NBA Preview-Eastern Conference

Wow, is it late October already? With my 60 hour work weeks and rampant alcoholism, it just snuck up on me. Anyway, since I refuse to do an NBA preview when the best player in the game’s status still isn’t decided, let’s do something I’m more comfortable with. NBA team previews on hilarity. Let’s start in the Atlantic:

Atlantic:
1. Knicks – 8.5 (out of 10 on the hilarity scale)
Let’s face it, the Knicks are one of the favorites this year. They’re only problem is that they might have peeked too soon, like the preseason. A lot of skeptics are saying it will be tough to beat the offseason sexual harassment lawsuit but I’m not so sure. You’ll have the fact that the coach likes to call people “bitches” so that won’t get old for awhile. Interns will be given the night off when the Knicks come to town. The X factor here really is Zach Randolph. Can he take the Knicks to the next level? They’ve been a chronic disappointment without him. Can he get a sexual assault case to really push them over the edge? My guess is no, but pencil him in for a few visits to Scores that make Page 6.
2. Toronto – 4.5
They’re players are really unfunny. You could make a few Canadian jokes, but those don’t last too long. Sam Mitchell’s band of coaching zaniness needs to really step up this year if Toronto’s going to have any chance to compete.
3. Celtics - 3.5
Nothing really too funny here, except that when either one of the Big 3 get hurt, Sports Guy will bitch about the Celtics being cursed while the Red Sox and Patriots raise they’re championship banners and BC licks the wounds off they’re drubbing in a bowl game against the SEC. Tommy Heinson and Brian Scalabrine keep them out of the cellar.
4. Nets – 3
The Nets and Celtics will be neck and neck this year as numerous Jason Kidd groping jokes will be made. Large head jokes about his child aren’t funny any more. Marcus Williams laptop jokes, as well as weed jokes about their # 1 pick are.
5. 76ers – 1.5
More pathetic than funny. Could be a dark horse if Philly fans decide to torch the arena.

Central
1. Pistons - 6
Only because of Sheed. I thought people named “Flip” would be a little more funny, but I guess I was wrong.
2. Bucks – 5.5
The sleeper in the east. They have a 7 foot Chinese guy who didn’t want to go to Milwaukee because he didn’t think there were enough hot women there. You have Andrew Bogut returning back after spending the summer telling Australian newspapers that all NBA players care about it cars and jewelry. And finally, you have the go to prowess of Charlie Villanuava’s eyebrows. Could surprise some teams. Don’t forget they have Spree’s yacht parked somewhere in the general vicinity.
3. Cavs - 4.5
Damon Jones is always good for one ridiculous story every year (though it’s usually pathetic). Other than that, it’s numerous jokes about LeBron’s supporting cast. Hopefully Drew Gooden can bring back his ducktail haircut.
4. Pacers – 2
Mike Dunleavy Jr is always good for a laugh. They’re just not the same without Ron Ron and Stephen Jackson. Maybe Jermaine O’Neal can go back to playing pick up at the Y. His blocks were quite hilarious.
5. Bulls – 1.5
They’re only comedic potential is if Joakim Noah tears his knee up Shaun Livingston style, because I will laugh my ass off at him. It’s been 4 years since I found out about Luol Deng’s trip to NYU after a Duke game at the Garden to find white women, and frankly, I think that joke has run its course.

Southeast
1. Wizards – 9.5
Gilbert Arenas is the rare NBA player that can be hilarious without getting arrested. Most NBA players can get away with one really funny thing a year and get suspended for it. Gilbert just goes online and posts about paintball fights or goes off a trampoline at the all star game. He never gets in actual trouble, so he’s not only the funniest right now, but most consistent. DeShawn Stevenson decided to give himself the nickname “Mr. 50” not because he scored 50 or anything like that. No, because his field goal percentage was above 50%. Other than that, he’s got his name and number tattooed on his back just in case he forgets his jersey or something like that. Plus, his myspace page offered 10 stacks (or “to you ignorant motherfuckers $10,000”), to anyone who could get him Lindsay Lohan’s phone number. Needless to say, despite his denials that it was his myspace page, he’s moved up the Barney rankings.
Finally, they have Andray Blatche who was arrested for soliciting a prostitute this summer. Really? NBA players need to pay for sex? I thought Starbury established that all you need is a truck to ask them to get into. Even more ridiculous is that he was arrested at Dupont Circle. That place has like 2 Starbucks on opposite ends of the circle so people don’t have to walk around.
2. Heat – 8.5
The Heat made the biggest off season move in picking up Ricky Davis. Him in South Beach after years stuck in Minnesota might be the key to putting them over the top. Smush Parker could be a sleeper (I know from personal experience because he hit me in the nuts with a three inch chain that could have been used in the Anchorman fight. You need a wild card like that). You know what you’re getting in White Chocolate. It all really depends on how Shaq and Wade handle being newly single. Shaq quoted Tony Montana when he was traded to the Heat about Miami (“It’s just one big…”), let’s see if he follows through with that promise. If not, he’ll have to make a few random arrests throughout the season (possibly on Ricky Davis). I’d feel better about this team if Miami was hosting the Super Bowl again.
3. Magic – 6.5
First, there are the numerous jokes you can make about Rashard Lewis’ contract. Then there’s this guy:

See even token blonde chicks give this guy the finger. What a douche bag outfit he has on too. No matter what happens in life, I will always have JJ Reddick getting a tattoo with his grandma to fall back on. Hedo Turkoglu is always good for a few jokes as well.
4. Atlanta – 3.5
Insert random joke about they’re crowd here. Acie Earl IV might be the answer at point guard so that one could go.
5. Charlotte – 1.5
With Bad Mustache/Crying Adam Morrison gone for the year, I don’t see the Bobcats making an impact unless they start to release MJ’s blackjack stories.

