Why am I not surprised that Nate Rob’s favorite saying is, “Shake and Bake”?
http://www.nypost.com/seven/02242009/sports/knicks/robby__41_points__rescues_knicks_156713.htm
Also note that the Knicks are looking to sign a 7’1” Senegalese player. Is it just me, or do you think Nate told D’Antoni to sign him just so he can dunk over him in practice?
http://www.ihoppancakeday.com/
Today is National Pancake Day or as I like to call it, National Day I had someone with a cool name in my crew. Besides Pancake, other names I’d be willing to consider: Boxcar, umm…if you have any more let me know.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/29349568
There’s a global banking crisis going on. Who can save us? If watching ProStars as a child taught me anything, Bo Jackson might be the one. In this case, he’s not teaming up with Jordan and Gretzky, but Ronnie Brown. I’ll be sure to invest my money with two people with an Auburn education.
(Let’s go back to Chuck’s greatest hits for some insight:
Ernie: "Auburn is a pretty good school. To graduate from there I suppose you really need to work hard and put forth maximum effort."
Sir Charles: "20 pts and 10 rebounds will get you through also")
On second thought, I’ll invest only up to what’s insured by the FDIC.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Top 7 - Free Ookie
It’s almost the end of February and I haven’t come up with a half baked scheme to help the Jets yet? For shame. Well, this week, that scheme came to me, as the Falcons announced that they would be looking to trade Michael Vick. Within about 3 seconds, my mind was already calculating why the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets should sign him. It took me a week, but I now have 7 good reasons why they should get Vick. And let me be clear, this isn’t for trading for Vick. If the Falcons want anyone to pick up that enormous contract they should include the entire Bad Newz Kennels operation, free Home Depot for life, and 2,000 number seven jerseys with “Mexico” on the back. These are the top 7 reasons why the Jets should sign Vick after he gets cut by the Falcons.
7. If Vick goes to a smaller market, he’ll be THE story for the entire season. In New York, he’ll be the story for a week, and then will get kicked off the back page when A-Rod does something stupid again, followed by the inevitable Mets September collapse. I don’t think he’ll have any problems with the booing. I’m fairly certain that booing is a drop in the bucket compared to trying to avoid getting raped in federal prison in terms of things that might affect your performace. Not that I ever want to know.
6. Vick also has to worry about the local residents of where he lands. The one team I keep hearing would be the 49ers. If there’s a city that would be most likely to have PETA wackos outside the practice facilities, San Francisco would be number one on the list. There may be some in New York (here’s one from Queensbridge, http://blog.peta.org/archives/2009/02/ron_artest.php. And yes, I’ve been waiting to fit that in somewhere), but I doubt they’ll want to travel all the way out to Florahm Park, New Jersey.
5. This isn’t just about Michael. Marcus’s exploits would now be covered by the world leader in journalism, the New York Post. Waving a gun at a McDonald’s in Virginia Beach gets you arrested. Do that on 42nd st, someone takes a picture on a camera phone and you’re on Page 6 the next day.
4. New coach Rex Ryan(who I love by the way) wants a physical team. I ask you, who’s more physical that someone who understands the pure, unadulterated ferocity of pit bull fighting? I say no one. Plus, he just finished coaching a team led by Ray Lewis, so he knows how to coach someone who can get stabby every once in awhile.
3. From an actual football perspective, now is the time to get him. Because Vick was born to run the Wildcat offense and NFL defenses haven’t quite figured it out yet. 2-3 years from now, they will have, but maybe by that time, he might be able to figure out how to complete a pass that requires touch.
2. Worst case? You make him receiver. He had leverage when he was the #1 pick in the draft to say he wants to be seen as a quarterback. When you haven’t played a down in more than 2 years and just got out of Leavenworth? Significantly less.
1. The number one reason? Who the fuck else are they going to get to play quarterback. The depth chart currently reads Kellen Clemens, Brett Ratliff and Eric Ainge. I’ve heard rumor of Derek fucking Anderson getting traded. Dear Lord. You’re telling me Vick isn’t a better option than that. Now you’re probably saying, “Draft a quarterback.” Have you seen this class? Matthew Stafford has bust written all over him. Mark Sanchez? Put it this way, I already have a request that I watch the draft with me so they can watch me lose it when Mark Sanchez gets picked by the Jets. So yes, I’m less than thrilled with this years QB class.
So the Free Ookie campaign of 2007 has been renamed the Free Ookie From the Falcons campaign in 2009.
Monday, February 16, 2009
All Star Saturday Night
Last week my baby mamma asked me what I was doing next Saturday. After thinking for a second, I replied, “It’s All Star Saturday Night, so I’ll imagine I’ll be watching that.” Of course, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day because that doesn’t really matter to me. I do feel a little disturb that I’m not with a significant other this year, because Chuck isn’t part of the TNT crew tonight. I say that jokingly, but the more I think about it, I’m realizing Chuck is closer to me than any female. I’m pretty sure that me debating whether to wear a t-shirt that makes reference to an Alabaman rednecks leprechaun siteing or my Stephen Jackson for Mayor shirt sealed my deal last night that I’m not someone who should be with someone for Valentine’s (I’m honestly afraid to wear the Jackson shirt because that’s never being topped. If I ever wear that out, I don’t know where I go next). In a related story, my date didn’t work out so well last night. Drinking 400 mL of Irish Whisky and settling in to go to bed before going out is not the best pregame to get laid. Getting a call to see if you want to meet up and then going to puke up the sleeping pills you took? Even worse. So I ended up meeting up with LA after that debacle and we put together an embarrassing shuffle board performance. Fantastic. I did enjoy getting woken up at 9 o’clock this morning with, “Crap, I need to get to this wine festival. And why is there a bottle of Patron on my floor?” I’m still trying to figure out if I’m more impressed by the fact that I get woken up to go to a wine festival or that someone decided to have a wine festival on Valentine’s Day. At this point, I’m going to go with the wine festival because someone had to have the idea to have singles drown their sorrows. Catering to degenerate alcoholics? I approve of that. (If you can’t tell, my experiment with sobriety has crashed into the divider and is in flames on the side of the road. I’m hoping my liver has regenerated sufficiently.) Wait, this is supposed to be a basketball column? Ok, fine. Here’s a running diary of Saturday Night.
8:05: Wait, Allen Iverson cut his braids? I haven’t been watching CNN today, but this should be national news.
8:11: I feel completely justified in spending the night at home when Kevin Harlan starts making jokes about Kenny Smith’s childhood. I mean, how many times a year does that happen? The TNT crew has to be the only one tv crew in America who’s responsibility includes finding incriminating pictures of the on air talent.
8:17: It looks like Bill Russell has been out enjoying the weekends festivities because it looks like he hasn’t shaved since Sunday. In what might be the only serious note of the night, Russell is That Dude. Harlan said that it’s debatable that he’s the most respected person in the NBA community. This is debatable? Ummm….who else is even in this debate?
8:24: Sonic blows my mind by having this quote in their commercial: “Money doesn’t grow on trees. Actually it does because it’s paper but I guess that’s just irony.” How has this joke not been made before? Have I just never heard this before? Between this and the Bill Russell question, I didn’t expect NBA All Star Weekend to be thought provoking.
8:29: I’m all for Joe Johnson getting a national commercial, but this might be the worst Jordan commercial ever.
8:30: SunTrust just ran a commercial saying that we’re not into shiny expensive things anymore. And they’re advertising this on an NBA All Star Weekend broadcast. I’ll let that sink in before mentioning that I’m fairly certain that NBA players are the most recession proof item out there. It’s even more bankable than rappers. Also, Britney Spears is the music for the intro to tonight. The NBA, where pretending that our audience isn’t hip hop and is middle America when it’s obviously not happens.
8:33: Dan Majerle makes an appearance. I feel better because about writing this while drinking alone because this is Jim Bones’ highlight of the year as well.
8:37: It’s also the highlight of Michael Cooper’s year as well. And I’m making Michael Cooper jokes. Fantastic. Enjoy the fact that you’re at the only blog on the internet that’s doing that.
8:41: I can’t be the only one who thinks Gatorade’s new ad campaign is retarded, right? Because it’s awful. The only redeeming fact is that they have Lil’ Wayne as part of it. It’s always fun to have someone announcing athletes who only consumes Gatorade in the morning because he needs to hydrate after getting high as shit the night before.
8:45: Reggie Miller: “Becky Hammon can shoot.” Barney: “She can also catch it.” There, I said it.
9:00: Let’s be honest, all these events are foreplay to the intercourse that is the Slam Dunk Contest. And Dwight Howard is a bad bitch. They had a special on TNT that went through the Dunk Contest in history and I’m not going to lie, there were moments where I sat there and said, “I remember where I was when that happened.”
9:02: If you would have told me that Al Harrington would have a national tv commercial, I would have called your bullshit and then would have prepared for our national economic implosion because Al fucking Harrington is a marketable commodity. If you then said it would be for K-Mart, it would have made a lot more sense. Because even Wal-Mart looks down on that place.
9:06: Does anyone else realize the irony that PlayStation is sponsoring the Skills Contest? Because this is a system that encourages an orgy of 3s and dunks. Also, on an unrelated note, I don’t own a system, but if they redid NBA Jam, I would buy a gaming system.
9:09: Did they just play Stone Temple Pilots after Derek Rose’s attempt? Even more shocking? Kevin Harlan just referred to Devin Harris as an “emerging superstar”. I know Harlan is prone to hyperbole, but I would have gone with, “Jay-Z’s only enticement in 2010 if the Brooklyn arena falls through.” (I just got a new laptop and apparently Jay-Z isn’t a spelling error in the new MS Word. You know you’ve made it when that happens. Like you honestly care about this.)
9:14: Reggie just referred to Fratello as the biggest flip-flopper since John McCain. I’m not prepared to live in a world where Reggie Miller is making political jokes (though I’m not sure that McCain has ever been accused of flip-flopping. Wasn’t that John Kerry?).
