If September wasn’t my work month from hell, we would be cuing up “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” right about now. The oppressive heat and humidity are clearing. The tourists have gone home. Oh, and football’s starting. So without further ado, I present to you the internet’s least informed football preview. In fact, I’m not even messing with doing separate college and pro previews. We’re doing this in one shot, twenty questions style. One for each BCS League, one for each NFL division and then six additional random questions. Press on dear reader, there might actually be one useful football related observation. And if there is one, here’s my disclaimer that you’re a full fledged retard if you use information from someone who is nicknamed after a purple dinosaur for gambling purposes. Please note: All college questions were done prior to last Saturday. I have not adjusted anything with regards to the Big 12 for posterity purposes even though it makes my point got a huge endorsement this past weekend.
ACC
Remember when Miami-Florida State on Labor Day would have been the highlight of your weekend?
Yup, reason number 2,397 I feel old. Now, I’d be more interested in an alumni game before the actual one. While I’d love to see Deion covering Michael Irvin, I would positively be thrilled to see the Chris Wienke/Vinny Testeverde matchup (In the immortal words of Nasty Nate, “How ‘bout this matchup?”). I’m not kidding.
The Pick: Florida State because I’m a sucker for schools on probation. Plus I now have to root against Virginia Tech since their alumni disowned Ookie.
Big 10
Can you relate the Big 10 to a Homer Simpson philosophy?
I sure can (If you couldn’t tell by the title of this episode, this will be the football preview that uses the most Simpsons references by far). To paraphrase the immortal Max Powers, there are three ways a conference can play football: the right way, the wrong way and the Big 10 way. But isn’t that the wrong way, you say? Yes, but slower.
(The Max Power line is like a fine wine in that it gets better with age. I feel I’m using that more and more as time goes on.)
The Pick, aka which team wins the right to shit the bed in January: I think Ohio State would win regardless (Pryor is the difference because of that remarkable 40 time which if you believe the time, is faster than Usain Bolt. Let’s just say I’m a little skeptical about anyone from THE Ohio State University operating a stop watch, never mind them operating it correctly. I see them getting all screwed up with the reset function and the university having a $40,000 budget every year for stop watches because they use them one time and throw them out), but there’s way too many Penn State alums down here and I don’t want to deal with that crap. /chugs bottle of haterade
Big 12
Why should I not pick Oklahoma?
Because Sam Bradford is an idiot and didn’t learn anything from Matt Leinhart. If you’re going to be the first pick in the draft, you come out no questions asked. You’ll remember this when a loss to Texas in Dallas ends up costing you $20 M. Is banging college freshman for six months really worth that much (plus don’t forget the child support ol Matty is picking up for that extra year)?
(Though some may argue it was worth $20 M not to go to Detroit. If so, then that is an acceptable answer.)
The Pick: Texas. Colt McCoy grew a hideous mustache this summer. That’s all I need.
Big East
I know the Big East is shitty. How can they get shittier?
Its pretty tough to top your BCS representative just joined your conference out of Conference USA. I say, go all the way and be out right terrible by bringing all the basketball schools in conference join I-A (I refuse to call it Bowl Subdivision or whatever the hell its called). Hello Georgetown. Welcome to the big time, Marquette. DePaul, do you even have a football program? These are mere details. We’ll do anything we can to get Syracuse to 3 wins.
The Pick: Do I have to? Ok, fine. Rutgers. If only so I can reflect back on the time we made a trip down there and Radio ended up passing out in some girl’s room. I asked if he got any when he woke up the next morning. He said he didn’t remember. Then the girl whose room he passed out in came in and said, “No he didn’t. He passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. Oh and he pissed on the floor.” She then proceeded to produce a picture of Radio face down on the floor with his pants down. Let’s just say that was a fun trip back to the Boken, even better when we got back and sent the picture out to everyone and their mom. (You won’t get this info in any other football preview out there, will you?)
But in actuality, no one wins when they have to watch the Big East play football. Except the bookies. They always win.
Pac 10
The Pac 10 comes on late Saturday night, and I’m usually too wasted to stay up and watch. Can you give me a reason to chug some Red Bull and Vodka to catch the games?
Oregon State is putting its star wide out Jacquizz Rodgersin the qb spot for some plays. And since every school has to incorporate their mascot into this offenses name, what do you get? That’s right, the Wild Beaver. Not just that, but the announcers will say, “Jacquizz in the Wild Beaver”. You can say it: I just made your Saturdays for the next few months. You’re welcome.
The Pick: Besides everyone if Oregon State runs this offense? Alright, I still don’t think anyone stops USC.
SEC
Is it possible that the SEC got even more entertaining?
Why yes it is. Let me answer that question with another question. Have you been monitoring what Lane Kiffin has been doing this off season? I won’t go into details (you can google it yourself) but it has been tremendous. Just get ready for next years road trip to Tennessee. We’re going to Lynchburg (for obvious reasons). Maybe Memphis, if only to start a petition that they erect a monument to the Triple 6’s Oscar. And definitely Knoxville to see the Sun Sphere (and get some sweet discounts on wigs) and watch a Lane Kiffin practice.
The Pick: I think you have to go with Florida. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a national champ returning its top 22 on one side of the ball. It will be interesting when the nation turns on Tim Tebow through no real fault of their own, but out of sheer media over saturation. When it does, he and Tyler Hansborough should start a support group.
AFC East
If the coaches of the AFC East were playing a game of Clue, what would be their preferred method of killing people?
Belichick: The knife. He would walk up to you casually, smile, then stick it in. And he would hold you up against a wall and watch the life drip out of you. And it would conveniently be next to a security camera. But oh no, that’s not going to get you justice. That’s Ol’ Billy Boy’s camera.
Sporano: Him and Parcells would have a meeting about this at a fancy restaurant to discuss. They’d settle on the car bomb once they got to dessert, and then go back to considering how to incorporate Pat White into their offense. (Note: I don’t think car bombs are in Clue.
Rex Ryan: Louisville slugger. Kids today use that aluminum crap. Rex is old school like that.
Juaron: He’d send JP Losman to kill you with a spork.
The Pick: From that last one, you can tell who I pick to finish last. Kind of hard to not go against the Pats.
AFC North
I’m preparing to do a modern remake of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. Would I be able to do all my casting in the AFC North? You sure could. Here’s your first seven calls to make:Rapey: Ben Roethlisberger
Stabby: Ray Lewis
Flabby: Andre Smith
Punchy: James Harrison
Droppy: Braylon Edwards (though Limas Sweed is all set to step in if Braylon declines)
Hairy: Joe Flacco’s Eyebrow (Not Joe Flacco, just his eyebrow. The best part of this would be the opening credits when they say, “And Introducing – Joe Flacco’s Eyebrow”)
Doc: Scariest words you can here in a hospital? Paging Doctor OchoCinco. Paging Doctor OchoCinco. Please report to emergency surgery.
Don’t start thinking about this unless you have some time on your hands. Because I spent like 30 minutes going through more variations. In fact, I was able to come up with a cast made up entirely of recent Tennessee Titans. Let’s go with that:Drinky: Kerry Collins
Stompy: Albert Haynesworth
Rainy: Pacman Jones
Tubby: Lendale White
Holey: Steve McNair (What? Too soon?)
Itchy: Jeff Fischer’s Mustache
Doc: Vince Young (Imagine VY coming into your room to see how you were doing. First off, he has to come in without a shirt on. Then he reads your charts upside down. Finally, when he tells you that you have cancer, the conversation ends with you telling him he has everything to live for. This might be scarier than OchoCinco doing surgery…and twittering at the same time.)
The Pick: Baltimore. Ray Rice looks to add a reason to actually watch Baltimore’s offense this year. That’ll be enough to put them over Pittsburgh. (Wait a second. Was that? Yes, I think it was. Actual football analysis.)
AFC South
Could you think of a more boring division?
Not only do three teams reside in the three blandest locales in the league, but these teams have the collective Barney Show ranking of negative 47. Since Matt Jones (Who? Matt Jones) left Jacksonville, has anyone in this division gotten arrested? Where’s the fun in that? Don’t these players know they’re in the NFL now and getting arrested triggers a bonus? Vince Young is carrying this division.
The pick: Tennessee. Indy falls back a bit now that Dungy has left to do more important things like resurrecting Ookie’s career. You’re doing the Barney Show’s work now Tony. Also, Houston is a chic pick this year. Just remember they’re one play away from Rex Grossman entering the game.
AFC West
Has there ever been a worse collection of coaches in one division than the AFC West this year?
Josh McDaniels has gone out of his way to irritate Denver fans. If he was a diplomat, we would be in a nuclear war with North Korea right now to gain back those two idiot reporters who thought it was a good idea to go wandering into North Korea (I can’t wait to read this again in January to see how wrong I was and saying, “Wow. That joke just did not stand the test of time.”) Todd Haley might be the biggest prick I’ve ever seen. Tom Cable has turned meetings into Fight Club. When Norv Turner is clearly the best coach in your division, you have problem.
The Pick: I think this one answers itself by the above paragraph: San Diego.
NFC East
Which group of fans will I hate the least this year?Well, the Giants have a movie coming out how pathetic the lives of one of their fans is. Cowboys fans have the world’s most expensive stadium so you know they’ll be extra pretentious this year (Everything’s bigger in Texas. Go fuck yourself you stupid city). Washington fans are more concerned about who is the 3rd string quarterback than the fact that their offensive line sucks. And Eagles fans cheered Ookie. Well, that was easy. “Fly, Eagles, Fly.”
The Pick: Eagles. While the Giants do have great line play, I think I could get some run for them at wide out. I would punch out Santa Claus in front of my daughter, rip off his beard and then call him a fraud to have McNabb get hurt and Vick lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl. The collective media shit storm would be awesome.
NFC North
If you were at a college party, which guys would the quarterbacks of the NFC North be? And could you rank them in order which you would most likely want to fight them?
Aaron Rodgers – He’d be that senior who really never let loose his first three years in college and is now trying to make it all up last semester. You kind of know him (Note: I repeatedly called Aaron Rodgers “Aaron Brooks” multiple times this summer. What is it with me and getting QB’s in green uniforms wrong). You want him to get drunk, maybe get laid. But there’s always the chance he’ll go a little too far and next thing you know, he’s peeing off a balcony. And that’s when you need to check him. You really don’t want to, but you have to out of general principle.
Matthew Stafford: Stafford would be the freshman who has a sick car and a girlfriend who is still in high school that is ridiculously hot who came up to visit for the weekend. He shows up to the party and gets a little too drunk. Starts running his mouth a bit. You realize he’s kind of a prick, but he hasn’t done anything that would justify knocking him out. So after he gets a bit too drunk after trying to hang with upper classmen in beer pong, you start trying to nail his girlfriend, statutory charges be damned. (Note: I think this was O’s MO at every party we had)
Brett Favre: He’d be the alum who comes back for a weekend. At first, everything is cool. He’s buying your broke asses premium shots. Telling some good stories of his parties back in the day. Then he starts making snide remarks about your monetary situation when buying drinks. And then he starts flirting with your girlfriend and telling he how much of a big shot he is at his company. And when the fists are about to fly, he leaves the bar saying he has better places to be. But what you didn’t know is that he got your girlfriends number and will be calling her in 30 minutes.
Jay Cutler: Definitely has a popped collar. Bitching about how the Hamptons were too crowded this summer. Basically, he’d be hanging out in Georgetown (I’ve been away from NY too long to know what the equivalent is now). And the one time I spent more than 30 minutes in Georgetown, I was asking Matty Ice to pick out random people and I ripped on them. And then had to be separated from someone who didn’t even say anything to me.
For the record, Dante Culpepper would be the one I most want to party with. And that’s not out of NFC North quarterbacks. That might be out of anyone in the world. Boat Party!
The pick: I guess Green Bay, just so I don’t have to root for Cutlerfucker or Favre.
NFC South
The NFC South looks like a balanced division. Can you give me one reason why each team can and one reason why they won’t win the division?
Sure, why not. It’s not like I have anything better to go with.
Atlanta:
Why they can win: Tony Gonzalez joins Matt Ryan and Michael Turner to make the Falcons one of the most exciting offenses in the league.
Why they won’t win: Matt Ryan is on the verge of being on of the best Irish Catholic athletes I can remember and he goes and fucks it up by calling himself “Matty Ice” (Looks self in the mirror. Suddenly looking like a black pot).
Carolina: Why the can win: They have one of the league’s best rushing tandems and Julius Peppers returns with the franchise tag. And Steve Smith is still a bad man.
Why they won’t win: Jake F’ing Delohomme
New Orleans:
Why they can win: Drew Brees and that passing attack will keep them in any game (Don’t you like how these first sentences of each team sound like an actual sportswriter?)
Why they won’t win: Sean Payton spent his off season writing a screenplay about a kid who gains the power to control NFL games through Madden. I’m not making that up. That’s what he did with his free time.
Tampa Bay: Raheem Morris brings a fresh face to South Florida. Aww, who am I kidding. Tampa is going to suck.
The Pick: If you can’t tell, I’m a little on the fence here. I guess Atlanta. A Philly-Atlanta conference championship would be filled with Ookie goodness.
NFC West
Why should I watch this division?I have no good answer to that. My advice if you have to watch an NFC West game: Make it a Cardinals game, get hammered, and anytime Chris Wells gets a carry crank that Beanie Siegel song where the hook just goes “BEANIE, Siegel was the name that the gave me.” Call him the Broadstreet Bully when he scores a touchdown. In fact, make all the Cardinals members of State Property. Kurt Warner has a beard. So does Freeway. Get creative. Then put “Roc the Mic”, take your shirt off and do the Dam Dash dance. Now there’s a fun Sunday.
The Pick: Do I have to? Ok, fine San Francisco.
Reader: OK, thank God. He’s gotten through 14 of these questions. Only 6 more to go.
Barney: We’re only just getting started. Six more “wild card” questions. Gimmicky!
What was the most overblown story of the offseason?
It was tough to beat the Brett Favre shit show (And yes, I’m waiting for the Jets to file tampering charges. Do you think Favre asks out if Minnesota hasn’t called him? One 2nd round pick please Mr. Goddell), but it got eclipsed the first night of the season (Ok, I know it technically isn’t the off season. But give me a break). Blount throws one punch, spends the next day all over the 24 hour news cycle and then gets suspended for a year. First off, it was one punch. Second, I’d at least like to hear what was said to provoke him. Would he have been suspended if something racist was said? I’d at least like to hear that before the University of Oregon caved like the hippies that they are.
Maybe I’m just immune to it. I was at the bar when his suspension got announced and someone said, “Punching? What is this, the NBA?” Touche my friend, touché.
Any J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets thoughts?
Of course. I have to say, I could not be more thrilled with the Rex Ryan era. As the kids say in the streets these days, the Jets now have, “swag.” (Did I use that right?) In fact, he even came up with his own name for it: “swagalicious”. He’s already gotten in a verbal spat with Chrowder from Miami and told New England he isn’t coming to kiss their rings. It’s like he’s taken G-Unit Marketing 101. Even if they don’t win, they’ll at least be entertaining. They can just go to stock footage of his dad choking his OC.
As for Mangenious, he tried to keep his starting QB a secret until gametime so Minnesota had to game plan for both. Who broke his starter? TO via Twitter. That’s not exactly Jay Glazer, I must say. Me thinks the Jets got the better of that deal.
(Not saying anything about Sanchez. Too afraid to jinx it)
What was the biggest cocktease of the summer?
The state of Delaware legalizing sports gambling on individual games, but then having it reversed by a federal court. In the words of Kent Brockman, “I’ve said it before. Democracy simply doesn’t work.” (Thus smashing the world record for Simpsons references in a football preview). So fuck you even more Delaware. You stupid little state can be annexed by Canada for all I care. (Yes, I know they have multigame parlays, but it’s not the same. I would have moved them into at least my top 40 states if they had just promised that. I thought we were going to double team in the back of a Kia Rio, Instead I got a pity handjob in the back alley. Feel free to use that last analogy, Delaware. It sure beats “The First State”.)
What’s going to be the most entertaining story of the season?Definitely the Merriman-Tila Tequila trial. I can’t wait for that one. I’m sure the Norv will handle the situation deftly. It also resulted in it being reported that San Diego GM AJ Smith did not like hearing about Merriman on Page 6. If this results in the first NFL trade because of Page 6, I’m all for it.
How’d your fantasy draft go? Because I’m dying to know about a team that isn’t mine.I’m glad you asked. I had the last pick of the 4th round and the first of the 5th. I already had AD, Brady and Andre Johnson (we only have 6 teams so you can end up with that type of quality). I was primed to take Brandon Jacobs and Greg Jennings. And then Brock had to go and take Jacobs, that fuck. I had to settle inevitably for Clinton Portis. It’s almost fate at this point. I don’t think there’s been a year where I haven’t ended up with him.
