Welcome to New York City

Hide the women and children. Strippers, be prepared. I don't know who has to be more excited about this, NYPD, the New York Post or me. I might make a trip up from the Dirty to stand outside of this place and wait for the gun shots. Bonus points for Z-Bo getting a celebrity who's already been on a sex tape to show up. That's planning right there. I'm sure a jury would be more likely to let him walk knowing that the accuser has a history of going for black guys and its on film.

There's a new author on the block

Dickens, Hemmingway, Oakley? My Monday got a lot brighter when I stumbled across this in the Toronto Star:

Above all else, Oakley always has a story on his mind, stories that will eventually come out in a book that's been a work in progress for years. He has a New York co-author. If the comeback works out, he might get around to finishing it in a few years. If the comeback stalls, it could be on the bookshelves next year.
Whenever that book is published, it'll be something else, Oakley says.
"I'm not pulling any punches, true stories. It ain't one of those Charles Barkley fake books, it's a Charles Oakley book," Oakley said. "It's not an O.J. book, it's an Oakley book."

The article goes on to mention the Jeff McInnis incident which will be included in the book. I was going to pre-order this on amazon.com just in case I forget, but its not on there yet. Damn them.

Sorry I haven't been posting episode lately. I'm swamped at work. I hope to have something up soon about The Simpsons Movie as well as a theory as to why I'm such a mess sometime this week.

This Sucks

“I’m back like spine” – Fabolous

Sorry to start this episode off like that, but whatever. That simile was so awful I nearly crashed my car the first time I heard it on Hot 97. It would have been fun to explain to a cop that Fabolous cause this wreck. Then correcting the spelling, “No, no it F-A-B-O-L-O-U-S.” Anyway, I’m back from my ridiculous work schedule and can write some stuff. Not that I’m excited to write about this stuff. Things have been bad lately in Barney land. When I’m not working 12 hour days, I’ve been getting more and more pissed at things.
First, let’s talk about Michael Vick. This thing is getting out of control. In the words of the immortal Clinton Portis (who will be the star of The Barney Show come the fall), “It’s just dogs fighting.” The NFL already has two people involved in the deaths of other people (Ray Lewis and Leonard Little) and have a third that was involved in another person’s paralysis. So everyone needs to get off their high horse and realize that you have no problem celebrating the first two and the third is currently a national punchline (Pacman) while another person is in a wheelchair. I never saw any adverbs used to describe these actions as bad as they’re using with Vick. So apparently, the lives of dogs are more important that those of humans. Must have missed that memo. I’m not saying what he did wasn’t wrong, just that this should not be on the floor of Congress and that we need to get our priorities straight.
When the indictment came down, the first thing I texted Brock was “Vick got indicted, what a dumbass.” I never said, “his actions are disgusting,” or “what horrors.” No, just that he’s a dumbass for getting himself into this situation. Now PETA is making him out to be the worst human in the world. Once again, I’m not condoning what he did, just that way too much has been made out of it.
Because of this, we won’t get to make the hour long special, “The Vick Brothers 10 Stupidest Actions.” I was looking forward to making a guest appearance and just use the line, “That’s not in the playbook, but it should be.” “Weed in a water bottle, that’s not in the playbook, but it should be.” “After reviewing the playbook, giving vodka to underage girls is in the playbook. I’ve used it before.” Now this will never happen.
I’m already at the point where we I just want this trial to be over so we can go back to football. If he’s guilty, fine, give him his jail time and suspend him. If not, let him play. Either way, I’m dreading another 4 months of this being the lead story on Sportscenter.
Also, where was the outrage when Qyntel Woods was arrested for the same thing…Oh that’s right, I’m the only person in America who had an active interest in Qyntel freakin’ Woods.
As for the other disaster this weekend, the NBA ref, I’m legitimately depressed to think about it. I first heard it on the radio coming to work on ESPN radio. They started the sentence with “The FBI is investigating NBA…” at this point, I’m assuming someone’s running a drug ring with their salary or something like that. I’m getting ready to make a Zach Randolph joke or something. When they dropped the hammer, my first reaction was to say, “Wow” like 4 times. Then I turned a corner to go over a bridge, and the Presidents helicopter appeared out of nowhere like 20 feet above my car. I’ll be honest, the ref thing jarred me more.
The biggest issue I’ve had with the NBA recently is the integrity of the refs. There have been too many games where it seems like the refs go with the team that the league has an interest in. I was telling my dad there would be nights in college where I had the choice to either watch a playoff game or head out to the bar. It got to the point where I would want to stay and watch the game, but would decide, “Fuck it, the league’s not letting (Insert Team A here) lose tonight, I’ll just catch the highlights.” I think the one time this didn’t work out was when San Antonio beat LA in 2003 in game 6 at LA (the one where Kobe cried afterwards) and that’s because San Antonio destroyed them enough that the refs didn’t matter. So if I’m basically writing off a game as a waste of time because of the officials, the NBA might have a problem (or maybe I have a drinking problem. A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B.)
Now, I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m currently on the fence if I can watch the league anymore. I’m that distraught over this. Its not what this one ref did, it’s A) how the NBA wasn’t able to figure this out before the feds and B) that the NBA might have known about the investigation and still let him ref. I don’t know which pisses me off more. I also seems that NBA fans are actually happy this occurred, because there can now be drastic changes to the referee system which obviously wasn’t working. I’m glad it took the integrity of the game to make this change. I’m too pissed to talk about this anymore.

