Thursday, January 29, 2009
I'm glad someone from the U is in the Super Bowl
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Tuesday, January 27, 2009
More Fun with Psychoanalysis!!!
So we once again go into the demented mind of my dreams. The other night I had a dream where I was in the audience for a new game show. I don’t remember what the name of it was, but it was a quiz show. The only difference is that there’s a water cannon behind the announcer and if you get a question wrong, you have 30 gallons of water shot at your face. So it’s like Double Dare for adults. Anyway, I was privileged to see the family edition of this show. And guess who the first family on was? If you guessed the Mannings, you know me too well. One of the rules was that once you were asked a question, it remained your turn until you got one right. Of course, Eli was first and he couldn’t get any of them right. He just kept going “Umm…ummm…” until he got blasted with water. Then the process repeated itself. Eventually Peyton kept getting more and more frustrated. He started making comments like, “What the heck Eli? You need to step your game up,” which eventually progressed to, “Jesus Christ. If we wanted to bring a retard on we would have asked Cooper to join us.” And Eli just sat there with that look after he throws an interception, except he was dripping wet.
Finally, as a corporate tie in, Oreo promoted a lightening round. So now when Eli got a question wrong, he had to lick a double stuff as fast as possible before being bombarded with milk shot out of a cannon. They even had the Williams sisters via satellite laughing at him.
And that’s when I woke up. Yes, this was an actual dream. No, I don’t know what’s up with my subconscious. Yes, I do find my subconscious hilarious because there is no way I could have made this up on my own.
Finally, as a corporate tie in, Oreo promoted a lightening round. So now when Eli got a question wrong, he had to lick a double stuff as fast as possible before being bombarded with milk shot out of a cannon. They even had the Williams sisters via satellite laughing at him.
And that’s when I woke up. Yes, this was an actual dream. No, I don’t know what’s up with my subconscious. Yes, I do find my subconscious hilarious because there is no way I could have made this up on my own.
Notorious
Well, I guess if there’s anything I am knowledgeable about to have a decent opinion on, it would be the bio-pic of Biggie (not that’s its stopped me in the past, or will in the future). Since it’s a given that I will purchase anything that includes something new about Biggie (hence why I purchased the soundtrack to this, for three songs off his demo tape), and that he didn’t document stuff in a Pac-like fashion so that a trove of post-humanous material could be released, I’ve pretty much gotten as much as you can get about the life of Christopher Wallace (at least as much as is possible for a white guy living in the suburbs).
Before we get to what I liked and disliked about the movie, let’s first talk about everything that happened before it started. I initially wanted to see this movie last weekend but a few things came up, so I didn’t see it until the 2nd weekend it was out (which wasn’t a bad thing, considering people got stabbed at the openings in NYC). So I ended up seeing a Saturday afternoon show. I walked in and was the only white person in the theater, so this was fun. Luckily a white girl showed up 2 minutes in so I wasn’t the least ghetto person in the place. To make sure of this, she wore Uggs to this movie. Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn this wasn’t. I also noted that it had a 12:15 start time, but the previews didn’t start until 12:20. A tip of the hat goes out to AMC Theaters for knowing their target audience, and starting the show late to factor in for CP time. So before the show even started, I was pretty entertained. Then, they had the trailer for this movie previewed:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1198138/
Let me say that I was highly entertained by a preview of a movie about a black man getting in trouble for getting with a white girl. If I was still in college, I would purchase this DVD and have it running on a continuous loop for Floyd Banks and O. And I would laugh for 2 hours straight. Also, am I supposed to feel sorry for this guy? Oh no, my marriage to Beyonce is going down the drain because Ali Larter wants to sleep with me. These aren’t problems I have too much sympathy for.
Alright, onto the movie itself. And you wonder why Roger Ebert doesn’t go into 400 word intros. I found it entertaining as a whole. I did however, feel that it didn’t go into the detail I would have liked and found a lot of parts just glossed over and given a few minutes on screen. The 100 running minutes was way too short for me, but I understand that Fox probably isn’t catering to the person who is looking for more details (a lot of which were handled extremely well, discussed later on). The masses aren’t looking for 30 minutes to be spent on the in depth making of Ready to Die. From an overall plot perspective, it pretty much was a 2 hour VH1 show (Side note because I wouldn’t want this to have any semblance of cohesion. When I was working at the Rec back in 2002, the VH1 Behind the Music for Biggie came out. My main man Rocket had this comment to say: “I saw the Behind the Music last night. I didn’t know The Notorious B.I.G. died,” and I couldn’t tell if he was being facetious or not. For some reason, this absolutely killed me. I’m cracking up as I’m writing this. You’re not getting it? Ok, fine. Maybe you just don’t appreciate the comedic genius that was Rocket.)