Barney after round 5: “Oh boy, things kind of escalated there pretty quickly.”
Champ: “Barney, I saw you pick Lee Evans.”
Oh well, at least my team name is Original Hipsters. And our logo is Dan Cotese’s face. I’m awesome. In a related story, I’m single.
Let’s sum this up on a positive note. The Barney Show is for the kids. What lessons can we tell them?
Don’t ever come back to college if you’re a top 5 pick
Never date celebrities who got famous through the internet
As always, Delaware sucks
Jay Cutler’s an asshat
Enjoy watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs the same ever again.
And with that, I’ll let you start the season.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
"When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker"
We’ll get to the above quote soon enough. It makes a lot more sense when you realize Brock came down to the Dirty this weekend (I can see the light bulb going on above your head). Brock decided to make a trip for his birthday after plans for a boat trip fell apart. Basically I wasn’t coming if we couldn’t reenact the Vikings boat trip. The procurement of strippers across state lines wasn’t happening as efficiently as I would have liked which put the whole operation in jeopardy. Instead, I was able to get my hands on some Redskins tickets. Then we went on a road trip to North Carolina. Why? Why not is a better question. I’m like the John Lennon of getting drunk in new locations.
Let’s first get to the football game. Brock brought his A game of heckling and actually had a bit of a following in the upper deck. He called out a Patriots fan for looking like Jimmy Fallon and another one for stealing Rick James’s hair. A solid performance on his part. We stopped on the way home to see the White House and I have to admire both our restraints in not making a penis joke about the Washington Monument across the way.
Saturday morning we climbed in a rented Kia Rio (nothing says ballin’ like a Kia) to start our trip to North Carolina. Just to be prepared, I bought a liter of liquor for myself. We fueled ourselves with the worst meal I think I’ve ever had. A sausage and egg on a croissant and hash browns from Dunkin’ Donuts. I can’t even describe how bad this tasted. Before leaving, Brock was called “The Governor” by some random chick at the Double D (Here’s your advertising idea, Dunkin’ Donuts: Get rid of the “America Runs on Dunkin”. Because if they all did, there would be a horrible shortage of available bathrooms if they ate your breakfast sandwiches. Embrace the Double D. Because who doesn’t like saying that? Either that or go with “Throw some D’s on it”. You’re Welcome.) He then tried to get a picture with her, but she flat out refused him. Rousing start to the trip.
We arrived in Durham, North Carolina and stopped by Duke University. You would think you would reach a point where you got tired of rape jokes. You would be wrong. I was considering buying a Duke Lacrosse hat and then bumping The Lox’s “Rapin’ You Records” skit. We stopped by what was easily the least impressive college stadiums I’ve ever seen. I think I’ve seen high schools with better facilities. Coach K must be having some of the best “assistant coaches” in the world to get the recruits he gets. And by “assistant coaches” I mean the ones who have offices in student dorm rooms and are named Buffy and Suzy.
Then we went to UNC and saw the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, the student bookstore was closed when we got there so I wasn’t able to blow $200 on Tarheel merchandise. Don’t worry. Keep reading and I’ll blow it in an even more impressive fashion. After that it was off to dinner which allowed Drunken Barney to come out. Let the fun begin. Some of the highlights of the night:
- We went to a bar which brewed it’s own beer. There was a microbrewery right next to a wall size picture of a young MJ. Seeing that I had the two things that I enjoy most, we proceeded to order Patron shots. I think we had 5 rounds plus some beers and the bill came to $72. Hooray cheap southern living.
- Being genuinely upset when North Carolina did not have someone at the Va border with their shirt off swinging it over their head like a helicopter. Has Petey Pablo taught us nothing?
- Going to a bar with a 37 year old bar tender. She started talking to us. Brock putting the following quote from me on Facebook: “I demand we double team her in the back of the Kia Rio.” I’m classy.
- Going to a bar that had the word “Player’s” in the name that was not a strip club. I was shocked.
- We went to another bar called the Library. I don’t think they get this whole bar naming thing in Chapel Hill, but it’s not like that stopped me from ordering Henn Rock shots. The next thing I know, I’m being woken up and I’m sleeping in the front seat of the Kia.
- Being woken up to go into a hotel. We got a room that cost $240 I believe. This was at 4 am. We left by 9:30. I think it would have been more fiscally responsible to solicit a hooker and stay at her place.
- Not that this wasn’t attempted. Brock tells me he tried to go to a frat, but got lost. “I took a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end road. Then I started to call hookers.” That prompted our new motto on life: “When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker.” Now that’s some life advice. I’m already working on making up motivational posters with “Perseverance” in big letters with that phrase underneath. The only question I have is if I leave the motivational Eagle on there or go with the picture of a car pulling up to a scantily clad woman. That’s why they pay me the big money.
- On the ride back, we proceeded to make MTV Rock and Jock jokes for about an hour. We called Dan Cortez, “The Original Hipster” because of the apathetic way in which he wore his baseball hat backwards. Please start referring to him as an “O.H.” I swear this was hilarious at the time.
- Brock returns the Kia to Hertz and they naturally assume he’s a drug dealer because he told them he went to Virginia and North Carolina with the rental. If I’ve learned anything from The Simpsons, the correct response for an excuse is, “I was buying pornography. Getting drunk at the ol’ pornography shop.” This might be the first time this was an excuse and not the truth for Brock.
I think that about sums it up. North Carolina gets added to the list of states in which I’ve gotten drunk in. We’re up to 13 now by my count. Who says I don’t have goals?
Let’s first get to the football game. Brock brought his A game of heckling and actually had a bit of a following in the upper deck. He called out a Patriots fan for looking like Jimmy Fallon and another one for stealing Rick James’s hair. A solid performance on his part. We stopped on the way home to see the White House and I have to admire both our restraints in not making a penis joke about the Washington Monument across the way.
Saturday morning we climbed in a rented Kia Rio (nothing says ballin’ like a Kia) to start our trip to North Carolina. Just to be prepared, I bought a liter of liquor for myself. We fueled ourselves with the worst meal I think I’ve ever had. A sausage and egg on a croissant and hash browns from Dunkin’ Donuts. I can’t even describe how bad this tasted. Before leaving, Brock was called “The Governor” by some random chick at the Double D (Here’s your advertising idea, Dunkin’ Donuts: Get rid of the “America Runs on Dunkin”. Because if they all did, there would be a horrible shortage of available bathrooms if they ate your breakfast sandwiches. Embrace the Double D. Because who doesn’t like saying that? Either that or go with “Throw some D’s on it”. You’re Welcome.) He then tried to get a picture with her, but she flat out refused him. Rousing start to the trip.
We arrived in Durham, North Carolina and stopped by Duke University. You would think you would reach a point where you got tired of rape jokes. You would be wrong. I was considering buying a Duke Lacrosse hat and then bumping The Lox’s “Rapin’ You Records” skit. We stopped by what was easily the least impressive college stadiums I’ve ever seen. I think I’ve seen high schools with better facilities. Coach K must be having some of the best “assistant coaches” in the world to get the recruits he gets. And by “assistant coaches” I mean the ones who have offices in student dorm rooms and are named Buffy and Suzy.
Then we went to UNC and saw the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, the student bookstore was closed when we got there so I wasn’t able to blow $200 on Tarheel merchandise. Don’t worry. Keep reading and I’ll blow it in an even more impressive fashion. After that it was off to dinner which allowed Drunken Barney to come out. Let the fun begin. Some of the highlights of the night:
- We went to a bar which brewed it’s own beer. There was a microbrewery right next to a wall size picture of a young MJ. Seeing that I had the two things that I enjoy most, we proceeded to order Patron shots. I think we had 5 rounds plus some beers and the bill came to $72. Hooray cheap southern living.
- Being genuinely upset when North Carolina did not have someone at the Va border with their shirt off swinging it over their head like a helicopter. Has Petey Pablo taught us nothing?
- Going to a bar with a 37 year old bar tender. She started talking to us. Brock putting the following quote from me on Facebook: “I demand we double team her in the back of the Kia Rio.” I’m classy.
- Going to a bar that had the word “Player’s” in the name that was not a strip club. I was shocked.
- We went to another bar called the Library. I don’t think they get this whole bar naming thing in Chapel Hill, but it’s not like that stopped me from ordering Henn Rock shots. The next thing I know, I’m being woken up and I’m sleeping in the front seat of the Kia.
- Being woken up to go into a hotel. We got a room that cost $240 I believe. This was at 4 am. We left by 9:30. I think it would have been more fiscally responsible to solicit a hooker and stay at her place.
- Not that this wasn’t attempted. Brock tells me he tried to go to a frat, but got lost. “I took a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end road. Then I started to call hookers.” That prompted our new motto on life: “When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker.” Now that’s some life advice. I’m already working on making up motivational posters with “Perseverance” in big letters with that phrase underneath. The only question I have is if I leave the motivational Eagle on there or go with the picture of a car pulling up to a scantily clad woman. That’s why they pay me the big money.
- On the ride back, we proceeded to make MTV Rock and Jock jokes for about an hour. We called Dan Cortez, “The Original Hipster” because of the apathetic way in which he wore his baseball hat backwards. Please start referring to him as an “O.H.” I swear this was hilarious at the time.
- Brock returns the Kia to Hertz and they naturally assume he’s a drug dealer because he told them he went to Virginia and North Carolina with the rental. If I’ve learned anything from The Simpsons, the correct response for an excuse is, “I was buying pornography. Getting drunk at the ol’ pornography shop.” This might be the first time this was an excuse and not the truth for Brock.
I think that about sums it up. North Carolina gets added to the list of states in which I’ve gotten drunk in. We’re up to 13 now by my count. Who says I don’t have goals?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The Ookie Experience
It’s good to know our 2007 campaign to Free Ookie has finally reached a conclusion. I’m sure the efforts here have had a dramatic impact on this. Thanks to everyone for their hard work. And by hard work I mean, texting me whenever there was anything Ookie related, yelling out, “Free Mike Vick” on Good Morning America, and generally, just putting up with my crap and not reporting me to the authorities. I got the news about his signing with Philly while at a bar and it will probably be one of those “I knew exactly where I was when it happened” moments in my life. Aptly enough, it was a bar called McFadden’s, which was the subject of the next Barney Show ridiculous initiative. I’ve avoided it for 2 years because I think I’m just now over my man crush on Run DMC, Darren McFadden (Hold on? Why did I not use this nickname back in my track days? Run BMC? Honoring the immortal Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullins? Dammit. The lesson here? I was a dumbass in high school). The one downside of being at a bar last night was that I was surrounded by Redskins, Ravens (Including one douchebag in a U of Delaware Joe Flacco jersey. Vegas was giving 4-1 odds of me and him going at it at some point), Steeler, and yes, even one Cardinals fan.
Before we get more into the Ookie situation, let’s go through my night, shall we? Why not? It’s not like you have anything better to do. I promise it’s Ookie related. We were at McFadden’s because a friend of a friend won a happy hour which allowed any of his friends drinks for $2. This sounds like a good deal. I ended up with a $120 tab. Apparently Jaeger and Jack were not on the $2 list. And I ended up by multiple rounds of shots for people. And I decided the $2 drinks were not strong enough to get me drunk. Well fuck me silly. After I was sufficiently sauced, we proceeded to another bar, because hey, it’s on the way home. Why not? As solid reasoning if I’ve ever heard. It was me and this girl, her roommate, and who I was assuming was her roommate’s boyfriend. We were playing darts and drinking beer.
Ok, stage is set. Let’s get to the fun part. Roommate’s boyfriend (we’ll refer to him as Fuckface for the rest of this story) was a Va Tech grad. Being that I have limited social skills to talk to normal people, this provided me a chance to engage in what other people call “casual conversation” being that Vick was in the news that night. (Quick backtrack. The roommate was pretty hot, until I found out she was a lobbyist. Only she wouldn’t say she was a lobbyist, she had some fancy name. I would too if my actual title was the Whoring Myself Out to Cripple Democracy. I’ve tried to avoid these people like the plague. I decided to mix it up a bit with her and asked, “Well how good are you at your job? Could you get me to switch sides on an issue?” She refused to give a straight answer, just kept blurting out something like, “It depends on what my client wanted.” Seriously, go get fucked. Then I found out she was a lobbyist for some bullshit environmental firm. Wow. It took a lot of power not to go find a pool stick and crack it over her head. The point of this is that I had already been provoked. Aren’t you glad I’m back? Where else on the internet can you find someone who so steadfastly refuses to stick to a single plot line? ) We were exchanging some opinions (and you can probably guess how he feels about PETA based on who his girlfriend works for) until I asked, “What do you have against the guy? He was the best football player in your schools history.” This apparently set him off because he got all up in my grill and started telling me that he wasn’t the best because of the horrible things he did. My retort, “What does that have to do with anything he did on the field”, while a clear and logical, did not seem to resonate with Fuckface, who continued to make dumbass comments as you would expect from someone who thinks PETA is awesome about football. While he continued to chase his own tail logically, I had some pretty good lines, if I must say so myself.
“You didn’t go to a real football school. Virginia Tech plays in the fucking ACC.”“Wait, you considered last year a good year? You played Cinci-fucking-natti in a bowl game.”
“In the words of the great Clinton Portis, ‘We’re talking about daws, man. Fightin’ dawgs.’”
“Why are you bringing Marcus into this? What did he ever do to anyone?” (That was my favorite line of the whole thing. Leave it up to me to defend the honor of Marcus Vick)
This went back and forth for about 10 minutes. I was getting closer and closer to just ending it and coming over the top with my beer bottle. I saw where this was going and while shit faced, did realize that spending 2 years in jail was a little too high of a price to pay for my Free Ookie campaign. About this time, I said, “He led your team to the only national championship you’ve ever gone to and almost beat a great Florida State team by himself in the Sugar Bowl. How is that not the most successful player in Va Tech’s history?”
Let’s pause for a second to prepare yourself for the single dumbest comeback I have ever heard. Ready? Ok, here we go. “Well, that’s if you want to measure success by national championships.” Holy. Fucking. Shit. The other defense lawyer from My Cousin Vinny had better arguments than that. Let’s question the measurement of something by asking if the very definition of that measurement is valid. This guy must have been great in physics class. Other lines Fuckface has probably uttered?“Well, that’s if you want to measure distance by feet.”
“Who uses the Dewey Decimal System to classify books?”
“Why would you want to measure my gayness on the Brady Quinn scale?”
Hov wants said, “A wise man once told me, don’t argue with fools. Cause from a distance, people can’t tell who is who.” I followed this philosophy and simply walked out of the bar. Didn’t say anything. Just walked out. Got on my phone and left a voicemail with Brock that started off, “I just passed up pussy in the name of Ookie.” And you wonder why I’m single?
Alright, I promised you some actual thoughts on this, so here we go:
- I just wish I could have seen Desmond McNabb (He’ll always be Desmond McNabb to me. And maybe one person gets that joke. Way to go grab a larger audience you moron) when Andy Reid told him they were signing Vick. I’m starting to think the Eagles exist only as a psychological experiment to see how far they can push McNabb before he just quits.
- I’m glad to see him sign with Philly. It makes my job of making semi-witty comments that much easier. For Monday Morning Hangover’s this year, you’ll see a lot of (insert joke about Philly fans booing here) and then (insert joke about Vick being nothing compared to Andy Reid’s kids here).
- I won’t go into it the sheer volume of hypocrisy too much because it will just get me frustrated, but this morning’s Sunday Conversation featured an NFL player who was actually involved in a person’s death, not dogs. No protests there.
- Any chance he gets worked into a plot of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”? Or is that asking for too much?
- Now that Ookie is signed, who’s the next lost cause to get The Barney Show endorsement? Anyone know when Maurice Clarett gets out?
Since I’ve asked four straight questions, I think it’s time to wrap this up. Just remember kids: Stick to the script. Ookie over bitches.
Before we get more into the Ookie situation, let’s go through my night, shall we? Why not? It’s not like you have anything better to do. I promise it’s Ookie related. We were at McFadden’s because a friend of a friend won a happy hour which allowed any of his friends drinks for $2. This sounds like a good deal. I ended up with a $120 tab. Apparently Jaeger and Jack were not on the $2 list. And I ended up by multiple rounds of shots for people. And I decided the $2 drinks were not strong enough to get me drunk. Well fuck me silly. After I was sufficiently sauced, we proceeded to another bar, because hey, it’s on the way home. Why not? As solid reasoning if I’ve ever heard. It was me and this girl, her roommate, and who I was assuming was her roommate’s boyfriend. We were playing darts and drinking beer.