9:17: After Derek Rose won the contest, Harlan’s response was, “What is Dwyane Wade wearing tonight?” If a man who works with Craig Sager is calling out someone’s dressing, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we’re dangerously close to this All Star Weekend’s defining moment being everyone asking, “Has D Weezy lost his damn mind?” (We’ll also look back and laugh that Lil’ Wayne was the hottest dude in music at the time. If you had told me when I was a high school senior that someone from the Hot Boyz that wasn’t Juvenile was going to be in everyone’s remix in 2009 I would have looked at you very confusedly. As late as 2005 I laughed at King Bunt’s assessment that Weezy was hot. I later had to concede, “Good looking out on the head’s up on The Carter.” If you can’t tell, I’m trying to find something to write about something that diverts me from 1000 words about how Gatorade used to do commercials with Jordan and are now doing ones with contestants from a dancing group show on MTV.)
9:26: After making a comment on the state of music today, TNT comes back from a commercial with a song where I’m still trying to figure out if the artist is black or Asian. So maybe you should just disregard that note from 9:17.
9:29: I could watch Larry Bird’s 3 Point Contests all day. They just showed his 86 contest. Remember when superstars competed in All Star Saturday Night? Vince Carter’s hype for the dunk contest in Oakland? Multiply that by about a thousand if LeBron entered the contest. There is absolutely nothing that would surprise me if Bron tried it. My guess would be that he does a dunk from a step behind the free throw line to up Jordan. The fact that I’m actually thinking about how much I would lose my mind if this actually happened. So there you go, a blog devoted to drinking stories and Ron Artest is calling you out LeBron.
9:37: Kenny says that Daquan Cook isn’t ready for the lights and cameras. Wasn’t he in the NCAA national championship game with THE Ohio State University? I’m now calling out Kenny Smith’s fact checking. If I had more than 5 readers, this might get somewhere.
9:41: I’m a Jack guy, but I have to say, Jim Beam’s “The Girlfriend” commercial is fantastic.
9:43: Gary Payton is on TNT’s website wearing a t-shirt. Why is anyone surprised by the fact that Payton is a fantastic analyst? I could have told you this in 1996.
9:46: Reggie called out Roger Mason’s ashiness, saying he needs Jergens. .
9:47: Reggie just called out Ben Howland’s dedication to shooting. If you wonder why I’m drinking alone on Valentine’s it might be the fact that not only do I pick up on these references, I’m actually entertained by them.
9:49: D Weeazy is wearing a white suit with red glasses. This has to be the first time in history that an NBA player takes fashion sense from a proposed cabinet member (Yes, that was a Tom Daschle reference. And you’re wondering why you read my blog. Because where else can you go from conjuring up Big’s ashy to classy to political humor? Only on The Barney Show.)
9:56: Shaq’s suit is apparently “Everlasting Cactus Green”. Wade has a bandaid on his face and is doing a Kanye/Nelly hybrid. Honestly, this weekend will be known for the ridiculous Wade outfit.
10:01: This is wear we’re missing Chuck. Because he would be going to town on his Fav Five’s outfit.
10:02: And D-Weezy’s band aid says, “WADE”. If this wasn’t the story of the weekend, this fact just did it.
10:07: I’m not going to lie, I’m a fan of this Kevin Rudolph song (though before this, I didn’t know his actual name. It was always that rock song that Weezy is featured on). If it comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Unfortunately, Lil’ Wayne wasn’t available. You’re telling me you couldn’t get a rapper to All Star Weekend? I find that unacceptable. If there’s further evidence that everything before the dunk contest is the pregame, it’s that I’ve apparently turned into US Weekly because I’m having more comments about fashion and rappers than actual athletes.
10:11: I would have given you 6:1 odds that Nate Robinson started crowd surfing during his introduction. And I would have taken the Yes.
10:19: Fuck yes. They’re making references to Tom Chambers dunk over Mark Jackson. I can’t describe how excited this makes me because I was demanding this be mentioned as one of his qualifications to judge this. I need to get a life.
10:21: Wow, JR Smith has a lot of tats. I love that the Nuggets trade AI and still have the league tat lead.
10:23: Reason # 1,095 why I love All Star Weekend is that Ludicris is sitting next to Daryl Dawkins. 1,096 is that Kenny and Reggie made a reference to Martin and then immediately changed it up upon finding out that Martin died.
10:25: Reggie just called out LeBron. Howard did an ok dunk and just got a 50. I love Kenny Smith’s passion for the judging of this. Nice to know that I’m not the only one.
10:28: As we go to commercial, I’d like to note my favorite All Star moment, when McGrady threw it off the backboard to himself in 2002. Why? Because I stopped banging a chick to see the replay. If he ever makes the Hall of Fame, his plaque should say, “His play interrupted Barney’s intercourse”, because it’s not like that happens everyday. The me getting laid part is what I’m referring to.
10:31: Kenny insults all of Spain. I love this thing.
10:37: Kenny’s next beef? The people assisting on the dunk. And Nate Robinson did a ridiculous dunk. And then leaves the arena. Kenny seems to think that jumping on someone helps you. In fact, it hurts you because it’s an anti-trampoline. Instead of bouncing you, there’s a negative vertical effect. I’m glad I have an engineering degree so I can apply it to dunk contests. There’s a reason it cost an eighth of a million dollars.
10:40: Dwight Howard owns this competition. In the words of Maximus, he’s won the crowd. I am entertained.
10:43: I think everyone has the same reaction as me. Did that just happen? Was it that easy for a human to dunk at 12 feet? I don’t think we’ve had a mix of awe and disappointment at the same time.
10:44: I think that this is just a set up and Howard is just going to do all his final dunks at 12. Which would completely blow my mind. To copy a business phrase, he would shift the paradigm of the dunk contest. If he pulls off a windmill on a 12 foot rim, that’s it, it’s over. There will be no one who beats that (secretly wishing LeBron takes the challenge and then realizing that his true skill is running through linebackers in
10:47: And Nate just changed into green and put his kryptonite on. And Kevin Harlan just coined the “Kryptonite Dance”.
10:48: LeBron just said he was in the dunk contest. Honestly, I’m not ready to process it.
10:50: OH MY GOD. In the words of Reggie Miller, “This is not fair.”
10:52: Nate just did his thing. It’s 2009. Every hot rapper except for Jeezzy is on the same song at the Grammys, dunk contestants are helping each other. Global collaboration is happening.
10:53: LeBron just put his name in the dunk contest. President’s Weekend is locked in 2010. And it’s in Dallas? My daughter’s 4th birthday just became a week vacation.
10:55: Ehh…as Kenny said, “Michael did it without the off hand.”
10:58: Nate won it, and he deserved it. Howard’s last dunk was doo doo. His first dunk in the finals was ridiculous and as I said earlier, he should have done everything at 12 feet. That’s it, I’m quitting my job at IT consultant, I’m going to be an NBA
Dunk Contest judge.
11:01: Does Nate really think God cares who wins a slam dunk contest? We’ve reached the limit of ridiculous thanking.
11:08: Ok, that’s the night. The countdown to Dallas 2010 begins. Last week my baby mamma asked me what I was doing next Saturday. After thinking for a second, I replied, “It’s All Star Saturday Night, so I’ll imagine I’ll be watching that.” Of course, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day because that doesn’t really matter to me. I do feel a little disturb that I’m not with a significant other this year, because Chuck isn’t part of the TNT crew tonight. I say that jokingly, but the more I think about it, I’m realizing Chuck is closer to me than any female. I’m pretty sure that me debating whether to wear a t-shirt that makes reference to an Alabaman rednecks leprechaun siteing or my Stephen Jackson for Mayor shirt sealed my deal last night that I’m not someone who should be with someone for Valentine’s (I’m honestly afraid to wear the Jackson shirt because that’s never being topped. If I ever wear that out, I don’t know where I go next). In a related story, my date didn’t work out so well last night. Drinking 400 mL of Irish Whisky and settling in to go to bed before going out is not the best pregame to get laid. Getting a call to see if you want to meet up and then going to puke up the sleeping pills you took? Even worse. So I ended up meeting up with LA after that debacle and we put together an embarrassing shuffle board performance. Fantastic. I did enjoy getting woken up at 9 o’clock this morning with, “Crap, I need to get to this wine festival. And why is there a bottle of Patron on my floor?” I’m still trying to figure out if I’m more impressed by the fact that I get woken up to go to a wine festival or that someone decided to have a wine festival on Valentine’s Day. At this point, I’m going to go with the wine festival because someone had to have the idea to have singles drown their sorrows. Catering to degenerate alcoholics? I approve of that. (If you can’t tell, my experiment with sobriety has crashed into the divider and is in flames on the side of the road. I’m hoping my liver has regenerated sufficiently.) Wait, this is supposed to be a basketball column? Ok, fine. Here’s a running diary of Saturday Night.
8:05: Wait, Allen Iverson cut his braids? I haven’t been watching CNN today, but this should be national news.
8:11: I feel completely justified in spending the night at home when Kevin Harlan starts making jokes about Kenny Smith’s childhood. I mean, how many times a year does that happen? The TNT crew has to be the only one tv crew in America who’s responsibility includes finding incriminating pictures of the on air talent.
8:17: It looks like Bill Russell has been out enjoying the weekends festivities because it looks like he hasn’t shaved since Sunday. In what might be the only serious note of the night, Russell is That Dude. Harlan said that it’s debatable that he’s the most respected person in the NBA community. This is debatable? Ummm….who else is even in this debate?
8:24: Sonic blows my mind by having this quote in their commercial: “Money doesn’t grow on trees. Actually it does because it’s paper but I guess that’s just irony.” How has this joke not been made before? Have I just never heard this before? Between this and the Bill Russell question, I didn’t expect NBA All Star Weekend to be thought provoking.
8:29: I’m all for Joe Johnson getting a national commercial, but this might be the worst Jordan commercial ever.
8:30: SunTrust just ran a commercial saying that we’re not into shiny expensive things anymore. And they’re advertising this on an NBA All Star Weekend broadcast. I’ll let that sink in before mentioning that I’m fairly certain that NBA players are the most recession proof item out there. It’s even more bankable than rappers. Also, Britney Spears is the music for the intro to tonight. The NBA, where pretending that our audience isn’t hip hop and is middle America when it’s obviously not happens.
8:33: Dan Majerle makes an appearance. I feel better because about writing this while drinking alone because this is Jim Bones’ highlight of the year as well.
