It’s good to know our 2007 campaign to Free Ookie has finally reached a conclusion. I’m sure the efforts here have had a dramatic impact on this. Thanks to everyone for their hard work. And by hard work I mean, texting me whenever there was anything Ookie related, yelling out, “Free Mike Vick” on Good Morning America, and generally, just putting up with my crap and not reporting me to the authorities. I got the news about his signing with Philly while at a bar and it will probably be one of those “I knew exactly where I was when it happened” moments in my life. Aptly enough, it was a bar called McFadden’s, which was the subject of the next Barney Show ridiculous initiative. I’ve avoided it for 2 years because I think I’m just now over my man crush on Run DMC, Darren McFadden (Hold on? Why did I not use this nickname back in my track days? Run BMC? Honoring the immortal Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullins? Dammit. The lesson here? I was a dumbass in high school). The one downside of being at a bar last night was that I was surrounded by Redskins, Ravens (Including one douchebag in a U of Delaware Joe Flacco jersey. Vegas was giving 4-1 odds of me and him going at it at some point), Steeler, and yes, even one Cardinals fan.
Before we get more into the Ookie situation, let’s go through my night, shall we? Why not? It’s not like you have anything better to do. I promise it’s Ookie related. We were at McFadden’s because a friend of a friend won a happy hour which allowed any of his friends drinks for $2. This sounds like a good deal. I ended up with a $120 tab. Apparently Jaeger and Jack were not on the $2 list. And I ended up by multiple rounds of shots for people. And I decided the $2 drinks were not strong enough to get me drunk. Well fuck me silly. After I was sufficiently sauced, we proceeded to another bar, because hey, it’s on the way home. Why not? As solid reasoning if I’ve ever heard. It was me and this girl, her roommate, and who I was assuming was her roommate’s boyfriend. We were playing darts and drinking beer.
Ok, stage is set. Let’s get to the fun part. Roommate’s boyfriend (we’ll refer to him as Fuckface for the rest of this story) was a Va Tech grad. Being that I have limited social skills to talk to normal people, this provided me a chance to engage in what other people call “casual conversation” being that Vick was in the news that night. (Quick backtrack. The roommate was pretty hot, until I found out she was a lobbyist. Only she wouldn’t say she was a lobbyist, she had some fancy name. I would too if my actual title was the Whoring Myself Out to Cripple Democracy. I’ve tried to avoid these people like the plague. I decided to mix it up a bit with her and asked, “Well how good are you at your job? Could you get me to switch sides on an issue?” She refused to give a straight answer, just kept blurting out something like, “It depends on what my client wanted.” Seriously, go get fucked. Then I found out she was a lobbyist for some bullshit environmental firm. Wow. It took a lot of power not to go find a pool stick and crack it over her head. The point of this is that I had already been provoked. Aren’t you glad I’m back? Where else on the internet can you find someone who so steadfastly refuses to stick to a single plot line? ) We were exchanging some opinions (and you can probably guess how he feels about PETA based on who his girlfriend works for) until I asked, “What do you have against the guy? He was the best football player in your schools history.” This apparently set him off because he got all up in my grill and started telling me that he wasn’t the best because of the horrible things he did. My retort, “What does that have to do with anything he did on the field”, while a clear and logical, did not seem to resonate with Fuckface, who continued to make dumbass comments as you would expect from someone who thinks PETA is awesome about football. While he continued to chase his own tail logically, I had some pretty good lines, if I must say so myself.
“You didn’t go to a real football school. Virginia Tech plays in the fucking ACC.”“Wait, you considered last year a good year? You played Cinci-fucking-natti in a bowl game.”
“In the words of the great Clinton Portis, ‘We’re talking about daws, man. Fightin’ dawgs.’”
“Why are you bringing Marcus into this? What did he ever do to anyone?” (That was my favorite line of the whole thing. Leave it up to me to defend the honor of Marcus Vick)
This went back and forth for about 10 minutes. I was getting closer and closer to just ending it and coming over the top with my beer bottle. I saw where this was going and while shit faced, did realize that spending 2 years in jail was a little too high of a price to pay for my Free Ookie campaign. About this time, I said, “He led your team to the only national championship you’ve ever gone to and almost beat a great Florida State team by himself in the Sugar Bowl. How is that not the most successful player in Va Tech’s history?”
Let’s pause for a second to prepare yourself for the single dumbest comeback I have ever heard. Ready? Ok, here we go. “Well, that’s if you want to measure success by national championships.” Holy. Fucking. Shit. The other defense lawyer from My Cousin Vinny had better arguments than that. Let’s question the measurement of something by asking if the very definition of that measurement is valid. This guy must have been great in physics class. Other lines Fuckface has probably uttered?“Well, that’s if you want to measure distance by feet.”
“Who uses the Dewey Decimal System to classify books?”
“Why would you want to measure my gayness on the Brady Quinn scale?”
Hov wants said, “A wise man once told me, don’t argue with fools. Cause from a distance, people can’t tell who is who.” I followed this philosophy and simply walked out of the bar. Didn’t say anything. Just walked out. Got on my phone and left a voicemail with Brock that started off, “I just passed up pussy in the name of Ookie.” And you wonder why I’m single?