Ok, stage is set. Let’s get to the fun part. Roommate’s boyfriend (we’ll refer to him as Fuckface for the rest of this story) was a Va Tech grad. Being that I have limited social skills to talk to normal people, this provided me a chance to engage in what other people call “casual conversation” being that Vick was in the news that night. (Quick backtrack. The roommate was pretty hot, until I found out she was a lobbyist. Only she wouldn’t say she was a lobbyist, she had some fancy name. I would too if my actual title was the Whoring Myself Out to Cripple Democracy. I’ve tried to avoid these people like the plague. I decided to mix it up a bit with her and asked, “Well how good are you at your job? Could you get me to switch sides on an issue?” She refused to give a straight answer, just kept blurting out something like, “It depends on what my client wanted.” Seriously, go get fucked. Then I found out she was a lobbyist for some bullshit environmental firm. Wow. It took a lot of power not to go find a pool stick and crack it over her head. The point of this is that I had already been provoked. Aren’t you glad I’m back? Where else on the internet can you find someone who so steadfastly refuses to stick to a single plot line? ) We were exchanging some opinions (and you can probably guess how he feels about PETA based on who his girlfriend works for) until I asked, “What do you have against the guy? He was the best football player in your schools history.” This apparently set him off because he got all up in my grill and started telling me that he wasn’t the best because of the horrible things he did. My retort, “What does that have to do with anything he did on the field”, while a clear and logical, did not seem to resonate with Fuckface, who continued to make dumbass comments as you would expect from someone who thinks PETA is awesome about football. While he continued to chase his own tail logically, I had some pretty good lines, if I must say so myself.
“You didn’t go to a real football school. Virginia Tech plays in the fucking ACC.”“Wait, you considered last year a good year? You played Cinci-fucking-natti in a bowl game.”
“In the words of the great Clinton Portis, ‘We’re talking about daws, man. Fightin’ dawgs.’”
“Why are you bringing Marcus into this? What did he ever do to anyone?” (That was my favorite line of the whole thing. Leave it up to me to defend the honor of Marcus Vick)
This went back and forth for about 10 minutes. I was getting closer and closer to just ending it and coming over the top with my beer bottle. I saw where this was going and while shit faced, did realize that spending 2 years in jail was a little too high of a price to pay for my Free Ookie campaign. About this time, I said, “He led your team to the only national championship you’ve ever gone to and almost beat a great Florida State team by himself in the Sugar Bowl. How is that not the most successful player in Va Tech’s history?”
Let’s pause for a second to prepare yourself for the single dumbest comeback I have ever heard. Ready? Ok, here we go. “Well, that’s if you want to measure success by national championships.” Holy. Fucking. Shit. The other defense lawyer from My Cousin Vinny had better arguments than that. Let’s question the measurement of something by asking if the very definition of that measurement is valid. This guy must have been great in physics class. Other lines Fuckface has probably uttered?“Well, that’s if you want to measure distance by feet.”
“Who uses the Dewey Decimal System to classify books?”
“Why would you want to measure my gayness on the Brady Quinn scale?”
Hov wants said, “A wise man once told me, don’t argue with fools. Cause from a distance, people can’t tell who is who.” I followed this philosophy and simply walked out of the bar. Didn’t say anything. Just walked out. Got on my phone and left a voicemail with Brock that started off, “I just passed up pussy in the name of Ookie.” And you wonder why I’m single?
Alright, I promised you some actual thoughts on this, so here we go:
- I just wish I could have seen Desmond McNabb (He’ll always be Desmond McNabb to me. And maybe one person gets that joke. Way to go grab a larger audience you moron) when Andy Reid told him they were signing Vick. I’m starting to think the Eagles exist only as a psychological experiment to see how far they can push McNabb before he just quits.
- I’m glad to see him sign with Philly. It makes my job of making semi-witty comments that much easier. For Monday Morning Hangover’s this year, you’ll see a lot of (insert joke about Philly fans booing here) and then (insert joke about Vick being nothing compared to Andy Reid’s kids here).
- I won’t go into it the sheer volume of hypocrisy too much because it will just get me frustrated, but this morning’s Sunday Conversation featured an NFL player who was actually involved in a person’s death, not dogs. No protests there.
- Any chance he gets worked into a plot of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”? Or is that asking for too much?
- Now that Ookie is signed, who’s the next lost cause to get The Barney Show endorsement? Anyone know when Maurice Clarett gets out?
Since I’ve asked four straight questions, I think it’s time to wrap this up. Just remember kids: Stick to the script. Ookie over bitches.
Texas Toast
“This is the chronicles of Killa, and don’t smoke ‘cause the chronic it’ll kill ya.”
-Cam’ron
Thanks for the intro, Killa Cam (Do you know how hard it is to get a rap quote with the word “chronicles” in it?) We’re back with the chronicles of Mr. Twenty Percent, now providing 27.3% more inspiration: Brock is planning on doing some sort of Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” tribute incorporating this. Because nothing gives Jacko a shout out like talking about 3 year olds. Me, I think it’s just an excuse for him to wear his fedora.
I was planning on doing a special two part Texas Toast, since last weekend my daughter came to NY to see my family, but I just didn’t get around to it. (Man, I could have had a cliff hanger. I’m all about incorporating literary devices into this bullshit blog, aren’t I?). Instead, you get a multi-state Texas Toast. Now take a deep breath to prepare yourself for this incredible event. (Good? Ok, just checking). Editor's Note: The events depicted here occurred July 17-27. I was just lazy.
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” – Animal House
Quick setup: My daughter and baby moms flew up to NY on a Tuesday, spent Wednesday and Thursday with my mom’s side of the family and they Thursday night went to my dad’s family reunion in the Poconos. I met up with them late Friday night.
Saturday morning, I was awakened early to go see a theatrical production of The Jungle Book. We then went to a German festival called “The Wurst Festival.” We’re trying to raise our child to never turn down an ethnic festival that has a bad pun involving sausages, so we were obliged to go. Now you would think that a German festival would have two things in abundance and variety: sausages and beer. They really slipped on the second part. Not that I was drinking since I had to drive home with my daughter (My liver would really, really, really appreciate it if I spent more time with her), but I was interested in seeing the assortment. Instead, they had the fine selection of Budweiser and Bud Light. Yes, they were drinking Bud at a beer garden. That’s sacrilege.
“If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.” – Bronx Tale
Another fun part of having a family reunion is seeing people you haven’t seen in a few years. One thing I didn’t know? Apparently I have Italians in my family. Don’t let the little fact that I think their dad is Jewish and their mom Irish fool you. Those tight shirts, gelled hair and gold chains say otherwise. Hey, if they can bring some better cooking to holidays, I’m all for it (that would also imply that I’m sober enough at these to have taste buds).
The best part for them was that I all prepared to make sarcastic jokes about their education (If Tim Tebow tears an ACL this season, your entire science department would stop whatever they were doing and focus on advanced knee bionics and then when that failed, cloning Tim Tebow. I’m supposed to respect that education?), and instead they show up looking like they’re not from Florida, but Staten Island. That really threw me off my game. I’ll admit, I didn’t bring the funny like I should have. But please believe that I’m watching a Godfather, Goodfellas, Bronx Tale marathon prior to the next time we meet.
“G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G- Unit” – Everyone in New York in 2002
Alright, on to Texas. On Friday night, I took my daughter to see the new movie, G-Force. Yes, that’s the one with guinea pigs who try to save the world, and the premise is as ridiculous as that sounds. But my daughter just got a hamster as a pet (to replace the gold fish that I killed the last time I was down here), so this seemed like a good way to kill 2 hours. I got a text from Chubb Rock saying it was the # 1 movie in America this weekend and it did not surprise me at all. That place was packed. How packed you ask? The line would have been around the block. Except that don’t’ play that whole “sidewalk” shit in Texas. They just kept the line straight, and be damned if it went out into the parking lot. They effectively blocked off the entire first lane of the parking lot. It was highly entertaining to see cars drive up looking for parking only to realize they couldn’t because these morons were just standing in the street, when there was a perfectly good sidewalk right next to it. (I’m thinking this whole multi-state Texas Toast thing is just an excuse to rip the education systems across America). And to answer your question, yes, I did try to get my daughter to say, “G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G-Force.” Didn’t catch on.
“Boom, Boom, Pow” – Black Eyed Peas
If you recall from the last Texas Toast, my daughter has moved from kids songs to listening to the radio full time. Her favorite song right now is that stupid Boom, Boom, Pow one from the Black Eyed Peas (I’m sorry, I should give them the benefit of the doubt, but ESPN played that “Let’s get it started” song one too many times for me during the 2005 playoffs. And yes, I will hold this against them even though it wasn’t their fault. Wait, they agreed to the deal and even changed their lyrics from, “Let’s get retarded”, to “Let’s get it started.” So fuck them.) So now our rides consist of me flipping from radio station to radio station and she yells from the back seat, “Change it”. On the plus side, my daughter was singing the phrase, “Jackin’ my swagger.” Say what you want about Gilbert Arenas, but he popularized the word Swag so much that 3 year olds in Texas are now using it. And even though my following of the rap game has dropped off, no one did more to promote that word than Agent 0 did. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
“She L-L-L-L-L-L-icked me like a lollipop.” – Lil Wayne
Continuing on the radio tip, I’m flipping through and the chorus comes on as soon as I turn to the station. Which prompts the question from the backseat, “Daddy, why is he singing about a lollipop?” “Ummmm…”. I quickly resorted to the old point and yell out, “Look over there” technique while changing to the CD I had in. Luckily, she does like “Love Lockdown” so I was able to avoid disaster. She actually really enjoyed 808s and Heartbreak to the point where she was doing all of these arm movements in the backseat. That’s good because I think that’s the only CD I own that I would approve of her listening to (Check that. We will one day rock out to Johnny Cash.)
“I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, I am for real.” – OutKast
I didn’t go back and check this (detailed oriented fact checker I am not), but I think this is the first time I’ve actually used this song in a quote. Surprising. (I’ll give you the requisite 30 seconds to strap yourself back into your seat from that surprise…Still here…Not going anywhere…You ready?...Ok, we’ll get back to the story.) I had a conversation with my daughter’s grandmother in which she said to me, “I was telling one of my friends that you [Barney] were too good for my daughter.” (I’ll pause again for you to come out of shock…Thinking of the Ron Artest article in Sports Illustrated I read on the way down…he’s looking for takers on his reality show he’s developing…I might quit my job to watch that 24/7 if it comes out…ok, ready to proceed? Let’s go.) Who knew rampant alcoholism and a propensity to work 60-70 hour weeks was so respected. Apparently, it all boils down to the fact that I am quote, “really nice.” So strike one up in the corner for “Repressing emotions and releasing them through alcohol”. It’s only down 3,587 to “Being an emotionally stable person,” but I think it’s poised for a comeback.
“Quit hatin’ the South.” – UGK
I’ll be the first one to give the South some respect when it comes to the rap game, but this weekend might have done more to change that than anything else I can think of. Quick, which artist was a radio DJ in Dallas talking about when she said, “New music for you. Some of you need to expand your horizons and not just listen to The Stanky Leg”? Hint: it was not a newly signed rapper from the underground on an indie label. If you guessed Jay-Z, you would be correct. Not only was it Hov, it was featuring Kanye West and Rihanna. I know I haven’t been up on the rap game as I would like, but I’m fairly certain those are still relevant artists. I’m just going to stop now before my head explodes (Though maybe it’s not just Dallas. Brock let me know that Fabolous’s new album is a big deal in NYC. Who knew? That “Put it in the Bag” song is terrible.)
Finally, after travelling the past two weekends through various cities, I’m issuing a challenge. If anyone can get through the entire radio dial without hearing “Every Girl in the World” or “Best I Ever Had”, you win. I don’t think I went more than 5 minutes without hearing one of those songs.
“That. Was. Awesome. Sorry about your car man.” - Tommy Boy
As we further our explorations into issues with cars in back country and animals, on Saturday night, we took a trip out to somebody’s ranch. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to have a plan Saturday night so they picked up on this and invited me to something I couldn’t really turn down. I spent an hour playing ping pong if you’re interested. No fishing for me. The adventure came on the way home. I was down to less than an eighth of a tank of gas. I asked about taking a way home that included a gas station so I could refill my tank accordingly. This simple request was overturned and the person I was following decided it would be prudent to take only back roads on the way home. And by back roads I mean single lane roads without dividers, that sometimes are only dirt, and which we had to stop twice because there were cattle on the side of the road. I had to drive 25 miles with the engine light on with a 4 year old, and two 13 year olds yammering on about whatever nonsense they talk about. While trying to figure out how I would respond to being at least 15 miles from the nearest form of civilization should this run out, I realized, “You know what? Based on this car ride, I never want to have another kid.”
Alright, before I wrap this up, let’s get to the other cultural milestones of this great land that is Texas that are quick hitters:
- Apparently, it’s ok for a 40 year old man to get on a plane wearing a cut off t-shirt and shorts while being at least 50 pounds overweight.
- The big reason we went out to the ranch on Saturday night was to pick up fish that had been caught that day. I assumed this was for eating purposes. No. They merely wanted to take the fish they had caught in this lake and transport them to another lake. Why? I imagine to stock the lake that they owned, but I’m not sure. So to sum up, they spent an entire day fishing merely to reallocate the catfish population in lakes in East Texas. The whole thing was so retarded, I didn’t even want to ask in case the answer was even stupider.
- People love to mow their lawns. I mean really do. It’s a form of recreation down here. And this is a fact…I have never mowed a lawn in my life. The closest I ever came was standing there and watching French Ben mow his parents lawn, in which he promptly ran over the lawnmower’s electrical cord. Ahh, good times.
-Cam’ron
Thanks for the intro, Killa Cam (Do you know how hard it is to get a rap quote with the word “chronicles” in it?) We’re back with the chronicles of Mr. Twenty Percent, now providing 27.3% more inspiration: Brock is planning on doing some sort of Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” tribute incorporating this. Because nothing gives Jacko a shout out like talking about 3 year olds. Me, I think it’s just an excuse for him to wear his fedora.
I was planning on doing a special two part Texas Toast, since last weekend my daughter came to NY to see my family, but I just didn’t get around to it. (Man, I could have had a cliff hanger. I’m all about incorporating literary devices into this bullshit blog, aren’t I?). Instead, you get a multi-state Texas Toast. Now take a deep breath to prepare yourself for this incredible event. (Good? Ok, just checking). Editor's Note: The events depicted here occurred July 17-27. I was just lazy.
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” – Animal House
Quick setup: My daughter and baby moms flew up to NY on a Tuesday, spent Wednesday and Thursday with my mom’s side of the family and they Thursday night went to my dad’s family reunion in the Poconos. I met up with them late Friday night.
Saturday morning, I was awakened early to go see a theatrical production of The Jungle Book. We then went to a German festival called “The Wurst Festival.” We’re trying to raise our child to never turn down an ethnic festival that has a bad pun involving sausages, so we were obliged to go. Now you would think that a German festival would have two things in abundance and variety: sausages and beer. They really slipped on the second part. Not that I was drinking since I had to drive home with my daughter (My liver would really, really, really appreciate it if I spent more time with her), but I was interested in seeing the assortment. Instead, they had the fine selection of Budweiser and Bud Light. Yes, they were drinking Bud at a beer garden. That’s sacrilege.
“If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.” – Bronx Tale
Another fun part of having a family reunion is seeing people you haven’t seen in a few years. One thing I didn’t know? Apparently I have Italians in my family. Don’t let the little fact that I think their dad is Jewish and their mom Irish fool you. Those tight shirts, gelled hair and gold chains say otherwise. Hey, if they can bring some better cooking to holidays, I’m all for it (that would also imply that I’m sober enough at these to have taste buds).
The best part for them was that I all prepared to make sarcastic jokes about their education (If Tim Tebow tears an ACL this season, your entire science department would stop whatever they were doing and focus on advanced knee bionics and then when that failed, cloning Tim Tebow. I’m supposed to respect that education?), and instead they show up looking like they’re not from Florida, but Staten Island. That really threw me off my game. I’ll admit, I didn’t bring the funny like I should have. But please believe that I’m watching a Godfather, Goodfellas, Bronx Tale marathon prior to the next time we meet.
“G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G- Unit” – Everyone in New York in 2002
Alright, on to Texas. On Friday night, I took my daughter to see the new movie, G-Force. Yes, that’s the one with guinea pigs who try to save the world, and the premise is as ridiculous as that sounds. But my daughter just got a hamster as a pet (to replace the gold fish that I killed the last time I was down here), so this seemed like a good way to kill 2 hours. I got a text from Chubb Rock saying it was the # 1 movie in America this weekend and it did not surprise me at all. That place was packed. How packed you ask? The line would have been around the block. Except that don’t’ play that whole “sidewalk” shit in Texas. They just kept the line straight, and be damned if it went out into the parking lot. They effectively blocked off the entire first lane of the parking lot. It was highly entertaining to see cars drive up looking for parking only to realize they couldn’t because these morons were just standing in the street, when there was a perfectly good sidewalk right next to it. (I’m thinking this whole multi-state Texas Toast thing is just an excuse to rip the education systems across America). And to answer your question, yes, I did try to get my daughter to say, “G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G-Force.” Didn’t catch on.
