Whoever had January 31st in the "When Z-Bo Gets in Trouble with the Law" in the pool, you win. Contact me to collect your winnings. Hoop Family, y'all.
http://www.portlandtribune.com/sports/story.php?story_id=120276571974463000
It's actually tamer than I thought it would be and didn't involve strippers. Oh well.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Where's $856,000 When You Need It
http://www.jsonline.com/story/index.aspx?id=716821
Can you imagine me with Spreewell's yacht? I think I'd want this more than Michael Vick's house.
Can you imagine me with Spreewell's yacht? I think I'd want this more than Michael Vick's house.
NBA Midseason Review - Western Conference
Last week we brought you the mid season Eastern Conference review. After a long delay, we’re back with the Western Conference counterpoint. Keep in mind this is being written while 35,000 feet above the nothingness that is the Midwest, which is not exactly conducive to inspiration for an NBA column. So if it sucks, you’ll know why.
1. Golden State – Just when I thought they had reached their peak by electing Stephen Jackson captain and then playing a lot better ball when he returned from his strip club shooting suspension (say that three times fast), they go and sign Chris Webber. Regardless of how this helps them on the court, it has led to a 8,413% increase (I’ve done the math) in the number of times they’ve shown Webber’s behind the back dunk on Barkley, which might be my favorite non Jordan or Kemp dunk of all time. For two reasons: First, it inspired the epic Nike barbershop commercial where they asked Chris what Chuck said to him afterwards. “I don’t believe in role models, but you’re mine.” What a great commercial. And second, immediately after Chris pulled this off, I tried to go behind the back in a CYO playoff game. The refs were so stunned, they disregarded the blatant travel and called the foul on the bewildered defender who just flailed at me in confusion (that might have been the single best sentence I’ve written on this blog. And you think I’m kidding.). This was the best And 1 move I had until I discovered the Ed Cota (my all time favorite college player by the way, who might get a tribute episode about him at some point) behind the back pass to yourself on a 2 on 1 break move. I’ve been able to pull that off several times successfully (Sorry, I forgot this was supposed to be an NBA column and not a basketball column about injured D3 point guards. I’ll continue as promised).Also, Baron Davis started reviewing movies. So that keeps them in contention with the Knicks, who will now be without Starbury for the rest of the season. Don’t count the Warriors out just yet.
2. Suns – This is based just off their recent acquisition of Shaq and the nickname he will give himself when he finds out Amare has Black Jesus tatted on his neck. Also, when Shawn Marion was asking to get traded in the off season, his wikipedia page briefly said that he loved white women and wanted out of Phoenix because he had exhausted his supply in Arizona. See this is the cutting edge scouting analysis you only get on The Barney Show. Steve Kerr has to be the funniest GM in the league if your going to laugh with one and not at one. Oh, and Stephen A. Smith cancelled doing a blog about Obama to do it on the Shaq trade. Though SAS has been on MSNBC during the primaries, so he might have some good political insight along with Cheese Doodles.
3. Kings – Ron Ron hasn’t been himself this year. He’s done some wacky things, but its all a prelude to this summer when he ops out of his contract and signs the mid level exception with this Knicks. Also, Brad Miller injured his finger while doing dishes. SPENCER HAWES has had no effect on this team as far as I can see. Oh, and Mike Bibby got awarded the worst tattoo in the league, which was an impressive feat. If Shaq doesn’t do Shaq things in Phoenix, they’ll move up to # 2 in the West.
4. Hornets – Remember last week when I said that the West was the superior conference in the Barney standings? I might have to take that back. There are a lot of teams that just take care of business night in and night out. But Chris “Birdman” Anderson’s suspension ended last week, so if he goes back to his old team, expect hilarity to ensue.
(We’ll now pause because I really think someone doesn’t want me to write this episode. Since I’ve started, I’ve had to close my laptop to look for a pen the kid in front of me lost and my Microsoft Word just crashed. If it hadn’t been restored, I would have just said fuck it, I’m not redoing those 600 words again.)
