The Pancake-Bacon Debates

In this very special Barney Show interview, Brock changes his name to Bacon and gets in depth with Pancake on some of the pressing issues of the day. Highlights include what responsibilities G-20 nations have to the Third World, potential solutions to health care in this country, and what effect global warming may have on crop prices. Wait, we don’t talk about that? We discuss drafting women and funny hats? Oh ok, proceed then with a normal Barney Show Interview, this time, with more of a breakfast theme. We’re about 3 drinks away from Bacon asking a girl if she wants to be the eggs to complete our meal. I see that going over well. Probably not as bad as the time I ordered Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity completely straight faced at IHOP. Alright, enough breakfast related jokes. Questions please.

1. If you could pick one celebrity’s entourage to join, who’s would it be?
B. That’s a good question. There are a lot of celebrities whose posse I’d love to roll with. How do you classify this one? You can go with an athlete, but you have to be mindful of their schedule, workout regimen and menu. You want it to be someone that’s not just hot, but all time hot. You gotta go with someone who’s never lost their touch. Back in the day it coulda been Pacino/Hoffman. But they’ve grown and slowed and Hoffman is a family man now. I’m currently stuck between two in my head. I’m going for Jack Nicholson over Sean Penn because Penn has the kids to raise. Jack still seems to be quite the man around town. Oh, and if he was still alive, I’m totally rolling with Wilt Chamberlain. You know that when I get to heaven I’ma find his big lanky ass.
P: You mean besides Ron Artest? Ok, maybe not. When I come up with these questions, a lot of times its just so I can give an answer. This was one where I thought it was a great question, and had to do some actual thinking for it.
The first thing is that they have to have the ability to promise me I’m never going to have to work again. So that limits 95% of Hollywood because you drop one bomb, you’re career might go with it (If you asked me this in 2005 I would have said Colin Farrell, and look where that would have got me). Also gone, the NFL, you’re one bad knee injury from having your contract reworked. Another thing I factored in is that I’m going to get blindly drunk, so for my own safety, it won’t be a rapper. I can’t have a BAC of 0.3 and have gunshots going off. I thought about an NBA player, but I don’t think I can pull off the whole entourage suck up part. I’d probably tell them, “Yeah, Kobe did bust your ass tonight,” and I’d be out on the street. Jack Nicholson is a tremendous answer. Unfortunately, you need to have a certain amount of class to pull that off, and I don’t think I can do it. I’d be out of the crew after one drunken tirade. So who does that leave us? Alexander Ovechkin, that’s who. He has a $124 million guaranteed contract so money’s not an issue. An he’s Russian, he’s probably got 2-3 degenerate alcoholics in his crew. Also, he’s a crazy motherfucker (which seems to be a theme amongst Russians). I need a celebrity who’s going to take us to some next level story shit. And I don’t know enough about hockey to talk shit to him about it. And yes, I’m surprised as anyone that I chose a hockey player as well.
On another note, I’m still holding out hope that J-Man cures cancer before he gets his driver’s license, so I could be his driver. I would go all out with it and dress like a limo driver too. Though I’m fairly certain relying on me to be sober 24 hours a day on demand isn’t a good idea.