“Boom, Boom, Pow” – Black Eyed Peas
If you recall from the last Texas Toast, my daughter has moved from kids songs to listening to the radio full time. Her favorite song right now is that stupid Boom, Boom, Pow one from the Black Eyed Peas (I’m sorry, I should give them the benefit of the doubt, but ESPN played that “Let’s get it started” song one too many times for me during the 2005 playoffs. And yes, I will hold this against them even though it wasn’t their fault. Wait, they agreed to the deal and even changed their lyrics from, “Let’s get retarded”, to “Let’s get it started.” So fuck them.) So now our rides consist of me flipping from radio station to radio station and she yells from the back seat, “Change it”. On the plus side, my daughter was singing the phrase, “Jackin’ my swagger.” Say what you want about Gilbert Arenas, but he popularized the word Swag so much that 3 year olds in Texas are now using it. And even though my following of the rap game has dropped off, no one did more to promote that word than Agent 0 did. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
“She L-L-L-L-L-L-icked me like a lollipop.” – Lil Wayne
Continuing on the radio tip, I’m flipping through and the chorus comes on as soon as I turn to the station. Which prompts the question from the backseat, “Daddy, why is he singing about a lollipop?” “Ummmm…”. I quickly resorted to the old point and yell out, “Look over there” technique while changing to the CD I had in. Luckily, she does like “Love Lockdown” so I was able to avoid disaster. She actually really enjoyed 808s and Heartbreak to the point where she was doing all of these arm movements in the backseat. That’s good because I think that’s the only CD I own that I would approve of her listening to (Check that. We will one day rock out to Johnny Cash.)
“I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, I am for real.” – OutKast
I didn’t go back and check this (detailed oriented fact checker I am not), but I think this is the first time I’ve actually used this song in a quote. Surprising. (I’ll give you the requisite 30 seconds to strap yourself back into your seat from that surprise…Still here…Not going anywhere…You ready?...Ok, we’ll get back to the story.) I had a conversation with my daughter’s grandmother in which she said to me, “I was telling one of my friends that you [Barney] were too good for my daughter.” (I’ll pause again for you to come out of shock…Thinking of the Ron Artest article in Sports Illustrated I read on the way down…he’s looking for takers on his reality show he’s developing…I might quit my job to watch that 24/7 if it comes out…ok, ready to proceed? Let’s go.) Who knew rampant alcoholism and a propensity to work 60-70 hour weeks was so respected. Apparently, it all boils down to the fact that I am quote, “really nice.” So strike one up in the corner for “Repressing emotions and releasing them through alcohol”. It’s only down 3,587 to “Being an emotionally stable person,” but I think it’s poised for a comeback.
“Quit hatin’ the South.” – UGK
I’ll be the first one to give the South some respect when it comes to the rap game, but this weekend might have done more to change that than anything else I can think of. Quick, which artist was a radio DJ in Dallas talking about when she said, “New music for you. Some of you need to expand your horizons and not just listen to The Stanky Leg”? Hint: it was not a newly signed rapper from the underground on an indie label. If you guessed Jay-Z, you would be correct. Not only was it Hov, it was featuring Kanye West and Rihanna. I know I haven’t been up on the rap game as I would like, but I’m fairly certain those are still relevant artists. I’m just going to stop now before my head explodes (Though maybe it’s not just Dallas. Brock let me know that Fabolous’s new album is a big deal in NYC. Who knew? That “Put it in the Bag” song is terrible.)
Finally, after travelling the past two weekends through various cities, I’m issuing a challenge. If anyone can get through the entire radio dial without hearing “Every Girl in the World” or “Best I Ever Had”, you win. I don’t think I went more than 5 minutes without hearing one of those songs.
“That. Was. Awesome. Sorry about your car man.” - Tommy Boy
As we further our explorations into issues with cars in back country and animals, on Saturday night, we took a trip out to somebody’s ranch. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to have a plan Saturday night so they picked up on this and invited me to something I couldn’t really turn down. I spent an hour playing ping pong if you’re interested. No fishing for me. The adventure came on the way home. I was down to less than an eighth of a tank of gas. I asked about taking a way home that included a gas station so I could refill my tank accordingly. This simple request was overturned and the person I was following decided it would be prudent to take only back roads on the way home. And by back roads I mean single lane roads without dividers, that sometimes are only dirt, and which we had to stop twice because there were cattle on the side of the road. I had to drive 25 miles with the engine light on with a 4 year old, and two 13 year olds yammering on about whatever nonsense they talk about. While trying to figure out how I would respond to being at least 15 miles from the nearest form of civilization should this run out, I realized, “You know what? Based on this car ride, I never want to have another kid.”
Alright, before I wrap this up, let’s get to the other cultural milestones of this great land that is Texas that are quick hitters:
- Apparently, it’s ok for a 40 year old man to get on a plane wearing a cut off t-shirt and shorts while being at least 50 pounds overweight.
- The big reason we went out to the ranch on Saturday night was to pick up fish that had been caught that day. I assumed this was for eating purposes. No. They merely wanted to take the fish they had caught in this lake and transport them to another lake. Why? I imagine to stock the lake that they owned, but I’m not sure. So to sum up, they spent an entire day fishing merely to reallocate the catfish population in lakes in East Texas. The whole thing was so retarded, I didn’t even want to ask in case the answer was even stupider.
- People love to mow their lawns. I mean really do. It’s a form of recreation down here. And this is a fact…I have never mowed a lawn in my life. The closest I ever came was standing there and watching French Ben mow his parents lawn, in which he promptly ran over the lawnmower’s electrical cord. Ahh, good times.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I go on vacation and Ron Ron decides to go and sign with LA
I promised myself I wasn’t going to log on this weekend, but I’m sorry, anytime Ron Ron signs in the entertainment capital of the world, I need to say something. Obviously, I’m thrilled. Don’t believe me? He’s already been at Diddy’s white party this weekend. And since the 1 AM Sportscenter is across the street from the Staples Center, he’ll be on that more. He was on Thursday night in a hat that said, “So Gutta” and said he was going to “hoodalize” the show. I see no way in this will end badly. Oh, and he’s reuniting with his former AAU teammate, L Odom, assuming he resigns. Yes, the one he rapped about smoking weed at halftime with.
From a basketball perspective, I really like it because if there’s any coach who can control crazy Ron, it’s Jackson. I see Phil going to Ron, “I coached Rodman to 3 titles. You have nothing on him.” And it frees Kobe up from having to guard the opponents best perimeter player.
And I’m pretty much demanding a Ron Artest reality show in LA. Since Triple 6 took the “Hollyhood” title, we’ll need to work on an alternative name. “From QB to Rodeo Drive”? If we can’t get a reality show, I’ll settle for him remaking the “To Live and Die in LA” video going around LA.
Obviously, I’ll have more over the course of the summer on this, but for now, here’s something entertaining. Ron’s actual twitter feed and one done as a joke. You know the Real Ron Artest isn’t real because you knew his twitter would involve QB and Tru Warier is some way. And of course it does. I’m not sure which one I find funnier. The fake one had some quotes that had me laughing my ass off, but the real one is equally as ridiculous. Just look at that bio. Alright, I’ll stop talking and just let you enjoy them.
http://twitter.com/96TruwarierQB
http://twitter.com/Real_Ron_Artest
And to answer your question, yes, one of them does get in a twitter fight with Chad OchoCinco (Have I stopped smiling every time I type name? No. And I don’t think I ever will.)
RIP Steve McNair. As someone who knows a little bit about playing through pain, I can say you amazed me. I think a hail of bullets was the only thing that could have taken you down.
From a basketball perspective, I really like it because if there’s any coach who can control crazy Ron, it’s Jackson. I see Phil going to Ron, “I coached Rodman to 3 titles. You have nothing on him.” And it frees Kobe up from having to guard the opponents best perimeter player.
And I’m pretty much demanding a Ron Artest reality show in LA. Since Triple 6 took the “Hollyhood” title, we’ll need to work on an alternative name. “From QB to Rodeo Drive”? If we can’t get a reality show, I’ll settle for him remaking the “To Live and Die in LA” video going around LA.
Obviously, I’ll have more over the course of the summer on this, but for now, here’s something entertaining. Ron’s actual twitter feed and one done as a joke. You know the Real Ron Artest isn’t real because you knew his twitter would involve QB and Tru Warier is some way. And of course it does. I’m not sure which one I find funnier. The fake one had some quotes that had me laughing my ass off, but the real one is equally as ridiculous. Just look at that bio. Alright, I’ll stop talking and just let you enjoy them.
http://twitter.com/96TruwarierQB
http://twitter.com/Real_Ron_Artest
And to answer your question, yes, one of them does get in a twitter fight with Chad OchoCinco (Have I stopped smiling every time I type name? No. And I don’t think I ever will.)
RIP Steve McNair. As someone who knows a little bit about playing through pain, I can say you amazed me. I think a hail of bullets was the only thing that could have taken you down.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Saga Continues...Barney, Barney
Olympic torch flaming, it burns so sweet, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. Wait, where was I? Oh right, writing a blog.
Whew, finally done with that proposal. Nothing like working 90 hour weeks. So what else has been going on? Let’s first get to an example of shit that only happens to me. So Monday afternoon, I’m working on a semi-serious presentation. Basically, they just want us to present something to get experience presenting. Anyway, I do mine and part of it went into some disaster recovery we’ve had to do. To illustrate this point and to add a bit of humor, I put a picture in of a train crashing.
I send it off to the appropriate person and don’t think anything of it. Monday night rolls around, and there’s a train accident that kills like 7 people. I completely forget about that picture until an hour before I have to present and it gets sent out and I realize I have to speak to this less than 24 hours after the deadliest train crash in Metro’s history. So yeah, that was fun. I even titled the slide “Murphy’s Law”. So who now I’m the insensitive guy. I was quick on my feet and spent most of the slide talking about our response to Hurricane Katrina. That really lightened the mood.
Keeping with the theme, I went out to happy hour on Friday. More like I got dragged by my coworkers who were beginning to question my sanity. I’m thinking I’ll have a few and be ready to pass out because I’m so tired, but being the degenerate alky that I am, I start feeling tired after my second double jack, so I switch over to red bull and vodka. A fine a decision as you’ll ever see. So now, I’m committed to the night. A few more drinks in and I’m talking to this girl. She’s pretty hot and things are going well. We keep talking going on like an hour. Just when I start to think there are possibilities, she drops this nugget to her friend that was there: “Don’t you just love him? He’s just like my brother. I mean exactly.” Yup, that about killed it. Nothing like a little incestuous overtone to kill the mood.
Another highlight of the happy hour was someone casually mentioning that they were going to Sea Isle City, NJ that weekend. Yeah, they did not know what they were getting into. I told them to not even think about going as that city was pure evil. They looked at me like I had 6 heads (Ok, you know where we’re going with this one. It’s time for the Sea Isle City story. It was the summer before my senior year of college. Friday night we had a bit of a night, and I ended up passed out on my bathroom floor. Brock tried to help me but me being the gentleman that I am said something along the lines of, “I know what the fuck I’m doing. Do you not think I know how to handle myself when I’m puking? The fuck do you think I am?” The next morning I pried myself off of that floor to join K Dog, Blaze and Marky Mark on a road trip. K Dog was dating some chick who lived way down on the Jersey shore. Her parents were out of town so she invited him and some of his friends down to visit. That was her first mistake right there. We finally get down there after brutal traffic on the NJ Parkway, and before we even find her house, we stop and get a 30 of beer and 2 bottles. We get to her place and within an hour she’s asking K Dog if I’m out on the porch doing cocaine. For the record, I was not. I was writing an episode of The Barney Show. After performing the Barney Show, we notice the house across the street has no lights on, with the exception of one candle in every single window. That’s pretty creepy. Ok, we note it and move on. Around this time, some of K-Dog’s girl’s friends start showing up. One of which was named Joanne which caught Marky Mark’s eye. Unfortunately, he did not know she had a boyfriend, who was also there. Before he found out about this, he made a bet with me for $20 that he could hook up with her before the end of the night. Knowing she had a boyfriend, I took this bet and laughed.
The night went on, and we were told that there was another party a few blocks over. We decided to check it out. While walking over there, we noticed there were several houses with the candles in each window. Being of a sound mind at that point, I can’t see how we became so paranoid. But we because convinced that every house was haunted and that we were somewhere near the nexus of hell. We decided to skip the party and go back to the house.
Now, we’re at the end of the line for the night. I crash on the couch…with a steak knife next to me because I’m convinced a demon is going to get me. Marky Mark, realizing he might be down $20 if he doesn’t do something soon decides to get a move on it. Joanne and her boyfriend were in one of the bedrooms downstairs. This didn’t deter Marky Mark at all. He starts banging on the door and yelling, “JOANNE! JOANNE! Ditch the zero and get with the hero.” In the history of western civilization, there has not been a better pick up line. He continues his harassment for about 30 minutes before finally realizing she’s not unlocking that door.
We wake up the next morning and are basically told don’t ever come back here again to which I said, “That’s fine, it’s not like I’m ever coming back to this possessed town again. I’m lucky I survived.”)
Me being the gentleman that I am (notice a theme), I felt it was my civic duty to warn this person of the impending doom they were getting themselves into by visiting Sea Isle City. When they didn’t heed my warnings, I got K Dog on the phone to validate them. After that, this person really didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. I can’t see why not. I must say, out of all my irrational hatreds, this might be the most irrational. Sea Isle City, that’s quite a distinction.
You have to love the reaction I got when people called to make sure I was ok after the train accident. It basically was, “Yeah, I assumed you were at work when it happened so I didn’t think you were involved.” I may need to find a new job.
I finally got around to seeing The Hangover, and it was hilarious. Go see it if you haven’t. I’m looking forward to me not being allowed by someone’s finance to go to a bachelor party because of that movie.
I’ll be in NY for the 4th if anyone’s interested. Hopefully, it will be a low key week.
NBA Draft Thoughts
NBA draft thoughts? Besides that I’ve seen meth addicts with more cohesive long term plans than the T Wolves? Sure, I’ll run with it.
Jeff Van Gundy summed it up best at the start of the show when he said that the league has basically turned into about 10 teams or so who are trying to win a championship, 19 who are just trying to cut costs and whatever the hell it is Minnesota is trying to do. Hence, you get Shaq, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson basically being given away to contenders who were willing to just pay their salary. So the trades had more of an impact on the league more than the draft. For the record, I feel that any team activity for the Cavs should be filmed if only so that they do not miss any of the interactions between Shaq and Lebron. I’m also looking forward to Vince Carter going back home to Orlando. That way, he can participate in family events, specifically the one they have annually where they debate who in their family quit on their team more, Carter or McGrady. After Tracy’s performance this year, Vince might have to do something even more spectacular to get out of playing. I say he spends six months on injured reserve after he gets injured by his new assistant coach, Patrick Chewing when opening a Snickers bar.
The second thing is that a lot of the success of a young player is the situation they get drafted into. If I were part of Tyreke Evans’s family I would stay in school and not just because I might need to work on my legal skills after his cousin was in a drive by shooting recently. Don’t hitch your wagon to him paying your bills for years to come. Do you think that situation is turning around anytime soon? Same thing with Thabeet, though I think he’ll be a bust regardless of where he went. Now you have James Harden picked in between them going to OKC where he can get open shots from Durant for the foreseeable future (I’m still disappointed they didn’t take Rubio though. freedarko would have just covered OKC next year if that happened ), so it wouldn’t surprise me if he comes out of this as the best after Griffin (which isn’t ideal either. Would you like to be mentored by Zach Randolph?).
Yes, I’m part of the entire world who is disappointed Curry isn’t going to the Knicks. I saw him play against West Virginia in the Garden and he owned the place. Not many college kids can do that.
Wait, you’re telling me a guy who has “Young Money” tatted across his entire back might have some maturity issues? You’re kidding me. Well, let’s just draft him and send him to Milwaukee. I’m sure he’ll spend his free time playing Scrabble with Andrew Bogut.
Speaking of good situations, I love Eric Maynor’s in Utah. Back up D Williams for a few years, get paid in 2013. Just remember where you heard it first:
So Daniel Tosh just got his own show on Comedy Central and Maynor goes in the first round. It’s not often that I’m right, so when I am, I need to let you know.
I want to be there when Terrance Williams meets Hov. That will be interesting. I’m hoping Jay was in the draft war room and said, “He reminds me of Kanye back in 2003. Pick him.” I’m sure the Nets are run a lot differently than I imagine them being run.
Finally, it’s either I write 2000 words about Minnesota or 20. For your sake, I won’t even get into it.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What's Hot in the Streets?