Two things I think we’re done very well. First was the casting. Not that I believed it was Big on screen, but the one they did get was as close as you’re going to get. He did pull it off as well as it can be done. Lil Kim and Faith Evans were good enough that there was no difference in my mind between the actresses and the real people. So that was good. The other thing that I really liked was the small details that showed they had done their homework on Biggie. For example, Big did want Machine Gun Funk to be his first single, he was actually banging girls in the studio before rhyming “Chickenheads be clucking in my bathroom fucking” and he was in a piece of shit rental when he got into the accident.
Things I didn’t like? As mentioned before, I thought it was too short and some things were glossed over (His relationship with Kim for example. Also, why he not doing his verse of Get Money during the Junior Mafia concert?). Also, there should have been a warning before any sex scene involving him. I would have also liked to have seen some more on how he went about writing his rhymes. I’m sorry, but having a high as hell Lil’ Cease insinuate that he may or may not be writing stuff down isn’t good enough. That should have been covered a lot more.
Finally, the most important question, did I cry at the end of the movie? The answer is no, there were no tears, but my eyes did water up when Hypnotize came on during his funeral procession. There, I said it. Let’s not talk about this again.
Overall, a good movie that didn’t do anything to disappoint, which I was afraid of. And now for my obligatory comparison that requires me to compare this movie to his albums. It’s not Ready to Die, but it’s not the train wreck that was the Duets album.
Before we get to what I liked and disliked about the movie, let’s first talk about everything that happened before it started. I initially wanted to see this movie last weekend but a few things came up, so I didn’t see it until the 2nd weekend it was out (which wasn’t a bad thing, considering people got stabbed at the openings in NYC). So I ended up seeing a Saturday afternoon show. I walked in and was the only white person in the theater, so this was fun. Luckily a white girl showed up 2 minutes in so I wasn’t the least ghetto person in the place. To make sure of this, she wore Uggs to this movie. Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn this wasn’t. I also noted that it had a 12:15 start time, but the previews didn’t start until 12:20. A tip of the hat goes out to AMC Theaters for knowing their target audience, and starting the show late to factor in for CP time. So before the show even started, I was pretty entertained. Then, they had the trailer for this movie previewed:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1198138/
Let me say that I was highly entertained by a preview of a movie about a black man getting in trouble for getting with a white girl. If I was still in college, I would purchase this DVD and have it running on a continuous loop for Floyd Banks and O. And I would laugh for 2 hours straight. Also, am I supposed to feel sorry for this guy? Oh no, my marriage to Beyonce is going down the drain because Ali Larter wants to sleep with me. These aren’t problems I have too much sympathy for.
Alright, onto the movie itself. And you wonder why Roger Ebert doesn’t go into 400 word intros. I found it entertaining as a whole. I did however, feel that it didn’t go into the detail I would have liked and found a lot of parts just glossed over and given a few minutes on screen. The 100 running minutes was way too short for me, but I understand that Fox probably isn’t catering to the person who is looking for more details (a lot of which were handled extremely well, discussed later on). The masses aren’t looking for 30 minutes to be spent on the in depth making of Ready to Die. From an overall plot perspective, it pretty much was a 2 hour VH1 show (Side note because I wouldn’t want this to have any semblance of cohesion. When I was working at the Rec back in 2002, the VH1 Behind the Music for Biggie came out. My main man Rocket had this comment to say: “I saw the Behind the Music last night. I didn’t know The Notorious B.I.G. died,” and I couldn’t tell if he was being facetious or not. For some reason, this absolutely killed me. I’m cracking up as I’m writing this. You’re not getting it? Ok, fine. Maybe you just don’t appreciate the comedic genius that was Rocket.)
Two things I think we’re done very well. First was the casting. Not that I believed it was Big on screen, but the one they did get was as close as you’re going to get. He did pull it off as well as it can be done. Lil Kim and Faith Evans were good enough that there was no difference in my mind between the actresses and the real people. So that was good. The other thing that I really liked was the small details that showed they had done their homework on Biggie. For example, Big did want Machine Gun Funk to be his first single, he was actually banging girls in the studio before rhyming “Chickenheads be clucking in my bathroom fucking” and he was in a piece of shit rental when he got into the accident.
