Quick housekeeping item to get to before we get into some random thoughts. If you noticed, I posted three episodes back to back to back. No, this wasn’t some sudden outburst of creativity. It’s just I’m paranoid posting these at work. I do work on a US government network and who knows what they track. Maybe it’s the alcoholism and the head injuries talking, but I’ll try and avoid posting at work as much as necessary to avoid getting fired over this. As Brock pointed out to me, one benefit of being unemployed is that twenty percent of nothing is still nothing. So in theory, I would not have to pay child support. In actuality, I have a legally binding agreement to pay a set amount every month regardless of my employment status. If I miss a month, I have to pay it back eventually. There’s even a law against someone just not working so they don’t have to pay child support. I’m glad Texas went ahead and legislated out spite. The only good thing that would come from this is that I’d get a better nickname than Mr Twenty Percent. Since my income is the denominator and would be zero, I could become Mr Indivisible. That’s pretty bad ass. I could get t-shirts made up for that. Ok, enough with the math jokes.
I was going to do something about the NBA playoffs, but with Garnett going out, the next month and a half has turned into a countdown to Cavs-Lakers. I’m trying to not jinx it in anyway because I can’t recall anything I’ve looked forward to more in my life than a Kobe-Lebron matchup in the Finals, with the possible exception of Christmas from 1987-1990. The equivalent to this in my mind is that you’re in high school, and your girlfriend tells you, “I want to have sex with you.” Which is great because you’ve been waiting to lose your v card. But then she keeps talking and says, “…after the prom.” So now you know you’re going to get what you’ve always wanted but have to wait for it. If either the Cavs or the Lakers don’t’ make it to the Finals, it would be the equivalent of prom night falling during that time of the month. You’re still getting a hand job or maybe even a bj, which are ok, but it’s not what you were hoping for. I’d still watch the Finals, but not with the enthusiasm of a 5 year old. And just because you were wondering, Chris Paul or D Wade getting to the Finals would be the bj. Anyone else would be the handjob. (Note: This is just a theory of mine since I never actually had an experience like the one above. In fact, losing my virginity was probably the least predictable thing you can imagine, and my prom night ended up with me arguing with the limo driver over the cost. So take that above analogy with a grain of salt.)
Went to the strip club last night, for no good reason. I guess because my Friday night consisted of getting blitzed off of cheap bourbon and watching Patton documentaries on the History Channel, so it’s not like Saturday could be any worse (My favorite general by the way. To paraphrase Bun B, Patton was a “gangsta, G-A-N-G-S-T-A.” Why did I feel you needed to know that? I have no idea. I think it was just to throw out any semblance of clarity in this story). As with most of my trips to strip clubs, I came out of it with questions. Last night’s was, “Why is a black stripper onstage dancing to Nirvana and The Offspring?” There was a decent mixing of ethnicities there so I know that had at least some T Pain in the collection (Strippers: Promoting Racial Harmony Since 1957. If you want to read more about this, please read this month’s article in Esquire about Todd Marinovich, specifically about the Raiders Rookie party. We may have to reevaluate Fred Smoot’s position as the all time great of NFL team building activities). I eventually settled on that Offspring would be acceptable, but not the song she had going, “Come Out and Play.” I would applaud a stripper who danced to “Self Esteem” because that would answer a lot of questions about why they were up there. Again, we’re back to the question of strippers understanding the concept of irony which I’ve toggled with since the origin of this blog. To summarize, I have no point at all.
Continuing with that theme, we’ll discuss the main goal in my life, which is to keep my daughter off the pole. Things took a turn for the worse this week when she was in the local newspaper at an Easter egg hunt. That’s not the problem. It’s that she was identified with only one name (Have you ever heard of a stripper with a last name?). Everyone else in the picture had a last name, but she just had her first. I’m assuming this was because the editor had space constraints and my daughter’s hyphenated name is a cluster, but I’ll have to stamp out this one name crap before it starts. If highly doubt Madonna’s father sleeps well at night. Also, in a characteristic that she got from her father, they misspelled her name in the paper. My last name got butchered a few times in the local paper which is surprising because it’s not that hard. (One time they did get it right was when Newsday asked me if me and a teammate had a nickname, like Thunder and Lightening (this was back when Tiki Barber and Ron Dayne were sharing carries with the Giants, so this made more sense at the time). In one of the most regrettable moments of my life, our coach quickly replied, “No nicknames”. I would have given 10 years off my life in order to say me and Zo went by, “Black Hammer/White Lightening”. Then when one of us got hurt, we could say it was because of a stunt we did filming the movie. The only real downside is that my life would have topped out at 18 because I’m wouldn’t have been able to top that. Oh, and all of Long Island would have bulletin board material when they played us if they didn’t get the Major League 2 reference. And yet, I digress)
Another thing to note was that when I went online to see the paper I had to pay $1.25 to read it, which I did. I was kind of pissed at first, but after thinking about it, I realized that this little 15 page local podunk paper has a better business model than the New York Times or any other major newspaper. So maybe that’s why newspapers are failing all across the country. And if you think one of the reasons I put that little note in is to take a shot at the Times, you know me too well.