Playoffs:
No. 1 Washington vs. No. 8 Cleveland
Gilbert and random guys who came to install his tv are given paintball guns and go to town on the King. If only Cleveland could sign gay ass Brady Quinn to a 10 day contract. Washington moves on.
No. 2. New York vs. No. 7 Toronto
New York convinces David Lee this is a real game and he averages 43 rebounds per game through out the series. Meanwhile, the Garden plays continuous clips of Marbury’s tv show, while Isiah just laughs at the franchise he nearly destroyed. New York moves on.
No. 3 Miami vs. No. 6 Milwaukee
Upset of the year right here. Officer Shaq imposes law & order on his team in an attempt to win one final championship. Yi Jainlian playing 20 minutes a night as a promise to the Chinese government backfires and hilarity ensues as the Bush administration is reluctant to step in despite this and lead paint in toys. Milwaukee moves on in a stunner.
No. 4 Detroit vs. No. 5 Orlando
Sheed goes back to his normal post season soundtrack of “Both Teams Played Hard.” The series is over immediately afterwards.

Round 2:Washington vs. Detroit
“Both Teams Played Hard” is no match for “My swag was phenomenal.” The Wizards win this one in an easier series than expected.
New York vs. Milwaukee
Nate Robinson, underutilized throughout the year, tries to throw an alley-oop to himself off the backboard in traffic that ultimately wins this series.
Eastern Conference Championship.
Washington vs. New York
Political vs. Economic power square off. An awful matchup for Washington since Gilbert has already admitted he thinks Starbury is crazy, which is saying a lot. Blatche’s hooker exploits are matched and exceeded by Randolph’s stripper exploits. With Arenas neutralized, Nate Robinson proves to be the X factor by starting a fight with Brendan Haywood. Haywood, accustomed to fighting teammate Etan Thomas everyday in practice is ill prepared for this height differential and Nasty Nate is able to slip in a low blow for the win. This occurs in late May/early June as scores of college summer interns flood Manhattan for a party that is not soon forgotten.

Up next…the West.

It's About Fucking Time

http://www.nfl.com/news/story?id=09000d5d803b97b9&template=with-video&confirm=true
Thank you Mr. Mangini for trying to get something productive out of this season besides a chance at McFadden/Ryan.

Gonna be a busy week for me. NBA starts, the Red Sox just won another World Series, A-Rod proved again to be the most selfish player on the planet (Though Joba Chamberlin has already taken his place in the "Jeter sucks, A-Rod swallows" chant)...am I forgetting something? Oh yeah, American Gangster comes out on Friday, only my most anticipated movie of the year and Jay Z drops an album in a week. My boss better not expect much out of me this week (I also could have tackled some of this in the hour and a half break I took to hit the bar between 2 & 3:30 today, but me turn down a bar trip? Not going to happen, my friend (day 2 of sobriety is gone already. This isn't going as I planned)).

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 8

Another edition of Monday Morning Hangover. This is the first that I recall is actually posted on a Monday and surprise, I’m not hungover this morning. Completely sober last night. I know kids, I’m scarred too.

Saturday
We start with my favorite game of the year, “The World’s Largest Cocktail Party.” Knowshaun Moreno is a bad man. He just demolished Florida. Now let’s work on that first name.
I was also reminded that Georgia gets the award for most ignorant school in the SEC (which is quite an accomplishment). Not only do they have a mascot named Uga (someone probably spent 0.4 seconds coming up with that), but they continue to play Civil War battle songs after touchdowns.

I’m glad that the biggest game of the year in the Pac 10 so far this year wasn’t available on tv. Pac 10, you lose the right to say there’s an East Coast Bias if you can’t get your own tv deal to show us here on the East Coast your games. While I’m at it, fuck you ABC for showing Maryland/Clemson instead of South Florida/UConn. I hate regional programming.

Ok ABC, you redeemed yourself by playing Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” before the Ohio St-Penn St followed by Penn St’s white out. I’m sufficiently excited for now. We’ll see how I am after a few drinks. Alright, Kelli Rowland and 50 Cent sufficiently killed my buzz. I hate you again ABC.

Flipping to the World Series, I just want to note that Carrie Underwood could catch it. Fuck you Tony Romo.

Herbstreit: “(Penn St Running Back)…is fast and shifty.”
Me: “Too bad the one who’s on trial for rape wasn’t fast and shifty in getting out of the chick.” (Yes, I know I’m going to hell).