I'm not in rehab

“So people ask, where you been?” – Wreckx N Effect, Ready or Not

Yes, that was just an excuse to start an episode with a quote from NBA Superstars 2, which is part of the greatest DVD ever created, the NBA Superstars Collection, which includes all three volumes of the classics. Yet, I digress. The big thing is that you, the avid reader have probably been wondering, “With war in the Middle East, upcoming 2008 elections and a new show about Scott Baio’s love life in the world these days, I keep coming back to wondering if Barney’s ok.” No, I haven’t gone to rehab, but that would be a good guess (in fact, I’m trying to memorize Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” to sing at karaoke bars. It might be my anthem once I have my first intervention). No, I haven’t been trekking to Las Vegas and LA to welcome Lindsay Lohan out of rehab either. I was going to say that I’ve decided life isn’t worth living in a world where Sportscenter debates who’s more “now” whatever that means, but I won’t lie, I’ve been working. 16 hour days kind of take the energy to write out of me. And coming home and immediately drinking all the time doesn’t help either. Basically, I’ve been a one man count down to one of those “exhaustion” trips to the hospital that celebrities make.
And to my credit, I did write something on July 6th, but decided I didn’t like it. If I thought it wasn’t good, I can only imagine what you would have thought. It was pretty much 2000 words about a drinking story that doesn’t go anywhere beyond “I like booze and so do the people I’m drinking with.”
So what have I been doing in the hour a day between working and sleeping besides taking a shower? Well, I’ve gone into a big Three Six Mafia phase. I don’t know why either. When I think overworked white collar workers, I immediately associate the with the Oscar winners. Maybe I’ve just given up any album coming out that’s any good anymore and have gone the other way and decided to embrace the most ignorant stuff ever. If it’s going to be ignorant, at least it should have a good beat. I can’t wait to get in my car and sing “I’m ridin’ spinners, I’m ridin spinners” while driving a Chevy Lumina. And I’m not lying either.
Ron Artest and the possible trade to the Knicks made my head explode. If he did get traded, I might quit my job, move back in with my parents, and sell my kidney to pay for season tickets. I don’t think I could pass up watching Marbury, Crawford, Artest, Randolph and Curry play together. They might have be the first team to have more arrests than assists over the course of a season. Then he decided to go to Africa, which I don’t think I have the writing ability to describe the hilarity, so I just won’t talk about it.
Finally, I was going to include this in the cancelled episode, but I’m not sure if you caught the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Not only was it the greatest hour of television, possibly ever, but I saw a picture of it the next day that gave me hope in the midst of being chewed out by corporate executives (see above). Yes, that’s Drew Gooden’s haircut on the judge in the front row, and God willing, this will become a bigger trend. That just might even things out for the horrors that “Who’s Now” has wrought.