2. You’ve just bought your first Benz, Beemer, Bentley, whatever luxury car you want. What’s the first song you play in it?
B. This would be a changing thing for me as I say it depends who I’m with in said whip. If I’m with any combination of Morty, Twe or Miggy – I’m bumpin Four Horsemen by Metallica. ‘The horsemen are drawing nearer, we’ve come to take your life…’ If I’m with you I’m letting Brooklyn [We Go Hard] rock out, loud as possible. If I’m with a shorty it’s prolly gonna be All I Need with Mef n Mary. But if I’m rollin solo for Dolo, straight up big dog pitbull style…I’m taking Sky’s the Limit over Juicy. I used to end my radio shows with that joint. But Juicy is definitely number two. It’s tough to name just one. I could do a playlist better on this question – jerk…
P: I’ve thought way too much about this question. First, second, third and seventy fifth choice? Hypnotize. I’d try to go zero to sixty before the intro ends. Let’s just hope for safety’s sake I don’t try to recreate the video and drive backwards down the highway. Don’t put it past me though.
Even better, I’d have 4 girls in the back seat. One from NY in DKNY. Another from Miami and or DC in Versace. A Philly Ho in Moschino and a chick with a fatty in Coogi. I might drive backwards at that point because if I can ever recreate that, I might as well die right there because I maxed out my life.
Seventy sixth place? Weezy’s “Got Money”. Only if I get a drop top, and the dealership gave me cash back. I’d ask for the cash back in straight cash in singles, find one of my boys who’d be willing to wear a Top Hat and we’d roll down the highway pretending we’re Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain, throwing singles out the roof everytime the chorus hit.

3. Name your favorite college basketball teams to watch (not a program, a team from a specific year).
B: I don’t know if you’re goading me or yourself with this question. Again I can’t pick just one. There are too many of the UCLA teams that were great to pick just one. That 91-92 Duke squad with Laettner, Hurley and Hill is on the short list because Bobby Hurley was too drunk to play in the Final Four. Because I was impressionable at the time, the 93-94 Arkansas Razorbacks and their 40 minutes of hell. For the same reason, I throw the 96-97 Arizona Wildcats. Bibby and the Jet. Good times…good times. However, I put the 1999-2000 Cincinnatti Bearcats as my number one all time. Kenyon Martin was my dude that year. Satterfield, Logan, Mickeal, Johnson – that was also my favorite NCAA March Madness team of all time. I used to could run up the score on every squad in that game kid. Bonus points for Stevie Franchise being on the cover of that game.
P: Something tells me that I would have loved the 1990-91 UNLV teams but I was too young to actually know what’s going on. All I knew was that they beat teams badly and didn’t get any of the other “stuff” that they were doing. If the hot tub thing happened today, I would have written 4,000 words about it. Anyway, we’re just going off ones that I’ve actually seen play:
4th, mid 200s West Virginia: Pittnoggle alone would put this team into consideration but just the way they played in general was highly entertaining. This team was a second half collapse from going to the Final Four
3rd, late 90s St John’s: And not just because of the thought of Ron Artest in college. Don’t forget they had Eric Barkley and Bootsie Thorton. He was the best because my aunt was a St John’s alum and had a three year old son who would yell out Bootsie whenever they played. Then they all left and they brought in Omar Cook, who was part of a huge recruiting class. I saw him in his first game in the Garden where he seemed destined to be the next great NYC point god. Unfortunately, that was the high point of his career. He did however, have the world’s largest forehead. So that has to count for something.
2nd, late 1990s UNC: Ed Cota is my favorite college player of all time, and he teamed with Vince Carter and Jamison to go to two final fours. Plus they had the Serge Zwicker. Who doesn’t like 7 foot Dutchmen with a cool nickname (The Serge Protector). I remember when Cota threw it off the backboard against Duke and Dick Vitale’s head almost exploded. Downgraded because of the biggity bitch Carter became in the pros.
1st, Fab Five. Put it this way, after they came out, 10 year old Barney started rocking really baggy shorts and no socks. I must have looked absolutely ridiculous. These guys weren’t just basketball players, but rock stars. Gilbert Arenas would say, “They’re swag was phenomenal.”