Another thing I have in common with my daughter? Drinking Pedialyte. Actually I don’t think she drinks it because she hasn’t been sick lately. But I have three empty bottles laying around as I write this. Pedialyte: When you’re so hungover, Gatorade just isn’t enough. I was kind of upset that J Man isn’t going to medical school to actually practice medicine. I was looking forward to access to all those IV bags. Imagine before you pass out, you hook yourself up to one of those things (Well, maybe not you since your pissy drunk and that seems like it could lead to a lot of problems. Having someone do it for you would be the best way of doing things) and you wake up in the morning feeling like a million bucks. If I were rich, these are the things I would do. Plus, when someone says, “You’re wasting thousands of dollars of interferon,” I could respond with, “Well you’re interferon with our fun.” There really is on better comeback line than that with the exception of “You play ball like a girl.”
You’ll thank me one day when writing these things leads to the easiest intervention in history. All you’ll have to do is copy and paste things from here. I’d prefer it that way, because I’ve seen interventions on A&E and there are way too many feelings being thrown around. That part worries me. Much easier to just copy and paste things.
I think that’s it. I’ve done enough meandering around an actual point for today. No need to waste anymore of your time than I already have.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Gear Grinding
The first question I usually get is, “Barney, what’s grinding your gears?” Actually that’s a lie. The first question I usually get every morning is either, “Are you still drunk from last night?” or “What time did you leave the office last night?” But somewhere between question 73 and 87, they’ll get to the gear grinding part. So the question is, “Barney, what’s grinding your gears?” (If you haven’t gotten it already, this is a blatant rip off of a Family Guy bit. What can I say, it’s an easy episode.)
Well Stan, I’ll tell you what’s grinding my gears: Tourists. They’re everywhere these days. DC has entered its “tourist season” so that means I’m surrounded by small town yokels who don’t know how to navigate the very difficult invention known as a subway. It’s only been around for 100 years so I can understand. One of the best practices in riding a train is to put enough money on your card before you get on. I know, I know, difficult concept. The alternative is not being allowed to exit and having 5 people ram into you.
Another thing tourists love to do is to travel during rush hour. Why someone would want to get up at 6 am when they’re on vacation is beyond me, but tourists love this. They’re just so excited to get to the museums that don’t open until 9 that they can’t sleep. Hence, they clog rush hour trains, can’t figure out if this is their stop or not, and worst of all, since they travel in packs, have loud conversations on the train. Listen buddy, if I wanted to hear how your fishing buddy from Podunk, Nebraska is getting married next month, I would have asked. I just want to sit hear in peace and read my newspaper. Just shut the fuck up and marvel at this new fangled technology that hasn’t reached the Midwest yet.
The other thing I don’t understand is what the big deal is about the Cherry Blossom Festival. It’s just a bunch of trees. That’s it. And yet, the National Mall is packed to capacity this time of year for people looking at pink trees. The only sane reason I could see attending this is to laugh at all the pussy whipped boyfriends who had to attend. Matter of fact, that sounds like a good idea. Guess who’s bringing a keg, a fold out chair and a megaphone to the Mall this weekend?
Finally, if you’re going to buy food in downtown DC, walk into the place with half a fucking clue what you want to eat. I’m a busy person who needs to get his food and coffee and get back to work. Don’t sit there at a buffet and ask to measure out your food before you pay. It’s $5.29 a pound for a reason pal. Either pay it or don’t. There’s an exotic hot dog vendor around the corner if you want to negotiate.
So please, for all of you potential Washington DC visitors, follow these simple rules and we’ll be fine.