Weekend Musings

Have you ever gotten a call in the middle of the night and assumed that because of the ungodly hour, that someone has to be dead because nothing else would warrant a phone call then? For normal people, this is almost always the case. For me, it’s usually someone who’s drunk. Saturday night I get a call around 2:15. My first impulse is again someone is dead. I see that it’s K-Dog. I’m in no mood/condition (half awake/half drunk) to talk, so I let it go to voicemail. Here’s what I get:
“Yo Barnes, you’re missing it here this weekend in Philly. I just saw Charles Barkley at this spot we were at. He was dancing with all the white girls. I think you would have enjoyed this. Peace.”
Those are the type of voicemails and messages only I get. I also got a text message at 5:15 Friday morning regarding Zach Randolph going to the Knicks. The funnier thing is that this didn’t surprise me. I knew Chuck had a white wife. I remember on a Sportscentury episode, someone accused Chuck of being racist against white people. His response was, “How can I be racist? I married a white woman.” That’s brilliant right there, marrying another race to make jokes with impunity. 18 years until Tiger Woods’ new daughter is legal. Whoever marries her would be able to make any racist joke out there without repercussions.
So where does this rank on my favorite voice message my friends have left for me? I think the top three would look something like this:

3: My roommate calls to leave a message that guess who’s on the cover of the Daily News? That’s right, Lindsay Lohan’s dad. This also coincided with Mean Girls jokes for the next two months. I still regret doing that drunken toast to Lindsay turning 18 back in 2004, but at least its brought a lot of comedy to a few people’s lives (More Lindsay comedy to come. That folks is called a teaser. I know, I know, try and contain yourselves).
2: The above Chuck story.
1: The number one random voicemail I got was when Qyntel Woods got signed by the Orlando Magic. Qyntel had been inactive on the Blazers because of an alleged dog fighting charge. I had Qyntel on my all head case fantasy team and thus being inactive, was giving me very little production. So when he went to Orlando, Brock decided that it was necessary that I know this as soon as he saw it on ESPN. I bet Qyntel’s mom didn’t even know before I did.

On to two instances that might prove I’m quickly going insane. I guess this was Thursday night. I’ve been battling insomnia recently, so I wake up around 2 am. It’s 3 am and I’m still not asleep. I give up sleeping and turn on the tv. Planet Earth is on, which is an entertaining show in my book, plus one of the few non-infomercials on at this hour. This episode is on the temperate forests, whatever that means. They start talking about an animal that eats conifer leaves and squirrels. Now normally the squirrels are faster, so whatever this animal is has to sneak up on the squirrels. And what better time to do so then when a squirrel is trying to get a nut (You like that? That’s witty right there. See the squirrel’s having sex and they also eat nuts. Get it? Haha, I crack myself up sometimes.) So they cut to the guy squirrel giving backshots and what pops into my mind? That’s right, “Doing it, and doing it, and doing it well.” You might be going insane if at 3:15 in the morning you have a voice in your head saying, “I represent Queens, she was raised up in Brooklyn,” and that voice is a chipmunk.
I finally get back to sleep and have a dream where I’m making out with Lindsay Lohan (After she gets out of rehab and she’s looking Mean Girls good). This is one of the few dreams that I remember. So anyway, we’re at this apartment that I have to assume is in Hollywood somewhere, that’s owned by a couple of twentysomething guys. I think they’re trying to get with Lindsay’s friends, but she’s firmly entrenched with me. Then one of the guys says, “Do you know who our roommate is? It’s the guy who played Carl Winslow.” I immediately change focus, and say something like, “The one who was in Die Hard?” They respond yes, and I’m really distracted now. Anyway, Carl comes home and sits down on the couch across from me. I’m sitting there, say hi to Carl, then look down at Lindsay, who’s smiling with that “I’m in love” smile. There’s a coffee table with a few letters on it next to the couch where I’m sitting and she’s laying down on. I’m looking right into her eyes filled with love/lust. Carl Winslow goes, “Hey son, can you pass me my mail?” And what do I do? I stop looking at Ms. Lohan and immediately deliver Carl Winslow his mail. Then I wake up. What does this dream mean? Is meeting Carl Winslow more important to me than hooking up with Lindsay Lohan? Because it seems that way. I’m completely confused and concerned for my mental well being.
(Waking up again at 3 am this morning (I do some of my best thinking right after waking up), I think I have a reason. It’s all about what would be a better story. In my subconscious state I was thinking that I could impress my friends more with the Carl Winslow thing. I imagine this exchange with my brother in Iraq:Brother: So I shot and killed a guy yesterday.
Me: (Brief pause) I handed mail to the guy who played Carl Winslow. He’s one of the three people remaining who still has a subscription to Sport magazine.
Brother: (Longer pause) That’s impressive.