80 hour weeks, that’s what’s hot in the streets. Working weekends? That’s hotter than Slim Thug. (Ok, getting out of my 2005 mode). I’m regretting making that decision to major in a half business/half engineering education because having technical skills while still being able to half manage something is a very marketable skill. And by marketable, I mean that people will put more and more work onto you because you’re the only capable person to do it.
I’m coming around to the fact that it’s not a bad thing that we missed a Kobe-Lebron finals because it’s not like I would have been able to see it anyway. Correction. I could see the last 6 minutes of each game because that’s what time I got home. Anyway, in lieu of me writing something, I’m going to leverage (do you see that, I’m still in proposal writing mode) my brothers. Here’s an e-mail I got from J-Man:
“I couldn't really think of anyone else who would really appreciate this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQbB2VTLshYIt's the girl Kobe raped raping about being raped. There's got to be some lines in there that deserve to be on your blog.”
The Barney Show, the go to place on the internet for Kobe rape jokes. That’s copied and pasted, and I really enjoyed the grammatical incorrectness by J-Man, using the verb raping as opposed to rapping. Well done. For the record, I’ve done research on that youtube video and it’s not really Kobe’s conquest. (Speaking of Kobe, everyone’s talking about his legacy. I’m really stuck on if the Lakers win, does Kobe become the greatest athlete ever who’s been arrested for sexual assault? Does he take the title from Iron Mike? I’ve been stuck on this for about 24 hours now. What about Jack Johnson? Does violating the Mann Act for bringing a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes count in this? And if you’re asking why J-Man immediately sent that to me, it’s because I was able to recount a Congressional Act from 1913 that impacted a boxer that same year off the top of my head.)
Chubb Rock stepped his game up by leaving me a text last night: “Shines has a Help Wanted: Irish Need not Apply sign.” You know, I do miss the West End sometimes. Not that lack of parking, or having douchebags at your bars, but for things like that.
Alright, that’s all I got for now.
I’m coming around to the fact that it’s not a bad thing that we missed a Kobe-Lebron finals because it’s not like I would have been able to see it anyway. Correction. I could see the last 6 minutes of each game because that’s what time I got home. Anyway, in lieu of me writing something, I’m going to leverage (do you see that, I’m still in proposal writing mode) my brothers. Here’s an e-mail I got from J-Man:
“I couldn't really think of anyone else who would really appreciate this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQbB2VTLshYIt's the girl Kobe raped raping about being raped. There's got to be some lines in there that deserve to be on your blog.”
The Barney Show, the go to place on the internet for Kobe rape jokes. That’s copied and pasted, and I really enjoyed the grammatical incorrectness by J-Man, using the verb raping as opposed to rapping. Well done. For the record, I’ve done research on that youtube video and it’s not really Kobe’s conquest. (Speaking of Kobe, everyone’s talking about his legacy. I’m really stuck on if the Lakers win, does Kobe become the greatest athlete ever who’s been arrested for sexual assault? Does he take the title from Iron Mike? I’ve been stuck on this for about 24 hours now. What about Jack Johnson? Does violating the Mann Act for bringing a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes count in this? And if you’re asking why J-Man immediately sent that to me, it’s because I was able to recount a Congressional Act from 1913 that impacted a boxer that same year off the top of my head.)
Chubb Rock stepped his game up by leaving me a text last night: “Shines has a Help Wanted: Irish Need not Apply sign.” You know, I do miss the West End sometimes. Not that lack of parking, or having douchebags at your bars, but for things like that.
Alright, that’s all I got for now.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Texas Toast
In this month’s episode of Texas Toast, we have two special guests joining me…(allowing time for a huge build up)…my parents (cue the lone trumpet playing the woh-woh sound). Unfortunately, Houston’s game 6 win prevented me from meeting up with Ron Artest down in Houston. I’m sure that would be fun trying to explain to a judge one day. “Mr Barney, you once drove your daughter four hours to meet a man who incited a brawl in a major arena. Why should I allow you any visitation rights?” I think my response would be something like, “In his defense your honor, it was a riot in Detroit. That’s like an everyday occurrence there.” Though with my parents, there is the potential for more awkwardness that comes from them being down here. The biggest question I have coming in is how my dad sneaks away to watch the Preakness. Alright, let’s get to the quotes.
“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.
“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…
“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!
We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.
“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.
“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.
“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.
“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.
For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.
“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.
“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…
“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!
We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.
“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.
“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.
“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.
“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.
For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Breaking News: Ron Artest is a National Treasure
Ron Ron's quote from the postgame after last night's victory:
"Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."
God bless that man. Going to Texas, so you know what that means...the return of Texas Toast. Plan you schedule accordingly.
"Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."
God bless that man. Going to Texas, so you know what that means...the return of Texas Toast. Plan you schedule accordingly.
Tyson Review
A few weeks ago I got some text messages from an upset Chubb Rock, letting me know how pissed he was that I didn’t tell him there was Mike Tyson documentary coming out. I was apparently his go to person for information of this type. As penance for that, I went to see it the first weekend it was here in the District and wrote a review. Good enough for you?
For those of you who haven’t seen the preview, it’s a very simple premise. Over the course of a few days, the director just put Mike Tyson in front of a camera and asked him to talk about his life. Interspersed in there are clips of Mike and him talking over it. Why no one thought of this before, I have no idea, but the result is exactly what you would imagine if Mike Tyson talked for an hour and a half straight.
After the Boys Will Be Boys book came out in the fall, the definitive account of the 1990s Cowboys, I put together a Top 7 list of sports books I wanted to see come out. After putting it together, I decided I didn’t like it enough to actually post. But the number one selection was a definitive Mike Tyson biography. I’m not sure how it is for other people, but growing up, Mike Tyson was that dude. For a few years, he was unquestionably the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Even better, he knew he was the baddest mother. And then, it all fell apart.
One of the reasons I wasn’t as excited about this movie as you would have thought is that in the end, it’s kind of depressing. You know how it’s going to end, and yet you still watch to see the details of the train wreck that you came to see. And part of you feels guilty for paying money to see the train wreck. The lesson learned from this is that you have a person with unbelievable physical gifts, but in the end, he doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to deal with it. And to be honest, I’m not sure how many of us would. Mike won the heavyweight title at 20 years old, back when the heavyweight title meant something. If I was a multimillionaire who came from nothing at age 20, who’s to say I wouldn’t have done the same stupid things. We see it all the time in Hollywood. Tyson’s story was the same, just on a much grander scale. The most poignant moment of the movie is when Mike talks about the leaches that sucked him dry. And then in a moment of reflection, he notes that at the same time, he let them suck him dry. (In a related note, in my mind, the most impressive thing about Lebron is how he hasn’t let this happen to him yet. Here you have a guy who’s been told he would be the best player since Jordan since he was 15-16 years old. And somehow, he’s not only lived up to it, but hasn’t had any incident outside of getting the Hummer his senior year of high school. And he’s done this in his de facto hometown with all his friends around. You can talk about Lebron’s physical skills all you want, but his emotional and mental maturity is the exact opposite of Tyson’s).
Ok, enough with the seriousness. You don’t tune in to the Barney Show for its sentimentality. Before we go, let’s get to some of the fun parts of Tyson:
Fun fact: Did you know that when Iron Mike became the youngest heavyweight champion of all time, he did so with a raging case of gonorrhea? He was too embarrassed to go to a doctor, so he fought through it.
Mike uses the term “skullduggery” multiple times. Yes, it’s as awesome as it sounds.
There’s also the several times where Mike talks about his sexuality. Fun times. Let’s just say anytime I see a female CEO in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about how Mike would like to meet her.
Probably the most hyped part of the movie is how he calls his rape accuser, “a vile swine of a woman.” He then goes on to say he didn’t rape her, but has taken advantage of women in the past. Way to contradict yourself out of my empathy.
Mike doesn’t really remember the Holyfield fights and talks about them as if they are an out of body experience (which should not surprise anyone). I forgot how Holyfield headbutted the shit out of Tyson in those fights.
Yes, they do show the knockouts. Just in case you were wondering if you would spend $10 to not see anyone get the knocked the f out, fear not. The knockout montages are as good as you think they would be.
This movie also has the best list of producers I’ve ever seen. Both Nas and Carmelo Anthony are listed as producers. Though I am disappointed that Melo didn’t give a stop snitchin to Mike’s accusers.
Finally, in The Hangover (out in June and which looks awesome by the way), Mike lip sync’s to Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight”. If this wasn’t a buddy comedy about a bachelor party in Vegas, I would recommend you see this for Mike alone. Now it’s mandatory viewing (and thus concludes my public service to keep my readers as informed about movies like this whenever possible).
For those of you who haven’t seen the preview, it’s a very simple premise. Over the course of a few days, the director just put Mike Tyson in front of a camera and asked him to talk about his life. Interspersed in there are clips of Mike and him talking over it. Why no one thought of this before, I have no idea, but the result is exactly what you would imagine if Mike Tyson talked for an hour and a half straight.
After the Boys Will Be Boys book came out in the fall, the definitive account of the 1990s Cowboys, I put together a Top 7 list of sports books I wanted to see come out. After putting it together, I decided I didn’t like it enough to actually post. But the number one selection was a definitive Mike Tyson biography. I’m not sure how it is for other people, but growing up, Mike Tyson was that dude. For a few years, he was unquestionably the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Even better, he knew he was the baddest mother. And then, it all fell apart.
One of the reasons I wasn’t as excited about this movie as you would have thought is that in the end, it’s kind of depressing. You know how it’s going to end, and yet you still watch to see the details of the train wreck that you came to see. And part of you feels guilty for paying money to see the train wreck. The lesson learned from this is that you have a person with unbelievable physical gifts, but in the end, he doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to deal with it. And to be honest, I’m not sure how many of us would. Mike won the heavyweight title at 20 years old, back when the heavyweight title meant something. If I was a multimillionaire who came from nothing at age 20, who’s to say I wouldn’t have done the same stupid things. We see it all the time in Hollywood. Tyson’s story was the same, just on a much grander scale. The most poignant moment of the movie is when Mike talks about the leaches that sucked him dry. And then in a moment of reflection, he notes that at the same time, he let them suck him dry. (In a related note, in my mind, the most impressive thing about Lebron is how he hasn’t let this happen to him yet. Here you have a guy who’s been told he would be the best player since Jordan since he was 15-16 years old. And somehow, he’s not only lived up to it, but hasn’t had any incident outside of getting the Hummer his senior year of high school. And he’s done this in his de facto hometown with all his friends around. You can talk about Lebron’s physical skills all you want, but his emotional and mental maturity is the exact opposite of Tyson’s).
Ok, enough with the seriousness. You don’t tune in to the Barney Show for its sentimentality. Before we go, let’s get to some of the fun parts of Tyson:
Fun fact: Did you know that when Iron Mike became the youngest heavyweight champion of all time, he did so with a raging case of gonorrhea? He was too embarrassed to go to a doctor, so he fought through it.
Mike uses the term “skullduggery” multiple times. Yes, it’s as awesome as it sounds.
There’s also the several times where Mike talks about his sexuality. Fun times. Let’s just say anytime I see a female CEO in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about how Mike would like to meet her.
Probably the most hyped part of the movie is how he calls his rape accuser, “a vile swine of a woman.” He then goes on to say he didn’t rape her, but has taken advantage of women in the past. Way to contradict yourself out of my empathy.
Mike doesn’t really remember the Holyfield fights and talks about them as if they are an out of body experience (which should not surprise anyone). I forgot how Holyfield headbutted the shit out of Tyson in those fights.
Yes, they do show the knockouts. Just in case you were wondering if you would spend $10 to not see anyone get the knocked the f out, fear not. The knockout montages are as good as you think they would be.
This movie also has the best list of producers I’ve ever seen. Both Nas and Carmelo Anthony are listed as producers. Though I am disappointed that Melo didn’t give a stop snitchin to Mike’s accusers.
Finally, in The Hangover (out in June and which looks awesome by the way), Mike lip sync’s to Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight”. If this wasn’t a buddy comedy about a bachelor party in Vegas, I would recommend you see this for Mike alone. Now it’s mandatory viewing (and thus concludes my public service to keep my readers as informed about movies like this whenever possible).
Your Blood Turns to What?
Editor’s Note: I swear I wrote this episode last week, prior to Gladwell and Simmons breaking this down in more detail. I finished it up on Friday but thanks to my new paranoia about posting at work, didn’t put it up until today. Why not post it over the weekend you ask? Well, I left my laptop at work because I was going out to happy hour and A) I hate lugging around a laptop all night and more importantly B) there’s a good chance I’m going to get obliterated and leave it at a bar. So it’s waited until now. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask my dad if I called him in February and said, “Kansas-Missouri is on CBS today. I’m looking forward to watching it because Missouri presses like crazy.” My biggest concern now is that my one definitive thing I would do if and when I decide I’m tired of working 12 hour days, saying “F it” and just going to coach high school ball is that now too many coaches know about this secret. I wasn’t concerned about the original piece because really, how many coaches read the New Yorker. But I assume many of them read Simmons.
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/11/090511fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
It’s not that often that I’ll ever link to something from The New Yorker (well la de da Mr. Fancy Pants) and even less likely I’ll be able to add something to a Malcolm Gladwell piece (The Tipping Point and Outliers were great. Blink was ok.), so I have to take advantage of it while I can.
If you don’t know, my high school basketball team employed a system similar to the one mentioned in this piece. We pressed the entire 32 minutes unless we were up by 25+ when we called of the dogs. In this time, we won 3 conference championships in my four years. My freshman year, I was on the JV, but the varsity actually had talented individuals, two which were recruited D1. They didn’t lose a regular season game and were top 10 in the NY metro region (which includes an area inhabited by about 12 million individuals). They ended up getting upset in the playoffs after one of their stars was suspended for stealing chicken from a supermarket (I’m not making that up). My sophomore year, I moved up to varsity to sit the bench, and even though we only returned one starter, we won the conference again. Junior year was a rebuilding year where we finished just a shade over .500. My senior year, starting one person over 6 feet, we won the conference championship again. And again we were upset in the playoffs because our power forward and only one with actual D1 potential was off his game because he spent a few days leading up to the game in county for being one of the first examples of tougher animal cruelty laws (Again, not making this up. He ordered his pitbull to kill a cat and spent time in lock up for it. He was Ookie before there was Ookie). Long story short, we won games because we pressed all game.
Gladwell emphasizes that this is a strategic thing in that opposing players are confused as to how they should attack this new defense. Yeah, once a year we’d get one of those teams that didn’t know what to do and we’d be up 25-4 at the quarter. For the most part though, by the time you get to high school, you should know how to break a basic press. Ours wasn’t that fancy, we just went to an area, guarded the person closest to us, and then denied them a clean entry pass. The same as the team in the article, we left the inbounder free and had our 5 man run back to protect a home run pass over the top. One they got the ball inbounds though, that’s where the fanciness stopped. All we were doing after you got it in was playing man to man full court. In the half court, it went to the very exotic “deny if they’re one pass away, if not, help like crazy” defense. So it’s not like we were reinventing the wheel here. And judging by the above stories about some of my teammates, I think this was about as much information that they could process.
How did we win games then? Because we just wore teams down. Our coach used to have a saying (we’ll get to some of his other saying later), “It’s like Mike Tyson used to say about people fighting him. Everyone has a plan, until they get hit.” You can game plan all you want for us. It will probably take you 15 minutes to establish one foolproof inbounds pass. But what you can’t simulate is having to work just to get the ball inbounds, then having to deal with a hand in your face walking the ball up and then get into some sort of offense for a full 32 minutes. I can’t tell you how many teams started off with no problems. 2nd half though, they started getting lazy. Point guards not wanting to bring the ball up and just wanting to get the ball out of their hands because they were tired. I remember one playoff game and just kicking our ass the first quarter. They were playing tough half court defense and we couldn’t get anything going. 2nd quarter, they switch to a zone. Why? I have no idea, but I’m assuming they realized they couldn’t play tough d and deal with our pressure all game. So they ended up giving back a 15 point lead or something like that. There was the other game where a team was up 10 with four minutes to go, our best player had fouled out, and yet we still one because the other team just stopped getting back on defense.
So where is this all going? My high school coach’s greatest one liners. We had to be the only team in history who enjoyed film sessions. Because it would just turn into a snap session half the time.
To the jacked up guy: “You know you go the big muscles, all strong. But when you go out there, you’re blood turns to pee pee.”
To question his teams commitment to basketball: “You know, we got guys not playing for a variety of reasons…failing classes…want to spend more time with their girl…(looking directly at the one kid who got grazed by a bullet in the head over the summer)...gettin’ shot in the head.”
For motivational tactics, he passed out a copy of the cover of a magazine magazine with a listing of All Americans his senior year. Wilt’s on the cover and he’s one of the other guys with a smaller picture: “Just to show you I used to be able to play back in the day and I’m not full of shit.”
