Seriously, I don’t even know why I still follow the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets anymore. I feel like slamming my head against a wall until I get that sweet, sweet, concussion feeling again. That’ll make me forget the past four weeks. I promised I wasn’t going to get too excited anymore. They’ve just blown it in the past. Somehow, after the Patriots and Titans wins, I got suckered in again. It was so bad that yesterday I couldn’t even keep the tv on. I shut it off at halftime because I didn’t want to endure the hour and a half of torture. So around 7 pm, I turned it on to see the score…and then commenced to drink heavily.
To be complete honest, this might be better than the alternative of them getting some momentum, only to be beaten by the Steelers in a 2-3 seed matchup. That would have been a lot more painful to me. I would probably turn my phone off for about two weeks.
The one positive though, is that I’ve been right about the two main transactions over this off season, Favre and Vernon Gholston. When the Jets signed Favre, everyone congratulated me like the Jets were Super Bowl bound or something. I was skeptical of this trade to say the least (In fact, I got a text message at 8:15 the morning after he was signed and audibly shouted “Fuck” on the metro.) Everyone assumed that they’d be getting the Favre of last year, when the more likely result would be the Favre that sucked the past four before that. And that Favre has returned the past four weeks. Gholston on the other hand has been more worthless than…I can’t even think of the proper metaphor for it right now. Guess how many tackles he has this year? 12. Twelve fucking tackles all year, that’s all you need to know. And you wondered why I nearly lost my shit when the Jets picked him 6th last year. In the immortal words of Mel Kiper Jr, "The Jets simply don't understand the point of the draft."
Making this even worse is the fact that Chad Pennington will get votes for MVP this season. So they downgraded at that position (Sure, I made Chad jokes all the time. But I never thought he couldn’t get the job done. He was just injured that’s all.) and at the same time, jerked around one of the classiest guys in the league (He was on Page 6 once by my count. And that was because he spent all night in the hospital taking care of his kid. How that made Page 6 is beyond me.). Well done, Jets.
Well, at least there’s the offseason to look forward to. Oh wait, no its not. There will be six weeks (at least) of Favre going back and forth if he’s going to retire. And no signings are going to be done until that’s decided. My new goal is to get them to blow this whole thing up, and hire Cowher for however much he wants.
Being a Jets fan is kind of like being Scratchy. Every time you think things are going to turn out just fine. And then that’s the moment Itchy unleashes a closet full of chainsaws on you. Each year, it’s a different way of painfully dying, but the end result is the same. The only difference is this year, we have Brett Favre, aka, Poochie. Well, my only hope is that someone tells Brett his planet needs him and he has to return.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Shut Up Liver
Homer: “If I can’t drink at this bar, I might have to give up drinking.”
Liver: “Hooray”
Homer: “Shut up liver.” (Punches stomach) “Oh, now my liver hurts.”
In a previous episode I mentioned that happy hours were a key part of my management strategy. Now that I’m officially a project manager, it seems this has officially caught on. Tuesday night was the team Christmas party. We’re a team of 5 that’s a subcontractor to a company that has a team of about 23 people. All of them we’re invited and most attended. The four of us attended because it had the two best words in the English language, “Open Bar”. Apparently, this new team did not know what they were getting themselves into. In the two and a half hours, I must have had 8-10 drinks. And most of those were double Maker’s on the rocks. So you do the math. There’s nothing better than going up to the CEO of a company, drinking straight bourbon, and telling him he’s throwing a hell of a party, oh and by the way, here’s how you should be running this project.
Not content to just have drinks, we had to have zaniness ensue. When the party wound down, the bartender left for an unknown reason. So we did what every good consultant would do, we poured ourselves monster drinks. One stood guard by the door, while three of us went over and under the bar to pour drinks. One of us ripped his suit while trying to do so. Damage so far, about $300. After finishing that drink off, we hit the road, where the fun continued. Not so much for me, because I vomited all over myself. You stay classy, Barney. Another one of my coworkers went to a holiday champagne tasting with his girlfriend. He proceeded to go running through Howard University campus because he thought someone was chasing him. He ended up bruised and with cuts and he lost the back of his cell phone. Oh, and he got arrested. He didn’t get booked with anything and the cops let him go on the condition that his girlfriend pick him up. Now that’s a ryde or die chick right there. Keeping your man out of the slammer. I’m sure this will be on The Lox’s next album. I think we have our new slogan for anyone who wants to join our team: “The 8732, where happy hours end in handcuffs at historically black colleges”.
