In this month’s episode of Texas Toast, we have two special guests joining me…(allowing time for a huge build up)…my parents (cue the lone trumpet playing the woh-woh sound). Unfortunately, Houston’s game 6 win prevented me from meeting up with Ron Artest down in Houston. I’m sure that would be fun trying to explain to a judge one day. “Mr Barney, you once drove your daughter four hours to meet a man who incited a brawl in a major arena. Why should I allow you any visitation rights?” I think my response would be something like, “In his defense your honor, it was a riot in Detroit. That’s like an everyday occurrence there.” Though with my parents, there is the potential for more awkwardness that comes from them being down here. The biggest question I have coming in is how my dad sneaks away to watch the Preakness. Alright, let’s get to the quotes.
“Did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?” – The entire world in February 2006
I’m writing this on the plane and there’s a guy in front of me who is wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey even though he hasn’t played a down in three years. He’s also wearing a leather Super Bowl XV hat. That’s right leather. It’s more than three years old and still looks brand new. It would not surprise me at all if he uses Armor All on it. Also worth noting, he did not grow up on Pittsburgh but in South Carolina. Also, it’s fucking May. Training camp doesn’t start for another 2-3 months. The only acceptable explanation is that he’s being picked up by Cowboys fan at the airport and now wants to rub it in that they have a sixth Super Bowl. I’m sure that will be an enlightening conversation.
“Bring it on. It’s already been brought.” - Bring It On
Why am I quoting Floyd Banks’ favorite movie? Because I spent Saturday morning at a girls gymnastics recital. Most of the girls there were 3-7 years old, so you can imagine how it went. Some of the highlights:
Having a black 12 year old girl perform the first trick. She did the vault with a one and a half twist. After she landed it, the guy MCing said, “Parents, this could be your child in a few years.” To which my first thought was, “What black?”
I also had some more fun with her since the MC didn’t mention that she was training for the 2012 games, to which my first thought was, “Welp, you’ll be too old for 2016.”
Is it wrong that I was upset that an 8 year old girl named Brooklyn did her floor routine to anything but “Brooklyn Go Hard” or “Brooklyn’s Finest”?
You gotta love that in Texas they have a moment of silence to thank God for our nation prior to a gymnastics recital.
My daughter winning the Nate Robinson award: Going hard, not listening to anyone, jumping around with no regards for her body, a danger to herself and others. She showed the most enthusiasm, cutting kids in line to do summersaults, doing splits when working the trampoline, that sort of stuff, but not landing anything. But dammit, she got off her balance beam and the end and was the only one to put her arms up and go “TaDa.” There are worse NBA players to compare her to.
Mercifully we were out of there in 45 minutes. Not that I was in any rush to get there because…
“That xanax and endo scrap keep me strapped.” - Beanie Siegel
…immediately after the recital we had the very fun meeting between my parents and my baby mom’s boyfriend. Since I couldn’t start drinking at 11, I needed to pop a few xanax before getting out there. Fun times. Luckily nothing dramatic happened, though if it did, my parents just internalized it. Hooray Irish heritage!
We’ll now take a break from our normal Texas Toast programming to give you a story from someone who does not have any children. Chubb Rock took a break from his busy schedule to stop by and see his niece. Unfortunately, he missed a big night out on Saturday.
“Remember how I told you yesterday about the midget stripper? Well, I got a better one. Last night there was a stripper who was epileptic. She had to wear a helmet out on stage. And she started having a seizure while she was on the pole.”
Well done, the bar has been set. If there weren’t communist strippers, this would never happen. Unless the price of a lap dance was only $2. Then market rules would be in effect.
“What’s been going on in the stands has a lot of flamableness.” - Michael Irvin
One of my favorite things about coming down to Dallas is listening to Michael Irvin with his own four hour daily talk show. The above quote came from his description of the Dallas-Denver series. There’s not a day that goes by when I say to myself, “Self, I’m glad ESPN brought in Cris Carter to replace the Playmaker.” I also love that they bring Nate Newton in halfway through the show because, hey, why not. It’s not like anyone has anything better to do.
“I am so smart. S-M-R-T.” - Homer Simpson
Just when I think I have this whole domestic stuff down, I go and totally blow it. I try to be a good dad, get up early on Sunday to cook eggs and bacon. I even cooked them well. Unfortunately, I cooked the eggs on a brand new frying pan, which still had a sticker on the bottom. So I went to wash it off and there was glue and paper stuck to the bottom of the pan. Realizing that having glue exposed to high temperatures might be a safety risk, I threw that one out and went to Wal-Mart to buy an identical one.
Even more ridiculous is when I decided to go above and beyond what was required of me and went to clean out my daughter’s fishbowl with her. We came back three hours later and they were dead. I’m not sure how she’s reacted to it, but I’m sure it won’t be good. Plus, I can’t really be held that responsible because no one told me the fishes required special water. Really? My goldfish lasted for years are 100% pure West End Tap. I even put the water through a Brita water filter (look at that extra effort). If you’re asking me, it’s just Darwinism at work.
Speaking of Darwinism Chubb Rock noted that Texas playgrounds really haven’t gotten behind this whole “safety” thing. Their playgrounds are still from the 80s from what we could tell which meant a whole lot of crap that can break bones. Chubb said that this was just a way to weed out the weaker kids. I commented that it was ironic that a state that refuses to teach Darwinism in its school would apply it to its playground. I’ll move on, but not before you appreciate the irony.
“Same ass rappers with the same ass songs.” – Stack Bundles
I’d like to personally thank McDonald’s. For their latest Happy Meal promotion, they are giving out free CDs of Kids Songs, pop songs sung by kids. This led to 2 hours of listening to the same 5 songs over and over and over. If I changed it, it led to a piercing scream from the backseat. If you thought the Chicken Noodle Soup song was retarded, imagine it sung by 6 year olds. I picture one of the circles of hell having this on a continuous loop. It got so bad that I went and bought a new CD with kids singing just so I would have some new ones to listen to. Of course, she didn’t like these new songs, so we were right next to the free McDonald’s one. Burn in hell Ronald McDonald.
“Don’t watch me, watch tv.” – Juelez Santana
I couldn’t remember which rapper said that, so after writing the line I said to myself, “That sounds like something Dip Set would say.” Bam, I have my answer. The best part of the trip was that I ended up staying at my baby mama’s new apartment, which unfortunately does not have tv or internet hooked up yet. It’s not like there were game 7s this weekend. I had to rely on Brock’s text message updates to keep me going. Remind me never to make trips during the playoffs again.
For the record, my dad didn’t have to sneak out to catch the Preakness, since it was nap time. Thank goodness because the last time my daughter saw a horse race, it ended up with a horse breaking both of its front legs, the ambulance coming out onto the track and two months of, “Daddy, is the horse going to be ok?” Thanks Dad. I appreciate it. Until next time.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Breaking News: Ron Artest is a National Treasure
Ron Ron's quote from the postgame after last night's victory:
"Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."
God bless that man. Going to Texas, so you know what that means...the return of Texas Toast. Plan you schedule accordingly.
"Five dollar footlong is one of the best songs," Artest said. "That's a hot song. You've got the freecreditreport.com, and then five dollar footlong comes on. When five dollar footlong comes on, they should play that in the club. They should play all those in the club."
God bless that man. Going to Texas, so you know what that means...the return of Texas Toast. Plan you schedule accordingly.
Tyson Review
A few weeks ago I got some text messages from an upset Chubb Rock, letting me know how pissed he was that I didn’t tell him there was Mike Tyson documentary coming out. I was apparently his go to person for information of this type. As penance for that, I went to see it the first weekend it was here in the District and wrote a review. Good enough for you?
For those of you who haven’t seen the preview, it’s a very simple premise. Over the course of a few days, the director just put Mike Tyson in front of a camera and asked him to talk about his life. Interspersed in there are clips of Mike and him talking over it. Why no one thought of this before, I have no idea, but the result is exactly what you would imagine if Mike Tyson talked for an hour and a half straight.
After the Boys Will Be Boys book came out in the fall, the definitive account of the 1990s Cowboys, I put together a Top 7 list of sports books I wanted to see come out. After putting it together, I decided I didn’t like it enough to actually post. But the number one selection was a definitive Mike Tyson biography. I’m not sure how it is for other people, but growing up, Mike Tyson was that dude. For a few years, he was unquestionably the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Even better, he knew he was the baddest mother. And then, it all fell apart.
One of the reasons I wasn’t as excited about this movie as you would have thought is that in the end, it’s kind of depressing. You know how it’s going to end, and yet you still watch to see the details of the train wreck that you came to see. And part of you feels guilty for paying money to see the train wreck. The lesson learned from this is that you have a person with unbelievable physical gifts, but in the end, he doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to deal with it. And to be honest, I’m not sure how many of us would. Mike won the heavyweight title at 20 years old, back when the heavyweight title meant something. If I was a multimillionaire who came from nothing at age 20, who’s to say I wouldn’t have done the same stupid things. We see it all the time in Hollywood. Tyson’s story was the same, just on a much grander scale. The most poignant moment of the movie is when Mike talks about the leaches that sucked him dry. And then in a moment of reflection, he notes that at the same time, he let them suck him dry. (In a related note, in my mind, the most impressive thing about Lebron is how he hasn’t let this happen to him yet. Here you have a guy who’s been told he would be the best player since Jordan since he was 15-16 years old. And somehow, he’s not only lived up to it, but hasn’t had any incident outside of getting the Hummer his senior year of high school. And he’s done this in his de facto hometown with all his friends around. You can talk about Lebron’s physical skills all you want, but his emotional and mental maturity is the exact opposite of Tyson’s).
Ok, enough with the seriousness. You don’t tune in to the Barney Show for its sentimentality. Before we go, let’s get to some of the fun parts of Tyson:
Fun fact: Did you know that when Iron Mike became the youngest heavyweight champion of all time, he did so with a raging case of gonorrhea? He was too embarrassed to go to a doctor, so he fought through it.
Mike uses the term “skullduggery” multiple times. Yes, it’s as awesome as it sounds.
There’s also the several times where Mike talks about his sexuality. Fun times. Let’s just say anytime I see a female CEO in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about how Mike would like to meet her.
Probably the most hyped part of the movie is how he calls his rape accuser, “a vile swine of a woman.” He then goes on to say he didn’t rape her, but has taken advantage of women in the past. Way to contradict yourself out of my empathy.
Mike doesn’t really remember the Holyfield fights and talks about them as if they are an out of body experience (which should not surprise anyone). I forgot how Holyfield headbutted the shit out of Tyson in those fights.
Yes, they do show the knockouts. Just in case you were wondering if you would spend $10 to not see anyone get the knocked the f out, fear not. The knockout montages are as good as you think they would be.
This movie also has the best list of producers I’ve ever seen. Both Nas and Carmelo Anthony are listed as producers. Though I am disappointed that Melo didn’t give a stop snitchin to Mike’s accusers.
Finally, in The Hangover (out in June and which looks awesome by the way), Mike lip sync’s to Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight”. If this wasn’t a buddy comedy about a bachelor party in Vegas, I would recommend you see this for Mike alone. Now it’s mandatory viewing (and thus concludes my public service to keep my readers as informed about movies like this whenever possible).
For those of you who haven’t seen the preview, it’s a very simple premise. Over the course of a few days, the director just put Mike Tyson in front of a camera and asked him to talk about his life. Interspersed in there are clips of Mike and him talking over it. Why no one thought of this before, I have no idea, but the result is exactly what you would imagine if Mike Tyson talked for an hour and a half straight.
After the Boys Will Be Boys book came out in the fall, the definitive account of the 1990s Cowboys, I put together a Top 7 list of sports books I wanted to see come out. After putting it together, I decided I didn’t like it enough to actually post. But the number one selection was a definitive Mike Tyson biography. I’m not sure how it is for other people, but growing up, Mike Tyson was that dude. For a few years, he was unquestionably the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Even better, he knew he was the baddest mother. And then, it all fell apart.
