If September wasn’t my work month from hell, we would be cuing up “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” right about now. The oppressive heat and humidity are clearing. The tourists have gone home. Oh, and football’s starting. So without further ado, I present to you the internet’s least informed football preview. In fact, I’m not even messing with doing separate college and pro previews. We’re doing this in one shot, twenty questions style. One for each BCS League, one for each NFL division and then six additional random questions. Press on dear reader, there might actually be one useful football related observation. And if there is one, here’s my disclaimer that you’re a full fledged retard if you use information from someone who is nicknamed after a purple dinosaur for gambling purposes. Please note: All college questions were done prior to last Saturday. I have not adjusted anything with regards to the Big 12 for posterity purposes even though it makes my point got a huge endorsement this past weekend.
ACC
Remember when Miami-Florida State on Labor Day would have been the highlight of your weekend?
Yup, reason number 2,397 I feel old. Now, I’d be more interested in an alumni game before the actual one. While I’d love to see Deion covering Michael Irvin, I would positively be thrilled to see the Chris Wienke/Vinny Testeverde matchup (In the immortal words of Nasty Nate, “How ‘bout this matchup?”). I’m not kidding.
The Pick: Florida State because I’m a sucker for schools on probation. Plus I now have to root against Virginia Tech since their alumni disowned Ookie.
Big 10
Can you relate the Big 10 to a Homer Simpson philosophy?
I sure can (If you couldn’t tell by the title of this episode, this will be the football preview that uses the most Simpsons references by far). To paraphrase the immortal Max Powers, there are three ways a conference can play football: the right way, the wrong way and the Big 10 way. But isn’t that the wrong way, you say? Yes, but slower.
(The Max Power line is like a fine wine in that it gets better with age. I feel I’m using that more and more as time goes on.)
The Pick, aka which team wins the right to shit the bed in January: I think Ohio State would win regardless (Pryor is the difference because of that remarkable 40 time which if you believe the time, is faster than Usain Bolt. Let’s just say I’m a little skeptical about anyone from THE Ohio State University operating a stop watch, never mind them operating it correctly. I see them getting all screwed up with the reset function and the university having a $40,000 budget every year for stop watches because they use them one time and throw them out), but there’s way too many Penn State alums down here and I don’t want to deal with that crap. /chugs bottle of haterade
Big 12
Why should I not pick Oklahoma?
Because Sam Bradford is an idiot and didn’t learn anything from Matt Leinhart. If you’re going to be the first pick in the draft, you come out no questions asked. You’ll remember this when a loss to Texas in Dallas ends up costing you $20 M. Is banging college freshman for six months really worth that much (plus don’t forget the child support ol Matty is picking up for that extra year)?
(Though some may argue it was worth $20 M not to go to Detroit. If so, then that is an acceptable answer.)
The Pick: Texas. Colt McCoy grew a hideous mustache this summer. That’s all I need.
Big East
I know the Big East is shitty. How can they get shittier?
Its pretty tough to top your BCS representative just joined your conference out of Conference USA. I say, go all the way and be out right terrible by bringing all the basketball schools in conference join I-A (I refuse to call it Bowl Subdivision or whatever the hell its called). Hello Georgetown. Welcome to the big time, Marquette. DePaul, do you even have a football program? These are mere details. We’ll do anything we can to get Syracuse to 3 wins.
The Pick: Do I have to? Ok, fine. Rutgers. If only so I can reflect back on the time we made a trip down there and Radio ended up passing out in some girl’s room. I asked if he got any when he woke up the next morning. He said he didn’t remember. Then the girl whose room he passed out in came in and said, “No he didn’t. He passed out on the floor with his pants around his ankles. Oh and he pissed on the floor.” She then proceeded to produce a picture of Radio face down on the floor with his pants down. Let’s just say that was a fun trip back to the Boken, even better when we got back and sent the picture out to everyone and their mom. (You won’t get this info in any other football preview out there, will you?)
But in actuality, no one wins when they have to watch the Big East play football. Except the bookies. They always win.
Pac 10
The Pac 10 comes on late Saturday night, and I’m usually too wasted to stay up and watch. Can you give me a reason to chug some Red Bull and Vodka to catch the games?
Oregon State is putting its star wide out Jacquizz Rodgersin the qb spot for some plays. And since every school has to incorporate their mascot into this offenses name, what do you get? That’s right, the Wild Beaver. Not just that, but the announcers will say, “Jacquizz in the Wild Beaver”. You can say it: I just made your Saturdays for the next few months. You’re welcome.
The Pick: Besides everyone if Oregon State runs this offense? Alright, I still don’t think anyone stops USC.
SEC
Is it possible that the SEC got even more entertaining?
Why yes it is. Let me answer that question with another question. Have you been monitoring what Lane Kiffin has been doing this off season? I won’t go into details (you can google it yourself) but it has been tremendous. Just get ready for next years road trip to Tennessee. We’re going to Lynchburg (for obvious reasons). Maybe Memphis, if only to start a petition that they erect a monument to the Triple 6’s Oscar. And definitely Knoxville to see the Sun Sphere (and get some sweet discounts on wigs) and watch a Lane Kiffin practice.
The Pick: I think you have to go with Florida. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a national champ returning its top 22 on one side of the ball. It will be interesting when the nation turns on Tim Tebow through no real fault of their own, but out of sheer media over saturation. When it does, he and Tyler Hansborough should start a support group.
AFC East
If the coaches of the AFC East were playing a game of Clue, what would be their preferred method of killing people?
Belichick: The knife. He would walk up to you casually, smile, then stick it in. And he would hold you up against a wall and watch the life drip out of you. And it would conveniently be next to a security camera. But oh no, that’s not going to get you justice. That’s Ol’ Billy Boy’s camera.
Sporano: Him and Parcells would have a meeting about this at a fancy restaurant to discuss. They’d settle on the car bomb once they got to dessert, and then go back to considering how to incorporate Pat White into their offense. (Note: I don’t think car bombs are in Clue.
Rex Ryan: Louisville slugger. Kids today use that aluminum crap. Rex is old school like that.
Juaron: He’d send JP Losman to kill you with a spork.
The Pick: From that last one, you can tell who I pick to finish last. Kind of hard to not go against the Pats.
AFC North
I’m preparing to do a modern remake of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs”. Would I be able to do all my casting in the AFC North? You sure could. Here’s your first seven calls to make:Rapey: Ben Roethlisberger
Stabby: Ray Lewis
Flabby: Andre Smith
Punchy: James Harrison
Droppy: Braylon Edwards (though Limas Sweed is all set to step in if Braylon declines)
Hairy: Joe Flacco’s Eyebrow (Not Joe Flacco, just his eyebrow. The best part of this would be the opening credits when they say, “And Introducing – Joe Flacco’s Eyebrow”)
Doc: Scariest words you can here in a hospital? Paging Doctor OchoCinco. Paging Doctor OchoCinco. Please report to emergency surgery.
Don’t start thinking about this unless you have some time on your hands. Because I spent like 30 minutes going through more variations. In fact, I was able to come up with a cast made up entirely of recent Tennessee Titans. Let’s go with that:Drinky: Kerry Collins
Stompy: Albert Haynesworth
Rainy: Pacman Jones
Tubby: Lendale White
Holey: Steve McNair (What? Too soon?)
Itchy: Jeff Fischer’s Mustache
Doc: Vince Young (Imagine VY coming into your room to see how you were doing. First off, he has to come in without a shirt on. Then he reads your charts upside down. Finally, when he tells you that you have cancer, the conversation ends with you telling him he has everything to live for. This might be scarier than OchoCinco doing surgery…and twittering at the same time.)
The Pick: Baltimore. Ray Rice looks to add a reason to actually watch Baltimore’s offense this year. That’ll be enough to put them over Pittsburgh. (Wait a second. Was that? Yes, I think it was. Actual football analysis.)
AFC South
Could you think of a more boring division?
Not only do three teams reside in the three blandest locales in the league, but these teams have the collective Barney Show ranking of negative 47. Since Matt Jones (Who? Matt Jones) left Jacksonville, has anyone in this division gotten arrested? Where’s the fun in that? Don’t these players know they’re in the NFL now and getting arrested triggers a bonus? Vince Young is carrying this division.
The pick: Tennessee. Indy falls back a bit now that Dungy has left to do more important things like resurrecting Ookie’s career. You’re doing the Barney Show’s work now Tony. Also, Houston is a chic pick this year. Just remember they’re one play away from Rex Grossman entering the game.
AFC West
Has there ever been a worse collection of coaches in one division than the AFC West this year?