I ended up coming in Wednesday morning wearing the same clothes as the previous day (the vomit was washed out). No one actually called me on it though. I think they all understood. I mean, it’s not like they were in any better shape. They were probably worse. There’s no way they would be able to get on multiple conference calls with execs in the state they were in. Me, waking up at 6 still drunk, coming in in last night’s clothes, and still being not only functional, but highly productive? In my world, that’s called Wednesday.
Thursday was the planned shit show of the week, as my employees decided to honor me for my birthday. And they chose to honor me by sending out the evite saying that this was a “Princess Party.” Can you feel the respect? Anyway, I wore the pink tie that my daughter just bought for me (She’s old enough to pick out stuff now, so that was fun) to this event purely out of spite. Chubb Rock isn’t the only guy in my family who can rock the pink to an event (I’m sorry, that story will never get old). Thursday was fun because two of the trains I was on broke down going to the bar. I took this as a sign that it was my luck again, so I ended up walking 2 miles to the bar. There wasn’t as much craziness this time, just me drinking Jack by the glass. I was looking forward to getting my bill so I could see the damage I did to my liver, but I apparently had a cool bartender who just charged me $60 for the entire night and didn’t list anything out (He probably remembers me from the last time I was there and ran up a $100 tab in 2 hours). I came into work this morning still buzzed. Oh, and I have a Christmas part tonight.
Liver: “Hooray”
Homer: “Shut up liver.” (Punches stomach) “Oh, now my liver hurts.”
In a previous episode I mentioned that happy hours were a key part of my management strategy. Now that I’m officially a project manager, it seems this has officially caught on. Tuesday night was the team Christmas party. We’re a team of 5 that’s a subcontractor to a company that has a team of about 23 people. All of them we’re invited and most attended. The four of us attended because it had the two best words in the English language, “Open Bar”. Apparently, this new team did not know what they were getting themselves into. In the two and a half hours, I must have had 8-10 drinks. And most of those were double Maker’s on the rocks. So you do the math. There’s nothing better than going up to the CEO of a company, drinking straight bourbon, and telling him he’s throwing a hell of a party, oh and by the way, here’s how you should be running this project.
Not content to just have drinks, we had to have zaniness ensue. When the party wound down, the bartender left for an unknown reason. So we did what every good consultant would do, we poured ourselves monster drinks. One stood guard by the door, while three of us went over and under the bar to pour drinks. One of us ripped his suit while trying to do so. Damage so far, about $300. After finishing that drink off, we hit the road, where the fun continued. Not so much for me, because I vomited all over myself. You stay classy, Barney. Another one of my coworkers went to a holiday champagne tasting with his girlfriend. He proceeded to go running through Howard University campus because he thought someone was chasing him. He ended up bruised and with cuts and he lost the back of his cell phone. Oh, and he got arrested. He didn’t get booked with anything and the cops let him go on the condition that his girlfriend pick him up. Now that’s a ryde or die chick right there. Keeping your man out of the slammer. I’m sure this will be on The Lox’s next album. I think we have our new slogan for anyone who wants to join our team: “The 8732, where happy hours end in handcuffs at historically black colleges”.
I ended up coming in Wednesday morning wearing the same clothes as the previous day (the vomit was washed out). No one actually called me on it though. I think they all understood. I mean, it’s not like they were in any better shape. They were probably worse. There’s no way they would be able to get on multiple conference calls with execs in the state they were in. Me, waking up at 6 still drunk, coming in in last night’s clothes, and still being not only functional, but highly productive? In my world, that’s called Wednesday.
