I promised myself I wasn’t going to log on this weekend, but I’m sorry, anytime Ron Ron signs in the entertainment capital of the world, I need to say something. Obviously, I’m thrilled. Don’t believe me? He’s already been at Diddy’s white party this weekend. And since the 1 AM Sportscenter is across the street from the Staples Center, he’ll be on that more. He was on Thursday night in a hat that said, “So Gutta” and said he was going to “hoodalize” the show. I see no way in this will end badly. Oh, and he’s reuniting with his former AAU teammate, L Odom, assuming he resigns. Yes, the one he rapped about smoking weed at halftime with.
From a basketball perspective, I really like it because if there’s any coach who can control crazy Ron, it’s Jackson. I see Phil going to Ron, “I coached Rodman to 3 titles. You have nothing on him.” And it frees Kobe up from having to guard the opponents best perimeter player.
And I’m pretty much demanding a Ron Artest reality show in LA. Since Triple 6 took the “Hollyhood” title, we’ll need to work on an alternative name. “From QB to Rodeo Drive”? If we can’t get a reality show, I’ll settle for him remaking the “To Live and Die in LA” video going around LA.
Obviously, I’ll have more over the course of the summer on this, but for now, here’s something entertaining. Ron’s actual twitter feed and one done as a joke. You know the Real Ron Artest isn’t real because you knew his twitter would involve QB and Tru Warier is some way. And of course it does. I’m not sure which one I find funnier. The fake one had some quotes that had me laughing my ass off, but the real one is equally as ridiculous. Just look at that bio. Alright, I’ll stop talking and just let you enjoy them.
http://twitter.com/96TruwarierQB
http://twitter.com/Real_Ron_Artest
And to answer your question, yes, one of them does get in a twitter fight with Chad OchoCinco (Have I stopped smiling every time I type name? No. And I don’t think I ever will.)
RIP Steve McNair. As someone who knows a little bit about playing through pain, I can say you amazed me. I think a hail of bullets was the only thing that could have taken you down.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Saga Continues...Barney, Barney
Olympic torch flaming, it burns so sweet, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. Wait, where was I? Oh right, writing a blog.
Whew, finally done with that proposal. Nothing like working 90 hour weeks. So what else has been going on? Let’s first get to an example of shit that only happens to me. So Monday afternoon, I’m working on a semi-serious presentation. Basically, they just want us to present something to get experience presenting. Anyway, I do mine and part of it went into some disaster recovery we’ve had to do. To illustrate this point and to add a bit of humor, I put a picture in of a train crashing.
I send it off to the appropriate person and don’t think anything of it. Monday night rolls around, and there’s a train accident that kills like 7 people. I completely forget about that picture until an hour before I have to present and it gets sent out and I realize I have to speak to this less than 24 hours after the deadliest train crash in Metro’s history. So yeah, that was fun. I even titled the slide “Murphy’s Law”. So who now I’m the insensitive guy. I was quick on my feet and spent most of the slide talking about our response to Hurricane Katrina. That really lightened the mood.
Keeping with the theme, I went out to happy hour on Friday. More like I got dragged by my coworkers who were beginning to question my sanity. I’m thinking I’ll have a few and be ready to pass out because I’m so tired, but being the degenerate alky that I am, I start feeling tired after my second double jack, so I switch over to red bull and vodka. A fine a decision as you’ll ever see. So now, I’m committed to the night. A few more drinks in and I’m talking to this girl. She’s pretty hot and things are going well. We keep talking going on like an hour. Just when I start to think there are possibilities, she drops this nugget to her friend that was there: “Don’t you just love him? He’s just like my brother. I mean exactly.” Yup, that about killed it. Nothing like a little incestuous overtone to kill the mood.
