We’re halfway through the Conference Finals and I really have had no comments about the NBA Playoffs. For shame. Anyway, I’ve got questions, maybe you have answers (Just a horrible, horrible segue. I should be taken out back and euthanized Eight Belles style. Too soon?)
Did Ben Wallace really sit out a game because of allergies? Does this replace the Scottie Pippen migraine game as most bitch ass playoff injury? I’d say no, only because Pippen’s was a game 7. But it’s close.
Do the Spurs even have a weight room? They have to be the least defined team in the league by far. I seem to remember Finley being cut back in his Dallas days and now he’s got arms that look like mine (except black). Bowen might be the closest they have to being cut, but he does yoga. That doesn’t mean he got it from the Spurs gym
Can you imagine Ronni Turiaf in Hollywood? Does he chest bump the salesman if he gets a good deal? Scream out, “Yeah, motherfucker” when a bouncer lets him in the club? Try and encourage the guy working the grill at In N Out Burger for an extra good meal? You know you’re enthusiastic when TNT mikes you and you only play 6-10 minutes a game.
Was anyone else really hoping Joakim Noah had Purple Drank in his cup? Though that might make me like him if he was caught with that. I’m already conflicted enough that he was drinking Henn Rock (allegedly). I was thinking he would be more of an Alize guy.
Was I the only one who didn’t think Big Shot did anything to David West? From my perspective, it looks like Horry was about to set a solid back screen and David West just jumped to contest a pass at the wrong time.
Did anyone else see the cross promotion during the Lakers-Jazz game with High School High? Specifically with Vanessa Hudgens, who had naked photos of her leak on the internet? I’m not a big fan of this ABC cross promotion stuff (to say the least), but if you’re going to promote someone that I can easily picture naked, I’ll support it. I’ll be honest, when I’m at the gym and her video comes on the tv, I’m watching it.
Is it me or is every game a 15 point blow out?
Is reneging on your Vegas spots the new crime for 2008? With Chuck and Pacman doing it already, I’d say yes.
Is it me or am I the only one who thinks Marv Albert gets excited to say Vujacic?
Wait, Atlanta has a WNBA team? Is it because they were able to attract so many fans for their NBA team? This would be a favorite in the Dumbest NBA Move of the Year if the Gasol trade hadn’t happened.
Is hiring Damon Jones as an analyst the best or worst thing a producer could do? I’m completely confused by this hiring. All I know is that he’s taking airtime from Jalen Rose.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I'm Back
Wow, it has been awhile since I put an episode up. Working 12 hour days and deciding to get back in shape at the same time is not conducive to blogging (who knew?). Anyway, part of the reason is that I went to New York again, this time to spend some time with my daughter. Here are the notes.
In the last Top 7, I mentioned that my parent’s house only has the option for hot water. Well, that’s been fixed. They put a handle on the cold water spout, so you can have cold water. Unfortunately, for some reason, you now get brown water coming out. It was so brown that even my 2 year old was able to notice.
In other things in my parent’s house that need to be fixed, my daughter was confused as to why our front door wouldn’t close. Being that she’s borderline OCD, she needed to have this door shut, but couldn’t do it. She was getting very frustrated. I don’t think she’s ever seen a door that doesn’t shut. I guess this is the next project my parent’s will take on the week before my kid comes to town (I’m convinced this is the only reason they’re making any improvements to the house).
So on Saturday, we went to Belmont with my dad (he was lobbying hard for the track and I didn’t have the heart to tell him no). Of course my luck intercedes, and the first race I’m at, a horse literally collapses 10 yards after the finish line. You immediately know this horse will not be alive an hour from now and you’re just hoping the jockey’s ok. Convinced I traumatized my daughter for life, we leave right after this (But not before we got to see the horse ambulance crash into the people ambulance. You have to laugh at that. People even cheered when this happened.). As soon as we exit (and I mean as soon as we exit) she starts asking where the horses went. She then proceeds to continuously tell me that, “Horsey fall down.” Being that she was two, I was able to convince her that the horse just had a “boo-boo” like the one she had on her knee and that it was all fixed with a “giant horsey band-aid”. Nothing like outright lying to your children.