Alright, I promised you some actual thoughts on this, so here we go:
- I just wish I could have seen Desmond McNabb (He’ll always be Desmond McNabb to me. And maybe one person gets that joke. Way to go grab a larger audience you moron) when Andy Reid told him they were signing Vick. I’m starting to think the Eagles exist only as a psychological experiment to see how far they can push McNabb before he just quits.
- I’m glad to see him sign with Philly. It makes my job of making semi-witty comments that much easier. For Monday Morning Hangover’s this year, you’ll see a lot of (insert joke about Philly fans booing here) and then (insert joke about Vick being nothing compared to Andy Reid’s kids here).
- I won’t go into it the sheer volume of hypocrisy too much because it will just get me frustrated, but this morning’s Sunday Conversation featured an NFL player who was actually involved in a person’s death, not dogs. No protests there.
- Any chance he gets worked into a plot of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”? Or is that asking for too much?
- Now that Ookie is signed, who’s the next lost cause to get The Barney Show endorsement? Anyone know when Maurice Clarett gets out?
Since I’ve asked four straight questions, I think it’s time to wrap this up. Just remember kids: Stick to the script. Ookie over bitches.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Texas Toast
“This is the chronicles of Killa, and don’t smoke ‘cause the chronic it’ll kill ya.”
-Cam’ron
Thanks for the intro, Killa Cam (Do you know how hard it is to get a rap quote with the word “chronicles” in it?) We’re back with the chronicles of Mr. Twenty Percent, now providing 27.3% more inspiration: Brock is planning on doing some sort of Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” tribute incorporating this. Because nothing gives Jacko a shout out like talking about 3 year olds. Me, I think it’s just an excuse for him to wear his fedora.
I was planning on doing a special two part Texas Toast, since last weekend my daughter came to NY to see my family, but I just didn’t get around to it. (Man, I could have had a cliff hanger. I’m all about incorporating literary devices into this bullshit blog, aren’t I?). Instead, you get a multi-state Texas Toast. Now take a deep breath to prepare yourself for this incredible event. (Good? Ok, just checking). Editor's Note: The events depicted here occurred July 17-27. I was just lazy.
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” – Animal House
Quick setup: My daughter and baby moms flew up to NY on a Tuesday, spent Wednesday and Thursday with my mom’s side of the family and they Thursday night went to my dad’s family reunion in the Poconos. I met up with them late Friday night.
Saturday morning, I was awakened early to go see a theatrical production of The Jungle Book. We then went to a German festival called “The Wurst Festival.” We’re trying to raise our child to never turn down an ethnic festival that has a bad pun involving sausages, so we were obliged to go. Now you would think that a German festival would have two things in abundance and variety: sausages and beer. They really slipped on the second part. Not that I was drinking since I had to drive home with my daughter (My liver would really, really, really appreciate it if I spent more time with her), but I was interested in seeing the assortment. Instead, they had the fine selection of Budweiser and Bud Light. Yes, they were drinking Bud at a beer garden. That’s sacrilege.
“If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.” – Bronx Tale
Another fun part of having a family reunion is seeing people you haven’t seen in a few years. One thing I didn’t know? Apparently I have Italians in my family. Don’t let the little fact that I think their dad is Jewish and their mom Irish fool you. Those tight shirts, gelled hair and gold chains say otherwise. Hey, if they can bring some better cooking to holidays, I’m all for it (that would also imply that I’m sober enough at these to have taste buds).
The best part for them was that I all prepared to make sarcastic jokes about their education (If Tim Tebow tears an ACL this season, your entire science department would stop whatever they were doing and focus on advanced knee bionics and then when that failed, cloning Tim Tebow. I’m supposed to respect that education?), and instead they show up looking like they’re not from Florida, but Staten Island. That really threw me off my game. I’ll admit, I didn’t bring the funny like I should have. But please believe that I’m watching a Godfather, Goodfellas, Bronx Tale marathon prior to the next time we meet.
“G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G- Unit” – Everyone in New York in 2002
Alright, on to Texas. On Friday night, I took my daughter to see the new movie, G-Force. Yes, that’s the one with guinea pigs who try to save the world, and the premise is as ridiculous as that sounds. But my daughter just got a hamster as a pet (to replace the gold fish that I killed the last time I was down here), so this seemed like a good way to kill 2 hours. I got a text from Chubb Rock saying it was the # 1 movie in America this weekend and it did not surprise me at all. That place was packed. How packed you ask? The line would have been around the block. Except that don’t’ play that whole “sidewalk” shit in Texas. They just kept the line straight, and be damned if it went out into the parking lot. They effectively blocked off the entire first lane of the parking lot. It was highly entertaining to see cars drive up looking for parking only to realize they couldn’t because these morons were just standing in the street, when there was a perfectly good sidewalk right next to it. (I’m thinking this whole multi-state Texas Toast thing is just an excuse to rip the education systems across America). And to answer your question, yes, I did try to get my daughter to say, “G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G-Force.” Didn’t catch on.