Another highlight of the happy hour was someone casually mentioning that they were going to Sea Isle City, NJ that weekend. Yeah, they did not know what they were getting into. I told them to not even think about going as that city was pure evil. They looked at me like I had 6 heads (Ok, you know where we’re going with this one. It’s time for the Sea Isle City story. It was the summer before my senior year of college. Friday night we had a bit of a night, and I ended up passed out on my bathroom floor. Brock tried to help me but me being the gentleman that I am said something along the lines of, “I know what the fuck I’m doing. Do you not think I know how to handle myself when I’m puking? The fuck do you think I am?” The next morning I pried myself off of that floor to join K Dog, Blaze and Marky Mark on a road trip. K Dog was dating some chick who lived way down on the Jersey shore. Her parents were out of town so she invited him and some of his friends down to visit. That was her first mistake right there. We finally get down there after brutal traffic on the NJ Parkway, and before we even find her house, we stop and get a 30 of beer and 2 bottles. We get to her place and within an hour she’s asking K Dog if I’m out on the porch doing cocaine. For the record, I was not. I was writing an episode of The Barney Show. After performing the Barney Show, we notice the house across the street has no lights on, with the exception of one candle in every single window. That’s pretty creepy. Ok, we note it and move on. Around this time, some of K-Dog’s girl’s friends start showing up. One of which was named Joanne which caught Marky Mark’s eye. Unfortunately, he did not know she had a boyfriend, who was also there. Before he found out about this, he made a bet with me for $20 that he could hook up with her before the end of the night. Knowing she had a boyfriend, I took this bet and laughed.
The night went on, and we were told that there was another party a few blocks over. We decided to check it out. While walking over there, we noticed there were several houses with the candles in each window. Being of a sound mind at that point, I can’t see how we became so paranoid. But we because convinced that every house was haunted and that we were somewhere near the nexus of hell. We decided to skip the party and go back to the house.
Now, we’re at the end of the line for the night. I crash on the couch…with a steak knife next to me because I’m convinced a demon is going to get me. Marky Mark, realizing he might be down $20 if he doesn’t do something soon decides to get a move on it. Joanne and her boyfriend were in one of the bedrooms downstairs. This didn’t deter Marky Mark at all. He starts banging on the door and yelling, “JOANNE! JOANNE! Ditch the zero and get with the hero.” In the history of western civilization, there has not been a better pick up line. He continues his harassment for about 30 minutes before finally realizing she’s not unlocking that door.
We wake up the next morning and are basically told don’t ever come back here again to which I said, “That’s fine, it’s not like I’m ever coming back to this possessed town again. I’m lucky I survived.”)
Me being the gentleman that I am (notice a theme), I felt it was my civic duty to warn this person of the impending doom they were getting themselves into by visiting Sea Isle City. When they didn’t heed my warnings, I got K Dog on the phone to validate them. After that, this person really didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. I can’t see why not. I must say, out of all my irrational hatreds, this might be the most irrational. Sea Isle City, that’s quite a distinction.
You have to love the reaction I got when people called to make sure I was ok after the train accident. It basically was, “Yeah, I assumed you were at work when it happened so I didn’t think you were involved.” I may need to find a new job.
I finally got around to seeing The Hangover, and it was hilarious. Go see it if you haven’t. I’m looking forward to me not being allowed by someone’s finance to go to a bachelor party because of that movie.
I’ll be in NY for the 4th if anyone’s interested. Hopefully, it will be a low key week.
NBA Draft Thoughts
NBA draft thoughts? Besides that I’ve seen meth addicts with more cohesive long term plans than the T Wolves? Sure, I’ll run with it.
Jeff Van Gundy summed it up best at the start of the show when he said that the league has basically turned into about 10 teams or so who are trying to win a championship, 19 who are just trying to cut costs and whatever the hell it is Minnesota is trying to do. Hence, you get Shaq, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson basically being given away to contenders who were willing to just pay their salary. So the trades had more of an impact on the league more than the draft. For the record, I feel that any team activity for the Cavs should be filmed if only so that they do not miss any of the interactions between Shaq and Lebron. I’m also looking forward to Vince Carter going back home to Orlando. That way, he can participate in family events, specifically the one they have annually where they debate who in their family quit on their team more, Carter or McGrady. After Tracy’s performance this year, Vince might have to do something even more spectacular to get out of playing. I say he spends six months on injured reserve after he gets injured by his new assistant coach, Patrick Chewing when opening a Snickers bar.
The second thing is that a lot of the success of a young player is the situation they get drafted into. If I were part of Tyreke Evans’s family I would stay in school and not just because I might need to work on my legal skills after his cousin was in a drive by shooting recently. Don’t hitch your wagon to him paying your bills for years to come. Do you think that situation is turning around anytime soon? Same thing with Thabeet, though I think he’ll be a bust regardless of where he went. Now you have James Harden picked in between them going to OKC where he can get open shots from Durant for the foreseeable future (I’m still disappointed they didn’t take Rubio though. freedarko would have just covered OKC next year if that happened ), so it wouldn’t surprise me if he comes out of this as the best after Griffin (which isn’t ideal either. Would you like to be mentored by Zach Randolph?).
Yes, I’m part of the entire world who is disappointed Curry isn’t going to the Knicks. I saw him play against West Virginia in the Garden and he owned the place. Not many college kids can do that.
