http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3668922
The fact that Shaq had an entire arcade game shipped for him is hilarious. Now that is fiscal responsibility. This article brings me back. Expect J-Man to make a Brad Lohaus comment.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Get Going Hollywood
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/when_life_gets_you_down
This needs to get greenlite as soon as possible. I was cracking up at this. For the record, I once got completely blasted and watch Mighty Ducks 2. On a Saturday. At 9:30 in the morning. Can’t wait til I have to tell that story at AA.
This needs to get greenlite as soon as possible. I was cracking up at this. For the record, I once got completely blasted and watch Mighty Ducks 2. On a Saturday. At 9:30 in the morning. Can’t wait til I have to tell that story at AA.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I Need a Halloween Costume
So I need an idea for a Halloween costume. I’m just throwing ideas out off the top of my head. Obviously, the best Halloween costume you can ever do is Rick James. I don’t even think this is debatable (you get to say “The milk’s gone bad.” That alone would make it worthwhile). But I don’t think I can pull that off. If you have anything better and easy (hint: I highly doubt I will be making shit. That’s just not how I roll.), feel free to mention it. Somehow I have a feeling I’m going to go as something that like 1 person gets. Oh well. I’ve gone a Ron Artest before the Palace brawl. I know that feeling.
Michael Vick - I already have his VA Tech jersey, so it would be a really cheap one. Just buy a head band and write "Bad Newz Kennels" on the front and a dog chain and I'm set to go. But is this too last year? Also, will I have PETA lovers on my ass all night? I feel I have to do this at least once to justify keeping a Vick jersey in my closet.
Jack Daniels - I would pretty much just need to buy a beard and a top hat. Another easy one. But J Man was Johnnie Walker last year, so I might be stealing his bit.
Pacman Jones - Can you imagine how much fun this would be? Just bring a bunch of monopoly money and throw it around. Also, I would work on making a Pacman chain as well. The downside is I'd have to pay $80 for a jersey and I might actually die if I went as him.
Duffman - Another great idea, but if there's anything that defines me for Halloween, its laziness. I will not be making my own. This is a long shot.
Matt Leinhert - Pretty much the same issues I have with Pacman, but I wear a headset and carry around a clipboard. On the plus side, I probably could get college girls to do beer bongs.
Silky Johnston/Buck Wild – Another one that will take some effort on my part (unfortunately, I don’t own a royal blue suit), but might be worth it. I would love to tell someone her breasts look “like Afghanistan: bombed out and depleted.” Plus I don’t really think I would have to act much to pull this off. This is pretty much the standard operating procedure for drunk Barney here. This would just be more classy.
If I think of any more, I’ll put them up. Let me know what you think. Because if there’s one group of people who I can count on to help me in my time of need, it’s readers of a blog that’s all about drinking stories and I’ll conceived sports/rap references in poor sentence structure. I expect nothing but the best.
Michael Vick - I already have his VA Tech jersey, so it would be a really cheap one. Just buy a head band and write "Bad Newz Kennels" on the front and a dog chain and I'm set to go. But is this too last year? Also, will I have PETA lovers on my ass all night? I feel I have to do this at least once to justify keeping a Vick jersey in my closet.
Jack Daniels - I would pretty much just need to buy a beard and a top hat. Another easy one. But J Man was Johnnie Walker last year, so I might be stealing his bit.
Pacman Jones - Can you imagine how much fun this would be? Just bring a bunch of monopoly money and throw it around. Also, I would work on making a Pacman chain as well. The downside is I'd have to pay $80 for a jersey and I might actually die if I went as him.
Duffman - Another great idea, but if there's anything that defines me for Halloween, its laziness. I will not be making my own. This is a long shot.
Matt Leinhert - Pretty much the same issues I have with Pacman, but I wear a headset and carry around a clipboard. On the plus side, I probably could get college girls to do beer bongs.
Silky Johnston/Buck Wild – Another one that will take some effort on my part (unfortunately, I don’t own a royal blue suit), but might be worth it. I would love to tell someone her breasts look “like Afghanistan: bombed out and depleted.” Plus I don’t really think I would have to act much to pull this off. This is pretty much the standard operating procedure for drunk Barney here. This would just be more classy.