“Boom, Boom, Pow” – Black Eyed Peas
If you recall from the last Texas Toast, my daughter has moved from kids songs to listening to the radio full time. Her favorite song right now is that stupid Boom, Boom, Pow one from the Black Eyed Peas (I’m sorry, I should give them the benefit of the doubt, but ESPN played that “Let’s get it started” song one too many times for me during the 2005 playoffs. And yes, I will hold this against them even though it wasn’t their fault. Wait, they agreed to the deal and even changed their lyrics from, “Let’s get retarded”, to “Let’s get it started.” So fuck them.) So now our rides consist of me flipping from radio station to radio station and she yells from the back seat, “Change it”. On the plus side, my daughter was singing the phrase, “Jackin’ my swagger.” Say what you want about Gilbert Arenas, but he popularized the word Swag so much that 3 year olds in Texas are now using it. And even though my following of the rap game has dropped off, no one did more to promote that word than Agent 0 did. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
“She L-L-L-L-L-L-icked me like a lollipop.” – Lil Wayne
Continuing on the radio tip, I’m flipping through and the chorus comes on as soon as I turn to the station. Which prompts the question from the backseat, “Daddy, why is he singing about a lollipop?” “Ummmm…”. I quickly resorted to the old point and yell out, “Look over there” technique while changing to the CD I had in. Luckily, she does like “Love Lockdown” so I was able to avoid disaster. She actually really enjoyed 808s and Heartbreak to the point where she was doing all of these arm movements in the backseat. That’s good because I think that’s the only CD I own that I would approve of her listening to (Check that. We will one day rock out to Johnny Cash.)
“I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, I am for real.” – OutKast
I didn’t go back and check this (detailed oriented fact checker I am not), but I think this is the first time I’ve actually used this song in a quote. Surprising. (I’ll give you the requisite 30 seconds to strap yourself back into your seat from that surprise…Still here…Not going anywhere…You ready?...Ok, we’ll get back to the story.) I had a conversation with my daughter’s grandmother in which she said to me, “I was telling one of my friends that you [Barney] were too good for my daughter.” (I’ll pause again for you to come out of shock…Thinking of the Ron Artest article in Sports Illustrated I read on the way down…he’s looking for takers on his reality show he’s developing…I might quit my job to watch that 24/7 if it comes out…ok, ready to proceed? Let’s go.) Who knew rampant alcoholism and a propensity to work 60-70 hour weeks was so respected. Apparently, it all boils down to the fact that I am quote, “really nice.” So strike one up in the corner for “Repressing emotions and releasing them through alcohol”. It’s only down 3,587 to “Being an emotionally stable person,” but I think it’s poised for a comeback.
“Quit hatin’ the South.” – UGK
I’ll be the first one to give the South some respect when it comes to the rap game, but this weekend might have done more to change that than anything else I can think of. Quick, which artist was a radio DJ in Dallas talking about when she said, “New music for you. Some of you need to expand your horizons and not just listen to The Stanky Leg”? Hint: it was not a newly signed rapper from the underground on an indie label. If you guessed Jay-Z, you would be correct. Not only was it Hov, it was featuring Kanye West and Rihanna. I know I haven’t been up on the rap game as I would like, but I’m fairly certain those are still relevant artists. I’m just going to stop now before my head explodes (Though maybe it’s not just Dallas. Brock let me know that Fabolous’s new album is a big deal in NYC. Who knew? That “Put it in the Bag” song is terrible.)
Finally, after travelling the past two weekends through various cities, I’m issuing a challenge. If anyone can get through the entire radio dial without hearing “Every Girl in the World” or “Best I Ever Had”, you win. I don’t think I went more than 5 minutes without hearing one of those songs.
“That. Was. Awesome. Sorry about your car man.” - Tommy Boy
As we further our explorations into issues with cars in back country and animals, on Saturday night, we took a trip out to somebody’s ranch. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to have a plan Saturday night so they picked up on this and invited me to something I couldn’t really turn down. I spent an hour playing ping pong if you’re interested. No fishing for me. The adventure came on the way home. I was down to less than an eighth of a tank of gas. I asked about taking a way home that included a gas station so I could refill my tank accordingly. This simple request was overturned and the person I was following decided it would be prudent to take only back roads on the way home. And by back roads I mean single lane roads without dividers, that sometimes are only dirt, and which we had to stop twice because there were cattle on the side of the road. I had to drive 25 miles with the engine light on with a 4 year old, and two 13 year olds yammering on about whatever nonsense they talk about. While trying to figure out how I would respond to being at least 15 miles from the nearest form of civilization should this run out, I realized, “You know what? Based on this car ride, I never want to have another kid.”
Alright, before I wrap this up, let’s get to the other cultural milestones of this great land that is Texas that are quick hitters:
- Apparently, it’s ok for a 40 year old man to get on a plane wearing a cut off t-shirt and shorts while being at least 50 pounds overweight.
- The big reason we went out to the ranch on Saturday night was to pick up fish that had been caught that day. I assumed this was for eating purposes. No. They merely wanted to take the fish they had caught in this lake and transport them to another lake. Why? I imagine to stock the lake that they owned, but I’m not sure. So to sum up, they spent an entire day fishing merely to reallocate the catfish population in lakes in East Texas. The whole thing was so retarded, I didn’t even want to ask in case the answer was even stupider.