I think we’re taking up a new cause here on The Barney Show: The Big Ten Sucks Campaign (because the ‘. If Ohio St makes it to the National Championship game again, I might have to stop watching college football. They’re best win would be against a team that lost to a I-AA team and got dismantled at home by Oregon. Everyone will say, “Well, they beat everyone in the Big Ten.” That’s circular logic people. If everyone in the Big Ten sucks (which they do), all that shows is that Ohio St. sucks less. By my count, the Big Ten has defeated exactly zero good teams outside of conference play. I can’t wait to see them play Boston College who’s biggest win would be against a team that lost by 30 to LSU.

My favorite comment I’ve seen with regards to the BCS. “If there is a God, he’ll find a way to have Oregon and West Virginia play in the title game.” Amen to that. I’ll take the over please.

By now, if you haven’t seen the Trinity 15 lateral finish, google that shit. Most ridiculous thing ever.

Sunday
On to the NFL, where I protested the NFL’s game in London out of principle. I am not a fan of this international crap. First off, it took a home game away from Miami. I know this won’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things this year because Miami sucks monkey tit, but one year it will keep a team out of the playoffs. And then, all hell will break lose. Also, it’s a slap in the face to the fans of the team that has to go over there because they lose a chance to see another game (there are only 8 of them a year. It’s not like catching a Simpson rerun). Finally, the rest of the world hasn’t earned the right to watch the NFL. Enjoy your soccer, Europeans. There’s a reason we had to save your ass in WWII. It’s because we grow up trying to hit the living piss out of each other, and not take dives.

As for the 4 o’clock game, I was stuck watching the Patriots surgically destroy the Redskins. Just an ass kicking in every sense of the word. This week, the Pats decided to boost they’re QB’s rushing statistics, so Brady had a 2 and 3 yard TD run (they’re the same as a TD pass in fantasy to me), and they’re backup QB had a 15 yard run. They also threw in a tackle eligible touchdown, and a fake spike play for a touchdown for good measure. Like Prince at a club, normal TDs bore them.

My dad and I find talking about the Jets too depressing. I mentioned to him that the Jets should start losing for a better draft pick, only to remind myself that they had 2 wins going into December 2005, and then won 2 of their last 4 to move themselves back in the draft. The Jets can’t even lose right. My dad already has his sights set on BC’s Matt Ryan. He’s undeterred by the fact that they invested in Clemens 2 years ago. Irish Catholic QB’s don’t grow on trees and cannot be passed up in his mind.

And finally, my moral dilemma I’m faced with tonight. If Denver wins, I win $450. If they lose, I’d have to live with the fact that the boss I hate is celebrating. I think the only acceptable route to go is to root for Denver, but promise I’ll throw money at her tomorrow at work. I probably won’t make it rain, I’ll just get a wad of $1, roll them up and use them as a projectile. That’s an acceptable compromise in my eyes.

South Beach Beware

First Ricky Davis, the most notorious partier in the NBA, gets traded to the Heat. Then, the next day I find out who will be joining him in South Beach:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/10252007/gossip/pagesix/south_beach_bite.htm
That’s right, the Vick brothers. Good Lord, it’s going to be crazy in South Beach. I can’t even find the words to describe it. My favorite part is “his brother Marcus, who was released by the Miami Dolphins and has charges of statutory rape pending, has no problem partying it up with the ladies in his brother's pad." Really? Why does that not surprise me? The only bad thing about this article is that they misspell Dwyane Wade’s name. In the words of Mark Jackson, “C’mon Post, you’re better than that.”

In something completely non-related, Roger Goodell has been praised for his decision to limit the time between picks in the first round of the draft from 15 to 10 minutes. I would like to respectfully disagree. There is a certain joy I get out of completely wasting a Saturday to watch the draft, when I could get the same information in 15 minutes from a newspaper the next morning. Mr. Goodell, if I’m going to be gluttonous, I’m not half assing it. Give me a 6 hour first round. There was a certain pride in being able to sit through the entire thing. Also, changing the start time until 3 PM? What is that shit? I now have to wait 3 more hours to start drinking? That is horseshit.

Monday Morning Hangover-Week 7

And we’re back with another exciting week of Monday Morning Hangover. We’ve been gone the past two weeks (Irish Day and Texas), but we’re back.

Saturday gave more credit to my theory that the winner of the SEC should be the national champion. Take LSU. The past three weeks they’ve played Florida, at Kentucky and Auburn. I doubt anyone else in the country plays a harder three weeks than that. They just beat the crap out of each other every week. Meanwhile, the rest of the country plays mediocre teams and one hard game a month. At least give the SEC champ an automatic bid to the national championship game.

Easiest upset to see: South Florida against Rutgers. South Florida had its “where did these guys come from?” media week prior to it. Hardly anyone is ever successful after this week (see Rutgers last year).

It’s October 23rd and I’ve officially started to mentally brace myself to accept that Tim Tebow is the best player in America. I suggest you do the same.