After my first concussion in high school: (Holds up 5 fingers, except he had his ring finger amputated because of a football injury (think Ronnie Lott)) “How many fingers am I holding up?”Me: 5
Coach: “Nope, four and a half. You’re not playing tonight.”
Coach: (After a tough loss on a Friday night) “Ok, practice tomorrow at 8. Who can’t make it?”
Player: “Me coach.”
Coach: (pissed off) “Why not?”
Player: “My girl’s going into labor.”
Coach: “Oh ok. (without missing a beat) You gonna name him after me?”
The Mike Tyson line was a thing of pure genius because if there’s anything to make high school boys think they can conquer the world, comparing them to Mike Tyson will do it. Of course, you have the other side of the coin where they think it’s ok to steal chicken, kill cats and all of that. Ah well, a small price to pay.
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/11/090511fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
It’s not that often that I’ll ever link to something from The New Yorker (well la de da Mr. Fancy Pants) and even less likely I’ll be able to add something to a Malcolm Gladwell piece (The Tipping Point and Outliers were great. Blink was ok.), so I have to take advantage of it while I can.
If you don’t know, my high school basketball team employed a system similar to the one mentioned in this piece. We pressed the entire 32 minutes unless we were up by 25+ when we called of the dogs. In this time, we won 3 conference championships in my four years. My freshman year, I was on the JV, but the varsity actually had talented individuals, two which were recruited D1. They didn’t lose a regular season game and were top 10 in the NY metro region (which includes an area inhabited by about 12 million individuals). They ended up getting upset in the playoffs after one of their stars was suspended for stealing chicken from a supermarket (I’m not making that up). My sophomore year, I moved up to varsity to sit the bench, and even though we only returned one starter, we won the conference again. Junior year was a rebuilding year where we finished just a shade over .500. My senior year, starting one person over 6 feet, we won the conference championship again. And again we were upset in the playoffs because our power forward and only one with actual D1 potential was off his game because he spent a few days leading up to the game in county for being one of the first examples of tougher animal cruelty laws (Again, not making this up. He ordered his pitbull to kill a cat and spent time in lock up for it. He was Ookie before there was Ookie). Long story short, we won games because we pressed all game.
Gladwell emphasizes that this is a strategic thing in that opposing players are confused as to how they should attack this new defense. Yeah, once a year we’d get one of those teams that didn’t know what to do and we’d be up 25-4 at the quarter. For the most part though, by the time you get to high school, you should know how to break a basic press. Ours wasn’t that fancy, we just went to an area, guarded the person closest to us, and then denied them a clean entry pass. The same as the team in the article, we left the inbounder free and had our 5 man run back to protect a home run pass over the top. One they got the ball inbounds though, that’s where the fanciness stopped. All we were doing after you got it in was playing man to man full court. In the half court, it went to the very exotic “deny if they’re one pass away, if not, help like crazy” defense. So it’s not like we were reinventing the wheel here. And judging by the above stories about some of my teammates, I think this was about as much information that they could process.
How did we win games then? Because we just wore teams down. Our coach used to have a saying (we’ll get to some of his other saying later), “It’s like Mike Tyson used to say about people fighting him. Everyone has a plan, until they get hit.” You can game plan all you want for us. It will probably take you 15 minutes to establish one foolproof inbounds pass. But what you can’t simulate is having to work just to get the ball inbounds, then having to deal with a hand in your face walking the ball up and then get into some sort of offense for a full 32 minutes. I can’t tell you how many teams started off with no problems. 2nd half though, they started getting lazy. Point guards not wanting to bring the ball up and just wanting to get the ball out of their hands because they were tired. I remember one playoff game and just kicking our ass the first quarter. They were playing tough half court defense and we couldn’t get anything going. 2nd quarter, they switch to a zone. Why? I have no idea, but I’m assuming they realized they couldn’t play tough d and deal with our pressure all game. So they ended up giving back a 15 point lead or something like that. There was the other game where a team was up 10 with four minutes to go, our best player had fouled out, and yet we still one because the other team just stopped getting back on defense.
So where is this all going? My high school coach’s greatest one liners. We had to be the only team in history who enjoyed film sessions. Because it would just turn into a snap session half the time.
To the jacked up guy: “You know you go the big muscles, all strong. But when you go out there, you’re blood turns to pee pee.”
To question his teams commitment to basketball: “You know, we got guys not playing for a variety of reasons…failing classes…want to spend more time with their girl…(looking directly at the one kid who got grazed by a bullet in the head over the summer)...gettin’ shot in the head.”
For motivational tactics, he passed out a copy of the cover of a magazine magazine with a listing of All Americans his senior year. Wilt’s on the cover and he’s one of the other guys with a smaller picture: “Just to show you I used to be able to play back in the day and I’m not full of shit.”
After my first concussion in high school: (Holds up 5 fingers, except he had his ring finger amputated because of a football injury (think Ronnie Lott)) “How many fingers am I holding up?”Me: 5
Coach: “Nope, four and a half. You’re not playing tonight.”
Coach: (After a tough loss on a Friday night) “Ok, practice tomorrow at 8. Who can’t make it?”
Player: “Me coach.”
Coach: (pissed off) “Why not?”
Player: “My girl’s going into labor.”
Coach: “Oh ok. (without missing a beat) You gonna name him after me?”
The Mike Tyson line was a thing of pure genius because if there’s anything to make high school boys think they can conquer the world, comparing them to Mike Tyson will do it. Of course, you have the other side of the coin where they think it’s ok to steal chicken, kill cats and all of that. Ah well, a small price to pay.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Pancake-Bacon Debates
In this very special Barney Show interview, Brock changes his name to Bacon and gets in depth with Pancake on some of the pressing issues of the day. Highlights include what responsibilities G-20 nations have to the Third World, potential solutions to health care in this country, and what effect global warming may have on crop prices. Wait, we don’t talk about that? We discuss drafting women and funny hats? Oh ok, proceed then with a normal Barney Show Interview, this time, with more of a breakfast theme. We’re about 3 drinks away from Bacon asking a girl if she wants to be the eggs to complete our meal. I see that going over well. Probably not as bad as the time I ordered Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity completely straight faced at IHOP. Alright, enough breakfast related jokes. Questions please.
1. If you could pick one celebrity’s entourage to join, who’s would it be?
B. That’s a good question. There are a lot of celebrities whose posse I’d love to roll with. How do you classify this one? You can go with an athlete, but you have to be mindful of their schedule, workout regimen and menu. You want it to be someone that’s not just hot, but all time hot. You gotta go with someone who’s never lost their touch. Back in the day it coulda been Pacino/Hoffman. But they’ve grown and slowed and Hoffman is a family man now. I’m currently stuck between two in my head. I’m going for Jack Nicholson over Sean Penn because Penn has the kids to raise. Jack still seems to be quite the man around town. Oh, and if he was still alive, I’m totally rolling with Wilt Chamberlain. You know that when I get to heaven I’ma find his big lanky ass.
P: You mean besides Ron Artest? Ok, maybe not. When I come up with these questions, a lot of times its just so I can give an answer. This was one where I thought it was a great question, and had to do some actual thinking for it.
The first thing is that they have to have the ability to promise me I’m never going to have to work again. So that limits 95% of Hollywood because you drop one bomb, you’re career might go with it (If you asked me this in 2005 I would have said Colin Farrell, and look where that would have got me). Also gone, the NFL, you’re one bad knee injury from having your contract reworked. Another thing I factored in is that I’m going to get blindly drunk, so for my own safety, it won’t be a rapper. I can’t have a BAC of 0.3 and have gunshots going off. I thought about an NBA player, but I don’t think I can pull off the whole entourage suck up part. I’d probably tell them, “Yeah, Kobe did bust your ass tonight,” and I’d be out on the street. Jack Nicholson is a tremendous answer. Unfortunately, you need to have a certain amount of class to pull that off, and I don’t think I can do it. I’d be out of the crew after one drunken tirade. So who does that leave us? Alexander Ovechkin, that’s who. He has a $124 million guaranteed contract so money’s not an issue. An he’s Russian, he’s probably got 2-3 degenerate alcoholics in his crew. Also, he’s a crazy motherfucker (which seems to be a theme amongst Russians). I need a celebrity who’s going to take us to some next level story shit. And I don’t know enough about hockey to talk shit to him about it. And yes, I’m surprised as anyone that I chose a hockey player as well.
On another note, I’m still holding out hope that J-Man cures cancer before he gets his driver’s license, so I could be his driver. I would go all out with it and dress like a limo driver too. Though I’m fairly certain relying on me to be sober 24 hours a day on demand isn’t a good idea.
2. You’ve just bought your first Benz, Beemer, Bentley, whatever luxury car you want. What’s the first song you play in it?
B. This would be a changing thing for me as I say it depends who I’m with in said whip. If I’m with any combination of Morty, Twe or Miggy – I’m bumpin Four Horsemen by Metallica. ‘The horsemen are drawing nearer, we’ve come to take your life…’ If I’m with you I’m letting Brooklyn [We Go Hard] rock out, loud as possible. If I’m with a shorty it’s prolly gonna be All I Need with Mef n Mary. But if I’m rollin solo for Dolo, straight up big dog pitbull style…I’m taking Sky’s the Limit over Juicy. I used to end my radio shows with that joint. But Juicy is definitely number two. It’s tough to name just one. I could do a playlist better on this question – jerk…
P: I’ve thought way too much about this question. First, second, third and seventy fifth choice? Hypnotize. I’d try to go zero to sixty before the intro ends. Let’s just hope for safety’s sake I don’t try to recreate the video and drive backwards down the highway. Don’t put it past me though.
Even better, I’d have 4 girls in the back seat. One from NY in DKNY. Another from Miami and or DC in Versace. A Philly Ho in Moschino and a chick with a fatty in Coogi. I might drive backwards at that point because if I can ever recreate that, I might as well die right there because I maxed out my life.
Seventy sixth place? Weezy’s “Got Money”. Only if I get a drop top, and the dealership gave me cash back. I’d ask for the cash back in straight cash in singles, find one of my boys who’d be willing to wear a Top Hat and we’d roll down the highway pretending we’re Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain, throwing singles out the roof everytime the chorus hit.
3. Name your favorite college basketball teams to watch (not a program, a team from a specific year).
B: I don’t know if you’re goading me or yourself with this question. Again I can’t pick just one. There are too many of the UCLA teams that were great to pick just one. That 91-92 Duke squad with Laettner, Hurley and Hill is on the short list because Bobby Hurley was too drunk to play in the Final Four. Because I was impressionable at the time, the 93-94 Arkansas Razorbacks and their 40 minutes of hell. For the same reason, I throw the 96-97 Arizona Wildcats. Bibby and the Jet. Good times…good times. However, I put the 1999-2000 Cincinnatti Bearcats as my number one all time. Kenyon Martin was my dude that year. Satterfield, Logan, Mickeal, Johnson – that was also my favorite NCAA March Madness team of all time. I used to could run up the score on every squad in that game kid. Bonus points for Stevie Franchise being on the cover of that game.
P: Something tells me that I would have loved the 1990-91 UNLV teams but I was too young to actually know what’s going on. All I knew was that they beat teams badly and didn’t get any of the other “stuff” that they were doing. If the hot tub thing happened today, I would have written 4,000 words about it. Anyway, we’re just going off ones that I’ve actually seen play:
4th, mid 200s West Virginia: Pittnoggle alone would put this team into consideration but just the way they played in general was highly entertaining. This team was a second half collapse from going to the Final Four
3rd, late 90s St John’s: And not just because of the thought of Ron Artest in college. Don’t forget they had Eric Barkley and Bootsie Thorton. He was the best because my aunt was a St John’s alum and had a three year old son who would yell out Bootsie whenever they played. Then they all left and they brought in Omar Cook, who was part of a huge recruiting class. I saw him in his first game in the Garden where he seemed destined to be the next great NYC point god. Unfortunately, that was the high point of his career. He did however, have the world’s largest forehead. So that has to count for something.
2nd, late 1990s UNC: Ed Cota is my favorite college player of all time, and he teamed with Vince Carter and Jamison to go to two final fours. Plus they had the Serge Zwicker. Who doesn’t like 7 foot Dutchmen with a cool nickname (The Serge Protector). I remember when Cota threw it off the backboard against Duke and Dick Vitale’s head almost exploded. Downgraded because of the biggity bitch Carter became in the pros.
1st, Fab Five. Put it this way, after they came out, 10 year old Barney started rocking really baggy shorts and no socks. I must have looked absolutely ridiculous. These guys weren’t just basketball players, but rock stars. Gilbert Arenas would say, “They’re swag was phenomenal.”
4. What one liner from a movie/rap song/tv show would you give a kidney to be able to pull off just once flawlessly in real life?
B: Well first I’d like to state that I think I’m interpretating what it is that you’re looking for. You’re asking me what line I’d like to be able to use in real life. Like if I had a sworn enemy and I could say, ‘Plus I fucked yo’ bitch!’ So understand that’s what I think you mean with this question and I’m answering as such. This is still a really tough answer. How do you gauge this? Not everyone knows the same movies as me. So I’d end up, like in real life, making jokes to other people that are for you. Then I have to either call or text you so we can talk about an obscure reference when the other people who are physically in the room with me look at me like I’m retarded. In summation…I’d have to choose a line from Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. ‘Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room.’ I know it’s a little unexpected and most people haven’t seen the flick. But just to be in the war room would be awesome. Plus the paradox of this line is too good to pass up. I’m sure you were expecting ‘It was all a dream…’ or ‘Don’t ask me about my business, Kay.’ or ‘You think you big time? You gonna die big time!’
P: For me, it would have to be from The Departed, when Marky Mark responds to “Who the fuck are you?” with, “I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” I would love to pull that off in a meeting sometime. The other one I considered was, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me,” from Training Day. I think it would work best in a subtler way, where no one is expecting it and you ask yourself “Did he really just say what I think he said?” kind of way. Kind of like this:“Barney, that was a great presentation you gave the other day. The client is really impressed.”“Well Chuck, the rest of the team really pitched in and helped me out. But when it comes to describing the interface, King Kong ain’t got shit on me.”
I would like to say, “Your womb is so polluted”, but with my luck, the girl would actually have reproductive issues and I would have to deal with 2 hours of crying. The risk isn’t worth it.
(On a side note, the best one I’ve ever heard was in a summer league basketball game. I drove to the basket and got fouled. Another player on the other team started to complain to the ref that he didn’t think it was a foul. The guy who fouled me just goes, with the ref two feet away, “Yeah I did it, like the sick white boy the court committed.” Yes, that is Styles off of “Reservoir Dogs” (not the movie, the Jay Z track which samples the Shaft theme). I’m still in awe that someone could pull off a line like that.)
5. Rank the In My Lifetime volumes.
a. In reverse order…I put In My Lifetime, Vol. 1 last. The album starts well enough with the Intro/A Million... and the City is Mine, then it falls off. Streets is Watchin is a classic line, but the record is not as good. Rap Game-Crack Game loses points for straight up biting QB’s Finest. Though I do love the last two tracks on the album. Up next is Vol. 3, Life and Times of Shawn Carter. There are some good records, but Juvenile is on a Hov joint. WTF? Don’t get it twisted, I do like a couple of the records. After all it did give us Dame Dash’s Big Pimpin dance. It’s a grittier album for Jay, what with ‘There’s Been…’, ‘Come and Get Me’ and ‘Watch Me’ (with Dr. Dre). Top to bottom though it’s a very flawed collection though. Finally, I’m rolling with Vol 2., Hard Knock Life as my favorite. It put Jigga on tour and pushed the rap game to the next level, almost single handedly. As I recall it was the first major venue rap tour of this generation. Aside from that, the music is the best top to bottom of the three albums. ‘Take the bass line out…’ It introduced ‘I know they gon criticize the hook of this song.’ ‘Girls and guns. All I want. Stock Exchange. Rocks and things.’ Yea, this is my favorite of this set of albums. I’m going to go out on a limb and claim it has the best B-Sides of a post-Golden Era hip hop album. Am I to assume that you and I will be debating Blueprint albums when the third comes out? I’ll just go ahead and list it now – Blueprint 2, Blueprint 3, Blueprint 2.1 (because there were about 10 semi-decent tracks on BP2) and the Blueprint. Though I still don’t think that Blueprint is an all-time classic. Just because an album is a veritable hits machine, does not make it classic. See: Die Trying, Get Rich or
P: This is the flip side of the first question, where I ask it to get someone else’s opinion when I already have one. Basically, my main point is that I think Vol 2 is overrated. I’ve heard people say it’s a classic, when A) there’s way too many guest appearances and B) some of the beats don’t stand up to time. I think Jay is only by himself on two tracks on this album. Why the hell was Ja Rule on “Can I Get A…” ? He was awful. Also, Annie singing the first time is cool. Hearing that song for the 75th time? Not so much. So it’s a good album, but I don’t think it’s the quote unquote classic that people make it out to be.
