Texas Toast

One of the few things I remember about my two hour drunk discussion/monologue with my mom a few weeks ago was when she told me, “Sarcasm is a defense mechanism.” Well, if that’s true Mom, this show is the motherfuckin’ Marines. We continue to blaze on to the Shores of Tripoli (aka Texas) on this episode. As always, quotes will be heavily included.

“That’s the gayest thing since gay went to Gaytown.” - Master Shake
I land in Dallas around 10:30 and go to get my rental car. Being that I’m one of the last ones in for that day, I end up with a rather sparse selection: a Ford Focus, a Kia, and two PT Cruisers. Alamo has a policy where they just leave the cars out there with keys in them and you take what you want. I tried to get into the Ford first, but the doors were locked (service at 11 was less than adequate to get this rectified). On to the Kia, which I was able to get into, but did not start (I turned the key and nothing happened). So I end up choosing a navy blue PT Cruiser (less gay than a cherry red one). I’m ashamed that I have to write this paragraph it was so gay.

“All they have in Texas are steers and queers.” – Full Metal Jacket
How have I not used this quote before? I feel I’ve done you, the reader, a disservice. Anyway, on Friday I took my daughter to the Texas State Fair. I came prepared for anything. This was justified when I entered the fair under a giant cowboy’s legs (in the Texas state flag colors, of course). It was further justified when I found out that any food possible can be deep fried (Deep Fried Oreos? Snickers? No wonder our country has a bit of a “weight problem”). I did try the deep fried oreos just for the experience and ended up vomiting them back up.
Two questions were answered on this trip however:
“Are blue ribbon really given out a state fairs?” - Yes. I thought this was just a media stereotype, but yes, there are actual state fairs where blue ribbons are handed out. The Texas one had an actual hall dedicated to last year’s winners, with an endless supply of categories (house wares? Marmalade? Yes, these were actual categories).
“Is it economically viable to have a large piece of land just outside a major metropolitan area that is neglected for most of the year and is only used for one month out of the year?” - Apparently yes. This was the amazing part for me. That there was actual construction and buildings that exist solely for the state fair that is used for one month a year. The fact that it’s right outside Dallas further amazed me. Once again, I need to get out of my northeast mindset when assessing property values for the rest of the country. On the plus side, I got to see the Cotton Bowl. Yes, I know my life is pathetic that this is what passes for a positive these days.

“Sir, I run Hullabalooza's pageant of the transmundane --the freak show, and I've been looking for a big fatso to shoot with a cannon. I'd like very much for you to be that fatso.”
- The Simpsons, “Homerpalooza”
This whole trip was totally redeemed in my eyes by the fact that I got to see a human cannonball. The guy shot himself 180 feet. Easily the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time. I was about to make a comment like, “How does one get into the human cannonball profession”, but the guy answered it before I could even ask by saying that his dad was the trailblazer in the family when it came to human cannonballers. He was a real showman. He also said that him and his father have passed the world record back and forth 5 times. It would have been better if he had said something like, “I’m not recognizing the record that homo Frenchman set,” but hey, I’m not complaining.

“Wanna go to the pig races?”
“Can you gamble on these races?” – Barney
When the answer was no, this was crossed off our to-do list. If it had been a yes, it would have immediately gone to # 1 on the list followed by a call to my dad asking, “Who do you like in the 3rd pig race? Dirty Dan? ChubbRock? The Amazing Pig Man? Want an exacta?”

Let’s pause for a second for a fact that you will almost certainly not get anywhere else besides The Barney Show: You know that song “Duffel Bag Boy?” It’s by some random rapper, and has Lil’ Wayne singing the hook. I’m fairly certain they sampled the chorus from the theme song to Ghostbusters II. In fact, if they didn’t actually credit it, I’d like to be a lawyer and approach whoever did do that song (somehow, Bobby Brown sticks out in my head. I’m sure he wouldn’t turn down free money). Anyway, that’s been in my head since the first time I heard it and just wanted to get it on record. Feel free to quote that as fact to your friends. I’ve heard it makes great conversation at dinner parties.

“Me and Mark are moving in together.” – Old School
On the cover of American Airlines’ magazine was Ellen Pompeo and I realized why I can’t take Gray’s Anatomy seriously: Because the star of the show will always be the chick from Old School. I would probably be watching the show and start yelling at the screen, “You know Mitch banged Elisha Cuthbert as well? How do you like them apples?” And you know how much her character sucks? She only has one quote under the memorable quotes page on imdb and it’s just to set up a joke. I’d probably be so hostile by season 2 that I’d be throwing things at the tv and randomly quoting Beanie to myself, “One vagina the rest of your life. Real smart, Barney. Way to work it through.” (That right there is a scenario that has a lot of if statements behind it. Like …if I had a girlfriend, …if she liked Gray’s Anatomy, …if I managed to stay sober before 9 PM.)
I could give you 150,000 guesses at what was on the cover of Sky Mall and you’d never get it. (Wait for it…) Fat Heads. Yes, those giant wall stickers that commercials air on ESPNEWS was on the cover of the magazine. Yes, the commercial that has Ben Roethlisberger in it. I’m completely serious. I guess they’re other option was putting the urban sombrero on the cover.

“And the new guy is in the back, puking his guts out and the doctor is like, ‘OH MY GOD’.” - Tommy Boy
That new guy, that was me this weekend. I enjoy waking up at midnight and start puking water up. Also fun is having to make the decision, “Do I continue to stand upright puking and pray I don’t shit myself or do I sit down and hope I don’t puke on myself?” No one wins either way.
So once again, it’s my luck to have the one day I was going to spend with just my daughter cancelled because of sickness. And you wonder why I have a drinking problem?

And finally, the Peter King Memorial Annoying/Interesting Travel Moment:
I’ve learned that if you ever want to be left alone on a flight, bring a copy of “American Psycho” to read. People will look at you weird and leave the seat next to you empty if at all possible (Openly reading a book about a cannibalistic Wall Street serial killer will do that to people). It’s like instant leg room.

I think that’s it for this episode. I apologize for it being so crappy this time, but when you spend half your time in Texas afraid to be more than 30 feet from a bathroom, it’ll put a damper on your blog writing.