8:37: It’s also the highlight of Michael Cooper’s year as well. And I’m making Michael Cooper jokes. Fantastic. Enjoy the fact that you’re at the only blog on the internet that’s doing that.
8:41: I can’t be the only one who thinks Gatorade’s new ad campaign is retarded, right? Because it’s awful. The only redeeming fact is that they have Lil’ Wayne as part of it. It’s always fun to have someone announcing athletes who only consumes Gatorade in the morning because he needs to hydrate after getting high as shit the night before.
8:45: Reggie Miller: “Becky Hammon can shoot.” Barney: “She can also catch it.” There, I said it.
9:00: Let’s be honest, all these events are foreplay to the intercourse that is the Slam Dunk Contest. And Dwight Howard is a bad bitch. They had a special on TNT that went through the Dunk Contest in history and I’m not going to lie, there were moments where I sat there and said, “I remember where I was when that happened.”
9:02: If you would have told me that Al Harrington would have a national tv commercial, I would have called your bullshit and then would have prepared for our national economic implosion because Al fucking Harrington is a marketable commodity. If you then said it would be for K-Mart, it would have made a lot more sense. Because even Wal-Mart looks down on that place.
9:06: Does anyone else realize the irony that PlayStation is sponsoring the Skills Contest? Because this is a system that encourages an orgy of 3s and dunks. Also, on an unrelated note, I don’t own a system, but if they redid NBA Jam, I would buy a gaming system.
9:09: Did they just play Stone Temple Pilots after Derek Rose’s attempt? Even more shocking? Kevin Harlan just referred to Devin Harris as an “emerging superstar”. I know Harlan is prone to hyperbole, but I would have gone with, “Jay-Z’s only enticement in 2010 if the Brooklyn arena falls through.” (I just got a new laptop and apparently Jay-Z isn’t a spelling error in the new MS Word. You know you’ve made it when that happens. Like you honestly care about this.)
9:14: Reggie just referred to Fratello as the biggest flip-flopper since John McCain. I’m not prepared to live in a world where Reggie Miller is making political jokes (though I’m not sure that McCain has ever been accused of flip-flopping. Wasn’t that John Kerry?).
9:17: After Derek Rose won the contest, Harlan’s response was, “What is Dwyane Wade wearing tonight?” If a man who works with Craig Sager is calling out someone’s dressing, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we’re dangerously close to this All Star Weekend’s defining moment being everyone asking, “Has D Weezy lost his damn mind?” (We’ll also look back and laugh that Lil’ Wayne was the hottest dude in music at the time. If you had told me when I was a high school senior that someone from the Hot Boyz that wasn’t Juvenile was going to be in everyone’s remix in 2009 I would have looked at you very confusedly. As late as 2005 I laughed at King Bunt’s assessment that Weezy was hot. I later had to concede, “Good looking out on the head’s up on The Carter.” If you can’t tell, I’m trying to find something to write about something that diverts me from 1000 words about how Gatorade used to do commercials with Jordan and are now doing ones with contestants from a dancing group show on MTV.)
9:26: After making a comment on the state of music today, TNT comes back from a commercial with a song where I’m still trying to figure out if the artist is black or Asian. So maybe you should just disregard that note from 9:17.
9:29: I could watch Larry Bird’s 3 Point Contests all day. They just showed his 86 contest. Remember when superstars competed in All Star Saturday Night? Vince Carter’s hype for the dunk contest in Oakland? Multiply that by about a thousand if LeBron entered the contest. There is absolutely nothing that would surprise me if Bron tried it. My guess would be that he does a dunk from a step behind the free throw line to up Jordan. The fact that I’m actually thinking about how much I would lose my mind if this actually happened. So there you go, a blog devoted to drinking stories and Ron Artest is calling you out LeBron.
9:37: Kenny says that Daquan Cook isn’t ready for the lights and cameras. Wasn’t he in the NCAA national championship game with THE Ohio State University? I’m now calling out Kenny Smith’s fact checking. If I had more than 5 readers, this might get somewhere.
9:41: I’m a Jack guy, but I have to say, Jim Beam’s “The Girlfriend” commercial is fantastic.
9:43: Gary Payton is on TNT’s website wearing a t-shirt. Why is anyone surprised by the fact that Payton is a fantastic analyst? I could have told you this in 1996.
9:46: Reggie called out Roger Mason’s ashiness, saying he needs Jergens. .
9:47: Reggie just called out Ben Howland’s dedication to shooting. If you wonder why I’m drinking alone on Valentine’s it might be the fact that not only do I pick up on these references, I’m actually entertained by them.
9:49: D Weeazy is wearing a white suit with red glasses. This has to be the first time in history that an NBA player takes fashion sense from a proposed cabinet member (Yes, that was a Tom Daschle reference. And you’re wondering why you read my blog. Because where else can you go from conjuring up Big’s ashy to classy to political humor? Only on The Barney Show.)
9:56: Shaq’s suit is apparently “Everlasting Cactus Green”. Wade has a bandaid on his face and is doing a Kanye/Nelly hybrid. Honestly, this weekend will be known for the ridiculous Wade outfit.
10:01: This is wear we’re missing Chuck. Because he would be going to town on his Fav Five’s outfit.
10:02: And D-Weezy’s band aid says, “WADE”. If this wasn’t the story of the weekend, this fact just did it.
10:07: I’m not going to lie, I’m a fan of this Kevin Rudolph song (though before this, I didn’t know his actual name. It was always that rock song that Weezy is featured on). If it comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Unfortunately, Lil’ Wayne wasn’t available. You’re telling me you couldn’t get a rapper to All Star Weekend? I find that unacceptable. If there’s further evidence that everything before the dunk contest is the pregame, it’s that I’ve apparently turned into US Weekly because I’m having more comments about fashion and rappers than actual athletes.
10:11: I would have given you 6:1 odds that Nate Robinson started crowd surfing during his introduction. And I would have taken the Yes.
10:19: Fuck yes. They’re making references to Tom Chambers dunk over Mark Jackson. I can’t describe how excited this makes me because I was demanding this be mentioned as one of his qualifications to judge this. I need to get a life.
10:21: Wow, JR Smith has a lot of tats. I love that the Nuggets trade AI and still have the league tat lead.
10:23: Reason # 1,095 why I love All Star Weekend is that Ludicris is sitting next to Daryl Dawkins. 1,096 is that Kenny and Reggie made a reference to Martin and then immediately changed it up upon finding out that Martin died.
10:25: Reggie just called out LeBron. Howard did an ok dunk and just got a 50. I love Kenny Smith’s passion for the judging of this. Nice to know that I’m not the only one.
10:28: As we go to commercial, I’d like to note my favorite All Star moment, when McGrady threw it off the backboard to himself in 2002. Why? Because I stopped banging a chick to see the replay. If he ever makes the Hall of Fame, his plaque should say, “His play interrupted Barney’s intercourse”, because it’s not like that happens everyday. The me getting laid part is what I’m referring to.
10:31: Kenny insults all of Spain. I love this thing.
10:37: Kenny’s next beef? The people assisting on the dunk. And Nate Robinson did a ridiculous dunk. And then leaves the arena. Kenny seems to think that jumping on someone helps you. In fact, it hurts you because it’s an anti-trampoline. Instead of bouncing you, there’s a negative vertical effect. I’m glad I have an engineering degree so I can apply it to dunk contests. There’s a reason it cost an eighth of a million dollars.
10:40: Dwight Howard owns this competition. In the words of Maximus, he’s won the crowd. I am entertained.
10:43: I think everyone has the same reaction as me. Did that just happen? Was it that easy for a human to dunk at 12 feet? I don’t think we’ve had a mix of awe and disappointment at the same time.
10:44: I think that this is just a set up and Howard is just going to do all his final dunks at 12. Which would completely blow my mind. To copy a business phrase, he would shift the paradigm of the dunk contest. If he pulls off a windmill on a 12 foot rim, that’s it, it’s over. There will be no one who beats that (secretly wishing LeBron takes the challenge and then realizing that his true skill is running through linebackers in
10:47: And Nate just changed into green and put his kryptonite on. And Kevin Harlan just coined the “Kryptonite Dance”.
10:48: LeBron just said he was in the dunk contest. Honestly, I’m not ready to process it.
10:50: OH MY GOD. In the words of Reggie Miller, “This is not fair.”
10:52: Nate just did his thing. It’s 2009. Every hot rapper except for Jeezzy is on the same song at the Grammys, dunk contestants are helping each other. Global collaboration is happening.
10:53: LeBron just put his name in the dunk contest. President’s Weekend is locked in 2010. And it’s in Dallas? My daughter’s 4th birthday just became a week vacation.
10:55: Ehh…as Kenny said, “Michael did it without the off hand.”
10:58: Nate won it, and he deserved it. Howard’s last dunk was doo doo. His first dunk in the finals was ridiculous and as I said earlier, he should have done everything at 12 feet. That’s it, I’m quitting my job at IT consultant, I’m going to be an NBA
Dunk Contest judge.
11:01: Does Nate really think God cares who wins a slam dunk contest? We’ve reached the limit of ridiculous thanking.
11:08: Ok, that’s the night. The countdown to Dallas 2010 begins.
8:05: Wait, Allen Iverson cut his braids? I haven’t been watching CNN today, but this should be national news.
8:11: I feel completely justified in spending the night at home when Kevin Harlan starts making jokes about Kenny Smith’s childhood. I mean, how many times a year does that happen? The TNT crew has to be the only one tv crew in America who’s responsibility includes finding incriminating pictures of the on air talent.
8:17: It looks like Bill Russell has been out enjoying the weekends festivities because it looks like he hasn’t shaved since Sunday. In what might be the only serious note of the night, Russell is That Dude. Harlan said that it’s debatable that he’s the most respected person in the NBA community. This is debatable? Ummm….who else is even in this debate?
8:24: Sonic blows my mind by having this quote in their commercial: “Money doesn’t grow on trees. Actually it does because it’s paper but I guess that’s just irony.” How has this joke not been made before? Have I just never heard this before? Between this and the Bill Russell question, I didn’t expect NBA All Star Weekend to be thought provoking.
8:29: I’m all for Joe Johnson getting a national commercial, but this might be the worst Jordan commercial ever.