After I asked this question I went back to Vol 1 and listened. My first reaction? “I forgot there was more to this album than what was on Streets is Watching.” I was going to put Vol 1 as my favorite but then realized that the song with Puffy and Lil Kim is truly a terrible song. If the album was only like 7 songs and they picked only the ones that were on Streets is Watching, I think I’d have a case. Now, I got nothing.
Vol 3, eh, I don’t feel like getting into it. There were some club bangers. And if Juvenile singing the hook was require so that Jay could rip the remix to “Ha”, then I’ll allow it. That was the first southern track to get major air play in NY and it was only when the remix came out.
Vol 1 and 2 even, vol 3 behind those two.
6. In the last interview we did, you talked about your love of Raquel Welch. The NFL Draft is coming up. If there was a draft of women, who would be your ideal “Day 2 Picks”? We’re not going to talk about the ones that will go early. We’re talking about who you don’t have to trade up to because you know they’ll be there in the later rounds. Basically, I’m asking who you think is hot that other people might not think about, but pulling in the NFL Draft to make it more fun.
B: You’re really not looking for me to be brief today are you? You’re looking for me to give you 1000+ words so you won’t feel like such a jackass. Well I’m calling you on it, jackass. Any rate, my sleepers include…Rachel McAdams because she’s a truly gifted actor and her looks get over-looked. Maya Rudolph because a sense of humor is so sexy. Mickie James because she could kick my ass but still retains her girl-next-door-ness. Rosie Perez because she’ll never be too old – include Tyra Banks in this category. Gabrielle Union because she should be the next Angela Bassett. Amanda Bynes because I remember watching her on All That back in the day and I still want to make sex all over her face. And I’m not sure if this selection would make many peoples’ first day or not, but Raven Symone because she’s the heir apparent to Oprah and I just love something about her. I think if you really want to get 1000 words from me, next time you should ask me what first day selections I disagree with. (I’m looking at you Megan Fox…)
P: I’m not going to lie, half the reason I want to do this is so I can introduce draft lexicon to chicks. I’m really hoping to make “Second Day Pick” a new phrase for not top grade talent. For example, someone asks, “She’s been checking you out. You should go see if you can hit that.” “Eh, she’s a second day pick. She’ll still be there in the later rounds. I need to keep flexibility. I might need that pick to trade up to get her (point to hotter chick).” Other phrases we can use: “Combine Product” to someone who looks great, but you think wouldn’t be all that great in bed. Conversely, “High Football IQ” to someone who doesn’t look that good, but would do some stuff you can’t imagine. You can throw wonderlic scores around girls that may not beat a box of rocks in Jeopardy. “Oh, he’s reaching with that pick.” (Note, I don’t think anyone reaches more than me). In fact, if I come up to you and say, “Who’s your friend? Darrius Heyward-Bey?” please take that as a hint and find someone else. I love drafts of any kind. Any way we can keep this going all year round is a good thing. The only downside is us going out and turning it into a Kiper-McShay throwdown and our entire night becomes a debate using draft lexicon at the bar.
Ok, my sleepers? I think I’d have to pick up Lindsay Lohan just so Floyd Banks can make a joke about it. This would be my Maurice Clarett to Denver in the 3rd round pick where I’m drafting off performance three years ago. Because I can definitely see it ending with a bottle of Grey Goose, a machete and an automatic weapons while avoiding four cop cars. For some reason, I have a thing for Kelly Clarkson, to the point that I watched 30 minutes of that awful movie she made after American Idol (in my defense, I was pretty drunk). Rachel Nichols from SportsCenter could catch it. And finally, Sue Bird. Though if things actually worked out with her, I’m sure the first thing my dad would say would be something along the lines of mocking me because I can’t beat my girlfriend in basketball. If this actually happened, I would read the rules thoroughly and see if I could pull a Celtics in ’78 with Bird and take Miley Cyrus and wait until she turns 18 to “sign her”. I’m getting that Hannah Montana money.
Also please note that Bacon completely missed the point about this because Rachel McAdams and Gabrielle Union are definite first round material. And I think Amanda Bynes could be as well (and if you got her early, I would give you props for that. I’m glad I’m not the only one who first thinks of All That). But I’m glad to know he appreciates Rachel McAdams’s acting. I’m guessing he’s basing it off of her performance in The Notebook. Though I would say that ripping the first day picks would be probably just as fun and probably more fun. Though if we’re going to do that, let’s go all out, dress up in ridiculous suits and call it the Hater’s Ball. We could put up posters of them and make jokes.
7. When people talk about great gangster movies, which one doesn’t get talked about when it should?
B: I’m going to assume you don’t mean to include the old Bogey films. So I’m going to skip shit like ‘Top of the world, ma!’ There are a few ways to look at this. While I consider myself an authority on this subject, as most others, there are tons of gangster movies from the Scorcese-era on, that I have not seen. Now, that I’ve tried to define the era I’m commenting on, I have to pick one. The one that I end up having to show people is King of New York. I’m high on that one, though that might only be because BIG went by the Black Frank White. I think that’s a high water mark for everyone in it NOT named Christopher Walken. I’m not claiming it’s the best piece of filmmaking ever. I just find it to be a highly entertaining flick with a good story and some good people in some well-written roles. So, all things considered, I’m going with KoNY as the movie that doesn’t get talked about when it should.
P: I came up with this question when I watched Blow a couple weeks ago. That is a good movie, yet with the exception of The Lox, I can’t remember any other rappers talk about it (and let’s be honest, when I wrote this question “people” means rappers. Commence Mad Real World “you people” references now). I guess because there’s not that much violence in it. But other than that, you have it all. Ok, some gratuitous nudity wouldn’t hurt either. But hell, Boston George damn near invented the cocaine trade in America. He broke up a Columbian drug lord wedding. You’re telling me that’s not gangsta enough? Another possible reason is that it stars Johnny Depp, who isn’t exactly Pacino, De Niro or Denzel when it comes to this genre.
And you learn valuable lessons in this. If you’re going to purchase drugs from some random Mexican farmers, bring $75 K instead of the promised $50 k. If you’re in front of a federal judge, quoting Johnny Cash is not a good idea (and how about Johnny Cash showing up in a gangta movie).
And yes, I would say that KONY should get consideration, but since Big took Frank White as a nickname, he alone more than makes up for it. The man made it ok to rock Coogi. Laurence Fishburn was tremendous in that movie.
8. Jordan had baseball. Dave Cowens drove a taxi cab. Kanye and Lil’ Wayne are both making non-rap music. What egotistical sabbatical from what you do well would you take?
B: You’re assuming that I do SOMETHING well? I thank you first and foremost for that. Second off, I think I’m working on my ‘sabbatical’ right now. Since I’m transitioning to acting and trying to make a career out of it, we’ll call that what I do well. I’m totally going to make pornos. Not as an actor – I don’t have the ‘build’ for it. But as a writer/director. If I could get the right people in there, I could make some hot shit. I already have an idea for a series. I could write some erotic storylines, with sexy dialogue. Then I could get behind the camera and show giant cock in a tight little twat. But shoot that shit in a way that’s never been done. Well, maybe it’s been done, but I’ll find a way to make it seem like something you haven’t seen before. My biggest concern is getting the right people to actually act in these films. It won’t work if Holly Humps delivers lines like Bill Shatner. I need believable talent. I could make great porn…
P: I see two possible ways I go off the deep end. The first is that I detach completely from society and become a hermit. Part of me would like to not have to listen to another person talk for a few months. Maybe pull a Brando and move to an island in the south Pacific for awhile. The other option is to sell everything I have, move to Vegas and go out Leaving Las Vegas style. Shopping carts full of booze, relationships with hookers, that sounds like a good time. Note that I don’t think you can have two more opposite answers than those two.
9. We’re both now single. What in your case is the best anecdote that sums up why? I’m not looking for a reason (i.e. in my case, I’m an alcoholic who works way too much with a 3 year old 1200 miles away) but a short story that any reasonable person would say, “You know what? I completely understand why he’s not with anyone.”
B: I have a reason and a story for you. The reason was, ‘You had all this fun in college and all these stories. I spent all my time chasing you.’ A story could be…you know how on Madden if you let the menu linger too long it’ll switch over to a demo game? I once stopped mid-coitus to watch the end of a Pats-Steelers demo game. Once my boys won, I pounded it like Peter North!
P: So one night we had a happy hour with some coworkers. Me and Matty Ice (Yes, his real name is Matt and I could have thought of a better Barney Show disguise name, but I’m calling him that to call BS on Matt Ryan for shaming all Irish Americans. That’s a gawd awful nickname. Don’t embrace it. You’re an NFL playoff quarterback not an intramural semifinal losing QB. Act like it.) left the bar after last call (this was 2 AM. We got there at 5 PM.) Looking back on it, I think Matty Ice had a stalker, because no one invited her and she showed up with her friends at this bar that we didn’t tell anyone we were going to. Though I do have my suspicions about Matty Ice’s integrity in these matters. Anyway, we go back to stalker’s apartment with her friends, and I tag along because hey, I just spent $350 at a bar, its 2 AM and what else do I have to do. (Ignore that entire pare if you’re looking for an anecdote. That was just the set up). So Matty Ice does what he has to do and I’m looking at this other girl who’s left with me. The night ends with me asleep on the couch (note not passed out traditionally) sitting upright with my head on the end of the sofa. I had the entire thing, yet chose to take 1/3 of it. I was asked, what happened? Why didn’t you get with her? My response, “Her name was Helen. I couldn’t get over the ‘You look like a Helen’ line.” So yes, Chris Farley lines have precedence over getting laid/relationship. Your move.
10. Finally, please tell a story from the night of November 22, 2008. Because I sure as shit don’t remember it
B: I wish I could say I remember it in the least, but I don’t. Not because I was so drunk, but because it was like 6 months ago now. Alas, I’ll piecemeal it together for us. Did we go to dinner that night? I know the night before, we went to OutBack and I told everyone I was a doctor. Yet, there I am wearing a Wu Tang t-shirt with my Yankee fitted on crooked. I doubt anyone believed me but we told them you were my professor because you were rocking the suit. Now, as per the night of the 22nd. I know we were out watching the football game (OU-Tex?) at the sports bar on the giant screen. Then we made rounds to a strip club – with no lap dances, I might add – then a bar/club where I passed on the Hen-Rock shots and you proceeded to black out. We were there and I was getting down when Billie Jean came on. I started using my fedora as a prop and it was awesome. So there I am being a complete tool when I hear a noise from behind me. I turn around and there you are face down on the floor. I don’t know how or why you fell but you knocked some bitches and their drinks over. Then I carried you to the subway where you immediately passed out and I went about making friends. I know I was talking to some random people. I don’t know how it started but I talked to them almost the whole way home. That’s not a good story. Me telling everyone I was a doctor the night before while wearing a Wu Tang T-shirt and my AAA card that says Dr. as my only identification is a great way to sum up that night. And probably a good answer question nine too…
P: We were a class act that weekend. You in your Wu Tang shirt and Fedora. Me rocking the boom box t with a jacket over it. The only thing I remember after leaving the strip club was buying two shots of Henn Rock without asking you and you not wanting one, so I had both of them. After that, it’s lights out. You telling everyone you were a doctor was fun though. If I recall you said you specialized in microtechnology, but then couldn’t explain what it was except that it involved “small things”. I’m glad you’re putting that engineering degree to work.
Well, there you have it. 5,000 words later, and you’re stupider for having read this. Who’s the winner now?
1. If you could pick one celebrity’s entourage to join, who’s would it be?
B. That’s a good question. There are a lot of celebrities whose posse I’d love to roll with. How do you classify this one? You can go with an athlete, but you have to be mindful of their schedule, workout regimen and menu. You want it to be someone that’s not just hot, but all time hot. You gotta go with someone who’s never lost their touch. Back in the day it coulda been Pacino/Hoffman. But they’ve grown and slowed and Hoffman is a family man now. I’m currently stuck between two in my head. I’m going for Jack Nicholson over Sean Penn because Penn has the kids to raise. Jack still seems to be quite the man around town. Oh, and if he was still alive, I’m totally rolling with Wilt Chamberlain. You know that when I get to heaven I’ma find his big lanky ass.
P: You mean besides Ron Artest? Ok, maybe not. When I come up with these questions, a lot of times its just so I can give an answer. This was one where I thought it was a great question, and had to do some actual thinking for it.
The first thing is that they have to have the ability to promise me I’m never going to have to work again. So that limits 95% of Hollywood because you drop one bomb, you’re career might go with it (If you asked me this in 2005 I would have said Colin Farrell, and look where that would have got me). Also gone, the NFL, you’re one bad knee injury from having your contract reworked. Another thing I factored in is that I’m going to get blindly drunk, so for my own safety, it won’t be a rapper. I can’t have a BAC of 0.3 and have gunshots going off. I thought about an NBA player, but I don’t think I can pull off the whole entourage suck up part. I’d probably tell them, “Yeah, Kobe did bust your ass tonight,” and I’d be out on the street. Jack Nicholson is a tremendous answer. Unfortunately, you need to have a certain amount of class to pull that off, and I don’t think I can do it. I’d be out of the crew after one drunken tirade. So who does that leave us? Alexander Ovechkin, that’s who. He has a $124 million guaranteed contract so money’s not an issue. An he’s Russian, he’s probably got 2-3 degenerate alcoholics in his crew. Also, he’s a crazy motherfucker (which seems to be a theme amongst Russians). I need a celebrity who’s going to take us to some next level story shit. And I don’t know enough about hockey to talk shit to him about it. And yes, I’m surprised as anyone that I chose a hockey player as well.
On another note, I’m still holding out hope that J-Man cures cancer before he gets his driver’s license, so I could be his driver. I would go all out with it and dress like a limo driver too. Though I’m fairly certain relying on me to be sober 24 hours a day on demand isn’t a good idea.
2. You’ve just bought your first Benz, Beemer, Bentley, whatever luxury car you want. What’s the first song you play in it?
B. This would be a changing thing for me as I say it depends who I’m with in said whip. If I’m with any combination of Morty, Twe or Miggy – I’m bumpin Four Horsemen by Metallica. ‘The horsemen are drawing nearer, we’ve come to take your life…’ If I’m with you I’m letting Brooklyn [We Go Hard] rock out, loud as possible. If I’m with a shorty it’s prolly gonna be All I Need with Mef n Mary. But if I’m rollin solo for Dolo, straight up big dog pitbull style…I’m taking Sky’s the Limit over Juicy. I used to end my radio shows with that joint. But Juicy is definitely number two. It’s tough to name just one. I could do a playlist better on this question – jerk…
P: I’ve thought way too much about this question. First, second, third and seventy fifth choice? Hypnotize. I’d try to go zero to sixty before the intro ends. Let’s just hope for safety’s sake I don’t try to recreate the video and drive backwards down the highway. Don’t put it past me though.
Even better, I’d have 4 girls in the back seat. One from NY in DKNY. Another from Miami and or DC in Versace. A Philly Ho in Moschino and a chick with a fatty in Coogi. I might drive backwards at that point because if I can ever recreate that, I might as well die right there because I maxed out my life.
Seventy sixth place? Weezy’s “Got Money”. Only if I get a drop top, and the dealership gave me cash back. I’d ask for the cash back in straight cash in singles, find one of my boys who’d be willing to wear a Top Hat and we’d roll down the highway pretending we’re Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain, throwing singles out the roof everytime the chorus hit.
3. Name your favorite college basketball teams to watch (not a program, a team from a specific year).
B: I don’t know if you’re goading me or yourself with this question. Again I can’t pick just one. There are too many of the UCLA teams that were great to pick just one. That 91-92 Duke squad with Laettner, Hurley and Hill is on the short list because Bobby Hurley was too drunk to play in the Final Four. Because I was impressionable at the time, the 93-94 Arkansas Razorbacks and their 40 minutes of hell. For the same reason, I throw the 96-97 Arizona Wildcats. Bibby and the Jet. Good times…good times. However, I put the 1999-2000 Cincinnatti Bearcats as my number one all time. Kenyon Martin was my dude that year. Satterfield, Logan, Mickeal, Johnson – that was also my favorite NCAA March Madness team of all time. I used to could run up the score on every squad in that game kid. Bonus points for Stevie Franchise being on the cover of that game.
P: Something tells me that I would have loved the 1990-91 UNLV teams but I was too young to actually know what’s going on. All I knew was that they beat teams badly and didn’t get any of the other “stuff” that they were doing. If the hot tub thing happened today, I would have written 4,000 words about it. Anyway, we’re just going off ones that I’ve actually seen play:
4th, mid 200s West Virginia: Pittnoggle alone would put this team into consideration but just the way they played in general was highly entertaining. This team was a second half collapse from going to the Final Four
3rd, late 90s St John’s: And not just because of the thought of Ron Artest in college. Don’t forget they had Eric Barkley and Bootsie Thorton. He was the best because my aunt was a St John’s alum and had a three year old son who would yell out Bootsie whenever they played. Then they all left and they brought in Omar Cook, who was part of a huge recruiting class. I saw him in his first game in the Garden where he seemed destined to be the next great NYC point god. Unfortunately, that was the high point of his career. He did however, have the world’s largest forehead. So that has to count for something.