Thursday was the planned shit show of the week, as my employees decided to honor me for my birthday. And they chose to honor me by sending out the evite saying that this was a “Princess Party.” Can you feel the respect? Anyway, I wore the pink tie that my daughter just bought for me (She’s old enough to pick out stuff now, so that was fun) to this event purely out of spite. Chubb Rock isn’t the only guy in my family who can rock the pink to an event (I’m sorry, that story will never get old). Thursday was fun because two of the trains I was on broke down going to the bar. I took this as a sign that it was my luck again, so I ended up walking 2 miles to the bar. There wasn’t as much craziness this time, just me drinking Jack by the glass. I was looking forward to getting my bill so I could see the damage I did to my liver, but I apparently had a cool bartender who just charged me $60 for the entire night and didn’t list anything out (He probably remembers me from the last time I was there and ran up a $100 tab in 2 hours). I came into work this morning still buzzed. Oh, and I have a Christmas part tonight.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Chronicles of Mr. Twenty Percent
We’ll get to the new title of the in a second, but just letting you know this trip to Texas we’ll be doing quotes exclusively from Kanye West, since 808’s & Heartbreak was playing for most of the weekend (it is one of the few CDs I own that I don’t have to worry about lyrics in front of my daughter).
“Eighteen years, eighteen years. She got one of your kids she got you for eighteen years.”
Since giving myself nicknames is apparently the new cool thing to do, I gave myself a new one: Mr Twenty Percent. A few of you may know that Deshawn Stevenson gave himself the nickname Mr Fifty Percent last season in his epic battle of swag with Gilbert since he had a shooting percentage greater than 50% (And probably the number one reason they’re 4-18 this year is because your team is concerned with its swag. Also, I’d like to note that Gil was the one who made that term blow up and why King magazine has articles like 69 Ways to Increase Your Swag). I’m now going by Mr Twenty Percent because in the state of Texas, a father is obligated to contribute 20% of his after tax income to their child. And sometimes, I think that’s half of what anyone down there is concerned about. I love that I had to break out my income recently. Nothing like having to pay an extra $100 a month so someone can not work. Also, my BM’s mom seems to like me more now that I gave her a G to pay for medical expenses. So as long as I’m being an ATM, I’m in everyone’s good graces. Let’s not concern ourselves with me actually getting down to Texas and how that’s getting paid for (which ain’t cheap by the way). Let’s just make sure Barney is contributing the correct amount and then we’ll guilt him into giving up more.
“Some of em dyslexic, their favorite 50 Cent song is 12 Questions.”
Texas has an advertising strategy utilized by some of its businesses along the lines of “You’re in the middle of no where. You have very little options at this point. The only one you currently have is this establishment. Just reminding you of that.” When there’s only one restaurant for the next 30 miles, you really don’t have to have a catchy jingle. You should however, focus on putting correct grammar on your billboard. You might want to have your 30 foot billboard say, “You’re Here” instead of “Your Here”. Unless you’re trying to advertise that the Texas school system sucks. If so, may I suggest you get Vince Young to be your spokesman. I think he’s available now. (And yes, I know that I had incorrect grammar on the JP Losman post. The difference is, mine was in 12 font on a blog, not 96 font on the side of an interstate. I would have checked the episode a lot more thoroughly if I knew that was the case).
“I’ll have a buzz bigger than insects in Texas.”
It wouldn’t be a trip to Texas if I didn’t nearly die. This time, it was the result of missing hitting a deer by about 6 inches. I’m fairly certain my Chevy Cobalt would not be able to handle this (It had enough problems just dealing with 20 MPH winds. When gusts came, the car literally moved.). I had to swerve to avoid the deer, then swerve back to avoid running my car into a ditch (God forbid they have anything like a shoulder or a highway that’s more than one lane wide). I’m glad I avoided dying just the way I always wanted: on a backwood highway impaled by a deer antler. On the plus side, if I survived, I would have definitely loaded it into the back seat and waited for it to come alive. “Hello Enterprise Rental Car, yes, I had a great time. Oh, that? There’s no top on the car because I put a deer in the backseat and it destroyed everything. Sorry about the car, but That. Was. Awesome.”
And finally, I was confronted with the age old question, “Is it ok to beat the shit out of a 2 year old?” Again, the answer was no, but I was really considering it for awhile. I might get convicted of something, but I think a jury would be sympathetic when I told them I did it because she said, “Your not really her daddy”. Yup, that’s what one of my daughters friends said to me. But I didn’t beat this shit out of her (not this time at least). Oh well another fan-fucking-tastic trip to Texas.