8:30: SunTrust just ran a commercial saying that we’re not into shiny expensive things anymore. And they’re advertising this on an NBA All Star Weekend broadcast. I’ll let that sink in before mentioning that I’m fairly certain that NBA players are the most recession proof item out there. It’s even more bankable than rappers. Also, Britney Spears is the music for the intro to tonight. The NBA, where pretending that our audience isn’t hip hop and is middle America when it’s obviously not happens.
8:33: Dan Majerle makes an appearance. I feel better because about writing this while drinking alone because this is Jim Bones’ highlight of the year as well.
8:37: It’s also the highlight of Michael Cooper’s year as well. And I’m making Michael Cooper jokes. Fantastic. Enjoy the fact that you’re at the only blog on the internet that’s doing that.
8:41: I can’t be the only one who thinks Gatorade’s new ad campaign is retarded, right? Because it’s awful. The only redeeming fact is that they have Lil’ Wayne as part of it. It’s always fun to have someone announcing athletes who only consumes Gatorade in the morning because he needs to hydrate after getting high as shit the night before.
8:45: Reggie Miller: “Becky Hammon can shoot.” Barney: “She can also catch it.” There, I said it.
9:00: Let’s be honest, all these events are foreplay to the intercourse that is the Slam Dunk Contest. And Dwight Howard is a bad bitch. They had a special on TNT that went through the Dunk Contest in history and I’m not going to lie, there were moments where I sat there and said, “I remember where I was when that happened.”
9:02: If you would have told me that Al Harrington would have a national tv commercial, I would have called your bullshit and then would have prepared for our national economic implosion because Al fucking Harrington is a marketable commodity. If you then said it would be for K-Mart, it would have made a lot more sense. Because even Wal-Mart looks down on that place.
9:06: Does anyone else realize the irony that PlayStation is sponsoring the Skills Contest? Because this is a system that encourages an orgy of 3s and dunks. Also, on an unrelated note, I don’t own a system, but if they redid NBA Jam, I would buy a gaming system.
9:09: Did they just play Stone Temple Pilots after Derek Rose’s attempt? Even more shocking? Kevin Harlan just referred to Devin Harris as an “emerging superstar”. I know Harlan is prone to hyperbole, but I would have gone with, “Jay-Z’s only enticement in 2010 if the Brooklyn arena falls through.” (I just got a new laptop and apparently Jay-Z isn’t a spelling error in the new MS Word. You know you’ve made it when that happens. Like you honestly care about this.)
9:14: Reggie just referred to Fratello as the biggest flip-flopper since John McCain. I’m not prepared to live in a world where Reggie Miller is making political jokes (though I’m not sure that McCain has ever been accused of flip-flopping. Wasn’t that John Kerry?).
9:17: After Derek Rose won the contest, Harlan’s response was, “What is Dwyane Wade wearing tonight?” If a man who works with Craig Sager is calling out someone’s dressing, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we’re dangerously close to this All Star Weekend’s defining moment being everyone asking, “Has D Weezy lost his damn mind?” (We’ll also look back and laugh that Lil’ Wayne was the hottest dude in music at the time. If you had told me when I was a high school senior that someone from the Hot Boyz that wasn’t Juvenile was going to be in everyone’s remix in 2009 I would have looked at you very confusedly. As late as 2005 I laughed at King Bunt’s assessment that Weezy was hot. I later had to concede, “Good looking out on the head’s up on The Carter.” If you can’t tell, I’m trying to find something to write about something that diverts me from 1000 words about how Gatorade used to do commercials with Jordan and are now doing ones with contestants from a dancing group show on MTV.)
9:26: After making a comment on the state of music today, TNT comes back from a commercial with a song where I’m still trying to figure out if the artist is black or Asian. So maybe you should just disregard that note from 9:17.
9:29: I could watch Larry Bird’s 3 Point Contests all day. They just showed his 86 contest. Remember when superstars competed in All Star Saturday Night? Vince Carter’s hype for the dunk contest in Oakland? Multiply that by about a thousand if LeBron entered the contest. There is absolutely nothing that would surprise me if Bron tried it. My guess would be that he does a dunk from a step behind the free throw line to up Jordan. The fact that I’m actually thinking about how much I would lose my mind if this actually happened. So there you go, a blog devoted to drinking stories and Ron Artest is calling you out LeBron.
9:37: Kenny says that Daquan Cook isn’t ready for the lights and cameras. Wasn’t he in the NCAA national championship game with THE Ohio State University? I’m now calling out Kenny Smith’s fact checking. If I had more than 5 readers, this might get somewhere.
9:41: I’m a Jack guy, but I have to say, Jim Beam’s “The Girlfriend” commercial is fantastic.
9:43: Gary Payton is on TNT’s website wearing a t-shirt. Why is anyone surprised by the fact that Payton is a fantastic analyst? I could have told you this in 1996.
9:46: Reggie called out Roger Mason’s ashiness, saying he needs Jergens. .
9:47: Reggie just called out Ben Howland’s dedication to shooting. If you wonder why I’m drinking alone on Valentine’s it might be the fact that not only do I pick up on these references, I’m actually entertained by them.
9:49: D Weeazy is wearing a white suit with red glasses. This has to be the first time in history that an NBA player takes fashion sense from a proposed cabinet member (Yes, that was a Tom Daschle reference. And you’re wondering why you read my blog. Because where else can you go from conjuring up Big’s ashy to classy to political humor? Only on The Barney Show.)
9:56: Shaq’s suit is apparently “Everlasting Cactus Green”. Wade has a bandaid on his face and is doing a Kanye/Nelly hybrid. Honestly, this weekend will be known for the ridiculous Wade outfit.
10:01: This is wear we’re missing Chuck. Because he would be going to town on his Fav Five’s outfit.
10:02: And D-Weezy’s band aid says, “WADE”. If this wasn’t the story of the weekend, this fact just did it.
10:07: I’m not going to lie, I’m a fan of this Kevin Rudolph song (though before this, I didn’t know his actual name. It was always that rock song that Weezy is featured on). If it comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Unfortunately, Lil’ Wayne wasn’t available. You’re telling me you couldn’t get a rapper to All Star Weekend? I find that unacceptable. If there’s further evidence that everything before the dunk contest is the pregame, it’s that I’ve apparently turned into US Weekly because I’m having more comments about fashion and rappers than actual athletes.
10:11: I would have given you 6:1 odds that Nate Robinson started crowd surfing during his introduction. And I would have taken the Yes.
10:19: Fuck yes. They’re making references to Tom Chambers dunk over Mark Jackson. I can’t describe how excited this makes me because I was demanding this be mentioned as one of his qualifications to judge this. I need to get a life.
10:21: Wow, JR Smith has a lot of tats. I love that the Nuggets trade AI and still have the league tat lead.
10:23: Reason # 1,095 why I love All Star Weekend is that Ludicris is sitting next to Daryl Dawkins. 1,096 is that Kenny and Reggie made a reference to Martin and then immediately changed it up upon finding out that Martin died.
10:25: Reggie just called out LeBron. Howard did an ok dunk and just got a 50. I love Kenny Smith’s passion for the judging of this. Nice to know that I’m not the only one.
10:28: As we go to commercial, I’d like to note my favorite All Star moment, when McGrady threw it off the backboard to himself in 2002. Why? Because I stopped banging a chick to see the replay. If he ever makes the Hall of Fame, his plaque should say, “His play interrupted Barney’s intercourse”, because it’s not like that happens everyday. The me getting laid part is what I’m referring to.
10:31: Kenny insults all of Spain. I love this thing.
10:37: Kenny’s next beef? The people assisting on the dunk. And Nate Robinson did a ridiculous dunk. And then leaves the arena. Kenny seems to think that jumping on someone helps you. In fact, it hurts you because it’s an anti-trampoline. Instead of bouncing you, there’s a negative vertical effect. I’m glad I have an engineering degree so I can apply it to dunk contests. There’s a reason it cost an eighth of a million dollars.
10:40: Dwight Howard owns this competition. In the words of Maximus, he’s won the crowd. I am entertained.
10:43: I think everyone has the same reaction as me. Did that just happen? Was it that easy for a human to dunk at 12 feet? I don’t think we’ve had a mix of awe and disappointment at the same time.
10:44: I think that this is just a set up and Howard is just going to do all his final dunks at 12. Which would completely blow my mind. To copy a business phrase, he would shift the paradigm of the dunk contest. If he pulls off a windmill on a 12 foot rim, that’s it, it’s over. There will be no one who beats that (secretly wishing LeBron takes the challenge and then realizing that his true skill is running through linebackers in
10:47: And Nate just changed into green and put his kryptonite on. And Kevin Harlan just coined the “Kryptonite Dance”.
10:48: LeBron just said he was in the dunk contest. Honestly, I’m not ready to process it.
10:50: OH MY GOD. In the words of Reggie Miller, “This is not fair.”
10:52: Nate just did his thing. It’s 2009. Every hot rapper except for Jeezzy is on the same song at the Grammys, dunk contestants are helping each other. Global collaboration is happening.
10:53: LeBron just put his name in the dunk contest. President’s Weekend is locked in 2010. And it’s in Dallas? My daughter’s 4th birthday just became a week vacation.
10:55: Ehh…as Kenny said, “Michael did it without the off hand.”
10:58: Nate won it, and he deserved it. Howard’s last dunk was doo doo. His first dunk in the finals was ridiculous and as I said earlier, he should have done everything at 12 feet. That’s it, I’m quitting my job at IT consultant, I’m going to be an NBA
Dunk Contest judge.
11:01: Does Nate really think God cares who wins a slam dunk contest? We’ve reached the limit of ridiculous thanking.