Things I didn’t like? As mentioned before, I thought it was too short and some things were glossed over (His relationship with Kim for example. Also, why he not doing his verse of Get Money during the Junior Mafia concert?). Also, there should have been a warning before any sex scene involving him. I would have also liked to have seen some more on how he went about writing his rhymes. I’m sorry, but having a high as hell Lil’ Cease insinuate that he may or may not be writing stuff down isn’t good enough. That should have been covered a lot more.
Finally, the most important question, did I cry at the end of the movie? The answer is no, there were no tears, but my eyes did water up when Hypnotize came on during his funeral procession. There, I said it. Let’s not talk about this again.
Overall, a good movie that didn’t do anything to disappoint, which I was afraid of. And now for my obligatory comparison that requires me to compare this movie to his albums. It’s not Ready to Die, but it’s not the train wreck that was the Duets album.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Uh Oh
Yup, we’re one week away from what could be considered my worst nightmare…Philly vs. Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl. I don’t think I’m mentally prepared to deal with those two fan bases for two full weeks. And that ensures that at least one of them will be champs. If Philly wins the World Series and Super Bowl back to back I’m heading into a bunker for six months.
On the plus side, we would have Andy Reid doing interviews with a five week beard going. That should be fun. And hopefully some retrospectives of McNabb puking.
I wanted to write this last week, but I’m on the Arizona bandwagon for the sole reason that after Rolle scored that touchdown after the Turner fumble, he did the Dirty Bird after scoring. New rules: Anyone would does a tribute to 1998 dances gets my support.
Well, the alternative Super Bowl matchup isn’t much better. Ray Lewis’s God Squad versus Kurt Warner’s God Squad. Maybe if we’re lucky, both games will end in a tie and Donavan McNabb will be totally redeemed. But at least its not the nuclear option of Colts vs. Giants. A Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl would cause me to commit at least one homicide (Can you tell I’m a half empty glass type of person? Did the fact that I’m only focusing on bad Super Bowl matchups give that away?).
It’s ok to make Eli jokes now, right? Ok, good, just checking. Here we go. On the plus side, Eli won’t be distracted for next week’s epic showdown with the Williams sisters in their Oreo Racer matchup. Man, does it feel good to make a good Eli joke. I’d been holding off since he proved to be clutch in a playoff game last year. Now, I think it’s back to open season on the Mannings. They’re like the Arizona Wildcats of the NFL. They both had their Miles Simon run in them, and now they’re Lute Olsen getting upset way to early again (and yes, I’m trying to make as many 1998 references as possible in this).
I think I can state this definitively: The Ravens are the only team to ever go to the Conference Championships in my lifetime while having white kickoff and punt returners. See, that’s the type of in depth analysis you only get here on the Barney Show.
Alright, work time. Pray for me in the town that is being turned into Pittsburgh Southeast for the foreseeable future.
On the plus side, we would have Andy Reid doing interviews with a five week beard going. That should be fun. And hopefully some retrospectives of McNabb puking.
I wanted to write this last week, but I’m on the Arizona bandwagon for the sole reason that after Rolle scored that touchdown after the Turner fumble, he did the Dirty Bird after scoring. New rules: Anyone would does a tribute to 1998 dances gets my support.
Well, the alternative Super Bowl matchup isn’t much better. Ray Lewis’s God Squad versus Kurt Warner’s God Squad. Maybe if we’re lucky, both games will end in a tie and Donavan McNabb will be totally redeemed. But at least its not the nuclear option of Colts vs. Giants. A Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl would cause me to commit at least one homicide (Can you tell I’m a half empty glass type of person? Did the fact that I’m only focusing on bad Super Bowl matchups give that away?).
It’s ok to make Eli jokes now, right? Ok, good, just checking. Here we go. On the plus side, Eli won’t be distracted for next week’s epic showdown with the Williams sisters in their Oreo Racer matchup. Man, does it feel good to make a good Eli joke. I’d been holding off since he proved to be clutch in a playoff game last year. Now, I think it’s back to open season on the Mannings. They’re like the Arizona Wildcats of the NFL. They both had their Miles Simon run in them, and now they’re Lute Olsen getting upset way to early again (and yes, I’m trying to make as many 1998 references as possible in this).
I think I can state this definitively: The Ravens are the only team to ever go to the Conference Championships in my lifetime while having white kickoff and punt returners. See, that’s the type of in depth analysis you only get here on the Barney Show.