Wait, you’re telling me a guy who has “Young Money” tatted across his entire back might have some maturity issues? You’re kidding me. Well, let’s just draft him and send him to Milwaukee. I’m sure he’ll spend his free time playing Scrabble with Andrew Bogut.
Speaking of good situations, I love Eric Maynor’s in Utah. Back up D Williams for a few years, get paid in 2013. Just remember where you heard it first:
So Daniel Tosh just got his own show on Comedy Central and Maynor goes in the first round. It’s not often that I’m right, so when I am, I need to let you know.
I want to be there when Terrance Williams meets Hov. That will be interesting. I’m hoping Jay was in the draft war room and said, “He reminds me of Kanye back in 2003. Pick him.” I’m sure the Nets are run a lot differently than I imagine them being run.
Finally, it’s either I write 2000 words about Minnesota or 20. For your sake, I won’t even get into it.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What's Hot in the Streets?
80 hour weeks, that’s what’s hot in the streets. Working weekends? That’s hotter than Slim Thug. (Ok, getting out of my 2005 mode). I’m regretting making that decision to major in a half business/half engineering education because having technical skills while still being able to half manage something is a very marketable skill. And by marketable, I mean that people will put more and more work onto you because you’re the only capable person to do it.
I’m coming around to the fact that it’s not a bad thing that we missed a Kobe-Lebron finals because it’s not like I would have been able to see it anyway. Correction. I could see the last 6 minutes of each game because that’s what time I got home. Anyway, in lieu of me writing something, I’m going to leverage (do you see that, I’m still in proposal writing mode) my brothers. Here’s an e-mail I got from J-Man:
“I couldn't really think of anyone else who would really appreciate this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQbB2VTLshYIt's the girl Kobe raped raping about being raped. There's got to be some lines in there that deserve to be on your blog.”
The Barney Show, the go to place on the internet for Kobe rape jokes. That’s copied and pasted, and I really enjoyed the grammatical incorrectness by J-Man, using the verb raping as opposed to rapping. Well done. For the record, I’ve done research on that youtube video and it’s not really Kobe’s conquest. (Speaking of Kobe, everyone’s talking about his legacy. I’m really stuck on if the Lakers win, does Kobe become the greatest athlete ever who’s been arrested for sexual assault? Does he take the title from Iron Mike? I’ve been stuck on this for about 24 hours now. What about Jack Johnson? Does violating the Mann Act for bringing a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes count in this? And if you’re asking why J-Man immediately sent that to me, it’s because I was able to recount a Congressional Act from 1913 that impacted a boxer that same year off the top of my head.)
Chubb Rock stepped his game up by leaving me a text last night: “Shines has a Help Wanted: Irish Need not Apply sign.” You know, I do miss the West End sometimes. Not that lack of parking, or having douchebags at your bars, but for things like that.
Alright, that’s all I got for now.
I’m coming around to the fact that it’s not a bad thing that we missed a Kobe-Lebron finals because it’s not like I would have been able to see it anyway. Correction. I could see the last 6 minutes of each game because that’s what time I got home. Anyway, in lieu of me writing something, I’m going to leverage (do you see that, I’m still in proposal writing mode) my brothers. Here’s an e-mail I got from J-Man:
“I couldn't really think of anyone else who would really appreciate this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQbB2VTLshYIt's the girl Kobe raped raping about being raped. There's got to be some lines in there that deserve to be on your blog.”
The Barney Show, the go to place on the internet for Kobe rape jokes. That’s copied and pasted, and I really enjoyed the grammatical incorrectness by J-Man, using the verb raping as opposed to rapping. Well done. For the record, I’ve done research on that youtube video and it’s not really Kobe’s conquest. (Speaking of Kobe, everyone’s talking about his legacy. I’m really stuck on if the Lakers win, does Kobe become the greatest athlete ever who’s been arrested for sexual assault? Does he take the title from Iron Mike? I’ve been stuck on this for about 24 hours now. What about Jack Johnson? Does violating the Mann Act for bringing a white woman across state lines for immoral purposes count in this? And if you’re asking why J-Man immediately sent that to me, it’s because I was able to recount a Congressional Act from 1913 that impacted a boxer that same year off the top of my head.)
Chubb Rock stepped his game up by leaving me a text last night: “Shines has a Help Wanted: Irish Need not Apply sign.” You know, I do miss the West End sometimes. Not that lack of parking, or having douchebags at your bars, but for things like that.