One of the reasons I wasn’t as excited about this movie as you would have thought is that in the end, it’s kind of depressing. You know how it’s going to end, and yet you still watch to see the details of the train wreck that you came to see. And part of you feels guilty for paying money to see the train wreck. The lesson learned from this is that you have a person with unbelievable physical gifts, but in the end, he doesn’t have the mental or emotional maturity to deal with it. And to be honest, I’m not sure how many of us would. Mike won the heavyweight title at 20 years old, back when the heavyweight title meant something. If I was a multimillionaire who came from nothing at age 20, who’s to say I wouldn’t have done the same stupid things. We see it all the time in Hollywood. Tyson’s story was the same, just on a much grander scale. The most poignant moment of the movie is when Mike talks about the leaches that sucked him dry. And then in a moment of reflection, he notes that at the same time, he let them suck him dry. (In a related note, in my mind, the most impressive thing about Lebron is how he hasn’t let this happen to him yet. Here you have a guy who’s been told he would be the best player since Jordan since he was 15-16 years old. And somehow, he’s not only lived up to it, but hasn’t had any incident outside of getting the Hummer his senior year of high school. And he’s done this in his de facto hometown with all his friends around. You can talk about Lebron’s physical skills all you want, but his emotional and mental maturity is the exact opposite of Tyson’s).
Ok, enough with the seriousness. You don’t tune in to the Barney Show for its sentimentality. Before we go, let’s get to some of the fun parts of Tyson:
Fun fact: Did you know that when Iron Mike became the youngest heavyweight champion of all time, he did so with a raging case of gonorrhea? He was too embarrassed to go to a doctor, so he fought through it.
Mike uses the term “skullduggery” multiple times. Yes, it’s as awesome as it sounds.
There’s also the several times where Mike talks about his sexuality. Fun times. Let’s just say anytime I see a female CEO in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about how Mike would like to meet her.
Probably the most hyped part of the movie is how he calls his rape accuser, “a vile swine of a woman.” He then goes on to say he didn’t rape her, but has taken advantage of women in the past. Way to contradict yourself out of my empathy.
Mike doesn’t really remember the Holyfield fights and talks about them as if they are an out of body experience (which should not surprise anyone). I forgot how Holyfield headbutted the shit out of Tyson in those fights.
Yes, they do show the knockouts. Just in case you were wondering if you would spend $10 to not see anyone get the knocked the f out, fear not. The knockout montages are as good as you think they would be.
This movie also has the best list of producers I’ve ever seen. Both Nas and Carmelo Anthony are listed as producers. Though I am disappointed that Melo didn’t give a stop snitchin to Mike’s accusers.
Finally, in The Hangover (out in June and which looks awesome by the way), Mike lip sync’s to Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight”. If this wasn’t a buddy comedy about a bachelor party in Vegas, I would recommend you see this for Mike alone. Now it’s mandatory viewing (and thus concludes my public service to keep my readers as informed about movies like this whenever possible).
Your Blood Turns to What?
Editor’s Note: I swear I wrote this episode last week, prior to Gladwell and Simmons breaking this down in more detail. I finished it up on Friday but thanks to my new paranoia about posting at work, didn’t put it up until today. Why not post it over the weekend you ask? Well, I left my laptop at work because I was going out to happy hour and A) I hate lugging around a laptop all night and more importantly B) there’s a good chance I’m going to get obliterated and leave it at a bar. So it’s waited until now. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask my dad if I called him in February and said, “Kansas-Missouri is on CBS today. I’m looking forward to watching it because Missouri presses like crazy.” My biggest concern now is that my one definitive thing I would do if and when I decide I’m tired of working 12 hour days, saying “F it” and just going to coach high school ball is that now too many coaches know about this secret. I wasn’t concerned about the original piece because really, how many coaches read the New Yorker. But I assume many of them read Simmons.
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/11/090511fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
It’s not that often that I’ll ever link to something from The New Yorker (well la de da Mr. Fancy Pants) and even less likely I’ll be able to add something to a Malcolm Gladwell piece (The Tipping Point and Outliers were great. Blink was ok.), so I have to take advantage of it while I can.
If you don’t know, my high school basketball team employed a system similar to the one mentioned in this piece. We pressed the entire 32 minutes unless we were up by 25+ when we called of the dogs. In this time, we won 3 conference championships in my four years. My freshman year, I was on the JV, but the varsity actually had talented individuals, two which were recruited D1. They didn’t lose a regular season game and were top 10 in the NY metro region (which includes an area inhabited by about 12 million individuals). They ended up getting upset in the playoffs after one of their stars was suspended for stealing chicken from a supermarket (I’m not making that up). My sophomore year, I moved up to varsity to sit the bench, and even though we only returned one starter, we won the conference again. Junior year was a rebuilding year where we finished just a shade over .500. My senior year, starting one person over 6 feet, we won the conference championship again. And again we were upset in the playoffs because our power forward and only one with actual D1 potential was off his game because he spent a few days leading up to the game in county for being one of the first examples of tougher animal cruelty laws (Again, not making this up. He ordered his pitbull to kill a cat and spent time in lock up for it. He was Ookie before there was Ookie). Long story short, we won games because we pressed all game.
Gladwell emphasizes that this is a strategic thing in that opposing players are confused as to how they should attack this new defense. Yeah, once a year we’d get one of those teams that didn’t know what to do and we’d be up 25-4 at the quarter. For the most part though, by the time you get to high school, you should know how to break a basic press. Ours wasn’t that fancy, we just went to an area, guarded the person closest to us, and then denied them a clean entry pass. The same as the team in the article, we left the inbounder free and had our 5 man run back to protect a home run pass over the top. One they got the ball inbounds though, that’s where the fanciness stopped. All we were doing after you got it in was playing man to man full court. In the half court, it went to the very exotic “deny if they’re one pass away, if not, help like crazy” defense. So it’s not like we were reinventing the wheel here. And judging by the above stories about some of my teammates, I think this was about as much information that they could process.
How did we win games then? Because we just wore teams down. Our coach used to have a saying (we’ll get to some of his other saying later), “It’s like Mike Tyson used to say about people fighting him. Everyone has a plan, until they get hit.” You can game plan all you want for us. It will probably take you 15 minutes to establish one foolproof inbounds pass. But what you can’t simulate is having to work just to get the ball inbounds, then having to deal with a hand in your face walking the ball up and then get into some sort of offense for a full 32 minutes. I can’t tell you how many teams started off with no problems. 2nd half though, they started getting lazy. Point guards not wanting to bring the ball up and just wanting to get the ball out of their hands because they were tired. I remember one playoff game and just kicking our ass the first quarter. They were playing tough half court defense and we couldn’t get anything going. 2nd quarter, they switch to a zone. Why? I have no idea, but I’m assuming they realized they couldn’t play tough d and deal with our pressure all game. So they ended up giving back a 15 point lead or something like that. There was the other game where a team was up 10 with four minutes to go, our best player had fouled out, and yet we still one because the other team just stopped getting back on defense.
So where is this all going? My high school coach’s greatest one liners. We had to be the only team in history who enjoyed film sessions. Because it would just turn into a snap session half the time.
To the jacked up guy: “You know you go the big muscles, all strong. But when you go out there, you’re blood turns to pee pee.”
To question his teams commitment to basketball: “You know, we got guys not playing for a variety of reasons…failing classes…want to spend more time with their girl…(looking directly at the one kid who got grazed by a bullet in the head over the summer)...gettin’ shot in the head.”
For motivational tactics, he passed out a copy of the cover of a magazine magazine with a listing of All Americans his senior year. Wilt’s on the cover and he’s one of the other guys with a smaller picture: “Just to show you I used to be able to play back in the day and I’m not full of shit.”
After my first concussion in high school: (Holds up 5 fingers, except he had his ring finger amputated because of a football injury (think Ronnie Lott)) “How many fingers am I holding up?”Me: 5
Coach: “Nope, four and a half. You’re not playing tonight.”
Coach: (After a tough loss on a Friday night) “Ok, practice tomorrow at 8. Who can’t make it?”
Player: “Me coach.”
Coach: (pissed off) “Why not?”
Player: “My girl’s going into labor.”
Coach: “Oh ok. (without missing a beat) You gonna name him after me?”
The Mike Tyson line was a thing of pure genius because if there’s anything to make high school boys think they can conquer the world, comparing them to Mike Tyson will do it. Of course, you have the other side of the coin where they think it’s ok to steal chicken, kill cats and all of that. Ah well, a small price to pay.
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/11/090511fa_fact_gladwell?currentPage=all
It’s not that often that I’ll ever link to something from The New Yorker (well la de da Mr. Fancy Pants) and even less likely I’ll be able to add something to a Malcolm Gladwell piece (The Tipping Point and Outliers were great. Blink was ok.), so I have to take advantage of it while I can.
If you don’t know, my high school basketball team employed a system similar to the one mentioned in this piece. We pressed the entire 32 minutes unless we were up by 25+ when we called of the dogs. In this time, we won 3 conference championships in my four years. My freshman year, I was on the JV, but the varsity actually had talented individuals, two which were recruited D1. They didn’t lose a regular season game and were top 10 in the NY metro region (which includes an area inhabited by about 12 million individuals). They ended up getting upset in the playoffs after one of their stars was suspended for stealing chicken from a supermarket (I’m not making that up). My sophomore year, I moved up to varsity to sit the bench, and even though we only returned one starter, we won the conference again. Junior year was a rebuilding year where we finished just a shade over .500. My senior year, starting one person over 6 feet, we won the conference championship again. And again we were upset in the playoffs because our power forward and only one with actual D1 potential was off his game because he spent a few days leading up to the game in county for being one of the first examples of tougher animal cruelty laws (Again, not making this up. He ordered his pitbull to kill a cat and spent time in lock up for it. He was Ookie before there was Ookie). Long story short, we won games because we pressed all game.
Gladwell emphasizes that this is a strategic thing in that opposing players are confused as to how they should attack this new defense. Yeah, once a year we’d get one of those teams that didn’t know what to do and we’d be up 25-4 at the quarter. For the most part though, by the time you get to high school, you should know how to break a basic press. Ours wasn’t that fancy, we just went to an area, guarded the person closest to us, and then denied them a clean entry pass. The same as the team in the article, we left the inbounder free and had our 5 man run back to protect a home run pass over the top. One they got the ball inbounds though, that’s where the fanciness stopped. All we were doing after you got it in was playing man to man full court. In the half court, it went to the very exotic “deny if they’re one pass away, if not, help like crazy” defense. So it’s not like we were reinventing the wheel here. And judging by the above stories about some of my teammates, I think this was about as much information that they could process.
How did we win games then? Because we just wore teams down. Our coach used to have a saying (we’ll get to some of his other saying later), “It’s like Mike Tyson used to say about people fighting him. Everyone has a plan, until they get hit.” You can game plan all you want for us. It will probably take you 15 minutes to establish one foolproof inbounds pass. But what you can’t simulate is having to work just to get the ball inbounds, then having to deal with a hand in your face walking the ball up and then get into some sort of offense for a full 32 minutes. I can’t tell you how many teams started off with no problems. 2nd half though, they started getting lazy. Point guards not wanting to bring the ball up and just wanting to get the ball out of their hands because they were tired. I remember one playoff game and just kicking our ass the first quarter. They were playing tough half court defense and we couldn’t get anything going. 2nd quarter, they switch to a zone. Why? I have no idea, but I’m assuming they realized they couldn’t play tough d and deal with our pressure all game. So they ended up giving back a 15 point lead or something like that. There was the other game where a team was up 10 with four minutes to go, our best player had fouled out, and yet we still one because the other team just stopped getting back on defense.
So where is this all going? My high school coach’s greatest one liners. We had to be the only team in history who enjoyed film sessions. Because it would just turn into a snap session half the time.
