I know what you need (You mean besides regular postings to this? These sporadic episodes just aren’t getting it done), it’s a crazy Barney drinking story. Friday night, LA and I went out for “a few drinks” at happy hour. As it usually occurs with me, “a few drinks” turns into a full night. We started out on the patio, and gradually the rest of the people there ended up leaving (probably because it was raining). Not that we noticed it because we were pretty trashed. Somewhere around midnight, a wedding party stopped by the bar. And being that the patio was the only place that could sit 15 people together, they joined us. We started drinking with them. After an hour or so, they were heading back to their hotel, a short walk from the bar, and for whatever reason, invited us. Not being ones to turn down free alcohol, we proceeded to the said hotel.
Now keep in mind, we know absolutely no one in this group. There wasn’t even a highly entertaining person in this group. We got invited and didn’t ask questions. The first thing that occurred when we got to the hotel, was the groom wanted to make a speech. He was unable to find the bottle of champagne he had saved for the occasion. Me, being the gentleman that I am, agreed to help him look for it. It wasn’t in the first fridge, but I was able to find a second fridge that had the bottle in it. Unfortunately, I took the refrigerator out of the wall in order to do so. So that Marriot might need to get another refrigerator because I do not have the basic manually dexterity to do the complex job of opening a refrigerator door.
Undeterred by this, the groom made his speech. He then passed the champagne bottle around to his friends who said what they had to say, and then passed it on to the next one. It somehow was given to me (don’t ask me why this group had allowed me to stay up until this point), I then proceeded to give my true feelings for this moment. “I don’t know any of you, but you seem like good people, so congratulations. And thanks for the alcohol.” (Commence taking ginormous slug of champagne). You stay classy, Barney.
I ended up crashing around 4 in the morning. This wouldn’t be bad if I didn’t have to be up at 8 to go to work. Not just the normal, “Barney’s the only one working on a weekend” stuff, but the two most important clients would be there this weekend. I roll out of bed at 8:15, head right to the bathroom and puke some water up. Not only that, I somehow get a bloody nose, so I’m dripping blood as well (I swear I’m not doing coke). I take a quick shower. Even classier, I never made it home the night before, so I’ll have to wear the same clothes I wore the day before. Me being the bright one that I am, I decide that I might be able to fool people if I change my shirt. So the best choice was one of the free t-shirts the Wizards gave to everyone at one of their playoff games (this was a decidedly better choice than my first selection: an undersized field hockey t-shirt that apparently had a rip in it and a picture of a girl on the back (not that my drunk ass noticed). Now that would have been a great way to show up to work.) So I roll up to work at 9 with a free t-shirt on, unshaven, and with another shirt in my hand. I must have been the picture of professionalism. Oh, and I was still drunk. I still had a buzz until noon. Can someone please explain to me how I not only still have a job, but I’m actually good at what I do? If you can, I’d appreciate it.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday Morning Hangover
I’m glad that my blog is so influential that I now have people from ESPN taking my shtick. If you haven’t noticed, DJ Gallo’s weekly column is entitled “NFL Hangover.” I’m sure some of you are saying, “But Barney, you blatantly stole your title from Peter King.” And you’d be 100% correct. And I’m not even upset, because DJ Gallo is probably 10 times funnier than me. So do I have a point? Like most of the time, I don’t. I just wanted to point something out. And I’ll segue that into the Awfulness Rankings.
Terrible: Big East. South Florida had a decent win over Kansas. This will probably be the biggest win for the Big East this year.
Horrible: ACC. Maryland beating Cal nearly made up for losing to Middle Tennessee. Also, Mid Tenn went right to the wire with Kentucky.
Awful: The Big 10. After Ohio State’s shitfest, I would recommend that the Big 10 be relegated to I-AA or whatever the hell they’re calling it for now. That was an absolutely awful performance. Michigan didn’t help by getting handled by Notre Dame.
Worth noting that if USC lost on Saturday, the Pac 10 would have a case to be in the Horrible position considering UCLA’s even bigger dump than Ohio State. Alright, we’re done with this segment (it’s already losing steam after two weeks). Other thoughts on the weekend in football.
Ohio State may suck spectacularly, but will be watchable once they get Tyrelle Pryor in the game on every down. I’m glad Jim Tressel decided to use his best qb only sporadically in the biggest game of the year. Please go out and buy his new book on how to succeed in life.