11:08: Ok, that’s the night. The countdown to Dallas 2010 begins. Last week my baby mamma asked me what I was doing next Saturday. After thinking for a second, I replied, “It’s All Star Saturday Night, so I’ll imagine I’ll be watching that.” Of course, I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day because that doesn’t really matter to me. I do feel a little disturb that I’m not with a significant other this year, because Chuck isn’t part of the TNT crew tonight. I say that jokingly, but the more I think about it, I’m realizing Chuck is closer to me than any female. I’m pretty sure that me debating whether to wear a t-shirt that makes reference to an Alabaman rednecks leprechaun siteing or my Stephen Jackson for Mayor shirt sealed my deal last night that I’m not someone who should be with someone for Valentine’s (I’m honestly afraid to wear the Jackson shirt because that’s never being topped. If I ever wear that out, I don’t know where I go next). In a related story, my date didn’t work out so well last night. Drinking 400 mL of Irish Whisky and settling in to go to bed before going out is not the best pregame to get laid. Getting a call to see if you want to meet up and then going to puke up the sleeping pills you took? Even worse. So I ended up meeting up with LA after that debacle and we put together an embarrassing shuffle board performance. Fantastic. I did enjoy getting woken up at 9 o’clock this morning with, “Crap, I need to get to this wine festival. And why is there a bottle of Patron on my floor?” I’m still trying to figure out if I’m more impressed by the fact that I get woken up to go to a wine festival or that someone decided to have a wine festival on Valentine’s Day. At this point, I’m going to go with the wine festival because someone had to have the idea to have singles drown their sorrows. Catering to degenerate alcoholics? I approve of that. (If you can’t tell, my experiment with sobriety has crashed into the divider and is in flames on the side of the road. I’m hoping my liver has regenerated sufficiently.) Wait, this is supposed to be a basketball column? Ok, fine. Here’s a running diary of Saturday Night.
8:05: Wait, Allen Iverson cut his braids? I haven’t been watching CNN today, but this should be national news.
8:11: I feel completely justified in spending the night at home when Kevin Harlan starts making jokes about Kenny Smith’s childhood. I mean, how many times a year does that happen? The TNT crew has to be the only one tv crew in America who’s responsibility includes finding incriminating pictures of the on air talent.
8:17: It looks like Bill Russell has been out enjoying the weekends festivities because it looks like he hasn’t shaved since Sunday. In what might be the only serious note of the night, Russell is That Dude. Harlan said that it’s debatable that he’s the most respected person in the NBA community. This is debatable? Ummm….who else is even in this debate?
8:24: Sonic blows my mind by having this quote in their commercial: “Money doesn’t grow on trees. Actually it does because it’s paper but I guess that’s just irony.” How has this joke not been made before? Have I just never heard this before? Between this and the Bill Russell question, I didn’t expect NBA All Star Weekend to be thought provoking.
8:29: I’m all for Joe Johnson getting a national commercial, but this might be the worst Jordan commercial ever.
8:30: SunTrust just ran a commercial saying that we’re not into shiny expensive things anymore. And they’re advertising this on an NBA All Star Weekend broadcast. I’ll let that sink in before mentioning that I’m fairly certain that NBA players are the most recession proof item out there. It’s even more bankable than rappers. Also, Britney Spears is the music for the intro to tonight. The NBA, where pretending that our audience isn’t hip hop and is middle America when it’s obviously not happens.
8:33: Dan Majerle makes an appearance. I feel better because about writing this while drinking alone because this is Jim Bones’ highlight of the year as well.
8:37: It’s also the highlight of Michael Cooper’s year as well. And I’m making Michael Cooper jokes. Fantastic. Enjoy the fact that you’re at the only blog on the internet that’s doing that.
8:41: I can’t be the only one who thinks Gatorade’s new ad campaign is retarded, right? Because it’s awful. The only redeeming fact is that they have Lil’ Wayne as part of it. It’s always fun to have someone announcing athletes who only consumes Gatorade in the morning because he needs to hydrate after getting high as shit the night before.
8:45: Reggie Miller: “Becky Hammon can shoot.” Barney: “She can also catch it.” There, I said it.
9:00: Let’s be honest, all these events are foreplay to the intercourse that is the Slam Dunk Contest. And Dwight Howard is a bad bitch. They had a special on TNT that went through the Dunk Contest in history and I’m not going to lie, there were moments where I sat there and said, “I remember where I was when that happened.”
9:02: If you would have told me that Al Harrington would have a national tv commercial, I would have called your bullshit and then would have prepared for our national economic implosion because Al fucking Harrington is a marketable commodity. If you then said it would be for K-Mart, it would have made a lot more sense. Because even Wal-Mart looks down on that place.
9:06: Does anyone else realize the irony that PlayStation is sponsoring the Skills Contest? Because this is a system that encourages an orgy of 3s and dunks. Also, on an unrelated note, I don’t own a system, but if they redid NBA Jam, I would buy a gaming system.
9:09: Did they just play Stone Temple Pilots after Derek Rose’s attempt? Even more shocking? Kevin Harlan just referred to Devin Harris as an “emerging superstar”. I know Harlan is prone to hyperbole, but I would have gone with, “Jay-Z’s only enticement in 2010 if the Brooklyn arena falls through.” (I just got a new laptop and apparently Jay-Z isn’t a spelling error in the new MS Word. You know you’ve made it when that happens. Like you honestly care about this.)
9:14: Reggie just referred to Fratello as the biggest flip-flopper since John McCain. I’m not prepared to live in a world where Reggie Miller is making political jokes (though I’m not sure that McCain has ever been accused of flip-flopping. Wasn’t that John Kerry?).
9:17: After Derek Rose won the contest, Harlan’s response was, “What is Dwyane Wade wearing tonight?” If a man who works with Craig Sager is calling out someone’s dressing, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that we’re dangerously close to this All Star Weekend’s defining moment being everyone asking, “Has D Weezy lost his damn mind?” (We’ll also look back and laugh that Lil’ Wayne was the hottest dude in music at the time. If you had told me when I was a high school senior that someone from the Hot Boyz that wasn’t Juvenile was going to be in everyone’s remix in 2009 I would have looked at you very confusedly. As late as 2005 I laughed at King Bunt’s assessment that Weezy was hot. I later had to concede, “Good looking out on the head’s up on The Carter.” If you can’t tell, I’m trying to find something to write about something that diverts me from 1000 words about how Gatorade used to do commercials with Jordan and are now doing ones with contestants from a dancing group show on MTV.)
9:26: After making a comment on the state of music today, TNT comes back from a commercial with a song where I’m still trying to figure out if the artist is black or Asian. So maybe you should just disregard that note from 9:17.
9:29: I could watch Larry Bird’s 3 Point Contests all day. They just showed his 86 contest. Remember when superstars competed in All Star Saturday Night? Vince Carter’s hype for the dunk contest in Oakland? Multiply that by about a thousand if LeBron entered the contest. There is absolutely nothing that would surprise me if Bron tried it. My guess would be that he does a dunk from a step behind the free throw line to up Jordan. The fact that I’m actually thinking about how much I would lose my mind if this actually happened. So there you go, a blog devoted to drinking stories and Ron Artest is calling you out LeBron.
9:37: Kenny says that Daquan Cook isn’t ready for the lights and cameras. Wasn’t he in the NCAA national championship game with THE Ohio State University? I’m now calling out Kenny Smith’s fact checking. If I had more than 5 readers, this might get somewhere.
9:41: I’m a Jack guy, but I have to say, Jim Beam’s “The Girlfriend” commercial is fantastic.
9:43: Gary Payton is on TNT’s website wearing a t-shirt. Why is anyone surprised by the fact that Payton is a fantastic analyst? I could have told you this in 1996.
9:46: Reggie called out Roger Mason’s ashiness, saying he needs Jergens. .
9:47: Reggie just called out Ben Howland’s dedication to shooting. If you wonder why I’m drinking alone on Valentine’s it might be the fact that not only do I pick up on these references, I’m actually entertained by them.
9:49: D Weeazy is wearing a white suit with red glasses. This has to be the first time in history that an NBA player takes fashion sense from a proposed cabinet member (Yes, that was a Tom Daschle reference. And you’re wondering why you read my blog. Because where else can you go from conjuring up Big’s ashy to classy to political humor? Only on The Barney Show.)
9:56: Shaq’s suit is apparently “Everlasting Cactus Green”. Wade has a bandaid on his face and is doing a Kanye/Nelly hybrid. Honestly, this weekend will be known for the ridiculous Wade outfit.
10:01: This is wear we’re missing Chuck. Because he would be going to town on his Fav Five’s outfit.
10:02: And D-Weezy’s band aid says, “WADE”. If this wasn’t the story of the weekend, this fact just did it.
10:07: I’m not going to lie, I’m a fan of this Kevin Rudolph song (though before this, I didn’t know his actual name. It was always that rock song that Weezy is featured on). If it comes on the radio, I will listen to it. Unfortunately, Lil’ Wayne wasn’t available. You’re telling me you couldn’t get a rapper to All Star Weekend? I find that unacceptable. If there’s further evidence that everything before the dunk contest is the pregame, it’s that I’ve apparently turned into US Weekly because I’m having more comments about fashion and rappers than actual athletes.
10:11: I would have given you 6:1 odds that Nate Robinson started crowd surfing during his introduction. And I would have taken the Yes.
10:19: Fuck yes. They’re making references to Tom Chambers dunk over Mark Jackson. I can’t describe how excited this makes me because I was demanding this be mentioned as one of his qualifications to judge this. I need to get a life.
10:21: Wow, JR Smith has a lot of tats. I love that the Nuggets trade AI and still have the league tat lead.
10:23: Reason # 1,095 why I love All Star Weekend is that Ludicris is sitting next to Daryl Dawkins. 1,096 is that Kenny and Reggie made a reference to Martin and then immediately changed it up upon finding out that Martin died.
10:25: Reggie just called out LeBron. Howard did an ok dunk and just got a 50. I love Kenny Smith’s passion for the judging of this. Nice to know that I’m not the only one.
10:28: As we go to commercial, I’d like to note my favorite All Star moment, when McGrady threw it off the backboard to himself in 2002. Why? Because I stopped banging a chick to see the replay. If he ever makes the Hall of Fame, his plaque should say, “His play interrupted Barney’s intercourse”, because it’s not like that happens everyday. The me getting laid part is what I’m referring to.
10:31: Kenny insults all of Spain. I love this thing.
10:37: Kenny’s next beef? The people assisting on the dunk. And Nate Robinson did a ridiculous dunk. And then leaves the arena. Kenny seems to think that jumping on someone helps you. In fact, it hurts you because it’s an anti-trampoline. Instead of bouncing you, there’s a negative vertical effect. I’m glad I have an engineering degree so I can apply it to dunk contests. There’s a reason it cost an eighth of a million dollars.