Josh McDaniels has gone out of his way to irritate Denver fans. If he was a diplomat, we would be in a nuclear war with North Korea right now to gain back those two idiot reporters who thought it was a good idea to go wandering into North Korea (I can’t wait to read this again in January to see how wrong I was and saying, “Wow. That joke just did not stand the test of time.”) Todd Haley might be the biggest prick I’ve ever seen. Tom Cable has turned meetings into Fight Club. When Norv Turner is clearly the best coach in your division, you have problem.
The Pick: I think this one answers itself by the above paragraph: San Diego.
NFC East
Which group of fans will I hate the least this year?Well, the Giants have a movie coming out how pathetic the lives of one of their fans is. Cowboys fans have the world’s most expensive stadium so you know they’ll be extra pretentious this year (Everything’s bigger in Texas. Go fuck yourself you stupid city). Washington fans are more concerned about who is the 3rd string quarterback than the fact that their offensive line sucks. And Eagles fans cheered Ookie. Well, that was easy. “Fly, Eagles, Fly.”
The Pick: Eagles. While the Giants do have great line play, I think I could get some run for them at wide out. I would punch out Santa Claus in front of my daughter, rip off his beard and then call him a fraud to have McNabb get hurt and Vick lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl. The collective media shit storm would be awesome.
NFC North
If you were at a college party, which guys would the quarterbacks of the NFC North be? And could you rank them in order which you would most likely want to fight them?
Aaron Rodgers – He’d be that senior who really never let loose his first three years in college and is now trying to make it all up last semester. You kind of know him (Note: I repeatedly called Aaron Rodgers “Aaron Brooks” multiple times this summer. What is it with me and getting QB’s in green uniforms wrong). You want him to get drunk, maybe get laid. But there’s always the chance he’ll go a little too far and next thing you know, he’s peeing off a balcony. And that’s when you need to check him. You really don’t want to, but you have to out of general principle.
Matthew Stafford: Stafford would be the freshman who has a sick car and a girlfriend who is still in high school that is ridiculously hot who came up to visit for the weekend. He shows up to the party and gets a little too drunk. Starts running his mouth a bit. You realize he’s kind of a prick, but he hasn’t done anything that would justify knocking him out. So after he gets a bit too drunk after trying to hang with upper classmen in beer pong, you start trying to nail his girlfriend, statutory charges be damned. (Note: I think this was O’s MO at every party we had)
Brett Favre: He’d be the alum who comes back for a weekend. At first, everything is cool. He’s buying your broke asses premium shots. Telling some good stories of his parties back in the day. Then he starts making snide remarks about your monetary situation when buying drinks. And then he starts flirting with your girlfriend and telling he how much of a big shot he is at his company. And when the fists are about to fly, he leaves the bar saying he has better places to be. But what you didn’t know is that he got your girlfriends number and will be calling her in 30 minutes.
Jay Cutler: Definitely has a popped collar. Bitching about how the Hamptons were too crowded this summer. Basically, he’d be hanging out in Georgetown (I’ve been away from NY too long to know what the equivalent is now). And the one time I spent more than 30 minutes in Georgetown, I was asking Matty Ice to pick out random people and I ripped on them. And then had to be separated from someone who didn’t even say anything to me.
For the record, Dante Culpepper would be the one I most want to party with. And that’s not out of NFC North quarterbacks. That might be out of anyone in the world. Boat Party!
The pick: I guess Green Bay, just so I don’t have to root for Cutlerfucker or Favre.
NFC South
The NFC South looks like a balanced division. Can you give me one reason why each team can and one reason why they won’t win the division?
Sure, why not. It’s not like I have anything better to go with.
Atlanta:
Why they can win: Tony Gonzalez joins Matt Ryan and Michael Turner to make the Falcons one of the most exciting offenses in the league.
Why they won’t win: Matt Ryan is on the verge of being on of the best Irish Catholic athletes I can remember and he goes and fucks it up by calling himself “Matty Ice” (Looks self in the mirror. Suddenly looking like a black pot).
Carolina: Why the can win: They have one of the league’s best rushing tandems and Julius Peppers returns with the franchise tag. And Steve Smith is still a bad man.
Why they won’t win: Jake F’ing Delohomme
New Orleans:
Why they can win: Drew Brees and that passing attack will keep them in any game (Don’t you like how these first sentences of each team sound like an actual sportswriter?)
Why they won’t win: Sean Payton spent his off season writing a screenplay about a kid who gains the power to control NFL games through Madden. I’m not making that up. That’s what he did with his free time.
Tampa Bay: Raheem Morris brings a fresh face to South Florida. Aww, who am I kidding. Tampa is going to suck.
The Pick: If you can’t tell, I’m a little on the fence here. I guess Atlanta. A Philly-Atlanta conference championship would be filled with Ookie goodness.
NFC West
Why should I watch this division?I have no good answer to that. My advice if you have to watch an NFC West game: Make it a Cardinals game, get hammered, and anytime Chris Wells gets a carry crank that Beanie Siegel song where the hook just goes “BEANIE, Siegel was the name that the gave me.” Call him the Broadstreet Bully when he scores a touchdown. In fact, make all the Cardinals members of State Property. Kurt Warner has a beard. So does Freeway. Get creative. Then put “Roc the Mic”, take your shirt off and do the Dam Dash dance. Now there’s a fun Sunday.
The Pick: Do I have to? Ok, fine San Francisco.
Reader: OK, thank God. He’s gotten through 14 of these questions. Only 6 more to go.
Barney: We’re only just getting started. Six more “wild card” questions. Gimmicky!
What was the most overblown story of the offseason?
It was tough to beat the Brett Favre shit show (And yes, I’m waiting for the Jets to file tampering charges. Do you think Favre asks out if Minnesota hasn’t called him? One 2nd round pick please Mr. Goddell), but it got eclipsed the first night of the season (Ok, I know it technically isn’t the off season. But give me a break). Blount throws one punch, spends the next day all over the 24 hour news cycle and then gets suspended for a year. First off, it was one punch. Second, I’d at least like to hear what was said to provoke him. Would he have been suspended if something racist was said? I’d at least like to hear that before the University of Oregon caved like the hippies that they are.
Maybe I’m just immune to it. I was at the bar when his suspension got announced and someone said, “Punching? What is this, the NBA?” Touche my friend, touché.
Any J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets thoughts?
Of course. I have to say, I could not be more thrilled with the Rex Ryan era. As the kids say in the streets these days, the Jets now have, “swag.” (Did I use that right?) In fact, he even came up with his own name for it: “swagalicious”. He’s already gotten in a verbal spat with Chrowder from Miami and told New England he isn’t coming to kiss their rings. It’s like he’s taken G-Unit Marketing 101. Even if they don’t win, they’ll at least be entertaining. They can just go to stock footage of his dad choking his OC.
As for Mangenious, he tried to keep his starting QB a secret until gametime so Minnesota had to game plan for both. Who broke his starter? TO via Twitter. That’s not exactly Jay Glazer, I must say. Me thinks the Jets got the better of that deal.
(Not saying anything about Sanchez. Too afraid to jinx it)
What was the biggest cocktease of the summer?
The state of Delaware legalizing sports gambling on individual games, but then having it reversed by a federal court. In the words of Kent Brockman, “I’ve said it before. Democracy simply doesn’t work.” (Thus smashing the world record for Simpsons references in a football preview). So fuck you even more Delaware. You stupid little state can be annexed by Canada for all I care. (Yes, I know they have multigame parlays, but it’s not the same. I would have moved them into at least my top 40 states if they had just promised that. I thought we were going to double team in the back of a Kia Rio, Instead I got a pity handjob in the back alley. Feel free to use that last analogy, Delaware. It sure beats “The First State”.)
What’s going to be the most entertaining story of the season?Definitely the Merriman-Tila Tequila trial. I can’t wait for that one. I’m sure the Norv will handle the situation deftly. It also resulted in it being reported that San Diego GM AJ Smith did not like hearing about Merriman on Page 6. If this results in the first NFL trade because of Page 6, I’m all for it.
How’d your fantasy draft go? Because I’m dying to know about a team that isn’t mine.I’m glad you asked. I had the last pick of the 4th round and the first of the 5th. I already had AD, Brady and Andre Johnson (we only have 6 teams so you can end up with that type of quality). I was primed to take Brandon Jacobs and Greg Jennings. And then Brock had to go and take Jacobs, that fuck. I had to settle inevitably for Clinton Portis. It’s almost fate at this point. I don’t think there’s been a year where I haven’t ended up with him.