5. Memphis – For getting comically shafted by Mitch Kupcheck in the Gasol trade as well as their ability to purchase replica jerseys of every member of their team (I think Brian Cardinal is available), but not Rudy Gay. Because sometimes I have the humor of a 12 year old.
6. San Antonio – Upgraded their roster by trading for Damon “Weed in tinfoil through an airport” Stoudemire. I just picture him asking Duncan if he wants to get high and Timmy thinking about it and Popovich pops into his head with a disapproving look. I’m the only one that pictures that? Oh, ok, sorry. I apologize profusely. The Spurs will be an early playoff exit though because ABC/ESPN will repeatedly show Eva Longoria on the game and it will make me want to throw something at my TV.
7. Minnesota – Man, this was a stretch to find another West team that has entertained me, but I forgot the internet campaign to get Antoine Walker voted into the All Star game only because he’s Antoine Freakin’ Walker. He should be invited to every All Star game as an honorary guest, no matter if he’s only averaging 6 points a game.
8. Lakers – Here’s a team that’s Barney performance is just like it’s on court performance. No matter how bad the Lakers are (and they might be the best team in the League this year, but pretend their bad for this example), you’ll always have a game because of Kobe. No matter how unfunny the team is, how I haven’t really used the Bill Walton talking to Luke voice, you’ll always have jokes about Kobe’s trip to Colorado to fall back on. There were rumors of me going out to Colorado for business purposes and I was seeing how close Eagle county was to where I would be going. I’d treat that hotel like a national landmark.
Anyway, that’s my take on the West.
1. Golden State – Just when I thought they had reached their peak by electing Stephen Jackson captain and then playing a lot better ball when he returned from his strip club shooting suspension (say that three times fast), they go and sign Chris Webber. Regardless of how this helps them on the court, it has led to a 8,413% increase (I’ve done the math) in the number of times they’ve shown Webber’s behind the back dunk on Barkley, which might be my favorite non Jordan or Kemp dunk of all time. For two reasons: First, it inspired the epic Nike barbershop commercial where they asked Chris what Chuck said to him afterwards. “I don’t believe in role models, but you’re mine.” What a great commercial. And second, immediately after Chris pulled this off, I tried to go behind the back in a CYO playoff game. The refs were so stunned, they disregarded the blatant travel and called the foul on the bewildered defender who just flailed at me in confusion (that might have been the single best sentence I’ve written on this blog. And you think I’m kidding.). This was the best And 1 move I had until I discovered the Ed Cota (my all time favorite college player by the way, who might get a tribute episode about him at some point) behind the back pass to yourself on a 2 on 1 break move. I’ve been able to pull that off several times successfully (Sorry, I forgot this was supposed to be an NBA column and not a basketball column about injured D3 point guards. I’ll continue as promised).Also, Baron Davis started reviewing movies. So that keeps them in contention with the Knicks, who will now be without Starbury for the rest of the season. Don’t count the Warriors out just yet.
2. Suns – This is based just off their recent acquisition of Shaq and the nickname he will give himself when he finds out Amare has Black Jesus tatted on his neck. Also, when Shawn Marion was asking to get traded in the off season, his wikipedia page briefly said that he loved white women and wanted out of Phoenix because he had exhausted his supply in Arizona. See this is the cutting edge scouting analysis you only get on The Barney Show. Steve Kerr has to be the funniest GM in the league if your going to laugh with one and not at one. Oh, and Stephen A. Smith cancelled doing a blog about Obama to do it on the Shaq trade. Though SAS has been on MSNBC during the primaries, so he might have some good political insight along with Cheese Doodles.
3. Kings – Ron Ron hasn’t been himself this year. He’s done some wacky things, but its all a prelude to this summer when he ops out of his contract and signs the mid level exception with this Knicks. Also, Brad Miller injured his finger while doing dishes. SPENCER HAWES has had no effect on this team as far as I can see. Oh, and Mike Bibby got awarded the worst tattoo in the league, which was an impressive feat. If Shaq doesn’t do Shaq things in Phoenix, they’ll move up to # 2 in the West.
4. Hornets – Remember last week when I said that the West was the superior conference in the Barney standings? I might have to take that back. There are a lot of teams that just take care of business night in and night out. But Chris “Birdman” Anderson’s suspension ended last week, so if he goes back to his old team, expect hilarity to ensue.
