Barney's Guide to Management

As we continue our series on life lessons from The Barney Show, we’ll now delve into a topic I know a little something about, management. If you check back in April, I became a manager. Then I managed a group of 11 individuals and reported to a project manager who managed a team of 19. Now I pretty much was the PM in that I did everything necessary to keep that ship running, but I didn’t have the title. Well, we lost that contract (and I’m sure having a PM spending half his time in South Carolina golfing and not responding to anything had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope, none whatsoever), so now I’m managing a project of 5 people, but I have the title. So less work, better title. Seems like a good deal to me. Now that you have the back story, let me pass on my lessons learned. I’m sure this will be in the Harvard Business Journal fairly soon, so make sure you let people know you were the first to know this. So without further ado, we now present “Managing the Barney Way”.

Lead by Example
Employees are more likely to perform a certain way if they see their manager doing it as well. You have to be dedicated to both your work and your team. My employees know they are going to get everything I can possible give for them and it shows in the respect they give me.
For example, I never order shots for my employees if I’m not getting one as well. Staff absences have gone down noticeably on my watch. I attribute that to my lack of sympathy for sick people. If I’m in here at 8 am after being at the bar until midnight and had 14 shots of Jack, your ass better be in here as well. The only exception I have for this is with my female employees and their “issues”. One girl started describing the health issues she was having that are best told to a gynecologist. I stopped her and told her that she can leave immediately and to take all the time off she feels is necessary.

Compartmentalize
We all have issues in our life, but as a manager, you need to block all of that out. You have to have the ability to focus completely on the task at hand. If you get good at this, you can eliminate pretty much any emotion in your life that doesn’t have to do with work. You’ll know your great at compartmentalizing when you do the following:Forget its your girlfriends birthday and don’t call her because you worked late to finish a proposal.(Forget actually doing something on her birthday. Doesn’t she know it’s your busy time of year?)
When someone comes to you and says, “Did you hear about Former Coworker A? Her son committed suicide,” your immediate response is, “God dammit. Don’t you see we have requisitions going over without any accounting lines? Why would you tell me this now? Can’t this wait?”

Sure, your social life will probably be described as “pathetic” by some people and you won’t have any meaningful relationships. But they don’t give bonuses based on your ability to spend a lovely day shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond. You don’t get promoted on being a great snuggler. So stop being a little bitch and get those best practices documented.

Sexual Harassment
It’s important in today’s workforce to make sure you’re not accused of sexual harassment. You can get into a lot of trouble for that. I’ve gone out of my way to try and be accommodating to the fairer sex (as mentioned above in my tremendous empathy for female’s health.). It’s also important to not use your power to get you sex. The key is to make your employees think you’re getting some when you’re actually not. Let’s replay a conversation with one of the people I manage:

Employee B: So you’re sleeping with Female Employee C, right?Barney: No I’m not.
Employee B: Really? I thought you were. What about Female Employee D?
Barney: No, not her either. I’m not banging anyone on this team.
Employee B: Ok, Ok. I believe you, but I think everyone assumes that you are.

You see that? You get all of the undermining of your credibility with none of the enjoyment. So now you merely have rumors about what you do in your free time. That’s much better.

Team Building
Team building is a key management technique used to build morale and camaraderie. My main belief is that Team Happy Hours do wonders. Here everyone gets to loosen up their tie, blow of a little steam and get to know each other a little better. The key in my opinion is to get absolutely smashed. I mean as blindly drunk as you can before they stop those 2 for 1 specials. Then put it on the corporate card and everybody is happy. Except for finance. They’ll want to have you fired. But fuck them, you have a team to run.

How important do I think Happy Hours are? I just did a project plan and it already has two of them on there. In fact, they’re milestones on my plan. I have one setup for October 2, 2009. Is that almost 10 months away? Sure it is. But nothing brings a team together like the anticipation of getting absolutely wasted together. And it’s on the project plan, so it has to happen. If not, we’re going to be behind schedule, and no one likes that.

Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to being a project manager by 25. The Barney Show accepts no responsibility if this guidance leads you to having no liver by the time you’re 30. That’s just part of the Barney Plan.