Barney after round 5: “Oh boy, things kind of escalated there pretty quickly.”
Champ: “Barney, I saw you pick Lee Evans.”
Oh well, at least my team name is Original Hipsters. And our logo is Dan Cotese’s face. I’m awesome. In a related story, I’m single.
Let’s sum this up on a positive note. The Barney Show is for the kids. What lessons can we tell them?
Don’t ever come back to college if you’re a top 5 pick
Never date celebrities who got famous through the internet
As always, Delaware sucks
Jay Cutler’s an asshat
Enjoy watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs the same ever again.
And with that, I’ll let you start the season.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
"When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker"
We’ll get to the above quote soon enough. It makes a lot more sense when you realize Brock came down to the Dirty this weekend (I can see the light bulb going on above your head). Brock decided to make a trip for his birthday after plans for a boat trip fell apart. Basically I wasn’t coming if we couldn’t reenact the Vikings boat trip. The procurement of strippers across state lines wasn’t happening as efficiently as I would have liked which put the whole operation in jeopardy. Instead, I was able to get my hands on some Redskins tickets. Then we went on a road trip to North Carolina. Why? Why not is a better question. I’m like the John Lennon of getting drunk in new locations.
Let’s first get to the football game. Brock brought his A game of heckling and actually had a bit of a following in the upper deck. He called out a Patriots fan for looking like Jimmy Fallon and another one for stealing Rick James’s hair. A solid performance on his part. We stopped on the way home to see the White House and I have to admire both our restraints in not making a penis joke about the Washington Monument across the way.
Saturday morning we climbed in a rented Kia Rio (nothing says ballin’ like a Kia) to start our trip to North Carolina. Just to be prepared, I bought a liter of liquor for myself. We fueled ourselves with the worst meal I think I’ve ever had. A sausage and egg on a croissant and hash browns from Dunkin’ Donuts. I can’t even describe how bad this tasted. Before leaving, Brock was called “The Governor” by some random chick at the Double D (Here’s your advertising idea, Dunkin’ Donuts: Get rid of the “America Runs on Dunkin”. Because if they all did, there would be a horrible shortage of available bathrooms if they ate your breakfast sandwiches. Embrace the Double D. Because who doesn’t like saying that? Either that or go with “Throw some D’s on it”. You’re Welcome.) He then tried to get a picture with her, but she flat out refused him. Rousing start to the trip.
We arrived in Durham, North Carolina and stopped by Duke University. You would think you would reach a point where you got tired of rape jokes. You would be wrong. I was considering buying a Duke Lacrosse hat and then bumping The Lox’s “Rapin’ You Records” skit. We stopped by what was easily the least impressive college stadiums I’ve ever seen. I think I’ve seen high schools with better facilities. Coach K must be having some of the best “assistant coaches” in the world to get the recruits he gets. And by “assistant coaches” I mean the ones who have offices in student dorm rooms and are named Buffy and Suzy.
Then we went to UNC and saw the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, the student bookstore was closed when we got there so I wasn’t able to blow $200 on Tarheel merchandise. Don’t worry. Keep reading and I’ll blow it in an even more impressive fashion. After that it was off to dinner which allowed Drunken Barney to come out. Let the fun begin. Some of the highlights of the night:
- We went to a bar which brewed it’s own beer. There was a microbrewery right next to a wall size picture of a young MJ. Seeing that I had the two things that I enjoy most, we proceeded to order Patron shots. I think we had 5 rounds plus some beers and the bill came to $72. Hooray cheap southern living.
- Being genuinely upset when North Carolina did not have someone at the Va border with their shirt off swinging it over their head like a helicopter. Has Petey Pablo taught us nothing?
- Going to a bar with a 37 year old bar tender. She started talking to us. Brock putting the following quote from me on Facebook: “I demand we double team her in the back of the Kia Rio.” I’m classy.
- Going to a bar that had the word “Player’s” in the name that was not a strip club. I was shocked.
- We went to another bar called the Library. I don’t think they get this whole bar naming thing in Chapel Hill, but it’s not like that stopped me from ordering Henn Rock shots. The next thing I know, I’m being woken up and I’m sleeping in the front seat of the Kia.
- Being woken up to go into a hotel. We got a room that cost $240 I believe. This was at 4 am. We left by 9:30. I think it would have been more fiscally responsible to solicit a hooker and stay at her place.
- Not that this wasn’t attempted. Brock tells me he tried to go to a frat, but got lost. “I took a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end road. Then I started to call hookers.” That prompted our new motto on life: “When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker.” Now that’s some life advice. I’m already working on making up motivational posters with “Perseverance” in big letters with that phrase underneath. The only question I have is if I leave the motivational Eagle on there or go with the picture of a car pulling up to a scantily clad woman. That’s why they pay me the big money.
- On the ride back, we proceeded to make MTV Rock and Jock jokes for about an hour. We called Dan Cortez, “The Original Hipster” because of the apathetic way in which he wore his baseball hat backwards. Please start referring to him as an “O.H.” I swear this was hilarious at the time.
- Brock returns the Kia to Hertz and they naturally assume he’s a drug dealer because he told them he went to Virginia and North Carolina with the rental. If I’ve learned anything from The Simpsons, the correct response for an excuse is, “I was buying pornography. Getting drunk at the ol’ pornography shop.” This might be the first time this was an excuse and not the truth for Brock.
I think that about sums it up. North Carolina gets added to the list of states in which I’ve gotten drunk in. We’re up to 13 now by my count. Who says I don’t have goals?
Let’s first get to the football game. Brock brought his A game of heckling and actually had a bit of a following in the upper deck. He called out a Patriots fan for looking like Jimmy Fallon and another one for stealing Rick James’s hair. A solid performance on his part. We stopped on the way home to see the White House and I have to admire both our restraints in not making a penis joke about the Washington Monument across the way.
Saturday morning we climbed in a rented Kia Rio (nothing says ballin’ like a Kia) to start our trip to North Carolina. Just to be prepared, I bought a liter of liquor for myself. We fueled ourselves with the worst meal I think I’ve ever had. A sausage and egg on a croissant and hash browns from Dunkin’ Donuts. I can’t even describe how bad this tasted. Before leaving, Brock was called “The Governor” by some random chick at the Double D (Here’s your advertising idea, Dunkin’ Donuts: Get rid of the “America Runs on Dunkin”. Because if they all did, there would be a horrible shortage of available bathrooms if they ate your breakfast sandwiches. Embrace the Double D. Because who doesn’t like saying that? Either that or go with “Throw some D’s on it”. You’re Welcome.) He then tried to get a picture with her, but she flat out refused him. Rousing start to the trip.
We arrived in Durham, North Carolina and stopped by Duke University. You would think you would reach a point where you got tired of rape jokes. You would be wrong. I was considering buying a Duke Lacrosse hat and then bumping The Lox’s “Rapin’ You Records” skit. We stopped by what was easily the least impressive college stadiums I’ve ever seen. I think I’ve seen high schools with better facilities. Coach K must be having some of the best “assistant coaches” in the world to get the recruits he gets. And by “assistant coaches” I mean the ones who have offices in student dorm rooms and are named Buffy and Suzy.
Then we went to UNC and saw the Dean Dome. Unfortunately, the student bookstore was closed when we got there so I wasn’t able to blow $200 on Tarheel merchandise. Don’t worry. Keep reading and I’ll blow it in an even more impressive fashion. After that it was off to dinner which allowed Drunken Barney to come out. Let the fun begin. Some of the highlights of the night:
- We went to a bar which brewed it’s own beer. There was a microbrewery right next to a wall size picture of a young MJ. Seeing that I had the two things that I enjoy most, we proceeded to order Patron shots. I think we had 5 rounds plus some beers and the bill came to $72. Hooray cheap southern living.
- Being genuinely upset when North Carolina did not have someone at the Va border with their shirt off swinging it over their head like a helicopter. Has Petey Pablo taught us nothing?
- Going to a bar with a 37 year old bar tender. She started talking to us. Brock putting the following quote from me on Facebook: “I demand we double team her in the back of the Kia Rio.” I’m classy.
- Going to a bar that had the word “Player’s” in the name that was not a strip club. I was shocked.
- We went to another bar called the Library. I don’t think they get this whole bar naming thing in Chapel Hill, but it’s not like that stopped me from ordering Henn Rock shots. The next thing I know, I’m being woken up and I’m sleeping in the front seat of the Kia.
- Being woken up to go into a hotel. We got a room that cost $240 I believe. This was at 4 am. We left by 9:30. I think it would have been more fiscally responsible to solicit a hooker and stay at her place.