- People love to mow their lawns. I mean really do. It’s a form of recreation down here. And this is a fact…I have never mowed a lawn in my life. The closest I ever came was standing there and watching French Ben mow his parents lawn, in which he promptly ran over the lawnmower’s electrical cord. Ahh, good times.
-Cam’ron
Thanks for the intro, Killa Cam (Do you know how hard it is to get a rap quote with the word “chronicles” in it?) We’re back with the chronicles of Mr. Twenty Percent, now providing 27.3% more inspiration: Brock is planning on doing some sort of Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” tribute incorporating this. Because nothing gives Jacko a shout out like talking about 3 year olds. Me, I think it’s just an excuse for him to wear his fedora.
I was planning on doing a special two part Texas Toast, since last weekend my daughter came to NY to see my family, but I just didn’t get around to it. (Man, I could have had a cliff hanger. I’m all about incorporating literary devices into this bullshit blog, aren’t I?). Instead, you get a multi-state Texas Toast. Now take a deep breath to prepare yourself for this incredible event. (Good? Ok, just checking). Editor's Note: The events depicted here occurred July 17-27. I was just lazy.
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” – Animal House
Quick setup: My daughter and baby moms flew up to NY on a Tuesday, spent Wednesday and Thursday with my mom’s side of the family and they Thursday night went to my dad’s family reunion in the Poconos. I met up with them late Friday night.
Saturday morning, I was awakened early to go see a theatrical production of The Jungle Book. We then went to a German festival called “The Wurst Festival.” We’re trying to raise our child to never turn down an ethnic festival that has a bad pun involving sausages, so we were obliged to go. Now you would think that a German festival would have two things in abundance and variety: sausages and beer. They really slipped on the second part. Not that I was drinking since I had to drive home with my daughter (My liver would really, really, really appreciate it if I spent more time with her), but I was interested in seeing the assortment. Instead, they had the fine selection of Budweiser and Bud Light. Yes, they were drinking Bud at a beer garden. That’s sacrilege.
“If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.” – Bronx Tale
Another fun part of having a family reunion is seeing people you haven’t seen in a few years. One thing I didn’t know? Apparently I have Italians in my family. Don’t let the little fact that I think their dad is Jewish and their mom Irish fool you. Those tight shirts, gelled hair and gold chains say otherwise. Hey, if they can bring some better cooking to holidays, I’m all for it (that would also imply that I’m sober enough at these to have taste buds).
The best part for them was that I all prepared to make sarcastic jokes about their education (If Tim Tebow tears an ACL this season, your entire science department would stop whatever they were doing and focus on advanced knee bionics and then when that failed, cloning Tim Tebow. I’m supposed to respect that education?), and instead they show up looking like they’re not from Florida, but Staten Island. That really threw me off my game. I’ll admit, I didn’t bring the funny like I should have. But please believe that I’m watching a Godfather, Goodfellas, Bronx Tale marathon prior to the next time we meet.
“G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G- Unit” – Everyone in New York in 2002
Alright, on to Texas. On Friday night, I took my daughter to see the new movie, G-Force. Yes, that’s the one with guinea pigs who try to save the world, and the premise is as ridiculous as that sounds. But my daughter just got a hamster as a pet (to replace the gold fish that I killed the last time I was down here), so this seemed like a good way to kill 2 hours. I got a text from Chubb Rock saying it was the # 1 movie in America this weekend and it did not surprise me at all. That place was packed. How packed you ask? The line would have been around the block. Except that don’t’ play that whole “sidewalk” shit in Texas. They just kept the line straight, and be damned if it went out into the parking lot. They effectively blocked off the entire first lane of the parking lot. It was highly entertaining to see cars drive up looking for parking only to realize they couldn’t because these morons were just standing in the street, when there was a perfectly good sidewalk right next to it. (I’m thinking this whole multi-state Texas Toast thing is just an excuse to rip the education systems across America). And to answer your question, yes, I did try to get my daughter to say, “G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G-Force.” Didn’t catch on.
“Boom, Boom, Pow” – Black Eyed Peas
If you recall from the last Texas Toast, my daughter has moved from kids songs to listening to the radio full time. Her favorite song right now is that stupid Boom, Boom, Pow one from the Black Eyed Peas (I’m sorry, I should give them the benefit of the doubt, but ESPN played that “Let’s get it started” song one too many times for me during the 2005 playoffs. And yes, I will hold this against them even though it wasn’t their fault. Wait, they agreed to the deal and even changed their lyrics from, “Let’s get retarded”, to “Let’s get it started.” So fuck them.) So now our rides consist of me flipping from radio station to radio station and she yells from the back seat, “Change it”. On the plus side, my daughter was singing the phrase, “Jackin’ my swagger.” Say what you want about Gilbert Arenas, but he popularized the word Swag so much that 3 year olds in Texas are now using it. And even though my following of the rap game has dropped off, no one did more to promote that word than Agent 0 did. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
“She L-L-L-L-L-L-icked me like a lollipop.” – Lil Wayne
Continuing on the radio tip, I’m flipping through and the chorus comes on as soon as I turn to the station. Which prompts the question from the backseat, “Daddy, why is he singing about a lollipop?” “Ummmm…”. I quickly resorted to the old point and yell out, “Look over there” technique while changing to the CD I had in. Luckily, she does like “Love Lockdown” so I was able to avoid disaster. She actually really enjoyed 808s and Heartbreak to the point where she was doing all of these arm movements in the backseat. That’s good because I think that’s the only CD I own that I would approve of her listening to (Check that. We will one day rock out to Johnny Cash.)