To the jacked up guy: “You know you go the big muscles, all strong. But when you go out there, you’re blood turns to pee pee.”
To question his teams commitment to basketball: “You know, we got guys not playing for a variety of reasons…failing classes…want to spend more time with their girl…(looking directly at the one kid who got grazed by a bullet in the head over the summer)...gettin’ shot in the head.”
For motivational tactics, he passed out a copy of the cover of a magazine magazine with a listing of All Americans his senior year. Wilt’s on the cover and he’s one of the other guys with a smaller picture: “Just to show you I used to be able to play back in the day and I’m not full of shit.”
After my first concussion in high school: (Holds up 5 fingers, except he had his ring finger amputated because of a football injury (think Ronnie Lott)) “How many fingers am I holding up?”Me: 5
Coach: “Nope, four and a half. You’re not playing tonight.”
Coach: (After a tough loss on a Friday night) “Ok, practice tomorrow at 8. Who can’t make it?”
Player: “Me coach.”
Coach: (pissed off) “Why not?”
Player: “My girl’s going into labor.”
Coach: “Oh ok. (without missing a beat) You gonna name him after me?”
The Mike Tyson line was a thing of pure genius because if there’s anything to make high school boys think they can conquer the world, comparing them to Mike Tyson will do it. Of course, you have the other side of the coin where they think it’s ok to steal chicken, kill cats and all of that. Ah well, a small price to pay.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Pancake-Bacon Debates
In this very special Barney Show interview, Brock changes his name to Bacon and gets in depth with Pancake on some of the pressing issues of the day. Highlights include what responsibilities G-20 nations have to the Third World, potential solutions to health care in this country, and what effect global warming may have on crop prices. Wait, we don’t talk about that? We discuss drafting women and funny hats? Oh ok, proceed then with a normal Barney Show Interview, this time, with more of a breakfast theme. We’re about 3 drinks away from Bacon asking a girl if she wants to be the eggs to complete our meal. I see that going over well. Probably not as bad as the time I ordered Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity completely straight faced at IHOP. Alright, enough breakfast related jokes. Questions please.
1. If you could pick one celebrity’s entourage to join, who’s would it be?
B. That’s a good question. There are a lot of celebrities whose posse I’d love to roll with. How do you classify this one? You can go with an athlete, but you have to be mindful of their schedule, workout regimen and menu. You want it to be someone that’s not just hot, but all time hot. You gotta go with someone who’s never lost their touch. Back in the day it coulda been Pacino/Hoffman. But they’ve grown and slowed and Hoffman is a family man now. I’m currently stuck between two in my head. I’m going for Jack Nicholson over Sean Penn because Penn has the kids to raise. Jack still seems to be quite the man around town. Oh, and if he was still alive, I’m totally rolling with Wilt Chamberlain. You know that when I get to heaven I’ma find his big lanky ass.
P: You mean besides Ron Artest? Ok, maybe not. When I come up with these questions, a lot of times its just so I can give an answer. This was one where I thought it was a great question, and had to do some actual thinking for it.
The first thing is that they have to have the ability to promise me I’m never going to have to work again. So that limits 95% of Hollywood because you drop one bomb, you’re career might go with it (If you asked me this in 2005 I would have said Colin Farrell, and look where that would have got me). Also gone, the NFL, you’re one bad knee injury from having your contract reworked. Another thing I factored in is that I’m going to get blindly drunk, so for my own safety, it won’t be a rapper. I can’t have a BAC of 0.3 and have gunshots going off. I thought about an NBA player, but I don’t think I can pull off the whole entourage suck up part. I’d probably tell them, “Yeah, Kobe did bust your ass tonight,” and I’d be out on the street. Jack Nicholson is a tremendous answer. Unfortunately, you need to have a certain amount of class to pull that off, and I don’t think I can do it. I’d be out of the crew after one drunken tirade. So who does that leave us? Alexander Ovechkin, that’s who. He has a $124 million guaranteed contract so money’s not an issue. An he’s Russian, he’s probably got 2-3 degenerate alcoholics in his crew. Also, he’s a crazy motherfucker (which seems to be a theme amongst Russians). I need a celebrity who’s going to take us to some next level story shit. And I don’t know enough about hockey to talk shit to him about it. And yes, I’m surprised as anyone that I chose a hockey player as well.
On another note, I’m still holding out hope that J-Man cures cancer before he gets his driver’s license, so I could be his driver. I would go all out with it and dress like a limo driver too. Though I’m fairly certain relying on me to be sober 24 hours a day on demand isn’t a good idea.
2. You’ve just bought your first Benz, Beemer, Bentley, whatever luxury car you want. What’s the first song you play in it?
B. This would be a changing thing for me as I say it depends who I’m with in said whip. If I’m with any combination of Morty, Twe or Miggy – I’m bumpin Four Horsemen by Metallica. ‘The horsemen are drawing nearer, we’ve come to take your life…’ If I’m with you I’m letting Brooklyn [We Go Hard] rock out, loud as possible. If I’m with a shorty it’s prolly gonna be All I Need with Mef n Mary. But if I’m rollin solo for Dolo, straight up big dog pitbull style…I’m taking Sky’s the Limit over Juicy. I used to end my radio shows with that joint. But Juicy is definitely number two. It’s tough to name just one. I could do a playlist better on this question – jerk…
P: I’ve thought way too much about this question. First, second, third and seventy fifth choice? Hypnotize. I’d try to go zero to sixty before the intro ends. Let’s just hope for safety’s sake I don’t try to recreate the video and drive backwards down the highway. Don’t put it past me though.
Even better, I’d have 4 girls in the back seat. One from NY in DKNY. Another from Miami and or DC in Versace. A Philly Ho in Moschino and a chick with a fatty in Coogi. I might drive backwards at that point because if I can ever recreate that, I might as well die right there because I maxed out my life.
Seventy sixth place? Weezy’s “Got Money”. Only if I get a drop top, and the dealership gave me cash back. I’d ask for the cash back in straight cash in singles, find one of my boys who’d be willing to wear a Top Hat and we’d roll down the highway pretending we’re Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain, throwing singles out the roof everytime the chorus hit.
3. Name your favorite college basketball teams to watch (not a program, a team from a specific year).
B: I don’t know if you’re goading me or yourself with this question. Again I can’t pick just one. There are too many of the UCLA teams that were great to pick just one. That 91-92 Duke squad with Laettner, Hurley and Hill is on the short list because Bobby Hurley was too drunk to play in the Final Four. Because I was impressionable at the time, the 93-94 Arkansas Razorbacks and their 40 minutes of hell. For the same reason, I throw the 96-97 Arizona Wildcats. Bibby and the Jet. Good times…good times. However, I put the 1999-2000 Cincinnatti Bearcats as my number one all time. Kenyon Martin was my dude that year. Satterfield, Logan, Mickeal, Johnson – that was also my favorite NCAA March Madness team of all time. I used to could run up the score on every squad in that game kid. Bonus points for Stevie Franchise being on the cover of that game.
P: Something tells me that I would have loved the 1990-91 UNLV teams but I was too young to actually know what’s going on. All I knew was that they beat teams badly and didn’t get any of the other “stuff” that they were doing. If the hot tub thing happened today, I would have written 4,000 words about it. Anyway, we’re just going off ones that I’ve actually seen play:
4th, mid 200s West Virginia: Pittnoggle alone would put this team into consideration but just the way they played in general was highly entertaining. This team was a second half collapse from going to the Final Four
3rd, late 90s St John’s: And not just because of the thought of Ron Artest in college. Don’t forget they had Eric Barkley and Bootsie Thorton. He was the best because my aunt was a St John’s alum and had a three year old son who would yell out Bootsie whenever they played. Then they all left and they brought in Omar Cook, who was part of a huge recruiting class. I saw him in his first game in the Garden where he seemed destined to be the next great NYC point god. Unfortunately, that was the high point of his career. He did however, have the world’s largest forehead. So that has to count for something.
2nd, late 1990s UNC: Ed Cota is my favorite college player of all time, and he teamed with Vince Carter and Jamison to go to two final fours. Plus they had the Serge Zwicker. Who doesn’t like 7 foot Dutchmen with a cool nickname (The Serge Protector). I remember when Cota threw it off the backboard against Duke and Dick Vitale’s head almost exploded. Downgraded because of the biggity bitch Carter became in the pros.
1st, Fab Five. Put it this way, after they came out, 10 year old Barney started rocking really baggy shorts and no socks. I must have looked absolutely ridiculous. These guys weren’t just basketball players, but rock stars. Gilbert Arenas would say, “They’re swag was phenomenal.”
4. What one liner from a movie/rap song/tv show would you give a kidney to be able to pull off just once flawlessly in real life?
B: Well first I’d like to state that I think I’m interpretating what it is that you’re looking for. You’re asking me what line I’d like to be able to use in real life. Like if I had a sworn enemy and I could say, ‘Plus I fucked yo’ bitch!’ So understand that’s what I think you mean with this question and I’m answering as such. This is still a really tough answer. How do you gauge this? Not everyone knows the same movies as me. So I’d end up, like in real life, making jokes to other people that are for you. Then I have to either call or text you so we can talk about an obscure reference when the other people who are physically in the room with me look at me like I’m retarded. In summation…I’d have to choose a line from Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. ‘Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room.’ I know it’s a little unexpected and most people haven’t seen the flick. But just to be in the war room would be awesome. Plus the paradox of this line is too good to pass up. I’m sure you were expecting ‘It was all a dream…’ or ‘Don’t ask me about my business, Kay.’ or ‘You think you big time? You gonna die big time!’
P: For me, it would have to be from The Departed, when Marky Mark responds to “Who the fuck are you?” with, “I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” I would love to pull that off in a meeting sometime. The other one I considered was, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me,” from Training Day. I think it would work best in a subtler way, where no one is expecting it and you ask yourself “Did he really just say what I think he said?” kind of way. Kind of like this:“Barney, that was a great presentation you gave the other day. The client is really impressed.”“Well Chuck, the rest of the team really pitched in and helped me out. But when it comes to describing the interface, King Kong ain’t got shit on me.”
I would like to say, “Your womb is so polluted”, but with my luck, the girl would actually have reproductive issues and I would have to deal with 2 hours of crying. The risk isn’t worth it.
(On a side note, the best one I’ve ever heard was in a summer league basketball game. I drove to the basket and got fouled. Another player on the other team started to complain to the ref that he didn’t think it was a foul. The guy who fouled me just goes, with the ref two feet away, “Yeah I did it, like the sick white boy the court committed.” Yes, that is Styles off of “Reservoir Dogs” (not the movie, the Jay Z track which samples the Shaft theme). I’m still in awe that someone could pull off a line like that.)
5. Rank the In My Lifetime volumes.
a. In reverse order…I put In My Lifetime, Vol. 1 last. The album starts well enough with the Intro/A Million... and the City is Mine, then it falls off. Streets is Watchin is a classic line, but the record is not as good. Rap Game-Crack Game loses points for straight up biting QB’s Finest. Though I do love the last two tracks on the album. Up next is Vol. 3, Life and Times of Shawn Carter. There are some good records, but Juvenile is on a Hov joint. WTF? Don’t get it twisted, I do like a couple of the records. After all it did give us Dame Dash’s Big Pimpin dance. It’s a grittier album for Jay, what with ‘There’s Been…’, ‘Come and Get Me’ and ‘Watch Me’ (with Dr. Dre). Top to bottom though it’s a very flawed collection though. Finally, I’m rolling with Vol 2., Hard Knock Life as my favorite. It put Jigga on tour and pushed the rap game to the next level, almost single handedly. As I recall it was the first major venue rap tour of this generation. Aside from that, the music is the best top to bottom of the three albums. ‘Take the bass line out…’ It introduced ‘I know they gon criticize the hook of this song.’ ‘Girls and guns. All I want. Stock Exchange. Rocks and things.’ Yea, this is my favorite of this set of albums. I’m going to go out on a limb and claim it has the best B-Sides of a post-Golden Era hip hop album. Am I to assume that you and I will be debating Blueprint albums when the third comes out? I’ll just go ahead and list it now – Blueprint 2, Blueprint 3, Blueprint 2.1 (because there were about 10 semi-decent tracks on BP2) and the Blueprint. Though I still don’t think that Blueprint is an all-time classic. Just because an album is a veritable hits machine, does not make it classic. See: Die Trying, Get Rich or
P: This is the flip side of the first question, where I ask it to get someone else’s opinion when I already have one. Basically, my main point is that I think Vol 2 is overrated. I’ve heard people say it’s a classic, when A) there’s way too many guest appearances and B) some of the beats don’t stand up to time. I think Jay is only by himself on two tracks on this album. Why the hell was Ja Rule on “Can I Get A…” ? He was awful. Also, Annie singing the first time is cool. Hearing that song for the 75th time? Not so much. So it’s a good album, but I don’t think it’s the quote unquote classic that people make it out to be.
