Texas Toast

You deserve better. You put up with a half ass Texas Toast in August (though I might have redeemed myself with What’s the Deal with Cancer? Episode), but I promise this will be a much improved Texas Toast, with 87% more crazy Texas stuff and 113% more awkward parenting moments from yours truly. And with no bitching about relationships. This one had to justify Brock sending me a picture text message of actual Texas Toast. So we’re cutting the quotes as we normal and just getting straight to the notes from deep in the heart of Texas.

Actually, we’re start with my layover in Atlanta on Friday. I joked last time I was there that I was halfway expecting a strip club within the Atlanta airport. They don’t have that (yet), but Atlanta is different from any other airport I’ve been to yet (and I’ve been to a bunch). I was sitting around waiting for my flight to Dallas when the person sitting next to me said the following, “Tell (forget name) to keep his head up. He’ll finish his bid in a minute.” I then looked up and saw I was approving time cards from my employees. I realized that this might be the least gangsta moment of my life and that my rap career will not happen. I could see that being played out on that Summer Jam screen. There’s no coming back from that. Also fun in the Atlanta airport: Seeing someone walking to the plane with food in his hand and just knowing that it’s Popeye’s Chicken in his hand. Let’s just say that Atlanta’s airport was pretty much reinforcing stereotypes. I also think I saw a member of the Grand Hustle entourage. There was also a Cowboys fan on my flight to Dallas with a laptop. I was surprised that Cowboy fans even knew how to read, never mind use a computer. For you non-Cowboy fans, read on if you dare.
Speaking of reinforcing stereotypes, let’s talk about the Disney Channel’s programming. They have a show called “Handy Manny” in which a Hispanic man has a magic tool box that allows him to fix a multitude of problems. I mean, it’s not as offensive as having their token Spanish show be hosted by a gardener, but it’s pretty close. They also had a commercial asking kids to go outside and play, and the first two kids they showed were two black kids playing basketball. Way to go Disney Channel.

On Saturday, I took my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese. Little did I know that it would have the most security I’ve ever seen. That’s right, Chuck E. Cheese. First off, there was a rope to get in. Then they stamp your hand that can only be viewed under black light. And they check your stamp on the way out, and check you off the list. I’ve gone onto a NASA facility and there was less security than that. I guess they don’t want to lose any kids. Also worth noting was that I had the bright idea to change $10 into Chuck E. Cheese tokens figuring she would enjoying playing the games. Unfortunately, she did not. After two games, she wanted to leave. A solid investment by me I must say. Though considering how the stock market has been, it might be (Oh no, a financial joke. He went there.) So if anyone wants $9.50 in Chuck E. Cheese tokens, holla at your boy.

My daughter apparently likes the TI song, “My Life”. So if she start referring to her friends as “patnas”, you’ll know why. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a big fan of “Swagger Like Us”. I would love to see the other 2 year old faces when she starts talking about her Swag.

On Sunday, we went to the zoo. Because this is Texas, they have to make a few things clear. Like having multiple sings indicating that firearms were prohibited. And I think this was completely warranted. Because I can see someone trying to take out a giraffe to put on their double wide wall. Also, in a feat of urban planning, the zoo was next to a middle school. If the animals escape, I see no issues whatsoever.

After seeing the firearm sign, we got on line to get our tickets into the zoo. In front of us was a guy with “White” tatted on one forearm and “Power” on the other. He also had “100% White” on his neck. Thankfully, he did not speak to me. Because I think the only thing I would have been able to say was, “American History X was a good movie.” The only redeeming thing about this was that Mr. Racist was wearing $15 shoes from Wal Mart that were very beat up. I was not surprised at all by this. Way to reinforce more stereotypes.

I was impressed at the mall we went to in Dallas. They had a whole store for just giant belt buckles. They also had three stores for sports paraphernalia. One was stores was strictly devoted to Dallas Cowboy stuff and the other two were filled with Texas stuff, mostly Vince Young. So if Vince decides to take his pacifier and retire from the NFL, he’ll be just fine in Texas. He’s a demi-god down here. I once heard a sermon on a Christian radio station where they compared Vince Young’s touchdown run against USC to going to Heaven. In that Vince could not accomplish great things until he studied his good book (the playbook), and one won’t meet God until they review their good book (the Bible). I was tempted to call in and tell the pastor that was a broken play and had nothing to do with reading a playbook. And also asking him how Pete Carroll giving the ball the Lendale White on 4th & 1 factored into His plan. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make (in true Barney fashion, it took an extra 75 words to get there), is that it’s really no surprise that Vince reacted the way he did considering how he’s been worshipped down here. The Barney Show, the only place you can get updates on how stereotypes are being played out in contemporary America as well as half balked psychological analysis of NFL players.

I started writing this episode on the plane back home. Since I started this, the person next to me has not been in her seat. I’m almost afraid to ask. Hopefully she returns back to her seat in a different outfit a la Tommy Boy.

Time for a quick side story. Last Friday I went out to the bar to enjoy Saturday being the first day in 19 days I didn’t have to go to work. What did I do? Consumed 14 Jacks, 2 Johnnie Walkers and 2 shots. In 4 hours. The front runner for the quote of the year came from the waitress who said, “I would have cut him off awhile ago, but he was so calm.” That might be my epitaph. So I left the bar with an approximately 0.28 BAC and went to another one. Ok, back to the Toast.

In order to avoid getting a PT Cruiser from the rent a car place again, I made the decision to upgrade to a standard size car even though there was no reason to do so. I thus got a Chevy Impala. I said the phrase, “Cruisin’ in my ’64 Impala” no less than 15 times over the course of the weekend.

In a great example of how I have not been prepared to be a parent in today’s age, I was totally confused as to how to react when my daughter was wearing a pearl necklace. Because the 16 year old in me wanted to laugh. I won’t make any more jokes about that, but two weeks ago, one of the people working for me was investigated by the IT department for googling “black and white pearl necklace” actually looking for jewelry. I was really hoping they came to talk to me about it because I would have lost my shit. Though it did result in me having a discussion with my employee that went, “What the hell did you think would come up when you searched for ‘black and white pearl necklace’?” I’m fairly certain Warren Buffett doesn’t have to deal with these issues.

You know what’s also fun? When I see a good looking girl when I have my daughter with me. We went to lunch on Sunday and the waitress was pretty hot. It has to be funny as I try to make a conscious effort to show my fingers and that there is no ring on it. When she walked by I made sure I was looking at my daughter to show I’m not ignoring her. I have no idea why I actually care. It’s not like I’m going to say, “Hey, she needs a nap. What do you say we go in the back of the kitchen.” Or even better, “How bout you come back to her grandparents house, where I’m staying this weekend.” So this predictably is another Barney Show introspective that goes nowhere. Anyway, it didn’t do any good because I gave a $6.50 tip on a $13.50 bill. You know, in case she has never got it on with a little brother in the room.

Update in case you were wondering: The lady who sat next to me and suspiciously left, she got a seat in the back. Apparently she didn’t want to sit next to me. She could have been a little less obvious by jumping up immediately after the seat belt sign went off.

Finally, I spent Sunday afternoon watching the Cowboy game with a bunch of Cowboy fans. I know, this sounds like the ideal Sunday afternoon to everyone, but it wasn’t as cushy as you’d think. They were actually (gasp!) ignorant of actual football. They didn’t know that Pacman was in a fight this week (in their defense, I don’t think anyone follows Pacman more than me). I had to give them clarification to rules (They wanted a roughing the kicker call on the punt block in overtime.) So not only are they front runner, they don’t know what they’re talking about.