“I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, I am for real.” – OutKast
I didn’t go back and check this (detailed oriented fact checker I am not), but I think this is the first time I’ve actually used this song in a quote. Surprising. (I’ll give you the requisite 30 seconds to strap yourself back into your seat from that surprise…Still here…Not going anywhere…You ready?...Ok, we’ll get back to the story.) I had a conversation with my daughter’s grandmother in which she said to me, “I was telling one of my friends that you [Barney] were too good for my daughter.” (I’ll pause again for you to come out of shock…Thinking of the Ron Artest article in Sports Illustrated I read on the way down…he’s looking for takers on his reality show he’s developing…I might quit my job to watch that 24/7 if it comes out…ok, ready to proceed? Let’s go.) Who knew rampant alcoholism and a propensity to work 60-70 hour weeks was so respected. Apparently, it all boils down to the fact that I am quote, “really nice.” So strike one up in the corner for “Repressing emotions and releasing them through alcohol”. It’s only down 3,587 to “Being an emotionally stable person,” but I think it’s poised for a comeback.
“Quit hatin’ the South.” – UGK
I’ll be the first one to give the South some respect when it comes to the rap game, but this weekend might have done more to change that than anything else I can think of. Quick, which artist was a radio DJ in Dallas talking about when she said, “New music for you. Some of you need to expand your horizons and not just listen to The Stanky Leg”? Hint: it was not a newly signed rapper from the underground on an indie label. If you guessed Jay-Z, you would be correct. Not only was it Hov, it was featuring Kanye West and Rihanna. I know I haven’t been up on the rap game as I would like, but I’m fairly certain those are still relevant artists. I’m just going to stop now before my head explodes (Though maybe it’s not just Dallas. Brock let me know that Fabolous’s new album is a big deal in NYC. Who knew? That “Put it in the Bag” song is terrible.)
Finally, after travelling the past two weekends through various cities, I’m issuing a challenge. If anyone can get through the entire radio dial without hearing “Every Girl in the World” or “Best I Ever Had”, you win. I don’t think I went more than 5 minutes without hearing one of those songs.
“That. Was. Awesome. Sorry about your car man.” - Tommy Boy
As we further our explorations into issues with cars in back country and animals, on Saturday night, we took a trip out to somebody’s ranch. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to have a plan Saturday night so they picked up on this and invited me to something I couldn’t really turn down. I spent an hour playing ping pong if you’re interested. No fishing for me. The adventure came on the way home. I was down to less than an eighth of a tank of gas. I asked about taking a way home that included a gas station so I could refill my tank accordingly. This simple request was overturned and the person I was following decided it would be prudent to take only back roads on the way home. And by back roads I mean single lane roads without dividers, that sometimes are only dirt, and which we had to stop twice because there were cattle on the side of the road. I had to drive 25 miles with the engine light on with a 4 year old, and two 13 year olds yammering on about whatever nonsense they talk about. While trying to figure out how I would respond to being at least 15 miles from the nearest form of civilization should this run out, I realized, “You know what? Based on this car ride, I never want to have another kid.”
Alright, before I wrap this up, let’s get to the other cultural milestones of this great land that is Texas that are quick hitters:
- Apparently, it’s ok for a 40 year old man to get on a plane wearing a cut off t-shirt and shorts while being at least 50 pounds overweight.
- The big reason we went out to the ranch on Saturday night was to pick up fish that had been caught that day. I assumed this was for eating purposes. No. They merely wanted to take the fish they had caught in this lake and transport them to another lake. Why? I imagine to stock the lake that they owned, but I’m not sure. So to sum up, they spent an entire day fishing merely to reallocate the catfish population in lakes in East Texas. The whole thing was so retarded, I didn’t even want to ask in case the answer was even stupider.
- People love to mow their lawns. I mean really do. It’s a form of recreation down here. And this is a fact…I have never mowed a lawn in my life. The closest I ever came was standing there and watching French Ben mow his parents lawn, in which he promptly ran over the lawnmower’s electrical cord. Ahh, good times.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I go on vacation and Ron Ron decides to go and sign with LA
I promised myself I wasn’t going to log on this weekend, but I’m sorry, anytime Ron Ron signs in the entertainment capital of the world, I need to say something. Obviously, I’m thrilled. Don’t believe me? He’s already been at Diddy’s white party this weekend. And since the 1 AM Sportscenter is across the street from the Staples Center, he’ll be on that more. He was on Thursday night in a hat that said, “So Gutta” and said he was going to “hoodalize” the show. I see no way in this will end badly. Oh, and he’s reuniting with his former AAU teammate, L Odom, assuming he resigns. Yes, the one he rapped about smoking weed at halftime with.
