Gear Grinding

The first question I usually get is, “Barney, what’s grinding your gears?” Actually that’s a lie. The first question I usually get every morning is either, “Are you still drunk from last night?” or “What time did you leave the office last night?” But somewhere between question 73 and 87, they’ll get to the gear grinding part. So the question is, “Barney, what’s grinding your gears?” (If you haven’t gotten it already, this is a blatant rip off of a Family Guy bit. What can I say, it’s an easy episode.)

Well Stan, I’ll tell you what’s grinding my gears: Tourists. They’re everywhere these days. DC has entered its “tourist season” so that means I’m surrounded by small town yokels who don’t know how to navigate the very difficult invention known as a subway. It’s only been around for 100 years so I can understand. One of the best practices in riding a train is to put enough money on your card before you get on. I know, I know, difficult concept. The alternative is not being allowed to exit and having 5 people ram into you.
Another thing tourists love to do is to travel during rush hour. Why someone would want to get up at 6 am when they’re on vacation is beyond me, but tourists love this. They’re just so excited to get to the museums that don’t open until 9 that they can’t sleep. Hence, they clog rush hour trains, can’t figure out if this is their stop or not, and worst of all, since they travel in packs, have loud conversations on the train. Listen buddy, if I wanted to hear how your fishing buddy from Podunk, Nebraska is getting married next month, I would have asked. I just want to sit hear in peace and read my newspaper. Just shut the fuck up and marvel at this new fangled technology that hasn’t reached the Midwest yet.
The other thing I don’t understand is what the big deal is about the Cherry Blossom Festival. It’s just a bunch of trees. That’s it. And yet, the National Mall is packed to capacity this time of year for people looking at pink trees. The only sane reason I could see attending this is to laugh at all the pussy whipped boyfriends who had to attend. Matter of fact, that sounds like a good idea. Guess who’s bringing a keg, a fold out chair and a megaphone to the Mall this weekend?
Finally, if you’re going to buy food in downtown DC, walk into the place with half a fucking clue what you want to eat. I’m a busy person who needs to get his food and coffee and get back to work. Don’t sit there at a buffet and ask to measure out your food before you pay. It’s $5.29 a pound for a reason pal. Either pay it or don’t. There’s an exotic hot dog vendor around the corner if you want to negotiate.
So please, for all of you potential Washington DC visitors, follow these simple rules and we’ll be fine.

Signed,

A DC Metro resident for 4 years who only gone to one museum/historical place in his entire time here and that was because he went to the Air and Space Museum for 5 minutes because he wanted to disprove the person who said there’s no air in space. Oh, and also, he wanted to try astronaut food again. Freeze dried Neapolitan ice cream…delicious.