If I think of any more, I’ll put them up. Let me know what you think. Because if there’s one group of people who I can count on to help me in my time of need, it’s readers of a blog that’s all about drinking stories and I’ll conceived sports/rap references in poor sentence structure. I expect nothing but the best.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Barney's Rules to Life
We’re going to start a new segment on the Barney Show (read, will do two of these and abruptly stop) called Barney’s Rules to Life. Now, you’re probably asking yourself why would I want advice from someone who in uncomfortable in any social situation that does not involve alcohol, can’t maintain any semblance of a relationship and works way to much for the amount of money he’s being paid? That is a very valid point. The reason is that I will not be giving advice on these subjects. What I will be talking about is the little things that I think have gotten me to this point.
Rule: In any restaurant of lesser quality than Chili’s/Applebees/etc. always order the simplest item on the menu.
I guess when I was in 10th grade or so, J-Man asked me, “How come every time we go out to dinner, you always order a cheeseburger and fries?” To this point in my life, I had never even realized I did this, it was a subconscious decision. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a philosophy around this. The basic gist of it is that if you’re eating at a dinner, you’re not working with the brightest people. Contrary to what you may think, short order cooks are not in the kitchen debating the installation of the super particle accelerator and the effects it could have on the world of physics. With this in mind, I try to keep all my orders as simple as possible. Hence the reason why I always order a cheeseburger and french fries.
This came up this weekend when I was in Texas. We had breakfast at a dinner. Knowing that not only was this a dinner, but the people working there were educated in the same school system that allowed Vince Young to graduate, I ordered accordingly: scrambled eggs with bacon and white toast. Others I was eating with decided to get fancy. One ordered a Western omelet with tomatoes instead of onions and another ordered their eggs cooked to a specific amount of runniness. Of course these two orders got fucked up. Not only that, their breakfast was delayed because I imagine the cooks couldn’t understand what the hell they wanted.
This applies to a lesser extent when going to a bar. I never order mixed drinks (with the exception of Red Bull and vodka to get me going through an extended bender). It’s always straight beer or straight liquor. Oh, your (insert randomly named drink here) isn’t made just right? Maybe you shouldn’t have ordered it from a bartender who has 17 other people waiting to order. Keep it simple and you’ll get what you want. (Note that this was a round about way to justify drinking straight Jack on the rocks for hours on end). It also applies at coffee shops. Wonder why I drink black coffee? Because ordering something else one of two things happen. Either it’s made wrong or it takes forever to get made.
This doesn’t apply when you go out to eat at higher end places because you can assume that they kind of have their shit together. But don’t go too far from what they do best (i.e. don’t order seafood at a steak restaurant)
Tune in next week when I explain how you can lose 10 pounds the Barney way
Rule: In any restaurant of lesser quality than Chili’s/Applebees/etc. always order the simplest item on the menu.
I guess when I was in 10th grade or so, J-Man asked me, “How come every time we go out to dinner, you always order a cheeseburger and fries?” To this point in my life, I had never even realized I did this, it was a subconscious decision. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a philosophy around this. The basic gist of it is that if you’re eating at a dinner, you’re not working with the brightest people. Contrary to what you may think, short order cooks are not in the kitchen debating the installation of the super particle accelerator and the effects it could have on the world of physics. With this in mind, I try to keep all my orders as simple as possible. Hence the reason why I always order a cheeseburger and french fries.
This came up this weekend when I was in Texas. We had breakfast at a dinner. Knowing that not only was this a dinner, but the people working there were educated in the same school system that allowed Vince Young to graduate, I ordered accordingly: scrambled eggs with bacon and white toast. Others I was eating with decided to get fancy. One ordered a Western omelet with tomatoes instead of onions and another ordered their eggs cooked to a specific amount of runniness. Of course these two orders got fucked up. Not only that, their breakfast was delayed because I imagine the cooks couldn’t understand what the hell they wanted.