From a basketball perspective, I really like it because if there’s any coach who can control crazy Ron, it’s Jackson. I see Phil going to Ron, “I coached Rodman to 3 titles. You have nothing on him.” And it frees Kobe up from having to guard the opponents best perimeter player.
And I’m pretty much demanding a Ron Artest reality show in LA. Since Triple 6 took the “Hollyhood” title, we’ll need to work on an alternative name. “From QB to Rodeo Drive”? If we can’t get a reality show, I’ll settle for him remaking the “To Live and Die in LA” video going around LA.
Obviously, I’ll have more over the course of the summer on this, but for now, here’s something entertaining. Ron’s actual twitter feed and one done as a joke. You know the Real Ron Artest isn’t real because you knew his twitter would involve QB and Tru Warier is some way. And of course it does. I’m not sure which one I find funnier. The fake one had some quotes that had me laughing my ass off, but the real one is equally as ridiculous. Just look at that bio. Alright, I’ll stop talking and just let you enjoy them.
http://twitter.com/96TruwarierQB
http://twitter.com/Real_Ron_Artest
And to answer your question, yes, one of them does get in a twitter fight with Chad OchoCinco (Have I stopped smiling every time I type name? No. And I don’t think I ever will.)
RIP Steve McNair. As someone who knows a little bit about playing through pain, I can say you amazed me. I think a hail of bullets was the only thing that could have taken you down.
From a basketball perspective, I really like it because if there’s any coach who can control crazy Ron, it’s Jackson. I see Phil going to Ron, “I coached Rodman to 3 titles. You have nothing on him.” And it frees Kobe up from having to guard the opponents best perimeter player.
And I’m pretty much demanding a Ron Artest reality show in LA. Since Triple 6 took the “Hollyhood” title, we’ll need to work on an alternative name. “From QB to Rodeo Drive”? If we can’t get a reality show, I’ll settle for him remaking the “To Live and Die in LA” video going around LA.
Obviously, I’ll have more over the course of the summer on this, but for now, here’s something entertaining. Ron’s actual twitter feed and one done as a joke. You know the Real Ron Artest isn’t real because you knew his twitter would involve QB and Tru Warier is some way. And of course it does. I’m not sure which one I find funnier. The fake one had some quotes that had me laughing my ass off, but the real one is equally as ridiculous. Just look at that bio. Alright, I’ll stop talking and just let you enjoy them.
http://twitter.com/96TruwarierQB
http://twitter.com/Real_Ron_Artest
And to answer your question, yes, one of them does get in a twitter fight with Chad OchoCinco (Have I stopped smiling every time I type name? No. And I don’t think I ever will.)
RIP Steve McNair. As someone who knows a little bit about playing through pain, I can say you amazed me. I think a hail of bullets was the only thing that could have taken you down.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Saga Continues...Barney, Barney
Olympic torch flaming, it burns so sweet, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. Wait, where was I? Oh right, writing a blog.
Whew, finally done with that proposal. Nothing like working 90 hour weeks. So what else has been going on? Let’s first get to an example of shit that only happens to me. So Monday afternoon, I’m working on a semi-serious presentation. Basically, they just want us to present something to get experience presenting. Anyway, I do mine and part of it went into some disaster recovery we’ve had to do. To illustrate this point and to add a bit of humor, I put a picture in of a train crashing.
I send it off to the appropriate person and don’t think anything of it. Monday night rolls around, and there’s a train accident that kills like 7 people. I completely forget about that picture until an hour before I have to present and it gets sent out and I realize I have to speak to this less than 24 hours after the deadliest train crash in Metro’s history. So yeah, that was fun. I even titled the slide “Murphy’s Law”. So who now I’m the insensitive guy. I was quick on my feet and spent most of the slide talking about our response to Hurricane Katrina. That really lightened the mood.
Keeping with the theme, I went out to happy hour on Friday. More like I got dragged by my coworkers who were beginning to question my sanity. I’m thinking I’ll have a few and be ready to pass out because I’m so tired, but being the degenerate alky that I am, I start feeling tired after my second double jack, so I switch over to red bull and vodka. A fine a decision as you’ll ever see. So now, I’m committed to the night. A few more drinks in and I’m talking to this girl. She’s pretty hot and things are going well. We keep talking going on like an hour. Just when I start to think there are possibilities, she drops this nugget to her friend that was there: “Don’t you just love him? He’s just like my brother. I mean exactly.” Yup, that about killed it. Nothing like a little incestuous overtone to kill the mood.