- Not that this wasn’t attempted. Brock tells me he tried to go to a frat, but got lost. “I took a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end road. Then I started to call hookers.” That prompted our new motto on life: “When life takes you to a dead end, call a hooker.” Now that’s some life advice. I’m already working on making up motivational posters with “Perseverance” in big letters with that phrase underneath. The only question I have is if I leave the motivational Eagle on there or go with the picture of a car pulling up to a scantily clad woman. That’s why they pay me the big money.
- On the ride back, we proceeded to make MTV Rock and Jock jokes for about an hour. We called Dan Cortez, “The Original Hipster” because of the apathetic way in which he wore his baseball hat backwards. Please start referring to him as an “O.H.” I swear this was hilarious at the time.
- Brock returns the Kia to Hertz and they naturally assume he’s a drug dealer because he told them he went to Virginia and North Carolina with the rental. If I’ve learned anything from The Simpsons, the correct response for an excuse is, “I was buying pornography. Getting drunk at the ol’ pornography shop.” This might be the first time this was an excuse and not the truth for Brock.
I think that about sums it up. North Carolina gets added to the list of states in which I’ve gotten drunk in. We’re up to 13 now by my count. Who says I don’t have goals?
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The Ookie Experience
It’s good to know our 2007 campaign to Free Ookie has finally reached a conclusion. I’m sure the efforts here have had a dramatic impact on this. Thanks to everyone for their hard work. And by hard work I mean, texting me whenever there was anything Ookie related, yelling out, “Free Mike Vick” on Good Morning America, and generally, just putting up with my crap and not reporting me to the authorities. I got the news about his signing with Philly while at a bar and it will probably be one of those “I knew exactly where I was when it happened” moments in my life. Aptly enough, it was a bar called McFadden’s, which was the subject of the next Barney Show ridiculous initiative. I’ve avoided it for 2 years because I think I’m just now over my man crush on Run DMC, Darren McFadden (Hold on? Why did I not use this nickname back in my track days? Run BMC? Honoring the immortal Tim Hardaway, Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullins? Dammit. The lesson here? I was a dumbass in high school). The one downside of being at a bar last night was that I was surrounded by Redskins, Ravens (Including one douchebag in a U of Delaware Joe Flacco jersey. Vegas was giving 4-1 odds of me and him going at it at some point), Steeler, and yes, even one Cardinals fan.
Before we get more into the Ookie situation, let’s go through my night, shall we? Why not? It’s not like you have anything better to do. I promise it’s Ookie related. We were at McFadden’s because a friend of a friend won a happy hour which allowed any of his friends drinks for $2. This sounds like a good deal. I ended up with a $120 tab. Apparently Jaeger and Jack were not on the $2 list. And I ended up by multiple rounds of shots for people. And I decided the $2 drinks were not strong enough to get me drunk. Well fuck me silly. After I was sufficiently sauced, we proceeded to another bar, because hey, it’s on the way home. Why not? As solid reasoning if I’ve ever heard. It was me and this girl, her roommate, and who I was assuming was her roommate’s boyfriend. We were playing darts and drinking beer.
Ok, stage is set. Let’s get to the fun part. Roommate’s boyfriend (we’ll refer to him as Fuckface for the rest of this story) was a Va Tech grad. Being that I have limited social skills to talk to normal people, this provided me a chance to engage in what other people call “casual conversation” being that Vick was in the news that night. (Quick backtrack. The roommate was pretty hot, until I found out she was a lobbyist. Only she wouldn’t say she was a lobbyist, she had some fancy name. I would too if my actual title was the Whoring Myself Out to Cripple Democracy. I’ve tried to avoid these people like the plague. I decided to mix it up a bit with her and asked, “Well how good are you at your job? Could you get me to switch sides on an issue?” She refused to give a straight answer, just kept blurting out something like, “It depends on what my client wanted.” Seriously, go get fucked. Then I found out she was a lobbyist for some bullshit environmental firm. Wow. It took a lot of power not to go find a pool stick and crack it over her head. The point of this is that I had already been provoked. Aren’t you glad I’m back? Where else on the internet can you find someone who so steadfastly refuses to stick to a single plot line? ) We were exchanging some opinions (and you can probably guess how he feels about PETA based on who his girlfriend works for) until I asked, “What do you have against the guy? He was the best football player in your schools history.” This apparently set him off because he got all up in my grill and started telling me that he wasn’t the best because of the horrible things he did. My retort, “What does that have to do with anything he did on the field”, while a clear and logical, did not seem to resonate with Fuckface, who continued to make dumbass comments as you would expect from someone who thinks PETA is awesome about football. While he continued to chase his own tail logically, I had some pretty good lines, if I must say so myself.
“You didn’t go to a real football school. Virginia Tech plays in the fucking ACC.”“Wait, you considered last year a good year? You played Cinci-fucking-natti in a bowl game.”
“In the words of the great Clinton Portis, ‘We’re talking about daws, man. Fightin’ dawgs.’”
“Why are you bringing Marcus into this? What did he ever do to anyone?” (That was my favorite line of the whole thing. Leave it up to me to defend the honor of Marcus Vick)
This went back and forth for about 10 minutes. I was getting closer and closer to just ending it and coming over the top with my beer bottle. I saw where this was going and while shit faced, did realize that spending 2 years in jail was a little too high of a price to pay for my Free Ookie campaign. About this time, I said, “He led your team to the only national championship you’ve ever gone to and almost beat a great Florida State team by himself in the Sugar Bowl. How is that not the most successful player in Va Tech’s history?”
Let’s pause for a second to prepare yourself for the single dumbest comeback I have ever heard. Ready? Ok, here we go. “Well, that’s if you want to measure success by national championships.” Holy. Fucking. Shit. The other defense lawyer from My Cousin Vinny had better arguments than that. Let’s question the measurement of something by asking if the very definition of that measurement is valid. This guy must have been great in physics class. Other lines Fuckface has probably uttered?“Well, that’s if you want to measure distance by feet.”
“Who uses the Dewey Decimal System to classify books?”
“Why would you want to measure my gayness on the Brady Quinn scale?”
Hov wants said, “A wise man once told me, don’t argue with fools. Cause from a distance, people can’t tell who is who.” I followed this philosophy and simply walked out of the bar. Didn’t say anything. Just walked out. Got on my phone and left a voicemail with Brock that started off, “I just passed up pussy in the name of Ookie.” And you wonder why I’m single?
Alright, I promised you some actual thoughts on this, so here we go:
- I just wish I could have seen Desmond McNabb (He’ll always be Desmond McNabb to me. And maybe one person gets that joke. Way to go grab a larger audience you moron) when Andy Reid told him they were signing Vick. I’m starting to think the Eagles exist only as a psychological experiment to see how far they can push McNabb before he just quits.
- I’m glad to see him sign with Philly. It makes my job of making semi-witty comments that much easier. For Monday Morning Hangover’s this year, you’ll see a lot of (insert joke about Philly fans booing here) and then (insert joke about Vick being nothing compared to Andy Reid’s kids here).
- I won’t go into it the sheer volume of hypocrisy too much because it will just get me frustrated, but this morning’s Sunday Conversation featured an NFL player who was actually involved in a person’s death, not dogs. No protests there.
- Any chance he gets worked into a plot of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”? Or is that asking for too much?
- Now that Ookie is signed, who’s the next lost cause to get The Barney Show endorsement? Anyone know when Maurice Clarett gets out?
Since I’ve asked four straight questions, I think it’s time to wrap this up. Just remember kids: Stick to the script. Ookie over bitches.
Before we get more into the Ookie situation, let’s go through my night, shall we? Why not? It’s not like you have anything better to do. I promise it’s Ookie related. We were at McFadden’s because a friend of a friend won a happy hour which allowed any of his friends drinks for $2. This sounds like a good deal. I ended up with a $120 tab. Apparently Jaeger and Jack were not on the $2 list. And I ended up by multiple rounds of shots for people. And I decided the $2 drinks were not strong enough to get me drunk. Well fuck me silly. After I was sufficiently sauced, we proceeded to another bar, because hey, it’s on the way home. Why not? As solid reasoning if I’ve ever heard. It was me and this girl, her roommate, and who I was assuming was her roommate’s boyfriend. We were playing darts and drinking beer.