In the “I Never Thought I Would See the Day This Happened” department, at 9:25 EST on Friday, May 23rd, I listened to Three 6 Mafia with my dad for the first time. It was during Tarver’s fight intro in “Rocky Balboa.” For the record, their chorus went something along the lines of “Bust a motherfucker” or “Bust his ass in the head”. A true Triple Six song if there was one. There was no visible reaction from my dad. (Now I have Three 6 in my head: “I come from a city where they love to hate, ‘specially on the Triple 6…” Gotta go. Someone's testing my gangta)
In the last Top 7, I mentioned that my parent’s house only has the option for hot water. Well, that’s been fixed. They put a handle on the cold water spout, so you can have cold water. Unfortunately, for some reason, you now get brown water coming out. It was so brown that even my 2 year old was able to notice.
In other things in my parent’s house that need to be fixed, my daughter was confused as to why our front door wouldn’t close. Being that she’s borderline OCD, she needed to have this door shut, but couldn’t do it. She was getting very frustrated. I don’t think she’s ever seen a door that doesn’t shut. I guess this is the next project my parent’s will take on the week before my kid comes to town (I’m convinced this is the only reason they’re making any improvements to the house).
So on Saturday, we went to Belmont with my dad (he was lobbying hard for the track and I didn’t have the heart to tell him no). Of course my luck intercedes, and the first race I’m at, a horse literally collapses 10 yards after the finish line. You immediately know this horse will not be alive an hour from now and you’re just hoping the jockey’s ok. Convinced I traumatized my daughter for life, we leave right after this (But not before we got to see the horse ambulance crash into the people ambulance. You have to laugh at that. People even cheered when this happened.). As soon as we exit (and I mean as soon as we exit) she starts asking where the horses went. She then proceeds to continuously tell me that, “Horsey fall down.” Being that she was two, I was able to convince her that the horse just had a “boo-boo” like the one she had on her knee and that it was all fixed with a “giant horsey band-aid”. Nothing like outright lying to your children.
In the “I Never Thought I Would See the Day This Happened” department, at 9:25 EST on Friday, May 23rd, I listened to Three 6 Mafia with my dad for the first time. It was during Tarver’s fight intro in “Rocky Balboa.” For the record, their chorus went something along the lines of “Bust a motherfucker” or “Bust his ass in the head”. A true Triple Six song if there was one. There was no visible reaction from my dad. (Now I have Three 6 in my head: “I come from a city where they love to hate, ‘specially on the Triple 6…” Gotta go. Someone's testing my gangta)
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Hubie Brown Summarizes my Friday Night
Ok, now, you’re Barney. You haven’t been out in more than 3 weeks. Before Friday night, you’ve gone 5 days without having a drink. So you’re tremendously excited to be going out to Happy Hour on Friday, and this night has the potential for a tremendous upside. Add to that, the fact that this bar is home to West Virginia fans during football season, and at the very least, Barney can make Pacman Jones or Chris Henry jokes. You start off with $2 Miller Lites. Now, this isn’t your beer of choice, but it’s such a good deal, you have to take it. You also order some of those mini-burgers. This was your first mistake because you didn’t realize how greasy they were. And you weren’t paying attention, and the next thing you know, there’s grease on your shirt and pants. That’s not the way you want to start your night if you hope to get laid.
The next mistake Barney made was that he decided to get into a chugging contest, which is not his forte. Barney should be sticking to shots, that’s his bread and butter. It’s like a team trying to run with Golden State. You get lulled into thinking you can run with them because you’re a competitive individual. The next thing you know, its 128-118 and you’re realizing you’ll need to score 140 to win this thing. Anyway, back to Barney’s second mistake, which was getting into a Jaeger bomb chugging contest. While Barney’s a great drinker, speed is not his strength. The longer Barney can string out a drinking contest, the better he will be because he has no regard for the effects this will have on him the next day. He needs to slow the tempo down because he can out execute teams in the half court.
Now you’re Barney. You just lost the drinking contest. What do you do? Calling the contest “horseshit” was not the most graceful way of dealing with the loss. Sitting by yourself for the next hour in front of the television and refusing to talk to the person that beat you? Also not the way you should have handled it. But on the upside, you did get to watch the first half of the Lakers-Jazz game, which feature me, Hubie Brown, announcing. What you did not want to do was tell people to “Go Fuck Yourself” upon leaving the bar.
My advice for Barney for next season, is to get speed in this year’s draft. You have to get quicker if you’re going to contend for the drinking title next year. Draft someone with quickness that has a tremendous upside potential. You also have to mature. I love the intensity he brings to the bar, but you’re 25 years old now. You should not be acting like you’re 5 when you lose.