This applies to a lesser extent when going to a bar. I never order mixed drinks (with the exception of Red Bull and vodka to get me going through an extended bender). It’s always straight beer or straight liquor. Oh, your (insert randomly named drink here) isn’t made just right? Maybe you shouldn’t have ordered it from a bartender who has 17 other people waiting to order. Keep it simple and you’ll get what you want. (Note that this was a round about way to justify drinking straight Jack on the rocks for hours on end). It also applies at coffee shops. Wonder why I drink black coffee? Because ordering something else one of two things happen. Either it’s made wrong or it takes forever to get made.
This doesn’t apply when you go out to eat at higher end places because you can assume that they kind of have their shit together. But don’t go too far from what they do best (i.e. don’t order seafood at a steak restaurant)
Tune in next week when I explain how you can lose 10 pounds the Barney way
Monday, October 13, 2008
What the Duece?
http://www.hofstra.edu/debate/
Seriously? Hofstra? They couldn’t find anywhere better than fucking Hofstra. The final Presidential Debate will be held on glorious Hempstead Turnpike? I’m flabbergasted (Big Word. That’s why I didn’t go to Hofstra). The only way this will be remotely acceptable is if Wayne Chrebet is the moderator. In fact, I’m demanding it.
Seriously? Hofstra? They couldn’t find anywhere better than fucking Hofstra. The final Presidential Debate will be held on glorious Hempstead Turnpike? I’m flabbergasted (Big Word. That’s why I didn’t go to Hofstra). The only way this will be remotely acceptable is if Wayne Chrebet is the moderator. In fact, I’m demanding it.
Texas Toast
You deserve better. You put up with a half ass Texas Toast in August (though I might have redeemed myself with What’s the Deal with Cancer? Episode), but I promise this will be a much improved Texas Toast, with 87% more crazy Texas stuff and 113% more awkward parenting moments from yours truly. And with no bitching about relationships. This one had to justify Brock sending me a picture text message of actual Texas Toast. So we’re cutting the quotes as we normal and just getting straight to the notes from deep in the heart of Texas.
Actually, we’re start with my layover in Atlanta on Friday. I joked last time I was there that I was halfway expecting a strip club within the Atlanta airport. They don’t have that (yet), but Atlanta is different from any other airport I’ve been to yet (and I’ve been to a bunch). I was sitting around waiting for my flight to Dallas when the person sitting next to me said the following, “Tell (forget name) to keep his head up. He’ll finish his bid in a minute.” I then looked up and saw I was approving time cards from my employees. I realized that this might be the least gangsta moment of my life and that my rap career will not happen. I could see that being played out on that Summer Jam screen. There’s no coming back from that. Also fun in the Atlanta airport: Seeing someone walking to the plane with food in his hand and just knowing that it’s Popeye’s Chicken in his hand. Let’s just say that Atlanta’s airport was pretty much reinforcing stereotypes. I also think I saw a member of the Grand Hustle entourage. There was also a Cowboys fan on my flight to Dallas with a laptop. I was surprised that Cowboy fans even knew how to read, never mind use a computer. For you non-Cowboy fans, read on if you dare.
Speaking of reinforcing stereotypes, let’s talk about the Disney Channel’s programming. They have a show called “Handy Manny” in which a Hispanic man has a magic tool box that allows him to fix a multitude of problems. I mean, it’s not as offensive as having their token Spanish show be hosted by a gardener, but it’s pretty close. They also had a commercial asking kids to go outside and play, and the first two kids they showed were two black kids playing basketball. Way to go Disney Channel.
On Saturday, I took my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese. Little did I know that it would have the most security I’ve ever seen. That’s right, Chuck E. Cheese. First off, there was a rope to get in. Then they stamp your hand that can only be viewed under black light. And they check your stamp on the way out, and check you off the list. I’ve gone onto a NASA facility and there was less security than that. I guess they don’t want to lose any kids. Also worth noting was that I had the bright idea to change $10 into Chuck E. Cheese tokens figuring she would enjoying playing the games. Unfortunately, she did not. After two games, she wanted to leave. A solid investment by me I must say. Though considering how the stock market has been, it might be (Oh no, a financial joke. He went there.) So if anyone wants $9.50 in Chuck E. Cheese tokens, holla at your boy.