(We’ll now pause because I really think someone doesn’t want me to write this episode. Since I’ve started, I’ve had to close my laptop to look for a pen the kid in front of me lost and my Microsoft Word just crashed. If it hadn’t been restored, I would have just said fuck it, I’m not redoing those 600 words again.)
5. Memphis – For getting comically shafted by Mitch Kupcheck in the Gasol trade as well as their ability to purchase replica jerseys of every member of their team (I think Brian Cardinal is available), but not Rudy Gay. Because sometimes I have the humor of a 12 year old.
6. San Antonio – Upgraded their roster by trading for Damon “Weed in tinfoil through an airport” Stoudemire. I just picture him asking Duncan if he wants to get high and Timmy thinking about it and Popovich pops into his head with a disapproving look. I’m the only one that pictures that? Oh, ok, sorry. I apologize profusely. The Spurs will be an early playoff exit though because ABC/ESPN will repeatedly show Eva Longoria on the game and it will make me want to throw something at my TV.
7. Minnesota – Man, this was a stretch to find another West team that has entertained me, but I forgot the internet campaign to get Antoine Walker voted into the All Star game only because he’s Antoine Freakin’ Walker. He should be invited to every All Star game as an honorary guest, no matter if he’s only averaging 6 points a game.
8. Lakers – Here’s a team that’s Barney performance is just like it’s on court performance. No matter how bad the Lakers are (and they might be the best team in the League this year, but pretend their bad for this example), you’ll always have a game because of Kobe. No matter how unfunny the team is, how I haven’t really used the Bill Walton talking to Luke voice, you’ll always have jokes about Kobe’s trip to Colorado to fall back on. There were rumors of me going out to Colorado for business purposes and I was seeing how close Eagle county was to where I would be going. I’d treat that hotel like a national landmark.
Anyway, that’s my take on the West.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Random Stuff
Before I head out of town for a few days to good ol’ Texas, I wanted to leave the readers with a few random things so you don’t think I’m passed out on Note that I wrote a post on the primaries. This was suggested to me by a reader who wanted to know what Barney thought of the political process. If any of you have anything you’d want Barney’s opinion feel free to ask. (As if you actually care what I think about anything besides whiskey recommendations. But feel free to ask. Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure you won’t overwhelm me).
After a few days to review it, I actually like the Shaq trade from the Suns perspective. I think they realized that they had gone as far as they could with their current nucleus and wouldn’t get to the Finals this year without a trade. And that was before Shawn Marion was a malcontent. If anyone has any doubt about this, please read “7 Seconds or Less”. Shaq will now be motivated, so I imagine he’ll be playing better. And even if this doesn’t work from a basketball perspective, I think it has great comedy potential. I can’t wait until Shaq takes Amare under his wing and realizes he has “Black Jesus” tatted on his neck. I’m also realizing that not only did Shaq win the genetic lottery by being 7’1”, he hit the lottery in terms of playing in the best places: LA, Miami and now Phoenix. I’m jealous.
In other NBA news, we have an early leader for this year Best Quote to a Coworker That Reveals I Follow Sports Way Too Much. This one comes when I was talking to LA, who gets press passes for some Wizards games. She still hasn’t asked a question I want, but she did get to interview Kobe last weekend.
LA: “So I asked Kobe a question and he answered it in the most boring way and didn’t even look at me.”Barney: “I’m pretty sure Kobe’s wife doesn’t let him even look at white women at this point.”
That didn’t go over so well.
In work related stuff, I was all set to make a big presentation in front of executives at the 8732 (Yes, I’m using a Young Jeezy reference to avoid letting you know where I actually work). I had my suit and tie game on lock, and was ready to step my career up to the next level. I was in the conference room all set to go, but was then told some of the topics were sensitive and that it would be inappropriate that I sit in on them. So they had me sit in a supply closet waiting for my turn to speak. Sitting in a supply closet, in the dark, was pretty humbling. And after I was done explaining their own system to them, I was asked to leave again. So fuck you, 8732. Not your crew Jeezy, the real 8732.