So you’re telling me Brett Favre would throw a poorly thrown ball that would prove to be the game changing interception? You’re kidding me. That’s not like him at all. And you wonder why I wasn’t giddy over his signing. Another year of chasing after the Wild Card.
That was a terrible call, but honestly, I can’t be mad at Ed Hochuli. He’s provided too much entertainment over the years. Also, he was in Runner’s World this month as their celebrity runner which caused me to say under my breath while on the train, “Holy shit, it’s Ed fucking Hochuli.” Now that’s a proven best practice in getting a seat to yourself: Random comments about specific NFL officials.
This was a piss poor attempt this week. Saturday I had an excuse because I spent all day getting my car fixed, and it wasn’t even finished (time for Brock to bring back the “Towed Lumies” fantasy football team name). So I pretty much just caught the USC trouncing. Sunday I was a waste, though I’m not sure I would have many comments anyway.
Terrible: Big East. South Florida had a decent win over Kansas. This will probably be the biggest win for the Big East this year.
Horrible: ACC. Maryland beating Cal nearly made up for losing to Middle Tennessee. Also, Mid Tenn went right to the wire with Kentucky.
Awful: The Big 10. After Ohio State’s shitfest, I would recommend that the Big 10 be relegated to I-AA or whatever the hell they’re calling it for now. That was an absolutely awful performance. Michigan didn’t help by getting handled by Notre Dame.
Worth noting that if USC lost on Saturday, the Pac 10 would have a case to be in the Horrible position considering UCLA’s even bigger dump than Ohio State. Alright, we’re done with this segment (it’s already losing steam after two weeks). Other thoughts on the weekend in football.
Ohio State may suck spectacularly, but will be watchable once they get Tyrelle Pryor in the game on every down. I’m glad Jim Tressel decided to use his best qb only sporadically in the biggest game of the year. Please go out and buy his new book on how to succeed in life.
So you’re telling me Brett Favre would throw a poorly thrown ball that would prove to be the game changing interception? You’re kidding me. That’s not like him at all. And you wonder why I wasn’t giddy over his signing. Another year of chasing after the Wild Card.
That was a terrible call, but honestly, I can’t be mad at Ed Hochuli. He’s provided too much entertainment over the years. Also, he was in Runner’s World this month as their celebrity runner which caused me to say under my breath while on the train, “Holy shit, it’s Ed fucking Hochuli.” Now that’s a proven best practice in getting a seat to yourself: Random comments about specific NFL officials.
This was a piss poor attempt this week. Saturday I had an excuse because I spent all day getting my car fixed, and it wasn’t even finished (time for Brock to bring back the “Towed Lumies” fantasy football team name). So I pretty much just caught the USC trouncing. Sunday I was a waste, though I’m not sure I would have many comments anyway.
Friday, September 12, 2008
What Has Science Done for Me Lately?
Science has been focused recently on accelerating particles at tremendous speeds to potentially recreate the Big Bang scenario. I'm sure this will bring a wealth of knowledge to our world, but how does that help me? I need science to help me out in my day to day life.
http://alcalc.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/agn065
That will do just fine. I can now say it's scientifically proven that it's not completely my fault. I now plan on printing this out and taking the abstract out with me to bars so I can console myself in the morning with science.
http://alcalc.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/agn065
That will do just fine. I can now say it's scientifically proven that it's not completely my fault. I now plan on printing this out and taking the abstract out with me to bars so I can console myself in the morning with science.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Monday Morning Hangover - Week 1
Welcome to this season’s inaugural edition of Monday Morning Hangover, The Barney Show’s weekend football wrap up. Last week, we had some technical difficulties (i.e. my laptop wouldn’t turn on) that prevented us from getting into the first weekend of college football. This week’s results didn’t change my opinion as to what I wanted to do last weekend. In fact, they bolstered them. Going forward, we’ll have a Barney Show exclusive: NCAA Awfulness Index. We’ll be tracking week by week, which conference is the most awful: The Big Ten, ACC or Big East. We’ll be using the Bill Walton scale of awfulness with terrible being the best, horrible in between and awful as the conference in the history of Western Civilization. So who’s the most awful after two weeks?
Terrible: The Big Ten. In the first two weeks, Michigan has lost to Utah at home, Ohio St and Michigan got scares at home from MAC teams and Illinois got whacked by Missouri. That is terrible from a conference that considers itself to be good. Anyway, the entire season will be decided next week. If Ohio State can beat USC in the Coliseum, then the Big Ten is permanently off the Awful Index and they will be justified in getting blown out by an SEC team in the National Championship. If they get beaten badly, the Big Ten should start thinking about going I-AA.