The next mistake Barney made was that he decided to get into a chugging contest, which is not his forte. Barney should be sticking to shots, that’s his bread and butter. It’s like a team trying to run with Golden State. You get lulled into thinking you can run with them because you’re a competitive individual. The next thing you know, its 128-118 and you’re realizing you’ll need to score 140 to win this thing. Anyway, back to Barney’s second mistake, which was getting into a Jaeger bomb chugging contest. While Barney’s a great drinker, speed is not his strength. The longer Barney can string out a drinking contest, the better he will be because he has no regard for the effects this will have on him the next day. He needs to slow the tempo down because he can out execute teams in the half court.
Now you’re Barney. You just lost the drinking contest. What do you do? Calling the contest “horseshit” was not the most graceful way of dealing with the loss. Sitting by yourself for the next hour in front of the television and refusing to talk to the person that beat you? Also not the way you should have handled it. But on the upside, you did get to watch the first half of the Lakers-Jazz game, which feature me, Hubie Brown, announcing. What you did not want to do was tell people to “Go Fuck Yourself” upon leaving the bar.
My advice for Barney for next season, is to get speed in this year’s draft. You have to get quicker if you’re going to contend for the drinking title next year. Draft someone with quickness that has a tremendous upside potential. You also have to mature. I love the intensity he brings to the bar, but you’re 25 years old now. You should not be acting like you’re 5 when you lose.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Top 7
I spent this weekend at home, visiting my mom for Mother’s Day. I forgot all the things I miss about home. So without further ado, I now present the Top 7 things I missed about being back in my parent’s house:
7. The ability to test my parallel parking skills on a daily basis. I’ll admit, they have been falling off recently. If only I had driven up on Friday night, I would have had a true test to see my ability. However, this would have been two miles from my house, and so I decided to wait until the next day to make my trip. The two feet I got on both sides Saturday afternoon was child’s play.
6. Having a coke dealer across the street. Contrary to the jokes I make, I have never done coke. But there’s something comforting about knowing if I wanted to, there’s a supplier across the street. I miss that sometimes, the comfort factor.
5. An OCD complex for dinner. The fact that I came home on a Saturday meant that I might have the nerve to ask for something different for dinner than cheeseburgers. This would throw my dad’s whole week off. Thankfully order was restored when I confirmed that I do enjoy cheeseburgers.
4. Belmont Paraphernalia. You know what I miss? The class that having flowers in a glass that says “Belmont Park” brings to a living room. I miss having clothing emblazoned with the Belmont logo.
3. Showers with one temperature fits all. Oh, so you just got back from a run and want a cold shower? Too bad. All we got is hot. You’re trying to give a 2 year old a bath? Too bad, pour in some cold water from the sink.
2. My Cousin Vinny. Going home means having to give up remote navigation privileges to my dad. And I don’t think he has ever come across My Cousin Vinny and not stopped and watched that movie until it’s completed. I swear, The Godfather could be on one channel, Saving Private Ryan on another and the only time he will move off of My Cousin Vinny is if there’s a horse race going on. I guess he just likes making fun of I-talians and rednecks. And he probably imagines me doing mental gymnastics around people in Texas just like Joe Pesci.
1. Old CDs. Thanks to Brock, I was reminded that I had a bunch of CDs from 2000 and earlier that were boxed up in my parent’s house (Brock had to let me know he bought the Black Rob album for the second time. It was fun for about 5 minutes to have the phrase “Woah!” back in my life. And yes, Black Rob’s album was still at my parents.) I got about twenty old albums and bumped them all on the way home. The best part was going through the mixtapes I made back in high school. I’m telling you, my Dirty South mixtape is a work of art. Just the fact that I can listen to Petey Pablo’s “North Carolina, come on and raise up” while driving to work in the morning gets me excited.
7. The ability to test my parallel parking skills on a daily basis. I’ll admit, they have been falling off recently. If only I had driven up on Friday night, I would have had a true test to see my ability. However, this would have been two miles from my house, and so I decided to wait until the next day to make my trip. The two feet I got on both sides Saturday afternoon was child’s play.
6. Having a coke dealer across the street. Contrary to the jokes I make, I have never done coke. But there’s something comforting about knowing if I wanted to, there’s a supplier across the street. I miss that sometimes, the comfort factor.
5. An OCD complex for dinner. The fact that I came home on a Saturday meant that I might have the nerve to ask for something different for dinner than cheeseburgers. This would throw my dad’s whole week off. Thankfully order was restored when I confirmed that I do enjoy cheeseburgers.
4. Belmont Paraphernalia. You know what I miss? The class that having flowers in a glass that says “Belmont Park” brings to a living room. I miss having clothing emblazoned with the Belmont logo.