Before we get into the week in the NFL, let’s talk about my Friday night. I had wanted to go home right from work and get a good night sleep since I haven’t had one in like 2 weeks. So what did I do? Went immediately to happy hour. After a few drinks at Doh Boy’s house, we went to a bar that had shuffleboard. After 2-3 games amongst ourselves, other people wanted to challenge us. I’m matched up against a semi-cute girl who seems pretty chill. Since I’m at least 6 drinks in, I start talking to her. I’m not sure if she’s with the guy she’s with, so I play it cool. Then she drops the hammer: “I’m a Yankees fan.” That’s it, game over, we’re not going there. This won’t work. Most other people could put this aside (at least for a night at try and nut in her face, which would be acceptable), but there is no way possible I can go the entire night without fucking this up by making a “Jeter sucks, A-Rod swallows” reference. I’m a few jack on the rocks from just saying things like “Roger Clemens,” and just pointing and laughing. The final kicker was that she thought it was time for Torre to go. These are the same ungrateful fucks that boo Rivera after a slow April a few years ago. The only acceptable form of sexual relations with these are donkey punches. (You’re probably reading this saying I’m the most fucked up person alive, or the most principled.)
Since this bar wasn’t going to work and Doh Boy was a couple drinks away from turning into that guy, I decided to make moves. My friend LA called earlier saying she was going out and wanted to know if I would meet up with her and her friends using the logic, “Well, I knew you went out for drinks and no one else wanted to come, but I knew you’d be up for drinking some more.” I don’t know if I should be proud of that or ashamed, but I went anyway for no other reason than I didn’t have anything better to do (getting a good night sleep was out of the question after 2 drinks). So I take a 20 minute train ride, but because of connections, took an hour (far too much sobering up time). So I immediately go to jack on the rocks. After the bar, we went back to her friends place to watch the Chappelle stand up (the grape drink one), and I continue to drink jack. Somehow, I really didn’t think I was that drunk.
Saturday morning said other wise as I woke up and was described as “rough”. I still had a pretty good buzz going. Normally, I’d be on the “play it cool and get out of here without looking like a moron” card. Unfortunately, this was rendered impossible when I get a ride to the train in, wait for it…a DODGE STRATUS. After my first attempt to say “I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS” didn’t go over so well, I wasn’t deterred and had to say it again. Guess there weren’t any Will Ferrell fans in the car. Just the way to end a ridiculous night. Let’s just get back to football.

The Houston-Tennessee matchup killed me to pick not knowing if Vince Young wasn’t playing. So I picked Houston just in case. Of course, Kerry Collins and Sage Rosenfels decided to have a shootout and I lost. Fuckin’ A man.

Shout out to Max McGee, one of the legends of the game, who passed away this weekend. He caught the first touchdown in a Super Bowl while extremely hungover. He’ll get his own region next year in the “Who’s Barney?” competition.

Damn me for picking Jacksonville this week. I fell into the thoughts that it was a trap game for Indy, which everyone else seemed to think too. It’s not a trap game if every says it is.

We’re officially in tank mode for the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. The McFadden sweepstakes begin this week. Let’s get it cracking. I’m ashamed they can’t bring back Vinny Testeverde to complete this abomination of a season. Until next week, stay classy.

Texas Toast

One of the few things I remember about my two hour drunk discussion/monologue with my mom a few weeks ago was when she told me, “Sarcasm is a defense mechanism.” Well, if that’s true Mom, this show is the motherfuckin’ Marines. We continue to blaze on to the Shores of Tripoli (aka Texas) on this episode. As always, quotes will be heavily included.

“That’s the gayest thing since gay went to Gaytown.” - Master Shake
I land in Dallas around 10:30 and go to get my rental car. Being that I’m one of the last ones in for that day, I end up with a rather sparse selection: a Ford Focus, a Kia, and two PT Cruisers. Alamo has a policy where they just leave the cars out there with keys in them and you take what you want. I tried to get into the Ford first, but the doors were locked (service at 11 was less than adequate to get this rectified). On to the Kia, which I was able to get into, but did not start (I turned the key and nothing happened). So I end up choosing a navy blue PT Cruiser (less gay than a cherry red one). I’m ashamed that I have to write this paragraph it was so gay.

“All they have in Texas are steers and queers.” – Full Metal Jacket
How have I not used this quote before? I feel I’ve done you, the reader, a disservice. Anyway, on Friday I took my daughter to the Texas State Fair. I came prepared for anything. This was justified when I entered the fair under a giant cowboy’s legs (in the Texas state flag colors, of course). It was further justified when I found out that any food possible can be deep fried (Deep Fried Oreos? Snickers? No wonder our country has a bit of a “weight problem”). I did try the deep fried oreos just for the experience and ended up vomiting them back up.
Two questions were answered on this trip however:
“Are blue ribbon really given out a state fairs?” - Yes. I thought this was just a media stereotype, but yes, there are actual state fairs where blue ribbons are handed out. The Texas one had an actual hall dedicated to last year’s winners, with an endless supply of categories (house wares? Marmalade? Yes, these were actual categories).
“Is it economically viable to have a large piece of land just outside a major metropolitan area that is neglected for most of the year and is only used for one month out of the year?” - Apparently yes. This was the amazing part for me. That there was actual construction and buildings that exist solely for the state fair that is used for one month a year. The fact that it’s right outside Dallas further amazed me. Once again, I need to get out of my northeast mindset when assessing property values for the rest of the country. On the plus side, I got to see the Cotton Bowl. Yes, I know my life is pathetic that this is what passes for a positive these days.