Horrible: The Big East. West Virginia, thanks for coming out. I could see this one coming and was even going to write in last weeks Hangover that “I’m looking forward to seeing East Carolina-WVa. I have a feeling that East Carolina will take them.” Since I couldn’t use my laptop last weekend, I could be lying. But I’m not right very often, so I need to take credit when I can.
Awful: ACC. When your conference’s best performance is losing 26-3 or whatever Miami lost to Florida by, you have problems. Within the first 90 seconds of the Alabama-Clemson game, I said, “Alabama is going to beat their asses tonight.” And I was proven right. Virginia Tech lost to East Carolina earlier in the day. So when you’re top 2 teams get beaten (and more importantly, outplayed) on neutral fields by unranked teams, you official are awful. Also, Maryland lost to Middle Tennesse State. In fact, based on East Carolina’s wins, I’d rank Conference USA over both the Big East and ACC.
Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we’ll go on to the NFL games this weekend. Oh, right. I didn’t see any NFL action this week because I was working. But based on the limited amount I’ve seen, here are some thoughts.
Brett Favre throwing jump balls in the end zone for touchdowns. They’re trying to give me a heart attack this season. If the Jets have to live and die by Brett’s decisions in the red zone this year, it just might have a nervous breakdown.
I also approve of the no kicker policy. I advocated for this after Mike Nugent missed a 23 yarder to tie a pre-season game. I actually wrote this, but never put it up on the Barney Show because I never got past the AFC East in my NFL Preview. “I’m not looking forward to anything involving the kicker at all. I think they should institute a team wide policy of either punting or going for it on fourth down.” So this is the second instance of me being right that I’m asking you to believe. I might be pushing it.
I’m glad I used a keeper pick on Tom Brady. I enjoy getting a text at 1:22 during week 1 saying my fantasy season is over. Speaking of fantasy, he might have not even been starting since I didn’t actually look at my roster since the draft on Monday. I’m glad I entered a fantasy football league when FF is blocked at work. I’ll be very active on the trade wire.
On the good side, however, this does give the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets a better chance of winning their division. So there is that.
If Chad Ocho Cinco changed his name for nothing, I’m going to be very pissed. Half the reason I picked him was so I could look at my roster every week and at least laugh at something. For the record, I think this is one of the most entertaining things an athlete has ever done. The Bengals are already a joke. They might as well make it official.
If you’re asking, “Barney, why didn’t you just work on Saturday during a shitty slate of college games so you could work on Sunday” that would be a very good question. The answer to that is two pronged. First, there was a tropical storm passing through on Saturday which made transportation a bit of a problem. Second, I got pretty drunk Friday night, though not nearly as bad as Stan Man. He had one of the all-time great ideas when he decided, “You know what, this walk back to my apartment isn’t fun enough. Punching random cars as I walk by would spice things up.” Of course, like the third one he hit had a group of four Mexicans in it, so we nearly got our asses beat. Stan Man was a shrewd negotiator though. When one of us tried to explain that he was really drunk, Stan Man fell right on his face and came up bleeding. It was almost like that story in Training Day where the guy puts peanut butter in his ass and eats it right in front of the judge. Except those were real cuts. Me and Stan Man should not be allowed to go out together, ever.
In summary, the highlight of the weekend was watching the Ohio-Ohio St game and seeing that they had a quarterback named Boo Jackson. I was hoping he was Bo’s illegitimate child, but alas, it was not to be. Now I’m just confused if he actually knows how close his name is to a legend and if this factored into someone giving them that nickname. We shall never know.
Terrible: The Big Ten. In the first two weeks, Michigan has lost to Utah at home, Ohio St and Michigan got scares at home from MAC teams and Illinois got whacked by Missouri. That is terrible from a conference that considers itself to be good. Anyway, the entire season will be decided next week. If Ohio State can beat USC in the Coliseum, then the Big Ten is permanently off the Awful Index and they will be justified in getting blown out by an SEC team in the National Championship. If they get beaten badly, the Big Ten should start thinking about going I-AA.