After I asked this question I went back to Vol 1 and listened. My first reaction? “I forgot there was more to this album than what was on Streets is Watching.” I was going to put Vol 1 as my favorite but then realized that the song with Puffy and Lil Kim is truly a terrible song. If the album was only like 7 songs and they picked only the ones that were on Streets is Watching, I think I’d have a case. Now, I got nothing.
Vol 3, eh, I don’t feel like getting into it. There were some club bangers. And if Juvenile singing the hook was require so that Jay could rip the remix to “Ha”, then I’ll allow it. That was the first southern track to get major air play in NY and it was only when the remix came out.
Vol 1 and 2 even, vol 3 behind those two.
6. In the last interview we did, you talked about your love of Raquel Welch. The NFL Draft is coming up. If there was a draft of women, who would be your ideal “Day 2 Picks”? We’re not going to talk about the ones that will go early. We’re talking about who you don’t have to trade up to because you know they’ll be there in the later rounds. Basically, I’m asking who you think is hot that other people might not think about, but pulling in the NFL Draft to make it more fun.
B: You’re really not looking for me to be brief today are you? You’re looking for me to give you 1000+ words so you won’t feel like such a jackass. Well I’m calling you on it, jackass. Any rate, my sleepers include…Rachel McAdams because she’s a truly gifted actor and her looks get over-looked. Maya Rudolph because a sense of humor is so sexy. Mickie James because she could kick my ass but still retains her girl-next-door-ness. Rosie Perez because she’ll never be too old – include Tyra Banks in this category. Gabrielle Union because she should be the next Angela Bassett. Amanda Bynes because I remember watching her on All That back in the day and I still want to make sex all over her face. And I’m not sure if this selection would make many peoples’ first day or not, but Raven Symone because she’s the heir apparent to Oprah and I just love something about her. I think if you really want to get 1000 words from me, next time you should ask me what first day selections I disagree with. (I’m looking at you Megan Fox…)
P: I’m not going to lie, half the reason I want to do this is so I can introduce draft lexicon to chicks. I’m really hoping to make “Second Day Pick” a new phrase for not top grade talent. For example, someone asks, “She’s been checking you out. You should go see if you can hit that.” “Eh, she’s a second day pick. She’ll still be there in the later rounds. I need to keep flexibility. I might need that pick to trade up to get her (point to hotter chick).” Other phrases we can use: “Combine Product” to someone who looks great, but you think wouldn’t be all that great in bed. Conversely, “High Football IQ” to someone who doesn’t look that good, but would do some stuff you can’t imagine. You can throw wonderlic scores around girls that may not beat a box of rocks in Jeopardy. “Oh, he’s reaching with that pick.” (Note, I don’t think anyone reaches more than me). In fact, if I come up to you and say, “Who’s your friend? Darrius Heyward-Bey?” please take that as a hint and find someone else. I love drafts of any kind. Any way we can keep this going all year round is a good thing. The only downside is us going out and turning it into a Kiper-McShay throwdown and our entire night becomes a debate using draft lexicon at the bar.
Ok, my sleepers? I think I’d have to pick up Lindsay Lohan just so Floyd Banks can make a joke about it. This would be my Maurice Clarett to Denver in the 3rd round pick where I’m drafting off performance three years ago. Because I can definitely see it ending with a bottle of Grey Goose, a machete and an automatic weapons while avoiding four cop cars. For some reason, I have a thing for Kelly Clarkson, to the point that I watched 30 minutes of that awful movie she made after American Idol (in my defense, I was pretty drunk). Rachel Nichols from SportsCenter could catch it. And finally, Sue Bird. Though if things actually worked out with her, I’m sure the first thing my dad would say would be something along the lines of mocking me because I can’t beat my girlfriend in basketball. If this actually happened, I would read the rules thoroughly and see if I could pull a Celtics in ’78 with Bird and take Miley Cyrus and wait until she turns 18 to “sign her”. I’m getting that Hannah Montana money.
Also please note that Bacon completely missed the point about this because Rachel McAdams and Gabrielle Union are definite first round material. And I think Amanda Bynes could be as well (and if you got her early, I would give you props for that. I’m glad I’m not the only one who first thinks of All That). But I’m glad to know he appreciates Rachel McAdams’s acting. I’m guessing he’s basing it off of her performance in The Notebook. Though I would say that ripping the first day picks would be probably just as fun and probably more fun. Though if we’re going to do that, let’s go all out, dress up in ridiculous suits and call it the Hater’s Ball. We could put up posters of them and make jokes.
7. When people talk about great gangster movies, which one doesn’t get talked about when it should?
B: I’m going to assume you don’t mean to include the old Bogey films. So I’m going to skip shit like ‘Top of the world, ma!’ There are a few ways to look at this. While I consider myself an authority on this subject, as most others, there are tons of gangster movies from the Scorcese-era on, that I have not seen. Now, that I’ve tried to define the era I’m commenting on, I have to pick one. The one that I end up having to show people is King of New York. I’m high on that one, though that might only be because BIG went by the Black Frank White. I think that’s a high water mark for everyone in it NOT named Christopher Walken. I’m not claiming it’s the best piece of filmmaking ever. I just find it to be a highly entertaining flick with a good story and some good people in some well-written roles. So, all things considered, I’m going with KoNY as the movie that doesn’t get talked about when it should.
P: I came up with this question when I watched Blow a couple weeks ago. That is a good movie, yet with the exception of The Lox, I can’t remember any other rappers talk about it (and let’s be honest, when I wrote this question “people” means rappers. Commence Mad Real World “you people” references now). I guess because there’s not that much violence in it. But other than that, you have it all. Ok, some gratuitous nudity wouldn’t hurt either. But hell, Boston George damn near invented the cocaine trade in America. He broke up a Columbian drug lord wedding. You’re telling me that’s not gangsta enough? Another possible reason is that it stars Johnny Depp, who isn’t exactly Pacino, De Niro or Denzel when it comes to this genre.
And you learn valuable lessons in this. If you’re going to purchase drugs from some random Mexican farmers, bring $75 K instead of the promised $50 k. If you’re in front of a federal judge, quoting Johnny Cash is not a good idea (and how about Johnny Cash showing up in a gangta movie).
And yes, I would say that KONY should get consideration, but since Big took Frank White as a nickname, he alone more than makes up for it. The man made it ok to rock Coogi. Laurence Fishburn was tremendous in that movie.
8. Jordan had baseball. Dave Cowens drove a taxi cab. Kanye and Lil’ Wayne are both making non-rap music. What egotistical sabbatical from what you do well would you take?
B: You’re assuming that I do SOMETHING well? I thank you first and foremost for that. Second off, I think I’m working on my ‘sabbatical’ right now. Since I’m transitioning to acting and trying to make a career out of it, we’ll call that what I do well. I’m totally going to make pornos. Not as an actor – I don’t have the ‘build’ for it. But as a writer/director. If I could get the right people in there, I could make some hot shit. I already have an idea for a series. I could write some erotic storylines, with sexy dialogue. Then I could get behind the camera and show giant cock in a tight little twat. But shoot that shit in a way that’s never been done. Well, maybe it’s been done, but I’ll find a way to make it seem like something you haven’t seen before. My biggest concern is getting the right people to actually act in these films. It won’t work if Holly Humps delivers lines like Bill Shatner. I need believable talent. I could make great porn…
P: I see two possible ways I go off the deep end. The first is that I detach completely from society and become a hermit. Part of me would like to not have to listen to another person talk for a few months. Maybe pull a Brando and move to an island in the south Pacific for awhile. The other option is to sell everything I have, move to Vegas and go out Leaving Las Vegas style. Shopping carts full of booze, relationships with hookers, that sounds like a good time. Note that I don’t think you can have two more opposite answers than those two.
9. We’re both now single. What in your case is the best anecdote that sums up why? I’m not looking for a reason (i.e. in my case, I’m an alcoholic who works way too much with a 3 year old 1200 miles away) but a short story that any reasonable person would say, “You know what? I completely understand why he’s not with anyone.”
B: I have a reason and a story for you. The reason was, ‘You had all this fun in college and all these stories. I spent all my time chasing you.’ A story could be…you know how on Madden if you let the menu linger too long it’ll switch over to a demo game? I once stopped mid-coitus to watch the end of a Pats-Steelers demo game. Once my boys won, I pounded it like Peter North!
P: So one night we had a happy hour with some coworkers. Me and Matty Ice (Yes, his real name is Matt and I could have thought of a better Barney Show disguise name, but I’m calling him that to call BS on Matt Ryan for shaming all Irish Americans. That’s a gawd awful nickname. Don’t embrace it. You’re an NFL playoff quarterback not an intramural semifinal losing QB. Act like it.) left the bar after last call (this was 2 AM. We got there at 5 PM.) Looking back on it, I think Matty Ice had a stalker, because no one invited her and she showed up with her friends at this bar that we didn’t tell anyone we were going to. Though I do have my suspicions about Matty Ice’s integrity in these matters. Anyway, we go back to stalker’s apartment with her friends, and I tag along because hey, I just spent $350 at a bar, its 2 AM and what else do I have to do. (Ignore that entire pare if you’re looking for an anecdote. That was just the set up). So Matty Ice does what he has to do and I’m looking at this other girl who’s left with me. The night ends with me asleep on the couch (note not passed out traditionally) sitting upright with my head on the end of the sofa. I had the entire thing, yet chose to take 1/3 of it. I was asked, what happened? Why didn’t you get with her? My response, “Her name was Helen. I couldn’t get over the ‘You look like a Helen’ line.” So yes, Chris Farley lines have precedence over getting laid/relationship. Your move.
10. Finally, please tell a story from the night of November 22, 2008. Because I sure as shit don’t remember it
B: I wish I could say I remember it in the least, but I don’t. Not because I was so drunk, but because it was like 6 months ago now. Alas, I’ll piecemeal it together for us. Did we go to dinner that night? I know the night before, we went to OutBack and I told everyone I was a doctor. Yet, there I am wearing a Wu Tang t-shirt with my Yankee fitted on crooked. I doubt anyone believed me but we told them you were my professor because you were rocking the suit. Now, as per the night of the 22nd. I know we were out watching the football game (OU-Tex?) at the sports bar on the giant screen. Then we made rounds to a strip club – with no lap dances, I might add – then a bar/club where I passed on the Hen-Rock shots and you proceeded to black out. We were there and I was getting down when Billie Jean came on. I started using my fedora as a prop and it was awesome. So there I am being a complete tool when I hear a noise from behind me. I turn around and there you are face down on the floor. I don’t know how or why you fell but you knocked some bitches and their drinks over. Then I carried you to the subway where you immediately passed out and I went about making friends. I know I was talking to some random people. I don’t know how it started but I talked to them almost the whole way home. That’s not a good story. Me telling everyone I was a doctor the night before while wearing a Wu Tang T-shirt and my AAA card that says Dr. as my only identification is a great way to sum up that night. And probably a good answer question nine too…
P: We were a class act that weekend. You in your Wu Tang shirt and Fedora. Me rocking the boom box t with a jacket over it. The only thing I remember after leaving the strip club was buying two shots of Henn Rock without asking you and you not wanting one, so I had both of them. After that, it’s lights out. You telling everyone you were a doctor was fun though. If I recall you said you specialized in microtechnology, but then couldn’t explain what it was except that it involved “small things”. I’m glad you’re putting that engineering degree to work.