“Sir, I run Hullabalooza's pageant of the transmundane --the freak show, and I've been looking for a big fatso to shoot with a cannon. I'd like very much for you to be that fatso.”
- The Simpsons, “Homerpalooza”
This whole trip was totally redeemed in my eyes by the fact that I got to see a human cannonball. The guy shot himself 180 feet. Easily the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time. I was about to make a comment like, “How does one get into the human cannonball profession”, but the guy answered it before I could even ask by saying that his dad was the trailblazer in the family when it came to human cannonballers. He was a real showman. He also said that him and his father have passed the world record back and forth 5 times. It would have been better if he had said something like, “I’m not recognizing the record that homo Frenchman set,” but hey, I’m not complaining.

“Wanna go to the pig races?”
“Can you gamble on these races?” – Barney
When the answer was no, this was crossed off our to-do list. If it had been a yes, it would have immediately gone to # 1 on the list followed by a call to my dad asking, “Who do you like in the 3rd pig race? Dirty Dan? ChubbRock? The Amazing Pig Man? Want an exacta?”

Let’s pause for a second for a fact that you will almost certainly not get anywhere else besides The Barney Show: You know that song “Duffel Bag Boy?” It’s by some random rapper, and has Lil’ Wayne singing the hook. I’m fairly certain they sampled the chorus from the theme song to Ghostbusters II. In fact, if they didn’t actually credit it, I’d like to be a lawyer and approach whoever did do that song (somehow, Bobby Brown sticks out in my head. I’m sure he wouldn’t turn down free money). Anyway, that’s been in my head since the first time I heard it and just wanted to get it on record. Feel free to quote that as fact to your friends. I’ve heard it makes great conversation at dinner parties.

“Me and Mark are moving in together.” – Old School
On the cover of American Airlines’ magazine was Ellen Pompeo and I realized why I can’t take Gray’s Anatomy seriously: Because the star of the show will always be the chick from Old School. I would probably be watching the show and start yelling at the screen, “You know Mitch banged Elisha Cuthbert as well? How do you like them apples?” And you know how much her character sucks? She only has one quote under the memorable quotes page on imdb and it’s just to set up a joke. I’d probably be so hostile by season 2 that I’d be throwing things at the tv and randomly quoting Beanie to myself, “One vagina the rest of your life. Real smart, Barney. Way to work it through.” (That right there is a scenario that has a lot of if statements behind it. Like …if I had a girlfriend, …if she liked Gray’s Anatomy, …if I managed to stay sober before 9 PM.)
I could give you 150,000 guesses at what was on the cover of Sky Mall and you’d never get it. (Wait for it…) Fat Heads. Yes, those giant wall stickers that commercials air on ESPNEWS was on the cover of the magazine. Yes, the commercial that has Ben Roethlisberger in it. I’m completely serious. I guess they’re other option was putting the urban sombrero on the cover.

“And the new guy is in the back, puking his guts out and the doctor is like, ‘OH MY GOD’.” - Tommy Boy
That new guy, that was me this weekend. I enjoy waking up at midnight and start puking water up. Also fun is having to make the decision, “Do I continue to stand upright puking and pray I don’t shit myself or do I sit down and hope I don’t puke on myself?” No one wins either way.
So once again, it’s my luck to have the one day I was going to spend with just my daughter cancelled because of sickness. And you wonder why I have a drinking problem?

And finally, the Peter King Memorial Annoying/Interesting Travel Moment:
I’ve learned that if you ever want to be left alone on a flight, bring a copy of “American Psycho” to read. People will look at you weird and leave the seat next to you empty if at all possible (Openly reading a book about a cannibalistic Wall Street serial killer will do that to people). It’s like instant leg room.

I think that’s it for this episode. I apologize for it being so crappy this time, but when you spend half your time in Texas afraid to be more than 30 feet from a bathroom, it’ll put a damper on your blog writing.

Jalen Rose is Awesome

Jalen Rose just put this billboard up in Detroit on 7 Mile Road. Couldn't have said it better myself Jalen. (Eventually I'll get around to writing an episode about the Fab Five. They were the most influential team on me. They planted the seed of a love of baggy shorts, rap music and alliteration (bonus points if you get that reference))

Irish Day 2007

I know you’re asking yourself, “What did Barney do this Irish Day?” A brief summary:

- I left the Dirty at 4:30 in the morning and got to the West End at 9 and immediately started drinking Jameson.
- K Dog joined me an hour later still drunk from the night before.
- We hit the bars starting at around noon.
- By 3, I’m threatening to fight K-Dog for doing the Soldja Boy dance (possibly the worst thing in the history of the world besides “Who’s Now?”)
- Around 4, I had my last lucid thought that I can remember: “I really want to hook up with . She looks like a young Ann Coulter.” (At this point, I probably should have stopped drinking. I mean, that’s just weird.) It’s just actions at this point.
- Me and K-Dog proceeded to another bar. Happy, drunk Barney turned into angry drunk Barney very quickly upon seeing someone that he didn’t like as the bartender. Making him angrier, this person took 15 minutes to serve K-Dog a beer (it’s a bitch being the one black guy out on Irish Day). Once K-Dog had a few sips, I said, “You about ready to head out? Ok, I’m going outside to puke on the side of this building, I’ll meet you outside in 5.” The best part was that I said it in the same manner if I had been taking the trash outside the building. (Luckily I was cognizant enough to realize that there were multiple bouncers outside this building and would beat my ass if I did)
- I went home to chill out for a bit. I kept drinking Jameson. My mom was home so we were talking. Three hours (and a semi intervention) later, I was done for the night. I don’t remember anything I said to my mom, but it was something along the lines of I’m a complete alcoholic, I hate my job, I have the worst luck, what do I do. Upon leaving the house on Sunday, all my mom said to me was, “Take care of yourself, Barney, take care of yourself.”
- So after an interesting discussion, I decided to not go out to the bars again. As is my luck, a ridiculously hot girl two years younger than me asked K-Dog where I was. I just can’t win.
- Upon driving home, I puked into a Burger King bag on the Belt Parkway and I-95.
- So a performance like that made me realize I need to take a break. I’ve currently gone 77 hours without a drink. I’m hoping to make it a week. So if my episodes are a little less interesting, you’ll know why. Oh wait, I’m going to the Texas State Fair in two days. That should suffice.