4. What one liner from a movie/rap song/tv show would you give a kidney to be able to pull off just once flawlessly in real life?
B: Well first I’d like to state that I think I’m interpretating what it is that you’re looking for. You’re asking me what line I’d like to be able to use in real life. Like if I had a sworn enemy and I could say, ‘Plus I fucked yo’ bitch!’ So understand that’s what I think you mean with this question and I’m answering as such. This is still a really tough answer. How do you gauge this? Not everyone knows the same movies as me. So I’d end up, like in real life, making jokes to other people that are for you. Then I have to either call or text you so we can talk about an obscure reference when the other people who are physically in the room with me look at me like I’m retarded. In summation…I’d have to choose a line from Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. ‘Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room.’ I know it’s a little unexpected and most people haven’t seen the flick. But just to be in the war room would be awesome. Plus the paradox of this line is too good to pass up. I’m sure you were expecting ‘It was all a dream…’ or ‘Don’t ask me about my business, Kay.’ or ‘You think you big time? You gonna die big time!’
P: For me, it would have to be from The Departed, when Marky Mark responds to “Who the fuck are you?” with, “I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” I would love to pull that off in a meeting sometime. The other one I considered was, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me,” from Training Day. I think it would work best in a subtler way, where no one is expecting it and you ask yourself “Did he really just say what I think he said?” kind of way. Kind of like this:“Barney, that was a great presentation you gave the other day. The client is really impressed.”“Well Chuck, the rest of the team really pitched in and helped me out. But when it comes to describing the interface, King Kong ain’t got shit on me.”
I would like to say, “Your womb is so polluted”, but with my luck, the girl would actually have reproductive issues and I would have to deal with 2 hours of crying. The risk isn’t worth it.
(On a side note, the best one I’ve ever heard was in a summer league basketball game. I drove to the basket and got fouled. Another player on the other team started to complain to the ref that he didn’t think it was a foul. The guy who fouled me just goes, with the ref two feet away, “Yeah I did it, like the sick white boy the court committed.” Yes, that is Styles off of “Reservoir Dogs” (not the movie, the Jay Z track which samples the Shaft theme). I’m still in awe that someone could pull off a line like that.)

5. Rank the In My Lifetime volumes.
a. In reverse order…I put In My Lifetime, Vol. 1 last. The album starts well enough with the Intro/A Million... and the City is Mine, then it falls off. Streets is Watchin is a classic line, but the record is not as good. Rap Game-Crack Game loses points for straight up biting QB’s Finest. Though I do love the last two tracks on the album. Up next is Vol. 3, Life and Times of Shawn Carter. There are some good records, but Juvenile is on a Hov joint. WTF? Don’t get it twisted, I do like a couple of the records. After all it did give us Dame Dash’s Big Pimpin dance. It’s a grittier album for Jay, what with ‘There’s Been…’, ‘Come and Get Me’ and ‘Watch Me’ (with Dr. Dre). Top to bottom though it’s a very flawed collection though. Finally, I’m rolling with Vol 2., Hard Knock Life as my favorite. It put Jigga on tour and pushed the rap game to the next level, almost single handedly. As I recall it was the first major venue rap tour of this generation. Aside from that, the music is the best top to bottom of the three albums. ‘Take the bass line out…’ It introduced ‘I know they gon criticize the hook of this song.’ ‘Girls and guns. All I want. Stock Exchange. Rocks and things.’ Yea, this is my favorite of this set of albums. I’m going to go out on a limb and claim it has the best B-Sides of a post-Golden Era hip hop album. Am I to assume that you and I will be debating Blueprint albums when the third comes out? I’ll just go ahead and list it now – Blueprint 2, Blueprint 3, Blueprint 2.1 (because there were about 10 semi-decent tracks on BP2) and the Blueprint. Though I still don’t think that Blueprint is an all-time classic. Just because an album is a veritable hits machine, does not make it classic. See: Die Trying, Get Rich or
P: This is the flip side of the first question, where I ask it to get someone else’s opinion when I already have one. Basically, my main point is that I think Vol 2 is overrated. I’ve heard people say it’s a classic, when A) there’s way too many guest appearances and B) some of the beats don’t stand up to time. I think Jay is only by himself on two tracks on this album. Why the hell was Ja Rule on “Can I Get A…” ? He was awful. Also, Annie singing the first time is cool. Hearing that song for the 75th time? Not so much. So it’s a good album, but I don’t think it’s the quote unquote classic that people make it out to be.
After I asked this question I went back to Vol 1 and listened. My first reaction? “I forgot there was more to this album than what was on Streets is Watching.” I was going to put Vol 1 as my favorite but then realized that the song with Puffy and Lil Kim is truly a terrible song. If the album was only like 7 songs and they picked only the ones that were on Streets is Watching, I think I’d have a case. Now, I got nothing.
Vol 3, eh, I don’t feel like getting into it. There were some club bangers. And if Juvenile singing the hook was require so that Jay could rip the remix to “Ha”, then I’ll allow it. That was the first southern track to get major air play in NY and it was only when the remix came out.
Vol 1 and 2 even, vol 3 behind those two.