10:40: Dwight Howard owns this competition. In the words of Maximus, he’s won the crowd. I am entertained.
10:43: I think everyone has the same reaction as me. Did that just happen? Was it that easy for a human to dunk at 12 feet? I don’t think we’ve had a mix of awe and disappointment at the same time.
10:44: I think that this is just a set up and Howard is just going to do all his final dunks at 12. Which would completely blow my mind. To copy a business phrase, he would shift the paradigm of the dunk contest. If he pulls off a windmill on a 12 foot rim, that’s it, it’s over. There will be no one who beats that (secretly wishing LeBron takes the challenge and then realizing that his true skill is running through linebackers in
10:47: And Nate just changed into green and put his kryptonite on. And Kevin Harlan just coined the “Kryptonite Dance”.
10:48: LeBron just said he was in the dunk contest. Honestly, I’m not ready to process it.
10:50: OH MY GOD. In the words of Reggie Miller, “This is not fair.”
10:52: Nate just did his thing. It’s 2009. Every hot rapper except for Jeezzy is on the same song at the Grammys, dunk contestants are helping each other. Global collaboration is happening.
10:53: LeBron just put his name in the dunk contest. President’s Weekend is locked in 2010. And it’s in Dallas? My daughter’s 4th birthday just became a week vacation.
10:55: Ehh…as Kenny said, “Michael did it without the off hand.”
10:58: Nate won it, and he deserved it. Howard’s last dunk was doo doo. His first dunk in the finals was ridiculous and as I said earlier, he should have done everything at 12 feet. That’s it, I’m quitting my job at IT consultant, I’m going to be an NBA
Dunk Contest judge.
11:01: Does Nate really think God cares who wins a slam dunk contest? We’ve reached the limit of ridiculous thanking.
11:08: Ok, that’s the night. The countdown to Dallas 2010 begins.
Monday, February 9, 2009
LA Has the 2003 Draft on Lock
LA was covering the Wizards-Nuggets game on Friday night and had an encounter with Carmelo Anthony that’s worth mentioning. I’ll let her tell it:
“You’ll never guess who commented on my chest. Melo. He grabbed my arm, gave me the up and down, and goes, ‘Damn girl, those are niiiiice.’”
Since she’s already gotten Lebron (http://thebarneyshow.blogspot.com/2008/04/i-got-story-to-tell.html) I think it’s fair to say she has the 2003 draft locked down. Dwyane Wade, you’re up next (though I must admit, Darko hitting on her would be about 2,000 times funnier.)
Of course, she had a shitty reaction and just smiled, said then walked away. As we always do here, we’ll try and come up with some better reactions.
“Sorry, I’m not your type. I snitch.”
“You’re god damn right. I’m glad they taught you something at Syracuse.”
“Umm…you’re from Baltimore. Who knows what diseases you have.”
“Ok, just as long as you have some of that good stuff in your backpack.”
If you have some good ones leave them in the comments.
“You’ll never guess who commented on my chest. Melo. He grabbed my arm, gave me the up and down, and goes, ‘Damn girl, those are niiiiice.’”
Since she’s already gotten Lebron (http://thebarneyshow.blogspot.com/2008/04/i-got-story-to-tell.html) I think it’s fair to say she has the 2003 draft locked down. Dwyane Wade, you’re up next (though I must admit, Darko hitting on her would be about 2,000 times funnier.)
Of course, she had a shitty reaction and just smiled, said then walked away. As we always do here, we’ll try and come up with some better reactions.
“Sorry, I’m not your type. I snitch.”
“You’re god damn right. I’m glad they taught you something at Syracuse.”
“Umm…you’re from Baltimore. Who knows what diseases you have.”
“Ok, just as long as you have some of that good stuff in your backpack.”
If you have some good ones leave them in the comments.
Texas Toast
And we’re back with another exciting episode where your protagonist travels to the Midwest with comical results. Last time we did Kanye quotes based on the release of his new album. Except, I didn’t include any quotes from that album. In the immortal words of Bill Walton, “That’s terrrrrible.” Also, I had a layover at O’Hare, so I spent 20 minutes in the ‘Go for this trip (though if you think I went outside on a morning in February you have to be out of your mind.) So this time, all quotes come from 808s and Heartbreak. Let’s get it started.
“You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things.” - Paranoid
Let’s start with something that didn’t happen but would have been hilarious. For my birthday, my baby momma wanted to get me tickets for me and my daughter to some sort of Texas dance off. Now, traditionally, I wouldn’t do anything that involved dancing in the slightest amount, but hey, now I have a blog to worry about. So this was what went on in my head: Baby Momma: “So I was thinking of getting you tickets to go with your daughter to go dancing the Friday before her birthday. Is that something you’d be interested in?”
Barney: (What the fuck? Dancing? Wait, this would be hilarious. Can you imagine how ridiculous going dancing with a bunch of Texans would be like? I can’t even imagine the possibilities.) “Yeah, we can do that. You know if she wants to.”Unfortunately, she didn’t want to, so this idea was nixed. Too bad. This quote was also selected because it was the only one I could ever see myself drunk dancing to. Just in case you were interested (which I highly doubt).
“Dad cracked a joke all the kids laughed, but I couldn’t hear them all the way in first class.” - Welcome to Heartbreak
Well there has been one positive of the recession we’re in now: there is absolutely no one on airlines. On both my trips down and back, I had an entire row to myself. What are the benefits to you the reader? You get a Texas Toast sooner because I can start writing it on the plane and not be worried that the person will report me.
By the way, is this the most ridiculous line ever? I think this is a good song, but am I supposed to feel bad for Kanye in this case? Oh no, you’re missing out on some family friendly comedy in first class. I guess you’ll just have to drown you pain in the free booze up there. Give me a break (the rest of the song is good though, I swear).
“It’s amazing, so amazing, so amazing.” - Amazing
This quote goes out to the Eagle, which if some older man who prefers to go by the name of “Pops” is to be believed. On Friday, the local library was having an event for kids to teach them about eagles. Of course I got dragged into this, so I’m sitting there with my daughter at this completely ridiculous learning experience. Pops sole knowledge about eagles seemed to know that he knew how Indians captured eagle feathers (Yes, they were referred to as Indians continuously. I’m guessing PC hasn’t broken out in Texas yet. Not that I’m offended by that, but I do feel that in today’s world if you’re going to be insulting, at least don’t confuse me. A simple “Red Dot” or “Feather” in front will suffice. I encourage this language, but please be more offensive for clarification purposes.) Sorry, there was another thing we learned. If you’re ever lost in the woods, hold up a red bandana and wait for park rangers to save you. I’m guessing all park rangers are Bloods then. Because what if one is a Crip? Will they still save you? Or just shank you? These are the things I think about while at library functions for three year olds.
All of this eagle stuff was apparently in promotion for this weekends “Eagle Fest”. I did not know that I was in the “Eagle Capital of Texas” and this weekend they were celebrating it. It was a big deal because I casually mentioned this to someone and they were like, “Oh yeah, it is Eagle Fest Weekend”. I have nothing left to add except to note that I’m glad the West End’s civic events kick East Texas event’s ass. A day devoted to binge drinking is far superior to getting in a boat and looking for eagles.
I also got to experience a public library in Texas. Let’s just say I might not make fun of Vince Young as much. To borrow a phrase I used for the training program for new employees, “I’m not going to spoon feed them information, but what they had before wasn’t really food and it was just thrown on the floor and they were given a plastice spork.” Their technology section had a grand total of 6 books. And I’m fairly certain none of them were written in the past 10 years. But they did have the new Joan Rivers book prominently displayed. I’m glad Texas has its educational priorities firmly in place.
“You spoiled little LA girl.” – RoboCop
This one goes out to one of my family members who feels it necessary to buy random ass shit for my daughter all the time. Seriously, my daughter doesn’t need a power wheels. That’s one thing. But don’t call me and ask me if I think it’s a good idea, when I say no, she has enough stuff, then go and call my baby mama and put the idea in her head. So if that someone calls me in the next day or so and I tell them to go fuck themselves and that paying out my ass in child support entitles me to make parental decisions, I’ll only take partial responsibility for my actions. Just know they have it coming and some people need to be reminded who they’re related to. And if not then fuck them.
“Standing at my podium, I’m tryna watch my sodium, die of high blood pressure, I’d rather let the feds catch me.” - Amazing
Moving on from that and back into the making fun of Texas portion of our show, after the enthralling trip to the library, we went for lunch at a diner. It had the essentials on each table: salt, pepper, ketchup, butter. Let me repeat, each table had a bottle of Parkay butter. I’m not sure what for since nothing I saw on the menu would require butter for it. Burgers, hot dogs and fries do not require the addition of butter. At least not in my world. I’m gathering the law friendly Texans would have no problem getting caught by the Feds. Young Jeezy, they are not.
“If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet.”
Wait, this isn’t a Kanye song? Oh, sorry, this is just seared into my brain, complete with the kicking of the back of my seat. My daughter is into her kids song phase, and I was only given one CD, so not only did I have to have annoying kids songs played all weekend, it was the same 13 songs on repeat. So what did I get her for her birthday? That’s right, a CD player with headphones. She can listen to that shit on her own now. Of course, since it’s my luck, her birthday was on the last day I was there, so I won’t get to realize this benefit this until the next time I see her. And I give it 2:1 odds that by that time, she’s broken it.
“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
This quote goes out to the cows of Texas. Because apparently, flashing lights are just a moment, not those of an oncoming car. I had to stop and wait 5 minutes for cows to pass through a dirt road for me to go. If you think I’m getting out of the car to move those things, you don’t know me. There was about 3 seconds where I considered it, but I reconsidered after thinking about what would happen if one of these got angry and charged at me. I distinctly remember the phrase, “I ain’t going out like that,” going through my head, and thinking how embarrassing it would be to have my friends coming up to my casket to mourn me while secretly thinking, “Damn, Barnes went out cause of an angry bull. What a bitch ass.” So 5 minutes were a fair exchange for not having people laughing at my funeral. Not that they won’t, but that’s one thing they won’t be laughing at. You still have an opportunity to laugh at how the funeral director addresses the first death by exploding liver or the suit choice my parents will most likely make for me (Please don’t let my dad make this decision. Nor should J-Man be involved in any way either. I’m not wearing a sock tie for eternity.)