Irish Day - Part II

As promised, I now bring you the story of my # 1 Irish Day, 1999.

It was October 1999. I was a high school junior and was still figuring this drinking thing out. My first real Irish Day, I decided to go out Friday night (still the only time I’ve gone out the night before). I don’t remember much about this night, except that I’m fairly certain my Beanie Siegel The Truth album was taken from me (a really under rated album by the way) this night. I could be wrong though. After sleeping at this girls house who Benny Boy denied hooking up with (right), we biked (this is how young we were) back to his house. We ended up going to the high school football game (we hadn’t discovered the joys of drinking all day) and then finally made it back to my house in the West End (still sober at this point). We finally start drinking around 6 at his ex-girlfriends house (Benny Boy had a complex relationship with her. I’m not sure what they’re status was at this point).
After an hour or two of drinking (we were in high school. It didn’t take much) I was pretty buzzed/drunk. Benny Boy’s girlfriend’s friend (we’ll call her The Fro) starts talking to me and within minutes we’re making out (your guess is as good as mine as to how I manage that). Within minutes after that, I’m fingerbanging her in BB’s girlfriend’s bedroom. That’s when luck decided to start swinging the other way. Suddenly Benny Boy and his girlfriend of whatever the hell they were at the time decide they’re going somewhere else. Me and the Fro decide to play it cool and say, “We’ll catch up with you.” Instead of doing something sensible (like asking if we could use her house for another hour), we decided that we still want to hook up, let’s move this little shindig to the beach. While on the beach, we continue hooking up. After 20 minutes of this, she says “I want to have sex, do you have a condom?” (To this day I wonder how I accomplished this. I was about to lose my virginity and to this day I have never gotten easier pussy. I hadn’t talked to this girl in my three years in high school. I knew her, but I don’t think I even said hi. And within 30 minutes of our first conversation, I’m about to lose my virginity.) And that’s where the legend began.
Most guys if they’re going out carry a condom, “Just in case.” Well I had no idea I would be making out with someone never mind having sex on this night. Plus I had never had any thoughts I would get laid anytime soon, so I had never purchased condoms before. Thus began the famed “Midnight Run.” Not wanting to risk losing a chance to lose my virginity, I needed to hurry up. Being that this was cross country season and high school drinking was only a six pack tops, I was in decent shape to go for a run. The West End has the highest concentration of deli’s in the world (a completely non-scientific study) yet none of them seemed to have any condoms. Here was my luck, I can finally get some and the ability to find a condom evades me. I must have stopped at 4 places. Finally, the last deli in the West End had one’s that were able to be found by my drunk ass (several days later I discovered there were available at nearly one I had stopped at). Distance traveled to said deli: roughly a 0.5-0.6 miles. Then I had to run back. Luckily as I said, it was cross country season and I was able to do this pretty easily despite my toxicity.
After quickly hurrying back, I lost my virginity in some of the least spectacular sex ever performed (I would go as far as Ron Burgandy upon laying in the sand: “I regret this decision immediately.” Sex on the beach is overrated, unless you plan on not using a condom (…nothing can go wrong with that, right? Right?)) Normally, this would just be your normal drunken night with Barney story, except for one thing.
I came into school (I typed work first; I have seemed to forget how good I had it going to school) on Monday and everyone already knew the story. To make it worse, this chick wasn’t whack, but wasn’t someone you would brag about bagging. I didn’t call her The Fro in this narrative for no reason. She didn’t have that bad of a body (if you ignore the pastiness), but her voice was approaching Fran Drescher territory. It was the talk of the entire school for the first few days that week (I wish I was lying. It got to a point where I wasn’t even part of the story, the running part was its own. I had to admit that “this motherfucker” was me at one point because the story did not involve a named protagonist). This is how bad it was: my senior year, a teacher gave out Christmas gifts to his seniors which were suggestive of certain “things” they’ve done over the course of the past four years. I received a t-shirt that had “Midnight Run” written on it. It brought down the house. I kept that shirt for years until I finally moved out and I’ve always wondered what my mom thought when she saw it in my drawer.
And what happened to The Fro and Barnes? She somehow got my number and called my house. I don’t know who had a more pained face when I got the message that she had called, my mom or me. After doing my normal “Barney on the Phone” routine (I am possibly the worst conversationalist on a phone in the world), she stopped calling.
Anyway, in the words of Charlie Murphy: “That shit really happened.”