Finally, it’s always fun to see that I’m on one of the drugs Heath Ledger OD’d on. I might want to watch combining it with copious amounts of alcohol. But I probably won’t.
Be back next week with the midseason Western Conference review and a brand spanking new Texas Toast. I’m going to be at a birthday party with 30 kids under age 9. It’s going to be a fun time. And by fun, I mean, I might commit seppuku.
After a few days to review it, I actually like the Shaq trade from the Suns perspective. I think they realized that they had gone as far as they could with their current nucleus and wouldn’t get to the Finals this year without a trade. And that was before Shawn Marion was a malcontent. If anyone has any doubt about this, please read “7 Seconds or Less”. Shaq will now be motivated, so I imagine he’ll be playing better. And even if this doesn’t work from a basketball perspective, I think it has great comedy potential. I can’t wait until Shaq takes Amare under his wing and realizes he has “Black Jesus” tatted on his neck. I’m also realizing that not only did Shaq win the genetic lottery by being 7’1”, he hit the lottery in terms of playing in the best places: LA, Miami and now Phoenix. I’m jealous.
In other NBA news, we have an early leader for this year Best Quote to a Coworker That Reveals I Follow Sports Way Too Much. This one comes when I was talking to LA, who gets press passes for some Wizards games. She still hasn’t asked a question I want, but she did get to interview Kobe last weekend.
LA: “So I asked Kobe a question and he answered it in the most boring way and didn’t even look at me.”Barney: “I’m pretty sure Kobe’s wife doesn’t let him even look at white women at this point.”
That didn’t go over so well.
In work related stuff, I was all set to make a big presentation in front of executives at the 8732 (Yes, I’m using a Young Jeezy reference to avoid letting you know where I actually work). I had my suit and tie game on lock, and was ready to step my career up to the next level. I was in the conference room all set to go, but was then told some of the topics were sensitive and that it would be inappropriate that I sit in on them. So they had me sit in a supply closet waiting for my turn to speak. Sitting in a supply closet, in the dark, was pretty humbling. And after I was done explaining their own system to them, I was asked to leave again. So fuck you, 8732. Not your crew Jeezy, the real 8732.
Finally, it’s always fun to see that I’m on one of the drugs Heath Ledger OD’d on. I might want to watch combining it with copious amounts of alcohol. But I probably won’t.
Be back next week with the midseason Western Conference review and a brand spanking new Texas Toast. I’m going to be at a birthday party with 30 kids under age 9. It’s going to be a fun time. And by fun, I mean, I might commit seppuku.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
You Might Be Dead to Me
If this goes through, Hoboken is dead to me. It takes a lot for me to disown a town that has 50 bars in one square mile, but this is too much for me to take.
http://hoboken411.com/archives/10473
http://hoboken411.com/archives/10473
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Barney's Guide to the Primaries
Since football is over and I’m always looking for new ways to waste your time, I’m now going to delve into a new topic: politics. One of my readers was a little confused about these primaries going on and wanted me to break each candidate down in ways they could understand: namely, basketball, football and rap music references. I’ll do them one better and throw in a Rocky reference for good measure.
First off, what are the primaries? The primaries are a series of votes done by states to select delegates. These delegates then vote for a particular candidate at each party’s convention. Now here’s where it gets tricky. Each state has its own rules and can select delegates however it wants. Some have winner takes all delegates, others divide them proportionately, others do a caucus (I have no idea how that works). Basically the system designed to get our Presidential candidates was designed by the same people who designed college football. Now that you have that background (AP American Government, what?), we can proceed to the candidates. Let’s start with the Democrats:
Hillary Clinton = Apollo Creed
Both were heavily favored going into their “fights”. Hillary had name recognition and Apollo was well known enough to wear stars and striped shorts on the bicentennial. And then it started. Picture Mrs. Clinton’s campaign manager screaming at her, “He thinks it’s a fight.” And now, just like Apollo, she’s in for the fight of her life. Will this be Rocky and she wins by split decision, or will this be Rocky 2 where they both knock each other out, but she can’t get up?