Signed,
A DC Metro resident for 4 years who only gone to one museum/historical place in his entire time here and that was because he went to the Air and Space Museum for 5 minutes because he wanted to disprove the person who said there’s no air in space. Oh, and also, he wanted to try astronaut food again. Freeze dried Neapolitan ice cream…delicious.
Well Stan, I’ll tell you what’s grinding my gears: Tourists. They’re everywhere these days. DC has entered its “tourist season” so that means I’m surrounded by small town yokels who don’t know how to navigate the very difficult invention known as a subway. It’s only been around for 100 years so I can understand. One of the best practices in riding a train is to put enough money on your card before you get on. I know, I know, difficult concept. The alternative is not being allowed to exit and having 5 people ram into you.
Another thing tourists love to do is to travel during rush hour. Why someone would want to get up at 6 am when they’re on vacation is beyond me, but tourists love this. They’re just so excited to get to the museums that don’t open until 9 that they can’t sleep. Hence, they clog rush hour trains, can’t figure out if this is their stop or not, and worst of all, since they travel in packs, have loud conversations on the train. Listen buddy, if I wanted to hear how your fishing buddy from Podunk, Nebraska is getting married next month, I would have asked. I just want to sit hear in peace and read my newspaper. Just shut the fuck up and marvel at this new fangled technology that hasn’t reached the Midwest yet.
The other thing I don’t understand is what the big deal is about the Cherry Blossom Festival. It’s just a bunch of trees. That’s it. And yet, the National Mall is packed to capacity this time of year for people looking at pink trees. The only sane reason I could see attending this is to laugh at all the pussy whipped boyfriends who had to attend. Matter of fact, that sounds like a good idea. Guess who’s bringing a keg, a fold out chair and a megaphone to the Mall this weekend?
Finally, if you’re going to buy food in downtown DC, walk into the place with half a fucking clue what you want to eat. I’m a busy person who needs to get his food and coffee and get back to work. Don’t sit there at a buffet and ask to measure out your food before you pay. It’s $5.29 a pound for a reason pal. Either pay it or don’t. There’s an exotic hot dog vendor around the corner if you want to negotiate.
So please, for all of you potential Washington DC visitors, follow these simple rules and we’ll be fine.
Signed,
A DC Metro resident for 4 years who only gone to one museum/historical place in his entire time here and that was because he went to the Air and Space Museum for 5 minutes because he wanted to disprove the person who said there’s no air in space. Oh, and also, he wanted to try astronaut food again. Freeze dried Neapolitan ice cream…delicious.
Top 7 - Another Isiah Edition
It’s often be said, “If you love something, let it go. If it returns, it was meant to be. If not, it was never yours” (or something like that. I’m fairly certain I’m paraphrasing DMX here. Nothing like waxing philosophically about It’s Dark and Hell is Hot). A year ago, we let the Isiah Thomas era go. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s back. So it was destined that Isiah coaching be a part of our lives forever. At least I hope so. Or until he overdoses on sleeping pills again. Let’s just get into the Top 7 reasons its good to have Isiah back coaching, this time, at Florida International.
7. He should make it a policy to pick up all recruits making campus visits using Starbury’s truck. Which recruit in the nation would turn down FIU after having a truck party? This would even be better than meeting the “assistant coaches” at Tech U. It’s the same thing, except on wheels. And everything’s cooler when you’re going 60 MPH.
6. Just the very thought of Isiah recruiting is hilarious. Can you imagine him walking into some recruits home and going to their parents, “Mr. and Mrs. Jones, your son would make an excellent addition to our fine institution. I think I’m the right person to make your boy into a man. I have a proven track record: My $10 M sexual harassment suit. Losing more than $150 M in four years. Making a basketball team worse every year. These are the attributes you look for in a leader.” How can any parent takes this kid seriously? Any parent who signs off on their son playing for him isn’t going to be winning any parent of the year awards, let’s just say that.
5. As a college coach, Isiah will have more authority over his players. Hence, they’ll be watching Love & Basketball on all bus trips.
4. If I’m Obama, I think I missed the point with yesterday’s speech on the economy. If I were his advisor, I would have advised him to do the following: “The economy is already rebounding. Why just today, Isiah Thomas got a job. I’m not going to repeat his track record, but it will be listed on the White House’s website for reference. If a man like that can be gainfully employed, our economy has to be coming back. If all our employers followed FIU’s lead in not even looking at resumes or past performance, our unemployment rate would be a lot less than 8%.”