3. Showers with one temperature fits all. Oh, so you just got back from a run and want a cold shower? Too bad. All we got is hot. You’re trying to give a 2 year old a bath? Too bad, pour in some cold water from the sink.
2. My Cousin Vinny. Going home means having to give up remote navigation privileges to my dad. And I don’t think he has ever come across My Cousin Vinny and not stopped and watched that movie until it’s completed. I swear, The Godfather could be on one channel, Saving Private Ryan on another and the only time he will move off of My Cousin Vinny is if there’s a horse race going on. I guess he just likes making fun of I-talians and rednecks. And he probably imagines me doing mental gymnastics around people in Texas just like Joe Pesci.
1. Old CDs. Thanks to Brock, I was reminded that I had a bunch of CDs from 2000 and earlier that were boxed up in my parent’s house (Brock had to let me know he bought the Black Rob album for the second time. It was fun for about 5 minutes to have the phrase “Woah!” back in my life. And yes, Black Rob’s album was still at my parents.) I got about twenty old albums and bumped them all on the way home. The best part was going through the mixtapes I made back in high school. I’m telling you, my Dirty South mixtape is a work of art. Just the fact that I can listen to Petey Pablo’s “North Carolina, come on and raise up” while driving to work in the morning gets me excited.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Random Stuff
I really have nothing good to write about. For that reason, I’m looking for some help. Link me:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3385156
Add Cedric Benson to the list of athletes with white girls. “My black friend…”
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05072008/gossip/pagesix/sightings_109722.htm
Did Joakim wear his seersucker suit to Scores? How ‘bout doing the Gator chomp? You’d think Bassy would have to good sense to stay out of strip clubs with all the trouble he’s been in. You’d think wrong.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/04232008/sports/knicks/oakley__forget_jax__knicks_need_fresh_he_107771.htm?page=2
Alright, this could get me to watch the Food Network: Oak cooking fried chicken. I love that John Starks was a guest on one of the pilots. I’m guessing he was available. Could you imagine the guests on this show? Ewing, Jordan, Starks, I’m hoping the X-Man. Somebody please pick this up. And when is Oakley’s autobiography coming out? Why does Charles Oakley bring out the inquisitive side in me?
Other than that, I got nothing. I need some new stuff in my life. Maybe I should start doing coke. Ok, maybe not.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3385156
Add Cedric Benson to the list of athletes with white girls. “My black friend…”
http://www.nypost.com/seven/05072008/gossip/pagesix/sightings_109722.htm
Did Joakim wear his seersucker suit to Scores? How ‘bout doing the Gator chomp? You’d think Bassy would have to good sense to stay out of strip clubs with all the trouble he’s been in. You’d think wrong.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/04232008/sports/knicks/oakley__forget_jax__knicks_need_fresh_he_107771.htm?page=2
Alright, this could get me to watch the Food Network: Oak cooking fried chicken. I love that John Starks was a guest on one of the pilots. I’m guessing he was available. Could you imagine the guests on this show? Ewing, Jordan, Starks, I’m hoping the X-Man. Somebody please pick this up. And when is Oakley’s autobiography coming out? Why does Charles Oakley bring out the inquisitive side in me?
Other than that, I got nothing. I need some new stuff in my life. Maybe I should start doing coke. Ok, maybe not.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Wiz-Cavs Final Thoughts
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve probably focused too much attention on the Cavs-Wizards series. Maybe it was the local angle. It was probably because Jay got involved. Plus, I had an inside source attending the games, giving me details that the general public didn’t get. And now, I’m kind of wishing I didn’t have it. Because the illusion that Lebron is this somehow mythical player has just vanished. Let me explain. Last week, I told you about Lebron and his quest for matching sunglasses. Despite the fact that he lost by 30, his post game concern was how his sunglasses matched the rest of his outfit. Post game 6, he left the conquering hero, wanting a new pair of shoes because he scuffed the ones he was currently wearing (I made a point of asking if these were Nikes or actually shoes. Because a new pair of Nikes to Lebron is like a new pair of socks to the rest of us. I’m fairly certain they don’t cost him a thing. But yes, they were actual shoes.)
Starting with the Pistons series last year, Lebron has done things that I never thought were possible on the basketball court. Just watch the Witness commercial last year of him dunking on Tayshaun Prince. I have never seen anyone get that high or dunk with that force in a dunk contest. This was in a do or die playoff game. It’s actually a thing of beauty to watch (alright, maybe this is revealing my inner basketball dork). But Lebron is a physical freak, unlike anyone the NBA has seen.
