Double Down Trent and Frank Costello Would Like to Retort to Your Accusations About Me on Friday Night

Judge: Would the defense please present its closing arguments.

Double Down: (Standing up on a seat) Ok, fine, I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole. Can anyone tell me where the high school girls hang out? (Gets down from table).
Frank: In this country, when you invite someone back to your apartment for an “after party”, it’s generally not so you can play a game of scrabble. In this country, when it’s 3 AM, we’re both piss drunk and you ask for a hug, it usually means you want something more than a hug. IN THIS COUNTRY, if you look right at someone in this situation, it means you want to kiss. You huggie. Me lovey long time. That’s how it works. What you do not do, is kiss me and then run to your room and shut the door and act surprised that something happened. John Lennon once said, “I’m an artist. If you give me a fucking tuba, I’ll make something out of it.” Do you understand what I’m saying?
Double Down: (Gets back on table) I’m so money and I don’t even know it? But fine, I’m the asshole. I’d rather hang out with high school girls anyway. We rest our case.

(Barney’s Note: I think in the last six months I’ve pretty much pissed everyone off at some point while being pissy drunk. We’re at the point where I would not be surprised at all if A&E asked me to be in one of their reality shows. I’ve done a lot of shit, but I’m not going to feel bad for trying to get some in that situation. I’d like to thanks my crack defense team of Double Down and Frank. You’re about 200 times better than Ookie’s defense team. And when you get a response from where those high school girls are at, Brock would really like to know.)
(Follow Up Note: No, she wasn’t Asian. But after reading this again, it would have been 20 times funnier if she was. Also no to? I did not leave a ridiculous voicemail immediately upon getting home.)
(Follow, Follow Up Note: My favorite part about this being a trial is that my entire defense would be on that it would all hinge on convincing the jury that there is no way in hell I would ever say, “I want a hug” to anyone, and that I’m the least touchy feely person I know. The best part would be getting my baby moms under oath and asking her, “Is it true that you once referred to Mr. Barney as emotionally constipated?” And when she answers yes, Double Down could yell out, “I rest my case.”)