3. You know how some college coaches are required to actually teach? Florida International cannot pass this opportunity up. Women’s Studies? Covered. Finance 101? Who better to teach then Isiah? Lecture to the sociology department of the subtleties of the word ‘bitch’ between whites and blacks? Schedule that conference and start sending out flyers. Entrepreneurship? The only question is if Lawrence Moten is still alive to tell about his experience in the CBA. If you’re going to run your basketball program into the ground, why not run your whole university.
2. For the first Sun Belt coach that says, “If Isiah Thomas were white, he’d be just another coach.”
1. The mere possibility of a Central Florida – Florida International matchup. I have to be the only person in America excited about this. Why? Who was CFU’s most talked about recruit this year? That’s right, Jordan’s kid. If you think Jordan wouldn’t want his kid to drop 40 on Isiah’s team, you don’t know the vindictiveness of MJ. And yes, I know this would be a revival of an early 90s rivalry via a proxy battle amongst 18-22 year olds, I don’t care. I want to see FIU walk off the court with time remaining. I’m hoping MJ’s kid refuses to be on the all conference team if Isiah is the coach.
There’s probably something I’m leaving out. Leave em in the comments.
7. He should make it a policy to pick up all recruits making campus visits using Starbury’s truck. Which recruit in the nation would turn down FIU after having a truck party? This would even be better than meeting the “assistant coaches” at Tech U. It’s the same thing, except on wheels. And everything’s cooler when you’re going 60 MPH.
6. Just the very thought of Isiah recruiting is hilarious. Can you imagine him walking into some recruits home and going to their parents, “Mr. and Mrs. Jones, your son would make an excellent addition to our fine institution. I think I’m the right person to make your boy into a man. I have a proven track record: My $10 M sexual harassment suit. Losing more than $150 M in four years. Making a basketball team worse every year. These are the attributes you look for in a leader.” How can any parent takes this kid seriously? Any parent who signs off on their son playing for him isn’t going to be winning any parent of the year awards, let’s just say that.
5. As a college coach, Isiah will have more authority over his players. Hence, they’ll be watching Love & Basketball on all bus trips.
4. If I’m Obama, I think I missed the point with yesterday’s speech on the economy. If I were his advisor, I would have advised him to do the following: “The economy is already rebounding. Why just today, Isiah Thomas got a job. I’m not going to repeat his track record, but it will be listed on the White House’s website for reference. If a man like that can be gainfully employed, our economy has to be coming back. If all our employers followed FIU’s lead in not even looking at resumes or past performance, our unemployment rate would be a lot less than 8%.”
3. You know how some college coaches are required to actually teach? Florida International cannot pass this opportunity up. Women’s Studies? Covered. Finance 101? Who better to teach then Isiah? Lecture to the sociology department of the subtleties of the word ‘bitch’ between whites and blacks? Schedule that conference and start sending out flyers. Entrepreneurship? The only question is if Lawrence Moten is still alive to tell about his experience in the CBA. If you’re going to run your basketball program into the ground, why not run your whole university.
2. For the first Sun Belt coach that says, “If Isiah Thomas were white, he’d be just another coach.”
1. The mere possibility of a Central Florida – Florida International matchup. I have to be the only person in America excited about this. Why? Who was CFU’s most talked about recruit this year? That’s right, Jordan’s kid. If you think Jordan wouldn’t want his kid to drop 40 on Isiah’s team, you don’t know the vindictiveness of MJ. And yes, I know this would be a revival of an early 90s rivalry via a proxy battle amongst 18-22 year olds, I don’t care. I want to see FIU walk off the court with time remaining. I’m hoping MJ’s kid refuses to be on the all conference team if Isiah is the coach.