This Wizards series was no different. Against a team that had him beat in 3 out of 5 positions easily, his team won 4-2, losing one of those games at the buzzer. There were times tonight when I watched him play distributor Bron, and it was downright painful. Anytime he threw it to Ben Wallace or Joe Smith who were open for what would be an 80% shot for a normal NBA big man, it turned into, “Let’s just hit the rim and it will be a moral victory”. And yet, they managed to win by 20+ tonight to close out the series.
And that’s where it gets interesting. I was willing to let Lebron’s performance post game 3 slide. Sure, he got blown out, but I was will to chalk him wanting to know how his sunglasses looked up to him just being media conscience. After game 6, him throwing a hissy fit because his shoes were scuffed…ummm…I’m not quite sure how to handle this. I really want to take Lebron to task for being what I can only describe as a diva, or at least being a Hollywood celeb, but at the same time, I don’t know how. Why? Because I cannot possibly fathom what it’s like to be Lebron.
Lebron is 23. He’s been a celebrity since he was 16. He nearly lost his high school eligibility because for a) getting throwback jerseys and b) his mom getting him a Hummer. Who loses their high school eligibility for reasons other than grades? He’s been a celebrity or on the path to celebrity so long, his perception of reality is probably distorted from the rest of us.
Say what you want about Kobe (His only real competitor for best in the game. Sorry Chris Paul, you need to put some years on your resume), but he does have his human foibles. And he’s been through adversity. In short, he’s shown us his human side, even if that human side is buying his way out of divorce court with a diamond. Lebron? I’m struggling to find a time he didn’t appear to be the winner of the genetic lottery. He’s appeared on SNL and hosted the ESPYs, but I’m pretty sure he did not go outside his comfort zone.
I’ve always wanted NBA access. Now that I’ve got a source to get me that, I’m not really sure I did. Because I’m really struggling with how to feel about Lebron. How would I handle another NBA player if they were concerned about their glasses or shoes post game? Can I even relate to that lifestyle at this point? I was raised on Jordan. Has that completely distorted my expectations for players? I was especially hyped for in this series was to see a motivated Lebron. I ended up being mildly disappointed with 32, 12 and 9 games. Have my expectations been way too high? Because anyone else, that would be a tremendous game. Lebron, who I’m questioning his motivation, that’s an average game.
If I have a point (and I’m pretty sure I don’t) is that I’m completely confused as to what to make of Lebron and where he’s going. Is he more concerned with winning, or with being a global icon as he’s claimed? And if it’s the latter, should I even be disappointed? At this point in my life, shouldn’t I have accepted what professional sports are really all about? Or should I continue on this quest to find and enjoy watching greatness? Because Lebron represents the last frontier in what I can see in an NBA player. As good as Kobe is right now, he probably has half the physical talent that Lebron has. But outside of Jordan, there has not been one player as singularly determined as the Black Mamba (For good or bad. Remember, Jordan wasn’t always the greatest teammate either). At the end of this rambling, incoherent thing written at 12:45 at night, my main point is this: Do I need to lower expectations for the Lebron era or not?
Starting with the Pistons series last year, Lebron has done things that I never thought were possible on the basketball court. Just watch the Witness commercial last year of him dunking on Tayshaun Prince. I have never seen anyone get that high or dunk with that force in a dunk contest. This was in a do or die playoff game. It’s actually a thing of beauty to watch (alright, maybe this is revealing my inner basketball dork). But Lebron is a physical freak, unlike anyone the NBA has seen.
This Wizards series was no different. Against a team that had him beat in 3 out of 5 positions easily, his team won 4-2, losing one of those games at the buzzer. There were times tonight when I watched him play distributor Bron, and it was downright painful. Anytime he threw it to Ben Wallace or Joe Smith who were open for what would be an 80% shot for a normal NBA big man, it turned into, “Let’s just hit the rim and it will be a moral victory”. And yet, they managed to win by 20+ tonight to close out the series.
And that’s where it gets interesting. I was willing to let Lebron’s performance post game 3 slide. Sure, he got blown out, but I was will to chalk him wanting to know how his sunglasses looked up to him just being media conscience. After game 6, him throwing a hissy fit because his shoes were scuffed…ummm…I’m not quite sure how to handle this. I really want to take Lebron to task for being what I can only describe as a diva, or at least being a Hollywood celeb, but at the same time, I don’t know how. Why? Because I cannot possibly fathom what it’s like to be Lebron.
Lebron is 23. He’s been a celebrity since he was 16. He nearly lost his high school eligibility because for a) getting throwback jerseys and b) his mom getting him a Hummer. Who loses their high school eligibility for reasons other than grades? He’s been a celebrity or on the path to celebrity so long, his perception of reality is probably distorted from the rest of us.