Ok, stage is set. Let’s get to the fun part. Roommate’s boyfriend (we’ll refer to him as Fuckface for the rest of this story) was a Va Tech grad. Being that I have limited social skills to talk to normal people, this provided me a chance to engage in what other people call “casual conversation” being that Vick was in the news that night. (Quick backtrack. The roommate was pretty hot, until I found out she was a lobbyist. Only she wouldn’t say she was a lobbyist, she had some fancy name. I would too if my actual title was the Whoring Myself Out to Cripple Democracy. I’ve tried to avoid these people like the plague. I decided to mix it up a bit with her and asked, “Well how good are you at your job? Could you get me to switch sides on an issue?” She refused to give a straight answer, just kept blurting out something like, “It depends on what my client wanted.” Seriously, go get fucked. Then I found out she was a lobbyist for some bullshit environmental firm. Wow. It took a lot of power not to go find a pool stick and crack it over her head. The point of this is that I had already been provoked. Aren’t you glad I’m back? Where else on the internet can you find someone who so steadfastly refuses to stick to a single plot line? ) We were exchanging some opinions (and you can probably guess how he feels about PETA based on who his girlfriend works for) until I asked, “What do you have against the guy? He was the best football player in your schools history.” This apparently set him off because he got all up in my grill and started telling me that he wasn’t the best because of the horrible things he did. My retort, “What does that have to do with anything he did on the field”, while a clear and logical, did not seem to resonate with Fuckface, who continued to make dumbass comments as you would expect from someone who thinks PETA is awesome about football. While he continued to chase his own tail logically, I had some pretty good lines, if I must say so myself.
“You didn’t go to a real football school. Virginia Tech plays in the fucking ACC.”“Wait, you considered last year a good year? You played Cinci-fucking-natti in a bowl game.”
“In the words of the great Clinton Portis, ‘We’re talking about daws, man. Fightin’ dawgs.’”
“Why are you bringing Marcus into this? What did he ever do to anyone?” (That was my favorite line of the whole thing. Leave it up to me to defend the honor of Marcus Vick)
This went back and forth for about 10 minutes. I was getting closer and closer to just ending it and coming over the top with my beer bottle. I saw where this was going and while shit faced, did realize that spending 2 years in jail was a little too high of a price to pay for my Free Ookie campaign. About this time, I said, “He led your team to the only national championship you’ve ever gone to and almost beat a great Florida State team by himself in the Sugar Bowl. How is that not the most successful player in Va Tech’s history?”
Let’s pause for a second to prepare yourself for the single dumbest comeback I have ever heard. Ready? Ok, here we go. “Well, that’s if you want to measure success by national championships.” Holy. Fucking. Shit. The other defense lawyer from My Cousin Vinny had better arguments than that. Let’s question the measurement of something by asking if the very definition of that measurement is valid. This guy must have been great in physics class. Other lines Fuckface has probably uttered?“Well, that’s if you want to measure distance by feet.”
“Who uses the Dewey Decimal System to classify books?”
“Why would you want to measure my gayness on the Brady Quinn scale?”
Hov wants said, “A wise man once told me, don’t argue with fools. Cause from a distance, people can’t tell who is who.” I followed this philosophy and simply walked out of the bar. Didn’t say anything. Just walked out. Got on my phone and left a voicemail with Brock that started off, “I just passed up pussy in the name of Ookie.” And you wonder why I’m single?
Alright, I promised you some actual thoughts on this, so here we go:
- I just wish I could have seen Desmond McNabb (He’ll always be Desmond McNabb to me. And maybe one person gets that joke. Way to go grab a larger audience you moron) when Andy Reid told him they were signing Vick. I’m starting to think the Eagles exist only as a psychological experiment to see how far they can push McNabb before he just quits.
- I’m glad to see him sign with Philly. It makes my job of making semi-witty comments that much easier. For Monday Morning Hangover’s this year, you’ll see a lot of (insert joke about Philly fans booing here) and then (insert joke about Vick being nothing compared to Andy Reid’s kids here).
- I won’t go into it the sheer volume of hypocrisy too much because it will just get me frustrated, but this morning’s Sunday Conversation featured an NFL player who was actually involved in a person’s death, not dogs. No protests there.
- Any chance he gets worked into a plot of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”? Or is that asking for too much?
- Now that Ookie is signed, who’s the next lost cause to get The Barney Show endorsement? Anyone know when Maurice Clarett gets out?
Since I’ve asked four straight questions, I think it’s time to wrap this up. Just remember kids: Stick to the script. Ookie over bitches.
Texas Toast
“This is the chronicles of Killa, and don’t smoke ‘cause the chronic it’ll kill ya.”
-Cam’ron
Thanks for the intro, Killa Cam (Do you know how hard it is to get a rap quote with the word “chronicles” in it?) We’re back with the chronicles of Mr. Twenty Percent, now providing 27.3% more inspiration: Brock is planning on doing some sort of Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” tribute incorporating this. Because nothing gives Jacko a shout out like talking about 3 year olds. Me, I think it’s just an excuse for him to wear his fedora.
I was planning on doing a special two part Texas Toast, since last weekend my daughter came to NY to see my family, but I just didn’t get around to it. (Man, I could have had a cliff hanger. I’m all about incorporating literary devices into this bullshit blog, aren’t I?). Instead, you get a multi-state Texas Toast. Now take a deep breath to prepare yourself for this incredible event. (Good? Ok, just checking). Editor's Note: The events depicted here occurred July 17-27. I was just lazy.
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” – Animal House
Quick setup: My daughter and baby moms flew up to NY on a Tuesday, spent Wednesday and Thursday with my mom’s side of the family and they Thursday night went to my dad’s family reunion in the Poconos. I met up with them late Friday night.
Saturday morning, I was awakened early to go see a theatrical production of The Jungle Book. We then went to a German festival called “The Wurst Festival.” We’re trying to raise our child to never turn down an ethnic festival that has a bad pun involving sausages, so we were obliged to go. Now you would think that a German festival would have two things in abundance and variety: sausages and beer. They really slipped on the second part. Not that I was drinking since I had to drive home with my daughter (My liver would really, really, really appreciate it if I spent more time with her), but I was interested in seeing the assortment. Instead, they had the fine selection of Budweiser and Bud Light. Yes, they were drinking Bud at a beer garden. That’s sacrilege.
“If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.” – Bronx Tale
Another fun part of having a family reunion is seeing people you haven’t seen in a few years. One thing I didn’t know? Apparently I have Italians in my family. Don’t let the little fact that I think their dad is Jewish and their mom Irish fool you. Those tight shirts, gelled hair and gold chains say otherwise. Hey, if they can bring some better cooking to holidays, I’m all for it (that would also imply that I’m sober enough at these to have taste buds).
The best part for them was that I all prepared to make sarcastic jokes about their education (If Tim Tebow tears an ACL this season, your entire science department would stop whatever they were doing and focus on advanced knee bionics and then when that failed, cloning Tim Tebow. I’m supposed to respect that education?), and instead they show up looking like they’re not from Florida, but Staten Island. That really threw me off my game. I’ll admit, I didn’t bring the funny like I should have. But please believe that I’m watching a Godfather, Goodfellas, Bronx Tale marathon prior to the next time we meet.
“G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G- Unit” – Everyone in New York in 2002
Alright, on to Texas. On Friday night, I took my daughter to see the new movie, G-Force. Yes, that’s the one with guinea pigs who try to save the world, and the premise is as ridiculous as that sounds. But my daughter just got a hamster as a pet (to replace the gold fish that I killed the last time I was down here), so this seemed like a good way to kill 2 hours. I got a text from Chubb Rock saying it was the # 1 movie in America this weekend and it did not surprise me at all. That place was packed. How packed you ask? The line would have been around the block. Except that don’t’ play that whole “sidewalk” shit in Texas. They just kept the line straight, and be damned if it went out into the parking lot. They effectively blocked off the entire first lane of the parking lot. It was highly entertaining to see cars drive up looking for parking only to realize they couldn’t because these morons were just standing in the street, when there was a perfectly good sidewalk right next to it. (I’m thinking this whole multi-state Texas Toast thing is just an excuse to rip the education systems across America). And to answer your question, yes, I did try to get my daughter to say, “G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G-Force.” Didn’t catch on.