There’s probably something I’m leaving out. Leave em in the comments.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
NBA Player Reps
You know, I was going to write something about the game last night, but I really have nothing much to add besides the fact that North Carolina played about as well as you can play a game of college basketball in the first half (with the exception of Bobby Frasor, who was gawd awful.) So with that, I’m going to go with something I know I can talk about. I was in the supermarket the other day, as I normally do walking by the magazine rack. I saw Melo was on the cover of The Source, so I decided to check it out. Inside the had an advertisement for the NBA Player reps by team, with their lead and back up or whatever they call it (they don’t distinguish it on this website):
http://www.nbpa.com/player_reps.php
It was then that I realized the players do not stand a chance against ownership if there is a lockout down the road. First, do you see who represents the Clippers. Ricky Davis is their player representative. After thinking about this a little, it’s not the worst selection in the world. If there is a lockout, Ricky could be taking Mark Cuban out to Scores and other New York clubs every night and have him walking into meetings reeking of tequila. A drunk Mark Cuban might put a kink into the owner’s plans. Then I saw the Rocket’s representative. Ron fucking Artest is their player rep with Shane Battier as the back up. I for one would like to know the thought process that the Rockets went through to make that decision. As the biggest Ron Artest defender alive it boggles my mind. So in the event of labor issues, the Rockets chose someone who started the biggest riot in league history, contemplated taking a leave of absence during the season to promote his rap album in which he claimed to smoke weed during halftime, and once thought mushrooms growing in his backyard were “giant snake eggs” over the Duke graduate with a bachelor’s of religion, who uses the word ‘archaic’ easily in sentences and is from Detroit which has a very strong pro-union background. Just want to make sure I have that right. What was the key issue? Ron Ron’s employment application to Circuit City his rookie year in Chicago so he could get the employee discount? You know what, I’m rooting for a lockout just to hear the stories that come from Ricky Davis, Ron Ron and Captain Stephen Jackson after 12 hours of non stop negotiating. And I for damn sure hoping someone tries to go Charles Oakley during the last lockout on Artest or Jackson because having the players association dissolve after a 50 person brawl at the Four Seasons. I have no idea how I would react to that. Nothing will top that. I might just say, you know what, the NBA is not topping that.
And just to redeem Ron Ron.
http://thebiglead.com/?p=12834
http://www.nbpa.com/player_reps.php
It was then that I realized the players do not stand a chance against ownership if there is a lockout down the road. First, do you see who represents the Clippers. Ricky Davis is their player representative. After thinking about this a little, it’s not the worst selection in the world. If there is a lockout, Ricky could be taking Mark Cuban out to Scores and other New York clubs every night and have him walking into meetings reeking of tequila. A drunk Mark Cuban might put a kink into the owner’s plans. Then I saw the Rocket’s representative. Ron fucking Artest is their player rep with Shane Battier as the back up. I for one would like to know the thought process that the Rockets went through to make that decision. As the biggest Ron Artest defender alive it boggles my mind. So in the event of labor issues, the Rockets chose someone who started the biggest riot in league history, contemplated taking a leave of absence during the season to promote his rap album in which he claimed to smoke weed during halftime, and once thought mushrooms growing in his backyard were “giant snake eggs” over the Duke graduate with a bachelor’s of religion, who uses the word ‘archaic’ easily in sentences and is from Detroit which has a very strong pro-union background. Just want to make sure I have that right. What was the key issue? Ron Ron’s employment application to Circuit City his rookie year in Chicago so he could get the employee discount? You know what, I’m rooting for a lockout just to hear the stories that come from Ricky Davis, Ron Ron and Captain Stephen Jackson after 12 hours of non stop negotiating. And I for damn sure hoping someone tries to go Charles Oakley during the last lockout on Artest or Jackson because having the players association dissolve after a 50 person brawl at the Four Seasons. I have no idea how I would react to that. Nothing will top that. I might just say, you know what, the NBA is not topping that.
And just to redeem Ron Ron.
http://thebiglead.com/?p=12834
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Every Time I Think I'm Out
Since my life was gaining some sort of normal pattern and I was gaining a semblance of a social life, I went and did what I usually do in this situation. Fucked it up. That’s right, I got staffed back at my old position. You remember. Where 12 hour days were the norm. You look up and realize its 3:30 and all you’ve had to eat for the day was 2 cups of coffee and a scone from Starbucks. That one. It took all of 5 months for them to fuck up what it took years for me to fix (Actually, let me rephrase that. The project was a disaster to begin with. I’ve seen more thought out plans from crackheads. My job was to keep the whole thing from falling apart, which I did with duct tape, a screwdriver, 3 rubber bands and a box of envelopes. So the fact that it did collapse entirely once I left was something I told them would happen. And yet, I digress). I took the job mostly because if it wasn’t me doing the job, then I would have to be answering their questions anyway for most of my day. So if I’m going to do most of the work, I might as well get credit for it. So now I’m back putting in 60-70 hour weeks so that’s the reason for the lack of episodes. No time, and nothing interesting happening.