“Eighteen years, eighteen years. She got one of your kids she got you for eighteen years.”
Since giving myself nicknames is apparently the new cool thing to do, I gave myself a new one: Mr Twenty Percent. A few of you may know that Deshawn Stevenson gave himself the nickname Mr Fifty Percent last season in his epic battle of swag with Gilbert since he had a shooting percentage greater than 50% (And probably the number one reason they’re 4-18 this year is because your team is concerned with its swag. Also, I’d like to note that Gil was the one who made that term blow up and why King magazine has articles like 69 Ways to Increase Your Swag). I’m now going by Mr Twenty Percent because in the state of Texas, a father is obligated to contribute 20% of his after tax income to their child. And sometimes, I think that’s half of what anyone down there is concerned about. I love that I had to break out my income recently. Nothing like having to pay an extra $100 a month so someone can not work. Also, my BM’s mom seems to like me more now that I gave her a G to pay for medical expenses. So as long as I’m being an ATM, I’m in everyone’s good graces. Let’s not concern ourselves with me actually getting down to Texas and how that’s getting paid for (which ain’t cheap by the way). Let’s just make sure Barney is contributing the correct amount and then we’ll guilt him into giving up more.
“Some of em dyslexic, their favorite 50 Cent song is 12 Questions.”
Texas has an advertising strategy utilized by some of its businesses along the lines of “You’re in the middle of no where. You have very little options at this point. The only one you currently have is this establishment. Just reminding you of that.” When there’s only one restaurant for the next 30 miles, you really don’t have to have a catchy jingle. You should however, focus on putting correct grammar on your billboard. You might want to have your 30 foot billboard say, “You’re Here” instead of “Your Here”. Unless you’re trying to advertise that the Texas school system sucks. If so, may I suggest you get Vince Young to be your spokesman. I think he’s available now. (And yes, I know that I had incorrect grammar on the JP Losman post. The difference is, mine was in 12 font on a blog, not 96 font on the side of an interstate. I would have checked the episode a lot more thoroughly if I knew that was the case).
“I’ll have a buzz bigger than insects in Texas.”
It wouldn’t be a trip to Texas if I didn’t nearly die. This time, it was the result of missing hitting a deer by about 6 inches. I’m fairly certain my Chevy Cobalt would not be able to handle this (It had enough problems just dealing with 20 MPH winds. When gusts came, the car literally moved.). I had to swerve to avoid the deer, then swerve back to avoid running my car into a ditch (God forbid they have anything like a shoulder or a highway that’s more than one lane wide). I’m glad I avoided dying just the way I always wanted: on a backwood highway impaled by a deer antler. On the plus side, if I survived, I would have definitely loaded it into the back seat and waited for it to come alive. “Hello Enterprise Rental Car, yes, I had a great time. Oh, that? There’s no top on the car because I put a deer in the backseat and it destroyed everything. Sorry about the car, but That. Was. Awesome.”
And finally, I was confronted with the age old question, “Is it ok to beat the shit out of a 2 year old?” Again, the answer was no, but I was really considering it for awhile. I might get convicted of something, but I think a jury would be sympathetic when I told them I did it because she said, “Your not really her daddy”. Yup, that’s what one of my daughters friends said to me. But I didn’t beat this shit out of her (not this time at least). Oh well another fan-fucking-tastic trip to Texas.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Reinforcing Stereotypes
If there’s one thing I hate in this world besides the state of Delaware, its Christmas shopping. It’s gotten even more fun since I’ve had in kid in that I now have to go to Toys R Us and all that stuff. Nothing makes me more pissed off than having to deal with parents trying to get stuff for their kids. That’s why I went at 9 am on Saturday morning as soon as they opened up and banged out everything I needed to get in an hour and fifteen minutes. That has to be a record. Even better than that, I was actually entertained while shopping. There was a Hispanic lady shopping for her daughter. She got her…(wait for it)…a vacuum and cleaner toy set. Starting them young, huh? I mean, we’re not even trying to avoid stereotypes there. The only way that would be better was if she got her son a beach set that had a water can and a rake. That’d be equivalent me buying my daughter a shot glass. Alright, maybe that’s just funny to me.