Alright, that’s all I got for now.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Texas Toast
In this month’s episode of Texas Toast, we have two special guests joining me…(allowing time for a huge build up)…my parents (cue the lone trumpet playing the woh-woh sound). Unfortunately, Houston’s game 6 win prevented me from meeting up with Ron Artest down in Houston. I’m sure that would be fun trying to explain to a judge one day. “Mr Barney, you once drove your daughter four hours to meet a man who incited a brawl in a major arena. Why should I allow you any visitation rights?” I think my response would be something like, “In his defense your honor, it was a riot in Detroit. That’s like an everyday occurrence there.” Though with my parents, there is the potential for more awkwardness that comes from them being down here. The biggest question I have coming in is how my dad sneaks away to watch the Preakness. Alright, let’s get to the quotes.
“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.
“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…
“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!
We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.
“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.
“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.
“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.
“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.
For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.
“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.
“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…
“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!
We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.
“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.
“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.
“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.
“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.
For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Breaking News: Ron Artest is a National Treasure
Ron Ron's quote from the postgame after last night's victory:
"Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."
God bless that man. Going to Texas, so you know what that means...the return of Texas Toast. Plan you schedule accordingly.
"Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."
God bless that man. Going to Texas, so you know what that means...the return of Texas Toast. Plan you schedule accordingly.
Tyson Review
A few weeks ago I got some text messages from an upset Chubb Rock, letting me know how pissed he was that I didn’t tell him there was Mike Tyson documentary coming out. I was apparently his go to person for information of this type. As penance for that, I went to see it the first weekend it was here in the District and wrote a review. Good enough for you?
For those of you who haven’t seen the preview, it’s a very simple premise. Over the course of a few days, the director just put Mike Tyson in front of a camera and asked him to talk about his life. Interspersed in there are clips of Mike and him talking over it. Why no one thought of this before, I have no idea, but the result is exactly what you would imagine if Mike Tyson talked for an hour and a half straight.
After the Boys Will Be Boys book came out in the fall, the definitive account of the 1990s Cowboys, I put together a Top 7 list of sports books I wanted to see come out. After putting it together, I decided I didn’t like it enough to actually post. But the number one selection was a definitive Mike Tyson biography. I’m not sure how it is for other people, but growing up, Mike Tyson was that dude. For a few years, he was unquestionably the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Even better, he knew he was the baddest mother. And then, it all fell apart.
One of the reasons I wasn’t as excited about this movie as you would have thought is that in the end, it’s kind of depressing. You know how it’s going to end, and yet you still watch to see the details of the train wreck that you came to see. And part of you feels guilty for paying money to see the train wreck. The lesson learned from this is that you have a person with unbelievable physical gifts, but in the end, he doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to deal with it. And to be honest, I’m not sure how many of us would. Mike won the heavyweight title at 20 years old, back when the heavyweight title meant something. If I was a multimillionaire who came from nothing at age 20, who’s to say I wouldn’t have done the same stupid things. We see it all the time in Hollywood. Tyson’s story was the same, just on a much grander scale. The most poignant moment of the movie is when Mike talks about the leaches that sucked him dry. And then in a moment of reflection, he notes that at the same time, he let them suck him dry. (In a related note, in my mind, the most impressive thing about Lebron is how he hasn’t let this happen to him yet. Here you have a guy who’s been told he would be the best player since Jordan since he was 15-16 years old. And somehow, he’s not only lived up to it, but hasn’t had any incident outside of getting the Hummer his senior year of high school. And he’s done this in his de facto hometown with all his friends around. You can talk about Lebron’s physical skills all you want, but his emotional and mental maturity is the exact opposite of Tyson’s).
Ok, enough with the seriousness. You don’t tune in to the Barney Show for its sentimentality. Before we go, let’s get to some of the fun parts of Tyson:
Fun fact: Did you know that when Iron Mike became the youngest heavyweight champion of all time, he did so with a raging case of gonorrhea? He was too embarrassed to go to a doctor, so he fought through it.
Mike uses the term “skullduggery” multiple times. Yes, it’s as awesome as it sounds.
There’s also the several times where Mike talks about his sexuality. Fun times. Let’s just say anytime I see a female CEO in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about how Mike would like to meet her.
Probably the most hyped part of the movie is how he calls his rape accuser, “a vile swine of a woman.” He then goes on to say he didn’t rape her, but has taken advantage of women in the past. Way to contradict yourself out of my empathy.