My one piece of advice for you career wise: Always follow up someone who’s a fuck up. People are really glad to see you, even if you show the slightest effort. I’ve never been told I’m so glad to see you ever in my life. And probably for the rest of my life I never will either (not surprising if you read the rest of the episodes here).
My one piece of advice for you career wise: Always follow up someone who’s a fuck up. People are really glad to see you, even if you show the slightest effort. I’ve never been told I’m so glad to see you ever in my life. And probably for the rest of my life I never will either (not surprising if you read the rest of the episodes here).
Double Down Trent and Frank Costello Would Like to Retort to Your Accusations About Me on Friday Night
Judge: Would the defense please present its closing arguments.
Double Down: (Standing up on a seat) Ok, fine, I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole. Can anyone tell me where the high school girls hang out? (Gets down from table).
Frank: In this country, when you invite someone back to your apartment for an “after party”, it’s generally not so you can play a game of scrabble. In this country, when it’s 3 AM, we’re both piss drunk and you ask for a hug, it usually means you want something more than a hug. IN THIS COUNTRY, if you look right at someone in this situation, it means you want to kiss. You huggie. Me lovey long time. That’s how it works. What you do not do, is kiss me and then run to your room and shut the door and act surprised that something happened. John Lennon once said, “I’m an artist. If you give me a fucking tuba, I’ll make something out of it.” Do you understand what I’m saying?
Double Down: (Gets back on table) I’m so money and I don’t even know it? But fine, I’m the asshole. I’d rather hang out with high school girls anyway. We rest our case.
(Barney’s Note: I think in the last six months I’ve pretty much pissed everyone off at some point while being pissy drunk. We’re at the point where I would not be surprised at all if A&E asked me to be in one of their reality shows. I’ve done a lot of shit, but I’m not going to feel bad for trying to get some in that situation. I’d like to thanks my crack defense team of Double Down and Frank. You’re about 200 times better than Ookie’s defense team. And when you get a response from where those high school girls are at, Brock would really like to know.)
(Follow Up Note: No, she wasn’t Asian. But after reading this again, it would have been 20 times funnier if she was. Also no to? I did not leave a ridiculous voicemail immediately upon getting home.)
(Follow, Follow Up Note: My favorite part about this being a trial is that my entire defense would be on that it would all hinge on convincing the jury that there is no way in hell I would ever say, “I want a hug” to anyone, and that I’m the least touchy feely person I know. The best part would be getting my baby moms under oath and asking her, “Is it true that you once referred to Mr. Barney as emotionally constipated?” And when she answers yes, Double Down could yell out, “I rest my case.”)
Double Down: (Standing up on a seat) Ok, fine, I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole. Can anyone tell me where the high school girls hang out? (Gets down from table).
Frank: In this country, when you invite someone back to your apartment for an “after party”, it’s generally not so you can play a game of scrabble. In this country, when it’s 3 AM, we’re both piss drunk and you ask for a hug, it usually means you want something more than a hug. IN THIS COUNTRY, if you look right at someone in this situation, it means you want to kiss. You huggie. Me lovey long time. That’s how it works. What you do not do, is kiss me and then run to your room and shut the door and act surprised that something happened. John Lennon once said, “I’m an artist. If you give me a fucking tuba, I’ll make something out of it.” Do you understand what I’m saying?
Double Down: (Gets back on table) I’m so money and I don’t even know it? But fine, I’m the asshole. I’d rather hang out with high school girls anyway. We rest our case.
(Barney’s Note: I think in the last six months I’ve pretty much pissed everyone off at some point while being pissy drunk. We’re at the point where I would not be surprised at all if A&E asked me to be in one of their reality shows. I’ve done a lot of shit, but I’m not going to feel bad for trying to get some in that situation. I’d like to thanks my crack defense team of Double Down and Frank. You’re about 200 times better than Ookie’s defense team. And when you get a response from where those high school girls are at, Brock would really like to know.)
(Follow Up Note: No, she wasn’t Asian. But after reading this again, it would have been 20 times funnier if she was. Also no to? I did not leave a ridiculous voicemail immediately upon getting home.)
(Follow, Follow Up Note: My favorite part about this being a trial is that my entire defense would be on that it would all hinge on convincing the jury that there is no way in hell I would ever say, “I want a hug” to anyone, and that I’m the least touchy feely person I know. The best part would be getting my baby moms under oath and asking her, “Is it true that you once referred to Mr. Barney as emotionally constipated?” And when she answers yes, Double Down could yell out, “I rest my case.”)
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