Texas Toast

In this month’s episode of Texas Toast, we have two special guests joining me…(allowing time for a huge build up)…my parents (cue the lone trumpet playing the woh-woh sound). Unfortunately, Houston’s game 6 win prevented me from meeting up with Ron Artest down in Houston. I’m sure that would be fun trying to explain to a judge one day. “Mr Barney, you once drove your daughter four hours to meet a man who incited a brawl in a major arena. Why should I allow you any visitation rights?” I think my response would be something like, “In his defense your honor, it was a riot in Detroit. That’s like an everyday occurrence there.” Though with my parents, there is the potential for more awkwardness that comes from them being down here. The biggest question I have coming in is how my dad sneaks away to watch the Preakness. Alright, let’s get to the quotes.

“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.

“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…

“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!

We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.

“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.

“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.

“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.

“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.

For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.