Irish Day - Part I

Let the countdown begin to my favorite day of the year: Irish Day. In case you are unfamiliar to Irish Day (and why wouldn’t you be? This is a regional, regional, regional holiday), it’s the first Saturday in October when they shut the streets of the West End down for a celebration of the Irish culture. And by our culture, they have a parade with bagpipes and every one gets shit faced. It’s an elaborate excuse for the bars (at least nine in a mile by 0.2 mile strip of land) to get one more big day before the fall starts. As one who needs little excuse to drink (sometimes as little as, “I woke up this morning”), an organize effort like this is appreciated.
What do my parents think?
Dad: I hate Irish Day. I have to park a mile from the house and then people wake me up when I go to sleep at 8:30 on a Saturday night.
Mom: I’m not a big fan of Irish Day. I think it sends to wrong message about Irish people and the West End.
And my opinion: Let’s see, I wake up and start drinking and there are people to drink with. It’s the greatest day ever.
So in order to get those Barney readers prepared for this weekends drunkening, I’m doing a preview episode. I think the record so far for earliest drinking time is 7:30. The longest I’ve drank for is 15 consecutive hours. Now that you have the stats, we’re going to do a preview by reviewing the previous 8 Irish Days and ranking them. Part I includes Irish Days 8-2. Number 1 is deserving of its own episode since it’s the defining High School Barney story. Let’s get started:
# 8 – 2005: Did not attend Irish Day. Worked until Friday at 7:30 and did not have the energy to wake up the next morning to drive to the West End. Called myself a pussy repeatedly.
# 7 – 2002: Being as I remember absolutely nothing about this day except that there was a good chance I drank very cheap vodka with orange juice all day, I can’t rank this very high.
# 6 – 2003: Ranks higher than 2002 because while I don’t remember anything about this day, I was bright enough to bring a camera with me. The only two pictures that I remember are me taking my first drink with a clock reading 8:00 in it and a picture of some girl’s ass. In a related story, I was a full fledged member of The Zoo at the time, so that seems about right.
# 5 – 2006: Nothing really memorable happened this year (none that I can remember), but this was the only year that my dad enjoyed. The reason: The Yankees getting their ass kicked by the Tigers. We laughed for 3 hours straight. It was great.
# 4 – 2001: You would think this would be higher, but it doesn’t age as well as my life changes. Back as a freshman in college, I used this weekend as a time to spend with the girl I had been seeing in high school. We spent approximately 3 hours lying in bed together. 2007 Barney looks back and calls 2001 Barney a biggity bitch and laughs. 2001 Barney redeems himself someone by starting to drink right after she left. Not just drinking, but drinking with Legendary Frank. If you know Drunk Barney, you know he can be an asshole. Take Drunk Barney, and put him on steroids and maybe you have Legendary Frank. I learned everything from that man and it was an honor to drink with him. I could spend days telling Legendary Frank stories, but I don’t have that time now. Just know that he gave me the name Barney, made it stick, and used to tell the black kids at practice who were running sprints slow, to, “Run like you have a tv on your back.”
# 3 – 2000: We decided to play a drinking game. Being high schoolers, we had no idea what a good drinking game would be. Since the Miami-Florida St game was on (back when it still meant something) we decided to do shots every time there was a score. There was about 7 minutes left. In that time frame, one team scored twice, the other once. We did shots for the extra points, because that was a separate score. We did shots of 101 proof Wild Turkey. This did not end well, as I was vomiting within an hour after the game. This one gets bonus points because I ended up going out that night. And thus, a warrior was born.
# 2 – 2004: My senior year of college was a shining example of how far I’d come in 4 years. I began drinking at 8, didn’t end until 1 am in a different state. I drank on the trip to New Jersey. The only pause I had might have had was on the 30 minute walk to the train station. I ended up going to a party in the Boken of Hos, and only stopped at 1 am because they ran out of beer. I was a champ that night.
# 1…wait on it. To be posted tomorrow.

The Stephen Jackson Experience Continues

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=3045549

I'm not sure what I'm more impressed by: That a guy suspended 7 games for shooting in the air at a strip club decides to get a new tattoo with him praying with a gun in his hand or that the Warriors selected that man as their captain. Either way, Stephen Jackson remains awesome.

Monday Morning Hangover - Week 4

On paper it looked like one of those weeks where you say, “Hmm…maybe I can skip some football this week. The matchups aren’t great, I could be a normal person this weekend and maybe see a movie (The Kingdom looks good), visit friends or family, normal people stuff. WRONG. I had to check him again. (Wait, I’m not Charlie Murphy. Ok, that makes sense because I’m neither large, black nor wearing a Kangol hat. Good to know.) Then you end up with 5 of the top 10 teams losing in college football. The lesson here: Avoid all semblance of a life starting in September. Work 60 hour weeks and watch 16 hours a week of football. Your social life is non-existent. At least for me. Let’s go through my reactions to these losses (because I know you, the reader, woke up this morning and said, “I wonder what Barney has to say about these so-called “upsets” in the college football world. I pray that he has an opinion on these.” You sir, are in luck, because I’m about to summarize my feelings on these loses in order of least surprising):

West Virginia – This gets least surprising status because I saw them a -7 on the road against a team that beat them last year in Morgantown and nearly did a backflip. Unfortunately, I was too busy on Friday at work (I left the office at 9) to let anyone know that I thought the University of Southern Florida would be a wise choice in this matchup (How about this matchup? Like 1 person will get that reference. Probably because only 10 people know of the hilarity of Nasty Nate. I will do an episode on that man, I promise.)