Say what you want about Kobe (His only real competitor for best in the game. Sorry Chris Paul, you need to put some years on your resume), but he does have his human foibles. And he’s been through adversity. In short, he’s shown us his human side, even if that human side is buying his way out of divorce court with a diamond. Lebron? I’m struggling to find a time he didn’t appear to be the winner of the genetic lottery. He’s appeared on SNL and hosted the ESPYs, but I’m pretty sure he did not go outside his comfort zone.
I’ve always wanted NBA access. Now that I’ve got a source to get me that, I’m not really sure I did. Because I’m really struggling with how to feel about Lebron. How would I handle another NBA player if they were concerned about their glasses or shoes post game? Can I even relate to that lifestyle at this point? I was raised on Jordan. Has that completely distorted my expectations for players? I was especially hyped for in this series was to see a motivated Lebron. I ended up being mildly disappointed with 32, 12 and 9 games. Have my expectations been way too high? Because anyone else, that would be a tremendous game. Lebron, who I’m questioning his motivation, that’s an average game.
If I have a point (and I’m pretty sure I don’t) is that I’m completely confused as to what to make of Lebron and where he’s going. Is he more concerned with winning, or with being a global icon as he’s claimed? And if it’s the latter, should I even be disappointed? At this point in my life, shouldn’t I have accepted what professional sports are really all about? Or should I continue on this quest to find and enjoy watching greatness? Because Lebron represents the last frontier in what I can see in an NBA player. As good as Kobe is right now, he probably has half the physical talent that Lebron has. But outside of Jordan, there has not been one player as singularly determined as the Black Mamba (For good or bad. Remember, Jordan wasn’t always the greatest teammate either). At the end of this rambling, incoherent thing written at 12:45 at night, my main point is this: Do I need to lower expectations for the Lebron era or not?
Obligatory Horse Racing Post
In what I hope becomes an annual occurrence, I will write one episode a year about the sport of my youth, horse racing. Last year, it was horse racing in West Virginia. This year, it will be about the Kentucky Derby. If I had to pick a sporting event to attend in person, I think the Kentucky Derby would be in my Top 5. It just seems like an event as much as a contest. Plus they serve bourbon. And lots of it. Here’s how I see it going:
Barney: 1 mint julep please. Hold the mint.
Bartender: So you just want me to pour bourbon in a cup?
Barney: You are correct, good sir.
And I’d be making Barbaro jokes by the 2nd race. I haven’t decided if I’d be hitting on the girl with the most ridiculous hat or just making fun of her. Actually, maybe I’ll do both and hit on her in a sarcastic manner and hope that the Southern Belle is too stupid to pick up on it. That sounds like a plan. Kentucky Derby road trip in 2009? Who’s with me (I can hear my dad sticking his hand up 300 miles away).
Anyway, this year, I actually have some money on it. Since I’ve followed exactly 5 minutes of horse racing so far this year (and that was just so I could get a score on the bottom of ESPN), I’m in no position to make a selection based on actual knowledge. No, I’m using another system: Simpsons references. This year I have $20 on Pyro. If you recall, Pyro was briefly dating Millhouse’s mom until he found out that she was cheating on him with his good friend, Gyro. He then drove away in his American Gladiators orb, stunned that his so-called friend would disgrace him like that. So this year, the Barney show is picking Pyro to show Mrs. Van Houten how he rolls and what she missed by going out with that loser Gyro. Revenge, thy name be Pyro. (No folks, it doesn’t take much to get me to put money on something. I’m that easy. And yes, I know that with my endorsement, Pyro will be lucky to actually finish the race and not have to be euthanized.) (Citation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Houten_family#Luann)
Barney: 1 mint julep please. Hold the mint.
Bartender: So you just want me to pour bourbon in a cup?
Barney: You are correct, good sir.
And I’d be making Barbaro jokes by the 2nd race. I haven’t decided if I’d be hitting on the girl with the most ridiculous hat or just making fun of her. Actually, maybe I’ll do both and hit on her in a sarcastic manner and hope that the Southern Belle is too stupid to pick up on it. That sounds like a plan. Kentucky Derby road trip in 2009? Who’s with me (I can hear my dad sticking his hand up 300 miles away).