My daughter apparently likes the TI song, “My Life”. So if she start referring to her friends as “patnas”, you’ll know why. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a big fan of “Swagger Like Us”. I would love to see the other 2 year old faces when she starts talking about her Swag.
On Sunday, we went to the zoo. Because this is Texas, they have to make a few things clear. Like having multiple sings indicating that firearms were prohibited. And I think this was completely warranted. Because I can see someone trying to take out a giraffe to put on their double wide wall. Also, in a feat of urban planning, the zoo was next to a middle school. If the animals escape, I see no issues whatsoever.
After seeing the firearm sign, we got on line to get our tickets into the zoo. In front of us was a guy with “White” tatted on one forearm and “Power” on the other. He also had “100% White” on his neck. Thankfully, he did not speak to me. Because I think the only thing I would have been able to say was, “American History X was a good movie.” The only redeeming thing about this was that Mr. Racist was wearing $15 shoes from Wal Mart that were very beat up. I was not surprised at all by this. Way to reinforce more stereotypes.
I was impressed at the mall we went to in Dallas. They had a whole store for just giant belt buckles. They also had three stores for sports paraphernalia. One was stores was strictly devoted to Dallas Cowboy stuff and the other two were filled with Texas stuff, mostly Vince Young. So if Vince decides to take his pacifier and retire from the NFL, he’ll be just fine in Texas. He’s a demi-god down here. I once heard a sermon on a Christian radio station where they compared Vince Young’s touchdown run against USC to going to Heaven. In that Vince could not accomplish great things until he studied his good book (the playbook), and one won’t meet God until they review their good book (the Bible). I was tempted to call in and tell the pastor that was a broken play and had nothing to do with reading a playbook. And also asking him how Pete Carroll giving the ball the Lendale White on 4th & 1 factored into His plan. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make (in true Barney fashion, it took an extra 75 words to get there), is that it’s really no surprise that Vince reacted the way he did considering how he’s been worshipped down here. The Barney Show, the only place you can get updates on how stereotypes are being played out in contemporary America as well as half balked psychological analysis of NFL players.
I started writing this episode on the plane back home. Since I started this, the person next to me has not been in her seat. I’m almost afraid to ask. Hopefully she returns back to her seat in a different outfit a la Tommy Boy.
Time for a quick side story. Last Friday I went out to the bar to enjoy Saturday being the first day in 19 days I didn’t have to go to work. What did I do? Consumed 14 Jacks, 2 Johnnie Walkers and 2 shots. In 4 hours. The front runner for the quote of the year came from the waitress who said, “I would have cut him off awhile ago, but he was so calm.” That might be my epitaph. So I left the bar with an approximately 0.28 BAC and went to another one. Ok, back to the Toast.
In order to avoid getting a PT Cruiser from the rent a car place again, I made the decision to upgrade to a standard size car even though there was no reason to do so. I thus got a Chevy Impala. I said the phrase, “Cruisin’ in my ’64 Impala” no less than 15 times over the course of the weekend.
In a great example of how I have not been prepared to be a parent in today’s age, I was totally confused as to how to react when my daughter was wearing a pearl necklace. Because the 16 year old in me wanted to laugh. I won’t make any more jokes about that, but two weeks ago, one of the people working for me was investigated by the IT department for googling “black and white pearl necklace” actually looking for jewelry. I was really hoping they came to talk to me about it because I would have lost my shit. Though it did result in me having a discussion with my employee that went, “What the hell did you think would come up when you searched for ‘black and white pearl necklace’?” I’m fairly certain Warren Buffett doesn’t have to deal with these issues.
You know what’s also fun? When I see a good looking girl when I have my daughter with me. We went to lunch on Sunday and the waitress was pretty hot. It has to be funny as I try to make a conscious effort to show my fingers and that there is no ring on it. When she walked by I made sure I was looking at my daughter to show I’m not ignoring her. I have no idea why I actually care. It’s not like I’m going to say, “Hey, she needs a nap. What do you say we go in the back of the kitchen.” Or even better, “How bout you come back to her grandparents house, where I’m staying this weekend.” So this predictably is another Barney Show introspective that goes nowhere. Anyway, it didn’t do any good because I gave a $6.50 tip on a $13.50 bill. You know, in case she has never got it on with a little brother in the room.