Another highlight of the happy hour was someone casually mentioning that they were going to Sea Isle City, NJ that weekend. Yeah, they did not know what they were getting into. I told them to not even think about going as that city was pure evil. They looked at me like I had 6 heads (Ok, you know where we’re going with this one. It’s time for the Sea Isle City story. It was the summer before my senior year of college. Friday night we had a bit of a night, and I ended up passed out on my bathroom floor. Brock tried to help me but me being the gentleman that I am said something along the lines of, “I know what the fuck I’m doing. Do you not think I know how to handle myself when I’m puking? The fuck do you think I am?” The next morning I pried myself off of that floor to join K Dog, Blaze and Marky Mark on a road trip. K Dog was dating some chick who lived way down on the Jersey shore. Her parents were out of town so she invited him and some of his friends down to visit. That was her first mistake right there. We finally get down there after brutal traffic on the NJ Parkway, and before we even find her house, we stop and get a 30 of beer and 2 bottles. We get to her place and within an hour she’s asking K Dog if I’m out on the porch doing cocaine. For the record, I was not. I was writing an episode of The Barney Show. After performing the Barney Show, we notice the house across the street has no lights on, with the exception of one candle in every single window. That’s pretty creepy. Ok, we note it and move on. Around this time, some of K-Dog’s girl’s friends start showing up. One of which was named Joanne which caught Marky Mark’s eye. Unfortunately, he did not know she had a boyfriend, who was also there. Before he found out about this, he made a bet with me for $20 that he could hook up with her before the end of the night. Knowing she had a boyfriend, I took this bet and laughed.
The night went on, and we were told that there was another party a few blocks over. We decided to check it out. While walking over there, we noticed there were several houses with the candles in each window. Being of a sound mind at that point, I can’t see how we became so paranoid. But we because convinced that every house was haunted and that we were somewhere near the nexus of hell. We decided to skip the party and go back to the house.
Now, we’re at the end of the line for the night. I crash on the couch…with a steak knife next to me because I’m convinced a demon is going to get me. Marky Mark, realizing he might be down $20 if he doesn’t do something soon decides to get a move on it. Joanne and her boyfriend were in one of the bedrooms downstairs. This didn’t deter Marky Mark at all. He starts banging on the door and yelling, “JOANNE! JOANNE! Ditch the zero and get with the hero.” In the history of western civilization, there has not been a better pick up line. He continues his harassment for about 30 minutes before finally realizing she’s not unlocking that door.
We wake up the next morning and are basically told don’t ever come back here again to which I said, “That’s fine, it’s not like I’m ever coming back to this possessed town again. I’m lucky I survived.”)
Me being the gentleman that I am (notice a theme), I felt it was my civic duty to warn this person of the impending doom they were getting themselves into by visiting Sea Isle City. When they didn’t heed my warnings, I got K Dog on the phone to validate them. After that, this person really didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. I can’t see why not. I must say, out of all my irrational hatreds, this might be the most irrational. Sea Isle City, that’s quite a distinction.
You have to love the reaction I got when people called to make sure I was ok after the train accident. It basically was, “Yeah, I assumed you were at work when it happened so I didn’t think you were involved.” I may need to find a new job.
I finally got around to seeing The Hangover, and it was hilarious. Go see it if you haven’t. I’m looking forward to me not being allowed by someone’s finance to go to a bachelor party because of that movie.
I’ll be in NY for the 4th if anyone’s interested. Hopefully, it will be a low key week.
NBA Draft Thoughts
NBA draft thoughts? Besides that I’ve seen meth addicts with more cohesive long term plans than the T Wolves? Sure, I’ll run with it.
Jeff Van Gundy summed it up best at the start of the show when he said that the league has basically turned into about 10 teams or so who are trying to win a championship, 19 who are just trying to cut costs and whatever the hell it is Minnesota is trying to do. Hence, you get Shaq, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson basically being given away to contenders who were willing to just pay their salary. So the trades had more of an impact on the league more than the draft. For the record, I feel that any team activity for the Cavs should be filmed if only so that they do not miss any of the interactions between Shaq and Lebron. I’m also looking forward to Vince Carter going back home to Orlando. That way, he can participate in family events, specifically the one they have annually where they debate who in their family quit on their team more, Carter or McGrady. After Tracy’s performance this year, Vince might have to do something even more spectacular to get out of playing. I say he spends six months on injured reserve after he gets injured by his new assistant coach, Patrick Chewing when opening a Snickers bar.
The second thing is that a lot of the success of a young player is the situation they get drafted into. If I were part of Tyreke Evans’s family I would stay in school and not just because I might need to work on my legal skills after his cousin was in a drive by shooting recently. Don’t hitch your wagon to him paying your bills for years to come. Do you think that situation is turning around anytime soon? Same thing with Thabeet, though I think he’ll be a bust regardless of where he went. Now you have James Harden picked in between them going to OKC where he can get open shots from Durant for the foreseeable future (I’m still disappointed they didn’t take Rubio though. freedarko would have just covered OKC next year if that happened ), so it wouldn’t surprise me if he comes out of this as the best after Griffin (which isn’t ideal either. Would you like to be mentored by Zach Randolph?).
Yes, I’m part of the entire world who is disappointed Curry isn’t going to the Knicks. I saw him play against West Virginia in the Garden and he owned the place. Not many college kids can do that.
Wait, you’re telling me a guy who has “Young Money” tatted across his entire back might have some maturity issues? You’re kidding me. Well, let’s just draft him and send him to Milwaukee. I’m sure he’ll spend his free time playing Scrabble with Andrew Bogut.