Well, there you have it. 5,000 words later, and you’re stupider for having read this. Who’s the winner now?
1. If you could pick one celebrity’s entourage to join, who’s would it be?
B. That’s a good question. There are a lot of celebrities whose posse I’d love to roll with. How do you classify this one? You can go with an athlete, but you have to be mindful of their schedule, workout regimen and menu. You want it to be someone that’s not just hot, but all time hot. You gotta go with someone who’s never lost their touch. Back in the day it coulda been Pacino/Hoffman. But they’ve grown and slowed and Hoffman is a family man now. I’m currently stuck between two in my head. I’m going for Jack Nicholson over Sean Penn because Penn has the kids to raise. Jack still seems to be quite the man around town. Oh, and if he was still alive, I’m totally rolling with Wilt Chamberlain. You know that when I get to heaven I’ma find his big lanky ass.
P: You mean besides Ron Artest? Ok, maybe not. When I come up with these questions, a lot of times its just so I can give an answer. This was one where I thought it was a great question, and had to do some actual thinking for it.
The first thing is that they have to have the ability to promise me I’m never going to have to work again. So that limits 95% of Hollywood because you drop one bomb, you’re career might go with it (If you asked me this in 2005 I would have said Colin Farrell, and look where that would have got me). Also gone, the NFL, you’re one bad knee injury from having your contract reworked. Another thing I factored in is that I’m going to get blindly drunk, so for my own safety, it won’t be a rapper. I can’t have a BAC of 0.3 and have gunshots going off. I thought about an NBA player, but I don’t think I can pull off the whole entourage suck up part. I’d probably tell them, “Yeah, Kobe did bust your ass tonight,” and I’d be out on the street. Jack Nicholson is a tremendous answer. Unfortunately, you need to have a certain amount of class to pull that off, and I don’t think I can do it. I’d be out of the crew after one drunken tirade. So who does that leave us? Alexander Ovechkin, that’s who. He has a $124 million guaranteed contract so money’s not an issue. An he’s Russian, he’s probably got 2-3 degenerate alcoholics in his crew. Also, he’s a crazy motherfucker (which seems to be a theme amongst Russians). I need a celebrity who’s going to take us to some next level story shit. And I don’t know enough about hockey to talk shit to him about it. And yes, I’m surprised as anyone that I chose a hockey player as well.
On another note, I’m still holding out hope that J-Man cures cancer before he gets his driver’s license, so I could be his driver. I would go all out with it and dress like a limo driver too. Though I’m fairly certain relying on me to be sober 24 hours a day on demand isn’t a good idea.
2. You’ve just bought your first Benz, Beemer, Bentley, whatever luxury car you want. What’s the first song you play in it?
B. This would be a changing thing for me as I say it depends who I’m with in said whip. If I’m with any combination of Morty, Twe or Miggy – I’m bumpin Four Horsemen by Metallica. ‘The horsemen are drawing nearer, we’ve come to take your life…’ If I’m with you I’m letting Brooklyn [We Go Hard] rock out, loud as possible. If I’m with a shorty it’s prolly gonna be All I Need with Mef n Mary. But if I’m rollin solo for Dolo, straight up big dog pitbull style…I’m taking Sky’s the Limit over Juicy. I used to end my radio shows with that joint. But Juicy is definitely number two. It’s tough to name just one. I could do a playlist better on this question – jerk…
P: I’ve thought way too much about this question. First, second, third and seventy fifth choice? Hypnotize. I’d try to go zero to sixty before the intro ends. Let’s just hope for safety’s sake I don’t try to recreate the video and drive backwards down the highway. Don’t put it past me though.
Even better, I’d have 4 girls in the back seat. One from NY in DKNY. Another from Miami and or DC in Versace. A Philly Ho in Moschino and a chick with a fatty in Coogi. I might drive backwards at that point because if I can ever recreate that, I might as well die right there because I maxed out my life.
Seventy sixth place? Weezy’s “Got Money”. Only if I get a drop top, and the dealership gave me cash back. I’d ask for the cash back in straight cash in singles, find one of my boys who’d be willing to wear a Top Hat and we’d roll down the highway pretending we’re Lil’ Wayne and T-Pain, throwing singles out the roof everytime the chorus hit.
3. Name your favorite college basketball teams to watch (not a program, a team from a specific year).
B: I don’t know if you’re goading me or yourself with this question. Again I can’t pick just one. There are too many of the UCLA teams that were great to pick just one. That 91-92 Duke squad with Laettner, Hurley and Hill is on the short list because Bobby Hurley was too drunk to play in the Final Four. Because I was impressionable at the time, the 93-94 Arkansas Razorbacks and their 40 minutes of hell. For the same reason, I throw the 96-97 Arizona Wildcats. Bibby and the Jet. Good times…good times. However, I put the 1999-2000 Cincinnatti Bearcats as my number one all time. Kenyon Martin was my dude that year. Satterfield, Logan, Mickeal, Johnson – that was also my favorite NCAA March Madness team of all time. I used to could run up the score on every squad in that game kid. Bonus points for Stevie Franchise being on the cover of that game.
P: Something tells me that I would have loved the 1990-91 UNLV teams but I was too young to actually know what’s going on. All I knew was that they beat teams badly and didn’t get any of the other “stuff” that they were doing. If the hot tub thing happened today, I would have written 4,000 words about it. Anyway, we’re just going off ones that I’ve actually seen play:
4th, mid 200s West Virginia: Pittnoggle alone would put this team into consideration but just the way they played in general was highly entertaining. This team was a second half collapse from going to the Final Four
3rd, late 90s St John’s: And not just because of the thought of Ron Artest in college. Don’t forget they had Eric Barkley and Bootsie Thorton. He was the best because my aunt was a St John’s alum and had a three year old son who would yell out Bootsie whenever they played. Then they all left and they brought in Omar Cook, who was part of a huge recruiting class. I saw him in his first game in the Garden where he seemed destined to be the next great NYC point god. Unfortunately, that was the high point of his career. He did however, have the world’s largest forehead. So that has to count for something.
2nd, late 1990s UNC: Ed Cota is my favorite college player of all time, and he teamed with Vince Carter and Jamison to go to two final fours. Plus they had the Serge Zwicker. Who doesn’t like 7 foot Dutchmen with a cool nickname (The Serge Protector). I remember when Cota threw it off the backboard against Duke and Dick Vitale’s head almost exploded. Downgraded because of the biggity bitch Carter became in the pros.
1st, Fab Five. Put it this way, after they came out, 10 year old Barney started rocking really baggy shorts and no socks. I must have looked absolutely ridiculous. These guys weren’t just basketball players, but rock stars. Gilbert Arenas would say, “They’re swag was phenomenal.”
4. What one liner from a movie/rap song/tv show would you give a kidney to be able to pull off just once flawlessly in real life?
B: Well first I’d like to state that I think I’m interpretating what it is that you’re looking for. You’re asking me what line I’d like to be able to use in real life. Like if I had a sworn enemy and I could say, ‘Plus I fucked yo’ bitch!’ So understand that’s what I think you mean with this question and I’m answering as such. This is still a really tough answer. How do you gauge this? Not everyone knows the same movies as me. So I’d end up, like in real life, making jokes to other people that are for you. Then I have to either call or text you so we can talk about an obscure reference when the other people who are physically in the room with me look at me like I’m retarded. In summation…I’d have to choose a line from Dr Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. ‘Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the war room.’ I know it’s a little unexpected and most people haven’t seen the flick. But just to be in the war room would be awesome. Plus the paradox of this line is too good to pass up. I’m sure you were expecting ‘It was all a dream…’ or ‘Don’t ask me about my business, Kay.’ or ‘You think you big time? You gonna die big time!’
P: For me, it would have to be from The Departed, when Marky Mark responds to “Who the fuck are you?” with, “I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.” I would love to pull that off in a meeting sometime. The other one I considered was, “King Kong ain’t got shit on me,” from Training Day. I think it would work best in a subtler way, where no one is expecting it and you ask yourself “Did he really just say what I think he said?” kind of way. Kind of like this:“Barney, that was a great presentation you gave the other day. The client is really impressed.”“Well Chuck, the rest of the team really pitched in and helped me out. But when it comes to describing the interface, King Kong ain’t got shit on me.”
I would like to say, “Your womb is so polluted”, but with my luck, the girl would actually have reproductive issues and I would have to deal with 2 hours of crying. The risk isn’t worth it.
(On a side note, the best one I’ve ever heard was in a summer league basketball game. I drove to the basket and got fouled. Another player on the other team started to complain to the ref that he didn’t think it was a foul. The guy who fouled me just goes, with the ref two feet away, “Yeah I did it, like the sick white boy the court committed.” Yes, that is Styles off of “Reservoir Dogs” (not the movie, the Jay Z track which samples the Shaft theme). I’m still in awe that someone could pull off a line like that.)
5. Rank the In My Lifetime volumes.
a. In reverse order…I put In My Lifetime, Vol. 1 last. The album starts well enough with the Intro/A Million... and the City is Mine, then it falls off. Streets is Watchin is a classic line, but the record is not as good. Rap Game-Crack Game loses points for straight up biting QB’s Finest. Though I do love the last two tracks on the album. Up next is Vol. 3, Life and Times of Shawn Carter. There are some good records, but Juvenile is on a Hov joint. WTF? Don’t get it twisted, I do like a couple of the records. After all it did give us Dame Dash’s Big Pimpin dance. It’s a grittier album for Jay, what with ‘There’s Been…’, ‘Come and Get Me’ and ‘Watch Me’ (with Dr. Dre). Top to bottom though it’s a very flawed collection though. Finally, I’m rolling with Vol 2., Hard Knock Life as my favorite. It put Jigga on tour and pushed the rap game to the next level, almost single handedly. As I recall it was the first major venue rap tour of this generation. Aside from that, the music is the best top to bottom of the three albums. ‘Take the bass line out…’ It introduced ‘I know they gon criticize the hook of this song.’ ‘Girls and guns. All I want. Stock Exchange. Rocks and things.’ Yea, this is my favorite of this set of albums. I’m going to go out on a limb and claim it has the best B-Sides of a post-Golden Era hip hop album. Am I to assume that you and I will be debating Blueprint albums when the third comes out? I’ll just go ahead and list it now – Blueprint 2, Blueprint 3, Blueprint 2.1 (because there were about 10 semi-decent tracks on BP2) and the Blueprint. Though I still don’t think that Blueprint is an all-time classic. Just because an album is a veritable hits machine, does not make it classic. See: Die Trying, Get Rich or
P: This is the flip side of the first question, where I ask it to get someone else’s opinion when I already have one. Basically, my main point is that I think Vol 2 is overrated. I’ve heard people say it’s a classic, when A) there’s way too many guest appearances and B) some of the beats don’t stand up to time. I think Jay is only by himself on two tracks on this album. Why the hell was Ja Rule on “Can I Get A…” ? He was awful. Also, Annie singing the first time is cool. Hearing that song for the 75th time? Not so much. So it’s a good album, but I don’t think it’s the quote unquote classic that people make it out to be.