Update in case you were wondering: The lady who sat next to me and suspiciously left, she got a seat in the back. Apparently she didn’t want to sit next to me. She could have been a little less obvious by jumping up immediately after the seat belt sign went off.
Finally, I spent Sunday afternoon watching the Cowboy game with a bunch of Cowboy fans. I know, this sounds like the ideal Sunday afternoon to everyone, but it wasn’t as cushy as you’d think. They were actually (gasp!) ignorant of actual football. They didn’t know that Pacman was in a fight this week (in their defense, I don’t think anyone follows Pacman more than me). I had to give them clarification to rules (They wanted a roughing the kicker call on the punt block in overtime.) So not only are they front runner, they don’t know what they’re talking about.
Actually, we’re start with my layover in Atlanta on Friday. I joked last time I was there that I was halfway expecting a strip club within the Atlanta airport. They don’t have that (yet), but Atlanta is different from any other airport I’ve been to yet (and I’ve been to a bunch). I was sitting around waiting for my flight to Dallas when the person sitting next to me said the following, “Tell (forget name) to keep his head up. He’ll finish his bid in a minute.” I then looked up and saw I was approving time cards from my employees. I realized that this might be the least gangsta moment of my life and that my rap career will not happen. I could see that being played out on that Summer Jam screen. There’s no coming back from that. Also fun in the Atlanta airport: Seeing someone walking to the plane with food in his hand and just knowing that it’s Popeye’s Chicken in his hand. Let’s just say that Atlanta’s airport was pretty much reinforcing stereotypes. I also think I saw a member of the Grand Hustle entourage. There was also a Cowboys fan on my flight to Dallas with a laptop. I was surprised that Cowboy fans even knew how to read, never mind use a computer. For you non-Cowboy fans, read on if you dare.
Speaking of reinforcing stereotypes, let’s talk about the Disney Channel’s programming. They have a show called “Handy Manny” in which a Hispanic man has a magic tool box that allows him to fix a multitude of problems. I mean, it’s not as offensive as having their token Spanish show be hosted by a gardener, but it’s pretty close. They also had a commercial asking kids to go outside and play, and the first two kids they showed were two black kids playing basketball. Way to go Disney Channel.
On Saturday, I took my daughter to Chuck E. Cheese. Little did I know that it would have the most security I’ve ever seen. That’s right, Chuck E. Cheese. First off, there was a rope to get in. Then they stamp your hand that can only be viewed under black light. And they check your stamp on the way out, and check you off the list. I’ve gone onto a NASA facility and there was less security than that. I guess they don’t want to lose any kids. Also worth noting was that I had the bright idea to change $10 into Chuck E. Cheese tokens figuring she would enjoying playing the games. Unfortunately, she did not. After two games, she wanted to leave. A solid investment by me I must say. Though considering how the stock market has been, it might be (Oh no, a financial joke. He went there.) So if anyone wants $9.50 in Chuck E. Cheese tokens, holla at your boy.
My daughter apparently likes the TI song, “My Life”. So if she start referring to her friends as “patnas”, you’ll know why. Unfortunately, she wasn’t a big fan of “Swagger Like Us”. I would love to see the other 2 year old faces when she starts talking about her Swag.
On Sunday, we went to the zoo. Because this is Texas, they have to make a few things clear. Like having multiple sings indicating that firearms were prohibited. And I think this was completely warranted. Because I can see someone trying to take out a giraffe to put on their double wide wall. Also, in a feat of urban planning, the zoo was next to a middle school. If the animals escape, I see no issues whatsoever.
After seeing the firearm sign, we got on line to get our tickets into the zoo. In front of us was a guy with “White” tatted on one forearm and “Power” on the other. He also had “100% White” on his neck. Thankfully, he did not speak to me. Because I think the only thing I would have been able to say was, “American History X was a good movie.” The only redeeming thing about this was that Mr. Racist was wearing $15 shoes from Wal Mart that were very beat up. I was not surprised at all by this. Way to reinforce more stereotypes.