I enjoyed doing this comparison because I imagined Mrs. Creed getting plowed by the pool boy while Apollo was training Rocky in Los Angeles. And I don’t think Hillary would yell, “Throw in the towel,” if Bill was getting pummeled by a Russian. You won’t find that hard hitting analysis on any other network people.
Barack Obama = Jason Williams
Both of them came out of relative obscurity and burst onto the national stage in a short amount of time (Obama at the DNC and J Will out of Florida at only the 2nd pick). Both of them amazed people with their skills that another race should have (White Chocolate’s playground passes and Obama’s ability to “Speak well.” (I keep going back to Chris Rock’s points about Colin Powell as a Presidential candidate). You can’t mention them without talking about their race. Both have admitted (through drug test or other ways) to doing illegal drugs.
Now we’ll see if Obama follows J Will’s steps and regresses. If this leads to the first Pres with knuckle tattoos them I’m all for it.
(Can I get bonus points for being the first person to compare Hillary to a black man and Oboma to a white guy?)
John Edwards = That guy at a party who tries to hard to be cool
Everyone knows that guy at the party: tries to hard to be cool, wears the latest outfits, and really at the end of the night, will settle for having to score with second class pussy. And that Edwards, he spends $800 on a haircut and he’s really gunning for the VP position. Nothing wrong with that.
Now onto the Republicans:
John McCain = Eli Manning
Back in October, these guys were dead. McCain was saying the Diamondbacks, down 2-0 had a better chance of beating the Rockies in the NLCS than he did of winning the nomination. Eli was having negative passer rating days. Now, they’re they motherfucking shit. And I have no idea why. This comparison also works because the national media likes them more than their own fans. Conservatives question McCain all the time and Giants fans will never trust Eli, even with a Super Bowl ring. It’s even a better comparison if you picture Elisha in a Vietnamese POW camp. And Archie calling the embassy trying to get him back.
Mike Huckabee = Big Ten Football
Both of these really have no chance on the national scene. They’re confined to a certain geographical area and that’s it (Big Ten to the Rust Belt, Huckabee to the Bible Belt). They have trouble grasping modern concepts (see the Big Ten’s inability to stop the spread offense and Huckabee campaigning to scrap the Constitution for the Bible). And both fuck shit up for everyone else. Romney is losing lots of conservatives to this guy who won’t win, just like USC or Georgia were denied a shot at a national title because Ohio St had to play in it because they played exactly 0 good teams all year.
Mitt Romney = Jay-Z’s “Kingdom Come” album
Both have come from the boardroom to the save their movements. Mitt is supposed to be the conservative’s choice in these primaries. Jay was supposed to save hip hop with this album. Neither went to well. Just like conservatives are a little suspicious of Romney’s conservative credentials when he was governor of Massachusetts, rap fans were suspicious of Hov’s new content. “Coldplay? Where’s DJ Premier?” “Free market? He instituted mandatory health care in Massachusetts?” The only difference here is if people secretly didn’t buy Jay’s album not because it wasn’t good, but because he was Mormon. And they didn’t want to tell anyone.
Rudy Giuliani = 2003 Shaquille O’Neal
“Off season conditioning? Training camp? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in the playoffs.” “Iowa? New Hampshire? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in Florida.” Both tried to play up their images (Most Dominant of All Time and America’s Mayor) instead of actually doing work. And both ended up losing in the end. Except Rudy’s concession speech didn’t include Kobe crying on national TV. Oh well.
I hope that when you go into a voting booth, my careful analysis proves helpful to you.
First off, what are the primaries? The primaries are a series of votes done by states to select delegates. These delegates then vote for a particular candidate at each party’s convention. Now here’s where it gets tricky. Each state has its own rules and can select delegates however it wants. Some have winner takes all delegates, others divide them proportionately, others do a caucus (I have no idea how that works). Basically the system designed to get our Presidential candidates was designed by the same people who designed college football. Now that you have that background (AP American Government, what?), we can proceed to the candidates. Let’s start with the Democrats:
Hillary Clinton = Apollo Creed
Both were heavily favored going into their “fights”. Hillary had name recognition and Apollo was well known enough to wear stars and striped shorts on the bicentennial. And then it started. Picture Mrs. Clinton’s campaign manager screaming at her, “He thinks it’s a fight.” And now, just like Apollo, she’s in for the fight of her life. Will this be Rocky and she wins by split decision, or will this be Rocky 2 where they both knock each other out, but she can’t get up?