“Who knew she was a drama queen, that would turn my life to Stephen King’s” - RoboCop
I’m not going to get into the details here, but just know that when someone told me they were going to Vegas in a month, my first thought was, “Weren’t you just telling me three months ago how money was tight and you needed some help?” I’m not a genius, but I don’t think broke motherfuckers go to the Strip, but what do I know?
“You think your shit don’t stink, but you are Mrs. Pee-Yew.” – See You in My Nightmare
Have you ever wondered how people handle their garbage in Middle of Nowhere, Texas? No, probably not a burning question in your life, is it. Well they don’t have garbage service, which bewildered me at first. Who doesn’t have garbage pick up? Even more disconcerting was what they do as an alternative…burn the garbage. Seriously, you go out back an burn that shit? That has to be the worst chore ever.
I also noticed that I haven’t seen a drain while out visiting my daughter. No wonder Texas is always getting flooded. Water doesn’t have anywhere to go.
It also raised another, more difficult question: Where do former high school basketball stars work? Because all the ones I grew up with work at the sanitation department. If there’s no garbage or drains does this mean they have to get actual jobs? I’ll follow up on this the next time I go down there.
“My daughter found Nemo, I’m tryna find Premo.”
Another pause from the Kanye trip to interject some Common. I watched Finding Nemo this weekend with my daughter and had this going through my head the entire time. Well, if you don’t count the time I was answering questions from my daughter. A little advice, don’t start a movie in the middle with a three year old. You’ll be answering plot questions for the remainder of it. Just find another movie that’s starting.
“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
Yeah, I know I used this before, but I couldn’t think of anything else to use. My flight down stopped in Dallas and was going on to Midland/Odessa. I had a strong urge to stay on and go see Mike Winchell, my daughter’s birthday be damned. But in the end, I bitched out of it.
Also related to this, the high school my baby momma went to is now the Texas state champs in football. This would mean a lot more to me if I had a son. I would be able to deal with a third world school system if it meant he played Texas high school football. I’m fairly certain their junior highs would pound my high school’s team. All I know is that our Sanitation Department would overwhelm them in basketball.
“Why would she make calls out the blue?” – Say You Will
Another fun part about having a 3 year old is watching television with them. On Friday we watched some program that I think was called GabbaGabba, but I’m not sure. The best way to describe this show would be that it would be the greatest show to watch when you’re tripping balls. In fact, you might not even need to be on any drugs to enjoy this one. It features a black guy in a spandex suit, but looks like the guy from the Humpty Hump video from the face up. There are robots, an orange cucumber with legs, and what looks like a purple Philly phanatic as main characters. Oh, and they just randomly cut to scenes of kids dancing. If I had the Noggin Network at home, I would be watching this whenever possible.
Anyway, this quote comes is because it reminds me of “Just a Friend”, because guess who’s on this show? That’s right, Biz Markie, who has a feature called, “Biz’s Beat of the Day. He has a nice big gold dookie chain as well. This just pushed this show over the top in children’s shows that are really entertaining for adults.
Alright, I think I covered all of the stuff I needed to. 2200 words. I think I got my Texas Toast mojo back. Hope you enjoyed.
“You worry about the wrong things, the wrong things.” - Paranoid
Let’s start with something that didn’t happen but would have been hilarious. For my birthday, my baby momma wanted to get me tickets for me and my daughter to some sort of Texas dance off. Now, traditionally, I wouldn’t do anything that involved dancing in the slightest amount, but hey, now I have a blog to worry about. So this was what went on in my head: Baby Momma: “So I was thinking of getting you tickets to go with your daughter to go dancing the Friday before her birthday. Is that something you’d be interested in?”
Barney: (What the fuck? Dancing? Wait, this would be hilarious. Can you imagine how ridiculous going dancing with a bunch of Texans would be like? I can’t even imagine the possibilities.) “Yeah, we can do that. You know if she wants to.”Unfortunately, she didn’t want to, so this idea was nixed. Too bad. This quote was also selected because it was the only one I could ever see myself drunk dancing to. Just in case you were interested (which I highly doubt).
“Dad cracked a joke all the kids laughed, but I couldn’t hear them all the way in first class.” - Welcome to Heartbreak
Well there has been one positive of the recession we’re in now: there is absolutely no one on airlines. On both my trips down and back, I had an entire row to myself. What are the benefits to you the reader? You get a Texas Toast sooner because I can start writing it on the plane and not be worried that the person will report me.
By the way, is this the most ridiculous line ever? I think this is a good song, but am I supposed to feel bad for Kanye in this case? Oh no, you’re missing out on some family friendly comedy in first class. I guess you’ll just have to drown you pain in the free booze up there. Give me a break (the rest of the song is good though, I swear).
“It’s amazing, so amazing, so amazing.” - Amazing
This quote goes out to the Eagle, which if some older man who prefers to go by the name of “Pops” is to be believed. On Friday, the local library was having an event for kids to teach them about eagles. Of course I got dragged into this, so I’m sitting there with my daughter at this completely ridiculous learning experience. Pops sole knowledge about eagles seemed to know that he knew how Indians captured eagle feathers (Yes, they were referred to as Indians continuously. I’m guessing PC hasn’t broken out in Texas yet. Not that I’m offended by that, but I do feel that in today’s world if you’re going to be insulting, at least don’t confuse me. A simple “Red Dot” or “Feather” in front will suffice. I encourage this language, but please be more offensive for clarification purposes.) Sorry, there was another thing we learned. If you’re ever lost in the woods, hold up a red bandana and wait for park rangers to save you. I’m guessing all park rangers are Bloods then. Because what if one is a Crip? Will they still save you? Or just shank you? These are the things I think about while at library functions for three year olds.
All of this eagle stuff was apparently in promotion for this weekends “Eagle Fest”. I did not know that I was in the “Eagle Capital of Texas” and this weekend they were celebrating it. It was a big deal because I casually mentioned this to someone and they were like, “Oh yeah, it is Eagle Fest Weekend”. I have nothing left to add except to note that I’m glad the West End’s civic events kick East Texas event’s ass. A day devoted to binge drinking is far superior to getting in a boat and looking for eagles.
I also got to experience a public library in Texas. Let’s just say I might not make fun of Vince Young as much. To borrow a phrase I used for the training program for new employees, “I’m not going to spoon feed them information, but what they had before wasn’t really food and it was just thrown on the floor and they were given a plastice spork.” Their technology section had a grand total of 6 books. And I’m fairly certain none of them were written in the past 10 years. But they did have the new Joan Rivers book prominently displayed. I’m glad Texas has its educational priorities firmly in place.
“You spoiled little LA girl.” – RoboCop
This one goes out to one of my family members who feels it necessary to buy random ass shit for my daughter all the time. Seriously, my daughter doesn’t need a power wheels. That’s one thing. But don’t call me and ask me if I think it’s a good idea, when I say no, she has enough stuff, then go and call my baby mama and put the idea in her head. So if that someone calls me in the next day or so and I tell them to go fuck themselves and that paying out my ass in child support entitles me to make parental decisions, I’ll only take partial responsibility for my actions. Just know they have it coming and some people need to be reminded who they’re related to. And if not then fuck them.
“Standing at my podium, I’m tryna watch my sodium, die of high blood pressure, I’d rather let the feds catch me.” - Amazing
Moving on from that and back into the making fun of Texas portion of our show, after the enthralling trip to the library, we went for lunch at a diner. It had the essentials on each table: salt, pepper, ketchup, butter. Let me repeat, each table had a bottle of Parkay butter. I’m not sure what for since nothing I saw on the menu would require butter for it. Burgers, hot dogs and fries do not require the addition of butter. At least not in my world. I’m gathering the law friendly Texans would have no problem getting caught by the Feds. Young Jeezy, they are not.
“If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet.”
Wait, this isn’t a Kanye song? Oh, sorry, this is just seared into my brain, complete with the kicking of the back of my seat. My daughter is into her kids song phase, and I was only given one CD, so not only did I have to have annoying kids songs played all weekend, it was the same 13 songs on repeat. So what did I get her for her birthday? That’s right, a CD player with headphones. She can listen to that shit on her own now. Of course, since it’s my luck, her birthday was on the last day I was there, so I won’t get to realize this benefit this until the next time I see her. And I give it 2:1 odds that by that time, she’s broken it.
“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
This quote goes out to the cows of Texas. Because apparently, flashing lights are just a moment, not those of an oncoming car. I had to stop and wait 5 minutes for cows to pass through a dirt road for me to go. If you think I’m getting out of the car to move those things, you don’t know me. There was about 3 seconds where I considered it, but I reconsidered after thinking about what would happen if one of these got angry and charged at me. I distinctly remember the phrase, “I ain’t going out like that,” going through my head, and thinking how embarrassing it would be to have my friends coming up to my casket to mourn me while secretly thinking, “Damn, Barnes went out cause of an angry bull. What a bitch ass.” So 5 minutes were a fair exchange for not having people laughing at my funeral. Not that they won’t, but that’s one thing they won’t be laughing at. You still have an opportunity to laugh at how the funeral director addresses the first death by exploding liver or the suit choice my parents will most likely make for me (Please don’t let my dad make this decision. Nor should J-Man be involved in any way either. I’m not wearing a sock tie for eternity.)
“Who knew she was a drama queen, that would turn my life to Stephen King’s” - RoboCop
I’m not going to get into the details here, but just know that when someone told me they were going to Vegas in a month, my first thought was, “Weren’t you just telling me three months ago how money was tight and you needed some help?” I’m not a genius, but I don’t think broke motherfuckers go to the Strip, but what do I know?
“You think your shit don’t stink, but you are Mrs. Pee-Yew.” – See You in My Nightmare
Have you ever wondered how people handle their garbage in Middle of Nowhere, Texas? No, probably not a burning question in your life, is it. Well they don’t have garbage service, which bewildered me at first. Who doesn’t have garbage pick up? Even more disconcerting was what they do as an alternative…burn the garbage. Seriously, you go out back an burn that shit? That has to be the worst chore ever.