After I asked this question I went back to Vol 1 and listened. My first reaction? “I forgot there was more to this album than what was on Streets is Watching.” I was going to put Vol 1 as my favorite but then realized that the song with Puffy and Lil Kim is truly a terrible song. If the album was only like 7 songs and they picked only the ones that were on Streets is Watching, I think I’d have a case. Now, I got nothing.
Vol 3, eh, I don’t feel like getting into it. There were some club bangers. And if Juvenile singing the hook was require so that Jay could rip the remix to “Ha”, then I’ll allow it. That was the first southern track to get major air play in NY and it was only when the remix came out.
Vol 1 and 2 even, vol 3 behind those two.
6. In the last interview we did, you talked about your love of Raquel Welch. The NFL Draft is coming up. If there was a draft of women, who would be your ideal “Day 2 Picks”? We’re not going to talk about the ones that will go early. We’re talking about who you don’t have to trade up to because you know they’ll be there in the later rounds. Basically, I’m asking who you think is hot that other people might not think about, but pulling in the NFL Draft to make it more fun.
B: You’re really not looking for me to be brief today are you? You’re looking for me to give you 1000+ words so you won’t feel like such a jackass. Well I’m calling you on it, jackass. Any rate, my sleepers include…Rachel McAdams because she’s a truly gifted actor and her looks get over-looked. Maya Rudolph because a sense of humor is so sexy. Mickie James because she could kick my ass but still retains her girl-next-door-ness. Rosie Perez because she’ll never be too old – include Tyra Banks in this category. Gabrielle Union because she should be the next Angela Bassett. Amanda Bynes because I remember watching her on All That back in the day and I still want to make sex all over her face. And I’m not sure if this selection would make many peoples’ first day or not, but Raven Symone because she’s the heir apparent to Oprah and I just love something about her. I think if you really want to get 1000 words from me, next time you should ask me what first day selections I disagree with. (I’m looking at you Megan Fox…)
P: I’m not going to lie, half the reason I want to do this is so I can introduce draft lexicon to chicks. I’m really hoping to make “Second Day Pick” a new phrase for not top grade talent. For example, someone asks, “She’s been checking you out. You should go see if you can hit that.” “Eh, she’s a second day pick. She’ll still be there in the later rounds. I need to keep flexibility. I might need that pick to trade up to get her (point to hotter chick).” Other phrases we can use: “Combine Product” to someone who looks great, but you think wouldn’t be all that great in bed. Conversely, “High Football IQ” to someone who doesn’t look that good, but would do some stuff you can’t imagine. You can throw wonderlic scores around girls that may not beat a box of rocks in Jeopardy. “Oh, he’s reaching with that pick.” (Note, I don’t think anyone reaches more than me). In fact, if I come up to you and say, “Who’s your friend? Darrius Heyward-Bey?” please take that as a hint and find someone else. I love drafts of any kind. Any way we can keep this going all year round is a good thing. The only downside is us going out and turning it into a Kiper-McShay throwdown and our entire night becomes a debate using draft lexicon at the bar.
Ok, my sleepers? I think I’d have to pick up Lindsay Lohan just so Floyd Banks can make a joke about it. This would be my Maurice Clarett to Denver in the 3rd round pick where I’m drafting off performance three years ago. Because I can definitely see it ending with a bottle of Grey Goose, a machete and an automatic weapons while avoiding four cop cars. For some reason, I have a thing for Kelly Clarkson, to the point that I watched 30 minutes of that awful movie she made after American Idol (in my defense, I was pretty drunk). Rachel Nichols from SportsCenter could catch it. And finally, Sue Bird. Though if things actually worked out with her, I’m sure the first thing my dad would say would be something along the lines of mocking me because I can’t beat my girlfriend in basketball. If this actually happened, I would read the rules thoroughly and see if I could pull a Celtics in ’78 with Bird and take Miley Cyrus and wait until she turns 18 to “sign her”. I’m getting that Hannah Montana money.
Also please note that Bacon completely missed the point about this because Rachel McAdams and Gabrielle Union are definite first round material. And I think Amanda Bynes could be as well (and if you got her early, I would give you props for that. I’m glad I’m not the only one who first thinks of All That). But I’m glad to know he appreciates Rachel McAdams’s acting. I’m guessing he’s basing it off of her performance in The Notebook. Though I would say that ripping the first day picks would be probably just as fun and probably more fun. Though if we’re going to do that, let’s go all out, dress up in ridiculous suits and call it the Hater’s Ball. We could put up posters of them and make jokes.
7. When people talk about great gangster movies, which one doesn’t get talked about when it should?
B: I’m going to assume you don’t mean to include the old Bogey films. So I’m going to skip shit like ‘Top of the world, ma!’ There are a few ways to look at this. While I consider myself an authority on this subject, as most others, there are tons of gangster movies from the Scorcese-era on, that I have not seen. Now, that I’ve tried to define the era I’m commenting on, I have to pick one. The one that I end up having to show people is King of New York. I’m high on that one, though that might only be because BIG went by the Black Frank White. I think that’s a high water mark for everyone in it NOT named Christopher Walken. I’m not claiming it’s the best piece of filmmaking ever. I just find it to be a highly entertaining flick with a good story and some good people in some well-written roles. So, all things considered, I’m going with KoNY as the movie that doesn’t get talked about when it should.
P: I came up with this question when I watched Blow a couple weeks ago. That is a good movie, yet with the exception of The Lox, I can’t remember any other rappers talk about it (and let’s be honest, when I wrote this question “people” means rappers. Commence Mad Real World “you people” references now). I guess because there’s not that much violence in it. But other than that, you have it all. Ok, some gratuitous nudity wouldn’t hurt either. But hell, Boston George damn near invented the cocaine trade in America. He broke up a Columbian drug lord wedding. You’re telling me that’s not gangsta enough? Another possible reason is that it stars Johnny Depp, who isn’t exactly Pacino, De Niro or Denzel when it comes to this genre.
And you learn valuable lessons in this. If you’re going to purchase drugs from some random Mexican farmers, bring $75 K instead of the promised $50 k. If you’re in front of a federal judge, quoting Johnny Cash is not a good idea (and how about Johnny Cash showing up in a gangta movie).
And yes, I would say that KONY should get consideration, but since Big took Frank White as a nickname, he alone more than makes up for it. The man made it ok to rock Coogi. Laurence Fishburn was tremendous in that movie.
8. Jordan had baseball. Dave Cowens drove a taxi cab. Kanye and Lil’ Wayne are both making non-rap music. What egotistical sabbatical from what you do well would you take?
B: You’re assuming that I do SOMETHING well? I thank you first and foremost for that. Second off, I think I’m working on my ‘sabbatical’ right now. Since I’m transitioning to acting and trying to make a career out of it, we’ll call that what I do well. I’m totally going to make pornos. Not as an actor – I don’t have the ‘build’ for it. But as a writer/director. If I could get the right people in there, I could make some hot shit. I already have an idea for a series. I could write some erotic storylines, with sexy dialogue. Then I could get behind the camera and show giant cock in a tight little twat. But shoot that shit in a way that’s never been done. Well, maybe it’s been done, but I’ll find a way to make it seem like something you haven’t seen before. My biggest concern is getting the right people to actually act in these films. It won’t work if Holly Humps delivers lines like Bill Shatner. I need believable talent. I could make great porn…
P: I see two possible ways I go off the deep end. The first is that I detach completely from society and become a hermit. Part of me would like to not have to listen to another person talk for a few months. Maybe pull a Brando and move to an island in the south Pacific for awhile. The other option is to sell everything I have, move to Vegas and go out Leaving Las Vegas style. Shopping carts full of booze, relationships with hookers, that sounds like a good time. Note that I don’t think you can have two more opposite answers than those two.
9. We’re both now single. What in your case is the best anecdote that sums up why? I’m not looking for a reason (i.e. in my case, I’m an alcoholic who works way too much with a 3 year old 1200 miles away) but a short story that any reasonable person would say, “You know what? I completely understand why he’s not with anyone.”
B: I have a reason and a story for you. The reason was, ‘You had all this fun in college and all these stories. I spent all my time chasing you.’ A story could be…you know how on Madden if you let the menu linger too long it’ll switch over to a demo game? I once stopped mid-coitus to watch the end of a Pats-Steelers demo game. Once my boys won, I pounded it like Peter North!
P: So one night we had a happy hour with some coworkers. Me and Matty Ice (Yes, his real name is Matt and I could have thought of a better Barney Show disguise name, but I’m calling him that to call BS on Matt Ryan for shaming all Irish Americans. That’s a gawd awful nickname. Don’t embrace it. You’re an NFL playoff quarterback not an intramural semifinal losing QB. Act like it.) left the bar after last call (this was 2 AM. We got there at 5 PM.) Looking back on it, I think Matty Ice had a stalker, because no one invited her and she showed up with her friends at this bar that we didn’t tell anyone we were going to. Though I do have my suspicions about Matty Ice’s integrity in these matters. Anyway, we go back to stalker’s apartment with her friends, and I tag along because hey, I just spent $350 at a bar, its 2 AM and what else do I have to do. (Ignore that entire pare if you’re looking for an anecdote. That was just the set up). So Matty Ice does what he has to do and I’m looking at this other girl who’s left with me. The night ends with me asleep on the couch (note not passed out traditionally) sitting upright with my head on the end of the sofa. I had the entire thing, yet chose to take 1/3 of it. I was asked, what happened? Why didn’t you get with her? My response, “Her name was Helen. I couldn’t get over the ‘You look like a Helen’ line.” So yes, Chris Farley lines have precedence over getting laid/relationship. Your move.
10. Finally, please tell a story from the night of November 22, 2008. Because I sure as shit don’t remember it
B: I wish I could say I remember it in the least, but I don’t. Not because I was so drunk, but because it was like 6 months ago now. Alas, I’ll piecemeal it together for us. Did we go to dinner that night? I know the night before, we went to OutBack and I told everyone I was a doctor. Yet, there I am wearing a Wu Tang t-shirt with my Yankee fitted on crooked. I doubt anyone believed me but we told them you were my professor because you were rocking the suit. Now, as per the night of the 22nd. I know we were out watching the football game (OU-Tex?) at the sports bar on the giant screen. Then we made rounds to a strip club – with no lap dances, I might add – then a bar/club where I passed on the Hen-Rock shots and you proceeded to black out. We were there and I was getting down when Billie Jean came on. I started using my fedora as a prop and it was awesome. So there I am being a complete tool when I hear a noise from behind me. I turn around and there you are face down on the floor. I don’t know how or why you fell but you knocked some bitches and their drinks over. Then I carried you to the subway where you immediately passed out and I went about making friends. I know I was talking to some random people. I don’t know how it started but I talked to them almost the whole way home. That’s not a good story. Me telling everyone I was a doctor the night before while wearing a Wu Tang T-shirt and my AAA card that says Dr. as my only identification is a great way to sum up that night. And probably a good answer question nine too…
P: We were a class act that weekend. You in your Wu Tang shirt and Fedora. Me rocking the boom box t with a jacket over it. The only thing I remember after leaving the strip club was buying two shots of Henn Rock without asking you and you not wanting one, so I had both of them. After that, it’s lights out. You telling everyone you were a doctor was fun though. If I recall you said you specialized in microtechnology, but then couldn’t explain what it was except that it involved “small things”. I’m glad you’re putting that engineering degree to work.
Well, there you have it. 5,000 words later, and you’re stupider for having read this. Who’s the winner now?
NFL Draft Diary...a week late
Coming to you live from my bedroom in northern VA, it’s the 3rd Annual Barney NFL Draft Running Diary in which an idea is blatantly stolen from Sports Guy (and now, only a week late). The tradition unlike any other ends this year, as this is the first time I’ve done one where I’ve started it sober. You might think I was out enjoying this gorgeous weather (The most requested song yesterday on the radio? “Summertime” by The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff), but you’d be wrong. I spent my morning working on a proposal. So the nicest day of the year so far and I was in an office and my bedroom. Fantastic. We’re joined here today by a chicken burrito and a six pack of Corona, in honor of this draft centering around what happens with Mark Sanchez. This might be the only time the NFL draft centers around a Mexican so I’m making the most of it. We do have half a liter of Jack on hand as well, in case the Jets do their usual draft routine (I came home for lunch and at noon, ESPN kicked off the hour with an intro with Matthew McConaughy detailing draft busts. He ended the segment with, “…and if you know a Jets fan, today, you might want to give them a hug.” That about says it all). On that note, let’s rank the most horrifying scenarios that could play out today.