Alright, work time. Pray for me in the town that is being turned into Pittsburgh Southeast for the foreseeable future.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
OTL: Pacman Jones
After Arizona went up 27-7 at the half last night, I started focusing on the next big NFL event. Not the Philly-Giants game. Before that, it’s the Outside the Lines Pacman Jones shooting episode. Any 30 minute show that ends up with someone cut, I’m there. Also, when a player who’s been suspended multiple times in his four year career is trying to salvage it by talking to Stephen A. Smith, I don’t ask for much, but that just puts it over the top. Since I’ve been designated as somewhat of a Pacman Jones-aholic and may need professional help, I figured I was the best person to document this. SportsCenter is just wrapping up, so let’s get this started.
9:00: Bob Ley put a little emphasis on “another” in “another strip club shooting.” C’mon Bob, who hasn’t been involved in an altercation, like that? People who adore women who wear clear heels shouldn’t throw rocks.
9:02: Of course it was an Atlanta strip club. If you’re wondering, the strip club is called “Blaze.” It’s right next to the “Black Kat”.
9:03: Surveillance of Pacman going into the club. Also, the witness is wearing a Vince Young jersey. I think that speaks for his intelligence.
9:04: First shot of Pacman with his Pacman chain, which is the second best chain in the league outside of KOOOOOOOOOOL-AID.
9:05: “That’s when he put his hands down his pants and said, ‘I’ll kill all of y’all.’”
9:07: Bullet holes and the allegation that Pacman was involved in it. Pacman got involved in the altercation because one of the men was talking to one of his “women.” I’d like some more details on this please.
9:08: Oh boy, we’re going back to Vegas. In court documents, Jones said, “I’m going to fucking kill you. Matter of fact, I’ll kill all of y’all.” That’s like his catch phrase. That’s it, I’m quitting my job and going to start marketing Pacman action figures.
9:09: Lots of legal documents. This isn’t fun. Though one of his co-conspirators is openly questioning the logic behind his statements.
9:10: That’s more like it. One of the guys is nicknamed “Slugga” and is part of the “International Robbing Crew.” Slugga says Jones is his, “Partner.” I’m going to assume he said it like TI does.
9:11: Slugga was apparenty at Club Blaze with Pacman. I’m fairly certain that sentence was not why language was created.
9:13: More people calling Bullshit on Pacman’s statements. I’m eagerly waiting his rebuttal with SAS. Outside the Lines should license the Law & Order sound every time the switch topics. Because this is a genuine crime drama. (Bom-Bom)
9:15: How does OTL get footage of a police interrogation. Either way, Pacman’s name comes up in it.
9:16: Pacman apparently pays $10,000-$20,000 for a hit. Good to know if you ever need some extra spending cash. Even better, this was two days after Jones met with Roger Goddell. Let me repeat that, two days.
9:22: Pacman gets to speak. He “doesn’t want to talk about the past.” He’s joined by his lawyer as well. This isn’t going to be as fun as it could be.
9:23: But SAS is talking about his “obligation”. Jones denies this entire thing entirely. He does say he was at the strip club but hasn’t been to a strip club since then. I call shenanigans on that. (I’m surprise shenanigans shows up in MS Word).
9:25: Pacman calls ESPN “good detectives.” If ESPN are good detectives, Jay Glazer must be Sherlock fucking Holmes.
9:25: Pacman blames his propensity for strip clubs on his drinking problem.
9:26: Woah, Pacman says he’s in AA in Dallas. That caught me off guard. Looks like I have something to do next time I’m in Texas.
9:29: Mort says he’ll be surprised if Jones gets another chance in the NFL.
9:30: And that’s it. We had it all here: Slugga, a catch phrase, a green Dodge Charger, and detecting. Too bad this couldn’t be extended. I’m looking at you HBO Real Sports.
I’ll finish this with something I wrote on Thursday, when I was despondent over the possible loss of the Pacman. Hopefully, this can get us all through these tough times:
So I went home last night, and contemplated what life would be like without Pacman. I was briefly cheered up by this report, of Eli Manning's birthday:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01072009/gossip/pagesix/lap_of_luxury_149049.htm
But that only reminded me of Mr. Jones. You see, while I can laugh at the thought of Elisha being in a strip club, I'm still thinking of a strip club. And they're not the same without Pacman. And then this morning, while in my car, I heard that the reason Pacman got cut was that there was a report of him being involved in a shooting at a strip club while on suspension for another strip club shooting. It was then that I realized Pacman might not be signed by another team, but he'll still be around. In fact, we might get more crazy stories now that he doesn't have to show up to practice and film sessions every day. I see the next year as being a banner year for him. Every few months or so we'll get stories about him getting arrested again. Maybe he'll even go back to wrestling. If there is a God, he'll have his own reality show on VH1. The point is, Pacman's not going anywhere. And even if he does, the Cowboys still have TO, Tank Johnson, and Jerry Jones.