I enjoyed doing this comparison because I imagined Mrs. Creed getting plowed by the pool boy while Apollo was training Rocky in Los Angeles. And I don’t think Hillary would yell, “Throw in the towel,” if Bill was getting pummeled by a Russian. You won’t find that hard hitting analysis on any other network people.
Barack Obama = Jason Williams
Both of them came out of relative obscurity and burst onto the national stage in a short amount of time (Obama at the DNC and J Will out of Florida at only the 2nd pick). Both of them amazed people with their skills that another race should have (White Chocolate’s playground passes and Obama’s ability to “Speak well.” (I keep going back to Chris Rock’s points about Colin Powell as a Presidential candidate). You can’t mention them without talking about their race. Both have admitted (through drug test or other ways) to doing illegal drugs.
Now we’ll see if Obama follows J Will’s steps and regresses. If this leads to the first Pres with knuckle tattoos them I’m all for it.
(Can I get bonus points for being the first person to compare Hillary to a black man and Oboma to a white guy?)
John Edwards = That guy at a party who tries to hard to be cool
Everyone knows that guy at the party: tries to hard to be cool, wears the latest outfits, and really at the end of the night, will settle for having to score with second class pussy. And that Edwards, he spends $800 on a haircut and he’s really gunning for the VP position. Nothing wrong with that.
Now onto the Republicans:
John McCain = Eli Manning
Back in October, these guys were dead. McCain was saying the Diamondbacks, down 2-0 had a better chance of beating the Rockies in the NLCS than he did of winning the nomination. Eli was having negative passer rating days. Now, they’re they motherfucking shit. And I have no idea why. This comparison also works because the national media likes them more than their own fans. Conservatives question McCain all the time and Giants fans will never trust Eli, even with a Super Bowl ring. It’s even a better comparison if you picture Elisha in a Vietnamese POW camp. And Archie calling the embassy trying to get him back.
Mike Huckabee = Big Ten Football
Both of these really have no chance on the national scene. They’re confined to a certain geographical area and that’s it (Big Ten to the Rust Belt, Huckabee to the Bible Belt). They have trouble grasping modern concepts (see the Big Ten’s inability to stop the spread offense and Huckabee campaigning to scrap the Constitution for the Bible). And both fuck shit up for everyone else. Romney is losing lots of conservatives to this guy who won’t win, just like USC or Georgia were denied a shot at a national title because Ohio St had to play in it because they played exactly 0 good teams all year.
Mitt Romney = Jay-Z’s “Kingdom Come” album
Both have come from the boardroom to the save their movements. Mitt is supposed to be the conservative’s choice in these primaries. Jay was supposed to save hip hop with this album. Neither went to well. Just like conservatives are a little suspicious of Romney’s conservative credentials when he was governor of Massachusetts, rap fans were suspicious of Hov’s new content. “Coldplay? Where’s DJ Premier?” “Free market? He instituted mandatory health care in Massachusetts?” The only difference here is if people secretly didn’t buy Jay’s album not because it wasn’t good, but because he was Mormon. And they didn’t want to tell anyone.
Rudy Giuliani = 2003 Shaquille O’Neal
“Off season conditioning? Training camp? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in the playoffs.” “Iowa? New Hampshire? Who needs those? I’ll just turn it on in Florida.” Both tried to play up their images (Most Dominant of All Time and America’s Mayor) instead of actually doing work. And both ended up losing in the end. Except Rudy’s concession speech didn’t include Kobe crying on national TV. Oh well.
I hope that when you go into a voting booth, my careful analysis proves helpful to you.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Monday Morning Hangover
That's me right now. I'm questioning everything I ever thought was true. I'll do an actual post in a few days once I figure out that the world isn't ending. Easy Motherfuckin' E. And I was so ready to do multiple Dre Day references for this episode. I can crash a bandwagon faster than anyone I know.
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