I also noticed that I haven’t seen a drain while out visiting my daughter. No wonder Texas is always getting flooded. Water doesn’t have anywhere to go.
It also raised another, more difficult question: Where do former high school basketball stars work? Because all the ones I grew up with work at the sanitation department. If there’s no garbage or drains does this mean they have to get actual jobs? I’ll follow up on this the next time I go down there.
“My daughter found Nemo, I’m tryna find Premo.”
Another pause from the Kanye trip to interject some Common. I watched Finding Nemo this weekend with my daughter and had this going through my head the entire time. Well, if you don’t count the time I was answering questions from my daughter. A little advice, don’t start a movie in the middle with a three year old. You’ll be answering plot questions for the remainder of it. Just find another movie that’s starting.
“Seems like, street lights, glowing, happen to be just like moments, passing in front of me…” – Street Lights
Yeah, I know I used this before, but I couldn’t think of anything else to use. My flight down stopped in Dallas and was going on to Midland/Odessa. I had a strong urge to stay on and go see Mike Winchell, my daughter’s birthday be damned. But in the end, I bitched out of it.
Also related to this, the high school my baby momma went to is now the Texas state champs in football. This would mean a lot more to me if I had a son. I would be able to deal with a third world school system if it meant he played Texas high school football. I’m fairly certain their junior highs would pound my high school’s team. All I know is that our Sanitation Department would overwhelm them in basketball.
“Why would she make calls out the blue?” – Say You Will
Another fun part about having a 3 year old is watching television with them. On Friday we watched some program that I think was called GabbaGabba, but I’m not sure. The best way to describe this show would be that it would be the greatest show to watch when you’re tripping balls. In fact, you might not even need to be on any drugs to enjoy this one. It features a black guy in a spandex suit, but looks like the guy from the Humpty Hump video from the face up. There are robots, an orange cucumber with legs, and what looks like a purple Philly phanatic as main characters. Oh, and they just randomly cut to scenes of kids dancing. If I had the Noggin Network at home, I would be watching this whenever possible.
Anyway, this quote comes is because it reminds me of “Just a Friend”, because guess who’s on this show? That’s right, Biz Markie, who has a feature called, “Biz’s Beat of the Day. He has a nice big gold dookie chain as well. This just pushed this show over the top in children’s shows that are really entertaining for adults.
Alright, I think I covered all of the stuff I needed to. 2200 words. I think I got my Texas Toast mojo back. Hope you enjoyed.
"Hooray!" - Liver
Well this may come as a major surprise to everyone, but guess how much I’ve drank since January 4th? No, not 5 gallons. 375 mL of Jack. That’s it. In fact, 33 f those 3 days I did not touch a drop of alcohol. Hard to believe, I know, but it’s true. I had one relapse in that time and it was just one pint of Jack (You would think that I would spring for a really nice bottle to break my streak, but no, I didn’t. I have no idea why either).
So what have we learned from this period of dryness?
I might, just might, have a bit of an addictive personality
Even though I’ve quit drinking, it’s not like I’ve returned to a normal lifestyle. Nope, I’ve just changed the drug. Instead of drinking half a liter of whiskey a night, I now workout two hours a day. Sometimes more. This past weekend, I ran 10 miles and biked 30, plus did 90 minutes on the elliptical (Yes, I do the elliptical. You can call me gay if you want. But you try running every day with a bad back and the fact that everything from your knees down is equivalent to a 50 year old.) and lifted for two hours.
Remember High School Barney. The one who would go lift on Friday nights and come home from practice and go ref two basketball games? Yeah, he’s back.
Not that this is any better from a strictly psychological point of view (if I don’t work out now, I feel like my day isn’t complete and I can’t fall asleep, and its not like running is more of a social activity than drinking), but I guess it is better from a physical health perspective. In another two to three month, people might not call bullshit when I tell them I once played college basketball (Wait, have I looked in the mirror lately? I don’t think I ever looked like a basketball player. So they’ll still think I’m full of it, but will most likely think I was that guy who really got into intramural games)
I had a hell of a birthday party
In what could best be described as foreshadowing, my Christening was so ridiculous that my godfather got so drunk he was hungover for two days and decided that was the end of the line and stopped drinking after that (we won’t mention how I’ve talked to him exactly once in the past 15 years). So my parties were booze filled from the start. My 26th birthday was no exception. What started off as Maker’s and coke on the LIRR progressed to shots and beers in the East Village, to beer pong in Hoboken and eventually, to me dancing with an extremely fat chick. Before we got to the fat chick though, there was some drama.
The details are sketchy in my mind, but at some point after being a shit talking winner on the beer pong table, J-Man decided that I was a drunkard and started throwing punches at me. Now I don’t object to the drunkard part, but with the sensitive condition of my head, I do object to random punches being thrown at me. Anyway, that got broken up before I concussed myself and J-Man left. 20 minutes later I get a call from my parents saying that J-Man is lost and someone called the house. Eventually, the cops pick him up and I have to convince some officers of the law that a guy with a BAC over 0.25 is responsible enough to take this retard (bonus points for it happening in the shadiest place possible, a public bus yard. If there was any place that was made for a Soprano’s hit, this was it.) J-Man was fine, he just slept it off and I think everything’s cool now.
I’m not saying this was the thing that got me to get my shit together, but it didn’t hurt.
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Speaking has never been one of my strong points, probably because I do it so infrequently while sober. However, I have to use verbal communication at work occasionally despite my quest to do everything via e-mail. Being the Drunkard that I am, this presented a problem. Not that the concussions helped anything, but there were definitely times where I was so hungover, complex sentences were not happening. My brain wasn’t working fast enough to get the words out in a pace that wouldn’t put people to sleep. If I knew I had to do something important for work, like give a presentation to 200 people, I would be sober for two or three nights before hand. This got me to a happy medium. Now, I’m at the other extreme in that my brain works too fast for my mouth. It’s already processing the next sentence before I’ve finished the one I’m talking about and sometimes I screw that sentence up. It’s like those workouts where people sprint with a parachute attached to them. Once they take that thing off, they must feel like they’re twice as fast.
If you’re going to Relapse, do it right
Note to self, don’t relapse when you’re exhausted and will just pass out immediately upon getting drunk. You won’t get to enjoy the drunk, but will be stuck with the hangover. The good thing is that I haven’t had a drink since then, so its not like I fell immediately back into my old ways.
I guess it would behoove me to explain the relapse (Another bonus of this is that my vocabulary is increasing exponentially. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word behoove in proper context), but not at this point. Just know that it was work related and I’m hoping to tie this together into a hilarious Barney story if everything works out ok.
So what have we learned from this period of dryness?
I might, just might, have a bit of an addictive personality
Even though I’ve quit drinking, it’s not like I’ve returned to a normal lifestyle. Nope, I’ve just changed the drug. Instead of drinking half a liter of whiskey a night, I now workout two hours a day. Sometimes more. This past weekend, I ran 10 miles and biked 30, plus did 90 minutes on the elliptical (Yes, I do the elliptical. You can call me gay if you want. But you try running every day with a bad back and the fact that everything from your knees down is equivalent to a 50 year old.) and lifted for two hours.
Remember High School Barney. The one who would go lift on Friday nights and come home from practice and go ref two basketball games? Yeah, he’s back.
Not that this is any better from a strictly psychological point of view (if I don’t work out now, I feel like my day isn’t complete and I can’t fall asleep, and its not like running is more of a social activity than drinking), but I guess it is better from a physical health perspective. In another two to three month, people might not call bullshit when I tell them I once played college basketball (Wait, have I looked in the mirror lately? I don’t think I ever looked like a basketball player. So they’ll still think I’m full of it, but will most likely think I was that guy who really got into intramural games)
I had a hell of a birthday party
In what could best be described as foreshadowing, my Christening was so ridiculous that my godfather got so drunk he was hungover for two days and decided that was the end of the line and stopped drinking after that (we won’t mention how I’ve talked to him exactly once in the past 15 years). So my parties were booze filled from the start. My 26th birthday was no exception. What started off as Maker’s and coke on the LIRR progressed to shots and beers in the East Village, to beer pong in Hoboken and eventually, to me dancing with an extremely fat chick. Before we got to the fat chick though, there was some drama.
The details are sketchy in my mind, but at some point after being a shit talking winner on the beer pong table, J-Man decided that I was a drunkard and started throwing punches at me. Now I don’t object to the drunkard part, but with the sensitive condition of my head, I do object to random punches being thrown at me. Anyway, that got broken up before I concussed myself and J-Man left. 20 minutes later I get a call from my parents saying that J-Man is lost and someone called the house. Eventually, the cops pick him up and I have to convince some officers of the law that a guy with a BAC over 0.25 is responsible enough to take this retard (bonus points for it happening in the shadiest place possible, a public bus yard. If there was any place that was made for a Soprano’s hit, this was it.) J-Man was fine, he just slept it off and I think everything’s cool now.
I’m not saying this was the thing that got me to get my shit together, but it didn’t hurt.
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.
Speaking has never been one of my strong points, probably because I do it so infrequently while sober. However, I have to use verbal communication at work occasionally despite my quest to do everything via e-mail. Being the Drunkard that I am, this presented a problem. Not that the concussions helped anything, but there were definitely times where I was so hungover, complex sentences were not happening. My brain wasn’t working fast enough to get the words out in a pace that wouldn’t put people to sleep. If I knew I had to do something important for work, like give a presentation to 200 people, I would be sober for two or three nights before hand. This got me to a happy medium. Now, I’m at the other extreme in that my brain works too fast for my mouth. It’s already processing the next sentence before I’ve finished the one I’m talking about and sometimes I screw that sentence up. It’s like those workouts where people sprint with a parachute attached to them. Once they take that thing off, they must feel like they’re twice as fast.
If you’re going to Relapse, do it right
Note to self, don’t relapse when you’re exhausted and will just pass out immediately upon getting drunk. You won’t get to enjoy the drunk, but will be stuck with the hangover. The good thing is that I haven’t had a drink since then, so its not like I fell immediately back into my old ways.
I guess it would behoove me to explain the relapse (Another bonus of this is that my vocabulary is increasing exponentially. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word behoove in proper context), but not at this point. Just know that it was work related and I’m hoping to tie this together into a hilarious Barney story if everything works out ok.
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