“Boom, Boom, Pow” – Black Eyed Peas
If you recall from the last Texas Toast, my daughter has moved from kids songs to listening to the radio full time. Her favorite song right now is that stupid Boom, Boom, Pow one from the Black Eyed Peas (I’m sorry, I should give them the benefit of the doubt, but ESPN played that “Let’s get it started” song one too many times for me during the 2005 playoffs. And yes, I will hold this against them even though it wasn’t their fault. Wait, they agreed to the deal and even changed their lyrics from, “Let’s get retarded”, to “Let’s get it started.” So fuck them.) So now our rides consist of me flipping from radio station to radio station and she yells from the back seat, “Change it”. On the plus side, my daughter was singing the phrase, “Jackin’ my swagger.” Say what you want about Gilbert Arenas, but he popularized the word Swag so much that 3 year olds in Texas are now using it. And even though my following of the rap game has dropped off, no one did more to promote that word than Agent 0 did. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
“She L-L-L-L-L-L-icked me like a lollipop.” – Lil Wayne
Continuing on the radio tip, I’m flipping through and the chorus comes on as soon as I turn to the station. Which prompts the question from the backseat, “Daddy, why is he singing about a lollipop?” “Ummmm…”. I quickly resorted to the old point and yell out, “Look over there” technique while changing to the CD I had in. Luckily, she does like “Love Lockdown” so I was able to avoid disaster. She actually really enjoyed 808s and Heartbreak to the point where she was doing all of these arm movements in the backseat. That’s good because I think that’s the only CD I own that I would approve of her listening to (Check that. We will one day rock out to Johnny Cash.)
“I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, I am for real.” – OutKast
I didn’t go back and check this (detailed oriented fact checker I am not), but I think this is the first time I’ve actually used this song in a quote. Surprising. (I’ll give you the requisite 30 seconds to strap yourself back into your seat from that surprise…Still here…Not going anywhere…You ready?...Ok, we’ll get back to the story.) I had a conversation with my daughter’s grandmother in which she said to me, “I was telling one of my friends that you [Barney] were too good for my daughter.” (I’ll pause again for you to come out of shock…Thinking of the Ron Artest article in Sports Illustrated I read on the way down…he’s looking for takers on his reality show he’s developing…I might quit my job to watch that 24/7 if it comes out…ok, ready to proceed? Let’s go.) Who knew rampant alcoholism and a propensity to work 60-70 hour weeks was so respected. Apparently, it all boils down to the fact that I am quote, “really nice.” So strike one up in the corner for “Repressing emotions and releasing them through alcohol”. It’s only down 3,587 to “Being an emotionally stable person,” but I think it’s poised for a comeback.
“Quit hatin’ the South.” – UGK
I’ll be the first one to give the South some respect when it comes to the rap game, but this weekend might have done more to change that than anything else I can think of. Quick, which artist was a radio DJ in Dallas talking about when she said, “New music for you. Some of you need to expand your horizons and not just listen to The Stanky Leg”? Hint: it was not a newly signed rapper from the underground on an indie label. If you guessed Jay-Z, you would be correct. Not only was it Hov, it was featuring Kanye West and Rihanna. I know I haven’t been up on the rap game as I would like, but I’m fairly certain those are still relevant artists. I’m just going to stop now before my head explodes (Though maybe it’s not just Dallas. Brock let me know that Fabolous’s new album is a big deal in NYC. Who knew? That “Put it in the Bag” song is terrible.)
Finally, after travelling the past two weekends through various cities, I’m issuing a challenge. If anyone can get through the entire radio dial without hearing “Every Girl in the World” or “Best I Ever Had”, you win. I don’t think I went more than 5 minutes without hearing one of those songs.
“That. Was. Awesome. Sorry about your car man.” - Tommy Boy
As we further our explorations into issues with cars in back country and animals, on Saturday night, we took a trip out to somebody’s ranch. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to have a plan Saturday night so they picked up on this and invited me to something I couldn’t really turn down. I spent an hour playing ping pong if you’re interested. No fishing for me. The adventure came on the way home. I was down to less than an eighth of a tank of gas. I asked about taking a way home that included a gas station so I could refill my tank accordingly. This simple request was overturned and the person I was following decided it would be prudent to take only back roads on the way home. And by back roads I mean single lane roads without dividers, that sometimes are only dirt, and which we had to stop twice because there were cattle on the side of the road. I had to drive 25 miles with the engine light on with a 4 year old, and two 13 year olds yammering on about whatever nonsense they talk about. While trying to figure out how I would respond to being at least 15 miles from the nearest form of civilization should this run out, I realized, “You know what? Based on this car ride, I never want to have another kid.”
Alright, before I wrap this up, let’s get to the other cultural milestones of this great land that is Texas that are quick hitters:
- Apparently, it’s ok for a 40 year old man to get on a plane wearing a cut off t-shirt and shorts while being at least 50 pounds overweight.
- The big reason we went out to the ranch on Saturday night was to pick up fish that had been caught that day. I assumed this was for eating purposes. No. They merely wanted to take the fish they had caught in this lake and transport them to another lake. Why? I imagine to stock the lake that they owned, but I’m not sure. So to sum up, they spent an entire day fishing merely to reallocate the catfish population in lakes in East Texas. The whole thing was so retarded, I didn’t even want to ask in case the answer was even stupider.
- People love to mow their lawns. I mean really do. It’s a form of recreation down here. And this is a fact…I have never mowed a lawn in my life. The closest I ever came was standing there and watching French Ben mow his parents lawn, in which he promptly ran over the lawnmower’s electrical cord. Ahh, good times.
-Cam’ron
Thanks for the intro, Killa Cam (Do you know how hard it is to get a rap quote with the word “chronicles” in it?) We’re back with the chronicles of Mr. Twenty Percent, now providing 27.3% more inspiration: Brock is planning on doing some sort of Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” tribute incorporating this. Because nothing gives Jacko a shout out like talking about 3 year olds. Me, I think it’s just an excuse for him to wear his fedora.
I was planning on doing a special two part Texas Toast, since last weekend my daughter came to NY to see my family, but I just didn’t get around to it. (Man, I could have had a cliff hanger. I’m all about incorporating literary devices into this bullshit blog, aren’t I?). Instead, you get a multi-state Texas Toast. Now take a deep breath to prepare yourself for this incredible event. (Good? Ok, just checking). Editor's Note: The events depicted here occurred July 17-27. I was just lazy.
“Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” – Animal House
Quick setup: My daughter and baby moms flew up to NY on a Tuesday, spent Wednesday and Thursday with my mom’s side of the family and they Thursday night went to my dad’s family reunion in the Poconos. I met up with them late Friday night.
Saturday morning, I was awakened early to go see a theatrical production of The Jungle Book. We then went to a German festival called “The Wurst Festival.” We’re trying to raise our child to never turn down an ethnic festival that has a bad pun involving sausages, so we were obliged to go. Now you would think that a German festival would have two things in abundance and variety: sausages and beer. They really slipped on the second part. Not that I was drinking since I had to drive home with my daughter (My liver would really, really, really appreciate it if I spent more time with her), but I was interested in seeing the assortment. Instead, they had the fine selection of Budweiser and Bud Light. Yes, they were drinking Bud at a beer garden. That’s sacrilege.
“If she doesn't reach over and lift up that button so that you can get in, that means she's a selfish broad and all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg. You dump her and you dump her fast.” – Bronx Tale
Another fun part of having a family reunion is seeing people you haven’t seen in a few years. One thing I didn’t know? Apparently I have Italians in my family. Don’t let the little fact that I think their dad is Jewish and their mom Irish fool you. Those tight shirts, gelled hair and gold chains say otherwise. Hey, if they can bring some better cooking to holidays, I’m all for it (that would also imply that I’m sober enough at these to have taste buds).
The best part for them was that I all prepared to make sarcastic jokes about their education (If Tim Tebow tears an ACL this season, your entire science department would stop whatever they were doing and focus on advanced knee bionics and then when that failed, cloning Tim Tebow. I’m supposed to respect that education?), and instead they show up looking like they’re not from Florida, but Staten Island. That really threw me off my game. I’ll admit, I didn’t bring the funny like I should have. But please believe that I’m watching a Godfather, Goodfellas, Bronx Tale marathon prior to the next time we meet.
“G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G- Unit” – Everyone in New York in 2002
Alright, on to Texas. On Friday night, I took my daughter to see the new movie, G-Force. Yes, that’s the one with guinea pigs who try to save the world, and the premise is as ridiculous as that sounds. But my daughter just got a hamster as a pet (to replace the gold fish that I killed the last time I was down here), so this seemed like a good way to kill 2 hours. I got a text from Chubb Rock saying it was the # 1 movie in America this weekend and it did not surprise me at all. That place was packed. How packed you ask? The line would have been around the block. Except that don’t’ play that whole “sidewalk” shit in Texas. They just kept the line straight, and be damned if it went out into the parking lot. They effectively blocked off the entire first lane of the parking lot. It was highly entertaining to see cars drive up looking for parking only to realize they couldn’t because these morons were just standing in the street, when there was a perfectly good sidewalk right next to it. (I’m thinking this whole multi-state Texas Toast thing is just an excuse to rip the education systems across America). And to answer your question, yes, I did try to get my daughter to say, “G-G-G-G-G- G-G-G-G-Force.” Didn’t catch on.