9:00: Bob Ley put a little emphasis on “another” in “another strip club shooting.” C’mon Bob, who hasn’t been involved in an altercation, like that? People who adore women who wear clear heels shouldn’t throw rocks.
9:02: Of course it was an Atlanta strip club. If you’re wondering, the strip club is called “Blaze.” It’s right next to the “Black Kat”.
9:03: Surveillance of Pacman going into the club. Also, the witness is wearing a Vince Young jersey. I think that speaks for his intelligence.
9:04: First shot of Pacman with his Pacman chain, which is the second best chain in the league outside of KOOOOOOOOOOL-AID.
9:05: “That’s when he put his hands down his pants and said, ‘I’ll kill all of y’all.’”
9:07: Bullet holes and the allegation that Pacman was involved in it. Pacman got involved in the altercation because one of the men was talking to one of his “women.” I’d like some more details on this please.
9:08: Oh boy, we’re going back to Vegas. In court documents, Jones said, “I’m going to fucking kill you. Matter of fact, I’ll kill all of y’all.” That’s like his catch phrase. That’s it, I’m quitting my job and going to start marketing Pacman action figures.
9:09: Lots of legal documents. This isn’t fun. Though one of his co-conspirators is openly questioning the logic behind his statements.
9:10: That’s more like it. One of the guys is nicknamed “Slugga” and is part of the “International Robbing Crew.” Slugga says Jones is his, “Partner.” I’m going to assume he said it like TI does.
9:11: Slugga was apparenty at Club Blaze with Pacman. I’m fairly certain that sentence was not why language was created.
9:13: More people calling Bullshit on Pacman’s statements. I’m eagerly waiting his rebuttal with SAS. Outside the Lines should license the Law & Order sound every time the switch topics. Because this is a genuine crime drama. (Bom-Bom)
9:15: How does OTL get footage of a police interrogation. Either way, Pacman’s name comes up in it.
9:16: Pacman apparently pays $10,000-$20,000 for a hit. Good to know if you ever need some extra spending cash. Even better, this was two days after Jones met with Roger Goddell. Let me repeat that, two days.
9:22: Pacman gets to speak. He “doesn’t want to talk about the past.” He’s joined by his lawyer as well. This isn’t going to be as fun as it could be.
9:23: But SAS is talking about his “obligation”. Jones denies this entire thing entirely. He does say he was at the strip club but hasn’t been to a strip club since then. I call shenanigans on that. (I’m surprise shenanigans shows up in MS Word).
9:25: Pacman calls ESPN “good detectives.” If ESPN are good detectives, Jay Glazer must be Sherlock fucking Holmes.
9:25: Pacman blames his propensity for strip clubs on his drinking problem.
9:26: Woah, Pacman says he’s in AA in Dallas. That caught me off guard. Looks like I have something to do next time I’m in Texas.
9:29: Mort says he’ll be surprised if Jones gets another chance in the NFL.
9:30: And that’s it. We had it all here: Slugga, a catch phrase, a green Dodge Charger, and detecting. Too bad this couldn’t be extended. I’m looking at you HBO Real Sports.
I’ll finish this with something I wrote on Thursday, when I was despondent over the possible loss of the Pacman. Hopefully, this can get us all through these tough times:
So I went home last night, and contemplated what life would be like without Pacman. I was briefly cheered up by this report, of Eli Manning's birthday:
http://www.nypost.com/seven/01072009/gossip/pagesix/lap_of_luxury_149049.htm
But that only reminded me of Mr. Jones. You see, while I can laugh at the thought of Elisha being in a strip club, I'm still thinking of a strip club. And they're not the same without Pacman. And then this morning, while in my car, I heard that the reason Pacman got cut was that there was a report of him being involved in a shooting at a strip club while on suspension for another strip club shooting. It was then that I realized Pacman might not be signed by another team, but he'll still be around. In fact, we might get more crazy stories now that he doesn't have to show up to practice and film sessions every day. I see the next year as being a banner year for him. Every few months or so we'll get stories about him getting arrested again. Maybe he'll even go back to wrestling. If there is a God, he'll have his own reality show on VH1. The point is, Pacman's not going anywhere. And even if he does, the Cowboys still have TO, Tank Johnson, and Jerry Jones.
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