Texas – I’ve been waiting for the inevitable Texas loss ever since I saw the youtube video of them doing the Solja Boy (or whatever the hell his name is) dance on the sidelines of an actual game. I was absolutely dumbfounded when I saw that. I’ve been on plenty a sideline of college games hurt, and even then I didn’t think about dancing. Nevermind if I was playing.

Rutgers – This team doesn’t seem to do well with success.

Oklahoma – I kind of thought this team was a fraud. Colorado proved it. Between this win and one of their fans giving the finger on national tv, I might start watching Colorado.

Florida – How do they overlook Auburn when that was their one loss last year? Looking ahead to LSU next week? Possibly. I went to bed (read: passed out) last night with them down 14-0 and still thought they would come back.

I had a revelation this weekend regarding college football: Every team sucks. I started to come up with this theory a couple of weeks ago when trying to determine if any team from a state that was in the Union during the Civil War will ever win another national championship again (My conclusion was that only West Virginia had a chance because the Big Ten is fuckin’ awful. Consider that theory scrapped. Not the whole thing, just the West Virginia part). I’ve now expanded it. Move Vanderbilt to the ACC, and have USC play in the SEC. The conference champion is the national champion, no questions asked. (I know you’ll say, “USC is at a disadvantage in that it has major travel issues for every road game.” My response: “Yeah, well every team going out to USC has travel issues for everyone of their home games. They cancel each other out. Plus, USC has the advantage that recruits would be in Los Angeles, with thousands of hot women, while their competition would be recruiting to such sprawling metropolises such as Gainsville, Florida, Baton Rouge, Lousiana, Athens, Georgia and such. I think this is a fair deal.”) Wait, you think other conferences are worthy of the crown? Let me rank each BCS conference in the suckiness scale, on a scale of 1 to10, with 10 being the most sucky:

ACC: 14 on the suckiness scale. Wake Fuckin’ Forest got your BCS bid last year. Louisville rocked NC State this week. Miami got demolished in Stillwater. Until Miami and/or Florida State become relevant, they’re out of my new conference (If Randy Shannon gets Miami together, they can replace Mississippi State).

Big Ten: 13.9 on the suckiness scale. I’m hoping Michigan runs the table in Big Ten conference play this season just to prove that its no better than I-AA ball. Ohio State set this conference back 10 years with its pitiful performance in the Fiesta Bowl. The fact that Penn State and Michigan consider themselves national powers is a joke.

Big 12: 13.8 on the suckiness scale. Remember 1997 when people were worried that this conference was a super power? Well I do, and let me say, those fears were unrealized. It’s basically the Texas-Oklahoma winner, and unless Vince Young is your quarterback, you ain’t winning in January. Plus, Oklahoma embarrassing itself in a bowl game is becoming America’s second favorite New Year’s tradition besides promising to lose weight but not doing so.

Big East. 13.7 on the suckiness scale. At least the Big East has the common courtesy to win its bowl games. But as of right now, its teams in first place are Syracuse, South Florida and UConn. That is not a legitimate conference. Though South Florida intrigues me in that after Florida’s loss, it could be the # 1 team in Florida

Note, this suckiness scale will be revised weekly in Monday Morning Hangover to reflect any additional suckiness So let’s just go with LSU, Arkansas, Florida, Auburn, Georgia, Tennessee, Ole Miss, Alabama, South Carolina, Mississippi State and USC and the winner is the Champ.

Also, lets cut out three months of crap and just have USC/Cal play, and the winner takes on LSU. 4-8 are Ohio State (haven’t beaten anybody this year), Wisconsin (nearly lost to UNLV and The Citadel), South Florida (wasn’t even a program 11 years ago), Kentucky (ummmmm…) and Boston College. Not exactly a murderers row. I don’t think any of them get within 3 touchdowns of USC, Cal or LSU.

And just when you think college can’t get any wackier, we find out that Whale’s Vagina sucks (me and my dad’s reactions were both the same: You must really suck as a coach if you lose to Herm Edwards), Baltimore got old over night, and Pittsburgh loses in Arizona. I’m telling you, you cannot skip a week if you think there are no matchups.

I’m one more loss away from jumping on the Jets tanking bandwagon. I want DeSean Jackson (McFadden obviously, but I’m not letting myself go down that path quite yet. I don’t want to be disappointed). Of course, we’d still have Pennington to throw him the ball so his speed would have to be utilized within 15 yards.

A couple more things, then we’re done:
As mentioned in last weeks MMH, my company was holding a happy hour at a bar named McFadden’s. I said how I would get belligerently drunk against the Big Ten. Well, that probably wouldn’t have happened. I read in the paper who was performing at McFadden’s that night…Vanilla Ice. Over/under on ridiculous comments made by me would have been set at around 450. I'm pissed that I missed this.

This is being written on Tuesday because in true Monday Morning Hangover fashion, I was too hungover to write it on Monday. I wasn’t able to hold down food until 7:30 at night. But I still made it through work, no one was the wiser. Anyway, its Irish Day week. Look for my preview of the best day of the year.