“Boom, Boom, Pow” – Black Eyed Peas
If you recall from the last Texas Toast, my daughter has moved from kids songs to listening to the radio full time. Her favorite song right now is that stupid Boom, Boom, Pow one from the Black Eyed Peas (I’m sorry, I should give them the benefit of the doubt, but ESPN played that “Let’s get it started” song one too many times for me during the 2005 playoffs. And yes, I will hold this against them even though it wasn’t their fault. Wait, they agreed to the deal and even changed their lyrics from, “Let’s get retarded”, to “Let’s get it started.” So fuck them.) So now our rides consist of me flipping from radio station to radio station and she yells from the back seat, “Change it”. On the plus side, my daughter was singing the phrase, “Jackin’ my swagger.” Say what you want about Gilbert Arenas, but he popularized the word Swag so much that 3 year olds in Texas are now using it. And even though my following of the rap game has dropped off, no one did more to promote that word than Agent 0 did. And for that, I will be eternally grateful.
“She L-L-L-L-L-L-icked me like a lollipop.” – Lil Wayne
Continuing on the radio tip, I’m flipping through and the chorus comes on as soon as I turn to the station. Which prompts the question from the backseat, “Daddy, why is he singing about a lollipop?” “Ummmm…”. I quickly resorted to the old point and yell out, “Look over there” technique while changing to the CD I had in. Luckily, she does like “Love Lockdown” so I was able to avoid disaster. She actually really enjoyed 808s and Heartbreak to the point where she was doing all of these arm movements in the backseat. That’s good because I think that’s the only CD I own that I would approve of her listening to (Check that. We will one day rock out to Johnny Cash.)
“I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, I am for real.” – OutKast
I didn’t go back and check this (detailed oriented fact checker I am not), but I think this is the first time I’ve actually used this song in a quote. Surprising. (I’ll give you the requisite 30 seconds to strap yourself back into your seat from that surprise…Still here…Not going anywhere…You ready?...Ok, we’ll get back to the story.) I had a conversation with my daughter’s grandmother in which she said to me, “I was telling one of my friends that you [Barney] were too good for my daughter.” (I’ll pause again for you to come out of shock…Thinking of the Ron Artest article in Sports Illustrated I read on the way down…he’s looking for takers on his reality show he’s developing…I might quit my job to watch that 24/7 if it comes out…ok, ready to proceed? Let’s go.) Who knew rampant alcoholism and a propensity to work 60-70 hour weeks was so respected. Apparently, it all boils down to the fact that I am quote, “really nice.” So strike one up in the corner for “Repressing emotions and releasing them through alcohol”. It’s only down 3,587 to “Being an emotionally stable person,” but I think it’s poised for a comeback.
“Quit hatin’ the South.” – UGK
I’ll be the first one to give the South some respect when it comes to the rap game, but this weekend might have done more to change that than anything else I can think of. Quick, which artist was a radio DJ in Dallas talking about when she said, “New music for you. Some of you need to expand your horizons and not just listen to The Stanky Leg”? Hint: it was not a newly signed rapper from the underground on an indie label. If you guessed Jay-Z, you would be correct. Not only was it Hov, it was featuring Kanye West and Rihanna. I know I haven’t been up on the rap game as I would like, but I’m fairly certain those are still relevant artists. I’m just going to stop now before my head explodes (Though maybe it’s not just Dallas. Brock let me know that Fabolous’s new album is a big deal in NYC. Who knew? That “Put it in the Bag” song is terrible.)
Finally, after travelling the past two weekends through various cities, I’m issuing a challenge. If anyone can get through the entire radio dial without hearing “Every Girl in the World” or “Best I Ever Had”, you win. I don’t think I went more than 5 minutes without hearing one of those songs.
“That. Was. Awesome. Sorry about your car man.” - Tommy Boy
As we further our explorations into issues with cars in back country and animals, on Saturday night, we took a trip out to somebody’s ranch. I hadn’t thought far enough ahead to have a plan Saturday night so they picked up on this and invited me to something I couldn’t really turn down. I spent an hour playing ping pong if you’re interested. No fishing for me. The adventure came on the way home. I was down to less than an eighth of a tank of gas. I asked about taking a way home that included a gas station so I could refill my tank accordingly. This simple request was overturned and the person I was following decided it would be prudent to take only back roads on the way home. And by back roads I mean single lane roads without dividers, that sometimes are only dirt, and which we had to stop twice because there were cattle on the side of the road. I had to drive 25 miles with the engine light on with a 4 year old, and two 13 year olds yammering on about whatever nonsense they talk about. While trying to figure out how I would respond to being at least 15 miles from the nearest form of civilization should this run out, I realized, “You know what? Based on this car ride, I never want to have another kid.”
Alright, before I wrap this up, let’s get to the other cultural milestones of this great land that is Texas that are quick hitters:
- Apparently, it’s ok for a 40 year old man to get on a plane wearing a cut off t-shirt and shorts while being at least 50 pounds overweight.
- The big reason we went out to the ranch on Saturday night was to pick up fish that had been caught that day. I assumed this was for eating purposes. No. They merely wanted to take the fish they had caught in this lake and transport them to another lake. Why? I imagine to stock the lake that they owned, but I’m not sure. So to sum up, they spent an entire day fishing merely to reallocate the catfish population in lakes in East Texas. The whole thing was so retarded, I didn’t even want to ask in case the answer was even stupider.
- People love to mow their lawns. I mean really do. It’s a form of recreation down here. And this is a fact…I have never mowed a lawn in my life. The closest I ever came was standing there and watching French Ben mow his parents lawn, in which he promptly ran over the lawnmower’s electrical cord. Ahh, good times.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
I go on vacation and Ron Ron decides to go and sign with LA
I promised myself I wasn’t going to log on this weekend, but I’m sorry, anytime Ron Ron signs in the entertainment capital of the world, I need to say something. Obviously, I’m thrilled. Don’t believe me? He’s already been at Diddy’s white party this weekend. And since the 1 AM Sportscenter is across the street from the Staples Center, he’ll be on that more. He was on Thursday night in a hat that said, “So Gutta” and said he was going to “hoodalize” the show. I see no way in this will end badly. Oh, and he’s reuniting with his former AAU teammate, L Odom, assuming he resigns. Yes, the one he rapped about smoking weed at halftime with.
From a basketball perspective, I really like it because if there’s any coach who can control crazy Ron, it’s Jackson. I see Phil going to Ron, “I coached Rodman to 3 titles. You have nothing on him.” And it frees Kobe up from having to guard the opponents best perimeter player.
And I’m pretty much demanding a Ron Artest reality show in LA. Since Triple 6 took the “Hollyhood” title, we’ll need to work on an alternative name. “From QB to Rodeo Drive”? If we can’t get a reality show, I’ll settle for him remaking the “To Live and Die in LA” video going around LA.
Obviously, I’ll have more over the course of the summer on this, but for now, here’s something entertaining. Ron’s actual twitter feed and one done as a joke. You know the Real Ron Artest isn’t real because you knew his twitter would involve QB and Tru Warier is some way. And of course it does. I’m not sure which one I find funnier. The fake one had some quotes that had me laughing my ass off, but the real one is equally as ridiculous. Just look at that bio. Alright, I’ll stop talking and just let you enjoy them.
http://twitter.com/96TruwarierQB
http://twitter.com/Real_Ron_Artest
And to answer your question, yes, one of them does get in a twitter fight with Chad OchoCinco (Have I stopped smiling every time I type name? No. And I don’t think I ever will.)
RIP Steve McNair. As someone who knows a little bit about playing through pain, I can say you amazed me. I think a hail of bullets was the only thing that could have taken you down.
From a basketball perspective, I really like it because if there’s any coach who can control crazy Ron, it’s Jackson. I see Phil going to Ron, “I coached Rodman to 3 titles. You have nothing on him.” And it frees Kobe up from having to guard the opponents best perimeter player.
And I’m pretty much demanding a Ron Artest reality show in LA. Since Triple 6 took the “Hollyhood” title, we’ll need to work on an alternative name. “From QB to Rodeo Drive”? If we can’t get a reality show, I’ll settle for him remaking the “To Live and Die in LA” video going around LA.