Speaking of good situations, I love Eric Maynor’s in Utah. Back up D Williams for a few years, get paid in 2013. Just remember where you heard it first:
So Daniel Tosh just got his own show on Comedy Central and Maynor goes in the first round. It’s not often that I’m right, so when I am, I need to let you know.
I want to be there when Terrance Williams meets Hov. That will be interesting. I’m hoping Jay was in the draft war room and said, “He reminds me of Kanye back in 2003. Pick him.” I’m sure the Nets are run a lot differently than I imagine them being run.
Finally, it’s either I write 2000 words about Minnesota or 20. For your sake, I won’t even get into it.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What's Hot in the Streets?
80 hour weeks, that’s what’s hot in the streets. Working weekends? That’s hotter than Slim Thug. (Ok, getting out of my 2005 mode). I’m regretting making that decision to major in a half business/half engineering education because having technical skills while still being able to half manage something is a very marketable skill. And by marketable, I mean that people will put more and more work onto you because you’re the only capable person to do it.
I’m coming around to the fact that it’s not a bad thing that we missed a Kobe-Lebron finals because it’s not like I would have been able to see it anyway. Correction. I could see the last 6 minutes of each game because that’s what time I got home. Anyway, in lieu of me writing something, I’m going to leverage (do you see that, I’m still in proposal writing mode) my brothers. Here’s an e-mail I got from J-Man:
“I couldn't really think of anyone else who would really appreciate this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQbB2VTLshYIt's the girl Kobe raped raping about being raped. There's got to be some lines in there that deserve to be on your blog.”
The Barney Show, the go to place on the internet for Kobe rape jokes. That’s copied and pasted, and I really enjoyed the grammatical incorrectness by J-Man, using the verb raping as opposed to rapping. Well done. For the record, I’ve done research on that youtube video and it’s not really Kobe’s conquest. (Speaking of Kobe, everyone’s talking about his legacy. I’m really stuck on if the Lakers win, does Kobe become the greatest athlete ever who’s been arrested for sexual assault? Does he take the title from Iron Mike? I’ve been stuck on this for about 24 hours now. What about Jack Johnson? Does violating the Mann Act for bringing a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes count in this? And if you’re asking why J-Man immediately sent that to me, it’s because I was able to recount a Congressional Act from 1913 that impacted a boxer that same year off the top of my head.)
Chubb Rock stepped his game up by leaving me a text last night: “Shines has a Help Wanted: Irish Need not Apply sign.” You know, I do miss the West End sometimes. Not that lack of parking, or having douchebags at your bars, but for things like that.
Alright, that’s all I got for now.
I’m coming around to the fact that it’s not a bad thing that we missed a Kobe-Lebron finals because it’s not like I would have been able to see it anyway. Correction. I could see the last 6 minutes of each game because that’s what time I got home. Anyway, in lieu of me writing something, I’m going to leverage (do you see that, I’m still in proposal writing mode) my brothers. Here’s an e-mail I got from J-Man:
“I couldn't really think of anyone else who would really appreciate this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQbB2VTLshYIt's the girl Kobe raped raping about being raped. There's got to be some lines in there that deserve to be on your blog.”
The Barney Show, the go to place on the internet for Kobe rape jokes. That’s copied and pasted, and I really enjoyed the grammatical incorrectness by J-Man, using the verb raping as opposed to rapping. Well done. For the record, I’ve done research on that youtube video and it’s not really Kobe’s conquest. (Speaking of Kobe, everyone’s talking about his legacy. I’m really stuck on if the Lakers win, does Kobe become the greatest athlete ever who’s been arrested for sexual assault? Does he take the title from Iron Mike? I’ve been stuck on this for about 24 hours now. What about Jack Johnson? Does violating the Mann Act for bringing a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes count in this? And if you’re asking why J-Man immediately sent that to me, it’s because I was able to recount a Congressional Act from 1913 that impacted a boxer that same year off the top of my head.)
Chubb Rock stepped his game up by leaving me a text last night: “Shines has a Help Wanted: Irish Need not Apply sign.” You know, I do miss the West End sometimes. Not that lack of parking, or having douchebags at your bars, but for things like that.
Alright, that’s all I got for now.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Texas Toast
In this month’s episode of Texas Toast, we have two special guests joining me…(allowing time for a huge build up)…my parents (cue the lone trumpet playing the woh-woh sound). Unfortunately, Houston’s game 6 win prevented me from meeting up with Ron Artest down in Houston. I’m sure that would be fun trying to explain to a judge one day. “Mr Barney, you once drove your daughter four hours to meet a man who incited a brawl in a major arena. Why should I allow you any visitation rights?” I think my response would be something like, “In his defense your honor, it was a riot in Detroit. That’s like an everyday occurrence there.” Though with my parents, there is the potential for more awkwardness that comes from them being down here. The biggest question I have coming in is how my dad sneaks away to watch the Preakness. Alright, let’s get to the quotes.
“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.
“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…
“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!
We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.
“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.
“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.
“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.
“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.
For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.
“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.
“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…
“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!
We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.
“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.
“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.
“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.
“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.
For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)