3. This one has already played out in that the Jets have already shown their hand and made it clear that they want to trade up. You couldn’t get the Patriots to admit who’s catering today’s event, and the Jets are letting Sal Palentonio know their plans. There’s a reason one team has won 3 Super Bowls the past decade and one who has been to one conference championship in my lifetime.
2. Trading up and giving up the farm for Sanchez. When he originally came out, I was didn’t want him being selected at 17. I saw him twice, against Ohio St and Penn St. As I told Brock when he went pro, I think all stats against Big 10 teams should cut in half. Now that they would give up next year’s first for him, I’m could give last years Gholston drinking binge a run for its money (and I ended up being right on that one).
1. There’s been talk of the Browns trading Brady Quinn to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. The entire blogosphere just wet itself trying to think of a Brady Quinn/East Village joke. I don’t think he’s a bad quarterback, but I don’t like my quarterback to be a joke anytime you Google image search him.
Alright, let’s cut the BS, let’s get it on. I know you can’t wait to get comments on football from a guy who hasn’t played a down in his life.
3:43: Sanchez isn’t at the draft but is at his agent’s office. He gets Shelly Smith covering him. In NY, they have Erin Andrews. I’m questioning his decision making ability already.
3:44: Oh great, Herm Edwards is part of ESPN’s coverage. Commence Jack drinking. He just compared the Draft to baking an apple pie. That seems about right.
3:51: Melo just ran a horrible last second play down one to New Orleans. Posey to the line. Melo missed a half court shot. In case you were wondering.
4:00: They just showed Deion Sanders on draft day back in the day. He was on par with Mr T.
4:01: Michael Crabtree had a bad ass pinky ring going. Kiss the rings bitch.
4:02: Every time Goddell does this, he comes off as a complete dork. And that’s coming from someone sitting at home on a gorgeous day to live blog it.
4:04: Stafford gets picked and they cut to the two Lions fans in attendance. They’re both wearing Barry Sanders jerseys, who stopped playing in like 1999. I think that says it all about that team.
4:06: I love that Mel Kiper Jr had him pegged as the first pick of this draft when he graduated from high school in Dallas. That’s why he’s the absolute best.
4:07: Wait, the Manning brothers are watching the draft and texted Stafford? Didn’t they have their Oreo racing championship yesterday? How did they find the time?
4:10: Steve Young is all about a quarterback taking people by the throat. That’s the second time he’s said that so far today. Oh those crazy Mormons.
4:15: Jason Smith, Baylor. Safe pick. You might notice that I don’t have many jokes about offensive linemen.
4:20: Aaron Curry’s suit is gangsta. Between this and the earlier Crabtree comment, I’ll try not to turn this into a fashion blog.
4:22: Why did they let Herm comment on the Chiefs? Why was he not ripped for decimating that franchise? I’m going to be very frustrated very soon.
4:25: Tyson Jackson to KC from LSU. Kiper kills the pick. Seahawks up next, which will set the tone for the rest of the draft.
4:32: Aaron Curry to Seattle…and now it gets interesting. Because the Sanchez sweepstakes just started. I’m expecting Washington to completely overpay for this pick. By the way, I really like this pick for Seattle. But Curry’s gangsta is completely ruined by the neon green hat he’s forced to wear. If that was available in 1991, J-Man would definitely have owned it.
4:36: And they’re playing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” in Radio City Music Hall. Somebody spent less than 10 seconds picking out Seattle’s music. Can they please play Biggie for either the Jets or Giants? And yes, I’m looking forward to who get’s Atlanta’s spot.
4:39: Oh shit, Jets just traded with Cleveland.
4:41: Steve Young just called Sanchez “presidential”. The entire board is giving the Jets a thumbs up for doing this. I’ll hold out until I hear what they give up.
4:42: After he was picked they cut to a Jets fan saying, “Horrible.”
4:44: You know what, I’m ok with this. Rex Ryan won last year with a rookie. Let’s just hope they didn’t give up the farm for this.
4:46: They just gave up a 2nd and some of Mangini’s favorite players. I’m quite ok with this. In fact, let’s chug a Corona. Viva La Revolution!!!
4:47: As this point, I’m very ok with this. In fact, I’m turning a corner and am almost excited. The Jets were 9-7 last year and were the beat the best regular season team on the road before their quarterback imploded. They went out and got a new coach who I’m excited as hell for and got the best free agent defensive player. You know what, I’m excited for next year.
4:50: And of course the Bengals select the guy with character problems. They also signed Tank Johnson this off season. It’s almost like they’re accepting their role and are embracing it. If so, please sign Michael Vick because my dream of him being a Jet is done.
4:55: Berman saying “Chad OchoCinco” was tremendous. His name change has now been officially changed on NFL and Steve Young and Berman are referring to him as that. I’m laughing my ass off. I don’t see this joke not getting old at any point.
4:57: Darrius Heyward-Bey? Really? I see the Raiders basic offense being Darrius, you run long, JaMarcus, you throw it as far as you can.
4:58: Both Kiper and McShay gave it an F grade. Fantastic.
5:06: Eugene Monroe to Jacksonville. I’m finding it hard to imagine a football player named Eugene. Then Berman mentions that he has 16 brothers and sisters and it makes sense. They just ran out of names.
5:07: Steve Young blames all WR swagger problems on Keyshawn. It’s getting feisty on the set.
5:08: I get a text from LA: “hahahahahahahahahaha”. That’s five haha’s. I reply back that he’ll be in the hall of fame if he can play Penn State every week. She didn’t take that too well.
5:10: And the defense of Sanchez begins. This is one of those franchise changing moves that you have to support. Because it’s done, and there’s no going back from it. Taking the front office move out on the player doesn’t help anyone. Time to get on the Sanchez bus. I got my ticket.
5:14: BJ Raji to Green Bay. He’s not a software developer, he’s a defensive lineman.
5:19: Instead of Berman tipping off the pick before tossing it to the commish, their new thing is to have a camera on the draftee when he’s getting the call. Thanks for the suspense douches.
5:21: Crabtree to 49ers. Noted that he was the baddest motherfucker in America last year. But then again, I said the same thing about Charles Rodgers.
5:26: Since Heyward-Bey went so early, he won’t be the bust of the draft, but I had Aaron Maybin as the bust of the draft on my board (i.e. a rough hodgepodge of ideas in my head that I don’t reveal to anyone), since he wasn’t even a starter at Penn State until last year.
5:28: Somehow I don’t see black people embracing KFC’s new grilled chicken. I’ve got Mexican comments, blacks, who else is left?
5:30: Knowshon Moreno gets the keeping it real award for this year by wearing a t-shirt and a fitted to the side and playing cards while being filmed by ESPN. And he goes to Denver.
5:33: The Redskins waste no time taking Orakpo. He’s a monster. But so was Gholston. Asked me how that turned out.
5:34: Orakpo benches 515. I actually had to do the math on that one, and that’s five plates plus.
5:37: Stafford let Maria Sharapova make him over for E:60? How much did you pay for him Detroit? Want that back? If he didn’t get some for that, I’d have character questions. If I was an NFL personnel person, I’d be the only one who brings up character issues for doing gay things.
5:40: Malcolm Jenkins, who is doing his best Kanye impression, goes to the Saints.
5:41: My phone has been oddly silent today. Could it be that everyone else is out enjoying this weather in the northeast? I think so.
5:44: Ray Maualuga getting interviewed by Erin Andrews might be the most exciting moment of this draft. Just youtube those two and enjoy.
5:45: Brian Cushing to Houston. Injury issues? An alleged steroid positive? I’m intrigued by this coincidence.
5:51: Larry English to San Diego. I’ve never heard of him. My level of research of this is unsurpassed.
5:55: Did Sanchez just say “From the West Coast, the best coast”? I hope this was done before he knew he was going to New York, because let me say this: The land of Biggie will not stand for that shit.
5:58: Just got a congrats text about Sanchez. I’m on the enjoyment train right now. Not a normal feeling this time of year.
6:06: Robert Ayers to Denver. I got nothing.
6:10: You know what’s the toughest part of this draft? That it’s sponsored by Coors. Not that I drink it, but that I was slated to go out on a business trip out to Golden, Colorado. My job consisted of sitting in an office for 8 hours and answering three questions a day about this one software I know about. So basically, I get a free trip out to Colorado. And on Tuesday, it got cancelled because of costs. Fuck-ing-a. Good bye vacation while not having to take vacation days.
6:13: Macklin gets a call from Philly while Eye of the Tiger plays. The music coordinator spent about 5 minutes getting prepped for this.
6:15: Doesn’t Deshaun Jackson return punts and kicks as well? I’m confused by this pick.
6:19: Brandon Pettigrew to Detroit. Seems like a good pick for Detroit.
6:25: Alex Mack to Cleveland. See my previous statement about offensive lineman comments.
6:28: Percy Harvin to Minnesota. And I called it. You’ll have to believe me since I’m the only one here. And yes, this was the player I wanted to Jets to get if they didn’t trade up. I like this pick. Very much. If they had someone else at qb besides Tavaris Jackson, I’d say they could have a chance to go to the Super Bowl.
6:34: Another plus in this pick? Sanchez is a west coast guy. The Jets couldn’t win shit west of the Mississippi. So maybe that will help.
6:35: And the Patriots traded back. Huge surprise. Should I be concerned about Mangini taking the Belichick method and trading back continuously and that he was smarter than we gave credit for and Tannenbaum was running the show? You know I couldn’t leave a draft in a positive state of mind.
6:36: I’ve read “The Blind Side” and yes, Oher’s story is as good as they hype it.
6:39: And I don’t think he could go to a better team than Baltimore. And he nailed the interview with EA. Honestly, go read The Blind Side and go root for him even if you’re a Steelers fan.
8:41: Peria Jerry? The fuck?
6:48: Vontae Davis to Miami. I got nothing. We’re at that point where I stop having an effective opinion on anyone.
6:58: And all of Radio City Music Hall chants “USA, USA, USA” for the military servicemen. Since I’m getting to that point where I’m out of opinions, I can’t top that, and I’m drunk enough, we’re signing off for this year. God Bless America.
Other thoughts after sobering up Sunday morning:
Another pick that I like, Nicks to the Giants. I texted Chubb Rock to let him know it as well.
The Steelers drafted the guy with the best porn name, Ziggy Hood.
Am I excited for Pat White running the Wildcat in Miami next year? Fuck yes I am.
Finally, I’m ok with the Sanchez pick. Even though he doesn’t have that many games under his belt, sometimes you have to make a tough call and go with your gut. There are about 10 teams in the league who don’t have to worry about their QB situation. Two that have no issues what so ever (Indy and New England assuming Brady comes back healthy), two that have Super Bowl rings but drive their fans nuts sometimes (Pittsburgh and the Giants), two where they have a young guy with an impressive rookie year and aren’t looking for someone but I’d like to see it more than one year (Baltimore and Atlanta. You could also put Kansas City in this category if you want), two where the qbs are douches, but can get the job done (San Diego and Chicago) and two where they have veterans but they don’t know for how long (Philly and Arizona). That’s it. If you have someone established at that position, it makes everything else so much easier. And if the J-E-T-S thought Sanchez was one of those guys, you have to go for it, because its not something that comes along every year. The Jets are in a win now mode, with a defense that will be good, so it’s not like they can expect to get a top 10 pick next year.