2nd, late 1990s UNC: Ed Cota is my favorite college player of all time, and he teamed with Vince Carter and Jamison to go to two final fours. Plus they had the Serge Zwicker. Who doesn’t like 7 foot Dutchmen with a cool nickname (The Serge Protector). I remember when Cota threw it off the backboard against Duke and Dick Vitale’s head almost exploded. Downgraded because of the biggity bitch Carter became in the pros.
1st, Fab Five. Put it this way, after they came out, 10 year old Barney started rocking really baggy shorts and no socks. I must have looked absolutely ridiculous. These guys weren’t just basketball players, but rock stars. Gilbert Arenas would say, “They’re swag was phenomenal.”
4. What one liner from a movie/rap song/tv show would you give a kidney to be able to pull off just once flawlessly in real life?
B: Well first I’d like to state that I think I’m interpretating what it is that you’re looking for. You’re asking me what line I’d like to be able to use in real life. Like if I had a sworn enemy and I could say, ‘Plus I fucked yo’ bitch!’ So understand that’s what I think you mean with this question and I’m answering as such. This is still a really tough answer. How do you gauge this? Not everyone knows the same movies as me. So I’d end up, like in real life, making jokes to other people that are for you. Then I have to either call or text you so we can talk about an obscure reference when the other people who are physically in the room with me look at me like I’m retarded. In summation…I’d have to choose a line from Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. ‘Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room.’ I know it’s a little unexpected and most people haven’t seen the flick. But just to be in the war room would be awesome. Plus the paradox of this line is too good to pass up. I’m sure you were expecting ‘It was all a dream…’ or ‘Don’t ask me about my business, Kay.’ or ‘You think you big time? You gonna die big time!’
P: For me, it would have to be from The Departed, when Marky Mark responds to “Who the fuck are you?” with, “I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” I would love to pull that off in a meeting sometime. The other one I considered was, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me,” from Training Day. I think it would work best in a subtler way, where no one is expecting it and you ask yourself “Did he really just say what I think he said?” kind of way. Kind of like this:“Barney, that was a great presentation you gave the other day. The client is really impressed.”“Well Chuck, the rest of the team really pitched in and helped me out. But when it comes to describing the interface, King Kong ain’t got shit on me.”
I would like to say, “Your womb is so polluted”, but with my luck, the girl would actually have reproductive issues and I would have to deal with 2 hours of crying. The risk isn’t worth it.
(On a side note, the best one I’ve ever heard was in a summer league basketball game. I drove to the basket and got fouled. Another player on the other team started to complain to the ref that he didn’t think it was a foul. The guy who fouled me just goes, with the ref two feet away, “Yeah I did it, like the sick white boy the court committed.” Yes, that is Styles off of “Reservoir Dogs” (not the movie, the Jay Z track which samples the Shaft theme). I’m still in awe that someone could pull off a line like that.)
5. Rank the In My Lifetime volumes.
a. In reverse order…I put In My Lifetime, Vol. 1 last. The album starts well enough with the Intro/A Million... and the City is Mine, then it falls off. Streets is Watchin is a classic line, but the record is not as good. Rap Game-Crack Game loses points for straight up biting QB’s Finest. Though I do love the last two tracks on the album. Up next is Vol. 3, Life and Times of Shawn Carter. There are some good records, but Juvenile is on a Hov joint. WTF? Don’t get it twisted, I do like a couple of the records. After all it did give us Dame Dash’s Big Pimpin dance. It’s a grittier album for Jay, what with ‘There’s Been…’, ‘Come and Get Me’ and ‘Watch Me’ (with Dr. Dre). Top to bottom though it’s a very flawed collection though. Finally, I’m rolling with Vol 2., Hard Knock Life as my favorite. It put Jigga on tour and pushed the rap game to the next level, almost single handedly. As I recall it was the first major venue rap tour of this generation. Aside from that, the music is the best top to bottom of the three albums. ‘Take the bass line out…’ It introduced ‘I know they gon criticize the hook of this song.’ ‘Girls and guns. All I want. Stock Exchange. Rocks and things.’ Yea, this is my favorite of this set of albums. I’m going to go out on a limb and claim it has the best B-Sides of a post-Golden Era hip hop album. Am I to assume that you and I will be debating Blueprint albums when the third comes out? I’ll just go ahead and list it now – Blueprint 2, Blueprint 3, Blueprint 2.1 (because there were about 10 semi-decent tracks on BP2) and the Blueprint. Though I still don’t think that Blueprint is an all-time classic. Just because an album is a veritable hits machine, does not make it classic. See: Die Trying, Get Rich or
P: This is the flip side of the first question, where I ask it to get someone else’s opinion when I already have one. Basically, my main point is that I think Vol 2 is overrated. I’ve heard people say it’s a classic, when A) there’s way too many guest appearances and B) some of the beats don’t stand up to time. I think Jay is only by himself on two tracks on this album. Why the hell was Ja Rule on “Can I Get A…” ? He was awful. Also, Annie singing the first time is cool. Hearing that song for the 75th time? Not so much. So it’s a good album, but I don’t think it’s the quote unquote classic that people make it out to be.
After I asked this question I went back to Vol 1 and listened. My first reaction? “I forgot there was more to this album than what was on Streets is Watching.” I was going to put Vol 1 as my favorite but then realized that the song with Puffy and Lil Kim is truly a terrible song. If the album was only like 7 songs and they picked only the ones that were on Streets is Watching, I think I’d have a case. Now, I got nothing.
Vol 3, eh, I don’t feel like getting into it. There were some club bangers. And if Juvenile singing the hook was require so that Jay could rip the remix to “Ha”, then I’ll allow it. That was the first southern track to get major air play in NY and it was only when the remix came out.
Vol 1 and 2 even, vol 3 behind those two.
6. In the last interview we did, you talked about your love of Raquel Welch. The NFL Draft is coming up. If there was a draft of women, who would be your ideal “Day 2 Picks”? We’re not going to talk about the ones that will go early. We’re talking about who you don’t have to trade up to because you know they’ll be there in the later rounds. Basically, I’m asking who you think is hot that other people might not think about, but pulling in the NFL Draft to make it more fun.
B: You’re really not looking for me to be brief today are you? You’re looking for me to give you 1000+ words so you won’t feel like such a jackass. Well I’m calling you on it, jackass. Any rate, my sleepers include…Rachel McAdams because she’s a truly gifted actor and her looks get over-looked. Maya Rudolph because a sense of humor is so sexy. Mickie James because she could kick my ass but still retains her girl-next-door-ness. Rosie Perez because she’ll never be too old – include Tyra Banks in this category. Gabrielle Union because she should be the next Angela Bassett. Amanda Bynes because I remember watching her on All That back in the day and I still want to make sex all over her face. And I’m not sure if this selection would make many peoples’ first day or not, but Raven Symone because she’s the heir apparent to Oprah and I just love something about her. I think if you really want to get 1000 words from me, next time you should ask me what first day selections I disagree with. (I’m looking at you Megan Fox…)
P: I’m not going to lie, half the reason I want to do this is so I can introduce draft lexicon to chicks. I’m really hoping to make “Second Day Pick” a new phrase for not top grade talent. For example, someone asks, “She’s been checking you out. You should go see if you can hit that.” “Eh, she’s a second day pick. She’ll still be there in the later rounds. I need to keep flexibility. I might need that pick to trade up to get her (point to hotter chick).” Other phrases we can use: “Combine Product” to someone who looks great, but you think wouldn’t be all that great in bed. Conversely, “High Football IQ” to someone who doesn’t look that good, but would do some stuff you can’t imagine. You can throw wonderlic scores around girls that may not beat a box of rocks in Jeopardy. “Oh, he’s reaching with that pick.” (Note, I don’t think anyone reaches more than me). In fact, if I come up to you and say, “Who’s your friend? Darrius Heyward-Bey?” please take that as a hint and find someone else. I love drafts of any kind. Any way we can keep this going all year round is a good thing. The only downside is us going out and turning it into a Kiper-McShay throwdown and our entire night becomes a debate using draft lexicon at the bar.
Ok, my sleepers? I think I’d have to pick up Lindsay Lohan just so Floyd Banks can make a joke about it. This would be my Maurice Clarett to Denver in the 3rd round pick where I’m drafting off performance three years ago. Because I can definitely see it ending with a bottle of Grey Goose, a machete and an automatic weapons while avoiding four cop cars. For some reason, I have a thing for Kelly Clarkson, to the point that I watched 30 minutes of that awful movie she made after American Idol (in my defense, I was pretty drunk). Rachel Nichols from SportsCenter could catch it. And finally, Sue Bird. Though if things actually worked out with her, I’m sure the first thing my dad would say would be something along the lines of mocking me because I can’t beat my girlfriend in basketball. If this actually happened, I would read the rules thoroughly and see if I could pull a Celtics in ’78 with Bird and take Miley Cyrus and wait until she turns 18 to “sign her”. I’m getting that Hannah Montana money.
Also please note that Bacon completely missed the point about this because Rachel McAdams and Gabrielle Union are definite first round material. And I think Amanda Bynes could be as well (and if you got her early, I would give you props for that. I’m glad I’m not the only one who first thinks of All That). But I’m glad to know he appreciates Rachel McAdams’s acting. I’m guessing he’s basing it off of her performance in The Notebook. Though I would say that ripping the first day picks would be probably just as fun and probably more fun. Though if we’re going to do that, let’s go all out, dress up in ridiculous suits and call it the Hater’s Ball. We could put up posters of them and make jokes.
7. When people talk about great gangster movies, which one doesn’t get talked about when it should?
B: I’m going to assume you don’t mean to include the old Bogey films. So I’m going to skip shit like ‘Top of the world, ma!’ There are a few ways to look at this. While I consider myself an authority on this subject, as most others, there are tons of gangster movies from the Scorcese-era on, that I have not seen. Now, that I’ve tried to define the era I’m commenting on, I have to pick one. The one that I end up having to show people is King of New York. I’m high on that one, though that might only be because BIG went by the Black Frank White. I think that’s a high water mark for everyone in it NOT named Christopher Walken. I’m not claiming it’s the best piece of filmmaking ever. I just find it to be a highly entertaining flick with a good story and some good people in some well-written roles. So, all things considered, I’m going with KoNY as the movie that doesn’t get talked about when it should.
P: I came up with this question when I watched Blow a couple weeks ago. That is a good movie, yet with the exception of The Lox, I can’t remember any other rappers talk about it (and let’s be honest, when I wrote this question “people” means rappers. Commence Mad Real World “you people” references now). I guess because there’s not that much violence in it. But other than that, you have it all. Ok, some gratuitous nudity wouldn’t hurt either. But hell, Boston George damn near invented the cocaine trade in America. He broke up a Columbian drug lord wedding. You’re telling me that’s not gangsta enough? Another possible reason is that it stars Johnny Depp, who isn’t exactly Pacino, De Niro or Denzel when it comes to this genre.
And you learn valuable lessons in this. If you’re going to purchase drugs from some random Mexican farmers, bring $75 K instead of the promised $50 k. If you’re in front of a federal judge, quoting Johnny Cash is not a good idea (and how about Johnny Cash showing up in a gangta movie).
And yes, I would say that KONY should get consideration, but since Big took Frank White as a nickname, he alone more than makes up for it. The man made it ok to rock Coogi. Laurence Fishburn was tremendous in that movie.
8. Jordan had baseball. Dave Cowens drove a taxi cab. Kanye and Lil’ Wayne are both making non-rap music. What egotistical sabbatical from what you do well would you take?
B: You’re assuming that I do SOMETHING well? I thank you first and foremost for that. Second off, I think I’m working on my ‘sabbatical’ right now. Since I’m transitioning to acting and trying to make a career out of it, we’ll call that what I do well. I’m totally going to make pornos. Not as an actor – I don’t have the ‘build’ for it. But as a writer/director. If I could get the right people in there, I could make some hot shit. I already have an idea for a series. I could write some erotic storylines, with sexy dialogue. Then I could get behind the camera and show giant cock in a tight little twat. But shoot that shit in a way that’s never been done. Well, maybe it’s been done, but I’ll find a way to make it seem like something you haven’t seen before. My biggest concern is getting the right people to actually act in these films. It won’t work if Holly Humps delivers lines like Bill Shatner. I need believable talent. I could make great porn…
P: I see two possible ways I go off the deep end. The first is that I detach completely from society and become a hermit. Part of me would like to not have to listen to another person talk for a few months. Maybe pull a Brando and move to an island in the south Pacific for awhile. The other option is to sell everything I have, move to Vegas and go out Leaving Las Vegas style. Shopping carts full of booze, relationships with hookers, that sounds like a good time. Note that I don’t think you can have two more opposite answers than those two.
9. We’re both now single. What in your case is the best anecdote that sums up why? I’m not looking for a reason (i.e. in my case, I’m an alcoholic who works way too much with a 3 year old 1200 miles away) but a short story that any reasonable person would say, “You know what? I completely understand why he’s not with anyone.”
B: I have a reason and a story for you. The reason was, ‘You had all this fun in college and all these stories. I spent all my time chasing you.’ A story could be…you know how on Madden if you let the menu linger too long it’ll switch over to a demo game? I once stopped mid-coitus to watch the end of a Pats-Steelers demo game. Once my boys won, I pounded it like Peter North!
P: So one night we had a happy hour with some coworkers. Me and Matty Ice (Yes, his real name is Matt and I could have thought of a better Barney Show disguise name, but I’m calling him that to call BS on Matt Ryan for shaming all Irish Americans. That’s a gawd awful nickname. Don’t embrace it. You’re an NFL playoff quarterback not an intramural semifinal losing QB. Act like it.) left the bar after last call (this was 2 AM. We got there at 5 PM.) Looking back on it, I think Matty Ice had a stalker, because no one invited her and she showed up with her friends at this bar that we didn’t tell anyone we were going to. Though I do have my suspicions about Matty Ice’s integrity in these matters. Anyway, we go back to stalker’s apartment with her friends, and I tag along because hey, I just spent $350 at a bar, its 2 AM and what else do I have to do. (Ignore that entire pare if you’re looking for an anecdote. That was just the set up). So Matty Ice does what he has to do and I’m looking at this other girl who’s left with me. The night ends with me asleep on the couch (note not passed out traditionally) sitting upright with my head on the end of the sofa. I had the entire thing, yet chose to take 1/3 of it. I was asked, what happened? Why didn’t you get with her? My response, “Her name was Helen. I couldn’t get over the ‘You look like a Helen’ line.” So yes, Chris Farley lines have precedence over getting laid/relationship. Your move.
10. Finally, please tell a story from the night of November 22, 2008. Because I sure as shit don’t remember it
B: I wish I could say I remember it in the least, but I don’t. Not because I was so drunk, but because it was like 6 months ago now. Alas, I’ll piecemeal it together for us. Did we go to dinner that night? I know the night before, we went to OutBack and I told everyone I was a doctor. Yet, there I am wearing a Wu Tang t-shirt with my Yankee fitted on crooked. I doubt anyone believed me but we told them you were my professor because you were rocking the suit. Now, as per the night of the 22nd. I know we were out watching the football game (OU-Tex?) at the sports bar on the giant screen. Then we made rounds to a strip club – with no lap dances, I might add – then a bar/club where I passed on the Hen-Rock shots and you proceeded to black out. We were there and I was getting down when Billie Jean came on. I started using my fedora as a prop and it was awesome. So there I am being a complete tool when I hear a noise from behind me. I turn around and there you are face down on the floor. I don’t know how or why you fell but you knocked some bitches and their drinks over. Then I carried you to the subway where you immediately passed out and I went about making friends. I know I was talking to some random people. I don’t know how it started but I talked to them almost the whole way home. That’s not a good story. Me telling everyone I was a doctor the night before while wearing a Wu Tang T-shirt and my AAA card that says Dr. as my only identification is a great way to sum up that night. And probably a good answer question nine too…
P: We were a class act that weekend. You in your Wu Tang shirt and Fedora. Me rocking the boom box t with a jacket over it. The only thing I remember after leaving the strip club was buying two shots of Henn Rock without asking you and you not wanting one, so I had both of them. After that, it’s lights out. You telling everyone you were a doctor was fun though. If I recall you said you specialized in microtechnology, but then couldn’t explain what it was except that it involved “small things”. I’m glad you’re putting that engineering degree to work.
Well, there you have it. 5,000 words later, and you’re stupider for having read this. Who’s the winner now?
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