Mike doesn’t really remember the Holyfield fights and talks about them as if they are an out of body experience (which should not surprise anyone). I forgot how Holyfield headbutted the shit out of Tyson in those fights.
Yes, they do show the knockouts. Just in case you were wondering if you would spend $10 to not see anyone get the knocked the f out, fear not. The knockout montages are as good as you think they would be.
This movie also has the best list of producers I’ve ever seen. Both Nas and Carmelo Anthony are listed as producers. Though I am disappointed that Melo didn’t give a stop snitchin to Mike’s accusers.
Finally, in The Hangover (out in June and which looks awesome by the way), Mike lip sync’s to Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight”. If this wasn’t a buddy comedy about a bachelor party in Vegas, I would recommend you see this for Mike alone. Now it’s mandatory viewing (and thus concludes my public service to keep my readers as informed about movies like this whenever possible).
For those of you who haven’t seen the preview, it’s a very simple premise. Over the course of a few days, the director just put Mike Tyson in front of a camera and asked him to talk about his life. Interspersed in there are clips of Mike and him talking over it. Why no one thought of this before, I have no idea, but the result is exactly what you would imagine if Mike Tyson talked for an hour and a half straight.
After the Boys Will Be Boys book came out in the fall, the definitive account of the 1990s Cowboys, I put together a Top 7 list of sports books I wanted to see come out. After putting it together, I decided I didn’t like it enough to actually post. But the number one selection was a definitive Mike Tyson biography. I’m not sure how it is for other people, but growing up, Mike Tyson was that dude. For a few years, he was unquestionably the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Even better, he knew he was the baddest mother. And then, it all fell apart.
One of the reasons I wasn’t as excited about this movie as you would have thought is that in the end, it’s kind of depressing. You know how it’s going to end, and yet you still watch to see the details of the train wreck that you came to see. And part of you feels guilty for paying money to see the train wreck. The lesson learned from this is that you have a person with unbelievable physical gifts, but in the end, he doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to deal with it. And to be honest, I’m not sure how many of us would. Mike won the heavyweight title at 20 years old, back when the heavyweight title meant something. If I was a multimillionaire who came from nothing at age 20, who’s to say I wouldn’t have done the same stupid things. We see it all the time in Hollywood. Tyson’s story was the same, just on a much grander scale. The most poignant moment of the movie is when Mike talks about the leaches that sucked him dry. And then in a moment of reflection, he notes that at the same time, he let them suck him dry. (In a related note, in my mind, the most impressive thing about Lebron is how he hasn’t let this happen to him yet. Here you have a guy who’s been told he would be the best player since Jordan since he was 15-16 years old. And somehow, he’s not only lived up to it, but hasn’t had any incident outside of getting the Hummer his senior year of high school. And he’s done this in his de facto hometown with all his friends around. You can talk about Lebron’s physical skills all you want, but his emotional and mental maturity is the exact opposite of Tyson’s).
Ok, enough with the seriousness. You don’t tune in to the Barney Show for its sentimentality. Before we go, let’s get to some of the fun parts of Tyson:
Fun fact: Did you know that when Iron Mike became the youngest heavyweight champion of all time, he did so with a raging case of gonorrhea? He was too embarrassed to go to a doctor, so he fought through it.
Mike uses the term “skullduggery” multiple times. Yes, it’s as awesome as it sounds.
There’s also the several times where Mike talks about his sexuality. Fun times. Let’s just say anytime I see a female CEO in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about how Mike would like to meet her.
Probably the most hyped part of the movie is how he calls his rape accuser, “a vile swine of a woman.” He then goes on to say he didn’t rape her, but has taken advantage of women in the past. Way to contradict yourself out of my empathy.
Mike doesn’t really remember the Holyfield fights and talks about them as if they are an out of body experience (which should not surprise anyone). I forgot how Holyfield headbutted the shit out of Tyson in those fights.
Yes, they do show the knockouts. Just in case you were wondering if you would spend $10 to not see anyone get the knocked the f out, fear not. The knockout montages are as good as you think they would be.
This movie also has the best list of producers I’ve ever seen. Both Nas and Carmelo Anthony are listed as producers. Though I am disappointed that Melo didn’t give a stop snitchin to Mike’s accusers.
Finally, in The Hangover (out in June and which looks awesome by the way), Mike lip sync’s to Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight”. If this wasn’t a buddy comedy about a bachelor party in Vegas, I would recommend you see this for Mike alone. Now it’s mandatory viewing (and thus concludes my public service to keep my readers as informed about movies like this whenever possible).
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