6. In the last interview we did, you talked about your love of Raquel Welch. The NFL Draft is coming up. If there was a draft of women, who would be your ideal “Day 2 Picks”? We’re not going to talk about the ones that will go early. We’re talking about who you don’t have to trade up to because you know they’ll be there in the later rounds. Basically, I’m asking who you think is hot that other people might not think about, but pulling in the NFL Draft to make it more fun.
B: You’re really not looking for me to be brief today are you? You’re looking for me to give you 1000+ words so you won’t feel like such a jackass. Well I’m calling you on it, jackass. Any rate, my sleepers include…Rachel McAdams because she’s a truly gifted actor and her looks get over-looked. Maya Rudolph because a sense of humor is so sexy. Mickie James because she could kick my ass but still retains her girl-next-door-ness. Rosie Perez because she’ll never be too old – include Tyra Banks in this category. Gabrielle Union because she should be the next Angela Bassett. Amanda Bynes because I remember watching her on All That back in the day and I still want to make sex all over her face. And I’m not sure if this selection would make many peoples’ first day or not, but Raven Symone because she’s the heir apparent to Oprah and I just love something about her. I think if you really want to get 1000 words from me, next time you should ask me what first day selections I disagree with. (I’m looking at you Megan Fox…)
P: I’m not going to lie, half the reason I want to do this is so I can introduce draft lexicon to chicks. I’m really hoping to make “Second Day Pick” a new phrase for not top grade talent. For example, someone asks, “She’s been checking you out. You should go see if you can hit that.” “Eh, she’s a second day pick. She’ll still be there in the later rounds. I need to keep flexibility. I might need that pick to trade up to get her (point to hotter chick).” Other phrases we can use: “Combine Product” to someone who looks great, but you think wouldn’t be all that great in bed. Conversely, “High Football IQ” to someone who doesn’t look that good, but would do some stuff you can’t imagine. You can throw wonderlic scores around girls that may not beat a box of rocks in Jeopardy. “Oh, he’s reaching with that pick.” (Note, I don’t think anyone reaches more than me). In fact, if I come up to you and say, “Who’s your friend? Darrius Heyward-Bey?” please take that as a hint and find someone else. I love drafts of any kind. Any way we can keep this going all year round is a good thing. The only downside is us going out and turning it into a Kiper-McShay throwdown and our entire night becomes a debate using draft lexicon at the bar.
Ok, my sleepers? I think I’d have to pick up Lindsay Lohan just so Floyd Banks can make a joke about it. This would be my Maurice Clarett to Denver in the 3rd round pick where I’m drafting off performance three years ago. Because I can definitely see it ending with a bottle of Grey Goose, a machete and an automatic weapons while avoiding four cop cars. For some reason, I have a thing for Kelly Clarkson, to the point that I watched 30 minutes of that awful movie she made after American Idol (in my defense, I was pretty drunk). Rachel Nichols from SportsCenter could catch it. And finally, Sue Bird. Though if things actually worked out with her, I’m sure the first thing my dad would say would be something along the lines of mocking me because I can’t beat my girlfriend in basketball. If this actually happened, I would read the rules thoroughly and see if I could pull a Celtics in ’78 with Bird and take Miley Cyrus and wait until she turns 18 to “sign her”. I’m getting that Hannah Montana money.
Also please note that Bacon completely missed the point about this because Rachel McAdams and Gabrielle Union are definite first round material. And I think Amanda Bynes could be as well (and if you got her early, I would give you props for that. I’m glad I’m not the only one who first thinks of All That). But I’m glad to know he appreciates Rachel McAdams’s acting. I’m guessing he’s basing it off of her performance in The Notebook. Though I would say that ripping the first day picks would be probably just as fun and probably more fun. Though if we’re going to do that, let’s go all out, dress up in ridiculous suits and call it the Hater’s Ball. We could put up posters of them and make jokes.