Horrible: The Big East. West Virginia, thanks for coming out. I could see this one coming and was even going to write in last weeks Hangover that “I’m looking forward to seeing East Carolina-WVa. I have a feeling that East Carolina will take them.” Since I couldn’t use my laptop last weekend, I could be lying. But I’m not right very often, so I need to take credit when I can.
Awful: ACC. When your conference’s best performance is losing 26-3 or whatever Miami lost to Florida by, you have problems. Within the first 90 seconds of the Alabama-Clemson game, I said, “Alabama is going to beat their asses tonight.” And I was proven right. Virginia Tech lost to East Carolina earlier in the day. So when you’re top 2 teams get beaten (and more importantly, outplayed) on neutral fields by unranked teams, you official are awful. Also, Maryland lost to Middle Tennesse State. In fact, based on East Carolina’s wins, I’d rank Conference USA over both the Big East and ACC.
Ok, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we’ll go on to the NFL games this weekend. Oh, right. I didn’t see any NFL action this week because I was working. But based on the limited amount I’ve seen, here are some thoughts.
Brett Favre throwing jump balls in the end zone for touchdowns. They’re trying to give me a heart attack this season. If the Jets have to live and die by Brett’s decisions in the red zone this year, it just might have a nervous breakdown.
I also approve of the no kicker policy. I advocated for this after Mike Nugent missed a 23 yarder to tie a pre-season game. I actually wrote this, but never put it up on the Barney Show because I never got past the AFC East in my NFL Preview. “I’m not looking forward to anything involving the kicker at all. I think they should institute a team wide policy of either punting or going for it on fourth down.” So this is the second instance of me being right that I’m asking you to believe. I might be pushing it.
I’m glad I used a keeper pick on Tom Brady. I enjoy getting a text at 1:22 during week 1 saying my fantasy season is over. Speaking of fantasy, he might have not even been starting since I didn’t actually look at my roster since the draft on Monday. I’m glad I entered a fantasy football league when FF is blocked at work. I’ll be very active on the trade wire.
On the good side, however, this does give the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets a better chance of winning their division. So there is that.
If Chad Ocho Cinco changed his name for nothing, I’m going to be very pissed. Half the reason I picked him was so I could look at my roster every week and at least laugh at something. For the record, I think this is one of the most entertaining things an athlete has ever done. The Bengals are already a joke. They might as well make it official.
If you’re asking, “Barney, why didn’t you just work on Saturday during a shitty slate of college games so you could work on Sunday” that would be a very good question. The answer to that is two pronged. First, there was a tropical storm passing through on Saturday which made transportation a bit of a problem. Second, I got pretty drunk Friday night, though not nearly as bad as Stan Man. He had one of the all-time great ideas when he decided, “You know what, this walk back to my apartment isn’t fun enough. Punching random cars as I walk by would spice things up.” Of course, like the third one he hit had a group of four Mexicans in it, so we nearly got our asses beat. Stan Man was a shrewd negotiator though. When one of us tried to explain that he was really drunk, Stan Man fell right on his face and came up bleeding. It was almost like that story in Training Day where the guy puts peanut butter in his ass and eats it right in front of the judge. Except those were real cuts. Me and Stan Man should not be allowed to go out together, ever.
In summary, the highlight of the weekend was watching the Ohio-Ohio St game and seeing that they had a quarterback named Boo Jackson. I was hoping he was Bo’s illegitimate child, but alas, it was not to be. Now I’m just confused if he actually knows how close his name is to a legend and if this factored into someone giving them that nickname. We shall never know.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
NFL Preview
I honestly was going to do a team by team analysis of things I was looking forward to this year. I even got the AFC East completed. But then I saw this, and realized, I could not top this:
http://radaronline.com/features/2008/08/nfl_season_scandal_pacman_jones_michael_vick_adrian_awasom_01.php
Mine would basically be a rehashing of that, so I’ll just save myself 4 hours and just copy and paste a link. Also, I was about to write this years first edition of Monday Morning Hangover on Sunday when my computer crashed. So I’m not sure if I’ll be completing that this week. I astound myself sometimes with my level of commitment to this blog.
http://radaronline.com/features/2008/08/nfl_season_scandal_pacman_jones_michael_vick_adrian_awasom_01.php
Mine would basically be a rehashing of that, so I’ll just save myself 4 hours and just copy and paste a link. Also, I was about to write this years first edition of Monday Morning Hangover on Sunday when my computer crashed. So I’m not sure if I’ll be completing that this week. I astound myself sometimes with my level of commitment to this blog.
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