I was impressed at the mall we went to in Dallas. They had a whole store for just giant belt buckles. They also had three stores for sports paraphernalia. One was stores was strictly devoted to Dallas Cowboy stuff and the other two were filled with Texas stuff, mostly Vince Young. So if Vince decides to take his pacifier and retire from the NFL, he’ll be just fine in Texas. He’s a demi-god down here. I once heard a sermon on a Christian radio station where they compared Vince Young’s touchdown run against USC to going to Heaven. In that Vince could not accomplish great things until he studied his good book (the playbook), and one won’t meet God until they review their good book (the Bible). I was tempted to call in and tell the pastor that was a broken play and had nothing to do with reading a playbook. And also asking him how Pete Carroll giving the ball the Lendale White on 4th & 1 factored into His plan. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make (in true Barney fashion, it took an extra 75 words to get there), is that it’s really no surprise that Vince reacted the way he did considering how he’s been worshipped down here. The Barney Show, the only place you can get updates on how stereotypes are being played out in contemporary America as well as half balked psychological analysis of NFL players.
I started writing this episode on the plane back home. Since I started this, the person next to me has not been in her seat. I’m almost afraid to ask. Hopefully she returns back to her seat in a different outfit a la Tommy Boy.
Time for a quick side story. Last Friday I went out to the bar to enjoy Saturday being the first day in 19 days I didn’t have to go to work. What did I do? Consumed 14 Jacks, 2 Johnnie Walkers and 2 shots. In 4 hours. The front runner for the quote of the year came from the waitress who said, “I would have cut him off awhile ago, but he was so calm.” That might be my epitaph. So I left the bar with an approximately 0.28 BAC and went to another one. Ok, back to the Toast.
In order to avoid getting a PT Cruiser from the rent a car place again, I made the decision to upgrade to a standard size car even though there was no reason to do so. I thus got a Chevy Impala. I said the phrase, “Cruisin’ in my ’64 Impala” no less than 15 times over the course of the weekend.
In a great example of how I have not been prepared to be a parent in today’s age, I was totally confused as to how to react when my daughter was wearing a pearl necklace. Because the 16 year old in me wanted to laugh. I won’t make any more jokes about that, but two weeks ago, one of the people working for me was investigated by the IT department for googling “black and white pearl necklace” actually looking for jewelry. I was really hoping they came to talk to me about it because I would have lost my shit. Though it did result in me having a discussion with my employee that went, “What the hell did you think would come up when you searched for ‘black and white pearl necklace’?” I’m fairly certain Warren Buffett doesn’t have to deal with these issues.
You know what’s also fun? When I see a good looking girl when I have my daughter with me. We went to lunch on Sunday and the waitress was pretty hot. It has to be funny as I try to make a conscious effort to show my fingers and that there is no ring on it. When she walked by I made sure I was looking at my daughter to show I’m not ignoring her. I have no idea why I actually care. It’s not like I’m going to say, “Hey, she needs a nap. What do you say we go in the back of the kitchen.” Or even better, “How bout you come back to her grandparents house, where I’m staying this weekend.” So this predictably is another Barney Show introspective that goes nowhere. Anyway, it didn’t do any good because I gave a $6.50 tip on a $13.50 bill. You know, in case she has never got it on with a little brother in the room.
Update in case you were wondering: The lady who sat next to me and suspiciously left, she got a seat in the back. Apparently she didn’t want to sit next to me. She could have been a little less obvious by jumping up immediately after the seat belt sign went off.
Finally, I spent Sunday afternoon watching the Cowboy game with a bunch of Cowboy fans. I know, this sounds like the ideal Sunday afternoon to everyone, but it wasn’t as cushy as you’d think. They were actually (gasp!) ignorant of actual football. They didn’t know that Pacman was in a fight this week (in their defense, I don’t think anyone follows Pacman more than me). I had to give them clarification to rules (They wanted a roughing the kicker call on the punt block in overtime.) So not only are they front runner, they don’t know what they’re talking about.
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