Some other things that may only be funny to me:
I’m getting my dinner last night and the guy in front of me in line has a button saying Obama ’08 in Hebrew. And of course he’s at the register counting out pennies to make exact change.
I’m on the train home and there’s someone next to me who apparently attended an engineering conference in Knoxville and had a tote bag from that conference. And guess what was part of the conference’s logo? That’s right, the Sunsphere. I did not know that thing was still up. I assumed the wig store it was housing was destroyed when Nelson threw a rock at it. Way to change my opinion about you, Tennessee. I now have another tourist destination when I make my trip to Lynchburg.
Since I’m making jokes about all kinds of generalities, I’d be remiss if I didn’t take this time to laugh at myself. I was in the supermarket the other day in the frozen food aisle when it hit me: I really like having Texas Toast in the freezer. I eat it at least once a week, usually more now, and I felt that I needed to pick some up just in case. When it gets to the point that you’re reinforcing stereotypes about yourself, you might want to reconsider making fun of others for doing so. On second though, nah. In the words of Brock when I told him about the Jewish guy, “You’ve reached the apex of funny”.
Some other things that may only be funny to me:
I’m getting my dinner last night and the guy in front of me in line has a button saying Obama ’08 in Hebrew. And of course he’s at the register counting out pennies to make exact change.
I’m on the train home and there’s someone next to me who apparently attended an engineering conference in Knoxville and had a tote bag from that conference. And guess what was part of the conference’s logo? That’s right, the Sunsphere. I did not know that thing was still up. I assumed the wig store it was housing was destroyed when Nelson threw a rock at it. Way to change my opinion about you, Tennessee. I now have another tourist destination when I make my trip to Lynchburg.
Since I’m making jokes about all kinds of generalities, I’d be remiss if I didn’t take this time to laugh at myself. I was in the supermarket the other day in the frozen food aisle when it hit me: I really like having Texas Toast in the freezer. I eat it at least once a week, usually more now, and I felt that I needed to pick some up just in case. When it gets to the point that you’re reinforcing stereotypes about yourself, you might want to reconsider making fun of others for doing so. On second though, nah. In the words of Brock when I told him about the Jewish guy, “You’ve reached the apex of funny”.
Barney's Guide to Management
As we continue our series on life lessons from The Barney Show, we’ll now delve into a topic I know a little something about, management. If you check back in April, I became a manager. Then I managed a group of 11 individuals and reported to a project manager who managed a team of 19. Now I pretty much was the PM in that I did everything necessary to keep that ship running, but I didn’t have the title. Well, we lost that contract (and I’m sure having a PM spending half his time in South Carolina golfing and not responding to anything had absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope, none whatsoever), so now I’m managing a project of 5 people, but I have the title. So less work, better title. Seems like a good deal to me. Now that you have the back story, let me pass on my lessons learned. I’m sure this will be in the Harvard Business Journal fairly soon, so make sure you let people know you were the first to know this. So without further ado, we now present “Managing the Barney Way”.
Lead by Example
Employees are more likely to perform a certain way if they see their manager doing it as well. You have to be dedicated to both your work and your team. My employees know they are going to get everything I can possible give for them and it shows in the respect they give me.
For example, I never order shots for my employees if I’m not getting one as well. Staff absences have gone down noticeably on my watch. I attribute that to my lack of sympathy for sick people. If I’m in here at 8 am after being at the bar until midnight and had 14 shots of Jack, your ass better be in here as well. The only exception I have for this is with my female employees and their “issues”. One girl started describing the health issues she was having that are best told to a gynecologist. I stopped her and told her that she can leave immediately and to take all the time off she feels is necessary.
Compartmentalize
We all have issues in our life, but as a manager, you need to block all of that out. You have to have the ability to focus completely on the task at hand. If you get good at this, you can eliminate pretty much any emotion in your life that doesn’t have to do with work. You’ll know your great at compartmentalizing when you do the following:Forget its your girlfriends birthday and don’t call her because you worked late to finish a proposal.(Forget actually doing something on her birthday. Doesn’t she know it’s your busy time of year?)