Anyway, this year, I actually have some money on it. Since I’ve followed exactly 5 minutes of horse racing so far this year (and that was just so I could get a score on the bottom of ESPN), I’m in no position to make a selection based on actual knowledge. No, I’m using another system: Simpsons references. This year I have $20 on Pyro. If you recall, Pyro was briefly dating Millhouse’s mom until he found out that she was cheating on him with his good friend, Gyro. He then drove away in his American Gladiators orb, stunned that his so-called friend would disgrace him like that. So this year, the Barney show is picking Pyro to show Mrs. Van Houten how he rolls and what she missed by going out with that loser Gyro. Revenge, thy name be Pyro. (No folks, it doesn’t take much to get me to put money on something. I’m that easy. And yes, I know that with my endorsement, Pyro will be lucky to actually finish the race and not have to be euthanized.) (Citation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Houten_family#Luann)
Barney goes to a baseball game, bad luck ensues
You know what you need? A good, ol’ fashion Barney’s luck sucks story. My all time favorite used to be when we went to the Penn Relays. Blaze’s dad volunteered to drive us down to Philly where we proceeded to run like crap and then have to drive 3 hours home. Unfortunately, the car lights were left on the entire time we were running. Needless to say, it did not start when we got back. Blaze’s dad was starting to blame himself, when K-Dog interrupted: “Don’t worry Mr. Blaze, it’s not your fault you got stuck driving Barney. Shit like that happens all the time when you’re around him. Believe me, I know.” And we all accepted that and moved on to another topic. No arguments from anyone.
Anyway, this week I went to my first game at the new Nationals stadium. We get there early hoping to catch batting practice. We miss that, but the stadium is pretty empty. Except our section. When purchasing tickets, I bought them in the section that was hosting Senior Day or something. So our section is packed. Our entire row is occupied. It’s old people in front of me, to the right of me and behind me. To the left of me is the Braves bullpen. Which would be pretty cool and has the potential for some more heckling fun. Except that in the one seat in between me and the bullpen is a psycho Braves fan, who I think was stalking the Braves. She watched the entire bullpen session and did not take her eyes off once. Chipper Jones grounded out and she looked like she was going to cry. So I’m packed in next to old people making jokes like this one, “Lastings Milledge? What was his older brother’s name? Firstings,” and the psycho, and there are entire SECTIONS of the stadiums that are still empty. Not upper deck either. There are lower level sections that are completely empty and I have to climb over 8 people to go get a beer. Once we realized this, I turned to LA and was like, “Well, this is what you get for coming to a game with me.” The Bad Luck Express had made its first stop (actually no, that’s not true. As I was walking out of the office early I ran into my boss’s boss. I tried to just put my head down and keep walking but I don’t think that worked).
Next stop, a really quick baseball game. I really had no rooting interest in this game except for wanting the Braves to lose. I really came just to drink beers and check out the new park. So of course, I pick one of the fastest games I’ve ever seen. It clocked in at just over three hours…for 12 innings. I would probably enjoy that normally, except they stop beer sales after the 7th inning. This was roughly an hour and a half from the first pitch (bad luck number 2). I barely had a buzz going when I had to make a last second run. During the 7th inning stretch, LA went and got two beers (the limit they could sell per person), and I immediately followed. I went to the bathroom and got out as the Nats were making the second out. I panicked and went to the nearest concession stand that sold beer (this was well founded because the one I went to, after ordering beer, the girl immediately looked at the tv to see if the inning had ended). The Nats new people haven’t gotten their act together because I got two beers in a paper Coke cup. Not that I complained because that beer needed to last me 5 more innings.
Now on the bathroom trip, somehow, people couldn’t get out the main door. Upon seeing this, a retarded kid starts running to the rear exit (I didn’t know they had more than one. It was also not only Senior day, but special needs day as well). I come back to my new seat 10 rows back of where we started off because the last 8 rows of our section were pretty empty and here was the exchange:LA: What took you so long?Barney: Something happened to the bathroom door, but the retard led us to freedeom.
LA: (Look of shock. Whispers) Ummm…I think he’s sitting right behind you.
Barney: (Look of even more shock. Pause. Think. Whisper) I hope retards don’t hear very well.
But we’re not done with awkward jokes made by me. The games over and we walk about a half mile to the metro as to avoid the crowds at the metro right outside Nats park. The train is about 50% full. We’re talking about LA’s roommate, who I’ve best described as, “Dumber than a box of fucking rocks.” She’s a borderline psycho who has the IQ of a god damn potato. Now that you have the back story, we’re getting on the train, looking for a seat. Here’s this exchange.
LA: ….something about psycho roommate.
