, it’s tough to find time to write about my weekend adventures. And somehow, I persevere. I’ll get off my soap box, and get into the weekend musings.
Tough to figure out what my favorite moment of Saturday night. A coworker was celebrating her birthday and you know what that means. Everyone is getting shitty, so drunk Barney doesn’t stand out as much. Anyway, the bar that we went to had a small band playing. Just a singer, a guitar and a guy on bongos. And you know what they played? That’s right, they covered Pac’s California Love. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t start doing Pac’s dance from the video. Another person decided this would be a good picture to get, so I’m on facebook somewhere doing the Pac dance. I’m about one more dumbass picture away from being on pace with Brady Quinn last summer.
The second candidate is probably the winner. We’re at a diner after the bars close (2 AM? What is that?), and we’re that table. We clapped when someone at another table burped. Someone called a girl walking by in a stripperesque outfit Britney Spears. We thought we ran the diner. Until someone decided to mention something about Pittsburgh. A guy from the table next to us goes, “Did someone mention Pittsburgh?” My first thought is, “Uh oh, we might have gone too far. I’m really not in the mood for a fight.” He then proceeds to open his blazer. If this was Boyz N the Hood, a 9 mm would have come out. Instead, he shows off the inner lining of his jacket. It’s gold with “Steelers” written in black. He than defiantly says, “Pittsburgh fucking Steelers.”
After about 10 seconds of absolute shock, I started to comprehend what just happened. First, an apparent Steeler fan had decided that he needed a jacket to show his support. A Starter jacket wouldn’t do, it had to be a blazer. Second, this blazer wasn’t just for Sundays in the fall. Nope, he’s wearing it out Saturday night bar hopping. Third, had he been waiting all night to show that off? This is where the questions began. Were we the crowning achievement of his evening? His life? What would he have done if he went home with a chick? Should I be in awe of this man who captivated an entire diner filled with drunks or spite that he has fallen so far that he uses the Steelers as his source of self esteem? I left this diner more confused than I had entered it. And yet I had a sense that I had witnessed something that might never be equaled. One thing is for certain: I will probably figure women out before I understand Steeler fans. Actually that’s a lie. I will never figure either of them out.
I’m not sure how I follow that up. I think I’ll just wrap it up B. I’m trying to do multiple NBA episodes. First, we’ll have the final results of the Barney NBA Standings. And something extra special to kick off the playoffs. (Commence anticipation)
Tough to figure out what my favorite moment of Saturday night. A coworker was celebrating her birthday and you know what that means. Everyone is getting shitty, so drunk Barney doesn’t stand out as much. Anyway, the bar that we went to had a small band playing. Just a singer, a guitar and a guy on bongos. And you know what they played? That’s right, they covered Pac’s California Love. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t start doing Pac’s dance from the video. Another person decided this would be a good picture to get, so I’m on facebook somewhere doing the Pac dance. I’m about one more dumbass picture away from being on pace with Brady Quinn last summer.
The second candidate is probably the winner. We’re at a diner after the bars close (2 AM? What is that?), and we’re that table. We clapped when someone at another table burped. Someone called a girl walking by in a stripperesque outfit Britney Spears. We thought we ran the diner. Until someone decided to mention something about Pittsburgh. A guy from the table next to us goes, “Did someone mention Pittsburgh?” My first thought is, “Uh oh, we might have gone too far. I’m really not in the mood for a fight.” He then proceeds to open his blazer. If this was Boyz N the Hood, a 9 mm would have come out. Instead, he shows off the inner lining of his jacket. It’s gold with “Steelers” written in black. He than defiantly says, “Pittsburgh fucking Steelers.”
After about 10 seconds of absolute shock, I started to comprehend what just happened. First, an apparent Steeler fan had decided that he needed a jacket to show his support. A Starter jacket wouldn’t do, it had to be a blazer. Second, this blazer wasn’t just for Sundays in the fall. Nope, he’s wearing it out Saturday night bar hopping. Third, had he been waiting all night to show that off? This is where the questions began. Were we the crowning achievement of his evening? His life? What would he have done if he went home with a chick? Should I be in awe of this man who captivated an entire diner filled with drunks or spite that he has fallen so far that he uses the Steelers as his source of self esteem? I left this diner more confused than I had entered it. And yet I had a sense that I had witnessed something that might never be equaled. One thing is for certain: I will probably figure women out before I understand Steeler fans. Actually that’s a lie. I will never figure either of them out.
I’m not sure how I follow that up. I think I’ll just wrap it up B. I’m trying to do multiple NBA episodes. First, we’ll have the final results of the Barney NBA Standings. And something extra special to kick off the playoffs. (Commence anticipation)
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