And more importantly, they didn’t give up too much to go up. It’s always difficult to project how one guy who excels in one system will do in another. These might be three guys who will only work well in Mangini’s system. So I’m not that concerned about that. They didn’t give up a ton of picks to move up, so I’m happy.
3. This one has already played out in that the Jets have already shown their hand and made it clear that they want to trade up. You couldn’t get the Patriots to admit who’s catering today’s event, and the Jets are letting Sal Palentonio know their plans. There’s a reason one team has won 3 Super Bowls the past decade and one who has been to one conference championship in my lifetime.
2. Trading up and giving up the farm for Sanchez. When he originally came out, I was didn’t want him being selected at 17. I saw him twice, against Ohio St and Penn St. As I told Brock when he went pro, I think all stats against Big 10 teams should cut in half. Now that they would give up next year’s first for him, I’m could give last years Gholston drinking binge a run for its money (and I ended up being right on that one).
1. There’s been talk of the Browns trading Brady Quinn to the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. The entire blogosphere just wet itself trying to think of a Brady Quinn/East Village joke. I don’t think he’s a bad quarterback, but I don’t like my quarterback to be a joke anytime you Google image search him.
Alright, let’s cut the BS, let’s get it on. I know you can’t wait to get comments on football from a guy who hasn’t played a down in his life.
3:43: Sanchez isn’t at the draft but is at his agent’s office. He gets Shelly Smith covering him. In NY, they have Erin Andrews. I’m questioning his decision making ability already.
3:44: Oh great, Herm Edwards is part of ESPN’s coverage. Commence Jack drinking. He just compared the Draft to baking an apple pie. That seems about right.
3:51: Melo just ran a horrible last second play down one to New Orleans. Posey to the line. Melo missed a half court shot. In case you were wondering.
4:00: They just showed Deion Sanders on draft day back in the day. He was on par with Mr T.
4:01: Michael Crabtree had a bad ass pinky ring going. Kiss the rings bitch.
4:02: Every time Goddell does this, he comes off as a complete dork. And that’s coming from someone sitting at home on a gorgeous day to live blog it.
4:04: Stafford gets picked and they cut to the two Lions fans in attendance. They’re both wearing Barry Sanders jerseys, who stopped playing in like 1999. I think that says it all about that team.
4:06: I love that Mel Kiper Jr had him pegged as the first pick of this draft when he graduated from high school in Dallas. That’s why he’s the absolute best.
4:07: Wait, the Manning brothers are watching the draft and texted Stafford? Didn’t they have their Oreo racing championship yesterday? How did they find the time?
4:10: Steve Young is all about a quarterback taking people by the throat. That’s the second time he’s said that so far today. Oh those crazy Mormons.
4:15: Jason Smith, Baylor. Safe pick. You might notice that I don’t have many jokes about offensive linemen.
4:20: Aaron Curry’s suit is gangsta. Between this and the earlier Crabtree comment, I’ll try not to turn this into a fashion blog.
4:22: Why did they let Herm comment on the Chiefs? Why was he not ripped for decimating that franchise? I’m going to be very frustrated very soon.
4:25: Tyson Jackson to KC from LSU. Kiper kills the pick. Seahawks up next, which will set the tone for the rest of the draft.
4:32: Aaron Curry to Seattle…and now it gets interesting. Because the Sanchez sweepstakes just started. I’m expecting Washington to completely overpay for this pick. By the way, I really like this pick for Seattle. But Curry’s gangsta is completely ruined by the neon green hat he’s forced to wear. If that was available in 1991, J-Man would definitely have owned it.
4:36: And they’re playing “Smells Like Teen Spirit” in Radio City Music Hall. Somebody spent less than 10 seconds picking out Seattle’s music. Can they please play Biggie for either the Jets or Giants? And yes, I’m looking forward to who get’s Atlanta’s spot.
4:39: Oh shit, Jets just traded with Cleveland.
4:41: Steve Young just called Sanchez “presidential”. The entire board is giving the Jets a thumbs up for doing this. I’ll hold out until I hear what they give up.
4:42: After he was picked they cut to a Jets fan saying, “Horrible.”
4:44: You know what, I’m ok with this. Rex Ryan won last year with a rookie. Let’s just hope they didn’t give up the farm for this.
4:46: They just gave up a 2nd and some of Mangini’s favorite players. I’m quite ok with this. In fact, let’s chug a Corona. Viva La Revolution!!!
4:47: As this point, I’m very ok with this. In fact, I’m turning a corner and am almost excited. The Jets were 9-7 last year and were the beat the best regular season team on the road before their quarterback imploded. They went out and got a new coach who I’m excited as hell for and got the best free agent defensive player. You know what, I’m excited for next year.
4:50: And of course the Bengals select the guy with character problems. They also signed Tank Johnson this off season. It’s almost like they’re accepting their role and are embracing it. If so, please sign Michael Vick because my dream of him being a Jet is done.
4:55: Berman saying “Chad OchoCinco” was tremendous. His name change has now been officially changed on NFL and Steve Young and Berman are referring to him as that. I’m laughing my ass off. I don’t see this joke not getting old at any point.
4:57: Darrius Heyward-Bey? Really? I see the Raiders basic offense being Darrius, you run long, JaMarcus, you throw it as far as you can.
4:58: Both Kiper and McShay gave it an F grade. Fantastic.
5:06: Eugene Monroe to Jacksonville. I’m finding it hard to imagine a football player named Eugene. Then Berman mentions that he has 16 brothers and sisters and it makes sense. They just ran out of names.
5:07: Steve Young blames all WR swagger problems on Keyshawn. It’s getting feisty on the set.
5:08: I get a text from LA: “hahahahahahahahahaha”. That’s five haha’s. I reply back that he’ll be in the hall of fame if he can play Penn State every week. She didn’t take that too well.
5:10: And the defense of Sanchez begins. This is one of those franchise changing moves that you have to support. Because it’s done, and there’s no going back from it. Taking the front office move out on the player doesn’t help anyone. Time to get on the Sanchez bus. I got my ticket.
5:14: BJ Raji to Green Bay. He’s not a software developer, he’s a defensive lineman.
5:19: Instead of Berman tipping off the pick before tossing it to the commish, their new thing is to have a camera on the draftee when he’s getting the call. Thanks for the suspense douches.
5:21: Crabtree to 49ers. Noted that he was the baddest motherfucker in America last year. But then again, I said the same thing about Charles Rodgers.
5:26: Since Heyward-Bey went so early, he won’t be the bust of the draft, but I had Aaron Maybin as the bust of the draft on my board (i.e. a rough hodgepodge of ideas in my head that I don’t reveal to anyone), since he wasn’t even a starter at Penn State until last year.
5:28: Somehow I don’t see black people embracing KFC’s new grilled chicken. I’ve got Mexican comments, blacks, who else is left?
5:30: Knowshon Moreno gets the keeping it real award for this year by wearing a t-shirt and a fitted to the side and playing cards while being filmed by ESPN. And he goes to Denver.
5:33: The Redskins waste no time taking Orakpo. He’s a monster. But so was Gholston. Asked me how that turned out.
5:34: Orakpo benches 515. I actually had to do the math on that one, and that’s five plates plus.
5:37: Stafford let Maria Sharapova make him over for E:60? How much did you pay for him Detroit? Want that back? If he didn’t get some for that, I’d have character questions. If I was an NFL personnel person, I’d be the only one who brings up character issues for doing gay things.
5:40: Malcolm Jenkins, who is doing his best Kanye impression, goes to the Saints.
5:41: My phone has been oddly silent today. Could it be that everyone else is out enjoying this weather in the northeast? I think so.
5:44: Ray Maualuga getting interviewed by Erin Andrews might be the most exciting moment of this draft. Just youtube those two and enjoy.
5:45: Brian Cushing to Houston. Injury issues? An alleged steroid positive? I’m intrigued by this coincidence.
5:51: Larry English to San Diego. I’ve never heard of him. My level of research of this is unsurpassed.
5:55: Did Sanchez just say “From the West Coast, the best coast”? I hope this was done before he knew he was going to New York, because let me say this: The land of Biggie will not stand for that shit.
5:58: Just got a congrats text about Sanchez. I’m on the enjoyment train right now. Not a normal feeling this time of year.
6:06: Robert Ayers to Denver. I got nothing.
6:10: You know what’s the toughest part of this draft? That it’s sponsored by Coors. Not that I drink it, but that I was slated to go out on a business trip out to Golden, Colorado. My job consisted of sitting in an office for 8 hours and answering three questions a day about this one software I know about. So basically, I get a free trip out to Colorado. And on Tuesday, it got cancelled because of costs. Fuck-ing-a. Good bye vacation while not having to take vacation days.
6:13: Macklin gets a call from Philly while Eye of the Tiger plays. The music coordinator spent about 5 minutes getting prepped for this.
6:15: Doesn’t Deshaun Jackson return punts and kicks as well? I’m confused by this pick.
6:19: Brandon Pettigrew to Detroit. Seems like a good pick for Detroit.
6:25: Alex Mack to Cleveland. See my previous statement about offensive lineman comments.
6:28: Percy Harvin to Minnesota. And I called it. You’ll have to believe me since I’m the only one here. And yes, this was the player I wanted to Jets to get if they didn’t trade up. I like this pick. Very much. If they had someone else at qb besides Tavaris Jackson, I’d say they could have a chance to go to the Super Bowl.
6:34: Another plus in this pick? Sanchez is a west coast guy. The Jets couldn’t win shit west of the Mississippi. So maybe that will help.
6:35: And the Patriots traded back. Huge surprise. Should I be concerned about Mangini taking the Belichick method and trading back continuously and that he was smarter than we gave credit for and Tannenbaum was running the show? You know I couldn’t leave a draft in a positive state of mind.
6:36: I’ve read “The Blind Side” and yes, Oher’s story is as good as they hype it.
6:39: And I don’t think he could go to a better team than Baltimore. And he nailed the interview with EA. Honestly, go read The Blind Side and go root for him even if you’re a Steelers fan.
8:41: Peria Jerry? The fuck?
6:48: Vontae Davis to Miami. I got nothing. We’re at that point where I stop having an effective opinion on anyone.
6:58: And all of Radio City Music Hall chants “USA, USA, USA” for the military servicemen. Since I’m getting to that point where I’m out of opinions, I can’t top that, and I’m drunk enough, we’re signing off for this year. God Bless America.
Other thoughts after sobering up Sunday morning:
Another pick that I like, Nicks to the Giants. I texted Chubb Rock to let him know it as well.
The Steelers drafted the guy with the best porn name, Ziggy Hood.
Am I excited for Pat White running the Wildcat in Miami next year? Fuck yes I am.
Finally, I’m ok with the Sanchez pick. Even though he doesn’t have that many games under his belt, sometimes you have to make a tough call and go with your gut. There are about 10 teams in the league who don’t have to worry about their QB situation. Two that have no issues what so ever (Indy and New England assuming Brady comes back healthy), two that have Super Bowl rings but drive their fans nuts sometimes (Pittsburgh and the Giants), two where they have a young guy with an impressive rookie year and aren’t looking for someone but I’d like to see it more than one year (Baltimore and Atlanta. You could also put Kansas City in this category if you want), two where the qbs are douches, but can get the job done (San Diego and Chicago) and two where they have veterans but they don’t know for how long (Philly and Arizona). That’s it. If you have someone established at that position, it makes everything else so much easier. And if the J-E-T-S thought Sanchez was one of those guys, you have to go for it, because its not something that comes along every year. The Jets are in a win now mode, with a defense that will be good, so it’s not like they can expect to get a top 10 pick next year.
And more importantly, they didn’t give up too much to go up. It’s always difficult to project how one guy who excels in one system will do in another. These might be three guys who will only work well in Mangini’s system. So I’m not that concerned about that. They didn’t give up a ton of picks to move up, so I’m happy.
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