7. When people talk about great gangster movies, which one doesn’t get talked about when it should?
B: I’m going to assume you don’t mean to include the old Bogey films. So I’m going to skip shit like ‘Top of the world, ma!’ There are a few ways to look at this. While I consider myself an authority on this subject, as most others, there are tons of gangster movies from the Scorcese-era on, that I have not seen. Now, that I’ve tried to define the era I’m commenting on, I have to pick one. The one that I end up having to show people is King of New York. I’m high on that one, though that might only be because BIG went by the Black Frank White. I think that’s a high water mark for everyone in it NOT named Christopher Walken. I’m not claiming it’s the best piece of filmmaking ever. I just find it to be a highly entertaining flick with a good story and some good people in some well-written roles. So, all things considered, I’m going with KoNY as the movie that doesn’t get talked about when it should.
P: I came up with this question when I watched Blow a couple weeks ago. That is a good movie, yet with the exception of The Lox, I can’t remember any other rappers talk about it (and let’s be honest, when I wrote this question “people” means rappers. Commence Mad Real World “you people” references now). I guess because there’s not that much violence in it. But other than that, you have it all. Ok, some gratuitous nudity wouldn’t hurt either. But hell, Boston George damn near invented the cocaine trade in America. He broke up a Columbian drug lord wedding. You’re telling me that’s not gangsta enough? Another possible reason is that it stars Johnny Depp, who isn’t exactly Pacino, De Niro or Denzel when it comes to this genre.
And you learn valuable lessons in this. If you’re going to purchase drugs from some random Mexican farmers, bring $75 K instead of the promised $50 k. If you’re in front of a federal judge, quoting Johnny Cash is not a good idea (and how about Johnny Cash showing up in a gangta movie).
And yes, I would say that KONY should get consideration, but since Big took Frank White as a nickname, he alone more than makes up for it. The man made it ok to rock Coogi. Laurence Fishburn was tremendous in that movie.

8. Jordan had baseball. Dave Cowens drove a taxi cab. Kanye and Lil’ Wayne are both making non-rap music. What egotistical sabbatical from what you do well would you take?
B: You’re assuming that I do SOMETHING well? I thank you first and foremost for that. Second off, I think I’m working on my ‘sabbatical’ right now. Since I’m transitioning to acting and trying to make a career out of it, we’ll call that what I do well. I’m totally going to make pornos. Not as an actor – I don’t have the ‘build’ for it. But as a writer/director. If I could get the right people in there, I could make some hot shit. I already have an idea for a series. I could write some erotic storylines, with sexy dialogue. Then I could get behind the camera and show giant cock in a tight little twat. But shoot that shit in a way that’s never been done. Well, maybe it’s been done, but I’ll find a way to make it seem like something you haven’t seen before. My biggest concern is getting the right people to actually act in these films. It won’t work if Holly Humps delivers lines like Bill Shatner. I need believable talent. I could make great porn…
P: I see two possible ways I go off the deep end. The first is that I detach completely from society and become a hermit. Part of me would like to not have to listen to another person talk for a few months. Maybe pull a Brando and move to an island in the south Pacific for awhile. The other option is to sell everything I have, move to Vegas and go out Leaving Las Vegas style. Shopping carts full of booze, relationships with hookers, that sounds like a good time. Note that I don’t think you can have two more opposite answers than those two.