My subconscious was also processing was that no one would believe that I hooked up with Lindsay Lohan or any other actress unless I had physical evidence. What it wasn’t processing that revealing the truth about the real/fake issue would trump the Family Matters reference. Imagine being able to say, Terri Hatcher “They’re real, and they’re spectacular” line. Now that would be a story. (Also, my subconscious could also have been processing the fact that I wasn’t desperate to get Fez’s sloppy seconds. In a prior dream, I also debated if having sex with Lindsay was worth the STD risk. I woke up before settling that one too. And yes, these are the only two dreams I remember over the past three months.)
As Matt Damon said in The Departed, “What Freud said about the Irish is that they’re impossible to psychoanalyze.” If the previous 500 words don’t prove that, I don’t know what does.

Two more things, then we’re done (if you’ve made it this far, I congratulate you). First, I was watching a special on Yo! MTV Raps from back in the day, and in Naughty by Nature’s OPP video, there a video chick wearing a CCCP shirt (think the old Soviet hockey jerseys). I’ll continue to investigate this further. Lou Dobbs can have the immigration issue, but I’m all over the Communist Stripper issue.
Finally, saw Live Free or Die Hard over the weekend. Great action movie, lots of explosions, and its John McClane, you really can’t go wrong with that. Plus there’s always the little voice in the back of your head going, “Wait, how is the dork from Dodgeball doing this? He must have trained a lot more dodging wrenches.”
Alright, that’s this weekend’s musings. Enjoy the 4th, I plan on being hungover the entire day. And to my brother in Iraq, keep doing what you’re doing. In the words of Boobie Miles, “Be perfect, win state, all that shit.” That’s not a reflection of my selfishness, just that I’m too emotional immature and not a good enough writer to put something substantial down on paper.

Z Bo takes New York

“Sorry boys, but all the strippers in the world can’t bring me back. Lay down, lay down. Gonna stretch my legs out at the Garden. Always knew my contract would end up there, but a whole lot earlier than Isiah thought. The last of the real Jailblazers. Well, maybe not the last. Zach Jr’s gonna be a good player. New improved Z-Bo. I quit. I’m traded. Ain’t enough chicks to run a train on in this town. Sorry Damon, I tried. Honest. Can’t go with me on this ride. I’m taking Curry’s shots. Bars closing. Which strippers are we taking home with us…Hoops Family, y’all.”
- Zach Randolph upon hearing that he was traded

So that’s it. No Jail Blazers left to negatively influence Greg Oden. I know it makes the league better, but I’m going to miss those guys. No taking weed through airports in tin foil. No dog fighting before Michael Vick made it newsworthy. No registered sex offenders. JR Rider was on the team for three years and he didn’t even stand out. He just spit on a fan and got three games.

As for the Zach Randolph trade, I couldn’t be more excited to see him in New York. I can’t wait for him appearing in Page Six every other week with more tales of his hijinx at Scores. I fell in love with Z-Bo when he appeared on MTV cribs and his pool table had a Star of David on it for some reason. He also had my favorite sex scandal of the 2006 off season when him and the Hoops Fam ran a train on some chick (allegedly). For all your reading delights, here are the details:
http://www.oregonlive.com/pdfs/blazers/zach_memo092006.pdf
Warning!!! Don’t read this at work or with small children, it’s pretty graphic.
My favorite part is that after all this, they planned on going to the Portland Art Museum the next day. Let me run a train on you, then we’ll catch some classical music. That’s completely normal.

As for the basketball part of this trade, I’m sure playing Eddy Curry, Zach, Marbury and Jamal Crawford at the same time will set team basketball back at least 30 years, possibly more (and that’s before Nate Robinson gets off the bench). It also keeps David Lee more on the bench, who is the only player who seems to get it on that team. We’re not even going to get into how this affects them defensively. I’m really hoping that Curry, Randolph and Jerome James make it onto the floor at the same time. Just seeing those three out there would keep me from eating a cheeseburger for weeks. Just another brilliant trade by Isaiah where he gets the better player with no thought into how to build this into a team.