When someone comes to you and says, “Did you hear about Former Coworker A? Her son committed suicide,” your immediate response is, “God dammit. Don’t you see we have requisitions going over without any accounting lines? Why would you tell me this now? Can’t this wait?”
Sure, your social life will probably be described as “pathetic” by some people and you won’t have any meaningful relationships. But they don’t give bonuses based on your ability to spend a lovely day shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond. You don’t get promoted on being a great snuggler. So stop being a little bitch and get those best practices documented.
Sexual Harassment
It’s important in today’s workforce to make sure you’re not accused of sexual harassment. You can get into a lot of trouble for that. I’ve gone out of my way to try and be accommodating to the fairer sex (as mentioned above in my tremendous empathy for female’s health.). It’s also important to not use your power to get you sex. The key is to make your employees think you’re getting some when you’re actually not. Let’s replay a conversation with one of the people I manage:
Employee B: So you’re sleeping with Female Employee C, right?Barney: No I’m not.
Employee B: Really? I thought you were. What about Female Employee D?
Barney: No, not her either. I’m not banging anyone on this team.
Employee B: Ok, Ok. I believe you, but I think everyone assumes that you are.
You see that? You get all of the undermining of your credibility with none of the enjoyment. So now you merely have rumors about what you do in your free time. That’s much better.
Team Building
Team building is a key management technique used to build morale and camaraderie. My main belief is that Team Happy Hours do wonders. Here everyone gets to loosen up their tie, blow of a little steam and get to know each other a little better. The key in my opinion is to get absolutely smashed. I mean as blindly drunk as you can before they stop those 2 for 1 specials. Then put it on the corporate card and everybody is happy. Except for finance. They’ll want to have you fired. But fuck them, you have a team to run.
How important do I think Happy Hours are? I just did a project plan and it already has two of them on there. In fact, they’re milestones on my plan. I have one setup for October 2, 2009. Is that almost 10 months away? Sure it is. But nothing brings a team together like the anticipation of getting absolutely wasted together. And it’s on the project plan, so it has to happen. If not, we’re going to be behind schedule, and no one likes that.
Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to being a project manager by 25. The Barney Show accepts no responsibility if this guidance leads you to having no liver by the time you’re 30. That’s just part of the Barney Plan.
Lead by Example
Employees are more likely to perform a certain way if they see their manager doing it as well. You have to be dedicated to both your work and your team. My employees know they are going to get everything I can possible give for them and it shows in the respect they give me.
For example, I never order shots for my employees if I’m not getting one as well. Staff absences have gone down noticeably on my watch. I attribute that to my lack of sympathy for sick people. If I’m in here at 8 am after being at the bar until midnight and had 14 shots of Jack, your ass better be in here as well. The only exception I have for this is with my female employees and their “issues”. One girl started describing the health issues she was having that are best told to a gynecologist. I stopped her and told her that she can leave immediately and to take all the time off she feels is necessary.
Compartmentalize
We all have issues in our life, but as a manager, you need to block all of that out. You have to have the ability to focus completely on the task at hand. If you get good at this, you can eliminate pretty much any emotion in your life that doesn’t have to do with work. You’ll know your great at compartmentalizing when you do the following:Forget its your girlfriends birthday and don’t call her because you worked late to finish a proposal.(Forget actually doing something on her birthday. Doesn’t she know it’s your busy time of year?)
When someone comes to you and says, “Did you hear about Former Coworker A? Her son committed suicide,” your immediate response is, “God dammit. Don’t you see we have requisitions going over without any accounting lines? Why would you tell me this now? Can’t this wait?”
Sure, your social life will probably be described as “pathetic” by some people and you won’t have any meaningful relationships. But they don’t give bonuses based on your ability to spend a lovely day shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond. You don’t get promoted on being a great snuggler. So stop being a little bitch and get those best practices documented.
Sexual Harassment
It’s important in today’s workforce to make sure you’re not accused of sexual harassment. You can get into a lot of trouble for that. I’ve gone out of my way to try and be accommodating to the fairer sex (as mentioned above in my tremendous empathy for female’s health.). It’s also important to not use your power to get you sex. The key is to make your employees think you’re getting some when you’re actually not. Let’s replay a conversation with one of the people I manage:
Employee B: So you’re sleeping with Female Employee C, right?Barney: No I’m not.