Barney: Yeah, she’s fucking retarded. (I obviously did not learn my lesson)
LA: (gets into the only open seat for the two of us. Laughs. Says something unrelated)
Barney: Ok, LA whatever you say.
Psycho Roommate: LA? Is that you?
Alright, one could make a very fair argument that I shouldn’t be such an asshole. But, really, what are the fucking odds of that happening? Picking a random seat on a random metro station that you’ve never been to, sitting behind someone you know, while talking shit about that said person? 500-1 at best right? I swear, these are things that only happen when I’m around. You know how I’m managing people now? Guess how many days it was before our system crashed? 3. It was down for a day and a half as soon as I get in charge. At some point, this stops being a coincidence and starts getting creepy. People should just start avoiding me at this point for their own good.
Anyway, this week I went to my first game at the new Nationals stadium. We get there early hoping to catch batting practice. We miss that, but the stadium is pretty empty. Except our section. When purchasing tickets, I bought them in the section that was hosting Senior Day or something. So our section is packed. Our entire row is occupied. It’s old people in front of me, to the right of me and behind me. To the left of me is the Braves bullpen. Which would be pretty cool and has the potential for some more heckling fun. Except that in the one seat in between me and the bullpen is a psycho Braves fan, who I think was stalking the Braves. She watched the entire bullpen session and did not take her eyes off once. Chipper Jones grounded out and she looked like she was going to cry. So I’m packed in next to old people making jokes like this one, “Lastings Milledge? What was his older brother’s name? Firstings,” and the psycho, and there are entire SECTIONS of the stadiums that are still empty. Not upper deck either. There are lower level sections that are completely empty and I have to climb over 8 people to go get a beer. Once we realized this, I turned to LA and was like, “Well, this is what you get for coming to a game with me.” The Bad Luck Express had made its first stop (actually no, that’s not true. As I was walking out of the office early I ran into my boss’s boss. I tried to just put my head down and keep walking but I don’t think that worked).
Next stop, a really quick baseball game. I really had no rooting interest in this game except for wanting the Braves to lose. I really came just to drink beers and check out the new park. So of course, I pick one of the fastest games I’ve ever seen. It clocked in at just over three hours…for 12 innings. I would probably enjoy that normally, except they stop beer sales after the 7th inning. This was roughly an hour and a half from the first pitch (bad luck number 2). I barely had a buzz going when I had to make a last second run. During the 7th inning stretch, LA went and got two beers (the limit they could sell per person), and I immediately followed. I went to the bathroom and got out as the Nats were making the second out. I panicked and went to the nearest concession stand that sold beer (this was well founded because the one I went to, after ordering beer, the girl immediately looked at the tv to see if the inning had ended). The Nats new people haven’t gotten their act together because I got two beers in a paper Coke cup. Not that I complained because that beer needed to last me 5 more innings.
Now on the bathroom trip, somehow, people couldn’t get out the main door. Upon seeing this, a retarded kid starts running to the rear exit (I didn’t know they had more than one. It was also not only Senior day, but special needs day as well). I come back to my new seat 10 rows back of where we started off because the last 8 rows of our section were pretty empty and here was the exchange:LA: What took you so long?Barney: Something happened to the bathroom door, but the retard led us to freedeom.
LA: (Look of shock. Whispers) Ummm…I think he’s sitting right behind you.
Barney: (Look of even more shock. Pause. Think. Whisper) I hope retards don’t hear very well.
But we’re not done with awkward jokes made by me. The games over and we walk about a half mile to the metro as to avoid the crowds at the metro right outside Nats park. The train is about 50% full. We’re talking about LA’s roommate, who I’ve best described as, “Dumber than a box of fucking rocks.” She’s a borderline psycho who has the IQ of a god damn potato. Now that you have the back story, we’re getting on the train, looking for a seat. Here’s this exchange.
LA: ….something about psycho roommate.
Barney: Yeah, she’s fucking retarded. (I obviously did not learn my lesson)
LA: (gets into the only open seat for the two of us. Laughs. Says something unrelated)
Barney: Ok, LA whatever you say.
Psycho Roommate: LA? Is that you?
Alright, one could make a very fair argument that I shouldn’t be such an asshole. But, really, what are the fucking odds of that happening? Picking a random seat on a random metro station that you’ve never been to, sitting behind someone you know, while talking shit about that said person? 500-1 at best right? I swear, these are things that only happen when I’m around. You know how I’m managing people now? Guess how many days it was before our system crashed? 3. It was down for a day and a half as soon as I get in charge. At some point, this stops being a coincidence and starts getting creepy. People should just start avoiding me at this point for their own good.
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