9. We’re both now single. What in your case is the best anecdote that sums up why? I’m not looking for a reason (i.e. in my case, I’m an alcoholic who works way too much with a 3 year old 1200 miles away) but a short story that any reasonable person would say, “You know what? I completely understand why he’s not with anyone.”
B: I have a reason and a story for you. The reason was, ‘You had all this fun in college and all these stories. I spent all my time chasing you.’ A story could be…you know how on Madden if you let the menu linger too long it’ll switch over to a demo game? I once stopped mid-coitus to watch the end of a Pats-Steelers demo game. Once my boys won, I pounded it like Peter North!
P: So one night we had a happy hour with some coworkers. Me and Matty Ice (Yes, his real name is Matt and I could have thought of a better Barney Show disguise name, but I’m calling him that to call BS on Matt Ryan for shaming all Irish Americans. That’s a gawd awful nickname. Don’t embrace it. You’re an NFL playoff quarterback not an intramural semifinal losing QB. Act like it.) left the bar after last call (this was 2 AM. We got there at 5 PM.) Looking back on it, I think Matty Ice had a stalker, because no one invited her and she showed up with her friends at this bar that we didn’t tell anyone we were going to. Though I do have my suspicions about Matty Ice’s integrity in these matters. Anyway, we go back to stalker’s apartment with her friends, and I tag along because hey, I just spent $350 at a bar, its 2 AM and what else do I have to do. (Ignore that entire pare if you’re looking for an anecdote. That was just the set up). So Matty Ice does what he has to do and I’m looking at this other girl who’s left with me. The night ends with me asleep on the couch (note not passed out traditionally) sitting upright with my head on the end of the sofa. I had the entire thing, yet chose to take 1/3 of it. I was asked, what happened? Why didn’t you get with her? My response, “Her name was Helen. I couldn’t get over the ‘You look like a Helen’ line.” So yes, Chris Farley lines have precedence over getting laid/relationship. Your move.

10. Finally, please tell a story from the night of November 22, 2008. Because I sure as shit don’t remember it
B: I wish I could say I remember it in the least, but I don’t. Not because I was so drunk, but because it was like 6 months ago now. Alas, I’ll piecemeal it together for us. Did we go to dinner that night? I know the night before, we went to OutBack and I told everyone I was a doctor. Yet, there I am wearing a Wu Tang t-shirt with my Yankee fitted on crooked. I doubt anyone believed me but we told them you were my professor because you were rocking the suit. Now, as per the night of the 22nd. I know we were out watching the football game (OU-Tex?) at the sports bar on the giant screen. Then we made rounds to a strip club – with no lap dances, I might add – then a bar/club where I passed on the Hen-Rock shots and you proceeded to black out. We were there and I was getting down when Billie Jean came on. I started using my fedora as a prop and it was awesome. So there I am being a complete tool when I hear a noise from behind me. I turn around and there you are face down on the floor. I don’t know how or why you fell but you knocked some bitches and their drinks over. Then I carried you to the subway where you immediately passed out and I went about making friends. I know I was talking to some random people. I don’t know how it started but I talked to them almost the whole way home. That’s not a good story. Me telling everyone I was a doctor the night before while wearing a Wu Tang T-shirt and my AAA card that says Dr. as my only identification is a great way to sum up that night. And probably a good answer question nine too…
P: We were a class act that weekend. You in your Wu Tang shirt and Fedora. Me rocking the boom box t with a jacket over it. The only thing I remember after leaving the strip club was buying two shots of Henn Rock without asking you and you not wanting one, so I had both of them. After that, it’s lights out. You telling everyone you were a doctor was fun though. If I recall you said you specialized in microtechnology, but then couldn’t explain what it was except that it involved “small things”. I’m glad you’re putting that engineering degree to work.

Well, there you have it. 5,000 words later, and you’re stupider for having read this. Who’s the winner now?