Obviously, I’ll have more over the course of the summer on this, but for now, here’s something entertaining. Ron’s actual twitter feed and one done as a joke. You know the Real Ron Artest isn’t real because you knew his twitter would involve QB and Tru Warier is some way. And of course it does. I’m not sure which one I find funnier. The fake one had some quotes that had me laughing my ass off, but the real one is equally as ridiculous. Just look at that bio. Alright, I’ll stop talking and just let you enjoy them.
http://twitter.com/96TruwarierQB
http://twitter.com/Real_Ron_Artest
And to answer your question, yes, one of them does get in a twitter fight with Chad OchoCinco (Have I stopped smiling every time I type name? No. And I don’t think I ever will.)
RIP Steve McNair. As someone who knows a little bit about playing through pain, I can say you amazed me. I think a hail of bullets was the only thing that could have taken you down.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Saga Continues...Barney, Barney
Olympic torch flaming, it burns so sweet, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. Wait, where was I? Oh right, writing a blog.
Whew, finally done with that proposal. Nothing like working 90 hour weeks. So what else has been going on? Let’s first get to an example of shit that only happens to me. So Monday afternoon, I’m working on a semi-serious presentation. Basically, they just want us to present something to get experience presenting. Anyway, I do mine and part of it went into some disaster recovery we’ve had to do. To illustrate this point and to add a bit of humor, I put a picture in of a train crashing.
I send it off to the appropriate person and don’t think anything of it. Monday night rolls around, and there’s a train accident that kills like 7 people. I completely forget about that picture until an hour before I have to present and it gets sent out and I realize I have to speak to this less than 24 hours after the deadliest train crash in Metro’s history. So yeah, that was fun. I even titled the slide “Murphy’s Law”. So who now I’m the insensitive guy. I was quick on my feet and spent most of the slide talking about our response to Hurricane Katrina. That really lightened the mood.
Keeping with the theme, I went out to happy hour on Friday. More like I got dragged by my coworkers who were beginning to question my sanity. I’m thinking I’ll have a few and be ready to pass out because I’m so tired, but being the degenerate alky that I am, I start feeling tired after my second double jack, so I switch over to red bull and vodka. A fine a decision as you’ll ever see. So now, I’m committed to the night. A few more drinks in and I’m talking to this girl. She’s pretty hot and things are going well. We keep talking going on like an hour. Just when I start to think there are possibilities, she drops this nugget to her friend that was there: “Don’t you just love him? He’s just like my brother. I mean exactly.” Yup, that about killed it. Nothing like a little incestuous overtone to kill the mood.
Another highlight of the happy hour was someone casually mentioning that they were going to Sea Isle City, NJ that weekend. Yeah, they did not know what they were getting into. I told them to not even think about going as that city was pure evil. They looked at me like I had 6 heads (Ok, you know where we’re going with this one. It’s time for the Sea Isle City story. It was the summer before my senior year of college. Friday night we had a bit of a night, and I ended up passed out on my bathroom floor. Brock tried to help me but me being the gentleman that I am said something along the lines of, “I know what the fuck I’m doing. Do you not think I know how to handle myself when I’m puking? The fuck do you think I am?” The next morning I pried myself off of that floor to join K Dog, Blaze and Marky Mark on a road trip. K Dog was dating some chick who lived way down on the Jersey shore. Her parents were out of town so she invited him and some of his friends down to visit. That was her first mistake right there. We finally get down there after brutal traffic on the NJ Parkway, and before we even find her house, we stop and get a 30 of beer and 2 bottles. We get to her place and within an hour she’s asking K Dog if I’m out on the porch doing cocaine. For the record, I was not. I was writing an episode of The Barney Show. After performing the Barney Show, we notice the house across the street has no lights on, with the exception of one candle in every single window. That’s pretty creepy. Ok, we note it and move on. Around this time, some of K-Dog’s girl’s friends start showing up. One of which was named Joanne which caught Marky Mark’s eye. Unfortunately, he did not know she had a boyfriend, who was also there. Before he found out about this, he made a bet with me for $20 that he could hook up with her before the end of the night. Knowing she had a boyfriend, I took this bet and laughed.
The night went on, and we were told that there was another party a few blocks over. We decided to check it out. While walking over there, we noticed there were several houses with the candles in each window. Being of a sound mind at that point, I can’t see how we became so paranoid. But we because convinced that every house was haunted and that we were somewhere near the nexus of hell. We decided to skip the party and go back to the house.
Now, we’re at the end of the line for the night. I crash on the couch…with a steak knife next to me because I’m convinced a demon is going to get me. Marky Mark, realizing he might be down $20 if he doesn’t do something soon decides to get a move on it. Joanne and her boyfriend were in one of the bedrooms downstairs. This didn’t deter Marky Mark at all. He starts banging on the door and yelling, “JOANNE! JOANNE! Ditch the zero and get with the hero.” In the history of western civilization, there has not been a better pick up line. He continues his harassment for about 30 minutes before finally realizing she’s not unlocking that door.
We wake up the next morning and are basically told don’t ever come back here again to which I said, “That’s fine, it’s not like I’m ever coming back to this possessed town again. I’m lucky I survived.”)
Me being the gentleman that I am (notice a theme), I felt it was my civic duty to warn this person of the impending doom they were getting themselves into by visiting Sea Isle City. When they didn’t heed my warnings, I got K Dog on the phone to validate them. After that, this person really didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. I can’t see why not. I must say, out of all my irrational hatreds, this might be the most irrational. Sea Isle City, that’s quite a distinction.
You have to love the reaction I got when people called to make sure I was ok after the train accident. It basically was, “Yeah, I assumed you were at work when it happened so I didn’t think you were involved.” I may need to find a new job.
I finally got around to seeing The Hangover, and it was hilarious. Go see it if you haven’t. I’m looking forward to me not being allowed by someone’s finance to go to a bachelor party because of that movie.
I’ll be in NY for the 4th if anyone’s interested. Hopefully, it will be a low key week.
NBA Draft Thoughts
NBA draft thoughts? Besides that I’ve seen meth addicts with more cohesive long term plans than the T Wolves? Sure, I’ll run with it.
Jeff Van Gundy summed it up best at the start of the show when he said that the league has basically turned into about 10 teams or so who are trying to win a championship, 19 who are just trying to cut costs and whatever the hell it is Minnesota is trying to do. Hence, you get Shaq, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson basically being given away to contenders who were willing to just pay their salary. So the trades had more of an impact on the league more than the draft. For the record, I feel that any team activity for the Cavs should be filmed if only so that they do not miss any of the interactions between Shaq and Lebron. I’m also looking forward to Vince Carter going back home to Orlando. That way, he can participate in family events, specifically the one they have annually where they debate who in their family quit on their team more, Carter or McGrady. After Tracy’s performance this year, Vince might have to do something even more spectacular to get out of playing. I say he spends six months on injured reserve after he gets injured by his new assistant coach, Patrick Chewing when opening a Snickers bar.
The second thing is that a lot of the success of a young player is the situation they get drafted into. If I were part of Tyreke Evans’s family I would stay in school and not just because I might need to work on my legal skills after his cousin was in a drive by shooting recently. Don’t hitch your wagon to him paying your bills for years to come. Do you think that situation is turning around anytime soon? Same thing with Thabeet, though I think he’ll be a bust regardless of where he went. Now you have James Harden picked in between them going to OKC where he can get open shots from Durant for the foreseeable future (I’m still disappointed they didn’t take Rubio though. freedarko would have just covered OKC next year if that happened ), so it wouldn’t surprise me if he comes out of this as the best after Griffin (which isn’t ideal either. Would you like to be mentored by Zach Randolph?).
Yes, I’m part of the entire world who is disappointed Curry isn’t going to the Knicks. I saw him play against West Virginia in the Garden and he owned the place. Not many college kids can do that.
Wait, you’re telling me a guy who has “Young Money” tatted across his entire back might have some maturity issues? You’re kidding me. Well, let’s just draft him and send him to Milwaukee. I’m sure he’ll spend his free time playing Scrabble with Andrew Bogut.
Speaking of good situations, I love Eric Maynor’s in Utah. Back up D Williams for a few years, get paid in 2013. Just remember where you heard it first:
So Daniel Tosh just got his own show on Comedy Central and Maynor goes in the first round. It’s not often that I’m right, so when I am, I need to let you know.
I want to be there when Terrance Williams meets Hov. That will be interesting. I’m hoping Jay was in the draft war room and said, “He reminds me of Kanye back in 2003. Pick him.” I’m sure the Nets are run a lot differently than I imagine them being run.
Finally, it’s either I write 2000 words about Minnesota or 20. For your sake, I won’t even get into it.
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