Employee B: Really? I thought you were. What about Female Employee D?
Barney: No, not her either. I’m not banging anyone on this team.
Employee B: Ok, Ok. I believe you, but I think everyone assumes that you are.
You see that? You get all of the undermining of your credibility with none of the enjoyment. So now you merely have rumors about what you do in your free time. That’s much better.
Team Building
Team building is a key management technique used to build morale and camaraderie. My main belief is that Team Happy Hours do wonders. Here everyone gets to loosen up their tie, blow of a little steam and get to know each other a little better. The key in my opinion is to get absolutely smashed. I mean as blindly drunk as you can before they stop those 2 for 1 specials. Then put it on the corporate card and everybody is happy. Except for finance. They’ll want to have you fired. But fuck them, you have a team to run.
How important do I think Happy Hours are? I just did a project plan and it already has two of them on there. In fact, they’re milestones on my plan. I have one setup for October 2, 2009. Is that almost 10 months away? Sure it is. But nothing brings a team together like the anticipation of getting absolutely wasted together. And it’s on the project plan, so it has to happen. If not, we’re going to be behind schedule, and no one likes that.
Follow these steps and you’ll be well on your way to being a project manager by 25. The Barney Show accepts no responsibility if this guidance leads you to having no liver by the time you’re 30. That’s just part of the Barney Plan.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I am...Pancake
Ok, we’ll get to that title in a bit. But let’s get to some of the highlights from my trip back to the West End for Thanksgiving. Another trip home, another intervention avoided. That’s pretty much my one goal for these things, to not have my family surround me and tell me they think I have a problem.
Glad I came home in the end of November and the best we can do is have lukewarm water for the shower. That really made shaving quite fun.
I think my parents are officially old. Not only do they not get around as well as they use to, but they’re starting to do things like collecting dimes in their car. Not change. Just dimes. For no reason. That’s completely normal.
Not that I’m one to talk about normal behavior. I drove up starting at 4 am on Thanksgiving morning, walked in the door and went on a 4-5 mile run. Then proceeded to start drinking…and I didn’t stop until Saturday night. But the run made me seem like I somehow had my shit together. I think that’s what kept the intervention from happening.
Thank you Delaware for once again reconfirming your spot as worst state in the nation. It took me two hours to drive the 15 miles through your shitty state.
So why am I now going by the name “Pancake”? Well, if Beyonce can start giving herself a nickname, why can’t I? Oh right, she has multiple grammys, movies, is married to Jay-Z. I’m just a simple IT consultant with a rambling blog. I guess I don’t really have a right to expect this to catch on. Anyway, here’s how it happened:
Barney: “You know what we need? Someone in our crew named Pancake.”
J-Man: (pause) “It’s not going to be me.”
Barney: (looks around, see’s no one else) “Fuck. I guess that’s me then.”
So just add another nickname to the list.
Glad I came home in the end of November and the best we can do is have lukewarm water for the shower. That really made shaving quite fun.
I think my parents are officially old. Not only do they not get around as well as they use to, but they’re starting to do things like collecting dimes in their car. Not change. Just dimes. For no reason. That’s completely normal.
Not that I’m one to talk about normal behavior. I drove up starting at 4 am on Thanksgiving morning, walked in the door and went on a 4-5 mile run. Then proceeded to start drinking…and I didn’t stop until Saturday night. But the run made me seem like I somehow had my shit together. I think that’s what kept the intervention from happening.
Thank you Delaware for once again reconfirming your spot as worst state in the nation. It took me two hours to drive the 15 miles through your shitty state.
So why am I now going by the name “Pancake”? Well, if Beyonce can start giving herself a nickname, why can’t I? Oh right, she has multiple grammys, movies, is married to Jay-Z. I’m just a simple IT consultant with a rambling blog. I guess I don’t really have a right to expect this to catch on. Anyway, here’s how it happened:
Barney: “You know what we need? Someone in our crew named Pancake.”
J-Man: (pause) “It’s not going to be me.”
Barney: (looks around, see’s no one else) “Fuck. I guess that’s me then.”
So just add another nickname to the list.
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